Saturday, June 26, 2010

...or maybe there ain't no cure for the summertime blues?

... Things you missed because you were watching Uruguay play Cameroon.

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Arizona is continuing its war on all brown-skinned people. Apparently the plan is to keep anyone darker than the cast of Harry Potter from ever setting foot on the desert dump that is Arizona. I wonder who John McCain will get to clean his 47 houses...Mary friggin Poppins? It's not like illegal immigrants actually want to stay in The Grand Canyon State. They view Arizona as more of a porti-john on the way to Vegas.

Anyway two items attracted a bit of attention this week. State senator Russell Pearce, author of sb1070, the law that makes being Mexican-looking a crime in Arizona, is contemplating a new abomination. Untroubled by annoying documents like the Constitution, Sen. Pearce intends to propose a bill that would nullify the so-called "anchor baby amendment" certifying that children born in the United States are citizens even if their parents are illegal. This racist turdblossom is confident that the Fourteenth Amendment poses no real impediment. Given the current make-up of the Supreme Court he may be right.

Why not stop all the niceties and just declare open season on all brown-skinned people? Sure, you might kill an occasional priest or policeman but hey, you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs. After all, every knuckle-dragger in the state is already authorized to carry concealed. What's a gun for?

With an eye toward ensuring that the citizens of Arizona are as racially polarized as possible, Gov. Jan Brewer (Republican from Rhodesia) was quoted Friday as asserting that most of the immigrants crossing the border from Mexico are in fact mules for the drug cartels. "I believe today, under the current circumstances that we are facing, that the majority of illegal trespassers that are coming into the state of Arizona are under the direction and control of organized drug cartels and they are bringing drugs in." It's difficult to decide which is more egregious: the blatant racist rhetoric offered without one shred of proof or ending your sentence with a preposition.

America needs to vote with their feet. No one should vacation in Arizona. The Baseball All-Star Game scheduled for 2011 in Phoenix should be moved. Taco Bell should close every franchise in the state. The only food products eligible for import into Arizona should be herring and brussel sprouts. If you're so anxious to have your population look like Denmark's you should learn to eat like them.

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This week's winner of the Claude Rains/Captain Renault Award ("I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here") is Judge Martin L.C. Feldman. You may have run across Judge Feldman's name in connection with the ruling on whether the Obama administration can impose a six-month moratorium on deepwater oil drilling. The President/Dept of Interior/Minerals Management Service had the daffy notion that the biggest oil disaster in history should cause a pause in deepwater drilling at least until we find out the cause. Judge Feldman begged to differ. Having ruled in favor of big oil (big surprise) we have since learned that: the Judge is a BFF of Supreme Court powerhouse Antonin Scalia (bigger surprise) and (biggest surprise) that he owned stock in ExxonMobil which he only sold the day before his ruling.

While we know the rules of law and the Cannon of Ethics have yet to be translated into a language Louisiana folk can understand (Feldman was born in Missouri but "educated" in New Orleans), it might have been presumed that a judge hearing an oil related case would recuse himself owing to a potential conflict. Such a presumption would show a woeful lack of knowledge of Bayou justice. In the great tradition of Huey Long and Edwin Edwards we are fortunate that Judge Feldman didn't Twitter his friends and family and give them a heads-up on the impending ruling. It's comforting to know that oily pelicans aren't the only slimy things to wash up on the beaches of Louisiana.

Monday, June 21, 2010

...or is the World Cup beginning to grow on us?

Admit it. You're a little interested. There's a certain appeal attached to rooting for a country whose location requires a consultation with Rand McNally. Don't you feel like a citizen of the world as you wax-on endlessly about the spirited striker play of Slovenia vis a vis Slovakia? Aren't you proud of calling a tie a "draw" or the playing field a "pitch"?How often do you get to yell Go Ghana! or Give 'em hell Honduras? The whole experience is like a giant game of Risk except you don't even have to throw the dice. Improbable pairings pit England against Algeria and Japan against Cameroon. It's like settling the Superman vs. Batman argument with a real contest.

FIFA officials have been sensitive to dicey political rivalries. You won't see N. Korea vs. S Korea unless they miraculously survive the opening round. The U.S. against England might have created a few tense moments had the contest been held in say, 1814. In 2010, no problem. Same story with Brazil vs. Portugal. Potential conflict in say, 1822. Today, not so much.

Anyway, at the current World Cup event in South Africa all the conflict seems to be internal. The team from Jolly Old England, having had high hopes coming in, is showing about as much visible output as a British dentist. Through three matches, the Brits have produced only one goal. English superstar forward Wayne Rooney has had fewer ball-touches than a cloistered nun. Rooney has compounded his weak performance by complaining that the British fans are booing the lads. Too bad! If Rooney and the boys don't survive into the next round, he won't be able to buy a pint anywhere west of Dunkirk.

In general, the Western European teams, always among the favorites, have been laying a collective egg. The mighty Italian, Spanish and German squads have been beaten by countries whose total population is less than the seating capacity at Manchester United's home stadium. Anyone who thought the Swiss were neutral didn't see them punch-out the Spanish. Italy was able to do no better than a draw against New Zealand. Hell, New Zealand's back up goalie is a sheep. The Germans, having put up four goals against Australia (how's that for a kick down under?) went to sleep against Serbia and woke to a 0-1 loss. Serbia was still miffed about that Archduke Franz Ferdinand incident in 1914.

And then there are the French; God love 'em. The odyssey begins in Nov 2009 during a match between Les Bleus and Ireland. The Byzantine system of qualifying rounds had these clubs competing for the last ticket to South Africa. The Irish were miraculously ahead until an illegal hand touch by Thierry Henry gave France the victory and left the Irish screaming foul. (Unfortunately, they were screaming into their pint glasses so their protest went unheard.)
Since their arrival in South Africa, French play has resembled French cheese...stinky. In two matches against weaker opponents the French have posted a draw with Uruguay and a stunning loss to Mexico.

To make things even spicier, one of France's star players, Nicolas Anelka exploded in a blush-inducing tirade during half time of the Mexico match. The bleu language was leveled at the French coach Raymond Domenech. The coach demanded an apology, Anelka explained which part of his anatomy he could stick that idea. Domenech sent Anelka packing (back to Chelsea where he makes a gazillion euro as a high-scoring forward). In protest (how the French love to protest) the entire team is refusing to practice. Given a choice between fighting and going on strike the French never disappoint. The incident has attracted the attention of French President Nicolas Sarkozy who, understanding the virtue of scoring, has asked for a return to the practice pitch. FIFA officials have ordained that if France can't get it's house in order they will send the German team to occupy the stadium.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

...or do we need more proof that dinosaurs and Joe Barton roamed the earth at the same time?

Folks in Oklahoma say the only good thing to come out of Texas is Interstate 40. That's not entirely true. Texas and its Texicans are also responsible for some of the stupidest, absurd and tone-deaf statements ever uttered in the history of political discourse. Think Governor Perry and his interest in secession.Why should you be surprised? 38% of Texans believe that man was created by God in pretty much his present form. More than half of them refuse to believe that humans evolved from other animals. (All the more amazing considering the knuckle-draggers that compose the U. of T. football team.) A stirring 31% (that's a third for you Texans) think that men rode around on dinosaurs. Lewis Black suggested that Texas schools should teach students that The Flintstones is not a documentary.



It should therefore come as no surprise that the people of Texas would elect as one of their representatives to Congress, this month's nominee for Asshat of the Year, Joe Barton. Joe comes to us from the sixth Congressional District, a lovely swath of nothing that gerry-meanders south and east of Dallas. Since 1984, when he replaced another Mensa candidate Phil Gramm, Joe has distinguished himself in two areas: he has sucked up more oil company money than Hugo Chavez and, (surprise, surprise) he has been a continuous speed bump on the road to energy independence and climate change legislation.



Normally his record of obstructionism would simply relegate Congressman Barton to the historical landfill to keep company with 200 years of other Republicans bought and paid for by mining companies, refinery operators, chemical manufacturers and other polluters and plunderers. However, Congressman Barton wasn't content to sit on the sidelines and reinforce our opinion of flat-earth certainists. Joe felt the need to grab the microphone on the morning of Thursday, June 17th and ensure his legacy as the worst toady for big business since the industrial revolution.



Joe Barton stood up before God, everybody and Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum, and apologized for the cruel and heartless way the Obama Administration has treated our oil company brothers. He lambasted the President for "shaking down" those poor, pure-hearted victims at BP who, after all, are as blameless as the pelicans and the shrimp in the Gulf. Drilling with untested methods at depths where accidents are virtually unfixable, sacrificing safety for speed (and profit) were all just regrettable mistakes. They said they were sorry. What more do we need?



Fortunately, America was spared Joe Barton's presence in Congress on Dec 8th. 1941. "Mr. Speaker, I rise today to condemn President Roosevelt's disgraceful response to the accidental discharge of military munitions on the Islands of Hawaii by the benevolent Empire of Japan. A declaration of war is clearly an overreaction to what was, without question, a miscalculation on the part of Japanese naval and air force personnel. The United States should apologize to the Japanese Government for attempting to shoot down Imperial planes who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time." Of course this little flight of fancy presupposes the Japanese had been major campaign contributors.



The silver lining in Joe Barton's cloud is that we have, at long last, discovered the outer limits of Republican stupidity. The holy trinity of right-wing nuttiness, Sarah, Rush and Glenn, have been speechless. Even his own party has thrown Joe under the natural gas-powered bus. Joe Bonner, Republican of Alabama, called Congressman Barton's comments "stupid and insensitive" OUCH! When the guy from Alabama calls you stupid, that leaves a mark.



Faster than you can say drill baby drill, John Boehner and Eric Cantor were in Barton's office explaining the political facts of life to him. Boehner and Cantor are what pass for the brain trust in the GOP. They suggested an immediate un-apology to BP and a new apology to every man, woman, and child in Louisiana. Failure to comply would result in Joe being reassigned to a committee investigating the average depth and breath of cow pies in West Texas. Having stepped in one the size of Dallas, Mr. Barton would be something of an expert.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

...or should the Sunderland family be the new stars of Survivor...Somalia?

Abby Sunderland is home safe and sound. Ms. Sunderland was rescued from the Indian Ocean while attempting to become the youngest moron to sail around the world...alone...blindfolded...with one hand tied behind her...navigating only with a toothbrush...in an inner tube...whatever.

BFD.

OK maybe that's a little harsh but exactly who am I supposed to feel compassion for in this story? First let's talk about the parents. Someone please explain to me why Laurence and Maryanne Sunderland aren't in a cell next to balloon-boy asshat Richard Heene. When you use your children in dangerous stunts so you can be on cable TV (at least the Heene child wasn't actually in the balloon) you should get your wish; think America's Most Wanted. Think "Survivor" meets "Biggest Loser". These people are criminals. We don't give TV shows to wife beaters or sexually abusive parents. Why would we consider anything but jail time for people who send their 16 year old daughter into the Indian Ocean during the winter? Even Captain Jack Sparrow knows better than that.

Now the relieved parents are protesting the $300,000 tab being presented by the Australian government for rescuing sweet Abby. If she had been grabbed by Somali pirates the bill would have been considerably nastier...but think what a reality show that would have made.

I am mystified by the fixation with "youngest person ever to ...whatever". Most home runs in a major league season, I get. Longest number of minutes holding one's breath, maybe. Feats of daring performed by high school kids... no! Well maybe fastest unhooking of a bra in the backseat of a Chevy but that's it. If the nice people at the Guinness Brewing Co had known that their Book of Records (produced originally as a promotional item to settle bar bets) would become an excuse for child abuse, they more than likely would have opted for bar coasters instead. Face it, you don't know the name of the youngest player to ever play in the Majors or the youngest kid to climb Everest. "Youngest" records are a triviality that never merit more than a few lines in the morning paper...unless the kid is killed.

......or are the British adding new meaning to the word "slick"?

Still think British accents are sexy? Rumor has it that Geico is thinking of having the gecko speak with a German accent. "Saf money on kar insurance mit Geico". Hell, they could replace the gecko's voice with Gordon Geico and still antagonize fewer people. General Mills is contemplating a name change for Cheerios to aviod the Brit connection.

British Petroleum has single-handedly destroyed what it took Ronald Coleman and James Bond 75 years to build. Women swooned at the sound of Hugh Grant or Hugh Laurie. Now, between BP president Tony Hayward wanting his life back and board chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg oozing concern for the "small people", the Brits are about as popular around here as they were in 1775. Seriously, who is acting as BP's media consultant, Benny Hill?

America is really angry. Tragically, we should be angry at ourselves for remaining locked in a death dance with oil and the companies that supply it. Thirty two years after the Middle East embargo that had us lining up for a petrofix, nothing has been done to mitigate our gasoline jones. We are embarrassed and we should be. Everyone wants to blame someone but we all know where the real blame lies. Unfortunately, because self-evaluation has never been our strongest suit, we will blame the usual suspects: government, industry, regulations, lack of regulations; everyone but the pelicans...and, of course, ourselves.

Because political discourse is nothing if not ironic, the anti-government, anti-regulation crowd is screaming for government to fix the leak. Those with no actual responsibilities or solutions are excoriating the President for his inability to somehow make things right. Shocking! Those who proclaim "Obama's Katrina" are wrong. This is America's Chernobyl.

BTW If you think that's it's urban legend that BP has co-opted Google and Yahoo so that company approved sites come up first in a search, check it out. It's true.

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Thursday, June 03, 2010

...or could Isreal solve its problems by changing its name to East New Jersey?

If you ever wonder why the State of Israel has adopted a "go it alone we don't care what you think" foreign policy, check out the world reaction to the unfortunate shoot-out aboard the Marmara in the waters off Gaza on May 31.

Background: Since 2005 Israel, in compliance with the terms of the 1994 Oslo Accords, ceded administrative authority in Gaza to the Palestinian Authority. That would be Yassar Arafat's Palestinian Authority who spent better than 40 years trying to add Israel to the list of extinct countries. (America and Rand McNally disapproved.) Anyway, to express its gratitude for being given this semi-autonomous region all to themselves, the Palestinians responded by electing the single most radical violent government this side of North Korea: Hamas. That newly minted government immediately began lobing mortars and rockets into western Israel. Unwilling to accept the Hamas explanation that these were just fireworks in celebration of their new government, the Israelis sent in the Army (more about this later). Peace was restored (sort of) however the Israelis were concerned that governments hostile to Israel ( a list that includes about everyone except Lichtenstein) might try to supply the Hamas government with some new exploding greeting cards. That is why the Israelis have been blockading Gaza ports.



Fast forward to the events of May 31, 2010. A flotilla of "aid ships" attempts to run the Israeli blockade. Israel responds with commandos who repel onto the deck of the Marmara. Ship's crew takes dim view of uninvited guests. Using clubs and pipes they ask the commandos to leave. The commandos, armed with paint ball rifles but loaded side arms (don't ask me. I never shot a paintball.) respond to this poor hospitality by shooting 14 crewmen. The resultant worldwide response was akin to that of the Holocaust. (Oh, wait! There was no worldwide response to the Holocaust.)



Of particular interest is the response from places like Gaza, Russia and Iran. If these countries are not careful they will exhaust the world supply of irony. For any country like Iran to accuse Israel of "state sponsored terrorism" would be funny if it weren't said so seriously. The president of Bosnia likened the blockade to the siege of Sarajevo in 1992. The difference in loss of life was a mere 10,000 to 11. In Bosnia anything can be compared to the siege of Sarajevo.



The Secretary General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-moon, expressed "shock". Considering the thousands who die each year in senseless wars in Africa over issues no one understands, Ban mustn't be easily shocked. Honestly, the United Nations created the State of Israel in 1947 and has spent the 63 intervening years apologizing for the decision. In all the years of debate in both the General Assembly and the Security Council, nary a good word is ever uttered about a country whose entire neighborhood is determined to negate its existence. Now more than ever we see that the UN exists entirely to afford a peanut gallery of countries the opportunity to express their worthless useless opinions. What a waste of valuable East Side real estate.



There is little doubt that the death of nine crewmen aboard the Marmara was avoidable and Israel probably could have handled things differently but, the forced outrage by world leaders is not only outsized it's outlandish. What did we hear when 46 South Korean sailors were killed when their ship was torpedoed by a genuine bad actor Kim Jong Il? Nothing. What was the British government's response to the murder of 11 oil rig workers when BP ignored safety precautions resulting in their horrific deaths? Crickets! It appears that world outrage is very specific and situational. If you want to kiss the collective asses of the Muslim/Arab world, piss on Israel. If you want to show your Muslim minorities that you really, really care about them, piss on Israel. If you want to appeal to the anti-American faction in your country but don't wish to aggravate Uncle Sam (and lose those foreign aid dollars) piss on Israel.
France has been less than useless in the debate over Iran. Japan has been less than no help in the confrontation over N. Korea. All any of these countries can agree upon is that it's safe to condemn Israel for anything. If there is a Hebrew word for pinata is should be sewn into the Israeli flag.