...or might George Washington's family have objected to his monument as too phallic?

The city of Washington, famed the world over for its ability to turn a square into a parallelepiped still manages to get one thing right...all the time: the architecture. Washington is beautiful. Designer Pierre L'Enfant along with Thomas Jefferson and Washington himself laid out a grand plan which has only become more elegant and regal with time. From the Capitol building at the east end of the National Mall to the new United States Institute of Peace; building, height, architecture and suitability have always trumped fashion and whim. (It can't be an accident that the Institute of Peace is as far from the Congress as it's possible to get.) Every new monument and memorial is chosen with great care and deliberation. The city honors very few politicians or statesmen. Of the 44 Presidents thus far elected, only a handful have monuments in D.C. (Some like Woodrow Wilson have a bridge but it wasn't built for him. Reagan has an airport and a building. I have no idea why.) There is, only now, a monument planned for John Adams. Apparently a best-selling book and an HBO special can work wonders.

As you might expect, each attempt to memorialize a famous person or event carries its own challenges. The Vietnam Memorial, near the Lincoln Memorial, was highly controversial. Currently considered one of the most evocative structures in the entire Capital, Vietnam was roundly condemned when first proposed. Reagan's Secretary of State James Watt refused to issue the building permit. The newest major memorial, dedicated to America's casualties of World War II was lambasted in the Philadelphia Inquirer as "a design favored by Hitler and Mussolini". Everybody's a critic. Thankfully, because decisions are not made lightly or quickly, the National Capital Planning Commission gets it right almost all the time.

Monuments and statues are not erected in every available square inch of open space. The ridiculous, out-sized adoration of Ronald W. Reagan notwithstanding, time is allowed to pass before the Capital builders and planners reach for their pencils and trowels. (Geez, Reagan wasn't even dead in 1998 when Clinton authorized the airport name change.) This brings us to the planning for the Dwight D. Eisenhower Memorial. Congress approved the formation of a committee to design a suitable tribute and decide where to put it. That happened in 1999. (I told you this stuff takes time.) The committee set to work and immediately got into trouble. (Well, almost immediately.) They chose a site in 2005 and hired Frank Gehry in 2009 to design the monument. If you have been to Chicago (Millennium Park), Bilbao, Spain (Guggenheim Museum) or Los Angeles (The Walt Disney Concert Hall) you have seen Gehry's incredible work. OK so maybe it looks like he gets a deal on curved aluminum sheeting but so what.

Anyway Gehry designs the monument. Planned for a four acre site south of the Mall on Maryland and Independence near the Air and Space Museum, the memorial was to feature a series of large columns and framed steel tapestries detailing Ike's many accomplishments. The focus is Eisenhower's boyhood home in Kansas. There will also be a statue of a farm boy sitting on a plank. The design was unanimously approved by the Eisenhower Memorial Commission and the Architects of the Capital. Then the plans were presented to the Eisenhower family. The response was predictable

Decedents, like the Eisenhowers, see their ancestor as this Homeric figure mounted on a white charger vanquishing the enemy. They care nothing for aesthetics or, God forbid, art. No doubt the Eisenhower offspring envisioned their grandfather as crushing the Nazis and Japanese with one hand while signing the National Highway Act with the other. Where was the statue of Ike with his five stars? Where was the 34th President negotiating the truce in Korea? Where was the President who used the National Guard to desegregate Alabama schools? They wanted Abe Lincoln and they got Opie..

There is a reason that family members aren't involved in the design of monuments...they are a monumental pain in the ass. Anyone who watched the survivors of 9-11 preen and insinuate themselves throughout every phase of the memorial planning knows why blood and art don't mix. (Seriously, I know this is N.Y. heresy but on what planet should surviving spouses and siblings pass judgement on public architecture?) What we need from the relatives is to show up at the ribbon-cutting, say something profound and go home.

David Eisenhower, who actually was on the Commission for a time, quit when his vision wasn't being realized. Susan Eisenhower has been blogging non-stop regarding her objections. Naturally, it's bad form to attack a world famous designer like Gehry on artistic grounds so she has instead criticized such things as the cost of building materials and specific references in the text to Hitler, Mao and Stalin. Mr. Gehry, who needs this like he needs a second Medal of Freedom, was sanguine and, in fact, made a few changes. This has mollified the heirs a bit however they are still unhappy with the overall plan. At this rate the memorial will be completed just in time for the D-Day Centennial in 2044. City architects are being patient but they appear close to suggesting a replacement tribute to Warren Harding. He may have been a crook but at least most of his relatives are dead.

...or has the Vatican Council given way to the Vatican Counsel?

The headline should be "Catholic Bishops Discover the American Legal System". It's true. After two decades of acting as if the courts were some leper colony to be avoided at all costs, America's Catholic bishops have suddenly come to the realization that the Church can actually appear in front of a judge as something other than defendants. Having spent untold millions on legal fees and out of court settlements (money donated by good Catholics) the Church has decided that it can risk a few more pieces of silver to sue the Dept. of Health and Human Services. Specifically, the suit was filed by, among others, the University of Notre Dame, Catholic University and the Archdiocese of New York. (The fact that Cardinal Timothy Dolan is running for Pope played no part in this decision.)

The Church's position is that the HHS mandate that Catholic hospitals and schools provide employees with birth control and morning-after anti-pregnancy meds is somehow a violation of its right to practice its religion. In today's Washington Post, Cardinal Wuerl of Washington D.C. suggests that every church, school and hospital is an outward expression of faith and therefore equal in law. Were these institutions free-to-all, that argument might carry some weight. The fact that they are engaged in commerce clouds that picture. Nevertheless, this is America and the law allows for the fair hearing of grievances in front of a judge. Personally, I hope the RCC falls on its ass but what I think is of no consequence. (However it might be nice if the 95% of Catholics practicing birth control stopped acting soooo offended by the HHS and stood in opposition to bishops who have never missed a meal to feed a child.)

Of larger consequence is the galactic hypocrisy of a Church that, having avoided courts, lawyers and well, justice since its dirty little pedophiles started making news, is now marching into court with no hint of shame. Timothy Dolan couldn't find a courtroom with a map and a GPS device when the time came to prosecute priests for sex crimes with children. The bishops of Rome scurried like roaches when the lights of scandal came on. To this day in spite of tens of thousands of cases of child abuse not one priest has been marched into a precinct by a monsignor or bishop. The current case being tried in Philadelphia is a monument to church obfuscation and misdirection. Monsignor William Lynn, on trial for child endangerment after leaving known pedophiles in parish positions, has blamed everyone, including a dead cardinal, for the Church's neglect. Lynn is the only cleric to be hauled into court to face charges.

So now after twenty years of disgrace, denial and duplicity the Catholic Church has the unmitigated gall to use the legal system to make some obscure point about whether a hospital is a church. Far be it from me to suggest that Rome has decided the best defense is a good offense but check the facts. No archdiocese has sued any state to stop an execution even though the RCC is opposed to capital punishment. The Church hierarchy in Washington State has taken no legal action against that state's assisted suicide law. And we all thought Catholics took a dim view of assisted suicide. Face it. This suit against HHS is misdirection at its best. Timothy Dolan can appear righteously indignant for the NY media and piously defend his anti-birth control policies while never addressing the garbage cans under the piano. Pay no attention to that smell gentlemen. Instead focus your attention on those evil condoms. Seriously!

...or is the global village resulting in global bad behavior?

You can run but you can't hide:

If you have an aversion to crowds, stay away from Mt. Everest. A region formerly populated by only the most serious climbers is now chock-a-block with wannabees and so-called adventure tourists. The 220 deaths on the mountain since Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay made their historic climb in 1953 haven't deterred an army of "adventurers" with more money than sense. Fifty people reached the peak on Friday May 25 with an additional 100 waiting in line. Hold it a minute. Waiting line to reach the top of the world's highest peak? How crazy is that?

All of these climbers seem to have specialities: the first septuagenarian woman, the first blind person (when you meet him please ask him why; because it was there? How would he know?), the first person to ascend without oxygen. One Sherpa has made the accent 21 times. One can soon expect to read about: the first nudist, the first climber to go in the off-season (tougher climb but better rates) and the first person to tweet from the summit.

These climbers and their goofy goals have turned the base camps in Nepal (south base camp) and Tibet (north base camp) into a combination WalMart and landfill. At 5,000 ft. above sea level it requires several days of rest at these places in order to acclimatize, unless you are a Sherpa or a goat. (The primary difference seems to be the goats will climb the mountain at no charge.) As you might imagine, garbage pickup at that altitude is spotty. As a result the place is crammed with empty oxygen containers, Snickers wrappers and abandoned copies of the Mobil Guide to Fine Dining in Nepal/Tibet.

As experienced climbers like myself can tell you (Hey, I once climbed to the very top of Bunker Hill in Boston...without oxygen) climbing a mountain is tough but the return trip will get you killed. This peril is vastly increased by the traffic jam that has been created by all the would-be Hillarys. While you're waiting for your turn the weather can change from friggin' cold to really friggin' cold and your oxygen supply can give out. This is known in the climbing world as SOL or TFB. Either way there's a chance you will become part of the permanent exhibition to be oggled at by next year's crop of intrepid morons. Pretty soon the slope of Everest will look like the Hall of Statues in the Capital except these guys will be reclining.

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And on the subject of idiot tourism we now have too many people visiting the Titanic. That's right, the venerable wreck that remained comfortably undisturbed on the bottom of the Atlantic under 12,415 feet of water for 73 years is now the new "must see" destination. One pair of aqua-boneheads actually got married in a sub just above her decks. This wouldn't be such a problem except some treasure hunters are actually taking pieces home as souvenirs. That's like visiting King Tut's mummy and snicking off his pinkie for a necklace. I mean, would you visit the Great Wall with a chisel? No,wait, forget I asked.

Tourists, and by this I mean American tourists, can't just look at something special, take a picture and move on. They seem to require some tangible proof that they were at the site. I'd like to say that this started when the Berlin Wall came down but it's been going on a lot longer than that. The outer wall of the Tribune Tower in Chicago boasts a piece of the Vatican, the Great Wall, the Taj Mahal, the Alamo and Notre Dame Cathedral. Imagine if everyone helped themselves to a piece of history. The Great Pyramid would be a foundation; the Alamo would be a frozen custard stand and the Taj would be just another smelly town in Western India. You can no longer wander among the great stones of Stonehenge thanks to vandalism. People please...visit the site, take a picture, buy a tee shirt and then go home and bore your friends with tales of travel glory...if you must.

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And finally, a little closer to home we have the case of Mack Wolford. Reverend Mack was a Pentecostal pastor in West Virginia (all those surprised please raise your hands) who planned a good old-fashioned service for Sunday May 26 in an isolated state park. The Reverend envisioned lots of praying, speaking in tongues and, of course, snake handling. Tragically, he did not envision the surly temperament of the snake which bit him. The snake lived. Reverend Mack...not so much.

I know it's bad form to chuckle at the death of another human being and I'm sorry. But seriously, if you're going to handle snakes like they were puppies and then, having been bitten, refuse treatment, it's hard to be shocked and saddened. Wolford, in his defense, was only following the words of the Bible, specifically Mark 16: 17-18. The short version is that faith will save you from snake bites. The quote should probably be amended to read "Faith, and a good health plan, will..." It's not like this is the first time the serpent came out on top. Wolford's father was bitten and died in 1983. The quote that religious snake-handlers should read is from Forrest Gump 6:25-28 "...and the Lord said onto Forrest "Stupid is as stipid does". Amen and hallelujah.

...or should we all live by the motto that never does a man stand so tall than when he stoops to kick a friend?

Where are they now? Where are the flawed figures of the American experience who danced across the public stage, tripped over their metaphorical johnsons and limped into oblivion?

The question was prompted by an article in the Washington Post detailing the recent exploits of a woman whose lack of grace in public office was exceeded only by her complete disregard for the feelings of others. Perhaps you remember Kathleen Harris, former Secretary of State in Florida and disgraced candidate for Senator. It was Kathleen who certified the vote count for George W. Bush in Florida in 2000 despite the fact that only 537 votes separated the candidates. The fact that Ms. Harris was co-chair of the Bush For President effort in Florida clearly played no role in the decision.

Never one to shrink from public spectacle, Kathleen attempted to parlay her 15 minutes of fame into a run for the U.S. Senate. However, it turns out even the citizens of Florida aren't that senile. Her campaign was subtitled "Mr. Bean Runs For Office". Her staff quit, her chief sponsor was indicted and every newspaper and GOP politician in the state ran from her as though she were radioactive. She ultimately lost by a million votes.

Ms. Harris has resurfaced having had her face resurfaced. (OK, that's a cheap shot but this is a person who bought her cosmetics from Barnum and Bailey.) It seems that she and her husband, Swedish businessman Andeers Ebbison, are building a 23,000 sq ft eyesore just south of Sarasota. Proving once again that money buys neither happiness nor taste, the family Harris is receiving less than flattering notices for their Versailles on the Gulf. Although the chateau is seven times as large as the living quarters of the White House it is, after all, only twice as large as Mitt Romney's new beachfront digs in California.

People familiar with Harris' rough treatment of staff are holding a candlelight vigil for the workmen who will be forced to build the manse. More as the story develops.

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As long as we were strolling down memory lane, we thought we'd look in on our friend William Jefferson. Mr. Jefferson was the former Congressman from Louisiana who was unsuccessful at explaining to a federal judge how $75,000 in bribe money ended up next to the frozen peas in his freezer. On May 4th of this year Mr. Jefferson surrendered to the bureau of prisons in Beaumont, TX to begin serving his thirteen year sentence. Any latent feelings of pity for Dollar Bill Jefferson should be quickly ameliorated. Come Thanksgiving, Mr. Jefferson will be reunited with at least four of his friends and relatives all of whom have been convicted in related cases. Family is a beautiful thing.

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And what reunion would be complete without a quick check on our old friend Rev. Ted Haggard?

Ted is best remembered for being the anti-gay leader of the Council of Evangelicals who interpreted the scriptures to say "let the little children to come unto me...as long as they bring cocaine". Ted was a "hands-on" clergyman who was reluctant to condemn things he hadn't tried; so he tried everyone.

Reverend Ted is still a preacher in Colorado. His website includes a tell-all story from his wife Gayle called "Why I Stayed". The title is intriguing in that, having endured the indignity of her husband's outing as a drug-using, rent-boy renting degenerate, Gayle Haggard's ordeal was just beginning. In September of 2011 Mrs. Haggard was subjected to the ultimate shame of being "swapped" with the wife of Gary Busey on Celebrity Wife Swap. Take about grounds for divorce! Seriously, Gary Busey? Was Mickey Rourke's wife busy that weekend?

Nevertheless we wish Rev. Ted and his wife all the best. After all, what is Christianity if not forgiveness? For inspiration we turn to Luke 15 where it says" it is appropriate to be glad because your brother, once dead, is found...besides, he kills in the ratings".

...or do Virginia and France have a lot in common?

Virginia is a wonderful place to live. It has everything: temperate climate, vibrant cities, breathtaking vistas, proximity to the Nation's Capital and as much history as one could absorb in a lifetime. America started in Virginia (screw Boston). Four of our first five presidents were born here. Aside from the cuisine, which Virginia sadly retained from her British forebears, the place has everything. Unfortunately, Virginia, like France, is a victim of its indigenous population. In other words, Virginia would be paradise were it not for Virginians.

Don't take my word, look at the history:

Having spawned the ablest leader of its generation, Virginia chose sides poorly in the conflict of 1861 and forced Robert Edward Lee to play for the runner-up.

Virginia leads the country (and probably the world) in state-sponsored murder, known to you as court-ordered executions.

It was Virginia, attempting to justify its ban on interracial marriage, that prompted the Supreme Court to overthrow all such vestiges of Jim Crow (Loving v. Virginia).

Most recently, Virginia passed a law requiring an intrusive vaginal ultrasound for women seeking an abortion.

The state whose leaders gave the world a new meaning of freedom and self-government can never quite decide which end of the stick it wants to hold. Should Virginia be the state typified by the University of Virginia, a renowned seat of learning or by Liberty University, a renowned seat of reactionary intolerance? Does Virginia want to return to its place as the home of thought leaders or will it be content to be nothing but a gaggle of over-educated, Bible-thumping rednecks?

Yes, Virginia went for President Obama in 2008 but honestly, without the D.C. suburbs, most notably Fairfax County, Virginia is just Oklahoma with less dust and a lousier football team. That fact was vividly on display this week as the Virginia State Assembly finished up its housekeeping for the spring session. Among the docket items was the confirmation of three judges which required legislative approval. One appointee, C.L. "Clay" Athey is a proponent of carrying concealed weapons in public buildings. His approval was semi-automatic. Another appointee was Tracy Thorne-Begland whose public personae was a bit less "good ole boy". Mr. Thorne-Begland was a fighter pilot and Navy officer who challenged the Navy's ban on gay service more than twenty years ago. For his troubles, Mr. Thorne-Begland was honorably discharged...twice. He is currently a prosecutor in Richmond. Mr. Thorne-Begland was rejected by the Virginia House.

Naturally, everyone in Virginia who could see beyond their bigotry and Christian crapology thought Mr. Thorne-Begland would have made a fine judge. Even Governor Bob McDonald, hardly a rainbow activist, was dismayed at this blatant discrimination. (Bob apparently forgot his torpedoing of Verbena Askew, a lesbian judge from Newport News. Bob was a state assemblyman at the time. McDonald's quote in 2003 was "homosexuality raises questions about a person's qualification to be a judge". How quickly we forget.)

Predictably, Thorne-Begland's candidacy was opposed by the Family Foundation whose comments went along the lines of: ... inability to be objective... contrary to tradition..blah...Christian bullshit...blah, blah...right-wing bigotry...sleeping with goats...God's plan...guys kissing guys is icky...blah, blah. These people talk as if they were Amish. Why is progress in technology, science (not climate science, of course) medicine (except stem cells) and every other field of human endeavour acceptable but not progress in how we live together? What possible difference could it make to some baggy-pants legislator from Lynchburg how a judge in Richmond lives his life?

Memo to the Virginia Assembly: Your job is to pass laws and make decisions for the general well-being and prosperity of the residence of the Commonwealth. You were not elected to shove your bigoted religious beliefs up my nose. If I want someone to tell me how to live my life I'll call Dr. Phil. You are not in the Assembly to pass judgement on people who are different from you. We have Bill O'Reilly for that. And lastly, you are most certainly not in the Virginia Assembly to force women to have unnecessary, invasive, costly medical procedures. If your interest in the vagina is so all-consuming, become an OB-GYN. At least your probing will be by invitation.