AMERICA EXPORTS MISERY
Poverty, plague and pestilence weren't enough of a burden for the people of Haiti. We had to send them Palin. Sister Sarah flew to Port-au-Prince last week as the guest of a Christian charity (no doubt distributing crosses and bibles to people who then tried to eat them). This was more black people than Sarah had seen in person since she attended the Broadway premiere of Sister Act. The 1/2 term governor of Alaska marveled at a country whose climate encouraged its citizens to live out of doors in such numbers. "I don't know why the lame stream media is always carping about everyone being so fat. Whatever the Haitians are eating sure keeps 'em fit. I didn't see one fat person in the whole country." Sarah stopped to chat with a woman cooking meat in the street and complimented her on the city's ability to keep the rat population at bay.
This is Ms. Palin's first trip outside the US, not counting all those RV rides from Wacilla to Iowa. No journalists were allowed on the journey into Haiti. (Well, Fox News went but when was the last time someone called them journalists?) The intellectually incurious Sarah feels no need to see the capitals of Europe or converse with leaders from Asia, Latin America or Africa. And why should she? No good photo ops there and besides, how many of those people either buy crappy American books or vote in New Hampshire? Not many, I'm thinkin'.
...AND LIKE A GOOD HEMORRHOID, SOUTH CAROLINA IS THERE
Well, if you weren't in Charleston, SC on Monday night, you missed it. The Sons and Daughters of Confederate Veterans staged their Secession Ball. Men in old-fashioned formal dress and women in flowing gowns flounced around in the kind of arrogant ignorance that only the South can celebrate. Sadly, some of the authenticity was missing in that none of the spoil-sport black protesters outside were willing to dress up in livery and serve the guests. Honestly, some people have no sense of history.
But if your invite to Charleston was lost in the mail, fear not. September 1, 2011 will mark the seventy-second anniversary of the German invasion of Poland and the Germans are planning a party to end all parties. The Third Reich Regalia will begin at dawn on September first and those goose-stepping fools won't stop rocking 'til October 6th... when Poland was crushed. Even the Russians are invited.
The German organizers have assured other EU members that they are not celebrating world domination. "We wish only to commemorate the brave soldiers who gave their lives to advance a wholly German point of view. It's just history."
None of this is lost on the Japanese who are in the early planning stages of a
December 7th, 1941 Luau. Plans include a dinner of Miso soup plus a special fly-over. Banzai!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
...or should Fox News be blocked for young, impressionable viewers?
If one worthless man is a disgrace, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress; how many worthless people make a network?
Anyone with an IQ in double digits knows that Fox News has been agenda driven since the network sprang fully formed from the collective minds of Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes in 1996. (In medicine we call this a slow-growth cancer.) Many Americans welcome news that tilts to the right because they have been told that it counterbalances the "main stream/left wing" media, i.e. NBC, CBS, ABC and all major metro newspapers. The way that works is: if you can't impeach the facts, impeach the source. The truth of a story is irrelevant. If it appeared in the New York Times, it's liberally biased. ( Presumably this includes baseball scores and movie listings.)
The godfather of this approach to news is, of course, Rush Limbaugh. Rush has been preaching to his audience of traveling salesmen and retired Korean War vets for years that all news is biased against conservatives because all newspeople are liberals. Say that often enough and the sheep begin to believe. While this approach has never been exactly subtle (conservatives don't do subtle) it has, at least been brushed with a veneer of fairness. Lately however we have gotten a look behind the curtain.
We have learned this week that the Fox News folks have been busy cooking the books on the subject of climate change. Bill Sammon, Washington managing editor for Fox, has ordered his on- air reporters to include a disclaimer with any news item that asserts that the earth is heating up. Fox "journalists" are to IMMEDIATELY advise viewers that some experts disagree with the most recent scientific findings, whatever those findings might be. These instructions weren't sent to Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity who need no instructions on how to shade the truth. This e-mail was sent to the news anchors and their writers. Mr. Sammon wants to make sure that the position of Fox News is abundantly clear. We don't believe the evidence that the climate is being affected by man and we don't want you to believe it either. Had Fox News been around in the seventeenth century, the story would sound like this: "Findings were released today by one Isaac Newton to the effect that objects in a vacuum fall to earth at a uniform rate. There are, however, several scientists who dispute this speculative and unproved theory."
It appears unlikely that this is Mr. Sammon first foray into massaging the news. The fact that he was outed on the issue of climate change merely proves what the rest of the non-Fox regulars already believe: namely, that you can't trust a damn thing these people tell you. Shocking!
Recently, during Fox's never-ending attempt to sell the "war on Christmas" (Please, America, look around! Does it appear as if Christmas is suffering?) Fox and Friends hostess Gretchen Carlson railed about a school in Florida that won't permit decorations in red and green during the Christmas season. Ms. Carlson was naturally appalled at this disgraceful attack on Kris Kringle or Jesus Christ or whomever. The source for this "news item" was some anonymous woman in a video clip. No one at Fox bothered to check with the school (who of course, published no such rule) or even tried to find out the identity of the source. Fox can do this with impunity. Their audience is already preconditioned to believe this nonsense. If anyone checks the story later on CNN, who cares? CNN is biased, Fox has moved on and besides, the story may have been crap but Foxies know the underlying truth about the war on Christmas.
For years Fox has hidden behind the distinction between news and opinion. Chris Wallace...news. Bill O'Reilly...opinion. Glenn Beck...fantasy. It is absurd on its face to think that Fox watchers are drawing subtle distinctions between editorials and news. When three or four people sit on a set and banter about the events of the day, you might question their opinion but you don't question the underlying facts. Start with a "story" that the LAPD purchased millions of dollars worth of jet packs for their first responders. Debate rages about the waste of money in tough economic times and the stupid idea of cops jetting to crime scenes. Another dumb, clueless Democratic administration. Except that the entire story is rubbish. There are no jet packs; there was no purchase. These people might as well debate whether Superman could defeat Jesus in a thumb wrestle.
Was it a surprise to anyone this week when the University of Maryland published a study that Fox News watchers were "significantly more likely to be misinformed"? According to the study, Fox watchers were more likely to believe that: Barack Obama is not a native-born American; most Republicans opposed TARP; stimulus legislation included no tax cuts. True to the code, Fox executives did what they always do...attack the source. Fox responded to the study by asserting that the University of Maryland was a party school where no one studies. Naturally no source was given for these slanders. Hell, the study could have been done by Nickelodeon and it would still be true.
And so, we are governed by a Congress elected by people who believe anything Fox tells them. "Climate change is a liberal conspiracy. Christians are being denied their right to worship. Muslims are substituting Sharia law for the Constitution. Obama is a socialist." People, this is America. You are not a victim because Glenn Beck tells you you are. Our economic hard times are not the result of "the other guys". We are responsible for our own actions and their consequences. The sooner we stop letting Fox News tell us how wounded we are the faster we will heal.
Anyone with an IQ in double digits knows that Fox News has been agenda driven since the network sprang fully formed from the collective minds of Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes in 1996. (In medicine we call this a slow-growth cancer.) Many Americans welcome news that tilts to the right because they have been told that it counterbalances the "main stream/left wing" media, i.e. NBC, CBS, ABC and all major metro newspapers. The way that works is: if you can't impeach the facts, impeach the source. The truth of a story is irrelevant. If it appeared in the New York Times, it's liberally biased. ( Presumably this includes baseball scores and movie listings.)
The godfather of this approach to news is, of course, Rush Limbaugh. Rush has been preaching to his audience of traveling salesmen and retired Korean War vets for years that all news is biased against conservatives because all newspeople are liberals. Say that often enough and the sheep begin to believe. While this approach has never been exactly subtle (conservatives don't do subtle) it has, at least been brushed with a veneer of fairness. Lately however we have gotten a look behind the curtain.
We have learned this week that the Fox News folks have been busy cooking the books on the subject of climate change. Bill Sammon, Washington managing editor for Fox, has ordered his on- air reporters to include a disclaimer with any news item that asserts that the earth is heating up. Fox "journalists" are to IMMEDIATELY advise viewers that some experts disagree with the most recent scientific findings, whatever those findings might be. These instructions weren't sent to Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity who need no instructions on how to shade the truth. This e-mail was sent to the news anchors and their writers. Mr. Sammon wants to make sure that the position of Fox News is abundantly clear. We don't believe the evidence that the climate is being affected by man and we don't want you to believe it either. Had Fox News been around in the seventeenth century, the story would sound like this: "Findings were released today by one Isaac Newton to the effect that objects in a vacuum fall to earth at a uniform rate. There are, however, several scientists who dispute this speculative and unproved theory."
It appears unlikely that this is Mr. Sammon first foray into massaging the news. The fact that he was outed on the issue of climate change merely proves what the rest of the non-Fox regulars already believe: namely, that you can't trust a damn thing these people tell you. Shocking!
Recently, during Fox's never-ending attempt to sell the "war on Christmas" (Please, America, look around! Does it appear as if Christmas is suffering?) Fox and Friends hostess Gretchen Carlson railed about a school in Florida that won't permit decorations in red and green during the Christmas season. Ms. Carlson was naturally appalled at this disgraceful attack on Kris Kringle or Jesus Christ or whomever. The source for this "news item" was some anonymous woman in a video clip. No one at Fox bothered to check with the school (who of course, published no such rule) or even tried to find out the identity of the source. Fox can do this with impunity. Their audience is already preconditioned to believe this nonsense. If anyone checks the story later on CNN, who cares? CNN is biased, Fox has moved on and besides, the story may have been crap but Foxies know the underlying truth about the war on Christmas.
For years Fox has hidden behind the distinction between news and opinion. Chris Wallace...news. Bill O'Reilly...opinion. Glenn Beck...fantasy. It is absurd on its face to think that Fox watchers are drawing subtle distinctions between editorials and news. When three or four people sit on a set and banter about the events of the day, you might question their opinion but you don't question the underlying facts. Start with a "story" that the LAPD purchased millions of dollars worth of jet packs for their first responders. Debate rages about the waste of money in tough economic times and the stupid idea of cops jetting to crime scenes. Another dumb, clueless Democratic administration. Except that the entire story is rubbish. There are no jet packs; there was no purchase. These people might as well debate whether Superman could defeat Jesus in a thumb wrestle.
Was it a surprise to anyone this week when the University of Maryland published a study that Fox News watchers were "significantly more likely to be misinformed"? According to the study, Fox watchers were more likely to believe that: Barack Obama is not a native-born American; most Republicans opposed TARP; stimulus legislation included no tax cuts. True to the code, Fox executives did what they always do...attack the source. Fox responded to the study by asserting that the University of Maryland was a party school where no one studies. Naturally no source was given for these slanders. Hell, the study could have been done by Nickelodeon and it would still be true.
And so, we are governed by a Congress elected by people who believe anything Fox tells them. "Climate change is a liberal conspiracy. Christians are being denied their right to worship. Muslims are substituting Sharia law for the Constitution. Obama is a socialist." People, this is America. You are not a victim because Glenn Beck tells you you are. Our economic hard times are not the result of "the other guys". We are responsible for our own actions and their consequences. The sooner we stop letting Fox News tell us how wounded we are the faster we will heal.
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
...or is the Obama presidency shovel ready?
Probably not. As they say down at the pool hall, there's a lot of green between here and there. The election of 2012 is miles away and much can happen. Barack Obama looks beleaguered today but it's still early. New issues will take center stage and the President will have plenty of opportunities to recover. His biggest problem going forward however isn't START or DADT or Guantanamo or even jobs. His biggest problem is his own personality.
Barack Obama is too damn rational for his own good. When confronted with a problem, say like Julian Assange and Wikileaks, 1) he gets opinions, 2) listens to aides, 3) forms an rational course of action and 4) chooses to act based on the best opinions available. This may be a wonderful way to run the Philosophy Dept at Princeton or the Fairfax County Library but it's a terrible way to run America. We just had the crap scared out of us in 2008 facing a depression. Unemployment is stalled at 9.5%. North Korea is angling for the Hemorrhoid of the Year award. Afghanistan is a quagmire. We don't want rational. We want a President who looks and sounds as pissed-off and frustrated as America feels.
I can give Barack Obama an instant 10 point boast in the polls. At today's photo op wherever it is, he needs to lean over to someone and in his best Joe Biden whisper, allow "if I could I'd grab Julian Assange around his scrawny Australian neck and shove a Louisville Slugger up his ass...without a condom."
What would you give to see Barack Obama stride to the podium and exclaim "Who the hell does John McCain think he is to deny the right of gay Americans to serve openly in the military? He is an out-of-touch relic who hasn't worn a uniform since soldiers wore spats. Getting captured and imprisoned gives McCain as much credibility to pontificate on gay rights as Jessica Lynch. As of today Don't Ask Don't tell is finished, over. Thank You".
Back in the 80's Ronald Reagan made a ill-advised joke about bombing Russia. Dumb as that was diplomatically at least it gave the country a window into the soul of it's leader. We saw a President who fantasizes about wiping out our biggest enemy. We were pretty sure he wouldn't do it (with Reagan, pretty sure was all you got) but he thought about it. He was human. When Libyans were suspected of dynamiting an off-duty nightclub in Germany killing several GI's, Reagan sent a sortie of fighter bombers to Libya with a payload sufficient to get the attention of Muammar al-Gaddafi. One suspects Reagan didn't ask for advice. He banged the desk and screamed "I want that camel-fucker dead by tonight". I'm guessing no one argued.
Richard Nixon, frustrated with the lack of progress in Vietnam, started throwing bombs all over Southeast Asia. The idea was to convince the North Vietnamese that he was erratic enough to do almost anything to beat them into submission. Had America not been so thoroughly sick of the war in Vietnam by that time, Nixon might have been more successful.
This is what America wants. We elected a smart guy but not R2D2. Hell, he took fifteen stitches in a pick-up basketball game and came up smiling not swinging. So far the closest thing we have seen to passion is a speech on Monday where the venom was leveled at his own party. Hello, Barack, the Dems are not the enemy; mostly. The problem isn't that our President is deliberate. The problem is that our enemies and most of Congress can count on his lack of temper. We fear Kim Jong Il because he's unpredictable. OK, no one wants that level of crazy but Churchill, de Gaulle andAtilla the Hun were all a bit tough to anticipate.
Barack Obama needs to be a little more cranky.
Barack Obama is too damn rational for his own good. When confronted with a problem, say like Julian Assange and Wikileaks, 1) he gets opinions, 2) listens to aides, 3) forms an rational course of action and 4) chooses to act based on the best opinions available. This may be a wonderful way to run the Philosophy Dept at Princeton or the Fairfax County Library but it's a terrible way to run America. We just had the crap scared out of us in 2008 facing a depression. Unemployment is stalled at 9.5%. North Korea is angling for the Hemorrhoid of the Year award. Afghanistan is a quagmire. We don't want rational. We want a President who looks and sounds as pissed-off and frustrated as America feels.
I can give Barack Obama an instant 10 point boast in the polls. At today's photo op wherever it is, he needs to lean over to someone and in his best Joe Biden whisper, allow "if I could I'd grab Julian Assange around his scrawny Australian neck and shove a Louisville Slugger up his ass...without a condom."
What would you give to see Barack Obama stride to the podium and exclaim "Who the hell does John McCain think he is to deny the right of gay Americans to serve openly in the military? He is an out-of-touch relic who hasn't worn a uniform since soldiers wore spats. Getting captured and imprisoned gives McCain as much credibility to pontificate on gay rights as Jessica Lynch. As of today Don't Ask Don't tell is finished, over. Thank You".
Back in the 80's Ronald Reagan made a ill-advised joke about bombing Russia. Dumb as that was diplomatically at least it gave the country a window into the soul of it's leader. We saw a President who fantasizes about wiping out our biggest enemy. We were pretty sure he wouldn't do it (with Reagan, pretty sure was all you got) but he thought about it. He was human. When Libyans were suspected of dynamiting an off-duty nightclub in Germany killing several GI's, Reagan sent a sortie of fighter bombers to Libya with a payload sufficient to get the attention of Muammar al-Gaddafi. One suspects Reagan didn't ask for advice. He banged the desk and screamed "I want that camel-fucker dead by tonight". I'm guessing no one argued.
Richard Nixon, frustrated with the lack of progress in Vietnam, started throwing bombs all over Southeast Asia. The idea was to convince the North Vietnamese that he was erratic enough to do almost anything to beat them into submission. Had America not been so thoroughly sick of the war in Vietnam by that time, Nixon might have been more successful.
This is what America wants. We elected a smart guy but not R2D2. Hell, he took fifteen stitches in a pick-up basketball game and came up smiling not swinging. So far the closest thing we have seen to passion is a speech on Monday where the venom was leveled at his own party. Hello, Barack, the Dems are not the enemy; mostly. The problem isn't that our President is deliberate. The problem is that our enemies and most of Congress can count on his lack of temper. We fear Kim Jong Il because he's unpredictable. OK, no one wants that level of crazy but Churchill, de Gaulle andAtilla the Hun were all a bit tough to anticipate.
Barack Obama needs to be a little more cranky.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
...or should someone have dumped a big bucket of Gatorade on John Boehner after the midterms?
Some things are funny once. Some actions grow from a one-time thing into a tradition. (Example: Throwing the opposing team's home run balls back onto the field at Wrigley.) However, the Gatorade shower inflicted on coaches after big victories is an idea further past its prime than John McCain. Wiki is vague on who started this tradition but it's been going on for 25 years. Once upon a time swimming teams used to throw their winning coaches in the pool. That may be why credit cards and drivers licenses are plastic. Whatever spontaneous giggles are derived from dumping sticky goo on your coach have been replaced by cringes. Most big games are won in winter. It's cold. Many coaches are old. It would be a tragedy to see Joe Paterno's career ended by pneumonia due to a lemonade bath in January. I'm sure coaches hate it. Besides, can you imagine anyone dumping a bucket of anything on George Halas or Vince Lombardi? You'd be packing your bags before the ice melted on the AstroTurf.
And on the subject of old, outmoded artifacts that should have been retired years ago, who thought it would be a good idea to put Cher in a new movie? Mrs. Bono is appearing with Christine Aguilera in a "small town girl learns the ropes from old doll" picture called Burlesque. (I tell ya this chestnut is so old, Sony Pictures had to pay royalties to a French cave-wall painter! rim shot!) We don't wish to go all Perez Hilton but the only thing stretched farther than Cher's face is her modest talent. She has had every plastic surgeon in Hollywood learning the words to "If I Could Turn Back Time". Having big pipes is not the same as being able to sing...just like a penchant for public nudity isn't the same as acting. Anyway, maybe the casting isn't all that bad. After all, didn't Cher once date Flo Ziegfeld?
And then there's John McCain, hard at work lying, obfuscating and pursuing his disgraceful retreat from his previous position on Don't Ask Don't Tell. What will you bet that one of the Wikileaks documents outs McCain as a dress-wearing, self-hating drag queen?
And then there's the NRA, suing Texas (Texas, for Christ's sake) over the right of 18 year olds to carry concealed weapons. Currently in Texas you must be 21. I suppose there is some logic here. At least teenaged Texans will have three years to get used to carrying guns before they're old enough to carry one into a bar. Honestly, the level of irresponsibly fostered by organizations with more money than brains is disheartening.
And then there's the newest low in reality television..."Brideplasty". Yes folks; just when you thought women couldn't debase themselves any further we have a competition among engaged women to win liposuction, breast augmentations and eye tucks. Aside: Why has the Italian Anti-defamation League yelled themselves hoarse about The Godfather and remained silent about Jersey Shore? Talk about defamation! It's like an Italian minstrel show. Back to reality.
So what's next, "Cramp Champ"? A competition to see who has the worst periods? How about "The Big O"? or "Who Wants to Give A Hummer?"(Hint..no automobiles are involved.)
And on the subject of old, outmoded artifacts that should have been retired years ago, who thought it would be a good idea to put Cher in a new movie? Mrs. Bono is appearing with Christine Aguilera in a "small town girl learns the ropes from old doll" picture called Burlesque. (I tell ya this chestnut is so old, Sony Pictures had to pay royalties to a French cave-wall painter! rim shot!) We don't wish to go all Perez Hilton but the only thing stretched farther than Cher's face is her modest talent. She has had every plastic surgeon in Hollywood learning the words to "If I Could Turn Back Time". Having big pipes is not the same as being able to sing...just like a penchant for public nudity isn't the same as acting. Anyway, maybe the casting isn't all that bad. After all, didn't Cher once date Flo Ziegfeld?
And then there's John McCain, hard at work lying, obfuscating and pursuing his disgraceful retreat from his previous position on Don't Ask Don't Tell. What will you bet that one of the Wikileaks documents outs McCain as a dress-wearing, self-hating drag queen?
And then there's the NRA, suing Texas (Texas, for Christ's sake) over the right of 18 year olds to carry concealed weapons. Currently in Texas you must be 21. I suppose there is some logic here. At least teenaged Texans will have three years to get used to carrying guns before they're old enough to carry one into a bar. Honestly, the level of irresponsibly fostered by organizations with more money than brains is disheartening.
And then there's the newest low in reality television..."Brideplasty". Yes folks; just when you thought women couldn't debase themselves any further we have a competition among engaged women to win liposuction, breast augmentations and eye tucks. Aside: Why has the Italian Anti-defamation League yelled themselves hoarse about The Godfather and remained silent about Jersey Shore? Talk about defamation! It's like an Italian minstrel show. Back to reality.
So what's next, "Cramp Champ"? A competition to see who has the worst periods? How about "The Big O"? or "Who Wants to Give A Hummer?"(Hint..no automobiles are involved.)
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