Things shamelessly stolen from other media (sort of like CNN.com).
Item
No doubt you've read about the Fairfax, Virginia man who was arrested for standing in front of his kitchen window au natural. The Fairfax cops showed up in full gear brandishing a taser (one can only imagine where it was pointed) and placed the pervert, Eric Williamson, in cuffs. In that Mr. Williamson had no criminal record and no complaints had ever been filed, why didn't the cops let him go with a slap on the wrist (or some other more appropriate body part)? The answer might be that the initial complaint was made by a cop's wife. Why she felt the need to stare into Mr. Williamson's kitchen window with her 7 year old son is unclear. Had the sexes been reversed the window gawker would certainly have been arrested as a peeper.
Fortunately, the Fairfax County prosecutor appears reluctant to prosecute. That's good for Mr. Williamson in that he would face a year in jail as well as a permanent scarlet letter as a sex offender. On the plus side, he would save a fortune in candy come Halloween.
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Explain to me again why police officers are required to carry their sidearms off duty.
A Baltimore cop was arrested last week for pointing his gun at a costumed Halloween character in a haunted house. Sgt. Eric Janik (presumably now "former" Sgt. Eric Janik) drew and aimed his off duty pistol at Michael Morrison who was dressed as a character from the Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Mr. Morrison was armed with a chainless chain saw. Witnesses said that Sgt. Janik appeared to be extremely drunk. Shocker!
Authorities strongly advise anyone cruising Baltimore in late November dressed as a turkey to avoid the Janik neighborhood.
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Several large stores withdrew an offensive Halloween costume from the shelves this year but for the life of me I can't understand why. The costume, called illegal alien, consisted of a space alien mask, a prison jump suit and a green card. Honestly, some people have no sense of humor.
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Item
An Italian couple sued the owners of a cruise line for $4,500 claiming they had not been told that the cruise they booked was designed entirely for gay couples. One wonders exactly when they figured it out. Didn't they notice all the matching luggage? As the only straight couple on board (no mention was made as to the sexual proclivity of the crew), the pair felt "uncomfortable and embarrassed". Anyway it wasn't a total loss. The couple developed a real taste for Barbara Streisand.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
...or is it only everyone else's Congressman who needs to go?
What will the Democrats do about Charlie Rangel? The Harlem Congressman has generated more tax violations than the rest of Washington, D.C. combined, including Marion Barry. The IRS has reserved an entire wing of its building to the Rangel paperwork. Wikipedia has 2 1/2 pages on Charlie called "2008-2009 Ethics and Tax Controversies" and 2009 isn't even over. Rangel may be a fixture in the House of Representatives and the Chairman of the "powerful" House Ways and Means Committee (the committee's name never appears without the word "powerful" as a prefix) as well as a decorated veteran of the Korean War, but seriously...
Charlie Rangel is the embodiment of the American success story. Poor NY upbringing, worked all kinds of jobs, law school at night, served in the war, blah, blah, blah. The man he replaced in the House of Representatives was the legendary ACP. (That's Adam Clayton Powell to those west of the Hudson.) Powell was ousted by Congress for an inability to remember which money was his and which was the government's. Powell was immensely popular in Harlem and were it not for the scandal (and his death in 1971) he would still be in the House. How fitting that Charlie Rangel, elected through a scandal, should fall victim to the same issue.
Taken separately, Rangel's tax transgressions don't amount to much. Failure to report a de facto gift by his landlord in allowing Rangel to rent space in Harlem at a much reduced rent. Failure to report as income the rental of a beachfront property he owns in the Dominican Republic. Storing his old Mercedes in a congressional storage facility in violation of the rules. Providing tax cover to a company called Nabors Industries whose CEO donated $1 million to the City College of New York for the Charles B. Rangel Center for Public Service and the Charles Rangel Library. (This last issue might merit a bit more scrutiny if only because of the hubris involved.)
Collectively, however, Rangel's cavalier attitude regarding the reporting of income represents the blatant arrogance of a Congressman who clearly assumes that the laws don't apply to him. The bad press that emanates from petty criminals like Rangel not only distracts from the bigger issues facing Congress, it allows America's bigots to dismiss minority representatives as just another safe-seat, black politician stuffing his pockets. His constituents are painted as too stupid to throw the bum out.
Rangel needs to go or, at least step down from his Ways and Means Committee chairmanship. Failure to clean their own House makes Democrats look no better than the Tom DeLay Republicans, gerrymandering Texas districts. Barack Obama was elected to attempt change in government. How is an ethics committee expected to censure John Ensign? My old English teacher, Fr. Bill Carney use to say "You can't have a clean house if you store the garbage cans under the piano". (Maybe it sounded better when he said it.) President Obama might not be able to clear all corruption from Washington but he can at least encourage his own party to purge the low hanging fruit. The fruit doesn't get much lower than Charlie Rangel.
Charlie Rangel is the embodiment of the American success story. Poor NY upbringing, worked all kinds of jobs, law school at night, served in the war, blah, blah, blah. The man he replaced in the House of Representatives was the legendary ACP. (That's Adam Clayton Powell to those west of the Hudson.) Powell was ousted by Congress for an inability to remember which money was his and which was the government's. Powell was immensely popular in Harlem and were it not for the scandal (and his death in 1971) he would still be in the House. How fitting that Charlie Rangel, elected through a scandal, should fall victim to the same issue.
Taken separately, Rangel's tax transgressions don't amount to much. Failure to report a de facto gift by his landlord in allowing Rangel to rent space in Harlem at a much reduced rent. Failure to report as income the rental of a beachfront property he owns in the Dominican Republic. Storing his old Mercedes in a congressional storage facility in violation of the rules. Providing tax cover to a company called Nabors Industries whose CEO donated $1 million to the City College of New York for the Charles B. Rangel Center for Public Service and the Charles Rangel Library. (This last issue might merit a bit more scrutiny if only because of the hubris involved.)
Collectively, however, Rangel's cavalier attitude regarding the reporting of income represents the blatant arrogance of a Congressman who clearly assumes that the laws don't apply to him. The bad press that emanates from petty criminals like Rangel not only distracts from the bigger issues facing Congress, it allows America's bigots to dismiss minority representatives as just another safe-seat, black politician stuffing his pockets. His constituents are painted as too stupid to throw the bum out.
Rangel needs to go or, at least step down from his Ways and Means Committee chairmanship. Failure to clean their own House makes Democrats look no better than the Tom DeLay Republicans, gerrymandering Texas districts. Barack Obama was elected to attempt change in government. How is an ethics committee expected to censure John Ensign? My old English teacher, Fr. Bill Carney use to say "You can't have a clean house if you store the garbage cans under the piano". (Maybe it sounded better when he said it.) President Obama might not be able to clear all corruption from Washington but he can at least encourage his own party to purge the low hanging fruit. The fruit doesn't get much lower than Charlie Rangel.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
...or is ice cream a dish best served cold?
Today boys and girls, we try a new subset of isitjustme called "How'd that work out for you?" The purpose of these vignettes (aside from filling space in my empty life) will be to examine the unintended consequences of poorly thought-out actions. To wit:
Meleanie Hain gained fame and praise from the National Rifle Assoc. for openly toting a Glok 26 automatic pistol to her daughter's soccer game in Sept. 2008. She was seen by the gun-happy champions of the Second Amendment as a shining example of every American's right to bear arms. Ms. Hain made the news again last week, as the victim of a murder-suicide by firearm. Hain was found dead along with her estranged husband Scott who is the presumed shooter. The couple had three children. Comment from the NRA is apparently lost in the mail.
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Recently in the news was Luis Armando Pena Soltren, who turned himself in to authorities and confessed to his role in the 1968 hijacking of Pan Am flight 281 to Cuba. Although the arrival of his flight in Havana was cheered by Fidel & Co., his celebrity was short lived. For his troubles, Mr. Soltren got to spend the next 40 years as a field hand. Do those commies know how to say thanks or what? Soltren volunteered that next time he hijacks a plane he will fly it to Alaska and sell it on ebay.
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A father in Peoria, Arizona was troubled that his 20-year daughter was becoming "too westernized" and not living her life according to the family's Iraqi traditions. To emphasize his concerns, Mr. Falah Hassan Almaleki approached his daughter, Noor Falah Almaleki, and her friend in a parking lot with his Jeep Grand Cherokee and ran them over. The daughter is in critical condition and the friend is serious. Mr. Almaleki is at large but authorities are anxious to ask him how he thought the grill of a sport utility vehicle would instill Islamic values in his wayward daughter. Of equal importance is why he would relocate to a country whose values and lifestyle make him a homicidal moron?
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Meleanie Hain gained fame and praise from the National Rifle Assoc. for openly toting a Glok 26 automatic pistol to her daughter's soccer game in Sept. 2008. She was seen by the gun-happy champions of the Second Amendment as a shining example of every American's right to bear arms. Ms. Hain made the news again last week, as the victim of a murder-suicide by firearm. Hain was found dead along with her estranged husband Scott who is the presumed shooter. The couple had three children. Comment from the NRA is apparently lost in the mail.
__________________________________________________________________
Recently in the news was Luis Armando Pena Soltren, who turned himself in to authorities and confessed to his role in the 1968 hijacking of Pan Am flight 281 to Cuba. Although the arrival of his flight in Havana was cheered by Fidel & Co., his celebrity was short lived. For his troubles, Mr. Soltren got to spend the next 40 years as a field hand. Do those commies know how to say thanks or what? Soltren volunteered that next time he hijacks a plane he will fly it to Alaska and sell it on ebay.
___________________________________________________________________
A father in Peoria, Arizona was troubled that his 20-year daughter was becoming "too westernized" and not living her life according to the family's Iraqi traditions. To emphasize his concerns, Mr. Falah Hassan Almaleki approached his daughter, Noor Falah Almaleki, and her friend in a parking lot with his Jeep Grand Cherokee and ran them over. The daughter is in critical condition and the friend is serious. Mr. Almaleki is at large but authorities are anxious to ask him how he thought the grill of a sport utility vehicle would instill Islamic values in his wayward daughter. Of equal importance is why he would relocate to a country whose values and lifestyle make him a homicidal moron?
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Playboy Magazine, in a last desperate effort to reverse its slide into irrelevancy, has announced that its Christmas issue will feature a cover illustration of Marge Simpson au natural. All attempts to elicit comment from Betty Boop and Olive Oil have thusfar gone for naught. Should this pathetic cry for renewed hipness fail, the magazine will proceed with plan B which includes: a nude pictorial of The Women of Medicare and, a photo spread of Hugh Heffner's latest party at the mansion featuring Heff having sex with the donut dollies of WWII
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People seeking self-actualization, contact with their inner child or any other self-help claptrap would be well advised to steer clear of "The Sweat Lodge of James Arthur Ray". The death of Liz Neuman, guest at Mr Ray's $9,000, two day spiritual retreat brings to three the number who have died at the hands of the Sedona, Arizona, self help wizard. It seems that the victims were crammed into the sweat lodge in order to purge their bodies. The unfortunate three had their bodies purged of their lives.
There's nothing funny about the tragic deaths of three human beings but seriously, what's wrong with us? We could fill a concert hall with the Deepak Chopra's and M Scott Peck's; all self-help millionaires just bursting to tell you how to fix yourself. Ever wonder why all those guys are smiling? They know that P.T. Barnum was wrong. There's a sucker born every ten seconds. This is not to suggest that the three sad souls in Arizona deserved what they got or, that groups like ALANON and AA don't do fantastic work. This is only to suggest that, before you put your emotional, spiritual or financial well-being in the hands of some capped-tooth, fast talking con man you saw on TV maybe you should 1) talk to a friend, 2) talk to a parent or 3) talk to a priest. Hell, unless your problem is alcohol, talk to a bartender. At least he won't put you in a sweat lodge.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
...or is Christianity about to see a reconcillation bigger than Jon & Kate?
" And he said to them, follow me and I will make you fishers of men."
Matthew (chapter IV, v. 19)
The Roman Catholic Church has recently decided that, rather than trolling for converts one at a time (expensive and inefficient), they would, instead, cast a wider net. After all, there are only so many pagan babies left in the world. The target is the Anglican Communion which includes the 2.3 million members of the U.S. Episcopal Church. The Anglicans have been engaged in a civil war with themselves since the 70's when, horror of horrors, they began to ordain women as priests. Predictably the best argument for an all-male clergy (aside from the hassle of creating a girls locker room for the seminary basketball program) was that well, there had never been women priests before. There had also never been air conditioning in the rectory but that installation didn't seem to cause an ecclesiastical furor.
As if ordaining women wasn't blasphemous enough, the consecration of Eugene Robinson as the first openly gay bishop in 2003 was, as the Irish say, beyond the beyond. Robinson was elected Bishop of his New Hampshire diocese by a council of both clergy and lay people. There is no single head of the Anglican or Episcopal Churches so there is no one to whom the conservatives/reactionaries can appeal. The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, is the symbolic head of the Anglican Church worldwide but the title is mostly honorary (think Harry Reid in the Senate and Derek Jeter on the Yankees). Williams has been dealing with a virtual schism between conservatives and progressives within the Church ever since dioceses and parishes started defecting. Ironies abound.
In 1534 everybody's favorite English king, Henry VIII, decided that he could run the Church in England better than the Pope in Rome. His decision resulted in: a windfall of revenue from Church lands, a divorce from his then wife Katherine and, a considerable number of headless and barbecued English Catholics who expressed a contrary opinion. Breaking from Rome was all the rage in the 16th century (Lutherans, Calvinists, etc.)although Rome took umbrage at this decentralization.
Anyway, aside from the replacement of the Pope with Henry (Actually the Archbishop of Canterbury became functional head of the Church in England. Once Henry got the money and his divorce, he lost interest.) the Catholic liturgy of the English church remained mostly intact. Since Henry, England has had several brief dalliances with a Roman reconciliation. Henry's daughter Mary tried as did Charles I but, alas, it was not to be. Naturally the Popes in Rome applied their usual velvet glove approach, promising eternal damnation to anyone who swore religious allegiance to the King. While this concept gained some traction, keeping one's bowels inside one's body trumped the potential loss of one's soul. More recently Pope John Paul had attempted a gentler approach, emphasizing the commonality shared by both Churches.
Owing to the expansion of the British Empire the Anglican Church has a considerable flock. There are 80 million Anglicans worldwide making them the third largest Christian group behind the Catholics and the Eastern Orthodox Catholics. Ironically, (I promised irony) many American Catholics are flocking to the kinder, gentler Episcopal Church. After all, if you're going to ignore the constant stream of doctrines and prohibitions coming from your pope and bishops, why not do it from the pews of a Church that actually wants you. It's simple: Catholic Church - exclusive...Episcopal Church - inclusive.
As the name suggests, the Anglican Communion is a loose coalition of national/regional churches. Each country's Church functions independently. The name "Anglican" is derived from the Latin Ecclesia Anglicana meaning Church of England but the bonds are loose. The Anglican Church in Nigeria (Africa is the fastest growing region for Anglicans and Catholics) may object to gay clergy in America but they are powerless to reverse the trend.
However, cognizant of the desires of many Anglicans in America to return to the 15th century, where men were men and women were chattel, the Church in Rome is having a special. For a limited time (my words not theirs) disgruntled Anglicans may return to the Church that Henry forced them to leave all those years ago...and they get to bring their married priests with them. A document called The Apostolic Constitution will clear the way for entire congregations of Anglicans to join the Catholic Church.
In that the liturgy, rituals and sacraments are the same, most Anglicans won't notice much difference. How the transfer of Church buildings and property will be handled is a detail. Because the text of the Constitution hasn't been made public (at least not to Wikipedia or Google), how this reconciliation will come to pass is a bit mysterious. One thing is certain, Anglicans will have to start listening to the Pope in Rome. Ironically, (I told you) American Catholics listen to the dictates of the Pope about as often as they obey speeding laws. Henceforth we may have a situation where the Anglicans are more Catholic than the Catholics.
The effect might well be Three Anglican Churches instead of the two that are currently forming. We will have the Catholic Anglicans, the Non-catholic Conservative Anglicans (mostly in the South) and the Liberal Episcopalians. Something for everyone. Why this matters, I couldn't say. What I can say is that, while conservatives in the Anglican Church might side with Rome on homosexuality and women clergy, wait until they hear the phrase made famous by St. Augustine "Roma locuta causa finita est" or "Rome has spoken and that settles the matter". Maybe gay bishops aren't so bad after all.
Matthew (chapter IV, v. 19)
The Roman Catholic Church has recently decided that, rather than trolling for converts one at a time (expensive and inefficient), they would, instead, cast a wider net. After all, there are only so many pagan babies left in the world. The target is the Anglican Communion which includes the 2.3 million members of the U.S. Episcopal Church. The Anglicans have been engaged in a civil war with themselves since the 70's when, horror of horrors, they began to ordain women as priests. Predictably the best argument for an all-male clergy (aside from the hassle of creating a girls locker room for the seminary basketball program) was that well, there had never been women priests before. There had also never been air conditioning in the rectory but that installation didn't seem to cause an ecclesiastical furor.
As if ordaining women wasn't blasphemous enough, the consecration of Eugene Robinson as the first openly gay bishop in 2003 was, as the Irish say, beyond the beyond. Robinson was elected Bishop of his New Hampshire diocese by a council of both clergy and lay people. There is no single head of the Anglican or Episcopal Churches so there is no one to whom the conservatives/reactionaries can appeal. The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, is the symbolic head of the Anglican Church worldwide but the title is mostly honorary (think Harry Reid in the Senate and Derek Jeter on the Yankees). Williams has been dealing with a virtual schism between conservatives and progressives within the Church ever since dioceses and parishes started defecting. Ironies abound.
In 1534 everybody's favorite English king, Henry VIII, decided that he could run the Church in England better than the Pope in Rome. His decision resulted in: a windfall of revenue from Church lands, a divorce from his then wife Katherine and, a considerable number of headless and barbecued English Catholics who expressed a contrary opinion. Breaking from Rome was all the rage in the 16th century (Lutherans, Calvinists, etc.)although Rome took umbrage at this decentralization.
Anyway, aside from the replacement of the Pope with Henry (Actually the Archbishop of Canterbury became functional head of the Church in England. Once Henry got the money and his divorce, he lost interest.) the Catholic liturgy of the English church remained mostly intact. Since Henry, England has had several brief dalliances with a Roman reconciliation. Henry's daughter Mary tried as did Charles I but, alas, it was not to be. Naturally the Popes in Rome applied their usual velvet glove approach, promising eternal damnation to anyone who swore religious allegiance to the King. While this concept gained some traction, keeping one's bowels inside one's body trumped the potential loss of one's soul. More recently Pope John Paul had attempted a gentler approach, emphasizing the commonality shared by both Churches.
Owing to the expansion of the British Empire the Anglican Church has a considerable flock. There are 80 million Anglicans worldwide making them the third largest Christian group behind the Catholics and the Eastern Orthodox Catholics. Ironically, (I promised irony) many American Catholics are flocking to the kinder, gentler Episcopal Church. After all, if you're going to ignore the constant stream of doctrines and prohibitions coming from your pope and bishops, why not do it from the pews of a Church that actually wants you. It's simple: Catholic Church - exclusive...Episcopal Church - inclusive.
As the name suggests, the Anglican Communion is a loose coalition of national/regional churches. Each country's Church functions independently. The name "Anglican" is derived from the Latin Ecclesia Anglicana meaning Church of England but the bonds are loose. The Anglican Church in Nigeria (Africa is the fastest growing region for Anglicans and Catholics) may object to gay clergy in America but they are powerless to reverse the trend.
However, cognizant of the desires of many Anglicans in America to return to the 15th century, where men were men and women were chattel, the Church in Rome is having a special. For a limited time (my words not theirs) disgruntled Anglicans may return to the Church that Henry forced them to leave all those years ago...and they get to bring their married priests with them. A document called The Apostolic Constitution will clear the way for entire congregations of Anglicans to join the Catholic Church.
In that the liturgy, rituals and sacraments are the same, most Anglicans won't notice much difference. How the transfer of Church buildings and property will be handled is a detail. Because the text of the Constitution hasn't been made public (at least not to Wikipedia or Google), how this reconciliation will come to pass is a bit mysterious. One thing is certain, Anglicans will have to start listening to the Pope in Rome. Ironically, (I told you) American Catholics listen to the dictates of the Pope about as often as they obey speeding laws. Henceforth we may have a situation where the Anglicans are more Catholic than the Catholics.
The effect might well be Three Anglican Churches instead of the two that are currently forming. We will have the Catholic Anglicans, the Non-catholic Conservative Anglicans (mostly in the South) and the Liberal Episcopalians. Something for everyone. Why this matters, I couldn't say. What I can say is that, while conservatives in the Anglican Church might side with Rome on homosexuality and women clergy, wait until they hear the phrase made famous by St. Augustine "Roma locuta causa finita est" or "Rome has spoken and that settles the matter". Maybe gay bishops aren't so bad after all.
Monday, October 19, 2009
...or has there ever been any "reality" in reality television?
This is all your fault. If you have ever watched an episode of "Survivor, Galapagos Island" it's your fault. If you ever stopped for a minute on "Biggest Loser" to confirm that you are actually thinner than someone, it's your fault. If you tuned into "The Great Race" to see how a couple could possibly escape from South Yemen armed with only a box of raisins and a tube of Aquafresh, it's your fault. You are responsible for Richard Henne, Mayumi Henne, Falcon Henne and the entire moronic sham perpetrated on America by the chronically attention-starved gang from Colorado.
This is where we are, America. We can't read or support a newspaper. Can't think for ourselves. (Why bother when Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh have volunteered to tell us what to think?) Can't concentrate on a film story more complicated than Saw XXVI. And can't get passed the second paragraph of an on-line news feature. We have made it possible for cable television stations to survive with nothing more original than reruns of Wheel of Fortune and faux-reality shows. We have made stars out of Jon Gosselin, Randy Jackson and Richard Hatch; people with no discernible skill or talent save that of appearing on TV cheaply. (BTW if you don't know who any of these people are, there's hope for the planet.)
Why would anyone be surprised that Richard Heene, with a taste of fame from that PBS look-alike "Wife Swap", would involve his family in a tortured scheme to return to the small screen in his very own reality show? Armed with nothing more than three exploitable children and a wife with the IQ of a Phillips screwdriver, Heene developed a scenario whereby all America would breathlessly follow the flight of a flying saucer made from Reynolds Wrap. Can you imagine how disappointed Geraldo Rivera was that he couldn't be at the crash site if only to discover that the balloon was as empty as Al Capone's Vault?
Well, no harm done. OK, so Denver Int'l was shut down for a time. Yes, two helicopters were scrambled to assist in a possible rescue. And law enforcement from all over Eastern Colorado wasted precious time and resources chasing after an inflated Crunch Bar wrapper. At least Mr. Heene got what he wanted...publicity. Tragically, like most reality shop asshats, Mr. Heene didn't think his plan all the way through. He didn't count on scientists calculating that, with the weight of a 37lb boy onboard, the balloon could never have taken off. Or, like W.C. Fields discovered, trying to get children to perform their lines can be a bitch.
If there's a God, Richard Heene and his mostly silent wife will get to refine their attention-getting plans as guests of the Colorado Department of Corrections. Perfect! With any luck, the entire Heene family will serve a few months in the hoosegow, only to be released in time for the fall TV lineup, 2010. If the DOC cooperates, we might even get some live feeds from inside the pen. Who wouldn't want to see Mr. Heene getting a man-part surprise in the shower or Mrs. Heene making an "arrangement" with a guard for a better mattress. That's entertainment.
Face it! If a women can get on TV for having eight children and Anna Nichole Smith can appear in an unscripted show highlighting her talent as a drunk and an opportunist, why shouldn't Richard Heene become the Mr. Wizard of 2009? Perhaps he could instruct children on the art of parlaying a high school knowledge of aviation into a multi-state hoax involving his own kids. Or a cooking show on the Food Network. He could demonstrate how to cook up a dangerous fabricated story that might have resulted in the injury of a rescuer. Given the craven nature of today's audiences and the number of hours of programming required by hundreds of cable outlets the possibilities are limitless.
Just remember as you're shaking your head at the continuing stream of facts coming from the Ft. Collins PD, if you even peek at "America's Got Talent" or "Nanny 911", you are an un-indicted co-conspirator. Believe it!
This is where we are, America. We can't read or support a newspaper. Can't think for ourselves. (Why bother when Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh have volunteered to tell us what to think?) Can't concentrate on a film story more complicated than Saw XXVI. And can't get passed the second paragraph of an on-line news feature. We have made it possible for cable television stations to survive with nothing more original than reruns of Wheel of Fortune and faux-reality shows. We have made stars out of Jon Gosselin, Randy Jackson and Richard Hatch; people with no discernible skill or talent save that of appearing on TV cheaply. (BTW if you don't know who any of these people are, there's hope for the planet.)
Why would anyone be surprised that Richard Heene, with a taste of fame from that PBS look-alike "Wife Swap", would involve his family in a tortured scheme to return to the small screen in his very own reality show? Armed with nothing more than three exploitable children and a wife with the IQ of a Phillips screwdriver, Heene developed a scenario whereby all America would breathlessly follow the flight of a flying saucer made from Reynolds Wrap. Can you imagine how disappointed Geraldo Rivera was that he couldn't be at the crash site if only to discover that the balloon was as empty as Al Capone's Vault?
Well, no harm done. OK, so Denver Int'l was shut down for a time. Yes, two helicopters were scrambled to assist in a possible rescue. And law enforcement from all over Eastern Colorado wasted precious time and resources chasing after an inflated Crunch Bar wrapper. At least Mr. Heene got what he wanted...publicity. Tragically, like most reality shop asshats, Mr. Heene didn't think his plan all the way through. He didn't count on scientists calculating that, with the weight of a 37lb boy onboard, the balloon could never have taken off. Or, like W.C. Fields discovered, trying to get children to perform their lines can be a bitch.
If there's a God, Richard Heene and his mostly silent wife will get to refine their attention-getting plans as guests of the Colorado Department of Corrections. Perfect! With any luck, the entire Heene family will serve a few months in the hoosegow, only to be released in time for the fall TV lineup, 2010. If the DOC cooperates, we might even get some live feeds from inside the pen. Who wouldn't want to see Mr. Heene getting a man-part surprise in the shower or Mrs. Heene making an "arrangement" with a guard for a better mattress. That's entertainment.
Face it! If a women can get on TV for having eight children and Anna Nichole Smith can appear in an unscripted show highlighting her talent as a drunk and an opportunist, why shouldn't Richard Heene become the Mr. Wizard of 2009? Perhaps he could instruct children on the art of parlaying a high school knowledge of aviation into a multi-state hoax involving his own kids. Or a cooking show on the Food Network. He could demonstrate how to cook up a dangerous fabricated story that might have resulted in the injury of a rescuer. Given the craven nature of today's audiences and the number of hours of programming required by hundreds of cable outlets the possibilities are limitless.
Just remember as you're shaking your head at the continuing stream of facts coming from the Ft. Collins PD, if you even peek at "America's Got Talent" or "Nanny 911", you are an un-indicted co-conspirator. Believe it!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
...or will newspapers be safe as long as the world needs birdcage liners?
Things you missed or saw but ignored:
Item
Rush Limbaugh, consummate showman and antagonist extraordinaire has withdrawn/been pushed out of a bid by Dave Checketts to purchase the St. Louis Rams football team. Limbaugh was to have been a silent partner (Insert snarky comment here!). Limbaugh was painted as a "distraction" by the Checketts group. That's code for " Limbaugh's seemingly racist comments over the years made him radioactive to the NFL and its players, 70% of whom are black". Few tears will be shed for Rush who has made the "love him or hate him" numbers of Howard Cossell look like Mahatma Gandhi.
Nevertheless, there is a principal involved and it's the sort of principal that keeps the ACLU in business. (The prospect of the ACLU defending Rush Limbaugh is enough to cause Glen Beck and Chris Mathews to have a simultaneous orgasm.) Why should Mr. Limbaugh be prohibited from owning a football team purchased with the revenues from his radio programs? You might not like his opinions but his popularity among his many fans is unquestioned. Should he be denied the opportunity to flush millions of dollars down an NFL toilet merely because we don't like his politics?
Let's remember the NFL comes by its probity somewhat recently. Tim Mara, former owner of the NY Football Giants and founding member of the NFL, was a bookmaker by trade. Edward DeBartolo, former owner of the San Francisco 49er's, once pled guilty in connection to a fraud and bribery case involving Edwin Edwards of Louisiana. If likability was a prerequisite for membership, few owners would make the grade. Everyone except Texans thinks that Jerry Jones is a loud-mouth jerk. Dan Snider, owner of the Redskins, is a guy with too many dollars and too little football sense. Rush Limbaugh should fit right in.
There is, however, a certain irony to a situation in which a man who refuses to acknowledge the existence of racism and prejudice should become one of its victims. Perhaps the next time Rush launches into one of his rants about the politically correct society in which we live, he might pause to reflect on how it feels to be excluded from a club for reasons other than merit.
When pigskins fly!
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Admit it! It hurts to look at Olympia Snowe. If that bun were any tighter, she'd look like an astronaut in a 5G simulator.
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Item
...and while we're on the subject, please explain why our healthcare legislation is being decided by Blue-dog senators from states with fewer actual people than attend an Ohio State football game on Saturday? The offenders include: Max Baucus, Montana; Tom Carper, Delaware; Kent Conrad, North Dakota; Mary Landrieu, Louisiana; Blanche Lincoln, Arkansas; the aforementioned Ms. Snowe of Maine and everyone's favorite pain-in-the-ass, Joe Lieberman, Connecticut. Do the math. These seven states represent 13.7 million citizens or 4% of the population. Even if you include Bill Nelson of Florida, you only get to 10%. I don't know about you but I prefer my legislation to be crafted by legislators who have some skin in the game. Montana mountain goats don't need much health care. Louisiana gators have almost no use for a public option. And for leadership we turn to Harry Reid, Nevada, pop. 2.6 million. Let's just have the whole healthcare bill drafted by Eni Fa'aua'a Hunkin Faleomavaega, Jr., non-voting delegate from American Samoa; population 65,000. Now we're cookin'.
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Rush Limbaugh, consummate showman and antagonist extraordinaire has withdrawn/been pushed out of a bid by Dave Checketts to purchase the St. Louis Rams football team. Limbaugh was to have been a silent partner (Insert snarky comment here!). Limbaugh was painted as a "distraction" by the Checketts group. That's code for " Limbaugh's seemingly racist comments over the years made him radioactive to the NFL and its players, 70% of whom are black". Few tears will be shed for Rush who has made the "love him or hate him" numbers of Howard Cossell look like Mahatma Gandhi.
Nevertheless, there is a principal involved and it's the sort of principal that keeps the ACLU in business. (The prospect of the ACLU defending Rush Limbaugh is enough to cause Glen Beck and Chris Mathews to have a simultaneous orgasm.) Why should Mr. Limbaugh be prohibited from owning a football team purchased with the revenues from his radio programs? You might not like his opinions but his popularity among his many fans is unquestioned. Should he be denied the opportunity to flush millions of dollars down an NFL toilet merely because we don't like his politics?
Let's remember the NFL comes by its probity somewhat recently. Tim Mara, former owner of the NY Football Giants and founding member of the NFL, was a bookmaker by trade. Edward DeBartolo, former owner of the San Francisco 49er's, once pled guilty in connection to a fraud and bribery case involving Edwin Edwards of Louisiana. If likability was a prerequisite for membership, few owners would make the grade. Everyone except Texans thinks that Jerry Jones is a loud-mouth jerk. Dan Snider, owner of the Redskins, is a guy with too many dollars and too little football sense. Rush Limbaugh should fit right in.
There is, however, a certain irony to a situation in which a man who refuses to acknowledge the existence of racism and prejudice should become one of its victims. Perhaps the next time Rush launches into one of his rants about the politically correct society in which we live, he might pause to reflect on how it feels to be excluded from a club for reasons other than merit.
When pigskins fly!
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Admit it! It hurts to look at Olympia Snowe. If that bun were any tighter, she'd look like an astronaut in a 5G simulator.
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...and while we're on the subject, please explain why our healthcare legislation is being decided by Blue-dog senators from states with fewer actual people than attend an Ohio State football game on Saturday? The offenders include: Max Baucus, Montana; Tom Carper, Delaware; Kent Conrad, North Dakota; Mary Landrieu, Louisiana; Blanche Lincoln, Arkansas; the aforementioned Ms. Snowe of Maine and everyone's favorite pain-in-the-ass, Joe Lieberman, Connecticut. Do the math. These seven states represent 13.7 million citizens or 4% of the population. Even if you include Bill Nelson of Florida, you only get to 10%. I don't know about you but I prefer my legislation to be crafted by legislators who have some skin in the game. Montana mountain goats don't need much health care. Louisiana gators have almost no use for a public option. And for leadership we turn to Harry Reid, Nevada, pop. 2.6 million. Let's just have the whole healthcare bill drafted by Eni Fa'aua'a Hunkin Faleomavaega, Jr., non-voting delegate from American Samoa; population 65,000. Now we're cookin'.
Monday, October 12, 2009
...or does irony really go well with herring?
We all need to stop picking on the Norwegians. Their choice of the sainted Barack Obama (may his burgers always arrive medium rare) may contain more wisdom than was originally believed. After all, they almost never get to honor anyone that anyone ever heard of. They award prizes in Physics, Medicine, Chemistry (actually the President should have nailed that one, too) and Economics to a deserving but largely anonymous group of academics. Even the Literature prize invariably goes to some third world scribbler who sells fewer books in a career than Dan Brown does at lunch on a Tuesday in Spokane. Seriously, in the last fifty years the Nobel Prize in Literature was awarded to exactly six people you ever heard of: John Steinbeck, Jean-Paul Sartre (he was too depressed to accept), Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, Saul Bellow, Toni Morrison and Harold Pinter. Maybe Samuel Beckett. Other notables include Nadine Gordimer, Orthan Pamuk and Naguib Mahfouz. Really? The entire list reads like the 1934 graduating class from Ellis Island.
Who can blame the electors in Stockholm for choosing a famous person for the Peace Prize? How else will Thorbjorn Jagland, Chairman of the Nobel Committee ever get Fox News to mispronounce his name? Face it, you're not going to appear on the front page of The New York Times (above the fold) for naming Rigoberta Menchu Tum, winner in 1992, to anything except his work on stomach acid.
Everyone knows that the Nobel Prize was named, and paid for, by Alfred Nobel the inventor of dynamite. That's akin to naming a congeniality award for Dick Cheney. In the true spirit of Mr. Nobel, the electors of the Prize decided to blow something up, namely the collective craniums of Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Sean Hannity and the entire editorial staff at The Wall Street Journal. Norway hasn't made that much noise since Knute Rockne showed Notre Dame how to fling a football.
Who can blame the electors in Stockholm for choosing a famous person for the Peace Prize? How else will Thorbjorn Jagland, Chairman of the Nobel Committee ever get Fox News to mispronounce his name? Face it, you're not going to appear on the front page of The New York Times (above the fold) for naming Rigoberta Menchu Tum, winner in 1992, to anything except his work on stomach acid.
Everyone knows that the Nobel Prize was named, and paid for, by Alfred Nobel the inventor of dynamite. That's akin to naming a congeniality award for Dick Cheney. In the true spirit of Mr. Nobel, the electors of the Prize decided to blow something up, namely the collective craniums of Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Sean Hannity and the entire editorial staff at The Wall Street Journal. Norway hasn't made that much noise since Knute Rockne showed Notre Dame how to fling a football.
Naturally, in the spirit of Cub fans who disdainfully reject home run souvenirs hit by opposing clubs, the wingnuts of the conservative right have virtually insisted that President Obama reject the Prize. William Kristol, linchpin writer for the Weekly Standard has affirmed that, because the President hasn't produced anything of value, he is unworthy of acclaim. Mr. Kristol may wish to remember his own words in the unlikely event that the Pulitzer committee comes calling.
Others, like Michelle Malkin of Fox News, suggest the $1.5 million-ish monetary prize that accompanies the Nobel medal be donated to the families of servicemen killed in the Iraq/Afghanistan Wars. How fitting that the network at the forefront of American aggression in the world also comfortably participates in the distribution of donations to those who have suffered most as a result of their bellicose rhetoric. No doubt Ms. Malkin will remember this expression of generosity the next time she receives a check for one of her speaking engagements.
Forgotten in all of the furor over The Obama Award is the one man with a genuine axe to grind: Bill Clinton. The man who brokered the Good Friday Accords in Ireland and worked tirelessly to bring peace to the Middle East (including sitting for days next to the soap-and-toothpaste-averse Yasser Arafat) has once again been passed over. Mr. Clinton has a case. Like Al Gore(2007), Jimmy Carter (2002) and Barack Obama, he too is "not George W. Bush". He can justifiably point to the fact that the Nobel Committee has kissed every Democratic ass short of Chuck Shumer in the last fifteen years. In 1994 the Nobel Committee honored everybody involved in the Middle East peace talks except the guy who catered the dinner. Still, no Bill Clinton.
Sadly,Bill may be doomed to share the historical shadows with Mohandas K. Gandhi, Pope John Paul II and Eleanor Roosevelt, all of whom were passed over by the Norwegians. (Gandhi was nominated five times. Apparently the Norwegians were concerned about the fashion issues involved with white tie and loin cloth.) President Clinton will have to draw solace from the knowledge that, with or without a Nobel Peace Prize, he still isn't George W. Bush. Thank heaven for small blessings.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
...or should army generals be more like umpires, doing their best work invisibly?
What do we make of Lt. General Stanley McChrystal? This is a tough one. Like General Patraeus, McChrystal is no poster boy for "kill 'em all and let God sort them out". He is intelligent, well educated, thoughtful & media savvy. His appearance on 60 Minutes was a clear and well presented statement of our goal in Afghanastan. He did not attempt to convince anyone of the righteousness of America's role in the region. He merely explained how he intended to proceed with the mission as he understood it. Seven years of Bush/Cheney and nine months of Obama/Biden have been less successful at explaining what we are trying to accomplish in this moonscape of a country. We were impressed.
Nevertheless, it was General McChrystal who was the pentagon pointman for the most disgraceful saga of the Bush Administration's pursuit of the absurd, obscene war in East Asia; the whitewash and cover-up of the death of Pat Tillman. As most people, know Pat Tillman was a highly regarded professional football player for the Arizona Cardinals who, in response to the attacks of 9-11, left a $3.6 million contract on the table to enlist in the Army Rangers. After two tours in Iraq and Afghanistan he was killed on April 22,2004.
Initially, Tillman's death was presented by the Army and the White House as the tragic loss of a true American patriot killed in the line of duty. This was six months before the presidential election and the Bush people were in the fight of their lives. A war hero was just what the doctor ordered. (Dr. Karl Rove, that is.) The White House had McChrystal and General John Abizaid, head of U.S. Army Central Command, award Tillman a Silver Star and posthumous promotion. A later investigation by General Gary Jones learned that Tillman was killed by friendly fire, possibly even intentionally. Subsequent investigations prove that both Abazaid and Gen. McChrystal knew of the circumstances of Tillman's death and proceeded with the cover-up and the awards. McChrystal actually wrote the details of the purported firefight that killed Tillman, singling him out for valor.
At Tillman's funeral, broadcast on national TV, senior military officers were told to lie to the Tillman family as were the attending members of Tillman's unit. Were it not for the tenacity of the Tillman family, determined to get the truth, the Army and the Bush White House might have succeeded with the whitewash. Pat Tillman was a true American hero. He didn't need the liars and spinmasters of the Bush White House to provide fake medals and bogus awards.
As for Stanley McChrystal, he wouldn't be the first good soldier to do a bad thing. He appears to understand what's needed in Afghanistan. We need a way out. We don't need "Wag the Dog".
Nevertheless, it was General McChrystal who was the pentagon pointman for the most disgraceful saga of the Bush Administration's pursuit of the absurd, obscene war in East Asia; the whitewash and cover-up of the death of Pat Tillman. As most people, know Pat Tillman was a highly regarded professional football player for the Arizona Cardinals who, in response to the attacks of 9-11, left a $3.6 million contract on the table to enlist in the Army Rangers. After two tours in Iraq and Afghanistan he was killed on April 22,2004.
Initially, Tillman's death was presented by the Army and the White House as the tragic loss of a true American patriot killed in the line of duty. This was six months before the presidential election and the Bush people were in the fight of their lives. A war hero was just what the doctor ordered. (Dr. Karl Rove, that is.) The White House had McChrystal and General John Abizaid, head of U.S. Army Central Command, award Tillman a Silver Star and posthumous promotion. A later investigation by General Gary Jones learned that Tillman was killed by friendly fire, possibly even intentionally. Subsequent investigations prove that both Abazaid and Gen. McChrystal knew of the circumstances of Tillman's death and proceeded with the cover-up and the awards. McChrystal actually wrote the details of the purported firefight that killed Tillman, singling him out for valor.
At Tillman's funeral, broadcast on national TV, senior military officers were told to lie to the Tillman family as were the attending members of Tillman's unit. Were it not for the tenacity of the Tillman family, determined to get the truth, the Army and the Bush White House might have succeeded with the whitewash. Pat Tillman was a true American hero. He didn't need the liars and spinmasters of the Bush White House to provide fake medals and bogus awards.
As for Stanley McChrystal, he wouldn't be the first good soldier to do a bad thing. He appears to understand what's needed in Afghanistan. We need a way out. We don't need "Wag the Dog".
Friday, October 02, 2009
...or is stalking really the sincerest form of flattery?
During the 3+ year existence of isitjustme (the anniversary was July 26 in case you wish to write it down), there has never been the need for a retraction or apology. (Unless you count the apology for comparing Dick Cheney to a flatulent baboon. We apologized to the baboon.) The reason for this hubris might be that isitjustme is never wrong. A more likely explanation is that I don't remember what was written from one day to the next and therefore can't recall the reason for the apology. Nevertheless, before I forget the reason for this mea culpa, allow me to elaborate.
In a posting dated 9/28/09 I opined that the US government certainly had better things to do than pursue a 76 year old film maker on a 31 year old statutory rape conviction. It was suggested that Roman Polanski should be left to live out his remaining years sipping chardonnay, munching camenbert and wondering what the French see in Jerry Lewis. This ill-considered position was taken merely as a response to the fanfare arrest in Switzerland and the knee-jerk reaction of the French. Now, like the French, I too, must reconsider.
In 1978, nine years after the tragic murder of his wife at their Beverly Hills home, Polanski drugged and seduced a 13 year old girl at the home of Jack Nicholson. Not a 17 year old starlet who looked 22. Not even a willing 15 year old. The child was drunk and doped with half a quaalude. The original charges included: rape with the use of drugs, sodomy, and lewd and lascivious acts upon a child under 14. Polanski admitted the crime when he was arrested and rather than be tried and sentenced to 10 or so years in Soledad prison, he pled guilty to a lesser charge of "engaging in unlawful sex with a minor". How that differs from statutory rape, you will have to ask the legislators of California. Fearing that his plea bargain would be ignored by the presiding judge, Polanski beat feet for England then France where, as a French citizen, he could avoid extradition.
Now that the Swiss have handcuffed Polanski to a giant cuckoo clock awaiting a one way trip to the good old USA, the Hollywood community has rushed to the defense of one of their own. Whoopie Goldberg, who has one daughter and two grand daughters, had the colossal chutzpah to suggest that "it wasn't rape-rape". Apparently, in the confused mind of Ms. Goldberg, if the attacker doesn't jump out of the bushes and beat the hell out of the victim, it's not rape. Really? Would that be true if the perp hadn't directed Chinatown?
In another world-turned-upside-down moment, Woody Allen has weighed in as a supporter of the "free Roman" movement. Woody, who subscribes to the tenet that, when it comes to seducing young people there's no place like home, has added his name to the more than 100 Hollywood heavies who believe that Polanski has suffered enough. Clearly, waiting til Monday for Sunday's Times and denied the joy of watching the Dodgers in person is a cross too terrible to bear. Death, where is thy sting? When Woody Allen is the guy defending your morals, you had better have a good lawyer.
Movie mogul Harvey Weinstein, the person circulating the petition to free Polanski, has opined that poor Roman has served his time. He accuses the US government of criminal conduct for reneging on the plea agreement in 1979. He asserts that the "so-called crime" pales in comparison to the unequalled oeuvre amassed by this great artist. Jesus, where is the blacklist when you really need it?
Just in case you are on the fence about this (old crime...victim who forgives the perp...old man...great director) remember the interview that Polanski gave in 1979 to Martin Amis. He said (pardon the language) "...if I had killed someone, it wouldn't have had so much appeal to the press, you see. But fucking and the young girls...everyone wants to fuck young girls". Even if that were true, most people wouldn't feel justified in including champagne and quaaludes in the seduction. But then most of us aren't great artists, thank God.
In a posting dated 9/28/09 I opined that the US government certainly had better things to do than pursue a 76 year old film maker on a 31 year old statutory rape conviction. It was suggested that Roman Polanski should be left to live out his remaining years sipping chardonnay, munching camenbert and wondering what the French see in Jerry Lewis. This ill-considered position was taken merely as a response to the fanfare arrest in Switzerland and the knee-jerk reaction of the French. Now, like the French, I too, must reconsider.
In 1978, nine years after the tragic murder of his wife at their Beverly Hills home, Polanski drugged and seduced a 13 year old girl at the home of Jack Nicholson. Not a 17 year old starlet who looked 22. Not even a willing 15 year old. The child was drunk and doped with half a quaalude. The original charges included: rape with the use of drugs, sodomy, and lewd and lascivious acts upon a child under 14. Polanski admitted the crime when he was arrested and rather than be tried and sentenced to 10 or so years in Soledad prison, he pled guilty to a lesser charge of "engaging in unlawful sex with a minor". How that differs from statutory rape, you will have to ask the legislators of California. Fearing that his plea bargain would be ignored by the presiding judge, Polanski beat feet for England then France where, as a French citizen, he could avoid extradition.
Now that the Swiss have handcuffed Polanski to a giant cuckoo clock awaiting a one way trip to the good old USA, the Hollywood community has rushed to the defense of one of their own. Whoopie Goldberg, who has one daughter and two grand daughters, had the colossal chutzpah to suggest that "it wasn't rape-rape". Apparently, in the confused mind of Ms. Goldberg, if the attacker doesn't jump out of the bushes and beat the hell out of the victim, it's not rape. Really? Would that be true if the perp hadn't directed Chinatown?
In another world-turned-upside-down moment, Woody Allen has weighed in as a supporter of the "free Roman" movement. Woody, who subscribes to the tenet that, when it comes to seducing young people there's no place like home, has added his name to the more than 100 Hollywood heavies who believe that Polanski has suffered enough. Clearly, waiting til Monday for Sunday's Times and denied the joy of watching the Dodgers in person is a cross too terrible to bear. Death, where is thy sting? When Woody Allen is the guy defending your morals, you had better have a good lawyer.
Movie mogul Harvey Weinstein, the person circulating the petition to free Polanski, has opined that poor Roman has served his time. He accuses the US government of criminal conduct for reneging on the plea agreement in 1979. He asserts that the "so-called crime" pales in comparison to the unequalled oeuvre amassed by this great artist. Jesus, where is the blacklist when you really need it?
Just in case you are on the fence about this (old crime...victim who forgives the perp...old man...great director) remember the interview that Polanski gave in 1979 to Martin Amis. He said (pardon the language) "...if I had killed someone, it wouldn't have had so much appeal to the press, you see. But fucking and the young girls...everyone wants to fuck young girls". Even if that were true, most people wouldn't feel justified in including champagne and quaaludes in the seduction. But then most of us aren't great artists, thank God.
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