...or has the South decided that, although you can't fix stupid, you can still elect it?

It sometimes appears that our Southern brethren are committed to a desperate attempt to return to Margaret Mitchell's vision of the world. State capitols must be beaten into striking the confederate flag. The most benign gun restrictions are savagely attacked as some Northern conspiracy to confiscate all weapons. Asshats like Rick Perry even suggest a new secession movement. (That may have sounded nifty when running for Governor. Let's see how often presidential candidate Perry disavows that notion.) And when the subject is race and racist, the states of the Old South continue to display their true colors: white, whiter and translucent.

Alabama has discovered that while racial intolerance against blacks is passe (not to mention detrimental to recruiting football players for the University of Alabama), it is perfectly acceptable to be rude and bigoted toward brown people. Secure in the knowledge that few if any Mexicans will seek scholarships as wide receivers anytime soon, Alabama has enacted the single most draconian immigration law in the country. If Alabama has its way, eating a burrito in public will be a felony.

Aside from the obvious disgraceful racism exhibited by the state that gave us George C. Wallace and Bull Connors, the practical aspects of this law are elusive. Sure, Alabama is always ready to step to the front of the line when the subject is intolerance but why Spanish people? Hello! Alabama is not a border state. The closest that Alabama comes to an influx of non-English speaking strangers is illegal border crossings by people from Mississippi. Latinos comprise only about 2% of the total resident population and that includes occasional visits by The Buena Vista Social Club.

Alabama has farms and farms need underpaid, exploited workers. Without help from south of the border Alabama farmers will be forced to exploit Arkansans or some other hapless, easily identifiable minority. That cotton won't pick itself. Face it, the only cotton that white Alabama will ever pick is the plug at the top of an aspirin bottle.

Hey, it's not like we're not sympathetic to Alabama's desire to excell at something. After all, it's too late to be the leader in execution. Virginia had a head start and Texas is thinking of putting their hangmen on two shifts. Alabama can't be the gun-crazy capital. That honor resides in Arizona. (More on that tomorrow.) Unfortunately, Alabama will have to content itself with the distinction of being the racist capital of America. Well, look on the bright side: at least you won't have to decide what color to make the flag.

...or should there be a rating agency to downgrade the GOP?

We begin today's roster of head-shakers with the aftermath of the teabagger attempt to derail the American economy in the name of fiscal responsibility. What a crock! The people who swarmed to the polls to elect George Bush twice (ugh) are shocked, shocked to discover that the ruinous policies of 2001-2008 (unfunded tax cuts, two totally unnecessary wars, an unfunded drug program) have run up America's debts. Their answer, of course, is to tax the poor by dismantling social programs that benefit people who don't vote Republican.

These shameful solutions to the country's fiscal woes speak volumes about the cynical mantra of the teabaggers and the politicians they elect. To risk America's reputation and credit status (now rated just above Turkmenistan and just below Burkina Faso) around the world merely to advance the agenda of the Cooke Bros. is a disgrace and unworthy of Americans. For any candidate (we're talking to you, Michele Bachmann) to suggest that default is "no big deal" exhibits a disregard for the facts as well as for the country they profess to love. We have now seen the response when America merely toyed with the idea of default. I do not wish to live in a country that treats stupidity as though it were a virtue.

The teabaggers and their toadies in Congress have taken exception to being called terrorists. Well folks, if the buckled shoe fits... The dictionary defines terrorist as a person who uses terror to advance a political end. Not all terrorists wear bombs. Some wear pearls. To borrow from Jeff Foxworthy, if you run around the Capitol threatening to blow up the economy in order to sabotage the President you hate, you just might be a terrorist. If you think your agenda is so important that it's worth millions of lost jobs, you just might be a terrorist. If you think that a campaign pledge to Grover Norquist is more important than your oath to protect and defend the Constitution you just might be a terrorist. If you think your knowledge of how global economics works exceeds that of every economist and financial expert in the entire world, you are not just a terrorist, you're not smarter than a fifth grader.

Blame Barack Obama if you like. Toss him out after one term. That's the system we live by. Just don't delude yourself into believing that your problems will magically end with the inauguration of President Perry or President Christie or President Romney. Trust me, in two years that new face will still be blaming Barack Obama for the sluggish economy. Be careful what you wish for.

...or is my country further off the rails than a Chinese high speed train?

This missive will be the first (or at least the most recent) in a series.

Even more reasons to move to France...now...soon...

Christian Mingle? Really? "Maybe God wants you to act?" (I might have said "take your love life into your own hands" but most Christians consider that a sin.)

Web sites like eHarmony and Match.com are OK I guess. People are busy and finding the time to meet and vet a life partner is a challenge. After all, your days and nights are consumed with staring at your Blackberry/Smartphone. Better to let a computer choose your stalker. Besides, whether you hit it off or not, your portable communication devices will ensure that you never actually have to talk with your partner. And, if things get sticky, there's always restrainingorder.com.

Seriously, I understand why Jews have jdate.com and Muslims check salaamlove.com. Both groups represent a small percentage of the population. An unmarried Jew could spend months in Abilene, TX trying to scare up a minyan let alone finding a single girl. A Muslim in Phoenix would have to pray a lot more than six times a day to have any hope of getting an Islamic date. For small groups like this, sub-set sites make sense. For Christians...not so much.

First of all Christians are a plague. They're everywhere. You can't swing the shroud of Turin without hitting one. It's not like they're hiding. With their scrubbed complexions and modest garb they're as obvious as Al Sharpton at an RNC rally. If you have an hour or so to kill, approach one of these Liberty University alums and ask if they are a Christian. Trust me they won't surreptitiously draw a fish in the dirt.

Christians have unlimited chances to meet the holy roller of their dreams. There are church services, Klan meetings, Michele Bachmann rallies. (The main difference between the two is no one wears pearls to a Klan meeting.) What about anti-abortion gatherings or anti-mosque rallies? Between the hate speeches and the shooting there should be plenty of time for mingling. After all, the vetting process is relatively simple. "Hi, my name is Daniel, like the prophet. Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior? Great, me too. Will you marry me?"

The Christian Mingle site questionnaire is extensive, enlightening and really separates the wheat from the chaff. Questions include:

Where/when did you find Jesus?

a) in Church
b) in prison
c) in an image on a potato chip
d) when my ex-wife pointed a shotgun at me and my secretary in the No-tell Motel.

Have you saved yourself for marriage?

a) Yes
b) No
and 'yes' your cousin counts.

How much do you drink?

a) never
b) never on Sunday
c) never in Church
d) never during the actual service
(Irish applicants are not required to answer.)

How often do you attend Church?

a) every Sunday
b) Christmas and Easter
c) weddings and funerals
d) during the last hockey game in hell

Clearly, only the pious need apply.

So once you meet the virgin of your dreams, where do you go on a date? Bars are out. Restaurants are OK but how many serve unleavened bread? Movies are good but your selections are limited to "Winnie the Pooh Reads from Isiah" and "The Passion of the Christ". (spoiler alert: in spite of all the blood, gore and suffering this story does not end well.) A play would be good but perhaps you should steer clear of "The Book of Mormon". You could always take her back to your place and show her your collection of fruits and vegetables shaped like the Virgin Mary.

On some level Christian Mingle would seem counter-productive. Wouldn't it be better to meet and convert some poor misguided atheist or Jew? Maybe even a person who chose to be gay? After all, what's the good of learning all those Bible verses if your partner keeps finishing your sentences? Better to troll for souls on some secular site. Who knows, you might get to convert Ms. Wrong into Mrs. Right. Remember, forming a lasting bond is the first step to bondage. Good luck, all you Christians!

...or is the Republican Presidential bar set so low that even Michele Bachmann can meet it?

I know you've read this before but ... Michele Bachmann? Really?

Is the GOP so completely bereft of viable Presidential candidates that Michele Bachmann can gain traction? Has the forest of Republican leadership been so decimated that no one with serious Presidential timber seems likely to emerge? Must the circus that is the Republican party seek their standard bearer from the clown car? Will the Party of Lincoln choose to be represented by a woman who's command of the facts makes George W. Bush look like Henry Kissinger?Forget Barack Obama, at this rate the Republicans couldn't beat Jimmy Carter.

You know you're in trouble when the best thing you can say about your candidate is that she didn't make a complete fool of herself during a debate. Being able to dress yourself and not swallowing your microphone shouldn't be enough to get you a four year gig at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. John McCain might not know how many houses he owns but he was lucid much of the time and showed a reasonable grasp of the issues in 2008. Michele Bachmann appears to be garnering considerable praise for simply not drooling on herself. Having not bungled her lines during this her first skirmish with adults, the entire world seemed ready to ignore her previous difficulties with geography, American History and with who was born where. (In spite of the best efforts of Ed Rollins and a coterie of handlers, Ms. Bachmann couldn't resist trumpeting proudly that she and John Wayne were both born in Waterloo, Iowa. She may have been, The Duke was not.)

But seriously, Presidential contenders shouldn't be judged on their gaffes. No one can be error- free when reporters and cameras dog your every movement. Still, Michele's proclamation that the Founding Fathers were committed to the eradication of slavery was made during a prepared speech. Someone had to write those words down and Ms. Bachmann had to be confident enough in their accuracy to speak them publicly. A candidate may be forgiven for a mistake made while bouncing from a plane to a waiting limo but to actually prepare blatant falsehoods for public consumption shows either an appalling lack of respect for your audience or sheer ignorance.

Ms. Bachmann was asked to address her earlier comment about the Founding Fathers "working tirelessly to end slavery". Her response to George Stephenopoulos was as follows:

Bachmann: "Well you know what’s marvelous is that in this country and under our constitution, we have the ability when we recognize that something is wrong to change it. And that’s what we did in our country. We changed it. We no longer have slavery. That’s a good thing. And what our Constitution has done for our nation is to give us the basis of freedom unparalleled in the rest of the world."

Given the current climate in the GOP Ms. Bachmann will, no doubt, be given high marks for proclaiming the abolition of slavery as "a good thing". There will also be universal conservative condemnation of George Stephenopoulos for his "gotcha" questioning. (A similar vicious question ensnared Sweet Sarah just weeks ago. The Question? "What have you learned during your trip to New England?" Clearly the liberal press will stop at nothing.)

Is it too much trouble for politicians to say "I screwed up. I conflated John Adams, a Founding Father opposed to slavery and John Quincy Adams a later President, who did work to have slavery abolished." How hard is that? This is America. We forgave Bill Clinton for getting a hummer from an intern in the Oval Office. We forgave Michael Vick (granted, a much tougher sell). We even forgave Coke for New Coke. However, we expect you to admit your transgressions. (Sarah Palin merely looked stupid when she tried to rewrite history.)

No one seriously thinks that someone as addled and dogmatic as Michele Bachmann could actually be elected President. Success in early polls is usually symptomatic of voter disaffection.

Nevertheless, the election of GWB (twice, for Christ's sake) should be a cautionary tale regarding the contrary nature of the electorate. That fact combined with the quiet, systematic attempt being made in several GOP-controlled states to disqualify a substantial portion of the electorate, makes 2012 a toss-up regardless of who the GOP sends into the arena. So, en guarde America! We have nothing to fear except maybe a woman who thinks creationism and evolution are "theories" right up there with gravity and the molecular adhesiveness of liquids.

Sneaky liberal question of the day" Did the Founding Fathers believe in gravity and how many worked to abolish it?"

...or should we listen when the Catholic Church says gay marriage is a perversion?

After all, who would know more about perverts than the Catholic Church? They run the pedophile academy.

Truly, I would give anything to be able to ignore the Catholic Church and their gang of pedophile-enabling ostriches who think rock and roll causes men to fondle little boys. I would love to just chuckle at the false conclusions that imagine the collapse of civilization in any action that runs contrary to Church dogma. Honestly, it's amazing that the cult of hubris that brought the world the Crusades, the destruction of civilizations throughout South America and the Inquisition would have the colossal gall to pontificate on the potential harm of gay marriage. After the Church's befriending of Hitler and Mussolini at the expense of Europe's Jews and the systematic, century-long torture of Ireland's youth, you might expect a little modesty. Perhaps a retreat to a retreat. No such luck.

Five minutes after the New York State Senate approved the gay marriage amendment, New York's archbishop Timothy Dolan was ominously predicting dogs and cats sleeping together. "You think it's going to stop with this? You think bigamists aren't going to want their rights to marry?" The good bishop went on to rant about men wanting to marry their sisters but no one was listening by then. At least he stopped short of the fears expressed by former Senator Rick Santorum or Bill O'Reilly (both Catholics) who were confident that people marrying their domestic animals was the next logical step. (Santorum clearly had his eye on a fetching presidential elephant.)


Where is Rome during all this hysteria? Where are the cool deliberate members of the Curia to calmly lay out the Church's view? "We in the House of Celibacy are opposed to any wedding that doesn't involve one man and one woman. (Exceptions include nuns who 'marry' themselves to Christ.) We uphold this teaching even though we can find no passage in the New Testament that shines any light on how Christ felt about gays. We, as a religious institution however, have no control over how non-members spend their time. If gay people want to marry, ponce around in thongs and drink sidecars, that's none of our affair."


Instead, Rome allows publicity-seekers like Archbishop Dolan to blog and release statements condemning the actions of people over whom they have no authority. Why does the CC give a fig what gay people do? You would think that an organization rife with pedophiles and their enablers would tend to their own knitting. New York State law does not compel Catholic priests to perform gay marriages. (New York State law does compel bishops to report cases of child abuse and molestation but so far none have done so.)

The institution that is the Catholic Church has never gotten over the loss of its temporal power after the Reformation. It can't stand being relegated to the same public status as boutique religions like Jews and Druids. They would welcome state-sponsored religion, as long as it was theirs. They watch Evangelical Christians elect God-squaders to office in Iowa and Texas and they seethe. Even in countries like Italy and Ireland no one is listening to orders from the Holy See any more. The Church's attempts to prevent the sale of birth control pills and its efforts to prohibit divorce (both crimes against women) have crumbled in recent years. European Catholics haven't lost faith, they've simply lost faith in a Church that never appears to be looking out for the faithful. "Thou shalt cover your ass at all times" is the new eleventh commandment.



The Wall Street Journal carried an op-ed from the leader of the National Organization for Marriage (read hetero marriage) Maggie Gallagher (Irish Catholic). Ms. Gallagher devoted the entire column to affirming that when gay marriage is put to a vote, it is always defeated. At no time does she propose a single reason why anyone should oppose gay marriage or what harm it does. Her entire argument is that courts and legislatures as well as all media have a perverted liberal bias and that the people know best. Fortunately, the "people" weren't consulted prior to the Emancipation Proclamation. The "people" were excluded from participating in the "Loving vs Virginia" case in 1967 which finally allowed blacks to marry whites. The "people" want the borders closed but they also want cheap produce. The "people" love capital punishment but rarely support it when the "best people" are accused. The "people" hate welfare but love Medicare. The "people" hate taxes but love their police and fire depts. We elect legislators to protect us from the tyranny of the majority. Courts and government bodies encourage the angels of our better nature.

The legislature of New York State did the "people" a favor. Maggie Gallagher, Archbishop Dolan and every other member of the faithful who finds gay marriage offensive will now have to find something else to hate. Ms. Gallagher could devote her time to helping battered women, especially Muslim women, escape abusive relationships. As for the Archbishop of New York well, he might blog on why, after 2,000 years of Catholicism, women are still relegated to second-class status; why nuns are treated as little more that chambermaids; why the priesthood is still a male-only club? But mostly, he can explain why an institution like the Catholic Church, with its bloody and abusive past, continues to use fuzzy doctrine as a cudgel to deny people basic civil rights? That includes not just the right to marry but the right to be spared the attentions of pedophiles.

...or would we all have been better off if the tech revolution ended with the invention of the electric can opener?

So, I know it's not all about me but I'm sure I'm not alone. I now officially own more technology than I can:
1) appreciate
2) repair
3) master
4) justify owning
5) pay for

Really! Thanks to the wizards of Silicon Valley I can now download music into everything but my pencil sharpener (Memo to me: check for availability of isharpeners.) Except I don't want nor need to hear Lady Gaga belting out "Born This Way" from devices primarily intended to make toast or iron my shirts. I now have four different devices that can navigate me, turn by turn, to the nearest frozen yogurt store in forty-three different languages or four English dialects. I'm considering setting all of them at once. It will be like getting directions from the chorus of Cats.

These complaints no doubt qualify me for a one way trip to the cranky old geezers home. (Second memo to me: check to see if the GPS in my ipad will take me to an assisted living center.) Nevertheless it can't be crazy to expect my cell phone to be a cell phone and not a miniature Wall Street Journal or a portable repository for Angry Birds. Yes, it is occasionally helpful to be able to locate a Chinese restaurant in lower Manhattan from the back of a southbound cab in Midtown. However this delightful little app is of limited use to a farmer in Duluth. (Third memo to me: Find out if farmers use a GPS device to learn which field is wheat and which is corn.)

Once upon a time life was simple. I had a phone book at home, a Rolodex at work and a small pocket directory for travel. That simple system has been replaced by a "contacts" lists in nine different devices and, as usual, the information I need is never in the device I have with me. I may not be able to locate the phone number of my dermatologist but I'm quite sure that, given the launch codes, I could detonate a nuclear device over Pakistan while seated on a Metro North train bound for White Plains.

The other price being paid for all this high tech wizardry is the price being paid for all this high tech wizardry. I used to pay a phone bill for phone service. The arrangement with Ma Bell (God, I'm old) was simple: I pay a bill, she made sure I had a dial tone when I picked up my receiver (Oh for Christ's sake, look it up!) . My current phone bill, encompassing one land line, two mobile lines, text, and Internet access is now higher than the rent on my first apartment. The land line and the cell services are listed on the same bill but serviced by different companies...with the same name. The Internet service is a different carrier and the ipad bills through a credit card I foolishly gave to Apple itunes. I'm considering calling Congressman Paul Ryan for help in cutting wasteful spending.

The tragedy here is that, while I'm desperate to be tech savvy and oh so hip I know I'm falling behind every day. A friend asked me about Pandora and I was clueless. Fortunately a quick trip to Google and I was rescued. Nevertheless it's just a matter of time before I'm outed as an uncool Luddite. Actually it's already started. I took my laptop to the Geek Squad in Best Buy to determine why it wouldn't boot. The young man at the counter (whose cognitive memory extends back to maybe the first Iron Man movie) took one look at the computer and muttered "Wow, an IBM. I didn't know these things were still around." OK, hold on. I may not own the latest and greatest equipment but ten minutes ago IBM was the Tiffany's of computers. (Fourth memo to me: find out if Tiffany's is still the Tiffany's of anything.) Just because it didn't roll off Steve Job's assembly line this week doesn't mean the machine should be relegated to doorstop status. And anyway it's not like I asked him to repair a Victrola or a fountain pen.

Yes I know technology rocks. I guess it's cool to be able to settle any argument in a bar with a quick visit to Wikipedia from a Droid but the science has reduced the usefulness of a time-honored skill namely, making up the facts as you go along. Many a disagreement has been decided by one's ability to pull statistics directly out of one's ass. Call it bluffing, call it bullshit, manufactured facts have been the cornerstone of human interaction since history began. Michele Bachmann has built an entire political career this way. Seriously, how was Abdul the camel merchant supposed to make a decent living when a customer could Google CamelFax and discover that the camel for sale wasn't owned by a little old lady in Abbottabad. If Union Army General George McClellen possessed Google Earth in the first year of the Civil War there wouldn't have been a second year. Stalin could have learned all he needed to know about Hitler's honesty from his Facebook page and he never would have signed that non-aggression pact.

My point is that technology isn't always a good thing. How many times have you blundered into a great store while wandering lost in a new city? Conversely, how many times have you blundered into a lamppost because you were looking at a screen instead of where you were going? Chance meetings are far more likely when some chance is involved. Facts and data should never get in the way of a good story. So look up, America. You will notice that the world is in 3-D and looks amazingly like the grid in Mapquest. You'll discover that you can actually find the Grand Canyon or the St. Louis Arch without a Garmin. Florence and the Machine does not have to be the soundtrack of your every waking moment. George Lucas did not mean for Star Wars to be viewed on a screen half the size of a sheet of toilet paper. Put your mechanized world on airplane mode, vibrate and quiet. Then lock them in a railroad station locker. (Last memo: are there still lockers in railroad stations?) Rise up! You have nothing to lose but that squint, a cauliflower ear and potential brain cancer. Of course, if you get brain cancer, it would be nice to look it up on WebMD... and look up a specialist... and a hospital.... and get directions...and .................

...or does America need a civics lesson?

Yes, I know isitjustme has been silent since mid May but really, how do you top "Obama Beats Weiner"? Honestly, the only way this story gets better is if Anthony Weiner marries Anita Baker. (See what happens once you get started?) When the jokes write themselves, don't interfere.

Anyway, as the summer rolls forward, aging white Americans have mothballed their tricorn hats. During the lull, serious law makers from both parties try to hammer out a few spending cuts and raise the country's debt ceiling. The argument revolves around whether we are in this fiscal fix due to Bush's wars and his unfunded tax cuts (we are) or, because of President Obama's stimulus and bailouts (maybe so). How or why is hardly the point at this juncture. Throwing rocks at the problem isn't the same as fixing it. The unrealistic notion that the cure won't leave a bad taste is just that; unrealistic.

Still, the rhetoric of the last two years has brought into focus a fundamental change in the attitude of a large portion of the population. The harmless chiding of Washington made famous by the likes of Will Rogers has morphed into a poisonous hatred of all things government. Europeans understand that their leaders, for all their faults, are trying to run their countries for the well-being of all. They have an understanding that government exists for a purpose and that purpose is beneficial. Germans in the 30's looked to their leaders to extract them from a horrible depression. OK that didn't work out so well but even today Germans don't hate their government.

In an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal, Michael Barone postulates that Americans who lived through World War II had an abiding faith in government's ability to perform miracles. He feels faith was eroded in future generations because of scandals like Watergate and the Vietnam War. (While Vietnam might have convinced America that government couldn't be trusted, it's unlikely that the war protesters of 1968 are the teabaggers of 2010.) Where Mr. Barone and I part ways is his belief that the country has (correctly) decided that big government no longer works. My view is that America (read older, white rural America) has been fed a steady diet of bile from the right and has finally decided that their government is their enemy. Not just a bunch of mildly corrupt vote chasers who routinely get governing wrong but evil, sinister, fifth columnists who mean to destroy the very Country they were elected to serve.

Don't take my word for this. Ask your favorite right-winger what he or she thinks of Nancy Pelosi...but don't do it with small children within ear-shot. The kind of venomous hate directed at the former speaker is usually reserved for Osama Bin Laden. Who taught Americans to hate like that? Not Congress. They fuss and fume but the invectives are directed at policy not people. America is being systematically taught to hate its own government. The Hannitys, Becks and Limbaughs of the media have successfully indoctrinated a substantial portion of the population to believe that they are under attack. This drek was harmless enough in the Bush years because the right-wing masses could console themselves with the notion that one of their own was in the White House.

That ended with the horror of horrors: a black liberal of questionable lineage was elected President. Limbaugh must have thought he died and went to heaven. His hoard was prepared to believe almost anything about this "outsider". "He's clearly not one of us." Fox news hired every conservative with a pulse, and a few without. Roger Ailes, lord of Fox News, sent his minions to cover every gathering of disaffected white people yelling about taking back the country.

So here we are. Republicans in Congress have to be smuggled into meetings with the opposition for fear of being called traitors. Compromise, once the hallmark of intelligent government, is now a dirty word. Legislators willing to accept the bizarre notion that someone else might have an idea worth pursuing are cruising for a primary challenge in their next election. Moderates like Tim Pawlenty and even Newt Gingrich must be willing to stifle any hint of accommodation to reality. A step away from orthodoxy will draw immediate withering rebuke from the screamers in talk radio as well as mindless bomb-throwers like Sarah Palin. (Sarah doesn't really care about the Republican party. Headlines and book sales are all that matter.)

America needs a civics lesson. In his famous comic strip Pogo, Walt Kelly wrote "We have met the enemy and he is us". We have been told to fear debt, debt ceilings and deficits. Why?...we have no idea. How do we fix it?...cut spending. How?...we have no idea. We could raise taxes a little. That worked in the Clinton years. Well, good luck with that. We could cut defense spending and stop being the world's policeman. Nice idea if you can get by-in from Hannity.

The solutions, if they're out there, will come from compromise. Smart men and women will sit down and hammer out a deal that no one will love. They will then have to vote for the deal and stand up in their districts and defend being an responsible adult. Their detractors will be pundits and commentators who have never governed anything. Some of those legislators will lose but at least they did the right thing. That's a civics lesson.

...or is life more fun if you only read the comics?

Time may be marching on but minutia can be a stabilizing force.

I heard someone suggest that Sarah Palin thinks the Arab Spring is a soap that makes you smell like a camel.

Dominique Strauss Kahn has proposed a novel defense in his sexual assault case. DSK postulates that if the hotel employee in question didn't want to have sex, why did she show up dressed as a maid?

Because nature (and apparently cable TV) abhors a vacuum, the Oxygen Channel has decided to fill one vacuum with another. Ten PM Tuesday night saw the premiere of "The World According To Paris". The show stars the girl you can't get enough of because you've already had more than enough: Paris Hilton. Imagine a glorious hour watching a woman with the IQ of an arugula plant deciding what shoes go with a DUI. Or perhaps we will see Paris agonizing over which STD to share with her latest Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now. Seriously, anyone interested in this would enjoy the Nature Channel's "50 Things to do With Leeches" or "Survivor - Escape the Organ Harvesters".

The Washington Redskins have been ordered to provide captioning for all songs played during games so as not to discriminate against deaf fans. This exercise in politically stupid will no doubt enhance the experience of football about as much as reading the dialogue of a porn film to a blind person. If DC judges want to do something useful, make Dan Snider change the racist name of his club.

New Yorkers, who now practically have to walk over the George Washington Bridge to grab a smoke, will soon have a new law to "protect" them. The state legislature has passed a law declaring whiffle ball, tag and horseshoes "nonpassive recreational activities with significant risk of injuries". In a related story, staff at New York Medical Center will now be required to pack all newborn children in Styrofoam immediately after delivery.

Also, the city council of Thornton, Colo. has banned barber poles as a distraction to motorists. To this one can only utter two words... Times Square.

Also, goldfish racing in Tacoma, Wash. has been suspended after a complaint from animal rights activists. Allegations of goldfish doping, race fixing and concerns for the fish once their racing days were done played a part in the decision. There was also concern about the frequent drowning of the tiny jockey forced into the dangerous job of riding the goldfish.

A Michigan craft brewer has been denied the right to market its "Raging Bitch" beer in the state.
A spokesman for the company expressed dismay over the ruling indicating that the state liquor authority has previously approved "Darkie Dark Porter" and "Chinks Piss-Yellow Lager". A state representative said "We had to draw the line somewhere".

An Indiana woman is suing Carnival Cruise Lines because she got seasick on one of their cruises. There being no oceans in Indiana, Doris Beard was understandably misled by Carnival's magazine ad campaign in which the ships aren't actually moving. In a related story we have learned that Mr. Peanut has died from an anaphylactic reaction to some unnamed food product.

A New York man was escorted from a Southwest Airlines flight for exclaiming in an overly loud voice "What's taking so f--king long?".A spokeswoman for Southwest was adament in defense of the airline's policy about disruptive passengers. "Some a--holes have no f--king manners" said Thelma Prigg, Vice President for Passenger Experience. "Next time he can take the f--king bus".

...or are the Republican contenders joining the presidential dance with all the enthusiasm of geeks at the prom?

OK here's the plot: Several reluctant characters from totally different backgrounds and social classes are, by a quirk of fate, thrown together to either survive as a group or perish as individuals. Is this the story of:

1) Lord of the Flies

2) Lost

3) Survivor - Bayonne

4) Gilligan's Island

5) The Republican Presidential campaign, Class of 2012

Yes I know, 4 & 5 are the same answer.

The Republican candidates for President in 2012 have thusfar divided themselves into two camps. On one side we have those familiar retreads from 2008: Huckabee, Romney, Palin, Paul, Gingrich. Everything you need to know about their ability to engender excitement into the GOP cause can be summed up in two words: John McCain. This gang of also-rans proved to be about as exciting as Topeka on a Tuesday night. Why anyone thinks that four additional years of campaigning on Fox News has done anything to pump air into their personalities is fascinating. Constant exposure over all this time has only served to reinforce to Republicans that they made the right choice in 2008. Four years of Monday morning quarterbacking and armchair generalship has made the likes of Palin and Gingrich appear petty and small (and making Newt's head appear small is no mean feat).

On the other bench we have the new faces, the untried ideologues of the conservative movement who have managed to get themselves elected to local offices or made a name for themselves in the business community. Pawlenty, Daniels, Christie, Cain, Trump, Bachmann, Santorum and God knows who else. Not all are declared candidates but don't kid yourself. Every one of them is waiting/praying for the Party to tap them on the shoulder and beg them to "save us from the devil Obama". All of these candidates may benefit or suffer from the "send in the quarterback on the bench" syndrome. Everybody wants to see a fresh face. Hell, that's how Barack beat Hillary and Grandpa John. This team of rivals is so screwed up that the only adult in the room is the pizza guy, Herman Cain, and until a week ago no one outside of Atlanta had ever heard of him. (Cain is an interesting character. He's bootstraps all the way and has already waged a successful campaign against cancer.)

In the meantime, candidates continue to dribble into the fray. As of today, Newt Gingrich has joined the party. It took a while for Gingrich to enter the contest because he had to haul his cumbersome reputation all the way from Georgia. Honestly, Gingrich has more baggage that an airport carousel at Christmas. His ex-wives have actually formed a political action committee. And, have you seen Mrs. Gingrich #3? A helmet-headed, aging beauty queen with the stage presence of a ficus. Seriously, she makes Laura Bush and Cindy McCain look like Abbott and Costello. (OK I'm done!)

On another front we have the almost but not quite campaign of Mitch Daniels current Governor of Indiana. Daniels has several things going for him. For one, he doesn't have a gig on Fox so, nobody knows him (always a plus in GOP politics). He is the grandson of Syrian immigrants so he can neutralize the Middle Eastern connection that worked so well for President Obama in 2008. Also he's a bright guy who ran North American operations for Eli Lily. So why has this dynamo of the Republican heartland not declared decisively that he is ready to carry the presidential banner for his party? Actually, he's waiting for permission from his wife. That's right boys and girls, the party of "bring it on" leadership, of "shoot first ask questions later" toughguys will be led by a man who needs his wife's OK before leaving the house. "Honey, is it OK if I run for President? I promise I'll be home for supper." It's a good thing Newt didn't have to ask his wives. The campaign would be over before the votes could be tabulated.

...or does good news flush out as many morons as bad?

Osama, we hardly knew ya.

or

There once was a fiend named Osama

Who for years had caused nothing but trauma

He eluded George Bush

In the wild Hindu Kusch

'Til encountering the Balls of Obama.


But I digress.

The new definition of a nanosecond is the time between a significant news event and the time that the hand-wringers, self-serving asshats and nullifiers attempt to spin the facts to suit their agenda. To wit: the highly trained and deeply motivated men of the Navy Seals terminated the disagreeable life of Osama "are those helicopters outside" Bin Laden last weekend. No loss there. As the facts of their mission are released, one thing appears clear. The President of The United States sent the Seals to Pakistan for one reason and it wasn't to score some good weed. The President's instructions were very clear, don't bring back any tee shirts, STD's or bearded terrorists. There isn't much sad singing over the loss a man considered the very face of evil. (That title now passes to Dick Cheney.)

However, now that the cheering has died down, America has returned to focusing on the issues of the day like: Snookie's weight loss, the Capitals folding in another Stanley Cup bid and whether Donald Trump will ever recover from the pounding he received at the White House Correspondence Dinner. (Seriously, if you haven't watched Seth Meyers and President Obama crush Trump, watch it on YouTube. It's the best!) Predictably, like stink follows a garbage truck, a stream of scolds have emerged to fill the news void and urinate on our campfire.

First out of the gate is a steaming pile of Bushies who immediately began crowing that torturing prisoners at Gitmo was the direct cause of Bin Laden's death. Really? Most notable among these failed armchair warriors was John Yoo who took to the Wall Street Journal today to pontificate about how his policies put a bullet in Bin Laden's eye. The actual quote was " Sunday's success also vindicates the Bush Administration whose intelligence architecture marked a path to Bin Laden's door." That must have been some circuitous trail considering that, in seven years, the Bush team produced squadouch. For the record: since Gitmo opened in 2001, no intelligence officer, no torturer, no administration official of any rank has ever testified that waterboarding ever produced one scrap of actionable intelligence. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was waterboarded so many times he grew gills and we never got a thing. We stopped waterboarding in 2005. All enhanced interrogation techniques stopped by 2007. It has been four years since then. How much useful information could these guys have? Face it! The Bush Administration had six years to torture the bejeezes out of the prisoners at Gitmo and other rendition sites and still couldn't find their ass with both hands. By the way...the closest John Yoo ever got to a weapon was playing World of Warcraft on his x-Box.

Mr. Yoo then has the temerity to suggest that the Obama administration took the easy way out by killing Bin Laden rather than "wade through the difficult questions raised by (his) detention". He also suggests that capturing Bin Laden would have been an intelligence bonanza. I imagine that Mr. Yoo would have encouraged the President to broadcast the waterboarding of Bin Laden on C-SPAN. John Yoo is a reprehensible turd whose advice to the White House was wrong both legally and morally. The less we hear from him, the better.

But John Yoo wasn't the only precinct heard from. There are reports of "Muslim leaders and scholars" who have concerns about the handling of the body of Osama Bin Laden. These would be the same "Muslim leaders and scholars" who were silent after 9-11 and who lost their voices as Americans were burned in Mogadishu. No offense boys but TFB. I suspect that the officers aboard the aircraft carrier transporting Bin Laden to his fish food reward had their hands full ensuring that the sailors didn't piss all over the body. Let's hear the "leaders and scholars" remind their flocks that Bin Laden was a murderer and, in death, got a lot better than he deserved.

Then we have Rashard Mendenhall whose tweets on the death of Osama Bin Laden have reinforced the idea that some technology should be left in the hands of adults. Mr. Mendenhall makes his living in the intellectually stimulating world of professional football. His thoughts (we'll call them that) remind all of us that we rarely seek the wisdom of the universe in Pittsburgh's Heinz Field on Sunday afternoons in the fall. Rashard's musings on death and skyscraper demolition bespeak one too many encounters with opponents' helmets. If Barack Obama agrees not to try out for running back for the Steelers perhaps Mr. Mendenhall will agree not to make Amercian war policy.

But our final shout-out goes to The Morning Star Institute, a Native American advocacy group. Apparently the group is taking exception to the use of "Geronimo" as the code word for the successful killing of Osama Bin Laden. This sentiment was echoed by Loretta Tuell of the Bureau of Indian Affairs. Loretta went so far at to opine that the use of Native American icons like Geronimo can be "devastating" to young Indians. No doubt "banzai" would have produced an equally pained reaction from the Japanese community. Political correctness has a place and no one group can decide what offends another, nevertheless, it appears unlikely that the Navy Seals who stormed the Bin Laden compound intended to equate Geronimo with Bin Laden. Considering the current colloquial nature of our language, yelling "O'Mally" or "Corleone" would not have conveyed the same message. They might have considered "dude" but again, no pazzaz.

Our apology to any and all Native Americans who might have been offended. The Pentagon has promised to be more sensitive when next we kill an interenational terrorist. Perhaps "Hitler" will work. Advanced apologies to the German American Bund.

This just in...the US will not release the photos of the perforated OBL. Hear! Hear! The American government doesn't need to be providing bulletin board material for every crazy-ass jihaddist in the world. If people want to see a bearded body shot in the eye, rent Season VI of CSI.

...or should America be offered a choice: stop Donald Trump from talking or stop John McCain from traveling?

Will someone please break into the Senate office building and confiscate John McCain's passport? Grandpa John seems determined to rack up frequent flyer points by traveling to every corner of the war-torn Middle East. Then, armed with his "findings" he returns to the Senate with "the real story of life on the ground". This is the equivalent of President Obama having lunch at Ray's Hellburger in Arlington and reporting back on the status of the beef industry.



McCain was recently in Libya where he "met with rebel leaders" to determine what course of action the Obama administration should follow. Considering the way Senators travel and the security that accompanies them, McCain could have learned more from watching Anderson Cooper on CNN. This sort of meddling in international affairs may make McCain look "involved" but it is no more helpful that walking the streets of any inner city to report on street crime.

You may remember McCain's campaign trip to Iraq in 2008. He traveled with a cadre of guards and wore more body armour than a hockey goalie. Nevertheless he was able to peer out at the landscape and report that the streets of Baghdad were safe and that the war was mostly won. Thank you John.

Naturally, the President is inclined to ignore the daily briefings he receives from the CIA, the Pentagon and the DoD in order to listen to an aging Senator who hasn't served in an active duty capacity since Sherman burned Atlanta. Having had a cup of java with a guy who met McCain at the airport with a sign saying "this way to the rebel leader", Johnny Mac is clearly better informed than those pencil-necks in Defense or those NATO weenies in Brussels.

Senator, do your country and your President a favor; call Joe Leiberman and plan a trip to Wisconsin. After meeting with the cows in Dairyland you can report back to the Dept. of Agriculture on milk production and the cold hands of the farmers.

...or should all American history facts be multiple choice?

41% of Americans believe that slavery was not the primary cause of the Civil War.

51% of Republicans don't believe Barack Obama was born in America.

Initially, these stats would not appear to have much in common. Although we suspect that many of the 41% in column A are well represented in column B, there is no data to support that allegation. Nevertheless, these numbers taken both individually and collectively paint a troubling picture of how Americans see themselves and how they see the country's history.

Most Americans think that Iran's denial of the Holocaust is ridiculous. You cannot refute facts. There are pictures, records, survivors all testament to the horrors of Nazi Germany. To refuse to accept facts makes anyone look foolish. Yet the same situation arises regarding the Civil War's origin and the President's birth. If one person says "the Civil War was fought for states rights" he is dismissed as a crank. If thousands say it, it becomes an alternate view of history. The fact that the Articles of Secession passed in South Carolina specifically discuss the institution of slavery becomes irrelevant. The history as taught for the last 150 years becomes revised, softened. The devolution goes like this:

1) Slavery was a prime cause of Southern Secession and the subsequent Civil War.

2) Slavery was a contributing factor in the War Between the States.

3) Slavery was a factor but not the determinate factor in the War of Northern Aggression.

4) Most Southerners didn't even own slaves. The War for Southern Freedom was about state's rights.

It hasn't been necessary for Southerners to accept the corrupt cause that resulted in the deaths of 620,000 Americans. Time and stupidity have molded the facts to fit a feeling. If Michele Bachmann were from Alabama we would have a whole new set of details justifying the attack on Ft. Sumter in 1861. Hell, John Adams would be a featured player for the South. Hang around long enough and get enough yahoos to agree with you and any fantasy can become alternate reality.

The "Obama isn't a citizen" foolishness is cut from the same cloth. If enough people with access to a microphone say it enough times, voila, the President is a Kenyan or an Indonesian or a Martian. The disingenuousness of this stuff is irrelevant. Even Donald, the multi-married, multi bankrupt, knows this bird won't fly. Nevertheless in the world of Fox and the 24 hr news cycle, facts clearly don't matter. A reasonable Donald Trump discussing issues like Libya and the debt couldn't get an interview on Nick at Nite. However, talk like a batshit street corner preacher and you're all over CNN.

...or is France still a great place...except for the French?

What to do? How to feel?

The French have always been like a woman with the looks of a goddess and the personality of Donald Trump. When you think about them, it is always with fondness and longing but three minutes in their presence is enough to encourage thoughts of self immolation. We love them but we hate them. Ever since DeGaulle kicked our troops out in 1966 (showing a rather ungracious attitude toward the country that ensured Frenchmen would not grow up speaking German) France has been a pain in the ass. They recognized Mao in China in 1964 (How hard was that? His puss was all over everything). They built atomic weapons and pointed one at us. Now that's just rude. Anyway, the point is that, like your annoying cousin Mildred, the French will always be around.

Truth be told the French have been behaving rather well these last few years. Under the small but deft hands of Nicolas Sarkozy (accent on the "y" please!) our beret-wearing ally has actually performed like, well, an ally. Now, however, the French have abandoned the creation of diplomatic headaches for philosophical ones. Thanks to a law championed by President Sarkozy, Muslim women will no longer be permitted to wear the traditional (and religiously required) burqa in public places. For those not up on their Muslim fashion, the burqa is a full length veil similar to a table cloth which covers everything but the eyes. The look says "Cousin It". Burqas are to be distinguished from the hijab which covers all but the face and hands. To ban the hijab would cause a conflict with the six or so nuns still wearing the habit. Imparting all the sex appeal of an army blanket, the burqa is apparently designed to help control the hormones of Muslim men. (One wonders how they respond to those lingerie ads in the Paris Metro stations.)

Sarkozy's logic is that the burqa imprisons women and has no place in a secular society that values dignity and equality. (The idea that any society that reveres Jerry Lewis and Sly Stallone can lay claim to any dignity whatever is a conversation for another time.) Muslims currently comprise about 7.5% of the French population but, thanks to a delightful proclivity for reproduction, that figure is projected to be over 10% by 2030. The French are concerned. Muslims do not acclimate well. They tend to live isolated lives out of the mainstream of most of the countries to which they emigrate. They are also noisy. They want everyone to acknowledge their culture and their peculiar laws, like stoning and honor-killing. The French, with some justification, believe that, if you move to my country you should make an effort to blend. By the second or third generation you should smoke, take your dog to restaurants, and look down your nose at everyone else, just like any good (annoying) Frog.

So class, the question for today is: Do you favor the French ban on burqas (a vote for women's rights) or do you favor a woman's right to be enslaved (a vote for women's rights)? Having polled the staff of isitjustme the vote was a narrow 1-0 in opposition to the burqa ban. There's just something about the state arbitrarily deciding what you can and cannot wear. Yes, the state already demands a degree of decency and there should be a law against most of the outfits women wear to Walmart, nevertheless the French law feels a little bigoted and a little provocative. No one has told the Catholics to stop wearing crosses and the Jews are still permitted their yarmulkes. Only Muslims have been singled out as sartorially unacceptable.

If Muslim women want to be free of their religiously imposed second class citizenship, they should not look to Nicolas Sarkozy for liberation. You're in Paris in 2011 not Baghdad in 980. Take the damn thing off and tell your goat-fornicating husband to take a flying leap off a minaret if he doesn't like it. Tell him he can can start eating at McDonald's House of Kabobs and getting his nookie at the local sheep pen. If you want to be treated like chattel that's your right. One article of clothing won't change that. But if you want to join the rest of us in the 21st century, throw off the burqa and walk in the sun. But for God's sake wear sunscreen and clean undies.

...or is secession an idea worth revisiting?

Well here we are at the 150th anniversary of all that fun stuff that happened in 1861: the secession of the Southern States, the inauguration of Abraham Lincoln and the aggressive attitude of the citizens of Charleston, SC at the idea of having a Union fort in their harbor. Wow! If you thought politics was polarized and partisan this year, clearly you haven't been paying attention to Ken Burns. Note of irony: if the morons in the GOP who want to eliminate funding for Public Broadcasting had their way 20 or so years ago, classic programs like The Civil War might never have been made. Northern America would have continued to believe that the Southern cause was peopled by just a bunch of shit-kicking, slave owning dummies. Perish the thought! Such, my children is the role of television in education.

Still, the anniversary of the Civil War gives us the opportunity to ponder the mistakes of the past, to re-evaluate the decisions that shaped America after the needless deaths of 620,000 citizens. What could we as a Country have done differently? Is it too late to undo the unfortunate choices made when the U.S. was beginning to heal? As you can see, I have given this matter serious thought. Naturally, there are some easy answers to the questions. For example, no state in the South should ever be permitted to own a hockey team. Also, Northern States should not be required to pay for Southern border security. It can hardly be the responsibility of Ohio to pay for the security of Texas. It's bad enough we gave citizenship to Jerry Jones.

However, first on my list of things we can repair is continuing to tolerate South Carolina in our Union. Face it, they're a pain. Don't take my word for it. Look at the history:

In 1856 Congressman Preston Brooks walked into the Senate and beat Senator Charles Sumner with a metal-tipped cane. South Carolina was the first state out of the Union in 1860. They didn't even wait for Mr. Lincoln to be sworn. They fired the first shots of the war in April 1861 although shortly thereafter their planters high-tailed it inland to protect their black "assets".

They weren't back in the Union five minutes before they started complaining about black equality. They were the last state to ratify the Fourteenth Amendment, guaranteeing equality to African Americans. It took until 2000 for the government of S. Carolina to remove the Confederate flag from the top of the state house. South Carolina was the last state to declare Martin Luther King Day a legal holiday for state workers. (Prior to 2000, employees had an option to take MLK Day or one of three "Confederate" Holidays.)

Currently South Carolina has given us:

Joe "you lie" Wilson. At least Preston Brooks had the courage to be identified. Wilson (R, 2nd District) shouted at President Obama from the relative anonymity of the House chamber. There is actually a reason we think Southerners are stupid. Wilson was spotted by the ten thousand cameras in the room and forced to apologize.

We also have Jim DeMint, junior Senator and senior asshat. DeMint treats ignorance as though it were a virtue. He opposes homosexuality and gay marriage because (are you ready) of the additional health care cost arising from AIDS related illness. He thinks it would be just fine if the US government defaulted on its financial obligations. (Economists are being overly dramatic in predicting catastrophe.) Naturally he thinks climate change is a liberal myth and he is leading the charge to allow Americans to continue to use old-fashioned incandescent light bulbs. (Actually I'm with him here. Those new bulbs suck.)

So, what do you say we float the idea of South Carolina leaving the Union for a second and, hopefully final, time? They can take everything they brought in...which was nothing. We will keep the border open for now and, they can visit the rest of us whenever they like. Just don't stay too long. We don't much like immigrants. If they like, they can use the Confederate Stars and Bars. God knows, we don't need it. If they want to shrink government, they can shrink theirs. Lower taxes, no taxes, whatever. Interested in reintroducing slavery? Well, 30% of the state is Black so, good luck with that.

I firmly believe that South Carolina would be happier as a separate country. They don't seem to like the rest of us anyway. Oh, by the way, we will insist they keep Steve Spurrier. After what we went through to get rid of him, it's the least they can do.

...or has Arizona lost its taste for persecuting foreigners?

All the ingredients were there. The crime took place in Maricopa County Arizona, home of Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Sheriff Joe has made quite a name for himself as a "shoot first - ask to see some ID later" kind of lawman. Arizona is proud of this gun toting, hard riding son of the old West. (The fact that Sheriff Joe and his department are under investigation for stealing $99 million in state funds is clearly a plot invented by Mexicans.) The crime was committed by a foreigner; an Iraqi to be precise. The deed was as horrible as a crime can get: a man killing his own daughter. Arizona, ever anxious to prove how tough they are on crime has a virulent death penalty (although Arizona hasn't managed to execute anyone in almost four years).

So imagine our surprise when Falah Hassan Almaleki was sentenced to a scant 34 1/2 years in prison for the execution of his 20-year-old daughter Noor by running over her with a car. He also ran down her boyfriend's mother thereby cementing his "accident" defense. Naturally, Mr. Almaleki had a perfectly good reason for his actions. He claims that his daughter had dishonored the family by becoming too westernized. Well that certainly clears that up. Mr. Almaleki was so proud of upholding the family honor that he hauled ass to Europe to spread the good news.


Still, you have too see the situation from the Almaleki standpoint. Who could have anticipated that a teenage girl brought to America from a progressive, forward-thinking country like Iraq, would reject the backward, repressive, woman-hating, semi-slavery of Islam and it's culture of arranged marriages and abuse in favor of American values? What's a father to do? Either you're the head of the family or you start wearing a burqa. Logically, your only recourse is to kill your daughter and the enabling family that fermented her rebellion. Hey, this is America. Mr. Almaleki came here because we allow the free exercise of religion.


So for all it's bluster about an eye for an eye and wild west justice, the best the prosecutors in Maricopa County could manage was a conviction for second degree murder, aggravated assault and, lest we forget, leaving the scene of an accident. (Seemingly, being apprehended in London qualifies as leaving the scene.) So whatever happened to "sending a message"? I guess running over your daughter with a Jeep falls under the exclusionary rule. And Muslims wonder why Americans think they're savages. Go figure!

...or is the Republican party lobbying to include the word "unserious" in the lexicon?

Attend the tale of Paul LePage.

Governor LePage of Maine was elected to the highest office in the highest state during the Republican tsunami of 2010. He managed a heart-pounding 38.1% of the popular vote in a multi-candidate field. ( In a state with a population of 1.3 million, it's estimated that more people ran for Governor than actually voted.) The word "mandate" never quite fit. LePage ran on the usual, well-trod GOP planks of smaller government, lower taxes, no abortions, blah, blah. At no time did he mention his credentials as an art critic. Nevertheless, amidst the Wisconsin public sector labor furor, LePage decided to change the art decor of the Maine Department of Labor. An 11-panel mural created by Judy Taylor just three years ago was deemed by Gov. LePage as too labor-centric. Shocking! Governor Clueless has ordered the mural removed.



Leave us for a moment put aside the message this sort of silly interference sends. Let's ignore the sad, blatant pandering to business and the clownish spectre of Republicans attempting to govern by redecoration. One might suspect the Governor of Maine would have something of more significance to occupy his time than the wall-hangings in State buildings. In fairness to Gov. LePage, he did find time to appoint his daughter Asst. Chief of Staff at a salary of $41,000. Who says Republicans can't tackle unemployment? Attacking an idea by imagining hidden messages in paintings is right out of the Glenn Beck playbook. Honestly, wouldn't you expect the images in the Dept of Labor to be pro labor? Should the Governor's next target be the obvious bias toward students in the Dept.of Education? How about all those greedy farmers depicted in the art at the Agriculture Dept?


I imagine no one is surprised by this nonsense. Back at the beginning of the Bush administration, new Attorney General John Ashcroft expressed shock and dismay at the exposed breast of the statue of Justice behind his speakers rostrum. A sports bra being unavailable, Mr. Ashcroft restored the modesty of Justice with a old curtain. (Clearly, Mr. Ashcroft was a Gone With the Wind fan.)


Teabaggers live for this crap. They parade through the streets praying to the Constitution but abhor any expression that deviates from their idealized, Norman Rockwell view of America. In the eyes of the Baggers, freedom is defined as free to be just like them. That's why they want to defund NPR and the NEA. Bunch of elitist, liberal, communists. Even the artwork in the Maine Dept of Labor looks like something right out of North Korea. Seriously, what's wrong with us?

...or do Muslims need to take a Volkswagon-sized chill pill?

Where do you begin hating a story like this? During a demonstration/riot two weeks ago in Kabul, Afghanistan seven United Nations staffers were killed when their compound was overrun. The protesters were enraged over the burning of a Koran in Florida by fundamentalist preacher and all-around asshat, Terry Jones. In that the burning of the Muslim holy book took place on March 20th, almost a month before the riot, one must assume that the "Stupid News of the World" gets to Afghanistan via mule train. Rev. Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, FL had threatened this bit of theater back in September but apparently lost his nerve...or the matches. Seriously, Terry Jones should be a Reverend the way Jack Sparrow should be a Captain.

Americans don't take book burning much to heart. Bibles purportedly contain the word of God but the book's destruction by fire does not send Christians into the streets with pitchforks and torches. (Burning a copy of Guns and Ammo might get a throatier response.) Trey Parker and Matt Stone have recently produced and staged The Book of Mormon; a vulgar, blistering send-up of organized religion in general and Mormonism in particular. No one is protesting. No one is threatening Mr's Stone and Parker with certain death. Satire is part of our culture. We blaspheme because we love. Most religions practiced in America can take it.Even the Jews who have a legitimate right to be thin-skinned, tolerate a certain amount of ribbing. (No holocaust jokes, please.)

We acknowledge that Muslims have zero sense of humor about, well, everything. To avoid unpleasant reactions like fatwas, we keep our religious satire amongst those whose response to abuse tends toward a nasty email. We are incensed, however, when innocent men and women in West Asia are killed for a pseudo-crime committed a month ago in Florida. Two things must be said:

Terry Jones may be a douchebag but his right to burn a book, any book, is inviolate. Every American has an obligation to defend bad behavior in the name of our freedom. Flag burning, book burning, cross burning, effigy burning are small fires producing some heat but little light. They are, however, as essential to who we aspire to be as the Pledge of Allegiance.

Also, this obscene behavior by Muslim zealots in Afghanistan is further proof that we, America, need to pack up our shit and get out of that part of the world. The death of one more American soldier over these crazy-assed people is a sin against common sense. They don't like us, they don't think like us, they don't want to live like us so what are we doing there? We need to leave...now...today. Should there ever be another 9/11-like incident, there can only be one response...drones.

In the meantime, if Terry Jones needs any more fuel for his barbecue please chose from the following list:

Going Rogue by S. Palin

Winning the Future by N. Gingrich

No Apology by M. Romney

The Art of the Deal by D. Trump

Life, Liberty, Pursuit of Happiness by M. Huckabee

Courage to Stand by T. Pawlenty

He can even use "False Witness, The Michele Bachmann Story" but for God's sake read it first. It's a stitch.

...or should all GOP presidential hopefuls arrive at debates in a clown car?

Donald Trump? Really? Michele Bachmann? Really?

If you love Barack Obama and want to see his Presidency last forever, send a few bucks to the Political Action Committee of Michele Bachmann and the campaign war chest of Donald Trump. These two wannabes would look perfect atop the cake at Newt Gingrich's next wedding.

First we have Donald Trump: the man who has managed to give wealth a bad name. This guy has elevated douchbaggery to heights rarely seen in the popular culture. OK, this is America. If you have the money and appallingly bad taste, you can buy stuff and slap your name all over it; including multiple hotels, golf courses, casinos and wives. You can leverage your celebrity and obnoxious personality to buy a TV show and parade your lack of talent to an audience of marginally employed people who think watching someone get fired is entertaining. (The only way Donald Trump looks credible is standing next to Gary Busey and Meatloaf.) What you cannot do is delude yourself into believing that your fifteen minutes of self-inflated fame qualifies you to be President. Hey, Sponge Bob Square Pants has a following too but no one wants him to be commander-in-chief.

Normally we would just ignore an airbag like Trump but that was before candidate and cartoon began to merge. Unfortunately, any effort to turn this farce into a pseudo-legitimate run for the White House (or dog-catcher in Perth Amboy) demeans the entire process. Sarah Palin might be all sizzle - no steak but Trump left his sizzle in his other suit. He's a nasty, self important, thrice-married, bankrupt who believes if you pontificate on your greatness enough, you must be great. If the Republicans wanted a preening self-promoter, why not Charlie Sheen?

One notch over on the "seriously" meter we have Michele Bachmann. Ms. Bachmann possesses many of the credentials desirable in a candidate for national office. She has a law degree (although a law degree from Oral Roberts University is only a half-step up from a medical degree from Doctor Who U). Michele actually spent one year at a real law school, William and Mary, where she obtained an LL.M in tax law. She currently holds political office: Congressperson from Minnesota's sixth District. This, however is where the serious stuff stops.

Ms. Bachmann has learned much about how to succeed in national politics from her mentor, Sarah Palin. She has learned that an appalling lack of facts is no impediment to political credibility among tea baggers. You can stand in front of your fans and: 1) pontificate on the Founding Fathers and their opposition to slavery and, 2) remind the citizens of New Hampshire that, contrary to Rand McNally, Lexington and Concord are theirs to claim. Statements like these aren't just slips of the tongue. They are symptomatic of a new type of campaigning. Candidates like Palin and Bachmann can misstate any fact to suit the occasion knowing that their adoring fans either don't know the truth or don't care. Criticism by the legitimate press will be regarded as nitpicking by liberals eager to find fault with any small error. The campaign slogan should be, "Ignorance, Once Embraced, Can Be A Virtue" or, "Screw the History. I'm For Bachmann".

As a practicing liberal, I should be delighted that the race for the nomination in the GOP is beginning to resemble the village idiots convention. However, as an American, I'm troubled at the seriousness of unserious candidates. Every over zealous Christian goober that caucuses for Michele Bachmann increases the chances that some fringe candidate could be nominated. Remember all the protest votes for Ralph Nader in Florida in 2000? As fast as you could say 5 to 4 decision, GWB was President. People, if you must protest something, protest Presidential candidates whose list of qualifications is smaller than Dick Cheney's Facebook friend list.

...or do we really need to see more of Christine O'Donnell?

OK, where was I... Item The producers of ABC's Dancing with the Stars have apparently run out of "about-to-be-jailed politicians (Tom DeLay) and celeb wanna be's (Bristol Palin). They have now moved to clownish office-seekers. Christine O'Donnell, the Witchy Woman of Delaware, has been invited to trip the light fantastic on network TV for the amusement of the masses for whom reruns of Baywatch requires too much concentration. In case your gag reflex prevents you from reflecting on the election of 2010, Ms. O'Donnell was the Senate candidate from Delaware who lived on her campaign contributions and ran her election effort out of the back door of her condo. (Memo to Christine; "No grass...no grass roots.") Considering the stumbling, fumbling campaign effort mounted by Ms. O'Donnell, it's a bit of a shock to think she can cut a rug. (Calling Donald Trump). Assuming DWTS survives another season or two, we can, no doubt, expect a visit from: O.J. Simpson (who once danced his way out of two murder convictions), Ollie North (whose jitterbug in front of a Congressional committee is the stuff of legends) and perhaps even Karl Rove. Who wouldn't pay to watch twinkle-toes Karl trip his opponents and put liniment in their tights? Anyway, Dancing With the Stars, popular as it is, will be merely the teaser for the reality show that everyone is waiting for: Survivor, Iowa. ___________________________________________________________________ And speaking of Iowa, who thought it would be a good idea to have the Presidential election process begin in the middle of a corn field? I've heard of opening a show on the road but this is like touring Hair in Saudi Arabia. Face it: the cultural and political interests of Davenport and Ames are as close to the population at large as corn is to a corndog. If Iowa coughs up a hairball like Michelle Bachmann or, God forbid, Donald Trump, the electorate will be forced to accept the legitimacy of a candidate whose only attribute is interesting hair. Think about it: currently about 13% of the American population is African-American and another 4.5% is Asian. In Iowa the percentage of black people is significantly affected by the success of basketball and football recruiting at the University of Iowa and Iowa State. Aside from the engineering deptartments at Iowa's major universities, Asians would be tougher to find than Jews. The Iowa process for candidate selection isn't even an actual primary election; it's a caucus. For those of you unfamiliar with this process, a caucus is a meeting of all the Republicans (or Democrats) from a precinct. The winner is determined by whoever shouts the loudest. Now that our candidate has has conquered the overalls contingent in Bettendorf, it's on to another state that always reflects the mood of the population at large...New Hampshire. Some have speculated that the first actual primary of the season is held in New Hampshire as a test for potential candidates. If you can brave the snow and cold of New England in February, you're the man/woman for us. From there it's a quick ride down the coast to the single most batshit state in the Union...South Carolina. Honestly, is it any wonder that this bollixed-up process produced candidates like Tom Harkin and Dick Gephardt for the Dems and Pat Buchanan and George W. Bush for the GOP? (I told you it was screwed up!) Considering America's penchant for reality television, why not take a page out of the American Idol playbook: Assemble a few B-list celebrities, encourage them to berate and otherwise verbally abuse the potential candidates then, have Republicans from all over America call in and vote for their favorite. It couldn't be any worse than the current process and at least you could watch someone like Steven Tyler criticize Donald Trump for having hair stupider than his.

...or can we declare State Rep. Carl Wimmer of Utah the official state moron?

More reasons to move to Europe...



Apparently firearms aren't prevalent enough in America. The State of Utah is about to christen the Browning .45-caliber automatic pistol as the official state handgun. Perfect! Henceforth the victims of senseless school shootings or drug-fueled robberies will have the privilege of knowing that they have been ventilated by the official state gun of Utah.

Rep. Wimmer has glorified the Browning as "having defended liberty and freedom around the Country and around the world". Curiously, no mention was made of the thousands of innocent victims of accidental shootings. Scant attention was paid to the endless string of suicides whose success was assured by the high velocity, high powered .45. The rush to glorify the ownership and public display of guns in mostly red, western states is disgusting and shameful. Consider the brainstorm of failed quarterback Congressman Heath Shuler of North Carolina who, in response to the shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, has decided to "carry a gun more often" and encouraged his staff to apply for "carry" permits. One can only imagine the loss of life in Tuscon had the staff of Congresswoman Giffords returned fire on Jan. 8th.

The Supremes said you can own a gun. They also said that hand gun laws are unconstitutional. That doesn't mean that we should canonize John Moses Browning. What's next? the Winchester Highway in Connecticut or the Colt International Airport? Let's be proud about something else.




And speaking of the Supremes, Justice Clarence Thomas, old Mr. "I got my handouts so screw you" has been allowed to "amend" his federal income tax returns from 2003 to 2007. It seems that Judge Thomas neglected to include $680,000 in payments to his wife by the Heritage Foundation. In my country we have a name for people who under-report their income...defendant. Seriously, how is this not a felony? Should any one of you "forget" to include so much as a savings bank dividend, the folks at the IRS can descend upon you with the full might of the tax code. So how is it that Judge "don't pick on me I had a rough childhood" Thomas is allowed a do-over? Eat your heart out Al Capone!



And just when you thought it was safe to return to Barnes and Noble (where copies of S. Palin books are used to support shelves for real books) a new weasel is heard from. Donald "Mr. Sunny" Rumsfeld has authored a new tome which, according to reviewers, can be summed up in two words..."Weren't me".


Rumsfeld blames everybody but the manager of the Pentagon Starbucks for the botched war effort in Iraq from 2003 to his ignominious departure in 2007. Absent are the mea culpas for America's being totally unprepared to occupy Iraq, the insufficient troop strength for the occupation, or the institutional abuses at Abu Ghraib. To hear Don tell it, he was barely involved with the war at all. Colin Powell was wrong, Condoleezza Rice was wrong, all the generals were wrong, John McCain was wrong and President Bush was right but his advice was wrong. This from the man who gave us the quote "I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think and well, I assume that's what I said." Now who could argue with that?


Anyway, the book, entitled "Known and Unknown" extends Rumsfeld excuses and buck-passing across 800 pages. Hell, there isn't even an apology for all those senselessly killed trees.


BTW on the subject of strange, interesting, bizarre quotes; attend the tale of recently elected chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus. Chairman Priebus, while speaking to a media conference, disclaimed three times "Obama should be executed". Context indicates that he was talking about Osama bin Laden but hey, what do I know?

...or can we start contributing to the Michelle Bachmann For President campaign now?

Whether Barack Obama is Christian, Muslim, or a secret Druid, he is clearly praying to the right God. The Republican Party is far more fractured in victory than they ever were in defeat. That cute little gaggle of old white people in funny hats calling themselves the Tea Party has metastasized into the largest hemorrhoid seen in politics since Ralph Nader screwed up Florida for Al Gore. Having spent the entire summer drinking their own kool-aid, they are in the process of derailing what was, for a few minutes, a tidy Republican success. The GOP is yearning for the days when their ranks were filled with rich, dignified white guys who sent money and lobbyists but otherwise stayed in the background. Waking up the rabble has a price.


Last night's State of the Union rebuttal by the Republicans was the clearest example yet that Tea Baggers think the election was a victory for them alone. Not content to allow Paul Ryan of Wisconsin, himself a tea bag darling, to deliver the rebuttal to the President's speech, the baggers demanded a second rebuttal from Michelle Bachmann. You may remember Ms. Bachmann from such profound pronouncements as calling President Obama "anti-American" and stating that the census could be used to create internment camps. In keeping with the inflamatory rhetoric favored by the baggers, Rep. Bachmann suggested that Americans be "armed and dangerous" when fighting climate-change legislation. Ms. Bachmann might have used more caution in the selection of a platform for her coming out. The last two Republicans who spoke after Barack Obama: Bobby Jindal of Louisiana and Bob McDonnell of Virginia made a hash of the opportunity and disappeared into the political wilderness for years. Moral: Don't f**k with the eagles if you can't fly.


First Jese Ventura now Michelle Bachmann. Someone needs to check the hallucinogenic properties of the ink used on Minnesota ballots. At least Ventura was a self-inflected wound. Bachmann is in the Congress for God's sake. Flush from her recent landslide in Minnesota's sixth district (population 600,000. Same as Alaska) Michelle has been seen stalking the corn fields of Iowa. FYI. Bachmann's Congressional campaign cost almost $9 million and she polled 159,500 votes. At that rate, Michelle will need just shy of $3 billion to match Barack Obama's vote total from 2008. Because nobody, including Iowans, spend winters in Iowa unless they have presidential aspirations, Ms. Bachmann's motives are a tad transparent. (She is polling fifth in Iowa but that was before her Tuesday night speech.)


Michelle is the latest example of a clown who thinks she should be ringmaster. Being Queen of the Crazies is great as long as you confine yourself to being keynote speaker at the village idiots convention in International Falls. As Sarah P. is discovering however, the wider universe expects a little more than dopey platitudes. National politics is about broadening your base and offering America the hope of tomorrow. Telling the country that we are "under attack" and on the eve of destruction frightens the children and causes voters to seek a candidate a touch less apocalyptic.


Still, 2012 is a long way off. Hotels in Iowa and New Hampshire will continue to do a brisk business as a small army of presidential hopefuls gallump through the state. We have yet to hear from Tim Pawlenty, Minnesota's current governor and resident Casper Milquetoast. Still hovering around the hive are such diverse options as: Jon Huntsman, current Ambassador to China, David Patreaus, our superstar general in the mideast, Haley Barbour, the Boss Hog from Mississippi and a Georgia talk show host named Herman Cain. Meanwhile, The Prez is wearing out his prayer rug. He doesn't much care who the ultimate Republican victor is, as long as it's a fair fight. A long, gruesome, expensive divisive, ugly fair fight.

...or might it be possible trade with the Italians? They take the cast of Jersey Shore. We take Silvio Berlusconi.

Item

In 1997, without any provocation, the people of Italy inflicted upon the United States an irritation called Roberto Benigni. His Academy Award acceptance in 1998 caused Academy members to yearn for the no-show days of Woody, Brando and George C. Scott. Well it's taken thirteen years but America is about to get even.


MTV (hard to believe they're still around) has announced that next year's season of Jersey Shore will be filmed in Sicily. Governor Chris Christie should call a press conference and take credit for ridding the Garden State of the plague that is Jersey Shore. This squad of self-absorbed guidos (their term, not mine) has been the worst thing to happen to the Eastern Shore since syringes began washing up on the Tom's River beach. Fortunately, Italy's pain is our gain. While America scrambles to discover a way to revoke Snooki's passport, the Italians will be faced with explaining how, in just a couple of generations, solid Italian immigrants could morph into loud, loutish cartoons. Guess the Corleone's are looking pretty good about now.



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Item


Is it even possible to violate Jesse "the Body" Ventura? The former pro wrestler and Minnesota governor (it's difficult to determine which job required less mental acuity) is suing both the TSA and the Dept of Homeland Security. It seems that The Bod feels that full body scans and full pat-downs are a violation of his Constitutional protection against illegal searches. Wonderful! Another asylum is heard from.


Having served the people of the State of Minnesota a steady diet of not much from 1999 to 2003, Ventura has been mostly a bit player in both politics and film. Actually, most people think Ventura and Hulk Hogan are the same guy. Now that he has his own TV show on truTV, a cable station with an audience in the high three figures, Ventura is using the courts to flog his ratings. You see, my friends, the show is called "Conspiracy Theory". Get it? The TSA is "conspiring" to steal your rights. WOW! Think it's a coincidence that Lou Gehrig got Lou Gehrig's disease? Oh you naive fools. Watch my show.

If ever a trial judge needed to issue a gag order, this is it; retroactive to 1999 if possible. Unfortunately, the rest of us won't need a judge's order to gag.


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Item

In a move deemed long overdue, the Marriott Hotel Corp announced that it would no longer offer guests the opportunity to watch "adult content" films in Marriott hotel rooms. Yes folks, after God knows how many years of raking in countless millions peddling smut to its guests, the deeply conservative, Mormon-owned Marriotts have finally succumbed to pressure groups like Focus on the Family. Seriously, could these people be any less fun?

Apparently, those upright execs at Marriott had held forth for all these years, defending your right to watch porn in your room. Compared to the trouble you might get into on the streets or in the bars of America, a little in-room skin seemed a harmless vice. Besides, argued Marriott, the average viewing time was clocked at only about seven minutes. What's all the fuss about movies that couldn't hold viewer attention any longer than that?


At least Marriott guests will find new reasons to reach for the Book of Mormon, mostly to prop-up your iphone so you won't need two hands to watch downloaded porn.





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...or does our love for nostalgia extend to the HUAC?

Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear: those golden days of race-separate water fountains when Asians were chinks, (or Japs or slopes), Mexicans were (and maybe still are) wet-backs and there was a communist under every bed. Enter the House Un-American Activities Committee.

Formed in 1938 the HUAC heard testimony about possible subversive elements in American society. The country was sliding into the Second World War and there was real fear in the land that German and Japanese sympathizers would undermine the war effort. Communism was alive and well in Russia. Many intellectuals in America dreamed of, and lectured on, the perfect workers state from the safety and comfort of their tenured university positions. The Committee was determined to expose anyone thought to be a danger to the security of the Nation. The effort was noble and may actually have helped keep America terror-free during the war.

By 1945 the Committee became a permanent part of the Congressional agenda. By then all eyes had turned to the Red Menace. Communists were seen everywhere from the State Dept. to the high school classroom but especially in the motion picture industry. More than 300 actors, writers and producers were blacklisted. Failure to give evidence was seen as traitorous (See also The Crucible). It was not until after Jerry Rubin and Abby Hoffman made a mockery of the Committee's attempts to portray the anti-war movement as Communist, that the HUAC went away for good in 1975.

And so you say: why drag this unsightly bit of baggage out of the Congressional closet now? I'm glad you asked. Now that the Republicans are in charge of the House and committee chairmanships pass to them, Peter King of New York (actually Long Island) has assumed the top seat on the Homeland Security Committee. His first official act was to schedule hearings on the "radicalization of Muslims in America". This particular witch hunt will, if successful, inflame the already increasing Islamophobia loose in America. Presumably that is Mr. King's intent.


Muslims comprise something like 0.01% of the population. Nearly 25% of them are American-born converts; many of those are black. There are 1,209 mosques in America. Most are in big cities, like Newark and Detroit. (Actually we should be delighted that someone wants to fill out the population in Newark and Detroit.) Most have jobs, raise families, attend local soccer games, eat at Wendy's and otherwise comport themselves as normal Americans. Singling out any religious group for special scrutiny isn't just racist, it's un-American. Besides, most mosques are peopled with more FBI informers and undercover agents than the Hoover building.

Rep. King has already expressed his disdain for American Muslims during the "Ground Zero Mosque" dust-up. King has postulated that "80 to 85% of American mosques are populated by Islamic fundamentalists". King offered as proof of this outrageous claim the same facts presented by Sen. Joseph McCarthy regarding communists in the State Dept in the 1950's...none. King is very selective in his condemnation of terrorists. In the 1980's King was a frequent and vocal supporter of the murderous exploits of the Irish Republican Army in Northern Ireland. Jeez, Peter, at least Muslim bombers blow themselves up. The Irish set the charge and ran like hell. It may be instructive to remember that retailers in Rep. King's district on Long Island sell a lot more Guinness than hummus.


In a perfect world, Rep. King's hearing will receive no headlines and will quickly be exposed for the grandstand farce that it is. The more likely outcome is that Muslims in America will feel additional alienation in their adopted country and become even more susceptible to the lure of extremist clerics. Young people will be persuaded that government is their enemy and that American wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are, in fact, a return to the Crusades.


When will bigoted headline-grabbers like Peter King understand that people cooperate with law enforcement when they don't feel threatened? Alienation , mistrust and persecution are exactly what breeds junior terrorists. People with jobs, secure lives and families don't normally strap dynamite to their Sans-a-belt slacks. Whether Muslims will take the next step; informing authorities about someone they suspect, depends on how that cooperation will affect them. A potential trip to Washington to appear before Peter King's inquisition is enough to make a Muslim very forgetful.

...or do legislators need a translator so they can hear the things they say?

In my home there are only two kinds of altercations: situations where I am completely in the wrong (and I apologize) and situations where my outsized overreaction to my wife's misconduct puts me completely in the wrong (and I apologize). The shooting of Rep Gabrielle Giffords in Tuscon on Saturday has brought a similar response from the political right. The liberals are blaming the neocons for the political climate that produced Jared Lee Loughner and the neocons are crying foul.



Naturally, every accusation carried a disclaimer: "While there is absolutely no proof that the ads of Sarah Palin or the rantings of Glenn Beck contributed to the mental state of the shooter...shame shame everybody knows your name." Opinions like SUV's appear in no short supply. Some blame guns (290,000,000 in America and counting). Others think the Community College that expelled Mr. Loughner is at fault (something of a stretch but after Virginia Tech?). Sadly, at the end of the day, there was probably nothing that could have prevented this tragedy...or the next, or the next.


Among the more interesting responses, we have the suggestion of Republican Congressman Peter King of New York's third. Congressman King's primary contribution to the national discourse recently has centered around the "Ground Zero Mosque"; (he's again' it) and illegal immigration, (also opposed). Congressman King's Nassau County district, being 90% white suburbanites from New York City ensures that his stand on these issues will aggravate few of his constituents (except those who might be deprived of the occasional maid or gardener).


Mr. King has proposed that, in light of the shooting in Arizona, citizens be prohibited from carrying a gun within 1,000 feet of "high profile government officials". Presumably Congressman King believes that 1,000 feet gives him hope that a gunman might hit someone else. So let's be clear, Gabrielle Giffords is fighting for her life in a Pima County hospital and Rep. King's first response is "how can I save myself"? To hell with the people who have been gunned down by crazies at Columbine or Fort Hood, now that they're shooting at me and mine something must be done.


There might be some small justification for this if Congressman King had ever voiced a word of protest at the disgraceful lack of gun restriction in America. Or if Mr. King had stood in the well of the House and decried the lax laws that allowed Virginia Tech madman Seung-Hui Cho to amass enough firepower to kill 32 people. Rep. King was noticeably silent when Texas passed a law allowing concealed weapons in bars or when gun-nuts brought AR-15 rifles to an Obama political rally in 2009. Unfortunately, Congressman King was only moved to action by the thought that the guns that pollute this country might someday be aimed at him. What a man!


No one should be surprised at this sort of selective restriction. Antonin Scalia and his pro gun Supreme Court are all for the right to keep and bear arms...just not in or near the Supreme Court. How is it that public officials are gun-ho (sorry) about guns in churches or schools (Heath Shuler, Congressman from Tombstone, North Carolina thinks legislators should "go strapped") but ever so skittish when those guns appear around their place of employment. So I guess it's OK to bring my Glock 19 to the local Burger King as long as Peter King isn't in there ordering a Big Mac. And I can haul my Sig Sauer to catch the next showing of Black Swan at the Bijou as long as Justice Scalia isn't munching popcorn in the fifth row. Seriously, I can understand Congressman King trying to use his legislative power to protect his own ass but what about the six citizens who died in Tuscon? How many feet of protection should they have had?

...or should we never be surprised when someone picks up a gun?

Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot and severely wounded in front of a Safeway store in Tucson, AZ on the morning of Saturday, January 8. Raise your hand if you're surprised. Raise your hand if you are amazed that, in a country with as many guns as people, incidents like this aren't more common. Raise your hand if you believe that the constant vile rhetoric of the conservative wing of the American political scene isn't responsible for more Gabrielle Giffords. Raise your hand if you think any of this will change.

Today's Wall Street Journal was aglow with "don't look at us" disclaimers on its editorial page.
On all available evidence, Jared Lee Loughner is a mentally disturbed man who targeted Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and anyone near her in Tucson on Saturday because she was prominent and they were tragically accessible.
There, now don't you feel better? After roughly 48 hours and almost no detailed statement from law enforcement, Paul Gigot of The Wall Street Journal has boldly taken it on himself to assure America that this was the random act of a psycho. A man totally unaffected by the violent discourse that screams from every information orifice on cable television and talk radio. However, Mr. Gigot does have some harsh words for the media. That would be the media that attempts to paint tenuous dotted lines between the shooting in Tucson and Rush Limbaugh's big mouth or Sarah Palin's gun-sight map. Shame on you Keith Olbermann!

No doubt The Wall Street Journal trotted out the same nonsense after the shooting death of abortion doctor George Teller in a Wichita Church in 2009 or the killing of security guard Stephen Johns at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum that same year. "Just some wingnut folks. Nothing to see here". Except there is something to see. We need to look at how easy it is for unstable people to be influenced by ratings-crazy maniacs and how easy it is to purchase the means to act out. You can say that "both sides are to blame". After all, didn't the President make an unfortunate gun reference in a campaign speech? CRAP!

One side is to blame: neocons. Democrats aren't talking about "reloading". Liberals aren't drawing bulls eyes on maps...Sarah Palin did. BTW The response from Fortress Palin came from aide, Rebecca Mansour who is shocked that anyone would think that those targets on their 2010 campaign maps were intended to be gun sights. She suggested that they were just points on a map...like "a surveyor's symbol". And you wonder why nothing will change. Left-wingers aren't carrying flintlocks to political rallies. Democrats aren't suggesting "Second Amendment remedies"...Sharron Angle did. All the gun talk and all the "us vs them" noise is coming from the right. A nobody from Florida named Joyce Kaufman appeared at a teabagger rally in 2010 and proudly proclaimed "If ballots don't work, bullets will." Anything vague or fuzzy about that?

No one is suggesting that Michael Savage or Glenn Beck be silenced. After all, no one is forced to listen and it seems that as long as Fox News has an audience, Roger Ailes will continue to sow the seeds of violence and discontent. What we might expect however, is just a hint of the realization that actions have consequences. Fox and Limbaugh appeal to conservatives; the same conservatives who own all the guns. When you continually hammer your audience with opinions disguised as news, don't be shocked if they believe it. When you tell people like Jared Lee Loughner that his government is evil and is determined to take his liberty and his guns, do not express dismay when you elicit a response. Don't keep telling the well-armed and mentally challenged that healthcare legislation is a socialist conspiracy to kill your grandmother and then look shocked when one of them takes a Glock 19 to a Safeway. The President issued a "targeted kill" order on Muslim cleric, Anwar al-Awaki, after he was identified as an influence on Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Malik Hasan. Clearly someone believes that whispering in someone's ear "pick up a gun" might cause them to pick up a gun.

As we watch the news reports of Congresswoman Giffords' recovery (God willing) and the expected prosecution of Jared Lee Loughner, it might be instructive to reflect on who we are and what we are becoming. Check the newspapers for a week or two and see what countries produce headlines about slain public officials: Mexico, Pakistan, sub-Sahara Africa. Not much from Canada, Denmark or Japan. Why do you think that is? Our culture is everywhere so we can't blame Hollywood. Americans are admired and envied throughout the world yet when it comes to shooting each other, most societies take a pass. I don't have an answer except that maybe Smith and Wesson and Rush Limbaugh don't translate easily into Japanese.