...or is Louie Gohmert the logical product of a marriage between Winchester and a bag of hammers?

Drum roll please!

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. It is with great shame and regret that I present to you the winner (if winner is the word) of The Isitjustme First Annual Asshat of the Year award. I give you Louie Gohmert, Congressman from the First District of Texas. In a year filled with bad actors: Charlie Sheen, the entire Republican presidential candidate field, the captain of the Costa Concordia, Lindsay Lohan, etc., Louie was an easy choice. A man who has pathologically come down on the wrong side of every issue, cannot go unrecognized.

Let's begin with a brief look at the Texas First District. Wedged up against Louisiana in the extreme Eastern part of the state, Texas First District is distinguished primarily for its lack of distinction. It contains no major population centers and, in all, comprises about 651,000 souls none of whom are quite clever enough to get out of East Texas. Once part of Texarkana (wherever that is) the district was gerrymandered into existence in the Great Tom DeLay Debacle of 1983. Our boy Louie came on the scene in 2005 as the first Republican Congressman from that district since Reconstruction. Who says Texans are slow to adapt?

Up until his rise to the national stage, Mr. Gohmert was a promising if unremarkable star in the GOP firmament. Educated at Texas A and M; and Baylor Law, Louie did four years in the JAG Corp. at Fort Benning, GA.  Though the legal  branch of the Army affords little opportunity for armed combat, Louie nevertheless developed a strange love of firearms. Being from Texas it's easy to write this off to inbreeding but Gohmert has raised a simple firearms fetish to an unholy lust for the smell of gunpowder, presumably, as long as he wasn't the target

 Totally unafraid of being labeled a kook or a gun nut, Louie Gohmert has waged a constant campaign for the irrational, incomprehensible and ludicrous idea that there is no problem in America that can't be solved with the use of automatic weapons. That sort of single-mindedness is rare in our society today (Thank God!)  Gohmert suggested if the patrons of that movie theater in Aurora, Colorado (where 12 died in a hail of gunfire from James Earl Holmes) had been armed, fewer folks would have died. (I'm assuming Louie has petitioned the State of Texas to arm ticket-takers and candy counter personnel.) Immediately following the horrific shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, only Louie Gohmert stood up and declared that an armed school principal, locked and loaded, would have saved those kids. Can you think of a candidate more deserving of distinction as America's most prominent Asshat?

Actually, Congressman Gohmert's achievements aren't limited to his unconventional views on firearms. Louie was a strong supporter of the Trans-Alaska pipeline as a means to encourage caribou to have more sex. He suggested (with a straight face) that the warm oil flowing through the pipe would invite caribou to "date". This marked the first time in the history of its publishing that The Onion could not think of a single way to create a parody from a story.  Naturally Gohmert believes that man-made climate change is a hoax. He supports strong anti-immigration laws and has even uncovered a sinister plot whereby sneaky terrorists are coming to the U.S. to have babies who will be trained to attack America. In his campaign on "terror babies" Louie has been undeterred by the total lack of evidence of such a plot or any explanation as to why terrorists would need to be born here in order to attack us.

Ever vigilant to the ways of evil-doers and bad actors, it was Congressman Gohmert, along with such bright lights as Michele Bachmann, who questioned the patriotism of Huma Abedin, Deputy Chief of Staff at the State Dept. It seems that Ms. Abedin had a brother whose next-door neighbor's barber roomed with the grandson of a member of the Muslim Brotherhood at summer camp. Thank God for the tireless work of witch-hunters like Bachmann and Gohmert who, in their single-minded pursuit of phantoms and red herrings, are never bothered by how foolish they look or how much damage they do.

So bravo to Congressman Louie Gohmert, a man whose devotion to wrong-headedness and gun lunacy is exceeded only by the apathy of the appleheads from East Texas who have returned him to Congress five times. We can only hope that, in the near future, we will open our email and discover that Congressman Gohmert has risen to the pinnacle of gun prominence; namely as a recipient of the Darwin Award for having accidentally shot himself in the nuts.

...or are we all prepared to accept responsibility for the killings in Newtown, CT?

If you get a chance (and they haven't taken it down by now) check out the National Rifle Association web site. Wayne LaPierre, Exec. VP of the gang is bragging that, in Virginia, an increase of 73% in gun sales has resulted in a decrease of 27% of gun crimes. Let's forget for a minute that these statistics have zero to do with each other. Gun sales in Virginia, the State that gave us Seung-Hui Cho and 32 dead at Virginia Tech, is up 73%. I don't swear much in these rants but, are you fucking kidding me?

I've got statistics for you...

  80 dead in mass shooting incidents in this country in 2012 alone.

  9,000 gun homicides a year. That doesn't include 51% of the suicides.

  20 children dead in a Connecticut grade school eleven days before Christmas.

So, whether you are a conservative or a liberal, please tell me when we stop whining and building monuments and start addressing the problem. I don't need to see my President weeping at the podium. I need to see him on the barricades fighting for gun laws. I have had enough of meaningless eulogies. Hell, we lost 3,000 souls on 9-11 and we declared war on two countries. We lose 9,000 people every year to mindless gun violence and our response is buy more guns. After the massacre at Virginia Tech there were state legislators who advocated for students to carry guns to class. In the wake of the Aurora, Colorado theater shooting, one NRA moron opined that, if more of the theater patrons had been armed the death toll would have been lower. By that logic, we should ensure that all teachers in public schools are packing heat.  It's that sort of thinking that will guarantee that incidents like Newtown , CT will continue.

  This isn't complicated. We are not hopelessly addicted to killing each other. There can be compromise. The NRA needs to understand that there is no slippery slope to the universal confiscation of guns. You are being lied to by your leadership. We can ban assault rifles without endangering the rights of hunters. We can chemically tag ammunition for identification. We can track the purchase of bullets. Currently, the Dept of Homeland Security knows if you buy any large quantity of ammonium nitrate, the high nitrogen fertilizer that was used in the Oklahoma City blast in 1995. However, anyone can stroll into Walmart and buy enough 9mm ammo to arm a Mexican drug cartel without so much as a ripple appearing on any government radar. Does that make sense to you? Mr. LaPierre I'm talking to you.

You're being laughed at folks. The gun lobby knows that your attention span can be measured in hours. They have your senator and congressman by the balls and they know you are powerless and too lazy to fix it.  You can stand in meaningless vigils outside the White House or wherever and, although it might make you feel good, nothing will happen. Go stand vigil at a gun shop or Walmart. (Walmart is the largest seller of guns in America. They actually had a Black Friday gun special.)   Pick up a copy of today's paper with the headline about the killings in Connecticut and deliver it to your state representative. Organize a march on Springfield, MA (home of Smith and Wesson) or New Haven, CT (HQ for Winchester Repeating Arms Co.). Tell them that you want them to lobby for sensible gun laws or we'll put them out of business. If we don't get mad and stay mad then we'd better just accept that this crazy gun culture will continue to consume us.

In any event, stop acting like we are in any way innocent of this tragedy. We light our little candles, profess shock and horror and then we go home and wait for the next gun nightmare.  Please review the definition of madness. We are living it and we are responsible for it..

or is the fiscal cliff just an excuse to keep us from watching the real news?

Just think of them as Fiscal Cliff notes:

Item

A German man reported that his girlfriend tried to suffocate him when he explained that he was planning to leave her. The victim, Mr. Tim Schmidt told police that when he advised Ms. Franziska Hansen that their relationship was at an end, her response was to restrict his ability to breathe. Because there was no garrott available and pillows were unreliable (though they were in bed at the time), Ms. Hansen proceeded to do the job with her size 38DD breasts. Whoa! Didn't see that coming. Neither apparently did Mr. Schmidt. "She just grabbed my head and pushed it between her breasts with all her force. I thought I was going to die."  It probably took him a full minute to realize that this gesture was not so much amorous as felonious. Having confessed to this mammary assault, Ms. Hansen stated "I wanted his death to be as pleasurable as possible." Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor?

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Roman Catholics around the world who make it a point never to follow the Pope about anything can now follow him on Twitter... or maybe not follow him on Twitter. Yes folks, the church that is famous for trying to recreate the fourteenth century here in the 21st has gone hi tech. The Papacy, never known for its brevity, will now attempt to reduce Christ's teachings to messages of 140 characters or less. A whole new language of tweet-speak abbreviations will be born:
"YG2H"        -          you're going to hell;
"missed your . (period)?  Don't even think about abortion";
#pedophile;
"ICYMI no bc in cs"  -  "In Case You Missed It  no birth control in catholic schools"
"TL;DR"  -  "Too Long; Didn't Read" (usually applied to encyclicals)
"BMH"  -  a variation of SMH-shaking my head. In this case "bowing my head". 

Catholics can now follow along with the Pope's daily activities. Tweets like "child abuse in Ireland? maybe, but what about that great music."  or  "what to get Sandra Fluke for xmas? what about a nice excommunication?" We can find out what the Pope eats for lunch "pasta @ Vatican commissary sucks" We will learn how His Holiness handles the awesome responsibility of infallibility   "Newest proclamation...Suspenders can now be worn with a belt" We'll even know what the Pope is reading these days "Started Fifty Shades of Grey. Thought it was a clothing catalog. My bad"

The Pope already has half a million followers and he hasn't even tweeted his first recipe. Thanks to the technology of Twitter, The Holy Father can now be ignored by thousands of Catholics who previously could only disregard his medieval ramblings in newspapers or from the pulpit. Seriously, who wouldn't want to read daily postings from an 85 year old priest who wears a bathrobe and hardly ever leaves the house? Considering that his day consists of three meals and about 400 blessings, Pope Benedict XVI isn't likey to be confused with Russell Brand. Now if someone can hook up Silvio Berlusconi on Twitter, that would be worth reading.

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Item

In case you think that Republicans have learned anything from their recent train wreck at the polls, here are a few clues:

The Republicans who run the state of  Oklahoma have erected a new monument at the state house...a copy of the Ten Commandments. Haven't we already had this fight?

Marco Rubio was asked in an interview by GQ magazine how old he thinks the earth is. Rather than attempt a scientific answer (4.5 billion years is the current estimate) Rubio stammered out some drivel about not being a scientist and allowing that there are many answers to that question. Presumably one of those "answers" is "considering the Flintstone's celebrate Christmas, I'm thinking 6,000 years".

It would appear that the GOP is not yet ready to step away from the Christian Right. Be prepared to see a continuation of the social issues nonsense that has plagued the Republicans since Reagan. Perhaps their candidate in 2016 will prepare a better concession speech that Romney's. He'll need it.

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Item

Cuba has decided to give its citizens a taste of twenth-first century capitalism. Beginning next year Cubans will have the privledge of paying income taxes. One would have thought the Cuban government would wait until its people actually had an income to tax. At this point, taxing the Cubans would be like taxing the homeless. (Taxing the homeless is better known as the Cantor, DeMint Plan)

...or do some people just get it?

Isitjustme has never reprinted anyone else's work in its entirety before. So why now? Because up until now I never found anything worthy of the honor. Then I saw the Letter of Eric Garland (thank you Mr. Woods).

Eric Garland is an author and, more importantly, a thinker. His "letter" is the single most concise and intelligent explanation as to why the GOP lost and will continue to lose. Enjoy!

 

Letter to a future Republican strategist regarding white people

November 9, 2012

To whom it may concern regarding the United States federal elections of 2014, 2016 and beyond:
Allow me to introduce myself to you, the existing (or aspiring!) strategist for the Republican Party. My name is Eric Arnold Garland and I am a White Man. Boy, am I ever – you need sunglasses just to look at my photo!
If I read the news correctly, I fit a profile that is of extreme importance to the GOP, as I embody the archetype that fits your narrative of Real Americans. Just how much should my profile interest you? Are you sitting down?

• My family lineage goes back to the MAYFLOWER, BOAT ONE!!! (Garland family of New England-> John Adams -> John Alden -> Plymouth colony ->KINGS OF MUTHAF***IN’ ENGLAND)
• I am a heterosexual, married to the super Caucasian mother of my two beautiful children who are, inexplicably, EVEN WHITER THAN I AM.
• I am college educated (Master’s degree!) and affluent.
• I am a job creator and small businessman.
• We pay a lot of taxes! Every year!
• I grew up in a rural area and despise laziness!
• Having started my own business, I have complained at length about the insanity of federal, state and local bureaucracy – and its deleterious impact on the innovative small businessman.
• I currently live in the suburbs in a historically Red state.

HOLY WHITE PEOPLE, BATMAN!!! Wow, you’re thinking – this is not some Mexirican in the Sun Belt we need to attract via harsh anti-Castro policies or appeals to “valores de familia” - this is the BREAD AND BUTTER OF THE GRAND OLD PARTY, a Mayflower-descended small business owner, burdened by taxation, looking out for his beautiful White family in the suburbs of a city (St Louis) surrounded by racial tension and urban blight!
How can I put this gently? My wife and I are not sensitive to your messaging, nor did we vote for the candidates you proposed for us this past Tuesday.
B-b-but, what? Aren’t we investors, hard-workin’ white folk surrounded by same in a manicured cul-de-sac, scared by a vision of economic collapse amidst the takers in a land of fewer givers? Didn’t Mitt Romney’s strong family, wealth, leadership history and chiseled chin give us the uncontrollable urge to high-five him into the White House?
No.
May I explain why not, purely for your education, such that you might be interested in winning an election on the national level at some point in the future? It bears pointing out that I should be your Low Hanging Fruit, the easy vote to get as opposed to, say, African-Americans, Latinos, or Asians – and you’re not even speaking well to me. The reasons why ought to concern you deeply.
As a Card-Carrying White Male I love expressing my opinion irrespective of whether people care to hear it, so let’s get started.
>>>>>>
Science - One of the reasons my family is affluent is that my wife and I have a collective fifteen years of university education between us. I have a Masters degree in Science and Technology Policy, and my wife is a physician who holds degrees in medicine as well as cell and molecular biology. We are really quite unimpressed with Congressional representatives such as Todd Akin and Paul Broun who actually serve on the House science committee and who believe, respectively, that rape does not cause pregnancy and that evolution and astrophysics are lies straight from Satan’s butt cheeks. These are, sadly, only two of innumerable assaults that the Republican Party has made against hard science – with nothing to say of logic in general. Please understand the unbearable tension this might create between us and your candidates.
Climate - Within just the past 18 months the following events have come to our attention: a record-breaking drought that sent temperatures over 100 degrees for weeks, killing half the corn in the Midwest and half the TREES on our suburban property – AND – a hurricane that drowned not New Orleans or Tampa or North Carolina but my native state of VERMONT. As an encore, a second hurricane drowned lower Manhattan, New Jersey and Long Island. The shouted views of decrepit mental fossil Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma that this is a fraud perpetrated on the American people by evil, conspiring climate scientists is belied by such events and is looking irresponsible to even the most skeptical.
Healthcare - My wife and I are quite familiar with America’s healthcare system due to our professions, and having lived abroad extensively, also very aware of comparable systems. Your party’s insistence on declaring the private U.S. healthcare system “the best in the world” fails nearly every factual measure available to any curious mind. We watch our country piss away 60% more expenditures than the next most expensive system (Switzerland) for health outcomes that rival former Soviet bloc nations. On a personal scale, my wife watches poor WORKING people show up in emergency rooms with fourth-stage cancer because they were unable to afford primary care visits. I have watched countless small businesses unable to attract talented workers because of the outrageous and climbing cost of private insurance. And I watch European and Asian businesses outpace American companies because they can attract that talent without asking people to risk bankruptcy and death. That you think this state of affairs is somehow preferable to “Obamacare,” which you compared ludicrously to Trotskyite Russian communism, is a sign of deficient minds unfit to guide health policy in America.
War - Nations do have to go to war sometimes, but that Iraq thing was pretty bad, to put it mildly. Somebody should have been, I dunno – FIRED for bad performance. Aren’t you the party of good corporate managers or something? This topic could get 10,000 words on its own. Let’s just leave it at: You guys suck at running wars.
Deficits and debt - Whenever the GOP is out of power, it immediately appeals to the imagination of voters who remember the Lyndon Baines Johnson (!) administration and claim that the Republican alternative is the party of “cutting spending” and “reducing the deficit.” The only problem with your claim is that Republican governments throughout my entire 38 year life (Reagan, Bush 41, Bush 43) have failed to cut spending and deficit and debt EVEN ONCE. I hope you understand that your credibility suffers every time you promise one thing for three decades and do the EXACT OPPOSITE. Egads – if you actually were the party of fiscal responsibility – you might win our votes despite your 13th century view of science!
Gay marriage - As the child of Baby Boomers who got divorced (as was the fashion!) in the 80s and 90s, and for whom 50% of my friends had their homes broken by divorce in the critical years before age 18, I sure am unsympathetic to your caterwauling bullshit that “gays will destroy the sanctity of marriage.” Perhaps if everyone in your generation didn’t take the period of 1978 – 1995 to start surreptitiously banging their neighbors and coworkers, only to abandon their kids because “they just weren’t happy,” I would take your defense of marriage more seriously. The institution of Middle Class suburban marriage was broken by the generation of aging white Baby Boomers who populate what is left of the Republican Party, so your defense is wrongheaded and disingenuous. And moreover, as someone who got called “faggot” about 127 times a day from the years 1985 through 1991 – guess what – I grew up to be pretty good friends with actual homosexuals, whose sexual orientation is usually the least significant thing about them. The Republican perseveration on homosexuals as any sort of threat consigns them to history’s trough of intellectual pig dung.
>>>>>>
That’s quite enough for one essay, wouldn’t you say? Now, given my initial description as a wealthy, hard-working, job creating, heterosexual, married suburban White Male – doesn’t your current platform look woefully insufficient to the task of gaining my vote? This doesn’t even get into the demographic tensions that show that people of my exact profile are going away permanently in America. You can’t even win on what you perceive to be “home field advantage.”
Uh oh, wait, I can already hear you through the web browser, dismissing all of my above points because THAT GUY WAS NEVER GONNA BE A REPUBLICAN ANYHOW, CUZ HE’S A LIBRUL WHO HATES AMERICA AND…
All right, let’s do one last point:
Meanness- Your party is really mean, mocking and demonizing everyone who does not follow you into the pits of hell. You constantly imply – as Mitt Romney did in his “47% speech” – that anybody who disagrees with you does so not by logic or moral conviction, but because they are shiftless, lazy parasites who want “free stuff” from “traditional Americans.” Wow, you guys managed to follow up a stunning electoral defeat with insulting the very people you wish to attract for a majority in the political system! Brilliant! You are losing elections because being angry and defensive and just-plain-mean is more important than being smart and winning elections – and thus you deserve everything happening to you.
If you want to know exactly where you failed in 2012, and will continue to fail, here it is. Look you assholes, I’m as traditional an American as it gets, and I do not “want free stuff.” I am a taxpayer, and ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I got my first job – dragging bags of cow manure, horse feed and fertilizer around a farm store – when I was 12. I started my first company when I was 28. I have followed the vast majority of the rules set out for middle class white males (for good and for ill.) And if it weren’t bad enough that your policy positions are a complete clusterfuck for the reasons I lay out in great detail, you manage to follow up the whole exercise with insulting me, my wife, and my friends of every stripe who didn’t vote for your political party – all of whom are hard-working, taxpaying, job creating, law abiding, great AMERICANS of EVERY COLOR AND CREED.
From this white, Mayflower-descended strategic analyst, allow me to offer you the three strategic options you have before you:
1. You drastically moderate your platform to harmonize with the policy positions I present above
2. You disband the party and reorganize it to reflect current realities
3. You kick and scream and stamp your feet and call me and my friends names – and submit to several decades of one party rule
While I do not want a one-party system, I also don’t particularly care which of these options you choose. If you look carefully at the numbers on Tuesday, nobody else cares, either.
Just a word to the wise from one White Man to (presumably) another.

or is biting the hand that feeds you OK if God told you to?

If you know who Angus T. Jones is you probably watch too much television. I personally have been watching young Mr. Jones in his role as the mentally challenged son of Alan Harper on CBS's Two and a Half Men for about ten years. That roughly coincides with how long the show has been running. During that time Mr. Jones' character Jake has grown from a dim-bulb child of  ten-ish into a dim-bulb 19 year old cook in the US Army. Army cooks should call their unoin about defamation. Jake has grown up on the show virtually untouched by education of any kind. Jones is currently an infrequent presence on the show, apparently coinciding with creator Chuck Lorre's feeling that stupid is only funny for so long. Program note: if you feel the need to watch really stupid people saying incredibly stupid things, Fox News has just what you're looking for.

Up until now I was pretty sure that Mr. Jones was merely playing the part of a dolt. That notion evaporated this week when a You Tube video surfaced (don't they always) that has young Angus proclaiming that Two and a Half Men is "filth" and begging his audience not to watch the show. No one should be surprised to learn that this bit of soul searching arose out of an interview with the Forerunner Christian Church, an Alabama sect with presumably fewer adherents than the audience of 2&1/2 Men.

Having just scrubbed off the stink that was Charlie Sheen, the last thing Mr. Lorre and CBS needed was viral abuse from a whelp of an actor who owes his entire professional career (and $350,000 per episode) to them. However, in a flip that would have made Mitt Romney proud, Mr. Jones has recanted. Assured that the Forerunner Church was unwilling and unable to match the $350,000 that CBS provides, Angus released a statement that is sure to make the cover of Ass Kissers of America magazine. " I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference or disrespect and lack of appreciation blah, blah.." He did everything but offer to wash Mr. Lorre's car.

Apparently Mr. Jones isn't as dumb as his character. In spite of the toxic encouragement of the afore-mentioned Charlie Sheen,  Angus must have understood that his chances of replicating the Two & 1/2 Men gig was about the same as Mr. Sheen's chances of kicking drugs and booze. (Seriously, when Charlie Sheen tells you to turn left, don't turn right. Exit the vehicle and run away.) Sheen is currently appearing in a Two & 1/2 Men ripoff called Anger Management. His audience approximates the attendance of Sunday services at the Forerunner Christian Church.

So far there has been no comment from CBS or Chuck Lorre Productions. Mr. Lorre also produces "Mike and Molly" and "The Big Bang Theory". At this point he needs Angus T. Jones like Mitt Romney needs an inauguration speech. Lorrie is famous (among those of us with too much time on our hands and a DVR) for publishing small-type screeds at the end of his shows. Whether his next effort will include anything about one-trick actors who forget how quickly Mel Gibson went from leading the Scots in rebellion to talking to a stuffed beaver, is any one's guess. If Angus Jones finds that he is no longer welcome on the set of Two & Half Men he can always find a place on the altar at the Forerunner Christian Church. The pastor can point to him as as example of "pride goeth before the fall".

or is revisionist history fun to write because all those pesky facts don't get in the way?

Detritus  11/30/12

There's an old joke about a salesman who trudged up four flights of stairs every week to reach the offices of his most obnoxious client. During one trip he was told that the client had died. Nevertheless he continued to march up those stairs every week. Finally the receptionist ask him why he kept coming back. "I told you, he's dead" "I know", said the salesman, "I just like hearing it".

That may explain the fascination that Democrats have with reading and listening to Republican writer and talkers as they attempt to explain away the pounding that Mitt Romney received on                 Nov 6, 2012. "Well yeah, but..." has been the most oft spoken intro since the Pirates beat the Yankees in 1960. (Just Google it.)

Example: "Well yeah, but the vote was really close." This lament is most often proffered by people who were so concerned about the Constitutional right to keep and bear arms, they missed the part about the electoral college. Popular votes don't mean squat. If they did, former President Gore would be presiding over the inauguration of his new library in Tennessee.  Barack Obama won 332 electoral votes out of 538. That's not close. That's not even Secretariat/Belmont Stakes close (more Googling).

Well yeah, but Obama only won because he "gave stuff" to blacks and Latins and poor, lazy people. The take-away here is that apparently black and Latinos and poor, lazy people weren't too lazy to vote. Actually, what President Obama gave to minorities was R-E-S-P-E-C- T. Find out what it means to me. It's not about social programs it's about a social conscience. If we can afford to rebuild Iraq and build Afghanistan we can afford to provide food stamps and a little healthcare to our own people. If the helium-heads on Fox and Friends think that unemployed textile workers and laid-off carpenters are fat and happy on welfare, they should talk to one. Americans want jobs but they need help. If compassion is pandering than indifference to suffering must be tough love. Good luck selling that to anyone but the Koch Bros.

Well yeah but Obama sat on the Patraeus story and lied about the killings in Benghazi.  Well, somebody smarter than me wrote that Benghazi is a tragedy looking for a scandal and Patraeus is a scandal looking for a tragedy. Seriously, No one but Fox and John McCain thinks that the administration should share every bit of intel as soon as they learn it. Ask yourself what Don Rumsfeld or Dick Cheney would have told you.  "Either way I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to" God bless Col. Nathen Jessup. Benghazi was CIA start to finish and when things went south truth was probably the first casualty. Blaming Susan Rice for the early "explanation" as to what happened is like blaming the weatherman when it rains.

Petraeus is just a late night punchline. Nothing to see here.

So, my friends, as we revel in op-ed pieces like Stuart Stevens in today's Washington Post  http://tinyurl.com/bqv7pxp or Dan Henninger in the Wall Street Journal http://tinyurl.com/bp8e67m let us stop and give thanks that the GOP has apparently learned exactly nothing from "Decision 2012". Like Karl Rove they are are still disputing the call in Ohio.

...or is the need for exorcisms increasing with the expansion of Fox News?

OK, I always thought Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends was possessed. Really, only someone controlled by the devil (or maybe Roger Ailes) could sit there day after day with that pedophile smile  and spew one blatantly untrue story after another.  I mean there just isn't any other explanation, right?

The reason for addressing the subject of exorcism is a story out of the BBC that the archdiocese of Milan is seeing a marked increase in requests for the devil extermination service among its flock. Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, the chief exorcist for the diocese, says he is getting as many as four or five calls a day regarding possession. The Monsignor says that he knows of a priest who was seeing as many as 150 people a day. He must have a booth at the mall. The only places that there are that many possessions is at the talent call-up for American Idol and the US Congress. If you consider that there are about 5 million souls in the archdiocese of Milan and there are about 1.2 billion Catholics worldwide that's, well a lot of people sharing their bodies with the dark one. (No, not Dick Cheney. The other dark one.) Note: Whether Muslims, Hindus, Presbyterians, and Atheists suffer from possession is unknown in that the reporting structure among these groups is not as organized as the RCC. It is, however safe to assume that all Scientologists are possessed.

Anyway, the Monsignor has instituted a hotline that Catholics in Milan can call if and when they feel that old black magic has them in a spell or if their neighbor begins to exhibit odd signs like being able to show off their new haircut without turning their body. The Church in Rome has admitted to training many more priests in the exorcism ritual while continuing to assert that actual possessions are extremely rare. So if possession is rare why not train doctors and shrinks? I profess no specific knowledge in this area but if you think you're possessed and it's only gas, shouldn't the Church recommend Alka-Seltzer rather than a visit from Max VonSydow? There is no epidemic of possessions, just an increase in Catholics spending too much time watching Linda Blair levitate.

The hotline only operates from 2:30 PM to 5:00 PM on weekdays. So if the devil decides your body would be a lovely place to spend the weekend, you're out of luck 'til Monday aft. It was not made clear if possessions are most common on weekday afternoons or if that's just the best time to purge evil spirits. I would have thought first thing in the morning was best, while they're still groggy.

Whether or not possession is on the rise, I find it troubling that the Church isn't taking a more active role in extermination. After all, if they wait to be called all the sneaky devils will go undetected. Take for instance the evil spirit that inhabits Donald Trump's hair. That's just vile. Or the unclean spectre that has made a home in Herman Cain's head. (Hello! 999 -666?) It might not hurt to take a look at Nancy Pelosi and Dennis Kucinich either. And how about Ted Nugent? If he were to undergo an exorcism, all that would remain would be a massively overrated musician.

Sadly I was not able to discover the actual phone number for the hotline. I tried 1-800- POSSESSED, 1-800-LUCIFER and 1-866-HEADSPIN but nothing so far. It's possible that the Church knows that, with truly possessed people, the devil will know the number. Very crafty. Still wouldn't the unclean spirit try to prevent you from calling the holywater hotline? Well, whatever the reason for the increase in possessions we know that the RCC is on the job. Still, if you need them to come to your house make sure you don't live next to any long stairways.

...or is command of our forces in Afghanistan in the capable hands of sexual sophmores?

"and when the radical priest come and get me released we were all on the cover of Newsweek"
Paul Simon "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard"

So what's the over/under on how many months it will take for Paula Broadwell to be on Celebrity Apprentice? She has already begun her walk of shame through the media gauntlet. She was lampooned by Bill Maher, mercilessly mocked by Saturday Night Live (seriously, even I felt bad for her) and been shredded by every late night comic with a microphone. I believe the correct phrase is "being Lewinskyed". Titling her book about General David Patraeus "All In" is just the cherry on the sundae.

Still, it's not as if Ms. Broadwell is blameless. Not only was she setting up light housekeeping with America's most popular war hero in a tent in Kabul, she wanted the world to know it.  No one over the age of seven who is trying to keep a secret puts anything incriminating in email. Any Afghan goat herder will tell you that. Ms. Broadwell is many things but dumb is not among them. Being done in by a rogue FBI agent in Florida who was trying to score a date with Tampa gadfly Jill Kelly was bad luck but inevitable.  (Ms. Kelly is described as a "Tampa socialite" which means that she always scores the best table at the International House of Pancakes.) Nevertheless Paula's coupling with Patraeus would have come out soon enough.  Ms. Kelly meanwhile, was also interested in outing her own flirtation with her four-star fan boy General John Allen. If you're trying to keep a relationship secret, you don't invite the FBI to snoop through your unmentionable internet correspondence. (See also "goat herder" above.)

General Allen, who thus far appears to have confined his amorous affectations to the written word, was nonetheless able to author some 20,000 pages of flirtatious fluff over the last year or so.  (If Gen Allen's career in the Marines should fizzle, he has a promising future as a ghost writer for E L James, author of "50 Shades of Grey".) Apparently, commanding the coalition forces in Afghanistan is not as time consuming as one would suppose. Additionally, what is it about the job of commanding the International Security Assistance force in Afghanistan that causes dedicated military commanders to wander off the marital reservation? Something in the water? Certainly not the burlap covered natives. Why would a commander with such a sterling reputation as General Allen suddenly feel the need to wear out a keyboard sending bon mots to a middle-aged married tootsie in Florida? Did he not have Beyonce's email address?

Some things are clear: in a post 9-11 world, the FBI must be reminded that the Patriot Act does not grant them unlimited access to personal correspondence, especially in furtherance of one's amorous ambitions.  Hoover is dead. Also, America is reminded once again that great men are capable of horrid judgement where women are concerned.  Had General Patraeus held any other job but head of the CIA, his indiscretions might have been overlooked. We're not France yet.  As it is we have lost a capable leader to an unfortunate sexual liaison that was unworthy of him. Patraeus can recover (he's only 60) but for the moment he is consigned to warming the wasteland bench next to Anthony Weiner.

And so, what have we learned from this farce? 1) Every general who receives a fourth star should be required to read every news report of L'affaire Patraeus and then sign a pledge to keep his pants zipped. 2) For as long as it lasts, the conduct of the War in Afghanistan must be commanded from a mess hall in Fort Lennard Wood, Missouri. Afghanistan is clearly too sexy for senior officers. 3) The city of Tampa must be declared off-limits to field grade officers and above. 4) All correspondence from general officers must be cleared by their wives, mothers and the Legion of Decency. 5) If your life story needs a ghostwriter, call Casper.

...or are Californians less concerned with the quality of their food than the quality of their drugs?

For those of you out there with actual lives, you may not have noticed a ballot proposition that was voted down in California  last election day. Titled Prop 37, (catchy, eh?) the proposal would have required companies that sell packaged foods in California to label any product that contained genetically modified ingredients. On the face of it, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea. With some exceptions (hot dogs, brats, Hormel corn beef hash come to mind) it might be nice to know what Kellogg's is putting in my Frosted Flakes and what John Tyson is stuffing in his chickens. Allowing consumers to make informed choices should not require complex legislation.

Ah but you're not in agri-business. Turns out that Monsanto, Conagra, Kellogg's  and several other corporate giants have an enormous stake in how information on ingredients is disseminated. Quite simply they don't think it's any of your business and they don't want you to know. More to the point, these companies spent many millions of dollars to defeat Prop 37. Their attitude is simple, shut up and buy that peanut butter, and jelly and bread. The stuff is perfectly safe....take our word for it. Actually, you'll have to because we're not telling you jack. Note: California, a state known for its progressive attitudes and hippie ideals has twice been flipped by advertising campaigns. Remember they also voted against gay marriage thanks to the kill-joy Mormons and their deep pockets. Californians are either very impressionable or the pot is rendering them very pliable.

As anyone who has ever been stuck in a doctor's office reading a magazine can tell you, virtually all of the corn and soy in America is genetically modified. The crops have been altered to make them more resistant to bugs and disease. So far as anyone knows, modifications have not damaged either the nutritional content of the grains nor rendered them unfit for consumption. The operative phrase being "so far as anyone knows". So called frankenfood is banned in much of Europe simply because no one knows if screwing with the DNA of a wheat plant can, over time, cause shriveled testicles in humans or cause one's teeth to rot. Except for the Brits who apparently aren't concerned about the teeth thing, Europeans pay attention to such matters.  In America we are a more trusting lot.

As part of the so-called "food movement" some Californians got together and decided that whether or not you feed GMO to your toddlers should be a choice. Unlike the paternal regulations imposed by Father Bloomberg in New York, no one in California was trying to ban anything. Prop 37 only asked (OK, ordered) big agri-biz to share information about what they were loading into our Pillsbury Cornbread Mix. From the reaction engendered from the agri-folks you would have thought that they were going to be required to make asparagus ice cream and brussel sprout cola. Quotes like " Prop 37 will use the coercive power of the state to strong-arm Americans into eating fashionably" appeared in ads and op-edits throughout the state. Who says consultants don't earn their fees?

In any event, the "none of your GD business" forces were triumphant. Like the rest of us, Californians will continue to stuff their faces with god-knows-what  made god-knows-how. We will continue to "trust" big agri. That would be the same big agri that needed laws before they would pasteurize milk, specify on the label the ingredients and  nutritional content of packaged foods and, allow beef and chickens to be inspected for e coli and salmonella. I'm confident that each one of these draconian restrictions to fair trade were met with the same cries of strong-arming and coercive power.

But we must remember that big agri-business is our friend. They provide the finest quality foods at the lowest possible prices. And because they only have our best interest at heart we will try to forget Tyson Foods dumping insane quantities of waste products into the groundwater in Missouri and Kentucky, or JB Swift Meats record of recalls for e coli or their use of thousands of illegal workers, or The Kellogg's recall of 28 million boxes of breakfast cereal due to contamination by (write this down) 2-methylnaphthalene. Even the EPA isn't sure about this stuff. And so, until the people of California or some other state rise up and demand to know what's in their Wheaties, we will all paraphrase the Dixie Chicks and "shut up and eat".

...or can reading editorials make you wonder who actually won the election?

Gloating is unseemly and undignified. We here at isitjustme would never lower ourselves to revel in the misfortune of others. Raising our hands to our nose and wiggling our fingers at a vanquished opponent is not our style. Mono-digital salutes or (shudder!) mooning a fallen adversary is not the cut of our jib. The extended hand of  good fellowship and the acknowledgement of a contest well played will always be our preferred mode of operation. In any event there is one fact upon which both sides can agree: no one gives a shit how Florida went.

That said, we can hardly be faulted for the slight tingle one feels as you watch your defeated adversary begin to contemplate the miscalculations and blunders that caused him to finish second in a two-person contest. Ah schadenfreude! Schadenfreude is a German word for taking pleasure in the pain of others. Is anyone surprised that the Germans have a word for this? So it was with a happy heart that I flipped to the editorial pages of the Wall Street Journal that I might bask in that dish best served cold.  I was however, doomed to disappointment. Not only was there no recrimination, no  soul-searching and no hand wringing but, based upon what I read, I was not even sure who had won.

I began with Fred Barnes, a smart savvy Conservative journalist and political pundit whose primary claim to fame is that he predicted the election of John McCain for president in 2008. Polls and prognosticators be damned, Fred just had a feeling. Anyway, Mr. Barnes' take on the events of Nov 6 were echoed in most of what I read from Paul Gigot, guru of the Journal's edit page, Dan Henninger, political columnist and even-handed observer and Karl Rove, former GWB Rasputin and current sycophant on Fox News. (I'm surprised Rove had time to write the column. I imagined he was still in the Fox newsroom explaining to Chris Wallace why it was still too early to call Ohio for Obama.)

Barnes and Co. mostly began by congratulating President Obama for running one of the slickest, nastiest, unprincipled and ruthless campaigns this side of Vladimir Putin. This from the gang that maligned John Kerry for his military service, intimating he bought his purple hearts at Target. The Democrats were praised for painting Mitt Romney as an out-of-touch elitist with too much wealth and too little charm or empathy. Gee, I don't know why the Democrats bothered. Romney was doing a marvelous job of painting that picture all on his own. (When your wife has to go on television and tell the world you're funny, you're probably not.)  

Barnes went on to say that this election proved nothing and left us exactly where we were before. That's not entirely true. We learned that the American people are a tad smarter that we thought. They grasped the distinction between job-creator and corporate shark. They showed an astute understanding of candidates who put people over profit. They rejected a candidate who, in an attempt to stand for everything, stood for nothing. Mitt Romney's religion never became an issue but his beliefs were there for all to see.

George Will in the Washington Post said that the Republicans were victims of demography. I couldn't agree more but regardless of what Jan Brewer of Arizona says all those Latinos didn't just arrive on Nov 6th. The issue isn't whether minorities are coddled by Democrats. It's that they are constantly denigrated by Republicans. "Hey gringo, you don't have to kiss my ass, just stop kicking it."

Naturally, most of the writers I read were eager to cast aspersions on everyone but their candidate.  It was the New York Times' fault. It was Hurricane Sandy. It was that hotel employee in S. Florida who deceitfully taped Gov. Romney reminding his rich backers about the difference between "us" and "them". It was Romney's dog for complaining to The Huffington Post about his travel accommodations on a vacation. Ungrateful cur. It was Ann Romney's horse for finishing poorly at the Olympics.

Why is no one on the Right saying the obvious: it's impossible to present yourself as a moderate in Massachusetts, a neocon nut-job in a primary and a moderate in a general election. Don't take my word for it. Ask the small army of  too-liberal Democrats who ran against Nixon, Reagan, and      Bush 41. It wasn't until Bill Clinton that the Democrats got the message. The tea party doesn't need to be abolished (good luck with that) they need to be restrained.

OK enough of this. The election is over and we can now go back to gridlock in Congress. As for me, I'm on my way out to buy a copy of The Weekly Standard. Maybe I'll moon the RNC on the way home.

...or are Presidential elections like passing a kidney stone?

Forget the Presidential election outcome. Anyone paying the slightest attention to Nate Silver and the 528 Blog knew how this would play out. Chris Christie punctured Mitt Romney's last victory balloon when he complimented Barack Obama for being Presidential. Show over. Check please.

Whether you approve of the results of "Campaign 2012, The Race For the White House" or not, you cannot help but be impressed/disheartened by the choices made in the Congressional races. At a time when the entire country is complaining about the Keystone Cops that make up the House and Senate (15% approval rating the last time I looked) well over 300 House members will be reelected. In the Senate it's about 60%. So why does the entire country want every Senator and Congressman replaced..except theirs? How is it that no one gets the fact that if you continue to send the same ideologues back to the Congress, you will continue to get the same gridlock? (see also "Definition of Madness")

The echos of Mitt Romney's concession speech were still rattling around that Boston convention hall when John Boehner stated that the return of a Republican majority to the House of Representatives was a clear signal that the American people do not want any tax increase. Really? That's your takeaway? Jim DeMint of South Carolina has already come out in opposition to any compromise with Democrats. An attitude like that should get you a time-out not a Senate seat. Gentlemen, the American people want compromise. They want governance. They want something, anything but what we have had for the last two years. No one is suggesting that Republicans abandon their principles but how is it that so many Congresspeople missed the class in first grade when we were told that to get something you have to give something. When did give and take become all or nothing?

Yes, it's true that isitjustme leans a bit to the left but, if you're honest about it you must admit that all the obstructionism is coming from the Right. That enormous ass-hat Richard Mourdock stated flatly in his acceptance speech as GOP candidate for Senator from Indiana that his idea of compromise was my way or no way. Thankfully Indiana was unimpressed. More about him later. Paul Ryan retained his House seat even after admitting to: 1) requesting TARP money, 2) voting for Stimulus, 3) voting for Medicare part D and, he voted for the auto industry bailout. These are not Teabagger positions and in another year might earn you a primary challenge from the far right of your party. Nevertheless, Ryan voted to serve his conscience and his party. We call that governing.

Being an elected official means representing the best interests of both your constituents and your country. Hell, the Tea Party only exists because a substantial group of Americans felt that the government no longer represented them. The problem arose when the neocons hijacked the movement and molded the argument into one about bigotry, small-mindedness and Christian fanaticism.

But I digress.

There were a few bright spots in the numbers from Tuesday. The two most disreputable Senate candidates: Todd Akin of Missouri and the aforementioned Richard Mourdock of Indiana were defeated in races that should never have been close.

Akin, a Congressman from suburban St. Louis, was running against Democratic incumbent Claire McCaskill. McCaskill was elected in the big Democratic sweep of 2006 but, she's a Democrat in Missouri. Just to help the GOP along, she even had a minor scandal involving a private plane and who was paying for the gas. Akin is a tea bagger neocon in a conservative state. The Republican Senate Caucus was warming a chair for Mr. Akin's expected arrival in 2013. He was a lock...until he was interviewed in August on KTVI-TV St. Louis and gave his now-famous "legitimate rape" soliloquy. McCaskill immediately stopped packing up her office and the GOP ran from Akin as if he had fallen into a septic tank. He still managed almost 40% of the vote, presumably none of those votes were from rape victims or doctors.

Richard Mourdock took a slightly different road to the nomination but managed the same moronic gaff as Mr. Akin. Mourdock had beaten the hugely popular and long serving incumbent from Indiana, Richard Lugar in a nasty primary.   Mourdock was the teabagger darling who eschewed compromise and mocked Sen. Lugar as the sell-out appeaser he was. (To be fair, Lugar is 80 years old and hasn't maintained a residence in Indiana since 1977.) Indiana went for Obama in 2008 but, by and large is a fairly conservative red state. His opponent was Joe Donnelly, a Democrat in name only. Donnelly is anti-abortion, pro gun nut, anti immigrant, etc. The teabaggers must have been delirious. Anyway, Mr. Mourdock, following in the footsteps of Smilin' Todd Akin allowed that rape, if it resulted in a pregnancy, was somehow God's will. Joe Donnelly immediately ran to the nearest Catholic Church and made a novena of thanks. God's will also included the defeat of Richard Mourdock at the polls on Tuesday.

So my friends, what have we learned from this exercise in civic responsibility?  Following the election of 2008 when bizarro candidates like Sharron Angle and Christine O'Donnell were sent packing by the electorate, the GOP learned exactly nothing. Candidates like Akin and Mourdock will continue to win GOP primaries and, if they can learn to govern their mouths, get elected. Nevertheless we should be grateful to the good people of Missouri and Indiana for coming to their senses and realizing that teabagger candidates are toxic. They produce only two things: fodder for the nightly news and Democratic victories. Good riddance.

...or is it possible to leave your manhood at the luggage counter at Nordstrom's?

As many of you know, last Sunday was my birthday. (Sixty-five; Thanks for asking). Anyway, at this point in my life I am a pain in the shorts to shop for.  Gifts for me fall into two and only two groups: stuff that's too expensive to contemplate seriously ( sports jacket, computers, dentures, etc.) and stuff that is sufficiently cheap that,when needed, I can buy for myself like sweaters, cute golf club head covers, shaving mugs (seriously does anyone actually use these things more than twice?). This issue makes birthdays, Christmas, and anniversaries a torturous exercise for my spouse.

I've tried making lists during the year when I see something I might like but no one can ever locate the list in early October or mid December.  It might be useful to run out and buy a gift on the day after a possible present is discovered but really, no one is that organized. 

This brings us to this year's birthday gift from my lovely spouse.  On the fourteenth of October I was presented with a rich-looking box from Tumi. Inside ...a man bag; a purse by any other name.

We need to get a few issues out of the way:   First, no man ever bought a man-bag for himself. The only male person ever to purchase one of these things bought it for his boyfriend. Not a homophobic slur, just a fact. Most men don't feel the need to carry a bunch of junk around in a clutch. God created pockets that we might carry wallets, keys, combs (what man needs a brush?), money and handkerchief ( a dying affectation). Sure, a beach bag makes sense and in ancient times, a camera bag made hauling lenses and film a virtual necessity. Laptop computers have made varying types of briefcases de rigueur but for everyday use, not so much. I'm sorry but any man over eighteen who walks the streets wearing a backpack has never looked at himself in a mirror.

Imagine dropping your man-bag on the bar at the Killarney Rose or Vito's Bar and Grille. Can you picture the grief you'll get when you toss your bag on to the scorers table at Stillson's Bowling Alley...unless, of course your purse can accommodate a bowling ball. What about meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time or applying for a new job at the steel mill? Good luck explaining your choice of accessories to Spike, the guy next to you on the assembly line. Truthfully, anything you wear that requires an explanation is a bad idea. No one needs to explain an umbrella.

Besides, the dirty little secret about man-bags is that before you know it, you will start hauling tons of junk that you don't need just because you have someplace to put it.  Don't take my word for it. Ask your wife. That pack of Altoids that's been in your desk since you got hired, sure, let's bring it. You never know. The train schedule that you have had memorized for fifteen years, why not? That tire pressure gauge that you can never find when you need it, absolutely. Tissues, change, stamps, fifteen or twenty extra photos of your grandchild. Holy crap I need a bigger bag.

OK I admit it, the bag works pretty well if you're traveling and if you have an ipad... and a map...and a Frommer's guide...and a brochure from the tourist attraction you just visited. Really, no one with an once of self-respect would be caught dead wearing a fanny pack. Carried like a messenger bag I'm less likely to leave my $700 Apple tablet in a church pew in Prague or a Rathskeller in Wurtzburg. Ohmygod! I've had the thing for less than a week and I'm already thinking about a matching scarf. (OK maybe that was a bit homophobic.) The point is, I'm not taking it back. I'll make an effort to use it for vacations and for local outings. Who knows? If it's big enough maybe I can bring my shaving mug to Europe.

...or are sequels the ultimate guilty pleasure?

This is not a political rant. I said no politics for a while and I meant it. However it can't be denied that there is a striking correlation between Barack Obama and "Taken 2". So, exactly how can you compare the President of the United States to a ham-handed stinker of a sequel? Easy, America loves a second act.

In 2008 Liam Neeson appeared in a throw-away action thriller called Taken. For those of you who spend all of your time reading  Proust, the story involves a family-loving, former CIA tough guy who rescues his daughter from white slavers. As action flicks go, it's pretty good. The hero never doubts for a minute that he will succeed and there is the appropriate amount of guy stuff i.e. torture, mayhem and the discharging of more rounds than at Gettysburg. The movie was well worth the price of the popcorn.

Do we need another one? Absolutely not. Is there the slightest chance that "Taken 2" will live up to our modest expectations? No. Will we go see it? Without a doubt. Why?

With films like "The Master", "The Intouchables" and of course "Frankenweenie" available, why would anyone fork over $12.50 to see a movie that's sure to disappoint? Because we want to relive the thrill of the first encounter. We're hoping for a second helping of adrenalin as Liam Neeson rages across Europe in the single-minded pursuit of the fiends who took his daughter. This is the same sort of "hope over experience" that lead us to sit through "Rocky 2 thru 5" (Plus "Rocky Balboa", a sad attempt to resuscitate both Balboa and Stallone. Both resulted in TKO's. )  We've witnessed Rambo 1-4, Terminator 1-4 (with a fifth supposedly on the way). Hell, even the parody got a sequel (see, Hot Shots, Part Deux) It's not that we are looking for a continuation of the story like The Godfather or even Raiders of the Lost Ark. We just liked the experience of the first film and want more of the same.

Which brings us to Barack Hussein Obama.

By any measure, Barack Obama should be scouring the real estate section of the Chicago Tribune for a new home in Hyde Park and calling the University of Chicago about teaching vacancies. Unemployment is still high, Iran is still a threat and he just finished second in a debate to a guy with the warmth of a bag of finishing nails. In a rational universe, the Obamas should be having the White House towels re-monogrammed with an "R". That, however, is not the current situation. Why? Because we want the sequel. We want to recapture that magic night in Chicago in Nov 2008 when a new face, a black face, told us that anything was possible.

The President has a winning personality and, has lived the Horatio Alger, rags to riches story. We root for guys like this and want to watch them overcome obstacles on the road to success. Obama is the guy who, having never flown a plane, is forced to take the controls and land the aircraft safely. He's the guy who grabs the machine gun when the fighting is the heaviest and leads his squad up the hill. We love this guy because he is one of us.

Romney is the pretty-boy rich kid who mocks our hero. He has never had to work at the mall or give out rented bowling shoes at the local lanes. From the moment he appears in the story we root for his failure. We can't wait for the skinny poor kid to learn karate or win the track meet and kick his ass. Nobody pulls for the rich guy and nobody is pulling for Romney. People may vote for him but no one will applaud his success.

So while the 20plex is filling up with people cheering for Liam Neeson to decimate the entire Muslim population of Istanbul, let's try to remember why we can't get enough of this junk. Rooting for the Good Guy is in our DNA.

...or do people watch Presidential debates for the same reason they watch NASCAR...hoping for an horrific wreck?

No more politics for a while.
Seriously, anything I could add to the torrent of opinions flowing through America, no one would want to hear anyway. I'm out.

OK, on to other things:

Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote a book about his life. Anyone who felt that life as we know it was incomplete without knowing every detail of The Governator's life please raise your dumbbell. No the other dumbbell.

Apparently Arnold felt that just lifting this tome would improve your girlie muscles. Weighing in at 700 pages this opus is the creakiest vehicle to come out of Austria since the Von Trapps yodeled their way across the Alps in a rusty rickshaw. Schwarzenegger's rise to Governor of California is proof  that it's possible for the circus to elect a clown as ringmaster, or in this case, the strong man. Arnold's rise to fame is interesting in a "magazine article in a doctor's office" sort of way but this book presumes more gravitas than the new testament, in that both principal players think they're God.

OK, so Schwarzenegger is a curiosity... like Lincoln's visage in a potato chip. His rise to fame is nothing if not unconventional. True, we've had other politicians who came from seemingly incongruous careers. We've: a professional wrestler (Jesse "the body" Ventura), the purser on the Love Boat (Fred Grandy) and of course the man whose movie co-star was a primate (Ronald Wilson Reagan). Nevertheless, experience has taught us that with the right amount of ego, a dollop of drive, the right wife (a Kennedy would be nice) and some really good timing, almost anything is possible. (If you don't believe it, check the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.)

The problem with biographies written by megalomaniacs is that they wear out the "I" key on the keyboard. Gov. S. is no exception. "I was right about this...I did the right thing there...I took the right roles" (Insert your own Austrian accent for all quotes.) Even discussing stupid decisions, like accepting the role of Kalidor in Red Sonia (and compounding the felony by shtupping his co-star, Brigitte Nielsen) Arnold has an excuse. "They gave me a Humvee full of Euros." (My quote, not his.) When you control the word processor, it's easy to make yourself sound like Pacino or Redford even with tomato-cans like "Junior"," Red Heat" and "Conan the Destroyer" on your resume. It's OK to cop to the money ($17 mil in some cases) but please don't make it sound like playing opposite Sinbad in "Jingle All the Way" was an artistic achievement.

When the subject of Arnold's casual relationship with casual marital fidelity surfaces, our hero acts as if these transgressions are of no more consequence than littering. Among his transgressions was playing a little Upstairs Downstairs with the hired help. Unfortunately, when your peccadilloes result in unwanted offspring you got some 'splaining to do. (The last famous man to try to grow his own household staff was Thomas Jefferson...but I digress.) True to the code The Governator sticks out his chin as he recounts his "come to Jesus" conversation with his soon-to-be ex-wife, the long-suffering Maria Shriver. Arnold, ever the manly man, admits to fathering a child with the cleaning lady. Naturally, the Gov. glosses over the fact that the boy was practically shaving before he made his "manly" confession. Schwarzenneger treats his other dalliances as boyish indiscretions. The actual recorded incidents of the Governor's groping of women (too numerous to recount) puts one in mind of another Arnold...the Pig.

The book ends before Schwarzenneger is forced to explain why, after 43 years of acting experience (and at 65 years old), he is still turning out dreck like "The Expendibles 2"  and "Triplets". (A movie intended to finally resolve those unanswered questions left hanging at the conclusion of "Twins") Apparently a side of beef, even a slightly moldy one, still has appeal.

Anyway, after the "60 Minutes" interview, a trip to see Jon Stewart and, about thirty reviews of the book, I'm about done with Governor Muscles and his metoeric rise to stardom. If I feel the need to fill up on junk, I'll grab "Pumping Iron". It's sort of a "how to kill a lot of time" story for people who don't have Wi-Fi.  Hey, at least I won't get a hernia bringing it home.

...or are "victims" hiding in all political philosophies?

While the world was basking in the afterglow of "the speech" delivered by former President Bill Clinton, I happened across a book review on the Opinion page of The Wall Street Journal. (Don't ask.) Anyway, the book is called "The Victim's Revolution, The Rise of Identity Studies and the Closing of the Liberal Mind". (Mostly I hate secondary titles. They attempt to encapsulate 400 pages into one sentence.)

The book deals with examining recently fashioned academic disciplines such as Women's Studies, Chicano Studies, Gay and Lesbian Studies and, on the fringe, Fat Studies. (Fat Studies is actually a field of study available at Oregon State University.) It's easy to dismiss these academic pursuits as fad programs or "easy A" courses akin to Film Study and Geology. (No offense to Film and Geology Majors.) However, the greater point is that, from a learning prospective these courses and majors provide a monolithic prism from which to view the world and, in fact, all of the world's knowledge.

The danger of Women's Studies (and I'm not picking on Women's Studies) is not the objective correction of history written mostly by men but acceptence of the idea that all presented facts are suspect because of their origin. At that point the courses become less about knowledge and more about affirmation. Education is not supposed to be 'us vs them'. Learning should never be therapy. It is proper for students to question accepted wisdom but not exclusively because of its origin. The facts of an issue don't change for lesbian students merely because they are taught in a Lesbian Studies discipline. Academic prisms are destructive because they are not selective. If a black student is taught that every issue in his life must be examined through the prism of his race, he has no hope of ever viewing the wider world with any sort of objectivity. There are no black bakers. Cakes are created the same way for all races.

The reason for addressing this topic here is that I have continually taken the Right to task for creating the Victim Society among groups who had, heretofore, never considered themselves victims. "There's a War on Christmas" Christians are told even as they marvel at how fast the Santa Claus's appear after Halloween. "White People are getting screwed" screams right-wing radio although few white people would trade places with even the richest black man. "All media has a liberal bias" says those TV stations and radio who pander to the Right. "Latins are taking over American culture" scream people with names like O'Reilly (Irish), Hannity (also Irish) Charles Kruthhammer (German) and Van Susteren (Irish, Dutch, Icelandic, French and German). Not a Native-American in the bunch. If you see yourself as a victim, facts notwithstanding, then it's easier to condone true victimization of others. If the diversity practices of a university causes harm to a white applicant, whites are the victims. Forget that the policy only exists because of the centuries' old practice of excluding minorities of all stripes.

So what have we learned? That fairness is 1) an illusion? 2) a goal? or 3) a saleable commodity like church indulgences? Perhaps we discover that for as warm and comforting as victimhood feels, aside from fact-based situations (the Jews in Europe, the Armenians in 1915) we are only really victims if we choose to be. So, university students, by all means take courses that glorify your culture and social circumstance. Just beware of the sirens of excuses who want to convert you to the culture of victimhood. Besides, if you get a D in Chicano studies, you can't complain that you were cheated because you were born in Venezuela.

..or is there a price to pay for peeing in the shallow end of the gene pool?

Granted, it's a bit classless to chuckle at the death of another human being but...

Randy Lee Tenley of Kalispell, Montana decided that a bigfoot sighting in his town would be just the thing to liven up a dull summer. Randy Lee proceeded to acquire a ghillie suit from the local army surplus store. (Ghillie suits are camouflage costumes worn by snipers. The wearer appears to be a pile of leaves and moss.) He then donned the suit and ventured out to scare and confound the citizenry of Kalispell. Sadly, Randy Lee's plan went sideways when he lumbered onto a road at night and was hit by a 15 year-old driver. Randy was hit again by another car who clearly took him for a pile of dead leaves and moss. (Kudos to the suit maker.) Whether either driver reported an encounter with a Sasquatch was not made clear.

Kalispell, MT is hardly the Area 51 of bigfoot activity. At certain times of the year you're lucky to see any form of homo erectus. Why Mr. Tenley thought that a Sasquatch invasion would improve the quality of life in his town is a secret that died with him.

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On a completely unrelated topic:

Did anyone notice that Mark Sanford, former Governor of South Carolina, is engaged to be married to Maria Belan Chapur. Who? Mayhaps you have forgotten Mr. Sanford and his contribution to the lexicon of American euphemism. While Markie was governor, he mysteriously disappeared for six days and told his staff he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail". Turns out the Appalachian Trail has a little-known detour that leads directly to the Buenos Aires apartment of Ms. Chapur.

As was subsequently revealed, this was not Governor Sanford's first hike and mostly at the expense of the good people of South Carolina. Being a good Republican ( see also "Wide Stance" Larry Craig) the Governor declined to resign. His own party tried to have him impeached but the Democrats of SC, delighted to leave him twisting in the wind, blocked most attempts. Sanford denied that he used State funds to further his Argentinean agenda. Having said that, he wrote the State a check to cover the misappropriated funds. His wife resigned from their marriage.

Well, that was 2009 and former Governor Sanford has maintained a moderately low profile. The definition of low profile among South Carolina Republicans is that you take a gig at Fox News, never to be taken seriously again. (As opposed to a gig at MSNBC where, chances are, you were never taken seriously to begin with.) However, true love will out. It was reported that in August Mr. Sanford proposed to the lovely Ms. Chapur. Apparently, Sanford hid in the men's room while a waiter told Ms. Chapur that she had won a prize and presented the ring. Thankfully, Gov. Sanford didn't encounter Larry Craig in the toilet or the story might have taken a ghastly turn.

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and if you can spell non sequitur...

Seriously, does anyone actually read Prince Valiant in the comics any more? Are there folks out there that feel their Sunday is incomplete without a visit to Val? I love the comics but I'm a geezer. I check Doonesbury and Dilbert every day. I even look at Beetle Baily though that hasn't been relevant since the Korean War. I would read B.C. and the Wizard of Id also but they're not in the Wash. Post.

Comics are the ultimate anachronism. It was probably the first part of a newspaper that you read as a kid. The Funny Papers were the only part of the printed newspaper that parents could share with the kids. Strips like Mary Worth, Blondie and the Katzenjammer Kids were followed the way Justin Bieber is followed on Twitter. People cared about Lil Orphan Annie and Dick Tracy. Gasoline Alley, and Lil Abner were homilies and miniature morality tales. The strips evoked smiles rather than laughs. Stuff like two-way wrist radios (Dick Tracy) and secret decoder rings (Lil Orphan Annie) were part of the lexicon in America for generations. Ah! where are the Andy Capp's of yesteryear?

...or has GOP come to mean God's Own Party?

Never has the hand of God been seen more clearly than in the Almighty's attempts to disrupt the Republican National Convention scheduled to begin today in Tampa, FL.

This is not the first time that the Supreme Being has used weather to send a message to the GOP. No one remembers the 2008 Republican Convention for anything except the birth of Sarah Palin (she was born fully formed from the brain of John McCain). What everyone forgets is that there was an attempt at Divine Intervention there as well. The convention was held in St. Paul, MN which as we all know, is not exactly hurricane central. Nevertheless the expected, or unexpected arrival of Hurricane Gustav caused several departures from the original schedule of events.Although the message the Almighty was attempting to convey, "send that moron in the red suit and glasses back to Alaska" went unheeded, he was at least able to keep George W. Bush from speaking live at the convention. (The sigh of relief was audible in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.) Absolutely no one in the GOP wanted the words "George W. Bush" and "hurricane" uttered in the same sentence. Instead "W" addressed the convention via satellite from an undisclosed, secure location. God was apparently satisfied that the Republicans got part of the message and the storm passed several hundred miles to the east.

Now we arrive at the 2012 edition of the Republican National Confab. Having learned exactly nothing from their brush with disaster in '08, the GOP decided to hold this year's party in Tampa, Florida...on the coast...in August. Jeez! Why not the Bermuda Triangle? Well, God knows a gauntlet when one is thrown down and He was ready. This time, in case anyone missed the subtlety, the storm is named Isaac, as in son of Abraham (presumably calling it Yahweh was a bit showy). The Almighty's efforts are having a much more profound impact this time around. The storm has already forced the cancellation of the worst speaker to address a convention since Pat Buchanan told Republicans it was OK to be racist in 1992. Donald Trump is out. (For the love of God, who thought this chowderhead would add anything but derision to the GOP message?)

Rumor has it that Trump attempted to bribe God into sending the hurricane to North Carolina next week but the Almighty wasn't having any (the Dems are convening in Charlotte on Sept 4th).

Everybody's favorite religious asshat, Michele Bachmann, was, as usual, ready to interpret the meteorological message from On-High. Ms. Bachmann has been the GOP's go-to medium for divining God"s messages in storms and various teapot tempests. It was Rep. Bachmann who, in 2011, famously proffered that the east coast earthquake and Hurricane Irene were messages from The Almighty to Washington. "I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of politicians." The possibility that God was telling Republicans to leave National Healthcare alone never crossed her mind. (If a butterfly flapping its wings in Mongolia can cause the Santa Ana winds in Mexico, how much damage must Michele Bachmann's flapping mouth be causing in Asia?)

The prophet from Minnesota's Sixth has delved deep into her crystal and has seen God's metaphorical hand in the weather plaguing Florida this week. Speaking to the Florida Family Policy Council, Michele suggested that "...we are looking at a political hurricane in our land." WOW! Move over Nostradamus. Fortunately for the attendees at the Convention, Rep. Bachmann will get no closer to the speakers rostrum than she is today, which is a parking lot at the Olive Garden. Still, delegates crazy enough to sit in the convention hall throughout Tuesday and Wednesday will suffer speeches from Scot Walker of Wisconsin, Bob McDonald of Virginia, Rick Santorum from Bethlehem, Bobby Jindal from The Big Bang Theory, and Newt Gingrich from The Dating Game. In an attempt at whimsy the GOP plans to schedule Rob Portman, Tim Paulenty and Connie Mack but not announce who will speak when. Delegates will then be quizzed as to which is which. Prizes will be awarded.

The featured speakers will include Chris Christie who will reinforce his credentials to be President at the same time the engineers at the convention reinforce the stage. Nikki Haley, Governor of South Carolina, will speak about life in the craziest state in the Union and Marco Rubio will discuss how his family escaped Castro's Cuba three years before Castro's Cuba actually was Castro's Cuba. (Maybe Michele Bachmann saw Castro's eventual rise in a storm cloud and warned the Rubios.)

Sadly, the real fun-lovers like Sharron Angle, Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell, Herman Cain and Todd Akin will be missing from the program. No one wants to be reminded about how batshit this crowd really is. Only serious politicians like Callista Gingrich, Newt's current accessory and Luce Vela, first lady of Puerto Rico are allowed to address the throng. Susana Martinez Governor of New Mexico will also speak, assuming she can prove who she is and how she got here.

So have a ball you Republicans. Nominate Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Have a balloon drop and a party and try to ignore the 500 pound elephant in the room...no, not Chris Christie. The fact is that after four years of vilifying Barack Obama and attempting to pander to the worst of the teabaggers bigotry and hate, you are still the party of old, cranky, white rich people. Blacks hate you, Latinos hate you, women should hate you and kids laugh at you. The Republican party is the best thing to ever happen to John Stewart.

Republicans should heed the words of the Commander of the Host who was chasing Moses across the Red Sea in The Ten Commandments. He said "Let us go from this place. Men cannot fight against a God."

...or has Mike Bloomberg graduated from nanny to wet-nurse?

From the recent files of isitjustme, subsection "you can't make this stuff up":

As referenced in a recent posting, the mayor/nanny of New York City has sponsored yet another edict in his never-ending war on personal freedom. Mike Bloomberg is determined to make you healthy and thin even if he has to lock you up to do it.

In any other city in America the draconian pronouncements of Mayor Bloomberg would be denounced as not just unconstitutional but anti civil liberties. In Dallas the citizens would be hunting for a rope. The interesting thing in New York is that everyone likes Mayor Mike. He has done a wonderful job running a city that was considered, under the Democrats, ungovernable. He has taken the torch from Rudy Giuliani (who, one must admit, did an admirable job) and continued to advance a nonpartisan, even-handed agenda. If the laws of the city didn't limit the mayor to two terms (a law Bloomberg set aside in 2009) Mike could be mayor of NY in perpetuity. He's a billionaire who takes the subway to work (sometimes) and rarely puts his foot in his mouth.

However Mike's one blindspot is his proclivity for proposing laws, regulations and edicts which while designed to do good, come off as patronizing and, well, silly. Bloomberg banned smoking in restaurants and bars in 2003 and in public spaces like Times Square in 2011. In 2006 he banned the use of artificial transfats in food sold in New York. He decreed that the calorie count of fast food be posted in all such restaurants and has pushed for a ten year plan to reduce the salt content of packaged foods. His commissioners have mandated a change in the taxi fleet to include hybrid cars instead of the old Ford Crown Vics. His recent effort to limit the size of sugary drinks sold in stores and restaurants has earned Mike more laughs than applause.

However, Mayor Bloomberg is undeterred. His most interesting cause to date is a ban on the sale of baby formula over the counter, thereby forcing new mothers to breastfeed. Formula would be available in hospitals but the staff must document the reason for dispensing it. Formula will also be available in pharmacies with a prescription. Although the Mayor's heart is certainly in the right place, his head is clearly too close to his sphincter. It was bad enough when he banned food donations to the homeless because the city couldn't control the salt content but this is one toke over the line. The Mayor appears determined to leave office with an electorate of thin, healthy, smoke-free, transfat-free, well adjusted constituents. It would surprise no one if he stopped the subways and buses once or twice a week and made New Yorkers walk or bicycle to work.

Mayor Mike is on the right side of abortion, gun control, religious freedom (he welcomed the so-called Ground Zero Mosque) and traffic congestion. However, mandating breastfeeding is big brotherism at it's worst. Personal choice cannot be sacrificed on the altar of "we know best". It would probably be best if Mayor Bloomberg kept his hands off women's breasts. Oh, you know what I mean.

or is prayer in school the first step toward Sharia Law?

While all the world was gasping at the galactic stupidity of Todd Akin, he of the Missouri Gynecological and Plumbing Association, no one noticed the other smell arising from the plains of the mighty mid-west. Having clearly established the Show Me State's regard for women (that would be, not much) the genius voters of MO have passed one of the dumbest, most irrelevant laws since Mike Bloomberg's mandatory breast-feeding edict.

Missouri has decided that Christians in Missouri (and make no mistake, this is only about Christians) don't get to pray enough in public. While Todd Akin was dragging women back to chattel status, the Missouri populace passed the "Missouri Public Prayer Amendment". This charming bit of irrelevancy has guaranteed forevermore the rights of Missourians to practice their religion freely. Apparently, the citizens of Missouri were so busy practicing their religion in secret they never had time to glance at the U.S. Constitution. If they had, they would have tripped over the First Amendment which mentions, in passing, that Americans have been practicing their religion freely since 1789. Maybe they thought that the Missouri Compromise of 1821 somehow shortchanged their religious freedom. (A section of the amendment allows for the public display of the Bill of Rights in Missouri public schools so this oversite might be short-lived.)

Actually it's the second part of this law which will cause huzzahs with the Bible-beating crowd. The amendment states that students in public schools are guaranteed the right to pray and acknowledge their religion voluntarily. Clearly, the information block that promoted the understanding of the First Amendment also shielded Missourians from three landmark Supreme Court decisions. Two decisions in 1962 and 1963, Engel v. Vitale and Abbington School District v. Schempp pretty much put the kibosh on school prayer. In 1971 the court went so far as to establish guidelines for what was acceptable in schools where prayer was concerned. In Lemon v. Kurtzman the Court said that public school activities must 1) have a secular purpose, 2) Must neither enhance nor inhibit religion and 3) Must not result in excessive entanglement between government and religion. If you don't think this is clear, you must be from Missouri.

The author of this tripe is one State Rep. Mike McGhee. Here's a quiz: see if you can guess Mike's 1) religion?, 2) race?, 3) party? Of course he is. Here's a trick question: where did he go to college? Wrong. He never went. He's a farmer from Independence who made his money in land speculation. Prior to his introducing this amendment, the only impression he ever made in Jefferson City was on the cushion of his chair.

There are two things you need to know about this amendment. First, it's as unconstitutional as the day is long. The Supremes have yelled themselves hoarse explaining that school is not church. If you feel the need to contact the Almighty during school hours, ask to be excused. There are zero reasons to organize moments of silence during class time and a thousand reasons not to. If praying is so critical to your kid's education, put them in a religious school where they can pray to their heart's content while studying creationism and celibacy. Leave public schools to study real knowledge not mysticism.

Second, anybody who thinks that these "religious freedoms" will be extended to Muslim kids please pull your head out of your Koran. These "freedoms" are about promoting Christianity and Christianity only. The very reason for excluding prayer from schools, i.e., to keep teacher from converting/brainwashing students, is the very reason the Christian Right want to bring it in. They don't want religious freedom they want a state sponsored shot at preaching Jesus to school kids. The first time that a group of Islamic students organize themselves in the corner of a classroom and begin chanting "Allah akbar" the freedom of religion crowd will scream "terrorists" and run from the building. Remember, it was the "good Christians" of middle America that howled every time a middle easterner tried to erect so much as a falafel stand. This is about Christianity and its true believers.

All of this religious fervor might at least be understandable if the goal was building a more moral country. Who could argue with Christian values like charity, kindness and love? Sadly, those pages are missing from the New Testament being preached by these self-appointed prophets. The same "Christians" who want students praising Jesus all day also want immigrants out, welfare stopped and all non-Real Americans jailed. Please, ask one of these modern-day evangelists what he thinks of Guantanamo or inner-city blacks or education for illegal immigrants. Jesus Christ would hardly recognize the Church he started.

So remember oh you righteous Christians of Missouri, as you demand crosses be placed outside public buildings and stone renderings of the ten commandments be displayed in your courthouses, the only countries currently interested in this sort of church - state unification are the ones facing Mecca six times a day. Sharia Law by any other name still still treats women like goats.

...or has the party that gave us Sharron Angle and Christine O'Donnell lost its ability to shock or surprise?

Missouri may not be in the deep south but recent events in the "Show Me" State would lead one to believe that they are working hard for membership. Missouri ranks right up with her sister states in obesity (30%), intelligence (#22 - best in the South after Virginia) and now a leader in draconian laws and moronic politicians. In a state where homeschooling is neither monitored nor regulated you can expect political candidates like Todd Akin.

Enter Todd Akin. The Tea Party's newly minted candidate for the Senate, challenging a supposedly vulnerable Claire McCaskill, couldn't wait to trot out his somewhat novel understanding of women's reproductive idiosyncrasies. During an interview last Sunday with a St. Louis TV station (presumably K-DOPE-TV) Congressman Akin was asked to defend his position on abortion. He has stated that he's again' it even in instances of rape and incest. Rather that launch into the usual rant about the sacredness of life, Akin opined that pregnancy, as a result of legitimate rape (as opposed to the non-legitimate kind), is "really rare. If it's a legitimate rape the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down." Ladies and Gentlemen behold the newest embodiment of the ASSHAT.

Mr. Akin is a graduate of the Wooster Polytechnic Institute in Wooster, Mass. I checked and they do not offer any courses in vaginal engineering. He also has a Masters of Divinity from the Convent Theological Seminary in St. Louis. In spite of the "Convent" in the title, female reproductive studies are unknown except in the backseat of the occasional Toyota. It would appear that Congressman Akin received the bulk of his gynecological training from the instruction pamphlets inside home pregnancy tests. In any event the upshot of the interview is that Congressman Akin is as qualified to expound on women's reproductive issues as he is to be a US Senator.

Because irony died in the Republican party during the Nixon years, no one thought it strange that Akin sits on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology. One can only assume that Akin specialized in the "space" part; especially the oxygen deprivation testing. He clearly skipped the "science" lectures.

Since Sunday the House has fallen on Todd Akin...and the Senate...and every Republican from John Boehner to Paul Ryan. Most are suggesting that he 1) withdraw from the Senate race, 2) take a long walk off a short pier or, enroll in the Outer Mongolian School of Reproductive Medicine. In any event, he should think about a change in careers.

However, Congressman Akin isn't having any. "I'm not a quitter" he said. That's not entirely true. Akin declined to appear at a planned interview on Piers Morgan's show on CNN. He did appear on Sean Hannity's radio show where he quoted that well-known OB-GYN John Paul Jones who said "I have not yet begun to fight." It was unclear if he was being raped at the time.

...or has the GOP decided to run Jim Crow for national office?

You gotta love Republicans. The Grand Old Party has traditionally been in the minority in America (current figures have the GOP a slight underdog) but has learned how to make the most of opportunities when they arise. Republican lawmakers have used every trick in the Karl Rove, Tom DeLay handbook to: redraw congressional boundaries, hire politically motivated prosecutors and pass any law possible to ensure their continued political dominance. In states like Texas, the Republicans have gerrymandered congressional districts to the point that the congressional Texas map looks like it was painted by Picasso at age five. Note: It's not like the Democrats are new to redrawing districts to maximize political advantage. Perish the thought. The GOP is only singled out for their shamelessness.

This brings us to 2010 and the unfortunate election results that put several state governments in the hands of some very mean-spirited Republicans. These guys grew up in the Bush-Cheney "take no prisoners" school of politics. Having taken over in 2011, they set right to work determining who voted for Barack Obama and how to keep them out of the polls in 2012. First on the list were those smelly poor people and those who live on society's margins. Next were minorities, especially those black citizens who turned out in record numbers to vote Democratic. But how do you disenfranchise entire voting blocks without violating that pesky Voting Rights Act?

Hey wait! How about if all the GOP governors take to Fox News and gin up a crisis about voter fraud? That will give the state legislatures cover to demand that voters show picture ID's before voting. After all, voter fraud is rampant in the land (we're certain because we heard it on Fox). And before you could say Jim Crow, Republican state houses passed laws requiring voters to present official photo ID cards before voting. So far, these laws have passed in Texas (big surprise), Nebraska, Wisconsin (thank you Scott Walker), Tennessee, South Carolina (where all the really evil laws are born), Georgia, Mississippi, Indiana and, most contentiously, Pennsylvania. No one gives a God damn who votes in Nebraska or who they vote for.

A judge in Pennsylvania has just ruled that the voter ID law in that state is legal and he is probably right. The interesting aspect of this case is that prior to argument, the Defendants, in the person of the State AG, had already thrown in the towel. In a "stipulation agreement" filed before the trial began, the State has acknowledged that it has no evidence that the new law would prevent fraud at the polling place. Further, the State cannot point to one case of in-person fraud at any voting facility in the State. So, in short, a law that was supposedly written to stop in-person voter fraud, will not stop voter fraud, but that's OK because there is no voter fraud to stop. But if there were fraud, by God we stopped it. Pennsylvania is about to entertain a law prohibiting hunters from shooting unicorns with a crossbow.

To be clear, these laws would not stop dead people from voting in Chicago. They would not stop ACORN-type registrations (ACORN committed no voter fraud or ever broke any election law. Their offense was coming to the attention of a has-been named Glenn Beck.) There is a famous story regarding the Senate campaign of Lyndon Johnson in Texas in 1948 where, during the Democratic primary, a precinct turned in election results showing that the citizens of the area voted in alphabetical order. True or not, and it's a great story, the new voter laws would not prevent alphabetical voting. Face it, the net effect of these laws is that fewer legitimate voters will get to vote. America has been electing presidents since G. Washington and no one has ever thought it necessary to show a photo (during the 1880's maybe a daguerreotype or a lithograph).

If you really want to investigate voter fraud (which no one in the GOP wants to do), take a look at absentee ballots. Reports of ballots being "mislaid" are rampant.

It's not like anyone believed that these laws were anything but an attempt to keep poor and old people from voting but it's nice to see the State of Pennsylvania admit it. Pennsylvania's House Majority Leader Mike Turzai proclaimed that "this law will allow Mitt Romney to win the State of Pennsylvania". WOW! I might expect that from Rick Perry or Nikki Haley but Pennsylvania is a light blue moderate state.

But just in case you think that voter suppression is a "southern" thing, consider the inventive policies of the Attorney General of Ohio. Under the supervision of AG Mike DeWine, Ohio is attempting to stifle early voting. Some clever dick in the GOP noticed that the lines of early voters outside polling places in 2008 had an inordinate number of, let's say, people of color. The Secretary of State has actually tried to limit voting hours in districts that vote Democratic. The Republicans are especially interested in keeping the polls closed on the weekend before election day when an estimated 93,000 voters hit the polls in 2008. The thinking goes that if lower income workers are unable to get time off to vote on Tuesday Romney has a better shot. Sharpies in the Secretary of State's office have said that only military personnel can vote on the weekend so attempts to change that statute are framed as anti-soldier. This cesspool of an idea has caused even the Governor to hold his nose. Plans are in the works to make this transparent tactic look less like stacking the deck. Good luck with that. I understand that Oklahoma is thinking of having black and Latino voters cast ballots on a moving bus.