Drum roll please!
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. It is with great shame and regret that I present to you the winner (if winner is the word) of The Isitjustme First Annual Asshat of the Year award. I give you Louie Gohmert, Congressman from the First District of Texas. In a year filled with bad actors: Charlie Sheen, the entire Republican presidential candidate field, the captain of the Costa Concordia, Lindsay Lohan, etc., Louie was an easy choice. A man who has pathologically come down on the wrong side of every issue, cannot go unrecognized.
Let's begin with a brief look at the Texas First District. Wedged up against Louisiana in the extreme Eastern part of the state, Texas First District is distinguished primarily for its lack of distinction. It contains no major population centers and, in all, comprises about 651,000 souls none of whom are quite clever enough to get out of East Texas. Once part of Texarkana (wherever that is) the district was gerrymandered into existence in the Great Tom DeLay Debacle of 1983. Our boy Louie came on the scene in 2005 as the first Republican Congressman from that district since Reconstruction. Who says Texans are slow to adapt?
Up until his rise to the national stage, Mr. Gohmert was a promising if unremarkable star in the GOP firmament. Educated at Texas A and M; and Baylor Law, Louie did four years in the JAG Corp. at Fort Benning, GA. Though the legal branch of the Army affords little opportunity for armed combat, Louie nevertheless developed a strange love of firearms. Being from Texas it's easy to write this off to inbreeding but Gohmert has raised a simple firearms fetish to an unholy lust for the smell of gunpowder, presumably, as long as he wasn't the target
Totally unafraid of being labeled a kook or a gun nut, Louie Gohmert has waged a constant campaign for the irrational, incomprehensible and ludicrous idea that there is no problem in America that can't be solved with the use of automatic weapons. That sort of single-mindedness is rare in our society today (Thank God!) Gohmert suggested if the patrons of that movie theater in Aurora, Colorado (where 12 died in a hail of gunfire from James Earl Holmes) had been armed, fewer folks would have died. (I'm assuming Louie has petitioned the State of Texas to arm ticket-takers and candy counter personnel.) Immediately following the horrific shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, only Louie Gohmert stood up and declared that an armed school principal, locked and loaded, would have saved those kids. Can you think of a candidate more deserving of distinction as America's most prominent Asshat?
Actually, Congressman Gohmert's achievements aren't limited to his unconventional views on firearms. Louie was a strong supporter of the Trans-Alaska pipeline as a means to encourage caribou to have more sex. He suggested (with a straight face) that the warm oil flowing through the pipe would invite caribou to "date". This marked the first time in the history of its publishing that The Onion could not think of a single way to create a parody from a story. Naturally Gohmert believes that man-made climate change is a hoax. He supports strong anti-immigration laws and has even uncovered a sinister plot whereby sneaky terrorists are coming to the U.S. to have babies who will be trained to attack America. In his campaign on "terror babies" Louie has been undeterred by the total lack of evidence of such a plot or any explanation as to why terrorists would need to be born here in order to attack us.
Ever vigilant to the ways of evil-doers and bad actors, it was Congressman Gohmert, along with such bright lights as Michele Bachmann, who questioned the patriotism of Huma Abedin, Deputy Chief of Staff at the State Dept. It seems that Ms. Abedin had a brother whose next-door neighbor's barber roomed with the grandson of a member of the Muslim Brotherhood at summer camp. Thank God for the tireless work of witch-hunters like Bachmann and Gohmert who, in their single-minded pursuit of phantoms and red herrings, are never bothered by how foolish they look or how much damage they do.
So bravo to Congressman Louie Gohmert, a man whose devotion to wrong-headedness and gun lunacy is exceeded only by the apathy of the appleheads from East Texas who have returned him to Congress five times. We can only hope that, in the near future, we will open our email and discover that Congressman Gohmert has risen to the pinnacle of gun prominence; namely as a recipient of the Darwin Award for having accidentally shot himself in the nuts.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
...or are we all prepared to accept responsibility for the killings in Newtown, CT?
If you get a chance (and they haven't taken it down by now) check out the National Rifle Association web site. Wayne LaPierre, Exec. VP of the gang is bragging that, in Virginia, an increase of 73% in gun sales has resulted in a decrease of 27% of gun crimes. Let's forget for a minute that these statistics have zero to do with each other. Gun sales in Virginia, the State that gave us Seung-Hui Cho and 32 dead at Virginia Tech, is up 73%. I don't swear much in these rants but, are you fucking kidding me?
I've got statistics for you...
80 dead in mass shooting incidents in this country in 2012 alone.
9,000 gun homicides a year. That doesn't include 51% of the suicides.
20 children dead in a Connecticut grade school eleven days before Christmas.
So, whether you are a conservative or a liberal, please tell me when we stop whining and building monuments and start addressing the problem. I don't need to see my President weeping at the podium. I need to see him on the barricades fighting for gun laws. I have had enough of meaningless eulogies. Hell, we lost 3,000 souls on 9-11 and we declared war on two countries. We lose 9,000 people every year to mindless gun violence and our response is buy more guns. After the massacre at Virginia Tech there were state legislators who advocated for students to carry guns to class. In the wake of the Aurora, Colorado theater shooting, one NRA moron opined that, if more of the theater patrons had been armed the death toll would have been lower. By that logic, we should ensure that all teachers in public schools are packing heat. It's that sort of thinking that will guarantee that incidents like Newtown , CT will continue.
This isn't complicated. We are not hopelessly addicted to killing each other. There can be compromise. The NRA needs to understand that there is no slippery slope to the universal confiscation of guns. You are being lied to by your leadership. We can ban assault rifles without endangering the rights of hunters. We can chemically tag ammunition for identification. We can track the purchase of bullets. Currently, the Dept of Homeland Security knows if you buy any large quantity of ammonium nitrate, the high nitrogen fertilizer that was used in the Oklahoma City blast in 1995. However, anyone can stroll into Walmart and buy enough 9mm ammo to arm a Mexican drug cartel without so much as a ripple appearing on any government radar. Does that make sense to you? Mr. LaPierre I'm talking to you.
You're being laughed at folks. The gun lobby knows that your attention span can be measured in hours. They have your senator and congressman by the balls and they know you are powerless and too lazy to fix it. You can stand in meaningless vigils outside the White House or wherever and, although it might make you feel good, nothing will happen. Go stand vigil at a gun shop or Walmart. (Walmart is the largest seller of guns in America. They actually had a Black Friday gun special.) Pick up a copy of today's paper with the headline about the killings in Connecticut and deliver it to your state representative. Organize a march on Springfield, MA (home of Smith and Wesson) or New Haven, CT (HQ for Winchester Repeating Arms Co.). Tell them that you want them to lobby for sensible gun laws or we'll put them out of business. If we don't get mad and stay mad then we'd better just accept that this crazy gun culture will continue to consume us.
In any event, stop acting like we are in any way innocent of this tragedy. We light our little candles, profess shock and horror and then we go home and wait for the next gun nightmare. Please review the definition of madness. We are living it and we are responsible for it..
I've got statistics for you...
80 dead in mass shooting incidents in this country in 2012 alone.
9,000 gun homicides a year. That doesn't include 51% of the suicides.
20 children dead in a Connecticut grade school eleven days before Christmas.
So, whether you are a conservative or a liberal, please tell me when we stop whining and building monuments and start addressing the problem. I don't need to see my President weeping at the podium. I need to see him on the barricades fighting for gun laws. I have had enough of meaningless eulogies. Hell, we lost 3,000 souls on 9-11 and we declared war on two countries. We lose 9,000 people every year to mindless gun violence and our response is buy more guns. After the massacre at Virginia Tech there were state legislators who advocated for students to carry guns to class. In the wake of the Aurora, Colorado theater shooting, one NRA moron opined that, if more of the theater patrons had been armed the death toll would have been lower. By that logic, we should ensure that all teachers in public schools are packing heat. It's that sort of thinking that will guarantee that incidents like Newtown , CT will continue.
This isn't complicated. We are not hopelessly addicted to killing each other. There can be compromise. The NRA needs to understand that there is no slippery slope to the universal confiscation of guns. You are being lied to by your leadership. We can ban assault rifles without endangering the rights of hunters. We can chemically tag ammunition for identification. We can track the purchase of bullets. Currently, the Dept of Homeland Security knows if you buy any large quantity of ammonium nitrate, the high nitrogen fertilizer that was used in the Oklahoma City blast in 1995. However, anyone can stroll into Walmart and buy enough 9mm ammo to arm a Mexican drug cartel without so much as a ripple appearing on any government radar. Does that make sense to you? Mr. LaPierre I'm talking to you.
You're being laughed at folks. The gun lobby knows that your attention span can be measured in hours. They have your senator and congressman by the balls and they know you are powerless and too lazy to fix it. You can stand in meaningless vigils outside the White House or wherever and, although it might make you feel good, nothing will happen. Go stand vigil at a gun shop or Walmart. (Walmart is the largest seller of guns in America. They actually had a Black Friday gun special.) Pick up a copy of today's paper with the headline about the killings in Connecticut and deliver it to your state representative. Organize a march on Springfield, MA (home of Smith and Wesson) or New Haven, CT (HQ for Winchester Repeating Arms Co.). Tell them that you want them to lobby for sensible gun laws or we'll put them out of business. If we don't get mad and stay mad then we'd better just accept that this crazy gun culture will continue to consume us.
In any event, stop acting like we are in any way innocent of this tragedy. We light our little candles, profess shock and horror and then we go home and wait for the next gun nightmare. Please review the definition of madness. We are living it and we are responsible for it..
Friday, December 14, 2012
or is the fiscal cliff just an excuse to keep us from watching the real news?
Just think of them as Fiscal Cliff notes:
Item
A German man reported that his girlfriend tried to suffocate him when he explained that he was planning to leave her. The victim, Mr. Tim Schmidt told police that when he advised Ms. Franziska Hansen that their relationship was at an end, her response was to restrict his ability to breathe. Because there was no garrott available and pillows were unreliable (though they were in bed at the time), Ms. Hansen proceeded to do the job with her size 38DD breasts. Whoa! Didn't see that coming. Neither apparently did Mr. Schmidt. "She just grabbed my head and pushed it between her breasts with all her force. I thought I was going to die." It probably took him a full minute to realize that this gesture was not so much amorous as felonious. Having confessed to this mammary assault, Ms. Hansen stated "I wanted his death to be as pleasurable as possible." Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor?
__________________________________________________________________________________
Item
Roman Catholics around the world who make it a point never to follow the Pope about anything can now follow him on Twitter... or maybe not follow him on Twitter. Yes folks, the church that is famous for trying to recreate the fourteenth century here in the 21st has gone hi tech. The Papacy, never known for its brevity, will now attempt to reduce Christ's teachings to messages of 140 characters or less. A whole new language of tweet-speak abbreviations will be born:
"YG2H" - you're going to hell;
"missed your . (period)? Don't even think about abortion";
#pedophile;
"ICYMI no bc in cs" - "In Case You Missed It no birth control in catholic schools"
"TL;DR" - "Too Long; Didn't Read" (usually applied to encyclicals)
"BMH" - a variation of SMH-shaking my head. In this case "bowing my head".
Catholics can now follow along with the Pope's daily activities. Tweets like "child abuse in Ireland? maybe, but what about that great music." or "what to get Sandra Fluke for xmas? what about a nice excommunication?" We can find out what the Pope eats for lunch "pasta @ Vatican commissary sucks" We will learn how His Holiness handles the awesome responsibility of infallibility "Newest proclamation...Suspenders can now be worn with a belt" We'll even know what the Pope is reading these days "Started Fifty Shades of Grey. Thought it was a clothing catalog. My bad"
The Pope already has half a million followers and he hasn't even tweeted his first recipe. Thanks to the technology of Twitter, The Holy Father can now be ignored by thousands of Catholics who previously could only disregard his medieval ramblings in newspapers or from the pulpit. Seriously, who wouldn't want to read daily postings from an 85 year old priest who wears a bathrobe and hardly ever leaves the house? Considering that his day consists of three meals and about 400 blessings, Pope Benedict XVI isn't likey to be confused with Russell Brand. Now if someone can hook up Silvio Berlusconi on Twitter, that would be worth reading.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Item
In case you think that Republicans have learned anything from their recent train wreck at the polls, here are a few clues:
The Republicans who run the state of Oklahoma have erected a new monument at the state house...a copy of the Ten Commandments. Haven't we already had this fight?
Marco Rubio was asked in an interview by GQ magazine how old he thinks the earth is. Rather than attempt a scientific answer (4.5 billion years is the current estimate) Rubio stammered out some drivel about not being a scientist and allowing that there are many answers to that question. Presumably one of those "answers" is "considering the Flintstone's celebrate Christmas, I'm thinking 6,000 years".
It would appear that the GOP is not yet ready to step away from the Christian Right. Be prepared to see a continuation of the social issues nonsense that has plagued the Republicans since Reagan. Perhaps their candidate in 2016 will prepare a better concession speech that Romney's. He'll need it.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Item
Cuba has decided to give its citizens a taste of twenth-first century capitalism. Beginning next year Cubans will have the privledge of paying income taxes. One would have thought the Cuban government would wait until its people actually had an income to tax. At this point, taxing the Cubans would be like taxing the homeless. (Taxing the homeless is better known as the Cantor, DeMint Plan)
Item
A German man reported that his girlfriend tried to suffocate him when he explained that he was planning to leave her. The victim, Mr. Tim Schmidt told police that when he advised Ms. Franziska Hansen that their relationship was at an end, her response was to restrict his ability to breathe. Because there was no garrott available and pillows were unreliable (though they were in bed at the time), Ms. Hansen proceeded to do the job with her size 38DD breasts. Whoa! Didn't see that coming. Neither apparently did Mr. Schmidt. "She just grabbed my head and pushed it between her breasts with all her force. I thought I was going to die." It probably took him a full minute to realize that this gesture was not so much amorous as felonious. Having confessed to this mammary assault, Ms. Hansen stated "I wanted his death to be as pleasurable as possible." Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor?
__________________________________________________________________________________
Item
Roman Catholics around the world who make it a point never to follow the Pope about anything can now follow him on Twitter... or maybe not follow him on Twitter. Yes folks, the church that is famous for trying to recreate the fourteenth century here in the 21st has gone hi tech. The Papacy, never known for its brevity, will now attempt to reduce Christ's teachings to messages of 140 characters or less. A whole new language of tweet-speak abbreviations will be born:
"YG2H" - you're going to hell;
"missed your . (period)? Don't even think about abortion";
#pedophile;
"ICYMI no bc in cs" - "In Case You Missed It no birth control in catholic schools"
"TL;DR" - "Too Long; Didn't Read" (usually applied to encyclicals)
"BMH" - a variation of SMH-shaking my head. In this case "bowing my head".
Catholics can now follow along with the Pope's daily activities. Tweets like "child abuse in Ireland? maybe, but what about that great music." or "what to get Sandra Fluke for xmas? what about a nice excommunication?" We can find out what the Pope eats for lunch "pasta @ Vatican commissary sucks" We will learn how His Holiness handles the awesome responsibility of infallibility "Newest proclamation...Suspenders can now be worn with a belt" We'll even know what the Pope is reading these days "Started Fifty Shades of Grey. Thought it was a clothing catalog. My bad"
The Pope already has half a million followers and he hasn't even tweeted his first recipe. Thanks to the technology of Twitter, The Holy Father can now be ignored by thousands of Catholics who previously could only disregard his medieval ramblings in newspapers or from the pulpit. Seriously, who wouldn't want to read daily postings from an 85 year old priest who wears a bathrobe and hardly ever leaves the house? Considering that his day consists of three meals and about 400 blessings, Pope Benedict XVI isn't likey to be confused with Russell Brand. Now if someone can hook up Silvio Berlusconi on Twitter, that would be worth reading.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Item
In case you think that Republicans have learned anything from their recent train wreck at the polls, here are a few clues:
The Republicans who run the state of Oklahoma have erected a new monument at the state house...a copy of the Ten Commandments. Haven't we already had this fight?
Marco Rubio was asked in an interview by GQ magazine how old he thinks the earth is. Rather than attempt a scientific answer (4.5 billion years is the current estimate) Rubio stammered out some drivel about not being a scientist and allowing that there are many answers to that question. Presumably one of those "answers" is "considering the Flintstone's celebrate Christmas, I'm thinking 6,000 years".
It would appear that the GOP is not yet ready to step away from the Christian Right. Be prepared to see a continuation of the social issues nonsense that has plagued the Republicans since Reagan. Perhaps their candidate in 2016 will prepare a better concession speech that Romney's. He'll need it.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Item
Cuba has decided to give its citizens a taste of twenth-first century capitalism. Beginning next year Cubans will have the privledge of paying income taxes. One would have thought the Cuban government would wait until its people actually had an income to tax. At this point, taxing the Cubans would be like taxing the homeless. (Taxing the homeless is better known as the Cantor, DeMint Plan)
Friday, December 07, 2012
...or do some people just get it?
Isitjustme has never reprinted anyone else's work in its entirety before. So why now? Because up until now I never found anything worthy of the honor. Then I saw the Letter of Eric Garland (thank you Mr. Woods).
Eric Garland is an author and, more importantly, a thinker. His "letter" is the single most concise and intelligent explanation as to why the GOP lost and will continue to lose. Enjoy!
Letter to a future Republican strategist regarding white people
To whom it may concern regarding the United States federal elections of 2014, 2016 and beyond:
Allow me to introduce myself to you, the existing (or aspiring!) strategist for the Republican Party. My name is Eric Arnold Garland and I am a White Man. Boy, am I ever – you need sunglasses just to look at my photo!
If I read the news correctly, I fit a profile that is of extreme importance to the GOP, as I embody the archetype that fits your narrative of Real Americans. Just how much should my profile interest you? Are you sitting down?
- My family lineage goes back to the MAYFLOWER, BOAT ONE!!! (Garland family of New England-> John Adams -> John Alden -> Plymouth colony ->KINGS OF MUTHAF***IN’ ENGLAND)
- I am a heterosexual, married to the super Caucasian mother of my two beautiful children who are, inexplicably, EVEN WHITER THAN I AM.
- I am college educated (Master’s degree!) and affluent.
- I am a job creator and small businessman.
- We pay a lot of taxes! Every year!
- I grew up in a rural area and despise laziness!
- Having started my own business, I have complained at length about the insanity of federal, state and local bureaucracy – and its deleterious impact on the innovative small businessman.
- I currently live in the suburbs in a historically Red state.
How can I put this gently? My wife and I are not sensitive to your messaging, nor did we vote for the candidates you proposed for us this past Tuesday.
B-b-but, what? Aren’t we investors, hard-workin’ white folk surrounded by same in a manicured cul-de-sac, scared by a vision of economic collapse amidst the takers in a land of fewer givers? Didn’t Mitt Romney’s strong family, wealth, leadership history and chiseled chin give us the uncontrollable urge to high-five him into the White House?
No.
May I explain why not, purely for your education, such that you might be interested in winning an election on the national level at some point in the future? It bears pointing out that I should be your Low Hanging Fruit, the easy vote to get as opposed to, say, African-Americans, Latinos, or Asians – and you’re not even speaking well to me. The reasons why ought to concern you deeply.
As a Card-Carrying White Male I love expressing my opinion irrespective of whether people care to hear it, so let’s get started.
>>>>>>
Science - One of the reasons my family is affluent is that my wife and I have a collective fifteen years of university education between us. I have a Masters degree in Science and Technology Policy, and my wife is a physician who holds degrees in medicine as well as cell and molecular biology. We are really quite unimpressed with Congressional representatives such as Todd Akin and Paul Broun who actually serve on the House science committee and who believe, respectively, that rape does not cause pregnancy and that evolution and astrophysics are lies straight from Satan’s butt cheeks. These are, sadly, only two of innumerable assaults that the Republican Party has made against hard science – with nothing to say of logic in general. Please understand the unbearable tension this might create between us and your candidates.
Climate - Within just the past 18 months the following events have come to our attention: a record-breaking drought that sent temperatures over 100 degrees for weeks, killing half the corn in the Midwest and half the TREES on our suburban property – AND – a hurricane that drowned not New Orleans or Tampa or North Carolina but my native state of VERMONT. As an encore, a second hurricane drowned lower Manhattan, New Jersey and Long Island. The shouted views of decrepit mental fossil Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma that this is a fraud perpetrated on the American people by evil, conspiring climate scientists is belied by such events and is looking irresponsible to even the most skeptical.
Healthcare - My wife and I are quite familiar with America’s healthcare system due to our professions, and having lived abroad extensively, also very aware of comparable systems. Your party’s insistence on declaring the private U.S. healthcare system “the best in the world” fails nearly every factual measure available to any curious mind. We watch our country piss away 60% more expenditures than the next most expensive system (Switzerland) for health outcomes that rival former Soviet bloc nations. On a personal scale, my wife watches poor WORKING people show up in emergency rooms with fourth-stage cancer because they were unable to afford primary care visits. I have watched countless small businesses unable to attract talented workers because of the outrageous and climbing cost of private insurance. And I watch European and Asian businesses outpace American companies because they can attract that talent without asking people to risk bankruptcy and death. That you think this state of affairs is somehow preferable to “Obamacare,” which you compared ludicrously to Trotskyite Russian communism, is a sign of deficient minds unfit to guide health policy in America.
War - Nations do have to go to war sometimes, but that Iraq thing was pretty bad, to put it mildly. Somebody should have been, I dunno – FIRED for bad performance. Aren’t you the party of good corporate managers or something? This topic could get 10,000 words on its own. Let’s just leave it at: You guys suck at running wars.
Deficits and debt - Whenever the GOP is out of power, it immediately appeals to the imagination of voters who remember the Lyndon Baines Johnson (!) administration and claim that the Republican alternative is the party of “cutting spending” and “reducing the deficit.” The only problem with your claim is that Republican governments throughout my entire 38 year life (Reagan, Bush 41, Bush 43) have failed to cut spending and deficit and debt EVEN ONCE. I hope you understand that your credibility suffers every time you promise one thing for three decades and do the EXACT OPPOSITE. Egads – if you actually were the party of fiscal responsibility – you might win our votes despite your 13th century view of science!
Gay marriage - As the child of Baby Boomers who got divorced (as was the fashion!) in the 80s and 90s, and for whom 50% of my friends had their homes broken by divorce in the critical years before age 18, I sure am unsympathetic to your caterwauling bullshit that “gays will destroy the sanctity of marriage.” Perhaps if everyone in your generation didn’t take the period of 1978 – 1995 to start surreptitiously banging their neighbors and coworkers, only to abandon their kids because “they just weren’t happy,” I would take your defense of marriage more seriously. The institution of Middle Class suburban marriage was broken by the generation of aging white Baby Boomers who populate what is left of the Republican Party, so your defense is wrongheaded and disingenuous. And moreover, as someone who got called “faggot” about 127 times a day from the years 1985 through 1991 – guess what – I grew up to be pretty good friends with actual homosexuals, whose sexual orientation is usually the least significant thing about them. The Republican perseveration on homosexuals as any sort of threat consigns them to history’s trough of intellectual pig dung.
>>>>>>
That’s quite enough for one essay, wouldn’t you say? Now, given my initial description as a wealthy, hard-working, job creating, heterosexual, married suburban White Male – doesn’t your current platform look woefully insufficient to the task of gaining my vote? This doesn’t even get into the demographic tensions that show that people of my exact profile are going away permanently in America. You can’t even win on what you perceive to be “home field advantage.”
Uh oh, wait, I can already hear you through the web browser, dismissing all of my above points because THAT GUY WAS NEVER GONNA BE A REPUBLICAN ANYHOW, CUZ HE’S A LIBRUL WHO HATES AMERICA AND…
All right, let’s do one last point:
Meanness- Your party is really mean, mocking and demonizing everyone who does not follow you into the pits of hell. You constantly imply – as Mitt Romney did in his “47% speech” – that anybody who disagrees with you does so not by logic or moral conviction, but because they are shiftless, lazy parasites who want “free stuff” from “traditional Americans.” Wow, you guys managed to follow up a stunning electoral defeat with insulting the very people you wish to attract for a majority in the political system! Brilliant! You are losing elections because being angry and defensive and just-plain-mean is more important than being smart and winning elections – and thus you deserve everything happening to you.
If you want to know exactly where you failed in 2012, and will continue to fail, here it is. Look you assholes, I’m as traditional an American as it gets, and I do not “want free stuff.” I am a taxpayer, and ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I got my first job – dragging bags of cow manure, horse feed and fertilizer around a farm store – when I was 12. I started my first company when I was 28. I have followed the vast majority of the rules set out for middle class white males (for good and for ill.) And if it weren’t bad enough that your policy positions are a complete clusterfuck for the reasons I lay out in great detail, you manage to follow up the whole exercise with insulting me, my wife, and my friends of every stripe who didn’t vote for your political party – all of whom are hard-working, taxpaying, job creating, law abiding, great AMERICANS of EVERY COLOR AND CREED.
From this white, Mayflower-descended strategic analyst, allow me to offer you the three strategic options you have before you:
1. You drastically moderate your platform to harmonize with the policy positions I present above
2. You disband the party and reorganize it to reflect current realities
3. You kick and scream and stamp your feet and call me and my friends names – and submit to several decades of one party rule
While I do not want a one-party system, I also don’t particularly care which of these options you choose. If you look carefully at the numbers on Tuesday, nobody else cares, either.
Just a word to the wise from one White Man to (presumably) another.
Saturday, December 01, 2012
or is biting the hand that feeds you OK if God told you to?
If you know who Angus T. Jones is you probably watch too much television. I personally have been watching young Mr. Jones in his role as the mentally challenged son of Alan Harper on CBS's Two and a Half Men for about ten years. That roughly coincides with how long the show has been running. During that time Mr. Jones' character Jake has grown from a dim-bulb child of ten-ish into a dim-bulb 19 year old cook in the US Army. Army cooks should call their unoin about defamation. Jake has grown up on the show virtually untouched by education of any kind. Jones is currently an infrequent presence on the show, apparently coinciding with creator Chuck Lorre's feeling that stupid is only funny for so long. Program note: if you feel the need to watch really stupid people saying incredibly stupid things, Fox News has just what you're looking for.
Up until now I was pretty sure that Mr. Jones was merely playing the part of a dolt. That notion evaporated this week when a You Tube video surfaced (don't they always) that has young Angus proclaiming that Two and a Half Men is "filth" and begging his audience not to watch the show. No one should be surprised to learn that this bit of soul searching arose out of an interview with the Forerunner Christian Church, an Alabama sect with presumably fewer adherents than the audience of 2&1/2 Men.
Having just scrubbed off the stink that was Charlie Sheen, the last thing Mr. Lorre and CBS needed was viral abuse from a whelp of an actor who owes his entire professional career (and $350,000 per episode) to them. However, in a flip that would have made Mitt Romney proud, Mr. Jones has recanted. Assured that the Forerunner Church was unwilling and unable to match the $350,000 that CBS provides, Angus released a statement that is sure to make the cover of Ass Kissers of America magazine. " I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference or disrespect and lack of appreciation blah, blah.." He did everything but offer to wash Mr. Lorre's car.
Apparently Mr. Jones isn't as dumb as his character. In spite of the toxic encouragement of the afore-mentioned Charlie Sheen, Angus must have understood that his chances of replicating the Two & 1/2 Men gig was about the same as Mr. Sheen's chances of kicking drugs and booze. (Seriously, when Charlie Sheen tells you to turn left, don't turn right. Exit the vehicle and run away.) Sheen is currently appearing in a Two & 1/2 Men ripoff called Anger Management. His audience approximates the attendance of Sunday services at the Forerunner Christian Church.
So far there has been no comment from CBS or Chuck Lorre Productions. Mr. Lorre also produces "Mike and Molly" and "The Big Bang Theory". At this point he needs Angus T. Jones like Mitt Romney needs an inauguration speech. Lorrie is famous (among those of us with too much time on our hands and a DVR) for publishing small-type screeds at the end of his shows. Whether his next effort will include anything about one-trick actors who forget how quickly Mel Gibson went from leading the Scots in rebellion to talking to a stuffed beaver, is any one's guess. If Angus Jones finds that he is no longer welcome on the set of Two & Half Men he can always find a place on the altar at the Forerunner Christian Church. The pastor can point to him as as example of "pride goeth before the fall".
Up until now I was pretty sure that Mr. Jones was merely playing the part of a dolt. That notion evaporated this week when a You Tube video surfaced (don't they always) that has young Angus proclaiming that Two and a Half Men is "filth" and begging his audience not to watch the show. No one should be surprised to learn that this bit of soul searching arose out of an interview with the Forerunner Christian Church, an Alabama sect with presumably fewer adherents than the audience of 2&1/2 Men.
Having just scrubbed off the stink that was Charlie Sheen, the last thing Mr. Lorre and CBS needed was viral abuse from a whelp of an actor who owes his entire professional career (and $350,000 per episode) to them. However, in a flip that would have made Mitt Romney proud, Mr. Jones has recanted. Assured that the Forerunner Church was unwilling and unable to match the $350,000 that CBS provides, Angus released a statement that is sure to make the cover of Ass Kissers of America magazine. " I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference or disrespect and lack of appreciation blah, blah.." He did everything but offer to wash Mr. Lorre's car.
Apparently Mr. Jones isn't as dumb as his character. In spite of the toxic encouragement of the afore-mentioned Charlie Sheen, Angus must have understood that his chances of replicating the Two & 1/2 Men gig was about the same as Mr. Sheen's chances of kicking drugs and booze. (Seriously, when Charlie Sheen tells you to turn left, don't turn right. Exit the vehicle and run away.) Sheen is currently appearing in a Two & 1/2 Men ripoff called Anger Management. His audience approximates the attendance of Sunday services at the Forerunner Christian Church.
So far there has been no comment from CBS or Chuck Lorre Productions. Mr. Lorre also produces "Mike and Molly" and "The Big Bang Theory". At this point he needs Angus T. Jones like Mitt Romney needs an inauguration speech. Lorrie is famous (among those of us with too much time on our hands and a DVR) for publishing small-type screeds at the end of his shows. Whether his next effort will include anything about one-trick actors who forget how quickly Mel Gibson went from leading the Scots in rebellion to talking to a stuffed beaver, is any one's guess. If Angus Jones finds that he is no longer welcome on the set of Two & Half Men he can always find a place on the altar at the Forerunner Christian Church. The pastor can point to him as as example of "pride goeth before the fall".
or is revisionist history fun to write because all those pesky facts don't get in the way?
Detritus 11/30/12
There's an old joke about a salesman who trudged up four flights of stairs every week to reach the offices of his most obnoxious client. During one trip he was told that the client had died. Nevertheless he continued to march up those stairs every week. Finally the receptionist ask him why he kept coming back. "I told you, he's dead" "I know", said the salesman, "I just like hearing it".
That may explain the fascination that Democrats have with reading and listening to Republican writer and talkers as they attempt to explain away the pounding that Mitt Romney received on Nov 6, 2012. "Well yeah, but..." has been the most oft spoken intro since the Pirates beat the Yankees in 1960. (Just Google it.)
Example: "Well yeah, but the vote was really close." This lament is most often proffered by people who were so concerned about the Constitutional right to keep and bear arms, they missed the part about the electoral college. Popular votes don't mean squat. If they did, former President Gore would be presiding over the inauguration of his new library in Tennessee. Barack Obama won 332 electoral votes out of 538. That's not close. That's not even Secretariat/Belmont Stakes close (more Googling).
Well yeah, but Obama only won because he "gave stuff" to blacks and Latins and poor, lazy people. The take-away here is that apparently black and Latinos and poor, lazy people weren't too lazy to vote. Actually, what President Obama gave to minorities was R-E-S-P-E-C- T. Find out what it means to me. It's not about social programs it's about a social conscience. If we can afford to rebuild Iraq and build Afghanistan we can afford to provide food stamps and a little healthcare to our own people. If the helium-heads on Fox and Friends think that unemployed textile workers and laid-off carpenters are fat and happy on welfare, they should talk to one. Americans want jobs but they need help. If compassion is pandering than indifference to suffering must be tough love. Good luck selling that to anyone but the Koch Bros.
Well yeah but Obama sat on the Patraeus story and lied about the killings in Benghazi. Well, somebody smarter than me wrote that Benghazi is a tragedy looking for a scandal and Patraeus is a scandal looking for a tragedy. Seriously, No one but Fox and John McCain thinks that the administration should share every bit of intel as soon as they learn it. Ask yourself what Don Rumsfeld or Dick Cheney would have told you. "Either way I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to" God bless Col. Nathen Jessup. Benghazi was CIA start to finish and when things went south truth was probably the first casualty. Blaming Susan Rice for the early "explanation" as to what happened is like blaming the weatherman when it rains.
Petraeus is just a late night punchline. Nothing to see here.
So, my friends, as we revel in op-ed pieces like Stuart Stevens in today's Washington Post http://tinyurl.com/bqv7pxp or Dan Henninger in the Wall Street Journal http://tinyurl.com/bp8e67m let us stop and give thanks that the GOP has apparently learned exactly nothing from "Decision 2012". Like Karl Rove they are are still disputing the call in Ohio.
There's an old joke about a salesman who trudged up four flights of stairs every week to reach the offices of his most obnoxious client. During one trip he was told that the client had died. Nevertheless he continued to march up those stairs every week. Finally the receptionist ask him why he kept coming back. "I told you, he's dead" "I know", said the salesman, "I just like hearing it".
That may explain the fascination that Democrats have with reading and listening to Republican writer and talkers as they attempt to explain away the pounding that Mitt Romney received on Nov 6, 2012. "Well yeah, but..." has been the most oft spoken intro since the Pirates beat the Yankees in 1960. (Just Google it.)
Example: "Well yeah, but the vote was really close." This lament is most often proffered by people who were so concerned about the Constitutional right to keep and bear arms, they missed the part about the electoral college. Popular votes don't mean squat. If they did, former President Gore would be presiding over the inauguration of his new library in Tennessee. Barack Obama won 332 electoral votes out of 538. That's not close. That's not even Secretariat/Belmont Stakes close (more Googling).
Well yeah, but Obama only won because he "gave stuff" to blacks and Latins and poor, lazy people. The take-away here is that apparently black and Latinos and poor, lazy people weren't too lazy to vote. Actually, what President Obama gave to minorities was R-E-S-P-E-C- T. Find out what it means to me. It's not about social programs it's about a social conscience. If we can afford to rebuild Iraq and build Afghanistan we can afford to provide food stamps and a little healthcare to our own people. If the helium-heads on Fox and Friends think that unemployed textile workers and laid-off carpenters are fat and happy on welfare, they should talk to one. Americans want jobs but they need help. If compassion is pandering than indifference to suffering must be tough love. Good luck selling that to anyone but the Koch Bros.
Well yeah but Obama sat on the Patraeus story and lied about the killings in Benghazi. Well, somebody smarter than me wrote that Benghazi is a tragedy looking for a scandal and Patraeus is a scandal looking for a tragedy. Seriously, No one but Fox and John McCain thinks that the administration should share every bit of intel as soon as they learn it. Ask yourself what Don Rumsfeld or Dick Cheney would have told you. "Either way I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to" God bless Col. Nathen Jessup. Benghazi was CIA start to finish and when things went south truth was probably the first casualty. Blaming Susan Rice for the early "explanation" as to what happened is like blaming the weatherman when it rains.
Petraeus is just a late night punchline. Nothing to see here.
So, my friends, as we revel in op-ed pieces like Stuart Stevens in today's Washington Post http://tinyurl.com/bqv7pxp or Dan Henninger in the Wall Street Journal http://tinyurl.com/bp8e67m let us stop and give thanks that the GOP has apparently learned exactly nothing from "Decision 2012". Like Karl Rove they are are still disputing the call in Ohio.
...or is the need for exorcisms increasing with the expansion of Fox News?
OK, I always thought Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends was possessed. Really, only someone controlled by the devil (or maybe Roger Ailes) could sit there day after day with that pedophile smile and spew one blatantly untrue story after another. I mean there just isn't any other explanation, right?
The reason for addressing the subject of exorcism is a story out of the BBC that the archdiocese of Milan is seeing a marked increase in requests for the devil extermination service among its flock. Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, the chief exorcist for the diocese, says he is getting as many as four or five calls a day regarding possession. The Monsignor says that he knows of a priest who was seeing as many as 150 people a day. He must have a booth at the mall. The only places that there are that many possessions is at the talent call-up for American Idol and the US Congress. If you consider that there are about 5 million souls in the archdiocese of Milan and there are about 1.2 billion Catholics worldwide that's, well a lot of people sharing their bodies with the dark one. (No, not Dick Cheney. The other dark one.) Note: Whether Muslims, Hindus, Presbyterians, and Atheists suffer from possession is unknown in that the reporting structure among these groups is not as organized as the RCC. It is, however safe to assume that all Scientologists are possessed.
Anyway, the Monsignor has instituted a hotline that Catholics in Milan can call if and when they feel that old black magic has them in a spell or if their neighbor begins to exhibit odd signs like being able to show off their new haircut without turning their body. The Church in Rome has admitted to training many more priests in the exorcism ritual while continuing to assert that actual possessions are extremely rare. So if possession is rare why not train doctors and shrinks? I profess no specific knowledge in this area but if you think you're possessed and it's only gas, shouldn't the Church recommend Alka-Seltzer rather than a visit from Max VonSydow? There is no epidemic of possessions, just an increase in Catholics spending too much time watching Linda Blair levitate.
The hotline only operates from 2:30 PM to 5:00 PM on weekdays. So if the devil decides your body would be a lovely place to spend the weekend, you're out of luck 'til Monday aft. It was not made clear if possessions are most common on weekday afternoons or if that's just the best time to purge evil spirits. I would have thought first thing in the morning was best, while they're still groggy.
Whether or not possession is on the rise, I find it troubling that the Church isn't taking a more active role in extermination. After all, if they wait to be called all the sneaky devils will go undetected. Take for instance the evil spirit that inhabits Donald Trump's hair. That's just vile. Or the unclean spectre that has made a home in Herman Cain's head. (Hello! 999 -666?) It might not hurt to take a look at Nancy Pelosi and Dennis Kucinich either. And how about Ted Nugent? If he were to undergo an exorcism, all that would remain would be a massively overrated musician.
Sadly I was not able to discover the actual phone number for the hotline. I tried 1-800- POSSESSED, 1-800-LUCIFER and 1-866-HEADSPIN but nothing so far. It's possible that the Church knows that, with truly possessed people, the devil will know the number. Very crafty. Still wouldn't the unclean spirit try to prevent you from calling the holywater hotline? Well, whatever the reason for the increase in possessions we know that the RCC is on the job. Still, if you need them to come to your house make sure you don't live next to any long stairways.
The reason for addressing the subject of exorcism is a story out of the BBC that the archdiocese of Milan is seeing a marked increase in requests for the devil extermination service among its flock. Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, the chief exorcist for the diocese, says he is getting as many as four or five calls a day regarding possession. The Monsignor says that he knows of a priest who was seeing as many as 150 people a day. He must have a booth at the mall. The only places that there are that many possessions is at the talent call-up for American Idol and the US Congress. If you consider that there are about 5 million souls in the archdiocese of Milan and there are about 1.2 billion Catholics worldwide that's, well a lot of people sharing their bodies with the dark one. (No, not Dick Cheney. The other dark one.) Note: Whether Muslims, Hindus, Presbyterians, and Atheists suffer from possession is unknown in that the reporting structure among these groups is not as organized as the RCC. It is, however safe to assume that all Scientologists are possessed.
Anyway, the Monsignor has instituted a hotline that Catholics in Milan can call if and when they feel that old black magic has them in a spell or if their neighbor begins to exhibit odd signs like being able to show off their new haircut without turning their body. The Church in Rome has admitted to training many more priests in the exorcism ritual while continuing to assert that actual possessions are extremely rare. So if possession is rare why not train doctors and shrinks? I profess no specific knowledge in this area but if you think you're possessed and it's only gas, shouldn't the Church recommend Alka-Seltzer rather than a visit from Max VonSydow? There is no epidemic of possessions, just an increase in Catholics spending too much time watching Linda Blair levitate.
The hotline only operates from 2:30 PM to 5:00 PM on weekdays. So if the devil decides your body would be a lovely place to spend the weekend, you're out of luck 'til Monday aft. It was not made clear if possessions are most common on weekday afternoons or if that's just the best time to purge evil spirits. I would have thought first thing in the morning was best, while they're still groggy.
Whether or not possession is on the rise, I find it troubling that the Church isn't taking a more active role in extermination. After all, if they wait to be called all the sneaky devils will go undetected. Take for instance the evil spirit that inhabits Donald Trump's hair. That's just vile. Or the unclean spectre that has made a home in Herman Cain's head. (Hello! 999 -666?) It might not hurt to take a look at Nancy Pelosi and Dennis Kucinich either. And how about Ted Nugent? If he were to undergo an exorcism, all that would remain would be a massively overrated musician.
Sadly I was not able to discover the actual phone number for the hotline. I tried 1-800- POSSESSED, 1-800-LUCIFER and 1-866-HEADSPIN but nothing so far. It's possible that the Church knows that, with truly possessed people, the devil will know the number. Very crafty. Still wouldn't the unclean spirit try to prevent you from calling the holywater hotline? Well, whatever the reason for the increase in possessions we know that the RCC is on the job. Still, if you need them to come to your house make sure you don't live next to any long stairways.
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