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Troubles continue to mount for poor Michael Steele. No sooner does he bow and scrape his way out of trouble with the all-powerful King Rush, now he is desperately attempting to explain his way out of the greatest Republican sin of all, the capacity to think for himself. In the words of that great American, Frank Burns, "Individually is fine, so long as we all do it together".
In an interview for GQ (not normally the pinnacle of Republican orthodoxy) Mr. Steele allowed that homosexuality is not a matter of choice and abortion is. Holy platform, Batman! It isn't bad enough that the head of the RNC doesn't look like everybody in the Republican party, he doesn't think like them either.
This situation has put the leaders of the GOP in a terrible spot. If they jettison Michael Steele, the closest thing the Republicans will have to a black member will be Bobby Jindal and John Boehner. (Boehner appears to have purchased all the skin pigmentation that Michael Jackson wasn't using.) Besides, candidates willing to swim toward the sinking Republican ship aren't exactly lining up around the block. It would be easier to hire a food taster for Rush Limbaugh.
WANTED: FOOD TASTER FOR RUSH LIMBAUGH Must be courageous and really quick with a fork.
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Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa, ever anxious to prove that Mid-Westerners aren't just about American ideals, has suggested a Japanese solution to the problem of AIG and their bonuses. The Senator proposes that the offending executives: 1) apologize to America (he was unclear as to whether they should apologize for taking the money or running the American economy off a cliff) and 2) killing themselves. Resignation was proposed as an option to suicide but discounted as less desirable for TV ratings. This statement was met with outrage by the Japanese who understand that seppuku is an honorable death and therefore totally unsuitable for any American executive.
The Democrats have promised a vigorous challenge for Sen. Grassley's Senate seat in 2010. Doctor Jack Kevorkian is considered an early frontrunner.
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Meanwhile, back in Iowa...the State Department of Naming Stuff has decided to rename the Department of Elder Affairs (presumably to alleviate confusion regarding geriatric love trysts) to the Department of Aging. Senior citizens were predictably outraged that the new acronym for their primary government agency was DOA.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
...or should we pray for Catholic Church 2.0?
Item
Pope Benedict XVI has been expressing concern at the level of abuse he's received over the attempted reconciliation between the RCC and the Pius X Society, represented by the always lively Bishop Richard Williamson. His Holiness swears he was totally unaware of Bishop Williamson's rather novel view on world history circa 1936 through 1945. Williamson's take on the Holocaust is "much to-do about not much".Critics of the Church are incredulous that the Holy See was oblivious to the opinions of Bishop Williamson. Rome was advised that a simple Google search would have produced all the necessary information.
Tragically, the Vicar of Christ appears technologically challenged. Ask him anything about the teaching in the Baltimore Catechism and he can recite for hours. On the subject of obscure ecclesiastic texts, he'll bring tears to your eyes. However, put him in front of a computer and he can't tell a mouse pad from a patten. He believes that a cursor should clean up his language and go to confession(rim shot!). The rest of the Vatican isn't much better. It took the entire Roman Curia two days to replace the toner in the only printer in St. Peters.
Clearly the Church is due for an IT upgrade. Some suggestions for improving the technology of Catholicism include: online confession with written penances (see how you like typing out the Our Father ten times); mite boxes that can be filled by paypal; a photoshop app that puts ashes on your facebook photo. The possibilities are endless. Papal elections can be held without flying all those elderly Cardinals to Rome. Just have them log in to a secure web site, similar to the way they vote on American Idol. Sadly, some legacy issues will remain. Someone will still have to send up the black and white smoke. The Church might also consider virtual pilgrimages. With just a few chicks of a mouse you too could be on your knees at Fatima or Lourdes and get started on a cure for what ails you.
Regardless of how the Holy See chooses to update the technology, we shouldn't be looking for a online dating service for priests any time soon.
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In other ecclesiastic news, the Catholic Church has reinvigorated the concept of indulgences. For those of you raised in religions other than the RCC, an indulgence is a partial or complete reduction of your time in purgatory. To attempt a more detailed explanation would be pointless. If you need more info, search Google.
The only thing you really need to know about indulgences is that the concept of selling them to rich and powerful Catholics (a common practice in Medieval times) caused Martin Luther to decorate the Cathedral in Wittenberg, Germany in 1517.
How Catholics get to heaven is of no particular interest to the other 75% of America who listen to voices other than Benedict XVI. What is interesting is the bigger picture, namely the seemingly perverse desire on the part of the Catholic Church to make headlines. Seriously, when was the last time you read a newspaper story about Methodists or Lutherans? Aside from the recent controversy on gay bishops affecting Presbyterians and the recent flap over Mormon crickets, no other Christian group appears interested in stories above the fold. Whether it's denying Communion to proponents of abortion or prohibiting gays from meeting in Church halls, the Catholics are media crazy. Each time the Pope steps in front of a microphone or picks up a pen, someone is getting their theological knickers in a wad. Who's doing PR at the Vatican, Amy Winehouse? It's religion, not Praying With The Stars.
Late breaking news. Live from Yaounde, Cameroon...the Pope has explained to sub-Sahara Africa, home to 22 million HIV infected people, that condoms are not the answer. Quod erat demonstrandum.
___________________________________________________________________
Pope Benedict XVI has been expressing concern at the level of abuse he's received over the attempted reconciliation between the RCC and the Pius X Society, represented by the always lively Bishop Richard Williamson. His Holiness swears he was totally unaware of Bishop Williamson's rather novel view on world history circa 1936 through 1945. Williamson's take on the Holocaust is "much to-do about not much".Critics of the Church are incredulous that the Holy See was oblivious to the opinions of Bishop Williamson. Rome was advised that a simple Google search would have produced all the necessary information.
Tragically, the Vicar of Christ appears technologically challenged. Ask him anything about the teaching in the Baltimore Catechism and he can recite for hours. On the subject of obscure ecclesiastic texts, he'll bring tears to your eyes. However, put him in front of a computer and he can't tell a mouse pad from a patten. He believes that a cursor should clean up his language and go to confession(rim shot!). The rest of the Vatican isn't much better. It took the entire Roman Curia two days to replace the toner in the only printer in St. Peters.
Clearly the Church is due for an IT upgrade. Some suggestions for improving the technology of Catholicism include: online confession with written penances (see how you like typing out the Our Father ten times); mite boxes that can be filled by paypal; a photoshop app that puts ashes on your facebook photo. The possibilities are endless. Papal elections can be held without flying all those elderly Cardinals to Rome. Just have them log in to a secure web site, similar to the way they vote on American Idol. Sadly, some legacy issues will remain. Someone will still have to send up the black and white smoke. The Church might also consider virtual pilgrimages. With just a few chicks of a mouse you too could be on your knees at Fatima or Lourdes and get started on a cure for what ails you.
Regardless of how the Holy See chooses to update the technology, we shouldn't be looking for a online dating service for priests any time soon.
Item
In other ecclesiastic news, the Catholic Church has reinvigorated the concept of indulgences. For those of you raised in religions other than the RCC, an indulgence is a partial or complete reduction of your time in purgatory. To attempt a more detailed explanation would be pointless. If you need more info, search Google.
The only thing you really need to know about indulgences is that the concept of selling them to rich and powerful Catholics (a common practice in Medieval times) caused Martin Luther to decorate the Cathedral in Wittenberg, Germany in 1517.
How Catholics get to heaven is of no particular interest to the other 75% of America who listen to voices other than Benedict XVI. What is interesting is the bigger picture, namely the seemingly perverse desire on the part of the Catholic Church to make headlines. Seriously, when was the last time you read a newspaper story about Methodists or Lutherans? Aside from the recent controversy on gay bishops affecting Presbyterians and the recent flap over Mormon crickets, no other Christian group appears interested in stories above the fold. Whether it's denying Communion to proponents of abortion or prohibiting gays from meeting in Church halls, the Catholics are media crazy. Each time the Pope steps in front of a microphone or picks up a pen, someone is getting their theological knickers in a wad. Who's doing PR at the Vatican, Amy Winehouse? It's religion, not Praying With The Stars.
Late breaking news. Live from Yaounde, Cameroon...the Pope has explained to sub-Sahara Africa, home to 22 million HIV infected people, that condoms are not the answer. Quod erat demonstrandum.
___________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
...or is the Republican party completely incapable of tearing a hole in the Limbaugh airbag?
When Newt Gingrich is the voice of reason in your political party, you have a problem. When a recent straw poll among Republicans lists Ron Paul and Sarah Palin among the top four choices as Presidential candidate in 2010, you have troubles. When Michael Steele, the man elected to run the Republican National Committee, is too spineless to engage a whoopee cushion like R. Limbaugh, you need a new plan...and a new RNC Chairman. In other words, the GOP has decided to ignore the time-tested axiom: when you're already in a hole, stop digging.
The Republicans are sinking into irrelevancy and Admiral Limbaugh is throwing them a daily supply of anvils. Astronomers at NASA are wagering as to whether Rush's ego or his belt size will be first to reach planetary proportions. The joy of Limbaugh is he thinks he's helping. Meanwhile, any Republican with an IQ in three digits is scurrying to re-brand himself as a libertarian. Can the rebirth of the Whigs be far behind?
Like the Democrats after Jimmy Carter, the current minority party has been left without an issue. Attacking Barak Obama is hopeless. He is wildly popular and endlessly charismatic. The country sees him doing everything possible to right the economic ship. At least he's trying. The Republicans who oppose his efforts appear petty and small. To vote for Presidential failure borders on treason. Opponents such as Grandpa McCain and Mitch McConnell complain about deficits yet preach tax cuts. Even tax-averse Americans are confused by this logic. John (How do you get your skin that color?) Boehner of Ohio, is hard-pressed to explain to unemployed citizens of his state why stimulus is such a bad idea. A little government pork would be a welcome relief to families living on Raman noodles.
No one really knows if the steps taken by the current administration will improve our economy or make things worse. What we do know is that America elected Barak Obama to try and make things better; or at least less bad. In the meantime, we can all share a chuckle as the Republicans try to slow the Obama juggernaut long enough to create a few resonant sound bites. Just as the GOP was labeling the STIM as out-of- control spending, Obama was on to the budget. As the Republicans sputtered to call the budget "earmark central", Barak was pitching healthcare. By the way, is anyone else worried that John McCain will give himself a seizure pounding the podium in opposition to earmark spending? Especially now that his wife isn't standing behind him with the glycerin pills. The administration is moving so fast that the Republicans didn't even stop to criticize Obama's Iraq strategy. By the time McConnell or Boehner gets to the lectern to decry something proposed by the administration, two new initiatives are making headlines. It's like watching a hitter trying to catch up to a fast ball.
As for Mr. Limbaugh, you have to admit, for a blimp he's pretty agile. He rarely attacks his critics directly, except for the pitiful Mr. Steele who is clearly fighting out of his weight class. Limbaugh professes to be about ideology not politics. That's like being interested in bracketology but not basketball. This guy is Billy Sunday, Carrie Nation and Huey Long all rolled into one (with room left over for Elmer Gantry). He professes to speak to "the people", Sarah Palin's Real Americans. In truth he preaches only to the converted. His audience is old, white and angry.
Oddly, they are the very tax paying citizens who will benefit first from "socialist" programs like social security, medicare, medicaid, prescription drug benefits and Obama's healthcare. They profess a belief in the market economy but curse the company that closes a plant in their town to save jobs elsewhere. They bemoan the loss of American ideals but reject the fundamental ideal of the melting pot. They lament prayer in schools but are suspicious of a mosque in their town. Things seemed simpler when Eisenhower or Reagan was in office. I suspect that Americans living through the turbulent days of Lyndon Johnson longed for the calmer times of Herbert Hoover or Cal Coolidge.
We live in scary times and people have a right to be apprehensive. Crumbling financial institutions and mounting foreclosures fill the broadcast media and whatever newspapers are left. People feel powerless and victimized. Tragically, this is fertile ground for the Limbaughs, Hannitys and Becks. Safe behind a microphone, they provide simple answers that are little more than bromides. According to them, all would be well if only: all illegal aliens went home, all Muslims/Arabs embarked for west Asia, black people stopped crying about their rights and went back to mopping the floor, consumers ignored quality issues and bought American, we prayed in school and displayed the Ten Commandments in courthouses, and mostly, we returned to the Christian fundamentals upon which this Country was founded.
Well guess what? We aren't going back. This 2009 not 1955. The way out is the way forward. Nostalgia is charming in film but it sucks as a national strategy. America, if you must listen to Limbaugh & Co., please do so with the same eyes as you would Happy Days and American Graffiti. Imagine Garrison Keiller, only with horns and a tail.
The Republicans are sinking into irrelevancy and Admiral Limbaugh is throwing them a daily supply of anvils. Astronomers at NASA are wagering as to whether Rush's ego or his belt size will be first to reach planetary proportions. The joy of Limbaugh is he thinks he's helping. Meanwhile, any Republican with an IQ in three digits is scurrying to re-brand himself as a libertarian. Can the rebirth of the Whigs be far behind?
Like the Democrats after Jimmy Carter, the current minority party has been left without an issue. Attacking Barak Obama is hopeless. He is wildly popular and endlessly charismatic. The country sees him doing everything possible to right the economic ship. At least he's trying. The Republicans who oppose his efforts appear petty and small. To vote for Presidential failure borders on treason. Opponents such as Grandpa McCain and Mitch McConnell complain about deficits yet preach tax cuts. Even tax-averse Americans are confused by this logic. John (How do you get your skin that color?) Boehner of Ohio, is hard-pressed to explain to unemployed citizens of his state why stimulus is such a bad idea. A little government pork would be a welcome relief to families living on Raman noodles.
No one really knows if the steps taken by the current administration will improve our economy or make things worse. What we do know is that America elected Barak Obama to try and make things better; or at least less bad. In the meantime, we can all share a chuckle as the Republicans try to slow the Obama juggernaut long enough to create a few resonant sound bites. Just as the GOP was labeling the STIM as out-of- control spending, Obama was on to the budget. As the Republicans sputtered to call the budget "earmark central", Barak was pitching healthcare. By the way, is anyone else worried that John McCain will give himself a seizure pounding the podium in opposition to earmark spending? Especially now that his wife isn't standing behind him with the glycerin pills. The administration is moving so fast that the Republicans didn't even stop to criticize Obama's Iraq strategy. By the time McConnell or Boehner gets to the lectern to decry something proposed by the administration, two new initiatives are making headlines. It's like watching a hitter trying to catch up to a fast ball.
As for Mr. Limbaugh, you have to admit, for a blimp he's pretty agile. He rarely attacks his critics directly, except for the pitiful Mr. Steele who is clearly fighting out of his weight class. Limbaugh professes to be about ideology not politics. That's like being interested in bracketology but not basketball. This guy is Billy Sunday, Carrie Nation and Huey Long all rolled into one (with room left over for Elmer Gantry). He professes to speak to "the people", Sarah Palin's Real Americans. In truth he preaches only to the converted. His audience is old, white and angry.
Oddly, they are the very tax paying citizens who will benefit first from "socialist" programs like social security, medicare, medicaid, prescription drug benefits and Obama's healthcare. They profess a belief in the market economy but curse the company that closes a plant in their town to save jobs elsewhere. They bemoan the loss of American ideals but reject the fundamental ideal of the melting pot. They lament prayer in schools but are suspicious of a mosque in their town. Things seemed simpler when Eisenhower or Reagan was in office. I suspect that Americans living through the turbulent days of Lyndon Johnson longed for the calmer times of Herbert Hoover or Cal Coolidge.
We live in scary times and people have a right to be apprehensive. Crumbling financial institutions and mounting foreclosures fill the broadcast media and whatever newspapers are left. People feel powerless and victimized. Tragically, this is fertile ground for the Limbaughs, Hannitys and Becks. Safe behind a microphone, they provide simple answers that are little more than bromides. According to them, all would be well if only: all illegal aliens went home, all Muslims/Arabs embarked for west Asia, black people stopped crying about their rights and went back to mopping the floor, consumers ignored quality issues and bought American, we prayed in school and displayed the Ten Commandments in courthouses, and mostly, we returned to the Christian fundamentals upon which this Country was founded.
Well guess what? We aren't going back. This 2009 not 1955. The way out is the way forward. Nostalgia is charming in film but it sucks as a national strategy. America, if you must listen to Limbaugh & Co., please do so with the same eyes as you would Happy Days and American Graffiti. Imagine Garrison Keiller, only with horns and a tail.
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