...or will my Smartphone become self-aware before Newt Gingrich?

Things you don't need to care about and probably don't:

The French are holding an election for President. Because French politics is about as complicated as obtaining a Mexican drivers license (and about as interesting), we care only about the important stuff...like who has the hottest wife. Well, no contest here. Have you seen Carla Bruni, aka Mrs.Nicolas Sarcozy? She attracts a bigger crowd in Paris than the Louvre on "half price painting day". Mr. Sarcozy's opponent, Socialist Francois Hollande isn't even married. His "partner" for seventeen years was Segolene Royal who was defeated for President by Monsieur Sarcozy in 2007. (French politics is like an episode of Dallas without the big hair.) Hollande is currently chateau-ed -up with Valerie Trierweiler, a 47 year-old French journalist. Ms. Royal was 57, so an age upgrade there.

Unlike in the U.S., calling yourself a Socialist in France doesn't automatically consign you to laughing stock status on the debate stage. Should Mr. Hollande win (and he's looking good today) he will hardly be the first Socialist President of La Belle France. Think Francois Mitterrand who had the job for 14 years. Actually, Monsieur Hollande is a last minute replacement for New York's favorite hotel guest Dominique Strauss-Kahn. You may remember Mr. Strauss-Kahn as the gentleman who discovered a new way of expressing his appreciation to the chambermaids for good hotel service.

Anyway, if the Socialists win and the effort to roll back France's welfare state loses steam, France may wish to consider a rearmament of the Maginot Line. The Germans will be none too happy if their only real ally in the fight for European fiscal responsibility begins collaborating with the enemy. The Germans may feel the need to occupy Paris again; this time carrying briefcases.

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Because it's fashionable to complain about the customer service that American consumers receive today, allow me to interject my contrarian two-cents. In the last six months (I can't remember back much farther) I have dealt telephonically with service personal from at least 20+ companies. They range from retailers, insurance companies, the phone company (Verizon), internet providers and the electric co. Since most of the time we are calling to voice a complaint or at least correct a wrong, we are not often aware of the manner in which we are treated. I have discovered to my shock that the attention to service is amazingly high.

Seriously, every phone service person I speak to, Indian accents notwithstanding, is gracious, eager to help and surprising tolerant of my usually crappy attitude. I realize when I'm asked if "they have handled my problem" that the words are scripted but at least someone wrote a script and encouraged the service people to follow it. Even when my issue is beyond their competence, the phone people are solicitous and pleasant. There are a lot of ways to tell someone their request is unreasonable and customer service trainers appear to have hit most of them. I can tolerate being told I'm an asshole (God knows it happens often enough) as long as the revelation results in a resolution of the situation. So the next time you are forced to call Allstate about a claim or HP because your printer won't fax, pay attention to the way you are treated. It might be the least contentious conversation you have all day.

...or is France still a great place...except for the French?

What to do? How to feel?

The French have always been like a woman with the looks of a goddess and the personality of Donald Trump. When you think about them, it is always with fondness and longing but three minutes in their presence is enough to encourage thoughts of self immolation. We love them but we hate them. Ever since DeGaulle kicked our troops out in 1966 (showing a rather ungracious attitude toward the country that ensured Frenchmen would not grow up speaking German) France has been a pain in the ass. They recognized Mao in China in 1964 (How hard was that? His puss was all over everything). They built atomic weapons and pointed one at us. Now that's just rude. Anyway, the point is that, like your annoying cousin Mildred, the French will always be around.

Truth be told the French have been behaving rather well these last few years. Under the small but deft hands of Nicolas Sarkozy (accent on the "y" please!) our beret-wearing ally has actually performed like, well, an ally. Now, however, the French have abandoned the creation of diplomatic headaches for philosophical ones. Thanks to a law championed by President Sarkozy, Muslim women will no longer be permitted to wear the traditional (and religiously required) burqa in public places. For those not up on their Muslim fashion, the burqa is a full length veil similar to a table cloth which covers everything but the eyes. The look says "Cousin It". Burqas are to be distinguished from the hijab which covers all but the face and hands. To ban the hijab would cause a conflict with the six or so nuns still wearing the habit. Imparting all the sex appeal of an army blanket, the burqa is apparently designed to help control the hormones of Muslim men. (One wonders how they respond to those lingerie ads in the Paris Metro stations.)

Sarkozy's logic is that the burqa imprisons women and has no place in a secular society that values dignity and equality. (The idea that any society that reveres Jerry Lewis and Sly Stallone can lay claim to any dignity whatever is a conversation for another time.) Muslims currently comprise about 7.5% of the French population but, thanks to a delightful proclivity for reproduction, that figure is projected to be over 10% by 2030. The French are concerned. Muslims do not acclimate well. They tend to live isolated lives out of the mainstream of most of the countries to which they emigrate. They are also noisy. They want everyone to acknowledge their culture and their peculiar laws, like stoning and honor-killing. The French, with some justification, believe that, if you move to my country you should make an effort to blend. By the second or third generation you should smoke, take your dog to restaurants, and look down your nose at everyone else, just like any good (annoying) Frog.

So class, the question for today is: Do you favor the French ban on burqas (a vote for women's rights) or do you favor a woman's right to be enslaved (a vote for women's rights)? Having polled the staff of isitjustme the vote was a narrow 1-0 in opposition to the burqa ban. There's just something about the state arbitrarily deciding what you can and cannot wear. Yes, the state already demands a degree of decency and there should be a law against most of the outfits women wear to Walmart, nevertheless the French law feels a little bigoted and a little provocative. No one has told the Catholics to stop wearing crosses and the Jews are still permitted their yarmulkes. Only Muslims have been singled out as sartorially unacceptable.

If Muslim women want to be free of their religiously imposed second class citizenship, they should not look to Nicolas Sarkozy for liberation. You're in Paris in 2011 not Baghdad in 980. Take the damn thing off and tell your goat-fornicating husband to take a flying leap off a minaret if he doesn't like it. Tell him he can can start eating at McDonald's House of Kabobs and getting his nookie at the local sheep pen. If you want to be treated like chattel that's your right. One article of clothing won't change that. But if you want to join the rest of us in the 21st century, throw off the burqa and walk in the sun. But for God's sake wear sunscreen and clean undies.