...or should border security be more concerned with who gets out than who gets in?

Much has been written lately about American foreign policy starting with the assertion that we don't actually have a foreign policy. If it's true that Barack Obama is making it up as he goes along, good for him. God forbid a president should include new information in his deliberations. Better to be like his predecessor and never cloud any issue with facts. Anything would be better than the last committee of geniuses who determined our actions on the world stage. To his credit, Barack Obama has navigated some pretty hairy waters regarding Syria lately and so far:
1) No one is dead at our hands
2) We haven't blown anything up
3) Syria may be prepared to fork over those nasty chemical weapons
4) Russia is actually trying to help...maybe
5) No one has died from a US bombing (That bears saying twice.)

Anyway, as America attempts to discover how best to help the most number of people while doing the least amount of harm, a terrible tragedy has occurred. While no one was looking, three deranged psychotics escaped from the loony wing of the U.S. Congress and, in a plot only the Cohen Brothers could imagine, worked their way onto a stage in Cairo. Allowing these three asshats to speak in public is a farce. Allowing them to represent the United States in public is tantamount to allowing Honey Boo-boo to serve as ambassador to the UN. Seriously, if these three are the poster children for democracy, Egyptians everywhere will wish someone had Hosni Mubarak on their speed dial.
This then is the actual address in front of who-knows how many Egyptians. Hopefully no translators were available. Note: Of the people in the U.S. who have seen this video, 32% have applied for citizenship to other countries, 12% to Somalia.
Also, this video has been purchased by Gore Verbinski for his new sequel "Ring 3 - D.C."

 

 

 

 

...or do we need a leash law for Steve King?

And then we have the state of Iowa. You might suppose that a state with only four representatives  in the US Congress would take a bit of care in selecting them. If that were true however, how do you explain Congressman Steve King? If Rep. King's pronouncements were any stranger he could run for office in East Texas. Mr. King has come to national prominence by attempting to enrage, infuriate and otherwise offend every progressive special interest and minority in the entire country. Considering the number of tone-deaf, out of touch Republicans vying for the title of Most Inappropriate Politician in a Leading Role, Mr. King's rise to obnoxious prominence is impressive. One might be tempted to stereotype Iowa as just another collection of Mid-Western goobers who want Uncle Sam to subsidize their crops but look the other way while they romance the livestock. That would be an over simplification.

Iowa has been a difficult state to handicap. They nominated Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum for President in recent years but Iowa was one of the first states to recognize gay marriage. As devout Christians, Iowa has adopted the Biblical edict to love thy neighbor to its logical conclusion. Good for them. Iowa is 91% white (this number fluctuates depending on the racial makeup of the University of Iowa's offensive and defensive lines) and 75% catholic or Christian Protestant. If Iowa were a little farther north it could be Denmark. They have much in common with their cousins to the south and west (big on grits, guns, God) but on some things (for example English is not the official language) they go their own way. The farmers in King's own district favor a path to citizenship for illegals by a factor of two to one.

But then there's Steve King. Not content to  simply accept millions from Monsanto and the other agribusiness interests in his district, King has decided to walk in the shoes of Todd Akin of neighboring Missouri. Not about rape but about immigration.  In a recent speech Steve allowed that for every  illegal immigrant (read Mexican) who goes on to become valedictorian of his/her class there are hundreds smuggling drugs across the border. King has this on good authority. He spoke to one agent. The point of this despicable hate-speech is King's desire to torpedo the so-called Dream Act designed to streamline a path to citizenship for illegals brought here as children. Considering that there are about 35 illegals in Iowa (72% of the white population never leave) one wonders why Mr. King is so worried. Most immigrants would prefer Guantanamo to Des Moines.

However, King has not limited his warped world view to Latinos. He has attempted to attach a rider to the current farm bill which would virtually nullify state animal rights laws for companies engaged in interstate commerce. He has clearly stated his disinterest in any humane treatment of animals in factory farm situations. Jesus what's the big deal? They're just chickens. King thinks dog fighting is just fine and children should be able to attend. "There's something wrong when we outlaw dog fighting but allow people to fight." Well gee, who could argue with that logic? Psst! Congressman, People have free will. They can choose to fight. Dogs can't.

But why try to argue with morons like this. Iowa elected him so we're stuck. However, as our friends in Egypt have clearly demonstrated, elections, unlike diamonds, are not forever. Not that anyone is suggesting that we send the military to oust him. I'm sure a small, motivated gaggle of pit bulls might be helpful. At least they wouldn't be fighting each other.

Or are we the most easily distracted country in the...oh look...squirrel!

It's August and there isn't much going on anywhere. Well there is Egypt but that's a giant mess and picking a winner there is tougher than handicapping next year's Kentucky Derby. So while right-wing radio is blaming the President for: 1) Backing the wrong side in Egypt, 2) not backing the right side in Egypt and, 3) not knowing which side is the right side; the fighting and dying continues.  Of course no one on the right knows which side is "right" either except John McCain who wants to arm and attack all sides. No matter. The conservatives blame the President if it rains on the Fourth of July fireworks so the White House said screw them and headed for Martha's Vineyard. Cue the right-wing outrage about Presidential vacations. 

Still, there are 24 hour news cycles to be fed and nothing fills the gaps between real news stories like America' favorite pastime ...righteous indignation. We may owe our language and heritage to the English but, when it comes to getting our knickers in a knot we are purely French. Everything riles us. Kids who wear their pants around their knees, the ubiquitous use of cell phones, coddled criminals, Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman, abuse of police power, the NSA, the IRS, the BSA allowing GAY scout leaders. All this and more seem to set our kettles to boil. Here are a few examples from this week's Washington Post:

Item

Last week,  a rodeo clown at the Missouri State Fair donned an Obama mask as part of his rodeo clown shtick (whatever that is) much to the delight of Missourians who clearly voted in substantial numbers for the other guy in 2012.  In a state where cow tipping is an Olympic event and the state university offers a course in post hole digging, no one should have been surprised that the current President would be the object of derision in Missouri. Nevertheless, even before  the last cow pie was tossed, cries of racial insensitivity were loose in the kingdom. It goes without saying that whenever the name or visage of Barack Hussein Obama appears in some derisive manner, cries of racism will be sure to follow. This comes with the territory when you are the first person of your race to hold the job. Just wait until Hillary gets elected in 2016.

The clown/perpetrator says it was all in fun and I for one am prepared to take him at his word.Not so the captains of the politically correct police. The Washington Post editorials sounded as if someone had vaulted the fence around the Rose Garden and planted watermelons. They even found some Texas Congressman (shocking!) who invited the rodeo clown, one Mr. Tuffy Gessling to appear in his home district. Importing clowns into Texas? Talk about carrying coals to Newcastle! The clown (the performer not the Congressman) has plenty of defenders in Missouri. A support group, formed on Facebook, has 60,000 "likes". Who knew that Missouri had 60,000 folks on Facebook? Hell, who thought 60,000 Missourians could read?

Item

Here in the nation's Capital we live in a constant state of indignation. It's more constant than humidity in August. One of our recent pet peeves is the statue of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. which stands near the Tidal Basin across from Tom Jefferson. Since its dedication in August, 2011 the statue, or rather its pedestal, has been a sore spot for fans and followers of Dr. King. It seems that one of the quotes on the base of the monument was, for reasons best known to the designer, truncated in such a way as to distort its meaning. Although the mangled quote was decried by many, it took a Post (Washington not New York) reporter, one Rachal Manteuffel to lobby to get the thing changed. So, at a cost of $900,000 the statue will now be both politically and historically correct.

However, buoyed by her success, Ms. Manteuffel has appointed herself the sole arbiter of statuary good taste in the nation's capital. Her column in last Friday's paper attacked no less than six statues/monuments around the city including the Boy Scouts and Mary McLeod Bethune. In one case, a particularly offensive rendering of Abe Lincoln freeing the slaves, she may be on to something. The slave in question is in chains and on all fours in front of the President.This might have passed for symbolic art in 1894 but in today's racial climate...not so much. A minstrel show might have been less inappropriate.

As for the other five cited works, Ms. Mantuffel is a trifle off the mark. She seems to feel that every statue which includes an adult and a child is an ode to pedophiles everywhere. This sort of perverse thinking might cause the dismantling of the Washington Monument. After all, should a giant phallus be the symbol of the Father of our Country? The imagery is even more stark this summer when, closed for repairs, the monument is sheathed in a giant condom. Children, avert your eyes. 

For those who can't get terribly worked up over rodeo clowns and public art, we still have the ever popular (or unpopular) NSA. Sadly, on a subject which should actually engender outrage, the number of Americans who care about who listens to their conversations or reads their email would fit comfortably in the back seat of a Chevy Suburban. Seriously, we think we should deplore this snooping, we certainly want to be outraged but face it, we just don't care. The one thing in the news this summer that should probably cause universal indignation is generating less emotion than the trials of Paula Dean.

Try as we might we just don't see the harm in Big Brother knowing the daily machinations of our lives. "Let 'em listen" the sentiment goes. "I'm not that interesting." The Internet, Facebook, and Twitter have warped our sense of privacy to the point that we really have no privacy left and really...who cares? Aside from the conspiracy crowd who think that government is coming for their guns, no one is alarmed that Uncle Sam knows about your affair with the gardener or how you made par from a trap on the 7th hole at the club.  If you want to get people excited, try closing the local Walmart or cancel  Dancing With The Stars. 

There have been many reasons put forth to explain the fall of the Roman Empire but my own theory is that it started when Romans stopped worrying about what their government was doing and started caring more about the point spread in the Lions vs. Christians event at the coliseum.

...or are the Real Women of Washington just a fading memory?

Where are they now?

The recent emergence of Anthony Weiner (I just can't help myself) and the identification of the women he was sexting brings to mind all the delightful sexual transgressions of days gone by. Where are the Fannie Foxes of yesteryear? How titillated we all were at the news that long-time Congressman Wilber Mills was caught cavorting with a woman of "sporting morality" in the Tidal Basin in Washington DC one Oct night in 1974. Actually it was only Ms. Fox who jumped into the water and she was a stripper not a hooker but those are just details.

In any event, the exposure of Mr. Weiner's " amour de selfie" has launched the dubious career of a lady named Sydney Leathers. (So a guy named Weiner is exposing himself to a woman named Leathers? Who's writing this stuff Seth MacFarland? Soupy Sales?) Ms. Leathers has thrown a lanyard around her fifteen minutes of fame in the form of a bikini spread in the New York Post and an interview on Howard Stern. It's sad but, hey, it's August and nothing much is going on.

 So just for fun let's play a game called "Match the Miscreant" where you identify the lecher and put him with the lady in his life. Below is a list of famous men who have been identified with various women who then became famous. In fairness, not all of the women were actually guilty of anything. They were just tragically standing too close to some guy when the spotlight came on. There are one or two trick answers. Also, there are more women than men because some guys are serial offenders. No Googling please.



                    Gary Hart                                                            Monica Lewinsky (too easy?)           

                    John Jenrette                                                       Mary Jo Kopechne                            

                    Eliot Spitzer                                                        Gennifer Flowers  

                    Bill Clinton                                                          Rielle Hunter             

                   David Petraeus                                                     Sherry Rowlands            

                   Dick Morris                                                          Christine Keeler 

                   Nelson Rockefeller                                               Paula Jones 

                   Ollie North                                                           Deborah Jeane Palfrey

                   Levi Johnston                                                       Amy Fisher

                   John Edwards                                                       Donna Rice

                  David Vitter                                                          Kathleen Willey

                  John Profumo                                                       Elizabeth Ray 

                  Wayne Hays                                                         Asley Dupre

                  Joey Buttafuoco                                                   Meghan Marshack  

                 Ted Kennedy                                                        Bristol Palin

                                                                                                Rita Jenrette

                                                                                                Mandy Rice Davies
                                                                                             
                                                                                                Paula Broadwell

                                                                                                 Fawn Hall


I'm sure we forgot a few so please let isitjustme know who we left out and I'll edit the list.





                                      

                                                             








                                        

...or is Anthony W. the political equivalent of "Take my wife...please".

The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things: of soups and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and Carlos Danger.

There is a certain reluctance in writing about the disgraced/disgraceful former congressman from Queens, NY. Everyone from Bill Maher to Francis I has taken their shots. And why not? A sex scandal involving a man named Weiner is irresistible. And to compound the farse, the guy is continuing his run for mayor. Sure, there have been circus-style mayoral elections in New York before (1965 and 1969 come to mind) but those character-candidates at least kept their pants on. While lowering his trousers, Mr. W. has raised the bar on weird, creepy behavior.

Anyway, in an attempt to be fair (to keep our punches up, so to speak) this column will contain no penis puns, no double entendres and no laugh-up-the-sleeve jokes. Clearly, the story of a U.S. Congressman's serial sexting should be troubling enough without the added smirking engendered by his unfortunate last name. (However, please feel free to snicker at will if the spirit moves.)

So the big question remains...Holy crap! What was he thinking? How does a man with a model for a wife and a promising political career, toss it all in the trash so that he can pursue a career as a new age Long Dong Silver? Seriously, Anthony's bizarre peccadillo (OK that's close) makes Mark Sanford's trip to Appalachia via South America look sympathetic. He may have been looking for love in all the wrong places but at least he was getting laid. Bill Clinton looks like the lovable rogue. Weiner's actions hue closer to our friend Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. And he even chose a         nom de stiffie, Carlos Danger.

Candidate Weiner, as we all know: 1) got caught sending pictures of his naughty bits to women not his wife, 2) resigned from Congress, 3) vowed never to do that again, 4) went right back to "doing that again", 5) announced his candidacy for mayor of New York, 6) held a press conference last week with his wife at which he refused to resign from the race and with her unflinching support, suggested that there may be more sexting incidents as yet uncovered. Actually the public did most of the flinching.

So, we already know that the ex-congressman imagines a scenario whereby New Yorkers will go to the polls on Sept 10 (actually Sept 10 is the Democratic Primary but the Dems will probably win in Nov.), take a deep breath outside, hold their nose and vote for A. Weiner.  (Truth be told Weiner would fare a lot better if the polling place were at the city dump.) What we don't know, at least not entirely, is what the lovely Huma Abedin aka Mrs Anthony Weiner was thinking when she excused, forgave and supported her creep of a husband. Clearly, working so closely with Hillary Clinton gives her a rare insight as to how to navigate your public personae when your spouse is a skunk, but even the long-suffering Hillary might have handed Mr. Weiner his walking papers. Although, when you start grading perversity i.e. .sending strangers snaps of your genitals vs. having the planet learn how your husband has been flavoring his cigars, you're already competing for dumbest spouse of the year with Silda (Mrs. Eliot) Spitzer.

In today's NY Times, Maureen Dowd speculates that Ms. Abedin's Saudi upbringing might be a factor in her "stand by your heel-of-a-husband" attitude. As a Muslim woman (although born in the U.S. and educated at George Washington University) she may feel that being able to drive the family car and not being lashed regularly qualifies as a pretty sweet deal. After all, what Anthony does with his gonads is no affair of hers. It's like using the shower at the gym...except the shower is coed. In any event if she's not humiliated, who are we to judge? Maybe he's a good cook?

Still, New York is not New Delhi and the stink arising from the Weiner campaign might even offend those hardy souls east of the Hudson. The idea that people rally around locals comrades when they are attacked from the outside may not be enough to carry the day. It's not as if Mr. Weiner was Mike Bloomburg with a proven track record. Weiner's stay in Congress was marked mostly by fiery speeches that led to no legislation. Come to think of it, Mr. Weiner's notoriety stems almost entirely from making public what most of us keep private. By that measure, we should nominate Edward Snowden for Mayor.

OK just one headline:

"When It Comes To Sexting, Anthony Weiner Has No Sense Of Huma."

...or is Pope Francis running his Church out of the Houdini playbook?

Employing all the glitz and glitter at its disposal, the Catholic Church announced on Friday that it was elevating two of its former CEO's to the ranks of sainthood: Pope John XXIII and the recently departed John Paul II. (Under sainted leaders, see also Steve Jobs - Apple and Jack Welsh - General Electric.) The new Pope, Francis I was so eager to elevate these distinguished clergymen to rock star status that he waived both the required "miracles" in the case of John and the decades of waiting which has traditionally accompanied canonization. (Actually, the process has historically been a bit uneven. St. Francis Xavier waited 70 years but St. Francis of Assisi only two. St. Joseph wasn't recognized until 1962 and he has a statue in the manger.)  Those lobbying for Mother Theresa (for a lifetime of sacrifice among the poor)  and Mel Gibson (for producing Passion of the Christ) will have to wait for a vote by the veterans committee.

Clearly, the spotlight that is the Papacy bestows a significant leg-up in the race for sainthood. No less than 75 of the 266 men (and maybe one woman) to hold the title have risen to the status of saint. That's 30%; substantially more than U.S. Presidents who have a statue in the Capital. Granted that includes 48 out of the first 50, when being Pope was short on Gucci red shoes and long on martyrdom. Nevertheless, your good works and piety are much more likely to be noticed if your mode of transport includes being carried in a big chair with a big crown.

Recent Popes have been a bit out of favor for sainthood. The last Pope so honored was Pius X in 1954 and before him was Pius V in 1712, 150 years after his death. Some consideration has been given to men like Pope Pius XII but his indifference to the deaths of seven million European Jews during WWII and his chummy relationship with  A. Hitler (they were Facebook friends) have stalled his advance. Indeed, the reason for caution and restraint in the naming of saints has been the concern that some inconvenient fact might surface subsequent to canonization which might cause embarrassment to all concerned. The Church can hardly have its children praying to St. Fredrick the Fornicator or Mother Alice the Embezzler.   Better to wait until all the unsavory skeletons have emerged from the historical closet before bestowing high honors on the unworthy. Sainthood used to require a bit more than a Google search. Some saints such as St. Christopher have been scrubbed from the rolls entirely because there is some doubt as to whether he ever existed. Oops! So who's on all those medals?

Note: for those unschooled in Catholic mythology, a saint is person who has lived a life of great holiness and is believed to be in heaven. They are therefore available for public veneration as in, it's OK to name your halfway house or Knights of Columbus hall after them.  The Church does not create saints, it only recognizes them. Because holy people are thought to be in heaven, praying to those persons is a request for intervention with God. When a particular event (miracle) can be attributed to praying to a specific holy person, that person can begin consideration for sainthood.  Currently, one miracle is needed for beatification (step one) and another for sainthood. The fact that these conditions were loosened by John Paul II who will now benefit,  is an irony best left to history.

Rome has thus chosen two recent Popes for sainthood. One, John Paul II was pope for 28 years and virtually remade the Church in his own conservative image. The other, John XXIII, only had the job for five years and, while he rocked the world by convoking the Second Vatican Council, wasn't especially renowned for his piety. Nevertheless, Francis I decided to avoid any controversy by naming both a sixties radical who liberalized the Church and the pope who spent three decades dismantling all that liberal activism. If Francis were in Congress, we would have had immigration reform four years ago.

Still, of less importance than the nominees for sainthood is the timing of the announcement. In a brilliant attempt at misdirection (Look. Squirrel.) the RCC has deflected attention  from the 6,000 documents released under court order by the Archdiocese of Milwaukee last week. The federal judge reviewing the diocese' bankruptcy filing ordered the Church to disclose their nasty little secrets. It seems that the good bishops of Milwaukee have been shielding both pedophile priests (shocking!) and their ecclesiastical boodle. In 2007 the archbishop of Milwaukee requested permission from Rome to bury $57 million in a cemetery fund (ha, ha!) to protect it from  "legal claims and liability". In other words, the cash wouldn't be subject to use as compensation for victimized children.  The author of that request was none other than Cardinal Timothy Dolan; that jovial, Heineken-swilling, prelate whose current address in St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York.

Dolan is the public face of American Catholicism. He's the poster boy that was interviewed by "60 Minutes". He's the "we're looking forward not backward" guy. (Considering all the litigants in your rearview mirror, looking forward is a good plan.) The last thing Rome needs is to have a legal shit-storm swirling around a cardinal who actually got a few votes for pope at the last conclave.  So what better way to divert attention from the unpleasant truth oozing from Wisconsin than to make a happy announcement? "Pay no attention to those child molesters and their enablers in America. Ignore the hiding of millions of dollars from court settlements. Forget the bogus bankruptcy filing which will keep the Church in gold chalices and good scotch. Rejoice in recognizing the piety of John Paul II, the  pope who masterminded the massive church cover-up of pedophiles and perverts all over the world. Hallelujah!" Pope John XXIII, who really was a good guy, is spinning in his papal crypt.

...or should the Faith and Freedom Coalition hold its next meeting on the grassy knoll?

It's time to get serious about who's running our country.
If you're serious about governing, you should pay attention to the words you use. Words matter. Facts matter. How you frame your argument and present your point of view will go a long way toward voters deciding if you are a serious engineer for change or just another airbag saying outrageous stuff to sell a book or promote your TV gig. Many people in the politician sphere have no intention of governing. They will never have to sell an idea for improving life to 434 other members of Congress or 99 other Senators. They will never have to defend the decisions they make or explain to an angry constituency why they voted as they did. Their rhetoric has no real world consequence. No one goes to war because of their opinions or pays a tax or loses a job. To them it's all just theater; a show where they get to entertain an audience that pays to have their own delusions reinforced. If Elmer Gantry were a real person, he'd have a prime-time spot on Fox.

Nowhere was this more evident than in Washington last month. When the conservative clown-car began disgorging its happy band of miscreants at the Marriott Harborplace, we knew we were in for a treat. Once upon a time there were precious few opportunities for these slapstick players to perform. The RNC Convention was held only once every four years. Then along came CPAC the Conservative Political Action Committee which holds its squirrel festival every year. Now we have organizations like Focus on the Family, The Eagle Forum, The Family Research Council and, this week, the  Faith and Freedom Coalition. ( Coming soon the "I Love America and You Don't" Forum). All of these groups (same nuts different trees) have annual meetings which afford the clown car passengers a plethora of opportunities to shake their fist at the liberal media, the liberal administration, the liberal Congress but not presumably, the liberal use of cream cheese on the breakfast bagels. They also get to earn a healthy speaking fee while appearing to remain politically viable; like a touch footfall game at your 25th high school reunion...except you get paid.

The Faith and Freedom Coalition really loaded up the wagon for this year's gasfest. After all, nothing brings out the outrage like a Kenyan, Muslim, socialist in the White House. The only way most of these speakers could attend a serious political gathering would be to get a job with the caterer but in conservative circles they are the A-listers. No whack-a-doo, has-been/never-was should fear slipping into obscurity as long as these groups are around. The usual suspects included: Sister Sara (whose act never gets old), Herman Cain, Donald Trump, Michele Bachmann, Rand Paul, Alan West, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum and Mark Sanford (who only came to chase skirts). How they missed Joe the Plumber is anyone's guess. Honestly, with this many nuts in attendance the entire convention should be sponsored by Planters.

All the speakers were in rare form. Michele Bachmann stated emphatically that the passage of immigration reform would mean the creation of 30 million new Democrats. Really? 30 million? Oh wait, your statement doesn't have to be factual or even logical. It only has to be anti-Obama.
Michael Medved, who is part of the radio talk show cabal that runs the Republican Party, said the Obama majority among voters was limited to the single, the poor and the irreligious. Mike, baby, Obama carried Catholics, married women and, well, everyone except old white men...like the audience at the Faith and Freedom Forum.

Notably missing from the list of speakers were John McCain, Chris Christie, Governor John Portman of Ohio, John Huntsman and virtually anyone who understands how to govern or has the faintest hope of being elected to anything. (Rand Paul is the notable exception. Until conservatives discover what libertarianism really is he'll be a hero at these events)

But upon further reflection it's clear that even when the Republicans get into office, they have no interest in actually governing. The GOP-led House of Representatives has voted to repeal Obamacare no less than 37 times. Why hold meaningless votes on bills that can never become law? They have voted to de-fund ACORN, an organization dead and buried for three years. They pass abortion restrictions that are clearly DOA once they hit the Senate. On the state level, 13 states, mostly in the reactionary South, have voted to opt-out of increasing Medicare coverage for their citizens even though there is no cost to them. Wisconsin has joined Virginia on the vaginal ultrasound bandwagon.


This just in...we have a new candidate for Governor of Virginia. Wait for it...Tareq Salahi is in the race as, what else, a Republican. In case you forgot, it was Tareq and his bimbo-blond wife Michaele who wandered into a White House state dinner in 2009, sans invite. Since then, his wife left him for Journey's 58 year old  journeyman guitarist and the former couple is being sued by everybody from three Virginia counties including the horses that formerly lived on their property. True to his gate-crashing code Salahi is running as a write-in. If you're convinced that the script for the            Republican's new Rise to Majority is being written by the editors of the Onion, you may be on to something.

One last thought.

FLASH!! A Republican congressman from Texas has said something so outrageously dumb that it needed reprinting. I know, right? What are the odds? Congressman Mike Burgess of the Texas 26th District (north and west of Dallas) has testified that male human fetuses masturbate. Seeking to establish that a 15 week embryo can feel pleasure and therefore pain, Dr. Burgess (yes, this guy is a licensed OB-GYN) is trying to stop abortions using weird science and wildly speculative observation to advance his agenda. Congratulations, Dr. Mike. Your galactic stupidity has earned you todays' grand prize...a lifetime supply of leeches and a free bleeding at the barbershop of your choice..

...or do big budget movies make you want to go outside and have a cigarette?

There's a lot to love about May/June: great weather, (before the heat drives everyone back indoors), school buses no longer make commuting a unending nightmare (ask a driver on a Monday morning stuck behind a bus how he feels about home schooling) and even the crappiest yard in your neighborhood has a fresh green look. Late spring also means the arrival of that cineplex phenomenon known as the summer blockbuster. Every year around Memorial Day local theaters are awash in big budget, high octane, testosterone fueled extravaganzas. Most are sequels or remakes (Man of Steel, Fast and Furious 73, Iron Man 3, etc) Some are sequels masquerading as new movies (Star Trek Into Darkness, The Internship [wedding crashers go to Google] and Monsters University).  Last year 9 of the 10 top grossing films worldwide were sequels. No great surprise there. Ask your average Hollywood mogul if he'd rather own the rights to Hangover or John Carter.

Summer blockbusters don't change much from year to year. They get bigger, noisier, special        effect-ier and, with the advent of 3-D, pricier. Tragically they don't get smarter, more innovative or sexier. (Sex is right out if you want to keep your PG-13 rating.)  In spite of the considerable success of the dialogue-rich Iron Man movies, most directors will prefer a few more bullets or explosions to a few more words any day. You want words, go see Much Ado About Nothing. Even James Bond, with that dreamy British accent that magically causes women's undies to hit the floor at fifty paces, would prefer to shoot rather than talk his way out of  sticky situations. I like a good special effect as much as the next guy but not at the expense of a credible plot. You want plot, go see The Usual Suspects. (I'm told that the next Fast and Furious will feature Vin Diesel crawling through the tail pipe of a Toyota and winding up as a character on the GPS screen.)

Isitjustme doesn't usually do movie reviews. We can't normally see enough of them to be relevant. Plus there's a distinction between movies and films. Films are pictures made: 1) in third world countries, 2) by directors with unpronouceable names 3) with subtitles 4) shown only in theaters (actually "theatres") in really bad neighborhoods. Unless you're trying to impress a woman, these films are best left to On-demand. Mostly we see movies that are non-artistic drek, made for teenagers, serial killers with time to burn and the unemployed. In other words fun stuff. So for the benefit of anyone with $30 to waste and a few idle hours in their day, here are a few selections that we have seen.

Iron Man 3 - Someone needs to explain why Iron Man and Fast And Furious get regular numbers and Hangover gets Roman Numerals.
Iron Man is pretty good. Robert Downey, Jr is fun in the title role. He's irreverent, charming and capable of using multisyllablic words (a drawback in The Hulk). Think Bill Gates with really cool face hair.  There is a story, it makes sense, sort of, and there's a bit of comic relief and from an unexpected source. Guy Pearce plays a delightful villain (a hero is only as good as his nemesis) and our hero lives to fight another day...and make Avengers 2 (or maybe II).

Star Trek Into Darkness

 An explanation for the culturally clueless who were probably reading Proust in the sixties: Captain James Tiberius Kirk and his intrepid crew aboard the Enterprise spent the better part of four years from 1966 to 1969 in outer space,  boldly going where no man had gone before. Cancelled as a TV series the storyline went on to foster six (VI) movies with the original cast and a prequel movie in 2009.  Into Darkness is the sequel to the prequel. Remember, in space no one can hear you scream, "Stop flogging this franchise to death".

Actually the movie is good. Seeing Spock, Bones McCoy, Uhura, Chekov, Sulu and the gang when they were just kids is a gas for "those of a certain age". Younger audiences appear to like it too. Watching McCoy and Kirk invent the cliches that made them fully formed characters in TV reruns is like seeing James Bond have his first martini. (Casino Royale, 2006.) Even the bad guy is a visitor from the future... or the past. Yes the budget and the effects rob the tableau of some of its sixties kitsch but no one in 2013 would tolerate Doctor McCoy using a salt shaker as a prop to administer an injection (true story). The movie feels right and director JJ Abrams has paid considerable homage to Gene Roddenberry's vision from 45 years ago.

Now You See Me

Another example of how movies are becoming fun again. Now You See Me has a cast for all ages, from Jesse Eisenberg of Social Network fame, to Mark Ruffolo to Woody Harrelson to Morgan Freeman. It's a big caper movie that, although it cheeses on the payoff a bit, still provides a lot of the reason you go to the movies instead of the bookstore (like you could find one).
"Magic" movies haven't been big box office lately (The Prestige, The Illusionists) maybe because it's too hard to make a movie audience sit still for complicated magic tricks unless the trick involves fast cars and rocket launchers. You should give this one a chance. How they did it will matter less than who and why.

If I had to find a fault with blockbusters, it would be the need  for the pull-out-all-the-stops, bigger than the last one, knock our socks off climax. (This kind of climax is distinguished from the other kind in that men tend to be more excited at the end than at the start. Women, not so much.) The idea that a hero and villain spend two hours outwitting each other, only to have their conflict resolved in a fist fight seems cliched? Really? A mano a mano brawl? What are they, cave dwellers? Every action movie ends the same way. It's like a fireworks show. Throw all the stuff in the air at the end. Maybe just once, the good guy and the bad guy could put aside their differences and unite against a common cause, like climate change or genetically modified foods.  We need something else. After all, Proust doesn't end like that.

...or should we be offended that more people aren't offended?

It would appear that, for the foreseeable future, The Washington Redskins will remain The Washington Redskins. It is difficult to imagine the level of shame that should be felt by Dan Snyder, owner of the team, Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the NFL and, the country in general. And yet, there is no outrage, no boycott, no statement from our first black President. Why should there be? After all they're only Indians. It's not like we owe this race of people we systematically disenfranchised, tortured and murdered by the thousands any shred of respect. Their very existence is a reminder of how reluctant we should be to condemn the Greeks in Armenia or, yes, the Nazis.

This isn't about dignity. It's not about race. It isn't even about justice. It's about money. Dan Snyder owns one of the hottest merchandise franchises in the country. Sales of Robert Griffen III jerseys broke all records in 2012-13. His shirts can cost up to $249 a pop. The Washington NFL franchise trails only the Dallas Cowboys in sales of logo-laden crap. If you imagine that Dan Snyder would jeopardise that pot of gold for anything as trivial as the culture of another race, then you must believe in the concept of the student athlete. Remember, Snyder is the guy who sued his own season ticket holders who couldn't pay for their seats after the recession of 2008-9. This guy would ration the toilet paper in the ladies room if he could.

Snyder is a greedy pig without question but the NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell is just gutless. Having received a letter from the Congressional Native American Caucus, requesting a change in the Washington team's name, Goodell thought about it for a nano-second and wrote back. His letter states, in brief, go stick it up your wigwam. "Neither in intent nor use was the name ever meant to denigrate or offend any group." Well, that's a load off my mind. Except you don't get to decide what offends me. It's not OK to fly the Confederate stars and bars over a state capital and tell black people to get over it. We wouldn't even consider the Washington Wetbacks or the Washington WOPS. Why is Redskins OK?

The name Redskins derives originally from Braves Field,  the venue that hosted the team in its earliest years in Boston. It was changed to Redskins when the club moved to Fenway Park and was maintained when they moved to D.C. in 1937.  However it was through the 50's and early 60's that controversy first attended the team. Owner George Preston Marshall adamantly refused to hire black players. The Redskins played in Griffith Stadium, home of the thoroughly racist Washington Senators baseball franchise. (The Senators owner Cal Griffith told a crowd in 1970 that he moved his team from D.C. to Minnesota because "you only have 15,000 black people here"). The Senators finally hired a black player in 1954 (seven years after Jackie Robinson signed a contract with Brooklyn) but it took Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy to force Marshall to integrate his football club. The Redskins signed Bobby Mitchell in 1962, seven years after every other NFL team desegregated. The fact that the Redskins played in Robert F. Kennedy Stadium from 1969 to 1996 is an irony lost on Dan Snyder. Marshall, it's said, had no great love of Jews either. One can only speculate how offended Dan Snyder, who is Jewish, might have been if GP Marshall had called his team the Washington Kikes or the Potomac Jewboys.

Roger Goodell is a busy man what with perpetuating all that racism so I have taken the liberty of rewriting his letter to the Congressional Native American Caucus. This is what he meant to say:


Dear Native American Brothers,

HOW!

I understand that you feel that the name Redskins as a mascot for the Washington football team is offensive to American Indians or Native Americans (whatever). Please understand, we mean no offense. Much time and effort has gone into crafting just the right image for the Redskins logo. The character we portray is how we imagine the Noble Savage looked in the moment before white people killed his family, burned his home and stole his land. We have avoided stereotypes about drinking, scalping and silly dances. That would be offensive. We respect the Native American culture even though we understand it has been all but wiped out. But hey, water over the dam right?

I have spoken at length with the Washington team owner Dan Snyder and he's pretty adamant about keeping the name. There's a lot of wampum involved. Imagine if someone tried to make you change the name of the Foxwoods casino? I know, right? Seriously, Dan sells enough junk with that Indian on it to buy the reservations in six states. Don't worry, he's not going to do that. Hell, what would he do with a million acres of dust and a bunch of inebriated guys in flannel shirts? However, to show that it's not all about money (wink,wink) Dan is willing to offer team tryouts to any braves who can down enough steroids to bulk up and make the team. Can't ask any more than that, right?

Anyway, I'm afraid there will be no treaty (like that would matter) on the subject of a name change. With 70% of the country on our side it looks like, once again, you are out-numbered and SOL. The Redskins will remain the Redskins and you will remain a cartoon villain in old West comic books. Sorry chief.

Sincerely

Roger Goodell
Commissioner, NFL

ps. I have forwarded your letter to the Cleveland Indians and the Chicago Blackhawks. Good luck with that.
rg

So here it is. No one outside of the Native American community gives a rat's ass about offending Indians. Football fiends who think Crazy Horse finished forth in the Belmont Stakes will howl in protest if anyone tries to drag the NFL into the 21st Century. Remember, "Teach Ignorance" is the mantra of half the schools in the South and West. We are determined to use every opportunity to show the world that we may be the land of the free and the home of the brave but we are also the address of the assholes.

...or does the axiom "you can't fix stupid" have a corollary "but you should at least keep it to yourself'?

There's a reason why Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal thinks of the Grand Old Party as the stupid party. No, it's not because they continually lose elections. That's just the end result. It's not because all Republicans are stupid. Most aren't. It's because the "big picnic" that Republicans hope will attract voters of all races and beliefs has instead attracted an amazing collection of red ants, bedbugs, cuckoos and shit-house rats. No joke! All the crazies are camped under the red banner. Every day some fool steps forward and proudly announces to the world that Republicans are unworthy of your vote.

Sure, not every conservative worships at the feet of Rush Limbaugh but all the Rush Limbaughs are conservatives. All the ignorant, hate speech: all the insane talk of the American apocalypse emanates from one camp. Blue state politicians do dumb things but they don't talk as if science and learning were concepts to be feared and condemned. Interestingly enough, tea party leaders preach to their faithful as if those people were dim-witted children. Those congregants then go home, reflect on not just the preaching but the preachers and vote to reject those preachers. The Senate races in Indiana and Missouri in 2012 are only the most recent examples.

Now we move to Virginia and the governors race in 2013. The Old Dominion has gone for Obama in the last two elections but in races inside the state, they show much more red than blue. True, both U.S. Senators from Virginia are Democrats but the State Capitol, including the Governor is very much a GOP stronghold. Recent scandals regarding Governor McDonnell and his wife haven't stopped the steady flow of repressive, draconian legislation. (The State representatives of Virginia seem more interested in probing a woman's vagina than the finances of their ethically compromised governor).

Anyway, Virginia's governors cannot succeed themselves so the race is on for a new face in 2013. Democrats have chosen Terry McAuliffe, a functional candidate whose primary success to date is as a fundraiser for the Clintons. In his previous run for VA governor he couldn't beat a nobody named Creigh Deeds in a primary. The Republicans have thrown in with Ken Cuccinelli, the current State Attorney General who began running for governor a nano-second after taking the oath as AG. Known as Cuch  (People who couldn't stop Googling "Santorum" will hurt themselves laughing about "Cuch".) Cuccinelli is a screaming conservative Catholic who: 1) hates immigrants, 2) hates gays, 3) hates abortion, (big surprise) 4) loves guns,  and, of course 5) hates Obamacare. He apparently feels that if he can pander to the "old South" part of the state, he won't need any of the DC suburbs where all the smart people live.

The reason that Virginia's current election ties into a discussion of "Republican=Stupid" is the GOP choice for Lieutenant Governor, one E.W. Jackson. Reverend Jackson is a colorful politician in more ways than one. He is the founder and current president of S.T.A.N.D., a tortured acronym for Staying True To America's National Destiny. He is also head of the Exodus Faith Ministries (EFM doesn't have much of a ring, does it?) Still Jackson is that rarest of birds: a black conservative, right-wing nut job. Traditionally, Virginia's black conservatives could hold their caucus at a modest table at Denny's. (Guest speaker Hermann Cain).  Rev. Jackson will have no trouble being recognized at campaign events. He'll be the black man in the crowd who isn't serving hors d'oeuvres.

Mr. Jackson's uniqueness isn't limited to his race. Even among Republicans his views are, lets say, novel. Reverend Jackson is not your run-of-the-mill loony. He is a Harvard educated lawyer, an       ex-marine and a bishop in his church. It's amazing how many conservative crazies are Harvard grads: Ted Cruz, Antonin Scalia , David Vitter... the list goes on.  He was apparently chosen by a selection committee more worried about the color of his skin than the content of his character. Say what you will, Reverend Jackson is a character.

Among the newsworthy if cringe-inducing pronouncements from Rev. Jackson are:

"It is the principle of sin, rebellion against God and his truths which has brought about birth defects and other destructive natural occurrences."

"Planned Parenthood has done more to harm black people than the Ku Klux Klan."

"Homosexuals are perverted and very sick people."

In an blog  posting published in 2010 (Yeah, like you can believe anything in a blog!) Jackson wrote that Barack Obama "sees the world from a Muslim prospective".

Rev. Jackson has also attacked the heinous, godless practice of...yoga. In his book "Ten Commandments to an Extraordinary Life" the Rev. states that yoga meditation encourages participants to empty their minds. "Satan is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it". Nature may abhor a vacuum but Beelzebub wants to move right in. Rev. Jackson knows of what he speaks. Having emptied his mind of virtually all of the knowledge gained at Harvard, the evil influence of Conservatism just took up residence. This man needs a right wing exorcism. Paging Max Von Sydow!

Will someone please explain why Republicans feel the need to continuously trot out one bible thumping, gag-inducing, anti-intelligence, gasbag after another? When you add EW Jackson to Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Louie Gommert, Richard Mourdock, Todd Akin and a host of others, that's not a coincidence; that's a contagion. The GOP insists on mining a claim that is petering out by the hour. Smart conservatives look at E.W. Jackson and shake their heads in dismay. How does a black preacher, whose views are laughable (bordering on scary) help an already foundering candidate who might otherwise give the liberal opponent a run for his money? How can you make a case for your stance on the issues when the issue becomes your whack-job running mate? Conservatism used to be a serious political philosophy. Now it only serves to keep Jon Stuart, Stephen Colbert and Bill Maher in business.h

To paraphrase David Letterman, what can you make of a political party whose members think the birth certificate of the President is a fake but professional wrestling is real?


  

...or does the Buddha have it right... " Lack of action is action"?

So maybe it's time to talk about Islam.
As a forum that hues to the port side of the political spectrum, isitjustme is inclined to take a conciliatory stance when tempers run high. There is little satisfaction or justice to be had in the mass condemnation of any group or ethnicity. Harassing a Yemeni restaurant owner or protesting the construction of a mosque in Frankfort, KY hardly seems intelligent or fair. The vast majority of Muslims in America and in Europe want nothing more than to enjoy the benefits of living in a country where one's religion is no impediment to success or happiness.  Your Persian neighbor,  Pakistani doctor or Moroccan co-worker wishes only to be treated like the American citizen he or she has become. When we condemn a culture or religion, we rarely mean the people of that culture or religion who are known to us. Bigotry is harder to sustain when the oppressed has a name...

So, having established that we are all reasonable, intelligent, enlightened members of a modern, tolerant society, we are getting a bit fed up with Islam. The world is tired of the absurd justifications for senseless murder. Muslim sensibilities cannot be trotted out as the reason for car bombings, mass shootings, and airplane hijackings. Your beliefs are important to you but trivial to me. We cannot tolerate one more senseless death because some disenfranchised loser, whose inability to find happiness in the West results in his "striking a blow for Allah". Our society is not responsible for your poverty, or your isolation. Turning to jihaddist preachers for answers will not feed your family or put gas in your car. It will however, cause the rest of us to become radicalized against you and yours. (Please refer to the chapter in the Koran on self-fulfilling prophesy.)

The Crusaders killed thousands of Muslims. The Ottaman Turks killed tens of thousands of Christians. If we acknowledge that the world was a barbaric place in 1100 or 1360 or 1490 can we please move on? Empirical evidence would suggest that, if the West wanted to kill Muslims in 2013 we could certainly do a better job of it. Imagining that conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq are somehow religious in origin belies the facts that richer Islamic targets exist almost everywhere. But logic is rarely in play where Islam is concerned. No one should die over a movie. Tens of thousands should not take to the streets in multiple countries over a cartoon. Apoplectic  responses to book burnings will always seem to be an overreaction.

Still, logical or not, Islam has to start taking responsibility for itself.  If you want to live in France then you must do so as a Frenchman. We are beginning not to care that most Muslims are "normal folk" who just want to practice their religion in peace. If you attend a mosque where radicalism is preached, tolerated or even whispered and you don't call Homeland Security, you are not "normal folk". Your reaction to talk of violence at a mosque should be the same as if you heard it in the checkout line at Safeway. If you don't speak up you are a collaborator. If you put the misguided teaching of your religion before the security of your country you are a co-conspirator. Islam isn't being blamed for all the violence in the world but Islam is causing a lot of it, especially among civilians. We are starting not to care that you have grievances. You must find a better way to express them.

We must decide where to draw the line between culture and crime; between religious freedom and social welfare. No religious creed or custom can become a justification for cruelty or abuse of personal rights. Your Koran will not shield you from laws against abuse of women, honor killings or denial of basic liberties. The West is not inclined to invade Saudi Arabia in order to secure driving rights for women however we will not condone the abuse of women's rights  in any country or territory where Western laws prevail.  As Tom Friedman observes, the world is getting flat and standards for basic human conduct are becoming universal. We in the civilized world will not tolerate bad behavior, not on religious grounds but on moral grounds.

The Tsarnaev Brothers in Boston, Major Nidal Hasan (he of the Fort Hood shooting) and all of the other deranged murders in the last fifteen years have succeeded only in convincing Westerners that, even the worst religious bigots have a point. The Brits are about one step away from jailing everyone in the UK who prays to Mecca. After the horrific murder of an off-duty soldier last weekend, who can blame them? Holland, one of Europe's  most open countries, feels subsumed by Muslims who don't want to be Dutch. They want a Sharia state in the Netherlands. We want to be tolerant. We don't want to be stupid.

So here it is. If you want to be a Muslim in Germany or Greece or Cleveland fine but you must assimilate. Transition is difficult for any immigrant but the difficulty is usually worth it. Let your kids (especially the girls) go to local schools. Learn a little of the local language, not because you have to but because you want to. Get used to thinking of yourself as a Brit or a Swede. Respond to an incident in the Middle East as a citizen not a follower.

Practice your religion but keep it out of your politics. Imams who preach hate in Denmark or Poland are in little danger of being chosen as suicide bombers. Think for yourself. Understand that you are different and as such may be treated differently. No offence intended. Although you might well have been a victim in your old country, in this place you're just new. Impatience is not bigotry. Rudeness is not intolerance. The whole point of freedom is that you can be anything, so chose to be something good. You have a lot to offer so offer it. Remember, if being a Muslim in Kuwait or Syria was such a cool thing, why are you here? We in the West are only being shown one side of Islam. Please, show us something else or prepare to be treated the way you fear most.

...or do we all want to see Tiger and Sergio duke it out like the sharks and the jets?

Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia have been engaged in a hissy-fit pillow fight since they were paired in the third round of the Players Championship at Sawgrass on May 11. Note: if you're  not a golfer this next bit will both amaze and stupify. The incident that got the most recent dust-up started happened on the second hole. The two golfers were on opposite sides of the fairway. Sergio was away so he would hit first. To hear Sergio tell it, Tiger waited until Sergio was in his backswing, then pulled a wood from his bag. Because the crowd following Tiger expected to see an iron, they shouted their approval at the club selection. This sudden uproar caused Sergio to miss-hit his shot. Mr. Garcia contends that this show of  poor sportsmanship cost him the hole, the round and the championship. Tiger tells a different tale. Also the TV footage shows that, when the crowd erupted, Sergio had plenty of time to back off the shot. He chose to hit anyway.

Since the "Great Club-Choosing Controversy" (which Fox News labeled as "bigger than Watergate") Woods and Garcia have been sniping back and forth in every social media imaginable. A selection is even available on Pandora. Clearly, this must end. And so we can imagine that Tiger's agent and Sergio's agent arranged for a clandestine meeting between the two golfers. The scene: Butler Cabin on the grounds of Augusta National. Away from the cameras and armed only with a quart of tequila and a box of fine cigars, the two champions can finally settle their differences. Let's listen:

Tiger: Well Sergio, I don't know why it took us this long to get together. We play in a lot of the same tournaments. Of course, it's tough to arrange a meeting when you're leaving the course on Friday night and I'm there until Sunday. Have a drink?

Sergio: Thanks Tiger, don't mind if I do. We should be amigos. After all we both have the same number of endorsement deals...which is none. In my case it's because, during a four day tournament, I'm guaranteed to blow up like the Hindenburg. For you it's because your love life has made you as toxic as a Chernobyl swimming pool. Nike only held on because your name was on more shit than Donald Trump. Let me pour you a drink.

Tiger: Yeah, you're right. After all, between us we have amassed fourteen Major Championships and ten PGA Player of the Year awards. Of course none of those were yours but hey, your career's not over..is it?

Sergio:  Not by a long shot. And speaking of long shots you really hosed me on #2 at Sawgrass. I'm lucky I even hit the ball.

Tiger: Yeah sorry about that. But seriously if you could manage to hit a drive past the women's tees once in a while, you wouldn't have to hit first in the fairway. Jesus, my girlfriend Lindsey Vonn can hit it farther than you with a ski pole. Have another blast of this most excellent tequila.

Sergio: Don't mind if I do. So you admit you excited the crowd on purpose to screw up my shot?

Tiger: Shit yeah! You fold up like a cheap suit at the slightest distraction. Oh and by the way, as long as we're coming clean, I sort of bribed your caddy to replace your ball on #17 with a whiffle ball. You couldn't have gotten that shot over the water with a howitzer.

Sergio: Well as long as we're telling secrets, remember Thanksgiving night in 2009? When you fought with your wife and drove your Caddy (the car not the bag-carrier) into a hydrant?

Tiger: It would be hard to forget, why?

Sergio: Well the reason you lost control of the car might be because I disconnected the steering column from the wheels. Wow, when you hit that hydrant, water shooting everywhere, I about wet my $600 Bobby Jones pants. Have another drink.

Tiger: Cute Sergio. I suppose you'll tell me next that it was you who called my wife about my boning all those waitresses.

Sergio: Better than that. Two of those bimbos were my cousins. Not all the hookers in my family are golfers. Another drink mi amigo?

Tiger:  You bet. Jesus, this is a lot to process. I certainly feel a bit better about some of the dirty tricks that I've played on you over the years.

Sergio: Like what?

Tiger: Well, remember the time you were held at customs in Orlando? That might be because someone called INS and reported that a "little Mexican carrying golf balls full of cocaine" was landing from Asia.

Sergio: But I'm from Madrid.

Tiger: Yeah tomatoes, tomaatos. You all look alike to an $11.00 an hour high school grad in a uniform. They held you for a day and a half as I recall.

Sergio: That's terrible. What else?

Tiger: Oh yeah, remember when you were dating Greg Norman's daughter Morgan-Leigh? Well I heard that someone told her you were gay. It was easy to convince her. After all you did go out with Martina Hingis the tennis player. Women's tennis has more lesbians that the will-call line at the Lilith Fair.

Sergio: Oh yeah! Well the next time that your ex wife lets you near your two kids, take a real good look. That's right Nike-boy, Sam and Charlie might as well be named Sergio Uno and Sergio Dos. That's not African American you're looking at. It's pure Castilian. It seemed that Elin preferred a bit of chorizo to that half-Asian spring roll you've been showing to every truck stop waitress and checkout clerk at Walmart. How did she put it "Tiger may have a great short game but his driver was strictly from limpsville."

Tiger: At least I have a wife paella-face. Word around the clubhouse is that you're hitting from both sides of the ball. You've been wearing pink knickers for years and telling anyone who asked that it was for breast cancer awareness. I heard that, in Spain, the sound of your zipper frightened the sheep across three counties.

Sergio: That's an ugly rumor started by Seve Ballesteros  because I wouldn't let him date my sister.
Anyway the important thing is that all that animosity is behind us.  We should make a deal: no more tweets or Facebook posting about each other.

Tiger: Are you sure that's what you want? If it wasn't for me, you'd be washing golf carts at some muni course in Barcelona. Our "feud" is the only thing keeping you in the golf conversation. Are you going to finish that last swallow of tequila?

Sergio: No you take it. Maybe you're right. Your cheap shots at me are the only thing that proves to fans that you weren't manufactured in some mocha golf factory. Face it! Most of the time you exhibit the personality of a bag of tees. It least regarding me you appear human...if a bit churlish. I guess we need each other. By the way, I drank a little too much of that tequila. I can't move my legs.

Tiger: Me neither. I guess we'll have to stay here a while. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I poured honey in Phil Michelson's golf bag? Well it was really hot and...

... or are there more things in heaven and earth Heratio, than are dreamt of on Fox News?

Stuff that was zigging while you were zagging:

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A quick check of the "who gives a shit" meter reveals that American Idol has fired all of its "celebrity"  judges. Pity. Now Keith Urban will have to go back to something he's good at, like getting coffee for his actually talented wife, Nicole Kidman.  The rest can wander in "C" list purgatory wishing in vain that Hollywood Squares was still in business.

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A recent article in the paper (yes, Virginia, they still print them) mentioned Muslim fundamentalist trouble in the African country of Nigeria. Nothing to see here. Muslim troubles are as prevalent as cicadas in June ...and just as ugly. Anyway, of note in the article was the President of Nigeria whose name is Goodluck Jonathan. Considering the scarred history of Nigeria, the President's name seems more of a interjection than a proper noun. "Lotsaluck" Jonathan might have worked better. One imagines his successor will be Outaluck Harry or Yournotserious Cooper. Stay tuned for updates.

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In the "Oh no he didn't" file we have a movie theater manager who hired an actor to dress in tactical gear and weaponry and storm his theater during a screening of Iron Man 3. The manager, Bob Wilkins of  Jefferson City, MO who apparently hasn't been keeping up with the mass shootings in Colorado, Massachusetts, etc, said "we had planned it for months and many were entertained". The fact that many were scared shitless has eluded Mr. Wilkins and his bosses. The theater has posted an apology on its Facebook Page. Whether they offered to reimburse patrons for severely soiled skivvies wasn't mentioned.
Which brings us to a related topic, namely:

Since when is an apology on your stupid Facebook page the "get out of jail free" card for every and any transgression?  "Yes your honor. I know I scared the bejeebes out of hundreds of people and caused an attack of PTSD in one veteran (true) but after all, I apologized on Facebook." Justice will involve Facebook postings only on the day that said posting includes a photo of the offender, nude, holding a sign that reads "Please re-post this picture of the most clueless, insensitive jerk in Western America to all of your friends."

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Pope Francis, the first of that name, has ensured his place in the Guinness Book of World Records. Not content to create saints the old fashioned way, one at a time, Pope Francis is doing it by the batch. The Pontiff has canonized an entire 800 person town. No not Las Vegas. It seems that back in 1480 the town of Otranto, on the heel of the Italian boot, was invaded by the Ottoman Turks. They were on their way to Rome, but Otranto looked like a good place to stop for gas. Anyway, the Turkish admiral, Gedik Ahmet Pasa, offered the locals the option of becoming Muslims or becoming headless. Curiously, the citizenry chose the later. ( A stranger, happening on the gruesome scene the next day was heard to holler, "Que Pasa!"). Being without their heads it was impossible to compare dental records and the Vatican was forced to canonize the whole town, if somewhat posthumously. If praying to one saint can prompt miracles, imagine what praying to a town-full will accomplish. Goodbye cancer.

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OK please tell me why everyone from Macao to Beijing is laughing themselves sick over this beautiful erection  edifice. The new headquarters of the newspaper The Peoples Daily, the Communist Party's main



propaganda machine stands proudly in downtown Beijing. The scaffolding at the tip top is a fitting reminder of how China views its place in the world, namely as a giant prick beacon. As the principal organ disseminater of Communist Party factspeak, the People's Daily has chosen this giant shaft as the symbol of the Party's committment to the people of the country.  Bravo, China. You in the back, stop snickering.

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And, as long as we're doing architectural critique, can anyone tell me what this is:

Your choices are:

1) A Klaus von Oldenburg sculpture outside the National Poultry Museum

2) The architectural answer to the philosophical question as to which came first.

3) The new basketball home for the Portland Pullets.

4) The early rendering of a statue of Karl Rove's head.

 

Wrong! Actually it is the model of the planned renovation of the Hirschhorn Museum of Sculpture in Washington DC. Known as the Bubble (catchy, eh?), the $15.5 million addition can be inflated for special events; such as accommodating Bill O'Reilly's ego. The board of directors of the museum are at odds over whether the Bubble is a good idea. The city fathers of Washington get it right most of the time (the WWII memorial and  Martin Luthor King statue being the most recent sucesses). The Hirshhorn is part of the Smithsonian complex so the decision will be a big deal. Other government agencies have offered to help with ideas. The Defense Dept. has suggested that the Bubble could be used to store the country's supply of helium. CIA wants to install a device that will x-ray the contents of tourist's fanny packs. Oddly, the Dept of Agriculture has been silent. How very egg-estential!

...or should elections be nullified if the combined IQ of the electorate totals less than three digits?

Was there ever anything more predictable than an election in South Carolina? The state that gave us such memorable treasures as the Civil War, Strom Thurmond and Bob Jones University has continued to provide to the world a sterling example of what happens when the inmates are allowed to vote on who runs the asylum. SC is a fortune teller's delight. Predicting the outcome of any election in South Carolina is easy; merely identify the rational, reasonable candidate with a briefcase full of integrity and a clear plan for the future... then pick the other guy.

Never was this localized mental illness more on display than in Tuesday's Congressional election to fill the seat of Tim Scot (R) who was tapped by Gov. Nikki Haley (R) to fill the Senate post left vacant by Jim DeMint (R). DeMint retired from the Senate to assume the leadership of the Heritage Foundation, a Washington think tank that hasn't had a non-conservative thought since candy bars were a nickel . And so the dominoes fall. Anyway, South Carolina law requires a special election in the case of a Congressional vacancy. Enter Mark Sanford: former governor of the state, former Congressman from South Carolina's 1st District. Also former disgraced governor, former almost impeached governor, and former and current philandering governor. (Believe me, if I could add anything to the Appalachian Trail jokes I would. Sadly that well is as dry as the one for Anthony Weiner. Well, maybe not. How about "If I'd known that the Appalachian trail led directly to the bedroom of some sizzling senorita, I'd have bought hiking boots years ago." OK I'm done. )

Sanford, having escaped criminal charges for his use of state funds to follow his heart (and his johnson) to Buenos Aries, was free to attempt a redemptive run for his old seat. Sanford was counting on two factors in the election: 1) In a fractured field of 16 candidates in the Republican primary, the goobers of his district would likely vote for the only name they could identify (or maybe spell) and, 2) once nominated, the good people of SC would vote for Dzokhar Tsarnaev before they'd elect any Democrat. And what do you know, he was right. Fifty-four percent of the electorate in the first district went to the polls and proudly declared that that would love to be represented by a family values candidate who used their tax dollars to start a new family. The fact that his old family was still in residence mattered not a whit. Hey, let he who is without sin...
Conveniently, Sanford was aided by the weak opposition on the Democratic side. His opponent was Elizabeth Colbert Busch whose brother Stephen hosts a popular anti-asshat TV show on Comedy Central. It is unlikely that Colbert's comedy was a factor in the race because his show competes for southern viewers with Bridezilla on Bravo and Roadkill Recipes on the Food Network. In any event no one south of Richmond understands satire anyway.
South Carolina proudly lists its official language as English. Interestingly, anyone who has asked directions from a South Carolina gas station attendant has reason to take issue with that proclamation. In any event the English words that have clearly eluded South Carolinians include: fraud, adultery, malfeasance in office, charlatan (that should have been easy. It sounds like Charleston.) and best of all hypocrite. Seriously Mark, you  won the election. You proved that Abe Lincoln was right about fooling some of the people all of the time. You reminded America that you can't spell "nonsensical" without SC. However please, please don't tell us that God forgave you. God doesn't have that strong a stomach. God would have not have suggested that Sanford bring his Argentinian hot tomato to his victory speech. Mark, you were elected by a collection of extremist conservatives who went to the polls, put down their guns and bibles, held their noses and pulled a lever for the not-Democrat. Congratulations Mark but remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

...or is stupid not only incurable but untreatable?

Paging Governor Jindal.

The man who suggested that Republicans stop treating stupidity as though it were an elective at Liberty University, must be hiding in the swamps of Louisiana. The following tidbits have been gleaned from the media in just the last few weeks. Please understand that I'm not making this stuff up. Actually you couldn't make this stuff up. Tragically, Americans are electing these people to make their laws.  I wouldn't let these guys make me a gin and tonic.

Our first candidate for the "you couldn't be this dumb" award (also known as the Todd Akin Asshat Trophy) is Stacy Campfield, Republican member of the Tennessee Senate. In a recent interview with Sirius radio's Michelangelo Signorile, State Senator Campfield told the world "Most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community. It was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall. My understanding is that it's virtually - not completely but virtually impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex." There's more but I'm getting light headed.  Mr. Campfield may have set the modern record for having crammed the most misinformation, hateful lies and just plain bullshit into just four sentences. Note: The former record holder was Dick Cheney in his discussion of the Iraq War.

Brother Stacy's "humping the chimps" theory is the natural outgrowth of a lifetime of gay-bashing. He has introduced countless anti-gay measures before both houses of the Tennessee legislature. He is famous for his "don't say gay" laws which forbid the mention of homosexuality in public schools. He has proposed that students' questions regarding gays be answered only privately by teachers and then reported to the student's parents. (If the teachers in Tennessee are as poorly informed as Mr. Campfield, perhaps they should avoid the subject altogether.) Campfield is a product of Regents College, whose mascot is a caveman riding a tyrannosaurus rex. These people think the Flintstones is a documentary. (Thank you, Louis Black.) Mr. Campfield apparently thinks that the Almighty put him on the earth to smite the mo's. Nevertheless, I'll eat my computer if old Stacy doesn't have a few silk kimonos tucked away in his closet. Guys who yell this loud are positively hiding a drawer full of satin thongs.  Don't get in an accident, Senator Campfield.

Next on our dais is the Republican National Committee, fresh from their spring meeting in Los Angeles. The RNC met in LA so that they could spend a few days trying to peddle their message to the Hollywood crowd. As you may have noticed, the ranks of celebrities who support the GOP is a bit thin on the ground. Aside from stand-up comedians Dennis Miller and Clint Eastwood, the majority of the film industry heavies lean more to the left. Thus far the effort has been disappointing. Converts thusfar include the "Can you hear me now?" guy from the Verizon ads and two of the chorus boys from the "Springtime For Hitler" number in The Producers.

Perhaps the effort to woo the movie folk would be more successful if the RNC didn't insist on the circular firing squad approach to social policy. During their recent meeting they bravely passed a resolution reaffirming their commitment to the definition of marriage as a union between a man and a woman. WOW! talk about a bold step to broaden the base. Who says the RNC is a bunch of crabby old white men? These guys are visionaries. They might even be ready to repeal prohibition, or condemn segregation.

This isn't your father's Republican Party. It's more like your great grandfather's Republican Party. Why would a political organization, especially one with calcification issues, take a wholly unnecessary position on an issue clearly trending in the other direction? The Committee was apparently frightened by social conservatives who threatened to abandon the Party if  the members showed any softening on this issue. (The conservatives contacted the RNC using their rotary-dial phones and parchment stationary. None of that new-fangled tech stuff for them.)

The RNC was sufficiently impressed by the threat that they produced not one but three resolutions on the subject: They reaffirmed the RNC's support for heterosexual marriage; they then urged the Supreme Court to uphold the federal Defense of Marriage Act and Proposition 8, California's homophobic gay marriage ban; (Fortunately, this petition is expected to have the same effect as petitioning the moon to orbit the earth more quickly.); and finally they reconfirmed the "core values" of their 2012 platform that served Mitt Romney so well. This last resolution was championed by Michigan's Dave Agema. Dave caused a stir when he posted a note on his Facebook page referencing the "filthy lifestyle of homosexuals. I can't decide which is more shocking: that this asshat has a Facebook page or that he knows any homosexuals at all let alone filthy ones. All the gays I know are fanatical neat freaks.

Who says you can't polish a turd? The RNC is proving that the best way forward is to go backward. You have to admire rats swimming toward a sinking ship. There's a lot less traffic going in their direction. Still it's difficult to understand how the Republicans expect to win the political races in 2014 and 2016 if they insist on shooting themselves in the foot with the starter's pistol.  Their original mantra of low taxes and small government still has appeal. However, if you insist on shovelling manure on your message in the hope that it will grow, don't be surprised if the smell drives potential converts away. Remember, the Obama-haters will be neutralize in 2016 and those old white men that make up your base are leaving with greater and greater frequency to join a new group, namely the choir invisible (aka, the dead).  Note to Rance Priebus: resolutions in defence of marriage don't make you look principled... they make you look ossified...sort of like Clint Eastwood.

And finally, what listing of dumb Republicans would be complete without a word or two from East Texas? That delightful slice of America that brought you Louie Gomert has also contributed Steve Stockman. Determined to look every bit as clueless as his brother East Texas Republicans, Steve has authored a new bumper sticker, to wit, "If babies had guns they wouldn't be aborted". Pretty hard to argue with that logic. It is expected that the Congressman will receive considerable campaign contributions from the "Firearms For Fetuses" organization and the unborn wing of the NRA. Mr. Stockman has not made it clear exactly how he plans to smuggle weapons into America's wombs but the guns will need to be really small. Seriously, is there the slightest chance that Mexico would consider annexing East Texas? We could promise to take the drug cartels. I honestly believe they would do less harm.

...or will the continuing discussion of guns and gun control cause many people to use one on themselves?

Anyone remember attending a business meeting in say, 1977? What do you remember? Well, it was mostly men and, eight out of ten were smoking. And God help the prig in the room who suggested that those eight smokers put the smokes out. Smoking was as much a part of the culture as martinis at lunch and gas-guzzling cars. Smoking was permitted everywhere: in stores, banks, phone booths even in hospitals. All of our heroes smoked. James Bond liked Turkish cigs. Johnny Carson smoked on the Tonight Show. The point is that smoking was as ingrained in the American way of life as television and cell phones are today. So how did that change? It changed slowly and culturally.

So now let's talk about guns.

First we should clear away some of the silly rhetoric associated with this issue:

1) "Laws won't stop mass killings like Sandy Hook" True but irrelevant. Gun laws like mandatory background checks and assault weapons bans will have no effect on criminal behavior or the irrational acts of the mentally disturbed. Those laws might, however, make it just a little bit harder for crazies to kill people. So where's the harm?

2) "The Second Amendment is clear and absolute regarding gun ownership."  Hogwash. There are exceptions and modifications to all of the Constitutional Amendments. You have free speech but you can't yell "fire" in a crowded theater. You have press freedom but child pornography is illegal.  Ask George W. Bush how he feels about the rules on search and seizure having signed and implemented the Patriot Act. We interpret the Bill of Rights for good or ill all the time and those interpretations inform our understanding of Constitutional amendments.

3) "Law abiding citizens own the majority of guns and they shouldn't have their rights interfered with in any way."  Nonsense. We interfere with "law-abiding citizens" all the time. (BTW,  please ask the NRA to stop referring to gun owning "law-abiding citizens" like they were oppressed saints. Owning a gun lawfully does not confer some sort of knighthood.)  You need a driver's license and insurance to operate a motor vehicle. In many states you must wear a helmet to drive a motorcycle. Seatbelts are mandatory. Hunting and fishing licenses are needed in many areas to hunt and fish. The idea that a gun is sacrosanct and should therefore be restriction-free is misguided and perverse.

4) "Gun laws will not stop criminals from obtaining and using guns"  True but who cares? Criminals will always be able to get guns in the same way that drug users will find ways to get drugs. We should not be concerned about the victims of crime so much as we should be concerned about the victims of accidents and suicides. Forget Sandy Hook. Forget Aurora, Colorado. How many children are killed each year in accidental shootings and how many would it take before the NRA stopped posturing? How many suicides would be prevented if the tortured souls, bent on self destruction had tried to kill themselves with a less guaranteed method? Now weigh these tragedies against the supposed inconvenience of  gun-owning citizens.

5) "Guns in your house will make you safer"  Really?  For every one time a gun is used in home defence there are: 7 assaults or murders, 11 suicide attempts and 4 accidents involving guns in or around the home.

Guns kill because guns are handy; not to muggers or burglars but to despondent fathers who kill their families. They're available to troubled teenagers who are tired of being bullied; to jilted lovers with "no reason to live". How many thousands of lives would have been spared if there wasn't a gun available to settle a dispute, express a rage or permanently stop an unbearable anguish? Guns kill children because, when found in the home, they present the same fascination as matches.  And comparing guns to knifes or hammers as potential deadly weapons is ludicrous. Guns are a single purpose tool. They exist only to kill.

N.B. While I was writing this, a six year old in New Jersey died after being shot by a four-year-old on Tuesday. Are you listening Mr. LaPierre?

Whatever perverse genome exists in American DNA  (no other culture or nationality seems to have it) must be identified and modified. We must begin to treat gun ownership as out of the main stream. The question "why would you own a gun?" must carry the same social disapproval as asking "why would you still smoke?" or "Why are you so quick to slap your child?" We don't want to take away your "right" to own a gun, only your desire.  A person wearing a pistol into a bar in Fort Worth should be subject to ridicule (but perhaps with a bit of circumspection). A proponent of personal armories in their basements should be viewed with the same derision as someone hoarding Twinkies.  Virtually all of the civilized world views America's obsession with guns as aberrant behavior. Why don't we?

You know in your heart that, confronted with a mugger or a burglar you are not going to shoot your way out. You're just not. A few hours of training will not qualify you to do anything more than put up your hands and allow the thief to steal and sell another gun...yours.  A woman in Ft. Worth shot and killed an intruder who, as it turns out, was at the wrong house. Perfectly legal except one man, 29 years old, is dead and one woman will have to live with the shooting on her conscience. Had she been unarmed she would have suffered no more than a serious scare and the intruder might have spent a few hours in a cell.  This probably wouldn't have happened in Italy or Poland or Japan. If we don't abandon the gunfighter, macho, frontiersman notion that gun ownership equals home security, we will continue to kills thousands every year almost all, unnecessarily. Guns don't kill people, stupid, myopic, misguided gun-rights nuts kill people...and they kill a lot of them.