Have you ever met a germophobe? You know, one of those people who sprays their office phone with Lysol every morning in case the cleaning staff touched it. People who line the toilet seat with tissue to avoid actual contact with the plastic. Folks who are never more than two feet from a bottle of Purel. Admit it; don't you snicker a little when one of these people gets a cold?
Welcome to America 2010. We hate government. We hate government healthcare...except Medicare. We hate government handouts...except Social Security. However, on the subject of air travel, we have devolved into a country that virtually demands the government make each and every citizen 100% safe. A citizenry that decries government involvement in almost everything storms the halls of Congress the first time they perceive a threat. Some have suggested that President Obama cancel his vacation and rush back to Washington. To do what exactly? Inspect bags at Dulles? We are a country held hostage by guys with exploding shoes and incendiary BVD's. For God's sake America...man up!
We need to accept a few facts.
First, we will never be completely safe. Not on an airplane, not in a train, not in a bus and certainly not in a car. Malls and theaters will always be targets. As the most recent occupants of the White House have acknowledged, there is evil in the world. There are people out there who mean us harm. Your government has made and will continue to make, a good faith effort to minimize the risk. That does not mean that everyone who has evil intent will be captured or thwarted. Some will succeed. Gaps in security will be exploited. Government security must be everywhere all the time. A terrorist only has to be in one place and he need only succeed once.
The ham-handed response of Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano notwithstanding, the system worked. The "system" in this case being a watchful passenger. In the case of shoe bomber Richard Reid it was an vigilant flight attendant. We can continue to develop new and better security devices to install at airports but people will ultimately determine whether a plane or a train arrives safely. People who take responsibility for themselves. You are your own best and last security device.
Second, profiling and increasingly invasive security measures are completely acceptable. Remind yourself that flying is a privilege not a divine right. If you are Middle Eastern we apologize for the inconvenience. Sadly, you share many of the characteristics of those who are continually trying to incinerate our transportation system. We will continue to single you out for special consideration. Complain to your congressman. Write a letter to the New York Times. We are sorry that you were born in Bayonne but are being treated like someone from Baghdad. Get over it! The system is trying to protect you also.
If you think that x-ray screening is too invasive, take the bus. If you are offended by being poked, prodded and peered at by TSA employees, tough! As long as there are villains among us you will have to endure the unpleasant prospect of some government functionary leering at you through your Fruit of the Looms. Trust me, they don't like it any more than you do.
Third, no-fly lists will forever be a hit or miss proposition. They depend on considerable global cooperation and, based on the track record of our own FBI/CIA for info-sharing, you should not be optimistic. Blame-gaming about who or what government agency should have informed what other government agency is disingenuous and counterproductive. When the no-fly list is topping out at 500,000 people and false documents are easier to come by than Springsteen tickets, mistakes will be made.
Fourth, we really are safer than we have ever been. The global cooperation among governments and the advances in screening technology have reduced would-be bombers to flammable Nikes and explosive knickers. If they weren't so dangerous they would be comic. The task of keeping the world's craziest zealots from exploding their hats on aircraft or dousing themselves with anthrax-laced talcum powder and attending a Broadway show is beyond formidable; it's herculean. The only success our enemies have seen since 9-11 has been the delight of watching 300 million Americans soil themselves every time someone mentions al qaeda. (Dick Cheney has started wearing Depends.) They're evil and despicable but they're not super human. They may not even be super smart. They have however, figured out how to scare the hell out of the American exceptionalists. Be cautious don't be frightened. Any country that can survive the threat of Vice President Sarah Palin can tolerate a patdown at O'Hare.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
...or is a political payoff called pork for a reason?
There's an old adage that the two things you never want to see created are sausage and legislation. That adage was never more true then now, as we watch with horror and awe at the current kielbasa of healthcare legislation being cooked by the 111th Congress. Even the most ardent policy wonks find their eyes glazing over at the mention of public options, single payers and medicare for all. Most of us would be delighted if we lived out our years without ever again hearing the dulcet tones of Chuck Grassley, Olympia Snowe or especially Joe Lieberman. Lieberman should vote for healtthcare if only so he can afford the surgery to repair his vocal chords. Would that they all returned to the purgatory that is C-SPAN.
There may , however, be a silver lining in this laborious legislative cloud. I am hard pressed to recall a time when the legislative process was so public and transparent. Seriously, how many people know how their Senators voted on the "Medicare Part D" bill? (I'll save you a trip to Google. Medicare Part D was the Medicare drug benefit passed in 2003.) Who knows or cares how Hillary Clinton voted on the bank bailout? Love it or hate it, the legislative wrangling on healthcare has been the most public debate in this country since the Constitution was ratified in 1789. One suspects that if cable news were operating in 1789, the ratification might still be in doubt.
Imagine if we could have garnered this much activity during the run-up to the invasion of Iraq. Imagine if we had demanded months of debate . Imagine if the Bush Administration had been required to explain and defend their dissembling and misdirection regarding WMD and Saddam's affiliation with Al-Qaeda. America allowed the Bush White House to use 9-11 as a club to force a wasteful and unnecessary war. Given a choice between the bratwurst production that is healthcare reform and the patriotic misdirection of the Bush cartel, I'll take the brat. If deliberation could have saved 4,300 American lives, what sane person would opt for haste?
At least with the healthcare debate we know where everyone stands. We know how many pieces of silver are demanded by both allies and enemies. All of the dirty deals and back-room bargains that are hidden from public view most of the time but are part of every serious piece of legislation have been made public this time. We all know what Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas was paid in return for her support. (George Bernard Shaw was right. We always knew what you were. We were only haggling over the price.) The public process has revealed how absurd Ben Nelson sounds in a desperate effort to somehow make healthcare a referendum on abortion. The entire country has been treated to the obstructionist tactics of the Republications who have introduced no alternatives, no amendments and have tried everything short of pulling the fire alarm to stop the legislative process. By the way, have you ever noticed that "earmark" is only used in the third person such as "your earmark". In the first person it sounds more like "my vital addition to your bill".
We have also been privileged to watch a White House that understands when to speak and when to shut up. There was never going to be an opportunity for Barack Obama to force any aspect of the healthcare bill down the throats of the Senate Democrats. The President knew that the bill would see more changes than the pediatric ward at Presbyterian St. Luke's. For the administration to hang its reputation on any one aspect of the law would have been foolish. If that one provision had been compromised out, the President looks defeated even if the bill ultimately survives.
The President wants a healthcare bill that will provide more citizens with better coverage than they currently have. If the liberals hate it and the conservatives hate it and even the moderates are tepid, you probably have a law that will work. At least you have a law that you can pass. The country is learning that, even with 60 Senators on your team, no bill is a slam dunk. The term "herding cats" comes to mind. The Administration has done a masterful job of allowing the process to run its course.
It appears that the final, final, final healthcare bill will come up for a vote shortly after Christmas. (If there is a God, the vote will take place on Jan 6 the feast of the Epiphany.) For whatever compromises and amendments are involved, it will be an historic achievement. Of equal significance will be the level of participation by the electorate. From the moronic teabaggers of the summer to the various defections of the liberals in the fall, no legislative issue has generated as much interest or as much action. This is reality television we can believe in.
There may , however, be a silver lining in this laborious legislative cloud. I am hard pressed to recall a time when the legislative process was so public and transparent. Seriously, how many people know how their Senators voted on the "Medicare Part D" bill? (I'll save you a trip to Google. Medicare Part D was the Medicare drug benefit passed in 2003.) Who knows or cares how Hillary Clinton voted on the bank bailout? Love it or hate it, the legislative wrangling on healthcare has been the most public debate in this country since the Constitution was ratified in 1789. One suspects that if cable news were operating in 1789, the ratification might still be in doubt.
Imagine if we could have garnered this much activity during the run-up to the invasion of Iraq. Imagine if we had demanded months of debate . Imagine if the Bush Administration had been required to explain and defend their dissembling and misdirection regarding WMD and Saddam's affiliation with Al-Qaeda. America allowed the Bush White House to use 9-11 as a club to force a wasteful and unnecessary war. Given a choice between the bratwurst production that is healthcare reform and the patriotic misdirection of the Bush cartel, I'll take the brat. If deliberation could have saved 4,300 American lives, what sane person would opt for haste?
At least with the healthcare debate we know where everyone stands. We know how many pieces of silver are demanded by both allies and enemies. All of the dirty deals and back-room bargains that are hidden from public view most of the time but are part of every serious piece of legislation have been made public this time. We all know what Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas was paid in return for her support. (George Bernard Shaw was right. We always knew what you were. We were only haggling over the price.) The public process has revealed how absurd Ben Nelson sounds in a desperate effort to somehow make healthcare a referendum on abortion. The entire country has been treated to the obstructionist tactics of the Republications who have introduced no alternatives, no amendments and have tried everything short of pulling the fire alarm to stop the legislative process. By the way, have you ever noticed that "earmark" is only used in the third person such as "your earmark". In the first person it sounds more like "my vital addition to your bill".
We have also been privileged to watch a White House that understands when to speak and when to shut up. There was never going to be an opportunity for Barack Obama to force any aspect of the healthcare bill down the throats of the Senate Democrats. The President knew that the bill would see more changes than the pediatric ward at Presbyterian St. Luke's. For the administration to hang its reputation on any one aspect of the law would have been foolish. If that one provision had been compromised out, the President looks defeated even if the bill ultimately survives.
The President wants a healthcare bill that will provide more citizens with better coverage than they currently have. If the liberals hate it and the conservatives hate it and even the moderates are tepid, you probably have a law that will work. At least you have a law that you can pass. The country is learning that, even with 60 Senators on your team, no bill is a slam dunk. The term "herding cats" comes to mind. The Administration has done a masterful job of allowing the process to run its course.
It appears that the final, final, final healthcare bill will come up for a vote shortly after Christmas. (If there is a God, the vote will take place on Jan 6 the feast of the Epiphany.) For whatever compromises and amendments are involved, it will be an historic achievement. Of equal significance will be the level of participation by the electorate. From the moronic teabaggers of the summer to the various defections of the liberals in the fall, no legislative issue has generated as much interest or as much action. This is reality television we can believe in.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
...or is the best thing about Dec. 26 the internment of reindeer sweaters?
There are no slow news days, just lazy bloggers.
Item
The City Council of the District of Columbia has approved an ordinance permitting gay couples to marry in the Nation's Capital. Mayor Adrian Fenty is expected to sign the legislation. Unfortunately, City government in Washington exists along the lines of children mounting a play in the backyard. They have free reign provided no one's parents object. The parents, in this case, come in the form of the U.S. Congress. The House and Senate have 30 days to object. While this appears unlikely, one never knows. Even in a city founded on aberrant behavior, gay marriage might be one toke over the line.
The gay marriage ordinance is being hailed as a boon to tourism. Apparently the Washington Monument and the Capital weren't enough of a draw. The city is anticipating 10,000 gay marriages in the first three years. That's 20,000 people who will come for something besides the Spy Museum and the Barack Obama car air fresheners.
Nevertheless, this is a civil rights issue and it is perfectly proper that the city that hosted Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech should outlaw discrimination wherever it exists. Bravo!
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Senator Joseph Lieberman, Irritating Senator from Connecticut, has crafted a new meaning to "going rogue". Determined to singlehandedly sink America's best hope of real healthcare reform, Joe has forgotten MASH's Frank Burns who opined, "Individuality is fine as long as we all do it together." Fifty-nine senators, all of them Democrats, have seen their way to approving the current legislation. Lieberman sees it differently. We would not want to speculate that the Connecticut insurance lobby has Old Joe by his circumcised johnson but let's be real here. Why would any senator who professes to be a social liberal, want to block a bill that will protect the health of millions? The Obama Administration has proposed allowing Maine to annex Connecticut in return for Olimpia Snowe's vote. Unfortunately, Senator Snowe opposes any deal that makes Joe Lieberman a citizen of Maine. Smart lady!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
The death of Oral Roberts at 91 created an interesting conundrum for newspapers. Roberts was a dominant figure in televangelism. His passing demands ink. The trick is to be gracious without being patronizing. In a effort to appear fair, The Washington Post ran several columns on the life and times of Reverend Roberts. They studiously avoided words like, charlatan, huckster, fraud and pseudo-holy man who got really rich by conning the old and gullible. They neglected to mention the hubris of a man so fond of his own name that he put it on a university.
Roberts was a preacher in the Elmer Gantry mode. He railed against dancing and circuses (curious, considering his TV show). He was however, not opposed to the worship of the Almighty Dollar. At the height of his con Roberts was raking in over $100 million a year. Not bad for a poor farmer's son from Bebee, Oklahoma. Anyway, he's with his maker now (or at least his money-maker). I'm thinking that Roberts lived to be 91 because the Lord wasn't that anxious to have him all that close. I trust Reverend Roberts and L. Ron Hubbard will be happy together sharing that great pulpit in the sky.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
After the longest airline delay in recorded history, Boeing has finally begun flight testing the 787 Dreamliner in Everett, Washington. Customers have been waiting for two years while Boeing contended with parts issues, strikes and the painfully slow delivery of those little bags of pretzels. Among it's wonderful new features, the 787 boasts the largest windows in commercial aviation. Frequent flyers will enjoy a breathtaking view of the tarmac as they wait for hours on delayed aircraft. Welcome aboard!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
A group of Native Americans (Indians to you, the unenlightened) is suing the University of North Dakota to require the school to retain the name " The Fighting Sioux". The university had planned to retire the name which is offensive to some of our Native American brothers. Good luck picking a winner in this one. UND has spent years in debate over the school mascot and, having reached this decision, seems unlikely to reverse itself now. Alternative names have been suggested including: "The Peaceful Sioux", "The 'We're Willing To Sign Another Treaty' Sioux" or even "The Boys Named Sioux". One thing is clear. Whatever deal was made with the tribe, I hope they got it in writing.
Item
The City Council of the District of Columbia has approved an ordinance permitting gay couples to marry in the Nation's Capital. Mayor Adrian Fenty is expected to sign the legislation. Unfortunately, City government in Washington exists along the lines of children mounting a play in the backyard. They have free reign provided no one's parents object. The parents, in this case, come in the form of the U.S. Congress. The House and Senate have 30 days to object. While this appears unlikely, one never knows. Even in a city founded on aberrant behavior, gay marriage might be one toke over the line.
The gay marriage ordinance is being hailed as a boon to tourism. Apparently the Washington Monument and the Capital weren't enough of a draw. The city is anticipating 10,000 gay marriages in the first three years. That's 20,000 people who will come for something besides the Spy Museum and the Barack Obama car air fresheners.
Nevertheless, this is a civil rights issue and it is perfectly proper that the city that hosted Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech should outlaw discrimination wherever it exists. Bravo!
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Senator Joseph Lieberman, Irritating Senator from Connecticut, has crafted a new meaning to "going rogue". Determined to singlehandedly sink America's best hope of real healthcare reform, Joe has forgotten MASH's Frank Burns who opined, "Individuality is fine as long as we all do it together." Fifty-nine senators, all of them Democrats, have seen their way to approving the current legislation. Lieberman sees it differently. We would not want to speculate that the Connecticut insurance lobby has Old Joe by his circumcised johnson but let's be real here. Why would any senator who professes to be a social liberal, want to block a bill that will protect the health of millions? The Obama Administration has proposed allowing Maine to annex Connecticut in return for Olimpia Snowe's vote. Unfortunately, Senator Snowe opposes any deal that makes Joe Lieberman a citizen of Maine. Smart lady!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
The death of Oral Roberts at 91 created an interesting conundrum for newspapers. Roberts was a dominant figure in televangelism. His passing demands ink. The trick is to be gracious without being patronizing. In a effort to appear fair, The Washington Post ran several columns on the life and times of Reverend Roberts. They studiously avoided words like, charlatan, huckster, fraud and pseudo-holy man who got really rich by conning the old and gullible. They neglected to mention the hubris of a man so fond of his own name that he put it on a university.
Roberts was a preacher in the Elmer Gantry mode. He railed against dancing and circuses (curious, considering his TV show). He was however, not opposed to the worship of the Almighty Dollar. At the height of his con Roberts was raking in over $100 million a year. Not bad for a poor farmer's son from Bebee, Oklahoma. Anyway, he's with his maker now (or at least his money-maker). I'm thinking that Roberts lived to be 91 because the Lord wasn't that anxious to have him all that close. I trust Reverend Roberts and L. Ron Hubbard will be happy together sharing that great pulpit in the sky.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
After the longest airline delay in recorded history, Boeing has finally begun flight testing the 787 Dreamliner in Everett, Washington. Customers have been waiting for two years while Boeing contended with parts issues, strikes and the painfully slow delivery of those little bags of pretzels. Among it's wonderful new features, the 787 boasts the largest windows in commercial aviation. Frequent flyers will enjoy a breathtaking view of the tarmac as they wait for hours on delayed aircraft. Welcome aboard!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
A group of Native Americans (Indians to you, the unenlightened) is suing the University of North Dakota to require the school to retain the name " The Fighting Sioux". The university had planned to retire the name which is offensive to some of our Native American brothers. Good luck picking a winner in this one. UND has spent years in debate over the school mascot and, having reached this decision, seems unlikely to reverse itself now. Alternative names have been suggested including: "The Peaceful Sioux", "The 'We're Willing To Sign Another Treaty' Sioux" or even "The Boys Named Sioux". One thing is clear. Whatever deal was made with the tribe, I hope they got it in writing.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
...or should we tell the typing monkeys to stop work on Hamlet and get busy on climate change?
I was present when my cat had kittens therefore I am a qualified OB-GYN.
I own two cars which makes me an expert on the internal combustion engine.
I recycle so I know all there is to know about climate change and waste disposal.
If any of these quantum leaps in presumption appears egregious, imagine my shock at learning that the 2/3 term former Governor of Alaska has taken it upon herself to lecture the President and the rest of us on the science of climate change. Holy moose turds, batman. Sarah Palin knows as much about the science of climate change as George W. Bush knows about constructing a sentence. This is what happens when you leave computers around where anyone can type on them. OK so no one thinks that Bus-tour Sarah actually wrote the op-ed piece that appeared in Wednesday's Washington Post but it did have her name attached.
Academically, Ms. Palin's credentials in earth sciences extend about as far as high school biology. I'm sure the science teachers at Wasilla High School were thorough and competent however, it seems unlikely that their core curriculum extended to ozone layers and CO2 emissions. Sarah's likely exposure to climate change was the realization that it got pretty cold in January in Alaska.
The five colleges that helped Governor Palin on the road to a baccalaureate degree in Communications, with an emphasis in journalism (where she presumably learned all about how journalists make stuff up) never attempted to steer her toward a career in science. Even the world renowned Matanuska-Susitna College neglected Sarah's obvious scientific aptitude. Her brief career in broadcasting at KTUU-TV and KTVA-TV in Anchorage might have helped her to understand how a weatherperson operates a blue screen but, beyond observing "boy, it's gonna snow tomorrow" opportunities for advanced learning were limited.
Ah, but once she entered politics the world was her scientific oyster. Unfortunately, you are required to open the shell. During three terms as mayor of Wasilla, Sarah busied herself with building a sports complex, rewarding her allies and of course firing those who transgressed. The temperature of the earth never appeared on her radar screen. She did serve on the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission but her title was Ethics Supervisor. No science here either.
As Governor of Alaska one of her top priorities was resource development. In a mineral rich state like Alaska this seems a logical goal. However nothing in the Governor's truncated term in Anchorage ever gave the impression that any actual knowledge ever cluttered her mind. Small wonder considering how much information must be digested by those hockey moms.
Nonetheless, armed with not the slightest whiff of real information or actual facts (Why bother? Her core constituents glaze over at the mere mention of facts), Governor Golly Gosh Palin launched into a data-free tutorial on lying scientists, the conspiracy of climate change advocates and, of course, the misguided policies of President Barack Obama. She proclaimed with great conviction that America ought to boycott the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen this week. This would apparently send a message to those snaky sneaky East Anglia climate scientists. Screw the rest of the world! Gosh darnit this is America. We don't owe other countries a darn thing.
Fortunately, Sarah Palin, like the other "influential" conservatives currently kissing tea-bagger ass, holds no public office and has no real authority (Limbaugh, Beck and [hold your nose] Dick Cheney make up the rest). You may now understand why Sister Sarah packed her snow shoes and skedaddled for the lower 48. Without the burden of an actual administrative job, Sarah is free to opine on any subject without those annoying constituents expressing their unwanted opinions.
Anyway, assuming that the Washington Post volunteers the space, we can look forward to reading Governor Palin's thoughts on: AIDS in Sub Sahara Africa, monetary policy in post- modernist China and perhaps, the rightful place of fighting in professional hockey. Just no more grown-up topics like climate change. Let's leave that to the numbers-fudging pointy heads who actually understand it.
I own two cars which makes me an expert on the internal combustion engine.
I recycle so I know all there is to know about climate change and waste disposal.
If any of these quantum leaps in presumption appears egregious, imagine my shock at learning that the 2/3 term former Governor of Alaska has taken it upon herself to lecture the President and the rest of us on the science of climate change. Holy moose turds, batman. Sarah Palin knows as much about the science of climate change as George W. Bush knows about constructing a sentence. This is what happens when you leave computers around where anyone can type on them. OK so no one thinks that Bus-tour Sarah actually wrote the op-ed piece that appeared in Wednesday's Washington Post but it did have her name attached.
Academically, Ms. Palin's credentials in earth sciences extend about as far as high school biology. I'm sure the science teachers at Wasilla High School were thorough and competent however, it seems unlikely that their core curriculum extended to ozone layers and CO2 emissions. Sarah's likely exposure to climate change was the realization that it got pretty cold in January in Alaska.
The five colleges that helped Governor Palin on the road to a baccalaureate degree in Communications, with an emphasis in journalism (where she presumably learned all about how journalists make stuff up) never attempted to steer her toward a career in science. Even the world renowned Matanuska-Susitna College neglected Sarah's obvious scientific aptitude. Her brief career in broadcasting at KTUU-TV and KTVA-TV in Anchorage might have helped her to understand how a weatherperson operates a blue screen but, beyond observing "boy, it's gonna snow tomorrow" opportunities for advanced learning were limited.
Ah, but once she entered politics the world was her scientific oyster. Unfortunately, you are required to open the shell. During three terms as mayor of Wasilla, Sarah busied herself with building a sports complex, rewarding her allies and of course firing those who transgressed. The temperature of the earth never appeared on her radar screen. She did serve on the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission but her title was Ethics Supervisor. No science here either.
As Governor of Alaska one of her top priorities was resource development. In a mineral rich state like Alaska this seems a logical goal. However nothing in the Governor's truncated term in Anchorage ever gave the impression that any actual knowledge ever cluttered her mind. Small wonder considering how much information must be digested by those hockey moms.
Nonetheless, armed with not the slightest whiff of real information or actual facts (Why bother? Her core constituents glaze over at the mere mention of facts), Governor Golly Gosh Palin launched into a data-free tutorial on lying scientists, the conspiracy of climate change advocates and, of course, the misguided policies of President Barack Obama. She proclaimed with great conviction that America ought to boycott the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen this week. This would apparently send a message to those snaky sneaky East Anglia climate scientists. Screw the rest of the world! Gosh darnit this is America. We don't owe other countries a darn thing.
Fortunately, Sarah Palin, like the other "influential" conservatives currently kissing tea-bagger ass, holds no public office and has no real authority (Limbaugh, Beck and [hold your nose] Dick Cheney make up the rest). You may now understand why Sister Sarah packed her snow shoes and skedaddled for the lower 48. Without the burden of an actual administrative job, Sarah is free to opine on any subject without those annoying constituents expressing their unwanted opinions.
Anyway, assuming that the Washington Post volunteers the space, we can look forward to reading Governor Palin's thoughts on: AIDS in Sub Sahara Africa, monetary policy in post- modernist China and perhaps, the rightful place of fighting in professional hockey. Just no more grown-up topics like climate change. Let's leave that to the numbers-fudging pointy heads who actually understand it.
Friday, December 04, 2009
...or will "may I see your invitation" become the new motto of the Secret Service?
Maybe the motto should be "You Can't Make This stuff Up".
In case the healthcare debate is making you ill (and that's a pre-existing condition) and the thought of more troops in Afghanistan sounds like Nixon Redux, you can still enjoy the ongoing saga of Tareq and Michaele Salahi. These two are truly the gift that keeps on giving. The only wonder in the story is why they haven't been sued by Woody Allen for stealing his character in Zelig or by Winston Groom for pilfering Forrest Gump. I was amazed that the Salahis weren't front and center at the United States Military Academy during the President's Afghanistan speech. This may be the first celebrity Ponzi scheme on record.
First, as everyone knows, the Salahis schmoozed their way into the White House and attended the early stages of a formal dinner honoring the President of India. That visit included a photo-op with the Vice President and the Pres. Having been outed and ousted that evening, the press has taken a keen interest in the couple and the discoveries are hilarious. They have been photographed, together and individually with Oprah, who professes not to have ever heard of them, and the Washington Redskins Cheerleader alumni (Michaele not Tareq) although there is no record that she was ever a member (maybe Tareq was the cheerleader). Michaele professes to have been a former Miss USA but, you guessed it, she never was. (Maybe she expressed an opinion on gay marriage and was expunged. That can happen, you know.)
Tareq, not to be outdone, has been touting his ownership of the America's Polo Club which, he claims, has affiliation with The National Polo League. Sadly, no one in the polo community has ever heard of The National Polo League or any teams that are members. One suspects that the Salahi's press agent is Jon Lovitz's Tommy Flanagen.
All of this would be just good fun except that the Salahis have been peddling their bilge under the guise of a charitable foundation. All of the recent press, and possibly a nudge from the pride-damaged Secret Service, has caused both the IRS and the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services to take an interest. (Apparently the Dept. of Agriculture is involved because of all of the horseshit.) Anyway, what has surfaced is 1) a boatload of creditors who were promised payment from various Salahi events and, 2) several charities still waiting for contributions. None of this has matured into a criminal charge (felony obnoxious is only a crime against good taste) but hang on to your mallet. If you think the Godfather's Jack Woltz
"cannot be made to look ridiculous" wait 'til you see your federal government in action. Our newest celebrity can be almost assured a guest spot on Survivor, Leavenworth or The Real Housewives of the District of Columbia Women's Correctional Facility.
In case the healthcare debate is making you ill (and that's a pre-existing condition) and the thought of more troops in Afghanistan sounds like Nixon Redux, you can still enjoy the ongoing saga of Tareq and Michaele Salahi. These two are truly the gift that keeps on giving. The only wonder in the story is why they haven't been sued by Woody Allen for stealing his character in Zelig or by Winston Groom for pilfering Forrest Gump. I was amazed that the Salahis weren't front and center at the United States Military Academy during the President's Afghanistan speech. This may be the first celebrity Ponzi scheme on record.
First, as everyone knows, the Salahis schmoozed their way into the White House and attended the early stages of a formal dinner honoring the President of India. That visit included a photo-op with the Vice President and the Pres. Having been outed and ousted that evening, the press has taken a keen interest in the couple and the discoveries are hilarious. They have been photographed, together and individually with Oprah, who professes not to have ever heard of them, and the Washington Redskins Cheerleader alumni (Michaele not Tareq) although there is no record that she was ever a member (maybe Tareq was the cheerleader). Michaele professes to have been a former Miss USA but, you guessed it, she never was. (Maybe she expressed an opinion on gay marriage and was expunged. That can happen, you know.)
Tareq, not to be outdone, has been touting his ownership of the America's Polo Club which, he claims, has affiliation with The National Polo League. Sadly, no one in the polo community has ever heard of The National Polo League or any teams that are members. One suspects that the Salahi's press agent is Jon Lovitz's Tommy Flanagen.
All of this would be just good fun except that the Salahis have been peddling their bilge under the guise of a charitable foundation. All of the recent press, and possibly a nudge from the pride-damaged Secret Service, has caused both the IRS and the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services to take an interest. (Apparently the Dept. of Agriculture is involved because of all of the horseshit.) Anyway, what has surfaced is 1) a boatload of creditors who were promised payment from various Salahi events and, 2) several charities still waiting for contributions. None of this has matured into a criminal charge (felony obnoxious is only a crime against good taste) but hang on to your mallet. If you think the Godfather's Jack Woltz
"cannot be made to look ridiculous" wait 'til you see your federal government in action. Our newest celebrity can be almost assured a guest spot on Survivor, Leavenworth or The Real Housewives of the District of Columbia Women's Correctional Facility.
...or has it become decidedly chilly in East Anglia?
Nothing is worse for Liberals than to lose the moral high ground. While the Right stands for profit, Liberals stand for compassion. The Conservatives believe in drilling gaping holes in our forests; Lefties stand with the woodland creatures. The Right manufactures fisted gloves. The Left has the olive branch concession. Them, swords; us, plowshares. It was, therefore, a serious blow to our lofty opinion of ourselves to learn that our team, aka, the good guys could be just as devious and underhanded as the other team.
Climate scientists at East Anglia University have been outed as having shaded the truth. Not content to provide honest clinical data as to the man-made effects of greenhouse gases, the boys and girls of the Climate Research Unit at East Anglia University also manipulated data to hide holes in their theories and subverted efforts to publish scientific data that contradicted their opinions. Sort of the scientific equivalent of Fox News.
Except scientists aren't supposed to do that! Forget the Bush Administration's eight year effort to edit and redact every scientific study to conform to their agenda. They're Conservatives! You expect them to cheat. We're the good guys. We tell the inconvenient truth. We print the bad with the good and let the science speak for itself. We don't lose the pages that contradict the findings we were hoping for. Our side doesn't believe that we have all the answers or that, in the wrong hands, contrary findings will be misinterpreted. The other guys do that.
Well, it appears that feet of clay is bipartisan after all. The emails hacked from the scientists at East Anglia establish that, at the end of the day, we're no better than they are. The stolen correspondence doesn't negate the preponderance of evidence that the earth is warming but good luck selling that story now. And so, as the polar ice becomes the surf on Maui and the skiing season at St. Moritz is measured in hours, remember being on the side of the angels doesn't mean it's OK to make a deal with the devil. Or, all that separates us from Michelle Malkin is a really bad make-up job.
Climate scientists at East Anglia University have been outed as having shaded the truth. Not content to provide honest clinical data as to the man-made effects of greenhouse gases, the boys and girls of the Climate Research Unit at East Anglia University also manipulated data to hide holes in their theories and subverted efforts to publish scientific data that contradicted their opinions. Sort of the scientific equivalent of Fox News.
Except scientists aren't supposed to do that! Forget the Bush Administration's eight year effort to edit and redact every scientific study to conform to their agenda. They're Conservatives! You expect them to cheat. We're the good guys. We tell the inconvenient truth. We print the bad with the good and let the science speak for itself. We don't lose the pages that contradict the findings we were hoping for. Our side doesn't believe that we have all the answers or that, in the wrong hands, contrary findings will be misinterpreted. The other guys do that.
Well, it appears that feet of clay is bipartisan after all. The emails hacked from the scientists at East Anglia establish that, at the end of the day, we're no better than they are. The stolen correspondence doesn't negate the preponderance of evidence that the earth is warming but good luck selling that story now. And so, as the polar ice becomes the surf on Maui and the skiing season at St. Moritz is measured in hours, remember being on the side of the angels doesn't mean it's OK to make a deal with the devil. Or, all that separates us from Michelle Malkin is a really bad make-up job.
...or is Tiger Woods naming his boat "Privacy" similar to Karl Rove calling his "Integerty"? Lofty but probably unattainable.
Tiger! Tiger! Tiger!
Didn't you read the "moral turpitude" clause in your Nike contract? It clearly states "this contract will be null and void in the event your aggrieved spouse takes a three iron to the back window of your Escalade any time after 2:00 AM". Didn't anyone ever remind you of the words of Confucius who wrote "He who wishes to become the idol of millions would do well to keep his putter in his bag". Of course Confucius probably didn't spend much time at Vegas cocktail lounges.
All kidding aside (and that may take some time) this story sucks. A lot of people admired Tiger Woods; me included. For almost 34 years he has been letter perfect. Perfect childhood (so far as we know), perfect golf career, spotless reputation, sponsor's dream and, in a world of dirty laundry, a seemingly focused professional. Tragically, he now appears to have been focused on his next horizontal mambo. And see, that's the tragedy. Sexual dalliance allows for endless ridicule. Jokes about his driver alone could fill a book. It's one thing to have a drug problem or a martini jones. People shake their heads and wish you well in rehab. However, if your particular brand of peccadillo (see, still funny) involves playing hide the mashie with ladies to whom you are not currently married, you quickly become grist for the comedy mill. No one feels sorry for a guy who spends his off hours diddling his way through the western world.
Another impediment to understanding is Tiger's wife is gorgeous. True, the grass is always greener at someone else's country club (sorry!) but most people are baffled as to why Tiger would feel the need to stray from such a beautiful course (Sorry again). This is especially vexing in that a silver dollar would cover all three women. Is the fillet in Vegas better than the filly at home? (OK now I'm embarrassing myself.)
For those who say that this is a private matter between Tiger and his wife (and the bimbos and the lawyers), stop yourself. When you live a public life, when your income is derived from the image you project, you don't get to decide to suddenly become Joe Average American. The price you pay for the privilege of selling Accenture and Nike and Gatorade and Buicks and Gillette shavers is that you are special and worthy of emulation. Tiger isn't the ideal pitchman because he's a great golfer. He's also a great black golfer and good looking and, up until now, appeared to embody the American ideal. And that's why this story sucks. We all thought it was OK to look up to Tiger Woods. Turns out the guy we admired like Jack Kennedy turned out to be all too much like...Jack Kennedy.
Didn't you read the "moral turpitude" clause in your Nike contract? It clearly states "this contract will be null and void in the event your aggrieved spouse takes a three iron to the back window of your Escalade any time after 2:00 AM". Didn't anyone ever remind you of the words of Confucius who wrote "He who wishes to become the idol of millions would do well to keep his putter in his bag". Of course Confucius probably didn't spend much time at Vegas cocktail lounges.
All kidding aside (and that may take some time) this story sucks. A lot of people admired Tiger Woods; me included. For almost 34 years he has been letter perfect. Perfect childhood (so far as we know), perfect golf career, spotless reputation, sponsor's dream and, in a world of dirty laundry, a seemingly focused professional. Tragically, he now appears to have been focused on his next horizontal mambo. And see, that's the tragedy. Sexual dalliance allows for endless ridicule. Jokes about his driver alone could fill a book. It's one thing to have a drug problem or a martini jones. People shake their heads and wish you well in rehab. However, if your particular brand of peccadillo (see, still funny) involves playing hide the mashie with ladies to whom you are not currently married, you quickly become grist for the comedy mill. No one feels sorry for a guy who spends his off hours diddling his way through the western world.
Another impediment to understanding is Tiger's wife is gorgeous. True, the grass is always greener at someone else's country club (sorry!) but most people are baffled as to why Tiger would feel the need to stray from such a beautiful course (Sorry again). This is especially vexing in that a silver dollar would cover all three women. Is the fillet in Vegas better than the filly at home? (OK now I'm embarrassing myself.)
For those who say that this is a private matter between Tiger and his wife (and the bimbos and the lawyers), stop yourself. When you live a public life, when your income is derived from the image you project, you don't get to decide to suddenly become Joe Average American. The price you pay for the privilege of selling Accenture and Nike and Gatorade and Buicks and Gillette shavers is that you are special and worthy of emulation. Tiger isn't the ideal pitchman because he's a great golfer. He's also a great black golfer and good looking and, up until now, appeared to embody the American ideal. And that's why this story sucks. We all thought it was OK to look up to Tiger Woods. Turns out the guy we admired like Jack Kennedy turned out to be all too much like...Jack Kennedy.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
...or does Glen Beck look like Porky Pig with a bad crewcut?
Reasons to move to France:
The smiling Salahis, Tareq and Michaele, fresh from their gig as uninvited guests at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., are getting what they always wanted: their 14.5 minutes of fame. In keeping with America's tradition of rewarding moronic behavior, these celebrity wanna-be's will get to make the rounds of the oatmeal circuit and, who knows, maybe Oprah. Forgotten are the myriad Secret Service agents who will certainly be either fired or shipped to Waserastan thanks to these two clowns. Bumper stickers are now being printed for all Secret Service cars which read "A tux and a pretty wife only gets you into the White House if you're elected".
The only possible purpose these nobodies could serve is to waltz into Tiger Woods' gated community and attempt to discover why Tiger's wife smashed the back window of his SUV in an attempt to extricate him from the driver's seat.
___________________________________________________________________
A New York City high school teacher is suing the Board of Ed for injuries sustained as a result of slipping on the free condoms distributed to the students. The lawsuit, filed by Karen Hollender, allows for several lines of inquiry: 1) Should additional class-time be devoted to how condoms are used and disposed of without the use of bananas? 2) Do students believe that condoms and banana peels are similar? or, 3) Is the promiscuity level so high at some schools that, just the distribution of condoms causes a flurry of sexual activity in the hallways? We may never know.
___________________________________________________________________
Much is being made of a "suggestive, overtly sexual" performance rendered by Adam Lambert at the American Music Awards last month. Beyond the usual questions about what is appropriate for network television and how far is too far, one needs to address the key question in the debate...Who the f**k is Adam Lambert?
___________________________________________________________________
Sarah Palin's "memoir" (by this definition Ian Flemming's James Bond books were memoirs) has passed the 500,000 mark in sales. However, before you renew your passport and buy that one-way ticket to Charles de Gaulle Airport, remember that America bought 400,000 copies of Bill Clinton's "My Life" not to mention millions of pet rocks, mood rings and Donna Fargo's "Happiest Girl in the Whole USA". I understand that a copy of Sarah's books will now be given away free with the purchase of "Jingle Bells" as performed by the Barking Dogs. We're such children.
___________________________________________________________________
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Determined to regain their 13th Century status as a temporal power, the Catholic Church in the United States is attempting to use whatever clout they have left to influence the pending healthcare legislation. Unable to persuade American Catholics that: condoms are evil, stem cell research is the devil's business, your living will is irrelevant and, of course, a woman has no right to choose; the Vatican's Men in Black are trying their luck in Congress. We wish them the best of luck.
If successful, the bishops will move on to civil law and attempt to prohibit law suits against pedophile priests.
The smiling Salahis, Tareq and Michaele, fresh from their gig as uninvited guests at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., are getting what they always wanted: their 14.5 minutes of fame. In keeping with America's tradition of rewarding moronic behavior, these celebrity wanna-be's will get to make the rounds of the oatmeal circuit and, who knows, maybe Oprah. Forgotten are the myriad Secret Service agents who will certainly be either fired or shipped to Waserastan thanks to these two clowns. Bumper stickers are now being printed for all Secret Service cars which read "A tux and a pretty wife only gets you into the White House if you're elected".
The only possible purpose these nobodies could serve is to waltz into Tiger Woods' gated community and attempt to discover why Tiger's wife smashed the back window of his SUV in an attempt to extricate him from the driver's seat.
___________________________________________________________________
A New York City high school teacher is suing the Board of Ed for injuries sustained as a result of slipping on the free condoms distributed to the students. The lawsuit, filed by Karen Hollender, allows for several lines of inquiry: 1) Should additional class-time be devoted to how condoms are used and disposed of without the use of bananas? 2) Do students believe that condoms and banana peels are similar? or, 3) Is the promiscuity level so high at some schools that, just the distribution of condoms causes a flurry of sexual activity in the hallways? We may never know.
___________________________________________________________________
Much is being made of a "suggestive, overtly sexual" performance rendered by Adam Lambert at the American Music Awards last month. Beyond the usual questions about what is appropriate for network television and how far is too far, one needs to address the key question in the debate...Who the f**k is Adam Lambert?
___________________________________________________________________
Sarah Palin's "memoir" (by this definition Ian Flemming's James Bond books were memoirs) has passed the 500,000 mark in sales. However, before you renew your passport and buy that one-way ticket to Charles de Gaulle Airport, remember that America bought 400,000 copies of Bill Clinton's "My Life" not to mention millions of pet rocks, mood rings and Donna Fargo's "Happiest Girl in the Whole USA". I understand that a copy of Sarah's books will now be given away free with the purchase of "Jingle Bells" as performed by the Barking Dogs. We're such children.
___________________________________________________________________
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Determined to regain their 13th Century status as a temporal power, the Catholic Church in the United States is attempting to use whatever clout they have left to influence the pending healthcare legislation. Unable to persuade American Catholics that: condoms are evil, stem cell research is the devil's business, your living will is irrelevant and, of course, a woman has no right to choose; the Vatican's Men in Black are trying their luck in Congress. We wish them the best of luck.
If successful, the bishops will move on to civil law and attempt to prohibit law suits against pedophile priests.
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