...or will my Smartphone become self-aware before Newt Gingrich?

Things you don't need to care about and probably don't:

The French are holding an election for President. Because French politics is about as complicated as obtaining a Mexican drivers license (and about as interesting), we care only about the important stuff...like who has the hottest wife. Well, no contest here. Have you seen Carla Bruni, aka Mrs.Nicolas Sarcozy? She attracts a bigger crowd in Paris than the Louvre on "half price painting day". Mr. Sarcozy's opponent, Socialist Francois Hollande isn't even married. His "partner" for seventeen years was Segolene Royal who was defeated for President by Monsieur Sarcozy in 2007. (French politics is like an episode of Dallas without the big hair.) Hollande is currently chateau-ed -up with Valerie Trierweiler, a 47 year-old French journalist. Ms. Royal was 57, so an age upgrade there.

Unlike in the U.S., calling yourself a Socialist in France doesn't automatically consign you to laughing stock status on the debate stage. Should Mr. Hollande win (and he's looking good today) he will hardly be the first Socialist President of La Belle France. Think Francois Mitterrand who had the job for 14 years. Actually, Monsieur Hollande is a last minute replacement for New York's favorite hotel guest Dominique Strauss-Kahn. You may remember Mr. Strauss-Kahn as the gentleman who discovered a new way of expressing his appreciation to the chambermaids for good hotel service.

Anyway, if the Socialists win and the effort to roll back France's welfare state loses steam, France may wish to consider a rearmament of the Maginot Line. The Germans will be none too happy if their only real ally in the fight for European fiscal responsibility begins collaborating with the enemy. The Germans may feel the need to occupy Paris again; this time carrying briefcases.

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Because it's fashionable to complain about the customer service that American consumers receive today, allow me to interject my contrarian two-cents. In the last six months (I can't remember back much farther) I have dealt telephonically with service personal from at least 20+ companies. They range from retailers, insurance companies, the phone company (Verizon), internet providers and the electric co. Since most of the time we are calling to voice a complaint or at least correct a wrong, we are not often aware of the manner in which we are treated. I have discovered to my shock that the attention to service is amazingly high.

Seriously, every phone service person I speak to, Indian accents notwithstanding, is gracious, eager to help and surprising tolerant of my usually crappy attitude. I realize when I'm asked if "they have handled my problem" that the words are scripted but at least someone wrote a script and encouraged the service people to follow it. Even when my issue is beyond their competence, the phone people are solicitous and pleasant. There are a lot of ways to tell someone their request is unreasonable and customer service trainers appear to have hit most of them. I can tolerate being told I'm an asshole (God knows it happens often enough) as long as the revelation results in a resolution of the situation. So the next time you are forced to call Allstate about a claim or HP because your printer won't fax, pay attention to the way you are treated. It might be the least contentious conversation you have all day.

...or do we already know too much about you?

These are the times that try men's souls. A plague is loose upon the land. If left unchecked, it threatens to alter the very core of our being. From the time you awaken in the morning until you turn off the TV at night you will be affected by this scourge. It will influence how you interact with family, friends and co-workers. It could determine how much time you take to eat, shower and personally interact with others. It will consume your alone-time, especially the time you spend in the bathroom. That's right! I'm talking about the horror that is... over-posting on Facebook.

Oh, don't look so innocent. You know who you are. You post every homily, every aphorism, every cutsie saying or Youtube clip that informs your day. No event is too trivial; no meal or chance encounter too mundane to resist the need to tell the rest of us. Stuff that no rational person would consider transmitting via phone call, email or snail-mail, still makes its way into an endless series of "who cares" postings.

Having started out as a charming opportunity to share the occasional photo of your darling little (insert: dog, cat, goldfish, offspring or [shudder] grandchild) Facebook has blossomed into an internet obsession. Facebook posting has replaced smoking as something to do with your hands when nothing else is happening. We need rules, people! Here are a few humble suggestions:

1) Significance matters. If you dine at Le Cirque, tell us. If Wendy's forgot the mustard in your take-out order, keep it to yourself. If your dopey brother finally moved out of your mother's basement, share. If your son/daughter finished a Sudoku puzzle all by themselves, and it was just shy of their 35th birthday, hold that thought.

2) I'm guessing no one finds your family as interesting/beautiful as you do. Unless you are married to a Bundchen sister, one photo of any family member per month should be sufficient.

3) Words to live by, clever posters and great thoughts belong on bumper stickers not Facebook.

4) Sharing is caring. If we probably don't care...don't share.

In general, less is more. If you want your friends to read about your airport encounter with Tom Cruise, try not to post fifteen other notes about encounters with sales clerks, co-workers and a guy who looks like the guy on Good Morning America. Keep Facebook for cool stuff; you know, like blog announcements.

...or is Mitt Romney just Bob Dole with better hair?

Things that were happening while Rick Santorum was taken up in the Rapture:

Can anyone in America spell false equivalency? How about singing "one of these things is not like the other..."

Normally the all-time leader of the false equivalency tripefest is Fox News. In the world of Fox, there has never been a sin committed against poor people, black people, immigrants, women or any minority that doesn't immediately call to mind an equally heinous act perpetrated on a white, rich, native born, male. It usually sounds like "So how come the Left was silent when so-and-so did whatever." This is always followed by a condemnation of the media and its dark army of conspiratorial editors and producers. Lost of course, is the original story. Fox-o-philes never get tired of being told that all news (but theirs) is biased.

However, in the case of Miami Marlins Manager Ozzie Guillen it appears that all media have been bitten by the Fox bug. In an interview last weekend Ozzie, who was born in the Venezuela, was dumb enough to opine how he "loves and respects Fidel Castro". Think about that. Of all the towns in all the world to praise Fidel, Ozzie picks Miami. Cuban-Americans finish tied with Muslims every year for the Prickliest Ethnic Group Award. These people refuse to sleep on a Castro convertible sofa. They've been chilling the champagne for the "Fidel is Dead" celebration since 1959. Needless to say, Ozzie has since spent every waking moment backtracking. He has groveled to every Cuban from Marco Rubio to Tony Montana.

Actually, Ozzie has had a lot of practice apologizing. He is ever-so-slightly misogynistic, homophobic, racist and possessed of a vocabulary charitably described as colorful. Every other sentence is followed closely by an apology for offending some social or ethnic group. So why would image-conscious baseball tolerate such a loose cannon? Well, he took the Chicago White Sox to their first World Series victory in 100 years in 2005. Chicago's last championship occurred in the year Abe Lincoln threw out the ceremonial first pitch. His players love him and...his teams win. Think Billy Martin with a Spanish accent.

Circling back to false equivalency (you thought I forgot my point) the news outlets are alive with statements like "loving Castro in Miami is like loving Hitler in Crown Heights" (That's a Jewish neighborhood in New York. Try to keep up.) You might as well kiss a poster of Mao in Taipei. Both wrong. Hitler was Hitler. There are no equivalencies. Castro caused a lot of suffering in Cuba but on the evil meter he wouldn't even be in the top ten. Hitler is an evil mythology. Castro is just an old geezer who at 86 refuses to die.

Castro is still alive (as of this writing) and lots of people, including the baseball commissioner have visited Cuba and talked to him without turning to stone. Ozzie Guillen has also met him which explains his unfortunate compliment. Still, Ozzie's opinions are hardly significant. While it's true that no one can decide what offends someone else, I would humbly suggest that the Cuban American community get over it. The revolution was 53 years ago. You're Americans now. After all, it's not like Ozzie said he loved George Zimmerman.

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Tampa, FL officials have released a list of things that constitute a security threat during the Republican National Convention. Among the items not permitted on the convention floor: masks, pieces of string (I don't know why. Ask them.) and water pistols. Not on the list: firearms. In their infinite wisdom Florida legislators have prohibited local restrictions on gun possession. Is this a great country or what?

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A 46 year old hairdresser, Mickey Bolek, is attempting to fulfill his dream of becoming an Olympic figure skater, thereby combining for the first time, two well-worn stereotypes into one career.

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Rick Santorum abandoned his campaign to become mother superior to 300 million Americans when he announced that his effort to save us from ourselves was over. Santorum chose the Gettysburg Hotel as his Appomattox which was a fitting spot. Like the South, Rick was out-manned and out-financed. Santorum was also the victim of the worse beating in Pennsylvania since Bobby Lee got chased out in 1863. However, unlike the South, Santorum is destined to rise again, if not in 2016, then certainly in 2020. It will take that long for him to restock his supply of sackcloth and ashes.