...or is secession an idea worth revisiting?

Well here we are at the 150th anniversary of all that fun stuff that happened in 1861: the secession of the Southern States, the inauguration of Abraham Lincoln and the aggressive attitude of the citizens of Charleston, SC at the idea of having a Union fort in their harbor. Wow! If you thought politics was polarized and partisan this year, clearly you haven't been paying attention to Ken Burns. Note of irony: if the morons in the GOP who want to eliminate funding for Public Broadcasting had their way 20 or so years ago, classic programs like The Civil War might never have been made. Northern America would have continued to believe that the Southern cause was peopled by just a bunch of shit-kicking, slave owning dummies. Perish the thought! Such, my children is the role of television in education.

Still, the anniversary of the Civil War gives us the opportunity to ponder the mistakes of the past, to re-evaluate the decisions that shaped America after the needless deaths of 620,000 citizens. What could we as a Country have done differently? Is it too late to undo the unfortunate choices made when the U.S. was beginning to heal? As you can see, I have given this matter serious thought. Naturally, there are some easy answers to the questions. For example, no state in the South should ever be permitted to own a hockey team. Also, Northern States should not be required to pay for Southern border security. It can hardly be the responsibility of Ohio to pay for the security of Texas. It's bad enough we gave citizenship to Jerry Jones.

However, first on my list of things we can repair is continuing to tolerate South Carolina in our Union. Face it, they're a pain. Don't take my word for it. Look at the history:

In 1856 Congressman Preston Brooks walked into the Senate and beat Senator Charles Sumner with a metal-tipped cane. South Carolina was the first state out of the Union in 1860. They didn't even wait for Mr. Lincoln to be sworn. They fired the first shots of the war in April 1861 although shortly thereafter their planters high-tailed it inland to protect their black "assets".

They weren't back in the Union five minutes before they started complaining about black equality. They were the last state to ratify the Fourteenth Amendment, guaranteeing equality to African Americans. It took until 2000 for the government of S. Carolina to remove the Confederate flag from the top of the state house. South Carolina was the last state to declare Martin Luther King Day a legal holiday for state workers. (Prior to 2000, employees had an option to take MLK Day or one of three "Confederate" Holidays.)

Currently South Carolina has given us:

Joe "you lie" Wilson. At least Preston Brooks had the courage to be identified. Wilson (R, 2nd District) shouted at President Obama from the relative anonymity of the House chamber. There is actually a reason we think Southerners are stupid. Wilson was spotted by the ten thousand cameras in the room and forced to apologize.

We also have Jim DeMint, junior Senator and senior asshat. DeMint treats ignorance as though it were a virtue. He opposes homosexuality and gay marriage because (are you ready) of the additional health care cost arising from AIDS related illness. He thinks it would be just fine if the US government defaulted on its financial obligations. (Economists are being overly dramatic in predicting catastrophe.) Naturally he thinks climate change is a liberal myth and he is leading the charge to allow Americans to continue to use old-fashioned incandescent light bulbs. (Actually I'm with him here. Those new bulbs suck.)

So, what do you say we float the idea of South Carolina leaving the Union for a second and, hopefully final, time? They can take everything they brought in...which was nothing. We will keep the border open for now and, they can visit the rest of us whenever they like. Just don't stay too long. We don't much like immigrants. If they like, they can use the Confederate Stars and Bars. God knows, we don't need it. If they want to shrink government, they can shrink theirs. Lower taxes, no taxes, whatever. Interested in reintroducing slavery? Well, 30% of the state is Black so, good luck with that.

I firmly believe that South Carolina would be happier as a separate country. They don't seem to like the rest of us anyway. Oh, by the way, we will insist they keep Steve Spurrier. After what we went through to get rid of him, it's the least they can do.