This missive will be the first (or at least the most recent) in a series.
Even more reasons to move to France...now...soon...
Christian Mingle? Really? "Maybe God wants you to act?" (I might have said "take your love life into your own hands" but most Christians consider that a sin.)
Web sites like eHarmony and Match.com are OK I guess. People are busy and finding the time to meet and vet a life partner is a challenge. After all, your days and nights are consumed with staring at your Blackberry/Smartphone. Better to let a computer choose your stalker. Besides, whether you hit it off or not, your portable communication devices will ensure that you never actually have to talk with your partner. And, if things get sticky, there's always restrainingorder.com.
Seriously, I understand why Jews have jdate.com and Muslims check salaamlove.com. Both groups represent a small percentage of the population. An unmarried Jew could spend months in Abilene, TX trying to scare up a minyan let alone finding a single girl. A Muslim in Phoenix would have to pray a lot more than six times a day to have any hope of getting an Islamic date. For small groups like this, sub-set sites make sense. For Christians...not so much.
First of all Christians are a plague. They're everywhere. You can't swing the shroud of Turin without hitting one. It's not like they're hiding. With their scrubbed complexions and modest garb they're as obvious as Al Sharpton at an RNC rally. If you have an hour or so to kill, approach one of these Liberty University alums and ask if they are a Christian. Trust me they won't surreptitiously draw a fish in the dirt.
Christians have unlimited chances to meet the holy roller of their dreams. There are church services, Klan meetings, Michele Bachmann rallies. (The main difference between the two is no one wears pearls to a Klan meeting.) What about anti-abortion gatherings or anti-mosque rallies? Between the hate speeches and the shooting there should be plenty of time for mingling. After all, the vetting process is relatively simple. "Hi, my name is Daniel, like the prophet. Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior? Great, me too. Will you marry me?"
The Christian Mingle site questionnaire is extensive, enlightening and really separates the wheat from the chaff. Questions include:
Where/when did you find Jesus?
a) in Church
b) in prison
c) in an image on a potato chip
d) when my ex-wife pointed a shotgun at me and my secretary in the No-tell Motel.
Have you saved yourself for marriage?
a) Yes
b) No
and 'yes' your cousin counts.
How much do you drink?
a) never
b) never on Sunday
c) never in Church
d) never during the actual service
(Irish applicants are not required to answer.)
How often do you attend Church?
a) every Sunday
b) Christmas and Easter
c) weddings and funerals
d) during the last hockey game in hell
Clearly, only the pious need apply.
So once you meet the virgin of your dreams, where do you go on a date? Bars are out. Restaurants are OK but how many serve unleavened bread? Movies are good but your selections are limited to "Winnie the Pooh Reads from Isiah" and "The Passion of the Christ". (spoiler alert: in spite of all the blood, gore and suffering this story does not end well.) A play would be good but perhaps you should steer clear of "The Book of Mormon". You could always take her back to your place and show her your collection of fruits and vegetables shaped like the Virgin Mary.
On some level Christian Mingle would seem counter-productive. Wouldn't it be better to meet and convert some poor misguided atheist or Jew? Maybe even a person who chose to be gay? After all, what's the good of learning all those Bible verses if your partner keeps finishing your sentences? Better to troll for souls on some secular site. Who knows, you might get to convert Ms. Wrong into Mrs. Right. Remember, forming a lasting bond is the first step to bondage. Good luck, all you Christians!
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