...or do we really need to see more of Christine O'Donnell?

OK, where was I... Item The producers of ABC's Dancing with the Stars have apparently run out of "about-to-be-jailed politicians (Tom DeLay) and celeb wanna be's (Bristol Palin). They have now moved to clownish office-seekers. Christine O'Donnell, the Witchy Woman of Delaware, has been invited to trip the light fantastic on network TV for the amusement of the masses for whom reruns of Baywatch requires too much concentration. In case your gag reflex prevents you from reflecting on the election of 2010, Ms. O'Donnell was the Senate candidate from Delaware who lived on her campaign contributions and ran her election effort out of the back door of her condo. (Memo to Christine; "No grass...no grass roots.") Considering the stumbling, fumbling campaign effort mounted by Ms. O'Donnell, it's a bit of a shock to think she can cut a rug. (Calling Donald Trump). Assuming DWTS survives another season or two, we can, no doubt, expect a visit from: O.J. Simpson (who once danced his way out of two murder convictions), Ollie North (whose jitterbug in front of a Congressional committee is the stuff of legends) and perhaps even Karl Rove. Who wouldn't pay to watch twinkle-toes Karl trip his opponents and put liniment in their tights? Anyway, Dancing With the Stars, popular as it is, will be merely the teaser for the reality show that everyone is waiting for: Survivor, Iowa. ___________________________________________________________________ And speaking of Iowa, who thought it would be a good idea to have the Presidential election process begin in the middle of a corn field? I've heard of opening a show on the road but this is like touring Hair in Saudi Arabia. Face it: the cultural and political interests of Davenport and Ames are as close to the population at large as corn is to a corndog. If Iowa coughs up a hairball like Michelle Bachmann or, God forbid, Donald Trump, the electorate will be forced to accept the legitimacy of a candidate whose only attribute is interesting hair. Think about it: currently about 13% of the American population is African-American and another 4.5% is Asian. In Iowa the percentage of black people is significantly affected by the success of basketball and football recruiting at the University of Iowa and Iowa State. Aside from the engineering deptartments at Iowa's major universities, Asians would be tougher to find than Jews. The Iowa process for candidate selection isn't even an actual primary election; it's a caucus. For those of you unfamiliar with this process, a caucus is a meeting of all the Republicans (or Democrats) from a precinct. The winner is determined by whoever shouts the loudest. Now that our candidate has has conquered the overalls contingent in Bettendorf, it's on to another state that always reflects the mood of the population at large...New Hampshire. Some have speculated that the first actual primary of the season is held in New Hampshire as a test for potential candidates. If you can brave the snow and cold of New England in February, you're the man/woman for us. From there it's a quick ride down the coast to the single most batshit state in the Union...South Carolina. Honestly, is it any wonder that this bollixed-up process produced candidates like Tom Harkin and Dick Gephardt for the Dems and Pat Buchanan and George W. Bush for the GOP? (I told you it was screwed up!) Considering America's penchant for reality television, why not take a page out of the American Idol playbook: Assemble a few B-list celebrities, encourage them to berate and otherwise verbally abuse the potential candidates then, have Republicans from all over America call in and vote for their favorite. It couldn't be any worse than the current process and at least you could watch someone like Steven Tyler criticize Donald Trump for having hair stupider than his.

...or can we declare State Rep. Carl Wimmer of Utah the official state moron?

More reasons to move to Europe...



Apparently firearms aren't prevalent enough in America. The State of Utah is about to christen the Browning .45-caliber automatic pistol as the official state handgun. Perfect! Henceforth the victims of senseless school shootings or drug-fueled robberies will have the privilege of knowing that they have been ventilated by the official state gun of Utah.

Rep. Wimmer has glorified the Browning as "having defended liberty and freedom around the Country and around the world". Curiously, no mention was made of the thousands of innocent victims of accidental shootings. Scant attention was paid to the endless string of suicides whose success was assured by the high velocity, high powered .45. The rush to glorify the ownership and public display of guns in mostly red, western states is disgusting and shameful. Consider the brainstorm of failed quarterback Congressman Heath Shuler of North Carolina who, in response to the shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, has decided to "carry a gun more often" and encouraged his staff to apply for "carry" permits. One can only imagine the loss of life in Tuscon had the staff of Congresswoman Giffords returned fire on Jan. 8th.

The Supremes said you can own a gun. They also said that hand gun laws are unconstitutional. That doesn't mean that we should canonize John Moses Browning. What's next? the Winchester Highway in Connecticut or the Colt International Airport? Let's be proud about something else.




And speaking of the Supremes, Justice Clarence Thomas, old Mr. "I got my handouts so screw you" has been allowed to "amend" his federal income tax returns from 2003 to 2007. It seems that Judge Thomas neglected to include $680,000 in payments to his wife by the Heritage Foundation. In my country we have a name for people who under-report their income...defendant. Seriously, how is this not a felony? Should any one of you "forget" to include so much as a savings bank dividend, the folks at the IRS can descend upon you with the full might of the tax code. So how is it that Judge "don't pick on me I had a rough childhood" Thomas is allowed a do-over? Eat your heart out Al Capone!



And just when you thought it was safe to return to Barnes and Noble (where copies of S. Palin books are used to support shelves for real books) a new weasel is heard from. Donald "Mr. Sunny" Rumsfeld has authored a new tome which, according to reviewers, can be summed up in two words..."Weren't me".


Rumsfeld blames everybody but the manager of the Pentagon Starbucks for the botched war effort in Iraq from 2003 to his ignominious departure in 2007. Absent are the mea culpas for America's being totally unprepared to occupy Iraq, the insufficient troop strength for the occupation, or the institutional abuses at Abu Ghraib. To hear Don tell it, he was barely involved with the war at all. Colin Powell was wrong, Condoleezza Rice was wrong, all the generals were wrong, John McCain was wrong and President Bush was right but his advice was wrong. This from the man who gave us the quote "I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think and well, I assume that's what I said." Now who could argue with that?


Anyway, the book, entitled "Known and Unknown" extends Rumsfeld excuses and buck-passing across 800 pages. Hell, there isn't even an apology for all those senselessly killed trees.


BTW on the subject of strange, interesting, bizarre quotes; attend the tale of recently elected chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus. Chairman Priebus, while speaking to a media conference, disclaimed three times "Obama should be executed". Context indicates that he was talking about Osama bin Laden but hey, what do I know?