Honestly, there are few things in life more comforting that our dislike for certain people. If you're a Boston Red Sox fan, you really have a case-on for Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez. If you don't live in the city of Miami, Lebron James makes your teeth hurt. Should you live in the Northeast, most guitar playing, cowboy hat wearing, country singers make you run screaming into the night. Certain people at your job make you want to throttle them until they vow to stop doing the things that make you crazy. There's a twisted pleasure derived from knowing that there are certain people you just plain don't like. (Note, I have avoided using the word hate. Hate is way too strong. It's difficult to imagine actually hating anyone you don't know intimately Insert ex-spouse's name here).
Conversely, it is genuinely frustrating to wrap yourself in the enmity you hold for someone else only to discover that the object of your negative feelings is capable of an unselfish act that forces a complete revaluation of your animosity. I mean what could be more frustrating than to learn that Karl Rove spends all his off hours (when he isn't destroying civilization as we know it) working with Ally Cat Allies? Or discovering that Snooki from Jersey Shore (just typing the name gives me agita) actually teaches molecular biology to blind graduate students at Rutgers? Information like that can bend your entire outlook. Hell, if you can't be sure of your negative opinions about people, what can you believe in?
Naturally, all of this reflection stems from an incident that transpired last week. A person who I hold in high esteem had a death in the family. The services were held in a part of the country which made attendance all but impossible. In subsequent discussion, I learned that the funeral was attended by a mutual acquaintance who I have held in low esteem. This fellow held a position which allowed him to make my life, and the lives of all of my colleagues, consistently miserable. His joy at spreading ill humor made a delightful environment, hell on earth. As you can imagine, his demise was greeted with universal happiness and derision. Now this person has committed the ultimate treacherous act; he has done something selfless and praiseworthy. Of all the snaky tricks.
I now find myself in limbo. I can't think of him the way I use to, disagreeable and unreasonable. That would be uncharitable to someone who did something magnanimous. Still, it is impossible to reverse years of rancour over one gesture. This sucks.
I've decided (like you care) to assume that I have been wrong lo these many years. Perhaps the good side was always there and I just wasn't in a position to see it. Sometimes good people aren't afforded the luxury of acting good. Maybe there was always a silver lining hidden under that fat, obnoxious cloud. So now the slate is clean. In the unlikely event that I should encounter this fellow, I will greet him as a long lost friend. I'll offer to buy coffee or a libation. We'll hash over old times and, if time and geography permit, we'll catch one of Skooki's lectures at dear ole Rutgers.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Monday, September 05, 2011
...or would Dorothy be forced by the Kansas legislature to travel back to Oz for a mammogram?
A lot of wonderful people come from Kansas. I actually know a few. These folks would help you raise a barn, bring in your crops, milk your cows and do any number of those other farmy things.
Face it, individually Kansans typify all that is good about America. Collectively, however, they are red-necked, cruel, and heartless. If a citizen of Topeka finds a homeless person (bum is a bit out of fashion) on his doorstep, he will feed him, care for him, and if possible offer him a job. That same citizen will then amble down to the grange and rail about welfare, healthcare and jobs programs. If you wonder where the cutting edge of contradiction can be found, look no farther than the The Sunflower State.
Of all the "fly over" states, Kansas is the easiest to fly over; or jump over. The highest point in the state is 4,039 ft, Mt. Sunflower or, as they call it in Colorado, a speed bump. This lack of topography has led Kansans to believe that no one is watching what they do.
Kansas has, by law, an official language: English. Apparently having 96% of this country and a fair slice of the rest of the world already speaking the mother tongue just didn't cut it in Kansas. (Taco Bell must have one hell of a time being compelled to translate "burrito" and "chimichunga".) In Kansas, when you call the state for assistance the answering machine says, "for English press one. For all other languages, go f--k yourself."
Kansas passed a law setting the minimum legal age for marriage at 15. It's unclear whether this was intended as protection for farm girls or a guideline for farm boys; like the minimum size of a keepable trout. Kansas has 29 dry counties which might help explain their cranky attitude. The Kansas legislature has passed several laws restricting the benefits and educational opportunities available to anyone residing in Kansas illegally. This is curious. At the rate people are fleeing the Wheat State you would think that Kansas would be more welcoming of anyone who actually wanted to live there.
Politically, Kansas is so red you can see it from space. Think Oklahoma without the charming accent. How Kathleen Sebelius ever got elected governor as a Democrat...twice...is anyone's guess. In Presidential contests Kansas has supported Willkie, Dewey, Nixon, all the Bushes and, of course, John McCain. Thankfully their 2.8 million inhabitants only warrant six electoral votes; about the same as Brooklyn. Normally, no one cares what these people do to themselves legislatively but that changed recently.
The insidious and dangerous nature of the red state agenda was never more clear than when the Kansas legislature passed a law effectively defunding Planned Parenthood. It seems that the god-fearing folk down on the farm are troubled by the fact that, in addition to offering a myriad of medical services to women, Planned Parenthood also offers counseling on abortion. Let's be clear, the vast majority of Planned Parenthood's services involve pap smears and mammograms.
To prohibit Planned Parenthood from functioning based on the misguided notion that it serves as an abortion mill, is criminal. Without Planned Parenthood, the rate of cervical cancer will balloon. Breast cancer will go undiagnosed and untreated. People will die. No, correct that...women will die.
This horrible law isn't directed at any aspect of men's health. Cancer screening for men will continue at whatever clinics currently do the procedures. This is all about women and women's health. Why any woman would support a state representative who voted for this law is a mystery. I understand that people don't always vote in their own self interest (see, "What's Wrong With Kansas" by Thomas Frank) but this is insane. You don't close the movie theater because one of the twelve films offends you. You don't ban all gun ownership (much as I'd like to) because a few people use them to rob liquor stores. You don't have to like or support abortion rights but don't deprive women of needed medical care to impose your narrow view.
Thankfully, U.S. District Judge J. Thomas Marten (the J is for John) issued an injunction preventing Kansas from closing the financial door on Planned Parenthood. I do not know the political affinity attached to Judge Marten and I don't care. This isn't about politics; it's not even about religion. It's about a small group of right-wing crazies pandering to a larger group of right-wing crazies. Like the teabaggers whose fight was never about the debt or taxes or healthcare, this is about social engineering. It's about the forty seven or so cliches (real Americans, founding fathers, close the borders, original intent, Jesus is my savior, blah, blah) the fringe uses to cloak their burning desire to impose their brand of Americanism on you.
But fear not, Kansas. Without organizations like Planned Parenthood, the EPA, OSHA, the FDA and others, you'll all be long gone; dead from cancer, botulism, farm accidents and pollution. And so citizens of Kansas,as you make that final journey to be returned to the soil you love so much, rest easy in the knowledge that there will still be plenty of Mexicans around, farming your fields and marrying your daughters...after they turn fifteen, of course.
Face it, individually Kansans typify all that is good about America. Collectively, however, they are red-necked, cruel, and heartless. If a citizen of Topeka finds a homeless person (bum is a bit out of fashion) on his doorstep, he will feed him, care for him, and if possible offer him a job. That same citizen will then amble down to the grange and rail about welfare, healthcare and jobs programs. If you wonder where the cutting edge of contradiction can be found, look no farther than the The Sunflower State.
Of all the "fly over" states, Kansas is the easiest to fly over; or jump over. The highest point in the state is 4,039 ft, Mt. Sunflower or, as they call it in Colorado, a speed bump. This lack of topography has led Kansans to believe that no one is watching what they do.
Kansas has, by law, an official language: English. Apparently having 96% of this country and a fair slice of the rest of the world already speaking the mother tongue just didn't cut it in Kansas. (Taco Bell must have one hell of a time being compelled to translate "burrito" and "chimichunga".) In Kansas, when you call the state for assistance the answering machine says, "for English press one. For all other languages, go f--k yourself."
Kansas passed a law setting the minimum legal age for marriage at 15. It's unclear whether this was intended as protection for farm girls or a guideline for farm boys; like the minimum size of a keepable trout. Kansas has 29 dry counties which might help explain their cranky attitude. The Kansas legislature has passed several laws restricting the benefits and educational opportunities available to anyone residing in Kansas illegally. This is curious. At the rate people are fleeing the Wheat State you would think that Kansas would be more welcoming of anyone who actually wanted to live there.
Politically, Kansas is so red you can see it from space. Think Oklahoma without the charming accent. How Kathleen Sebelius ever got elected governor as a Democrat...twice...is anyone's guess. In Presidential contests Kansas has supported Willkie, Dewey, Nixon, all the Bushes and, of course, John McCain. Thankfully their 2.8 million inhabitants only warrant six electoral votes; about the same as Brooklyn. Normally, no one cares what these people do to themselves legislatively but that changed recently.
The insidious and dangerous nature of the red state agenda was never more clear than when the Kansas legislature passed a law effectively defunding Planned Parenthood. It seems that the god-fearing folk down on the farm are troubled by the fact that, in addition to offering a myriad of medical services to women, Planned Parenthood also offers counseling on abortion. Let's be clear, the vast majority of Planned Parenthood's services involve pap smears and mammograms.
To prohibit Planned Parenthood from functioning based on the misguided notion that it serves as an abortion mill, is criminal. Without Planned Parenthood, the rate of cervical cancer will balloon. Breast cancer will go undiagnosed and untreated. People will die. No, correct that...women will die.
This horrible law isn't directed at any aspect of men's health. Cancer screening for men will continue at whatever clinics currently do the procedures. This is all about women and women's health. Why any woman would support a state representative who voted for this law is a mystery. I understand that people don't always vote in their own self interest (see, "What's Wrong With Kansas" by Thomas Frank) but this is insane. You don't close the movie theater because one of the twelve films offends you. You don't ban all gun ownership (much as I'd like to) because a few people use them to rob liquor stores. You don't have to like or support abortion rights but don't deprive women of needed medical care to impose your narrow view.
Thankfully, U.S. District Judge J. Thomas Marten (the J is for John) issued an injunction preventing Kansas from closing the financial door on Planned Parenthood. I do not know the political affinity attached to Judge Marten and I don't care. This isn't about politics; it's not even about religion. It's about a small group of right-wing crazies pandering to a larger group of right-wing crazies. Like the teabaggers whose fight was never about the debt or taxes or healthcare, this is about social engineering. It's about the forty seven or so cliches (real Americans, founding fathers, close the borders, original intent, Jesus is my savior, blah, blah) the fringe uses to cloak their burning desire to impose their brand of Americanism on you.
But fear not, Kansas. Without organizations like Planned Parenthood, the EPA, OSHA, the FDA and others, you'll all be long gone; dead from cancer, botulism, farm accidents and pollution. And so citizens of Kansas,as you make that final journey to be returned to the soil you love so much, rest easy in the knowledge that there will still be plenty of Mexicans around, farming your fields and marrying your daughters...after they turn fifteen, of course.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
...should we replace "in God we trust" with something more current?
I was thinking of something along the lines of "Thou shalt not jump to conclusions" or "Thou shall wait until all the facts are in". Anything's better than "Ready, Fire, Aim." This particular rumination came about as I was reading of the recent decision in the strange case of Dominique Strauss-Kahn. The case of the City of New York vs DSK has taken on all the trappings of "Duke Lacrosse Players, Deux".
The few available facts involving Strauss-Kahn (not easy to obtain) are as follows:
-Mr. Strauss-Kahn, age 63, was visiting New York in part to meet his daughter's new boyfriend. They had dinner the evening of May 13th.
-He checked out of the Sofitel Hotel on May 14th leaving behind his cell phone. (Other things "left behind" will be discussed later.) Meanwhile at the local precinct, a hotel maid, one Nafissatou Diallo, was explaining to a desk sergeant that, as far as she knew, the duties of a chambermaid did not include forced oral sex with nude, crazy guests. (The inherent dangers of "forced, oral sex" will also be discussed later.) The cops were sufficiently impressed that they abandoned their jelly donuts (no small event on a Sunday morning) and headed to the Sofitel to investigate.
-Meanwhile, DSK contacted the hotel and requested that his phone be sent out to JFK before his flight departed for Paris. This turned out to be his undoing. His phone, along with an arrest warrant. were delivered by several members of New York's Finest who unceremoniously escorted Monsieur Strauss-Kahn to a holding cell in Rikers. Mon Dieu! Dominique made every effort to explain that this was all a misunderstanding brought about by some confusion regarding the translation of the word "consensual". DSK was charged and later indicted for first degree criminal sexual assault and unlawful imprisonment.
-Ms Diallo is from Ghana and was living in the Bronx with her daughter. The author has no particular knowledge of sexual niceties in Ghana but in the Bronx, "no" means "put soggy Napoleon back in your pants. Just leave a gratuity like everybody else".
From here the facts depend largely on whom you choose to believe. The maid at the Sofitel claims that Strauss-Kahn emerged from the bathroom when she went in to clean. He was naked and seemed a bit deranged. He grabbed her and forced her into his lap. He then locked her in a closet and left...presumably fully dressed. There is DNA evidence that some kind of sexual activity took place.
Strauss-Kahn, forced by the DNA to admit to something sexual, professes that the tryst was consensual. (No doubt the French translation of "consent" is "your lips tell me no, no but there's yes, yes in your eyes".) He will no doubt swear that, finding himself short of change for a tip, he proffered the next best thing. After all, what black, poor immigrant woman wouldn't rather have a 60ish, Viagra-induced, French bone than a few euros? When asked why a woman from Ghana would seduce a fossilized Frenchman, Strauss-Kahn attorneys hint at a dark conspiracy, hatched to keep Strauss-Kahn off the French throne. (I know, he wants to run for President but throne sounds more exotic.)
Anyway, although the original prognosis for Monsieur Strauss-Kahn looked grim, his fortunes of late have been looking up. It now appears that his accuser's story has more holes in it than a box of donuts. She arrived in America from Ghana with a sad tale of gang rapes and other atrocities. That story was the basis for her green card as a refugee. Apparently there are enough inconsistencies in her story to cause Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance, Jr. to loose sleep.
Nevertheless, we the people, armed with only a perp walk and a few sketchy facts were out buying the rope for the execution. What did we really know?:
He's French
He runs an organization, the IMF, that we don't really understand but don't trust.
He is wealthy
He speaks French
He has a history of goosing women
He is from France
He is French
Never let it be said that facts or reason ever stood in the way of a good, irrational rush to judgement. In the case of the Duke lacrosse players, we were ready to castrate the little bastards. It was poor, black female students vs rich, privileged, white frat boys. Only later did we discover that it was really poor, dumb, drunk hookers vs rich, privileged, white frat boys. Being horny and nineteen isn't a crime.
Unlike the Duke Lacrosse players, it seems that Mr. Strauss-Kahn got some splainin' to do. He needs to tell us how his little swimmers got on the carpet. (Possibly setting the stage for the first "spanking the monkey" defense.) Considering DSK's proclivity for aggressive sexual harassment he garners as much sympathy as Casey Anthony. (Another case of trial by the great unwashed.)
Monsieur SK might be able to peddle that "consensual sex" story to the New York DA but his wife, French media darling Ann Sinclair may be less forgiving. Not only does she join that tragic mob of women, publicly embarrassed by their philandering husbands, she will also lose her chance to be addressed as the First Lady of France. Strauss-Kahn's hopes of ascending to the presidency of France are all but over. The French don't care if you shtup the maid. They probably don't even care if you ask permission first. But getting marched into an American courtroom to explain your wandering saucisson (Fr. dried sausage) to four hundred TV cameras is too much.
His career at the IMF in tatters and his politically ambitions all but over, what's next for poor DSK? How about a guest shot on "America's Least Wanted"?
The few available facts involving Strauss-Kahn (not easy to obtain) are as follows:
-Mr. Strauss-Kahn, age 63, was visiting New York in part to meet his daughter's new boyfriend. They had dinner the evening of May 13th.
-He checked out of the Sofitel Hotel on May 14th leaving behind his cell phone. (Other things "left behind" will be discussed later.) Meanwhile at the local precinct, a hotel maid, one Nafissatou Diallo, was explaining to a desk sergeant that, as far as she knew, the duties of a chambermaid did not include forced oral sex with nude, crazy guests. (The inherent dangers of "forced, oral sex" will also be discussed later.) The cops were sufficiently impressed that they abandoned their jelly donuts (no small event on a Sunday morning) and headed to the Sofitel to investigate.
-Meanwhile, DSK contacted the hotel and requested that his phone be sent out to JFK before his flight departed for Paris. This turned out to be his undoing. His phone, along with an arrest warrant. were delivered by several members of New York's Finest who unceremoniously escorted Monsieur Strauss-Kahn to a holding cell in Rikers. Mon Dieu! Dominique made every effort to explain that this was all a misunderstanding brought about by some confusion regarding the translation of the word "consensual". DSK was charged and later indicted for first degree criminal sexual assault and unlawful imprisonment.
-Ms Diallo is from Ghana and was living in the Bronx with her daughter. The author has no particular knowledge of sexual niceties in Ghana but in the Bronx, "no" means "put soggy Napoleon back in your pants. Just leave a gratuity like everybody else".
From here the facts depend largely on whom you choose to believe. The maid at the Sofitel claims that Strauss-Kahn emerged from the bathroom when she went in to clean. He was naked and seemed a bit deranged. He grabbed her and forced her into his lap. He then locked her in a closet and left...presumably fully dressed. There is DNA evidence that some kind of sexual activity took place.
Strauss-Kahn, forced by the DNA to admit to something sexual, professes that the tryst was consensual. (No doubt the French translation of "consent" is "your lips tell me no, no but there's yes, yes in your eyes".) He will no doubt swear that, finding himself short of change for a tip, he proffered the next best thing. After all, what black, poor immigrant woman wouldn't rather have a 60ish, Viagra-induced, French bone than a few euros? When asked why a woman from Ghana would seduce a fossilized Frenchman, Strauss-Kahn attorneys hint at a dark conspiracy, hatched to keep Strauss-Kahn off the French throne. (I know, he wants to run for President but throne sounds more exotic.)
Anyway, although the original prognosis for Monsieur Strauss-Kahn looked grim, his fortunes of late have been looking up. It now appears that his accuser's story has more holes in it than a box of donuts. She arrived in America from Ghana with a sad tale of gang rapes and other atrocities. That story was the basis for her green card as a refugee. Apparently there are enough inconsistencies in her story to cause Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance, Jr. to loose sleep.
Nevertheless, we the people, armed with only a perp walk and a few sketchy facts were out buying the rope for the execution. What did we really know?:
He's French
He runs an organization, the IMF, that we don't really understand but don't trust.
He is wealthy
He speaks French
He has a history of goosing women
He is from France
He is French
Never let it be said that facts or reason ever stood in the way of a good, irrational rush to judgement. In the case of the Duke lacrosse players, we were ready to castrate the little bastards. It was poor, black female students vs rich, privileged, white frat boys. Only later did we discover that it was really poor, dumb, drunk hookers vs rich, privileged, white frat boys. Being horny and nineteen isn't a crime.
Unlike the Duke Lacrosse players, it seems that Mr. Strauss-Kahn got some splainin' to do. He needs to tell us how his little swimmers got on the carpet. (Possibly setting the stage for the first "spanking the monkey" defense.) Considering DSK's proclivity for aggressive sexual harassment he garners as much sympathy as Casey Anthony. (Another case of trial by the great unwashed.)
Monsieur SK might be able to peddle that "consensual sex" story to the New York DA but his wife, French media darling Ann Sinclair may be less forgiving. Not only does she join that tragic mob of women, publicly embarrassed by their philandering husbands, she will also lose her chance to be addressed as the First Lady of France. Strauss-Kahn's hopes of ascending to the presidency of France are all but over. The French don't care if you shtup the maid. They probably don't even care if you ask permission first. But getting marched into an American courtroom to explain your wandering saucisson (Fr. dried sausage) to four hundred TV cameras is too much.
His career at the IMF in tatters and his politically ambitions all but over, what's next for poor DSK? How about a guest shot on "America's Least Wanted"?
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