...or should America be offered a choice: stop Donald Trump from talking or stop John McCain from traveling?

Will someone please break into the Senate office building and confiscate John McCain's passport? Grandpa John seems determined to rack up frequent flyer points by traveling to every corner of the war-torn Middle East. Then, armed with his "findings" he returns to the Senate with "the real story of life on the ground". This is the equivalent of President Obama having lunch at Ray's Hellburger in Arlington and reporting back on the status of the beef industry.



McCain was recently in Libya where he "met with rebel leaders" to determine what course of action the Obama administration should follow. Considering the way Senators travel and the security that accompanies them, McCain could have learned more from watching Anderson Cooper on CNN. This sort of meddling in international affairs may make McCain look "involved" but it is no more helpful that walking the streets of any inner city to report on street crime.

You may remember McCain's campaign trip to Iraq in 2008. He traveled with a cadre of guards and wore more body armour than a hockey goalie. Nevertheless he was able to peer out at the landscape and report that the streets of Baghdad were safe and that the war was mostly won. Thank you John.

Naturally, the President is inclined to ignore the daily briefings he receives from the CIA, the Pentagon and the DoD in order to listen to an aging Senator who hasn't served in an active duty capacity since Sherman burned Atlanta. Having had a cup of java with a guy who met McCain at the airport with a sign saying "this way to the rebel leader", Johnny Mac is clearly better informed than those pencil-necks in Defense or those NATO weenies in Brussels.

Senator, do your country and your President a favor; call Joe Leiberman and plan a trip to Wisconsin. After meeting with the cows in Dairyland you can report back to the Dept. of Agriculture on milk production and the cold hands of the farmers.

...or should someone have dumped a big bucket of Gatorade on John Boehner after the midterms?

Some things are funny once. Some actions grow from a one-time thing into a tradition. (Example: Throwing the opposing team's home run balls back onto the field at Wrigley.) However, the Gatorade shower inflicted on coaches after big victories is an idea further past its prime than John McCain. Wiki is vague on who started this tradition but it's been going on for 25 years. Once upon a time swimming teams used to throw their winning coaches in the pool. That may be why credit cards and drivers licenses are plastic. Whatever spontaneous giggles are derived from dumping sticky goo on your coach have been replaced by cringes. Most big games are won in winter. It's cold. Many coaches are old. It would be a tragedy to see Joe Paterno's career ended by pneumonia due to a lemonade bath in January. I'm sure coaches hate it. Besides, can you imagine anyone dumping a bucket of anything on George Halas or Vince Lombardi? You'd be packing your bags before the ice melted on the AstroTurf.

And on the subject of old, outmoded artifacts that should have been retired years ago, who thought it would be a good idea to put Cher in a new movie? Mrs. Bono is appearing with Christine Aguilera in a "small town girl learns the ropes from old doll" picture called Burlesque. (I tell ya this chestnut is so old, Sony Pictures had to pay royalties to a French cave-wall painter! rim shot!) We don't wish to go all Perez Hilton but the only thing stretched farther than Cher's face is her modest talent. She has had every plastic surgeon in Hollywood learning the words to "If I Could Turn Back Time". Having big pipes is not the same as being able to sing...just like a penchant for public nudity isn't the same as acting. Anyway, maybe the casting isn't all that bad. After all, didn't Cher once date Flo Ziegfeld?

And then there's John McCain, hard at work lying, obfuscating and pursuing his disgraceful retreat from his previous position on Don't Ask Don't Tell. What will you bet that one of the Wikileaks documents outs McCain as a dress-wearing, self-hating drag queen?


And then there's the NRA, suing Texas (Texas, for Christ's sake) over the right of 18 year olds to carry concealed weapons. Currently in Texas you must be 21. I suppose there is some logic here. At least teenaged Texans will have three years to get used to carrying guns before they're old enough to carry one into a bar. Honestly, the level of irresponsibly fostered by organizations with more money than brains is disheartening.


And then there's the newest low in reality television..."Brideplasty". Yes folks; just when you thought women couldn't debase themselves any further we have a competition among engaged women to win liposuction, breast augmentations and eye tucks. Aside: Why has the Italian Anti-defamation League yelled themselves hoarse about The Godfather and remained silent about Jersey Shore? Talk about defamation! It's like an Italian minstrel show. Back to reality.

So what's next, "Cramp Champ"? A competition to see who has the worst periods? How about "The Big O"? or "Who Wants to Give A Hummer?"(Hint..no automobiles are involved.)

...or is there a good reason Bill Clinton never campaigned for Al Gore?

If anyone in Arizona should happen to find John McCain's soul, please drop it in any mailbox. Postage is paid. Honestly, how badly do you want to stay in the U.S. Senate that you would agree to appear on another stage with Sarah Palin? How little self worth must you have to attempt a smile and a hug from the runner-up Miss Vapid 1999? Jesus, John! Your wife has millions. You have more houses than you can count. The Democrats hate you. The Conservative wing of your own party (which is all but seven people) hate you. Your fan club consists of Joe Lieberman and two old guys from the VFW hall in Flagstaff. You have given 27 years to the Congress and all you have to show is a primary challenge from a dickweed talkshow host who, in a sane society, couldn't get elected to secretary of the Bisbee school board. I know you hate to lose John, but... Sarah Palin?


In case you missed "Sarah and John Deux", you didn't miss much. They were all there. Cindy McCain, who was promised after Nov. '08 that she would never have to stand on another platform and look at Sarah Palin's ass, was there. She still has the look of a traveling nurse ready to rush in at a minute's notice if John needs his meds. Todd "the cigar store Indian" Palin was there. Seriously, I get that Todd's wife is the gravy-train from heaven but shouldn't a real man from Alaska want to do more than adopt the fig-leaf pose one pace behind and to the left? Does he speak? Can he speak? Don't we all suspect there is a barc-a-lounger and a beer somewhere with his name on it? Jesus, the lead dog from the Iditarod winner has more personality.


Anyone tuning in midway through the news last night and seeing Johnny Mac and Sister Sarah on the platform must have thought they caught the tail end of America's Biggest Loser. McCain is trailing in the polls and may soon be dusting off the "you won't have John McCain to kick around anymore" speech made famous by Richard Nixon in 1962. The good people of Arizona who admired McCain's tough, bi-partisan, rational approach to government now feel that he is a tad too bi-partisan. Enter the biker-chick. Sarah resurrected her black leathers (more suited to an appearance in Sturgis, S.D.) to appear for the embattled candidate in Phoenix. She trotted out the usual platitudes that played so well at the Tea-bagger confab in Tenn. last month. This lady has more bromides than the Farmer's Almanac.




As uncomfortable political events went, this was the best (or worst) since Sammy Davis kissed Richard Nixon. McCain hates everything about the tea-baggers. Their noisiness says nothing; their fire has no warmth and their lack of focus (we hate taxes, we hate government, we really hate the black president) brings no direction. Tea-baggers aren't a movement; they're a soft- core, Klan pep rally. McCain is incensed at being tossed over the side by the very people he thought he was representing.




Palin, for her part, would rather return her wardrobe to the RNC than help John McCain. His campaign staff spent the summer filling a wing of the Library of Congress with "Sarah Sucks" books: "Sarah Sucks as a Candidate", "Sarah Sucks as a Student"," Sarah Sucks as a Team Player". They blamed her for everything from the weather on election day to Joe the Plumber's hair loss. Now she is forced to bite back the rage and tell the good people of Arizona what a knee-jerk conservative Good Old John McCain really is. At least she got to spear McCain with an age joke which was as unfunny as it was inappropriate.




Palin left Arizona secure in the knowledge that she had burnished her reputation as a loyalist who pays her political debts. She may have ditched the people of Alaska midway through her term and ignored the RNC National Convention in favor of the Tea-baggers (six figure checks notwithstanding) but, by God, she wasn't going to abandon the man who made her a household name. Sarah moved on with a clear conscience to her next event: a rally against Senator Harry Reid in Nevada. New state...same audience. Maybe they could dress Todd up like a blackjack dealer.

...or is John McCain a few french fries short of a happy meal?

Honest to God!

For as much as we try to consign John McCain to the ash heap of second place finishers next to the 1982 Cincinnati Bengals, the 1932 Chicago Cubs and Michael Dukakis, he continues to stumble and obfuscate his way onto the front pages. Trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt is like trying to appreciate the films of Micky Rourke...why put yourself through it?

This week's performance was especially egregious. The Senior senator from Bullshitastan managed a double play. Woody Allen's Broadway Danny Rose says "You can't ride two horses with one behind" but you'd never know it to watch John McCain. As they say in the circus, they'll never let you be the ringmaster if you keep acting the clown.

Let's start with the Armed Forces and it's "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding gay troops. This obscene bit of discrimination has been responsible for the cashiering of more than 13,000 serving Americans since Bill Clinton's lack of spine made it law in 1993. Since then, our Army, Navy and Marines have lost the services of many dedicated, well trained volunteers for no other reason than being outed as gay or lesbian.

During his aborted campaign for President (where the don't ask, don't tell policy was rigorously applied regarding the galactic incompetence of Sarah Palin) McCain stated repeatedly that "The day that the military leadership comes to me and says, 'Senator, we ought to change the policy' then I think we should seriously consider changing it." Apparently McCain was confident that the Winter Olympics would be awarded to hell before any high-ranking officer would publicly condone gay soldiers. Well look out for snowboarding devils Senator. In an extraordinary act of courage, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Mike Mullen and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates testified this week before the Senate Armed Services Committee and told the Senator exactly that.

Clearly the two highest ranking members of the Armed Forces, one civilian and a Republican appointee and one military (from McCain's own Navy, no less) wasn't enough. Perhaps a visit from George Patton would help? McCain was unmoved. Big surprise! Face it. McCain served in the Navy of the 1960's. They were barely tolerant of blacks. The idea of openly gay sailors puts McCain in mind of the drag scene in South Pacific. When he thinks gay he thinks of a ship full of limp-wristed marys prancing from stem to stern. It's OK to harbor prejudices. Everyone does. It is not OK to parade your biases to the world and it is not OK to offend serving Americans with your particular brand of bigotry.

Senator McCain's second bit of duplicity occured on the vote on the Conrad-Gregg Commission. Non-policy wonks may be unfamiliar with this brief, doomed attempt at bipartisan governance. Senators Kent Conrad (D-ND) and Judd Gregg (R-NH) proposed a plan to curb America's budget crisis. The bill was called the Bipartisan Task Force for Responsible Fiscal Action Act. Can these guys turn a phrase or what?

Briefly, the task force would be composed of 18 members, 10 Dems and 8 from the GOP. They would submit recommendations for fiscal restraint which would be voted on in Congress. The details are labyrinthine but reflect a genuine effort at broad-based fiscal reform. The bill initially had 35 co-sponsors from both parties. Here's where the fun began.

A letter was sent to the President urging him to sign the bill should it ever get that far. The letter was signed by the likes of Cornyn of Texas, Chambliss of Georgia, Feinstein of California and even Lieberman of Connecticutt (Let's show it to Joey. He hates everything.). President Obama, anxious to achieve bipartisan anything, came out in favor of the Commission. Naturally, Presidential support for any initiative triggers automatic rejection in the Republican caucus. Leading the charge for rejection was everyone's favorite grand dad; John McCain.

McCain's opposition, which reversed his support a few weeks ago, was nifty. He voted against the bill because, he said, it might lead to higher taxes. Forgetting for a moment that the Commission must achieve a 14 out of 18 plurality to recommend any action and that Congress can pass the proposals only with super majorities, this bill was designed and blessed by both parties...including the Senior Senator from Arizona.

McCain's opposition can only lead to two conclusions: 1) Stripping away all of the "why can't we all work together" rubbish, McCain is, at his core, a vengeful, intractable ideologue who will never support any proposal endorsed by the guy who kicked his white ass in November 2008; 2) Alzheimer's. Either he is terrified of losing his precious perch in the Senate to a Tea-bagger in a primary or he's just losing it. Either way it's time to show John McCain the door... in case he forgot where it was.

...or is John McCain a lone voice in the Arizona desert?

President Obama (may his tee shot never find the rough) delivered his first State of the Union speech last night. Among the proposals offered by the President was a re-commitment to abolish the absurd "don't ask, don't tell"rule from the military. It was later noted by whatever pundit occupied my TV at the time that this policy was opposed by John McCain. This begs the question: What are we to make of the conundrum that is John McCain? As a Catholic, I am naturally opposed to conundrums (rim shot!) but McCain is a special case. Just when you think you have him figured out, he says or does something to make you question your conclusion.

McCain is not a fence-straddler (except on the subject of Sweet Sarah Palin) or an equivocator (except on the subject of SSP). When you ask a question, you always get an answer...except (see above). It should be noted that the right-wing ideologue who ran for President with SSP in 2008 bore no resemblance to the current senior Senator from Arizona. Only the names are the same. You have to love a politician who takes a position on almost everything. For the most part his reasoning is logical, rational and well-reasoned. That sort of intelligence in a politician might get you knighted, canonized or at least earn you a wing at the Smithsonian with all of the other extinct creatures. In McCain's case it has earned him a primary challenge from a teabagger named J.D. Hayworth.


If you're running against fruit-loops like the Baggers, logic and intelligence will get you killed. McCain will have to explain why he forged an alliance with legislators of both parties in 2005 to break the logjam in Congress that was preventing the approval of federal appointees. He will have to justify his dalliance with Democrat Russ Feingold and Sometime Democrat Joe Lieberman to craft needed legislation on campaign finance reform (McCain-Feingold) and climate change (Climate Stewardship Act). McCain will be forced to defend his possible position as vice president on the 2004 Kerry ticket (never offered; never sought) and his preference for Joe Lieberman as a running mate in 2008.


Most recently, McCain committed the cardinal sin of meeting with Democrat Evan Bayh (in public, no less) to attempt improvements to President Obama's federal spending freeze. What kind of Conservative Republican seeks compromise over ideology; governance over rhetoric; reason over sound-bites? The kind that gets clobbered by talk show windbags.


For however sick to death we are of the term (thank you SSP), McCain is an actual maverick. He refuses to participate in the stupid, obnoxious pandering that has infected Republican politics since the election of Barack Obama. McCain believes that questioning Obama's citizenship is infantile. He forbade his presidential campaign committee from attacking Obama over the Jeremiah Wright issue. He was a frequent critic of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on the conduct of the Iraq War. He opposes water-boarding and all other forms of "enhanced interrogation". McCain is certainly no Liberal. He is a small government warhawk who believes that earmarks are the root of all evil. Unfortunately, he is a true independent in an age of orthodoxy. Teabaggers don't want thinkers. They want screamers. They don't want legislators. They want true-believers. McCain's brand of Conservatism is as out-of-fashion as a mullet.


McCain could still win in Arizona. He still has a great personal story and the guy who is opposing him has more baggage (tea and otherwise) than Samsonite. Still it's a bit sad to watch a man who has given his life and his family to public service, reduced to explaining how give and take works in the legislative process. In Republican politics today that's like explaining sunrise to blind people.

...or is the catchphrase "I don't want to dwell on the past" an acceptable criminal defense?

The news has been replete lately with public figures who just want to move on. First we had the inflatable Mark McGuire who, unlike his recent self flagellation, told Congress in 2005 "I'm not here to talk about the past". Wise choice in that McGuire's past included a cornucopia of performance-enhancing drugs. Considering McGuire's recent performance for Bob Costas (Mark has obviously traded steroids for botox and #10 pancake) he might have been better off to stay in the medicine closet. His assertion that the drugs he ingested, injected and ran through barefoot had no effect on his home run production sounded as ridiculous as suggesting that air pressure has no discernible effect on the bounce capability of a basketball.

McGuire apparently intended, with his non-testimony before Congress, that he would blithely move on to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Clearly Mr. McGuire's ego was as inflated as his biceps and his hat size. The baseball writers who guard the Hall in Cooperstown with their votes take a dim view of players who owe their statistic excellence to Johnson & Johnson and Merck rather than to Spalding or Hillerich and Bradsby. Mark McGuire's best chance for admission to the Hall of Fame will be if they create a Steroids/HGH wing. Guests will include Sammy(my English fails me under oath) Sosa and Bobby ('roids made me strong as a horse but also made me a horse's ass) Bonds. Naturally the wing will have an inflatable roof.

Our second guest in the "let's not dwell on the past" spotlight is John McCain. The former Republican Presidential Candidate was interviewed this week regarding revelations in the new book "Game Changer". According to sources in the book, McCain knew more about the valet at the Phoenician Hotel than he did about the Kewpie doll he nominated for Vice President. When asked about the appalling lack of vetting regarding Sister Sarah, McCain smiled that "edge of Alzheimer's" smile he has perfected and told Matt Lauer "I'm not going to comment on things that happened over a year ago." There's a 50/50 chance that he won't comment because he can't remember. If you proposed a woman for national office who thinks Morocco is a musical instrument or that Einstein is famous for his bagel recipe, you'd want to forget all about it, too. Unfortunately, the vapid, empty-headed, former Miss Wasilla didn't disappear back into the tundra after the votes were counted. Like that pizza you ate too late at night Ms. Palin has regurgitated all over the American landscape.

Interestingly, McCain doesn't mind living in the past when the past includes his impressive war record or his time as U.S. Senator. His selective amnesia (from August to November, 2008) is no doubt triggered by the grim reminder that Sarah Palin was not Joe Lieberman in drag. She's more like Glen Beck in glasses. If I'd turned Sarah Palin loose on this unsuspecting world, I'd change the subject also.

Anyway, the moral of the story is if you have done something heinous or just stupid and you are called to task, merely indicate that you don't want to dwell on the past. This defense might have served several characters in history quite well. Imagine if George Armstrong Custer had lived to stand trial for incompetence. As he was picking arrows out of his epaulets he might have stood fully erect and proclaimed "Yes I did recklessly lead 208 men to their death along the Little Big Horn River in 1876 but I prefer not to dwell on the sins of the past..." This might even work for Karl Rove, if only we could forget him.

...or can you really see Russia from Wyoming?

Where was I? Oh, yeah, Joe Lieberman. Maybe it's me but can you really caucus with the Democrats when you oppose almost everything that Democrats were elected to fix? Joe is in favor of the U.S. attacking neutral countries in the Middle East (do you sense a pro Israel bias?), he opposes any form of healthcare (that would be his pro insurance company bias) and, so far as we can tell, is opposed to affirmative action and tort reform. Wow! If he ever changes his position on guns, he'll be to the right of Lindsey Graham. Calling Joe Lieberman a Democrat or an Independent is like calling Bill O'Reilly a Liberal because he's left-handed. In this country you run as an Independent when neither party will tolerate you.



On a related subject my Washington Post reported this week that both John McCain and Joe Lieberman have publicly expressed their support for the use of drones. A quick check of Dictionary.com informs us that a drone is a parasitic loafer or, a dull, monotonous sound. Any questions?.


If, perchance, their frame of reference was military drones, mindless missiles that are guided remotely and strike random targets with no ability to distinguish friend from foe, it is not difficult to understand why McCain and Lieberman would defend one of their own.



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And then there are those who make writing this blog just too easy. Enter Rudy Giuliani. America's Mayor has once again cranked open his large Italian mouth only to insert his Buster Browns. Not content to continue his shameless 9-11 exploitation tour, Rudy is appearing on TV chat shows to opine on the state of security in the U.S. Giuliani operates on the theory that, if you are walking down the street and a piano falls on your head, you are now an expert in Classical music. By this logic Tiger Woods, having had an encounter with a fire hydrant, would be qualified to lecture on the state of Ft. Lauderdale's urban water distribution.


Rudy's recent pronouncement, made to George Stephanopoulos on Good Morning America, was that there were no terrorist attacks during the Bush 43 administration. Now I'm not one to place blame but, technically speaking, George W. Bush was Commander in Chief, at least nominally, on Sept. 11, 2001. Being out to lunch doesn't mean you don't still have the job. Stephanopoulos was so stunned, he didn't ask Rudy to explain 9-11, Richard Reid, aka, the shoe bomber, and several other events which took place between Jan. 2001 and Jan 2009. Perhaps Rudy forgot that it's rude to remind Little George that Dick Cheney was really in charge for those eight years.

The elections of 2010 will be very exciting to be sure but I'm a bit sad at the prospect of races for governor and senator in New York without Rudy Giuliani. This self-important dirtbag has yet to even address the firefighters of his city who feel that his decisions immediately following the World Trade Center bombings cost several lives. Rudy is too cowardly to run for office in New York. To do so would incur the wrath of the state's most vocal and visceral voting block...Rudy's ex-wives.


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If Muslims are at all curious to learn why the non-Muslim world is getting a little fed up with them, forget exploding Fruit of the Looms and focus on Kuala Lumpur. Muslims in Malaysia are protesting/rioting over a High Court decision permitting Malaysian Christians to use the word Allah in print pronouncements. Seriously; the followers of Islam are so touchy that they take to the streets to protect the word Allah. We're not talking Dutch cartoons here, we're talking about their word for God. Pretty soon Muslims will want us to stop talking about beaded taxicab seats.

We all want to be tolerant but, the followers of Allah (sorry!) are trying the world's patience. For the first 1,000 years of its existence, Islam led the world in science, mathematics and culture. While the Irish were throwing mud balls at each other, the scholars of the East were charting the heavens and producing the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. Unfortunately the second millennium has been less productive. Like Christianity, Islam's paranoia has grown along with its popularity. Unlike Christianity, Islam's response to its self-described victimization has been violence and gross overreaction.


Muslims of today want things both ways. They immigrate to non-Muslim countries, demand the right of non-assimilation and, grab their pitchforks and torches at every perceived slight. They're only missing their own Al Sharpton. Maybe I'm a closet bigot but Islam is a religion, an organization built around prayer and devotion to God. Your rights extend only to the door of your mosque. Once you're on the street your rights have obligations. You are obliged to accommodate your religion to your cultural surroundings. If France, The Netherlands or Malaysia offends your religious sensibilities, either get over it or leave. Rioting, skyjacking and incendiary skivvies are not acceptable options. Neither is telling Malaysian Christians which words they can use.


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...or are TV debates just as boring as hell?

I'm stumped! I couldn't tell you who won the debate last night and I have a dog in the fight. It would be swell to write multiple paragraphs that proudly proclaimed Barak Obama the winner, having trounced the geezer McCain. Alas, it is not to be! Both men acquitted themselves admirably. Like the first round of a heavyweight fight, the contestants danced around for ninety minutes looking for openings. Nothing developed. The overriding objective appeared to be not to make a mistake. Given McCain's record as a public speaker, it was nothing short of amazing that he didn't fall over the ropes at least once. There were no watch-checking, rape-baiting moments. McCain is no Ronald Reagan but Obama is no Fritz Mondale.

Senator McCain did learn at least one lesson from the stylings of the Great Communicator. Much as Mr. Reagan loved to repeat phrases such as "Well..." and "there you go again",McCain continued to extol, "what Senator Obama fails to understand is..." I guess that's effective although what Senator McCain fails to understand is the phrase needs to be followed by some fact or even a coherent thought. Continually regurgitating your stump speech talking points doesn't make you look like a leader. It looks like you are phoning it in. That stuff is OK for Sarah, because she is an empty dress, but McCain needs to be more expansive. After all, the race is close but he's still behind. If the debates against Obama result in a draw, McCain loses. At least no bones were broken.

I'm not exactly sure what the American people expect to see at these debates. NASCAR fans are looking for a car wreck. People with medical bills and no healthcare are looking for some indication that their issues will be addressed (point to Obama). The rest of us are just rooting for our guy and hoping that the opposition gets a pie in the kisser. If we feel the need to take something away from the debate (aside from the sadness of missing the usual smorgasbord of network reality shows), consider that Barak Obama has acquitted himself as polished, professional, sincere, knowledgeable and he has a way better smile. Face it, McCain really is more of the same. Maybe there was a winner after all.