Rule #1 Button your jacket.
Bobby "don't call me Piyush" Jindal, Republican Governor of Louisiana, was accorded the dubious honor last night of following America's rock star President. This was the entertainment equivalent of Joaquin Phoenix following Chris Rock. Immediately after President Obama's tour-de-force presentation in front of a joint session of Congress, Governor Buzzkill was required to explain in ten minutes or less why: a) Obama's way forward is all wet, and b) why obstructing the President at every turn is a formula for success and prosperity. This would have been a tall order for an orator with skills. For Governor Jindal it was a public service announcement after the Super Bowl.
Governor Jindal is a smart guy. Having rejected Yale Law and Harvard Medical, he received a Masters in Political Science from Oxford. Rhodes Scholars rarely find their way into the ranks of Louisiana Politicians. The State that gave America Huey Long, Governor Edwin Edwards (currently a guest of the State) and David Duke former State Representative and grand wizard of the KKK, is justifiably proud when one of their own isn't introduced to America doing the perp walk. Louisiana politicians generally arrive in the national spotlight via either federal custody or pending witness protection.
This Governor is a contradiction at every turn. Having been raised a Hindu, he converted to Catholicism in high school. Thus, he can now eat burgers on six of the seven days of the week. His intelligence makes him stand out among Republicans even more than his complexion. (Standing with the Senate Republican Caucus, they look like the road company of Gunga Din.) He is referred to in political circles as a policy wonk, which apparently means that he actually reads most of the legislation he signs. This trait would have caused considerable snickering in the Bush White House where Cliff Notes were all the rage.
Sending Governor Jindal to rebut the President's plan was almost cruel. Bobby may be many things but a speechafier isn't one. He might as well have been a commentator for Canadian TV. As a rule of thumb, your spokesman's tie shouldn't make a flashier statement than he does. Watching Bobby Jindal attempt a justification for inaction, I was reminded of another Rhodes Scholar turned politician, Bill Bradley. Although a Democrat, Bradley shared many of the same traits evidenced by Governor Jindal. Both are extremely intelligent. (Jindal's light shines brighter amid the dim bulbs of his fellows.) Both had a love for the details of politics and legislation. Sadly, as communicators both men were about as exciting as the robe closet at the Supreme Court.
Because the attention span of the American voter runs to nano-seconds, politicans need to grab and hold their audiences long enough to jam a fact or two in their ears. Bradley, while gifted, was the national cure for insomnia. We wish Governor Jindal better luck. He does have one thing going for him. He has, thus far, never been photographed holding up a number. No mean feat for a son of Louisiana.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
...or is suppressing your gag reflex becoming a full-time job?
Attend the tale of the juvenile justice system in Northeastern Pennsylvania. Imagine that your son or daughter has been arrested and charged with attending a party where underage kids were drinking or, writing their name on a building wall or, defaming the character of a teacher on the internet. You're embarrassed as your repentant offspring is hauled in front of a judge. You're expecting a stern reprimand directed at both your child and most probably, at you. Imagine your surprise when, instead of a tongue-lashing, your child is sentenced to three months in a correctional facility.
Such was the fate of an estimated 5,000 (yes, 5,000!) young people in Luzerne County in Northeastern Pennsylvania. It seems that two judges, Michael Conahan and Mark Ciavarella, Jr cooked up a nifty scheme to not only rid the streets of budding delinquents but make a nice buck in the bargain. Judge Conahan secured a contract with two privately run youth detention centers operated by PA Child Care whereby, in return for a small gratuity, Judge Ciavarella would keep the company's facility stocked with miscreants. The total payoff ran to something north of $2.6 million.
Because judges are among the last remaining absolute monarchs in the world, the plan went unchallenged for eight years. Conahan was president judge in control of the budget and Ciavarella ran the juvenile division. It's a wonder these guys were ever caught. According to their plea agreement, both judges will serve 87 months in prison. (For the mathematically challenged, that's 7 years, 3 months.) And you thought Charles Dickens just made those stories up, didn't you?
Such was the fate of an estimated 5,000 (yes, 5,000!) young people in Luzerne County in Northeastern Pennsylvania. It seems that two judges, Michael Conahan and Mark Ciavarella, Jr cooked up a nifty scheme to not only rid the streets of budding delinquents but make a nice buck in the bargain. Judge Conahan secured a contract with two privately run youth detention centers operated by PA Child Care whereby, in return for a small gratuity, Judge Ciavarella would keep the company's facility stocked with miscreants. The total payoff ran to something north of $2.6 million.
Because judges are among the last remaining absolute monarchs in the world, the plan went unchallenged for eight years. Conahan was president judge in control of the budget and Ciavarella ran the juvenile division. It's a wonder these guys were ever caught. According to their plea agreement, both judges will serve 87 months in prison. (For the mathematically challenged, that's 7 years, 3 months.) And you thought Charles Dickens just made those stories up, didn't you?
Friday, February 13, 2009
or Stupid is as stupid does volume II
Dateline - An undisclosed location
As for the former Vice President, the only word that comes to mind is despicable. What else do you call someone who deliberately encourages America's enemies to attack this country? In case you missed it, Cheney was interviewed after the inauguration and stated flatly that the policies of Barak Obama will almost certainly bring about an attack by our enemies. In other words, if we don't continue to incarcerate people indefinitely without trials, if we don't torture suspected terrorists, if we don't strip American citizens of every conceivable civil right in the search for bad guys, we can expect something to blow up in America very soon. Are you listening, Osama?
This is a first. No ex-President or ex-Vice President in modern times has ever attacked a new administration in such a visceral and mean-spirited manner. Even Nixon kept his trap shut. Not only is it bad form, (like that ever stopped Cheney before) it's reckless. Cheney is an insider. If he asserts that the country is more vulnerable why wouldn't the terrorists take him at his word?
This is not a Republican position, nor does it conform to the standard definition of Conservative. This is a twisted, misguided illusion that safety only possible if Dick Cheney is at the helm. according to his rules it is perfectly permissible to destroy the country in order to save it. This isn't patriotism, it's megalomania. You don't get to wrap yourself in the flag here because nothing is more anti-American than the suspension of Constitutional rights. We allow Nazis to march in the streets because freedom of speech has real meaning in America. We allow guilty criminals to escape justice because laws designed to protect all of us, also protect them. We permit citizens to burn the American flag because , even if we must hold our collective noses, freedom in America has the force of law.
The country that reveres the 400,000 Americans dead in World War II nevertheless shrinks from the idea that more lives might be lost here at home because we are a free society. Rights and freedoms have a price and that price might very well include the additional loss of civilian life in America. Our laws protect us to a point but they also allow freedom to our enemies. I can think of no law or restriction that would have prevented the destruction of the World Trade Center and the notion that George Bush and his Patriot Act has prevented another disaster is wishful thinking. Of course, we should do everything possible, within the framework of the Constitution, to prevent another 9-11, but shredding the body of laws under which we live to achieve a modicum of safety is an unacceptable compromise.
Believe me, you don't want to live in Dick Cheney's America.
As for the former Vice President, the only word that comes to mind is despicable. What else do you call someone who deliberately encourages America's enemies to attack this country? In case you missed it, Cheney was interviewed after the inauguration and stated flatly that the policies of Barak Obama will almost certainly bring about an attack by our enemies. In other words, if we don't continue to incarcerate people indefinitely without trials, if we don't torture suspected terrorists, if we don't strip American citizens of every conceivable civil right in the search for bad guys, we can expect something to blow up in America very soon. Are you listening, Osama?
This is a first. No ex-President or ex-Vice President in modern times has ever attacked a new administration in such a visceral and mean-spirited manner. Even Nixon kept his trap shut. Not only is it bad form, (like that ever stopped Cheney before) it's reckless. Cheney is an insider. If he asserts that the country is more vulnerable why wouldn't the terrorists take him at his word?
This is not a Republican position, nor does it conform to the standard definition of Conservative. This is a twisted, misguided illusion that safety only possible if Dick Cheney is at the helm. according to his rules it is perfectly permissible to destroy the country in order to save it. This isn't patriotism, it's megalomania. You don't get to wrap yourself in the flag here because nothing is more anti-American than the suspension of Constitutional rights. We allow Nazis to march in the streets because freedom of speech has real meaning in America. We allow guilty criminals to escape justice because laws designed to protect all of us, also protect them. We permit citizens to burn the American flag because , even if we must hold our collective noses, freedom in America has the force of law.
The country that reveres the 400,000 Americans dead in World War II nevertheless shrinks from the idea that more lives might be lost here at home because we are a free society. Rights and freedoms have a price and that price might very well include the additional loss of civilian life in America. Our laws protect us to a point but they also allow freedom to our enemies. I can think of no law or restriction that would have prevented the destruction of the World Trade Center and the notion that George Bush and his Patriot Act has prevented another disaster is wishful thinking. Of course, we should do everything possible, within the framework of the Constitution, to prevent another 9-11, but shredding the body of laws under which we live to achieve a modicum of safety is an unacceptable compromise.
Believe me, you don't want to live in Dick Cheney's America.
Friday, February 06, 2009
...or is "Stupid is as stupid does" becoming the new world order?
Maybe it was the tainted peanut butter. Maybe he was just tired of seeing Barak Obama grab all the headlines. There must be some explanation for the actions of Pope Benedict XVI beyond his being a crabby, miserable geriatrics who is drifting into irrelevancy. Whatever the reason, he has proven that no good deed does unpunished.
Dateline: Rome
Having already made every effort to offend the Muslims in 2006, The Vicar of Christ decided to take a page from the George W. Bush Isolationist Handbook and see if he couldn't stir up the Jews. One can imagine the Pope coming down to breakfast and announcing to his staff that he has had a great idea. "Let's reinstate Bishop Richard Williamson and the other three excommunicated dinosaurs who were consecrated by every body's favorite schismatic, Cardinal Marcel Lefebvre. Not only will we win points with the Society of Pius X (more later) but we will aggravate all the Jews and most of the Germans." (Actually the German people are probably sick of wearing a hair shirt over something that happened before most of them were born.)
Always the cut-up, Bishop Williamson repaid the Pope's kindness by proclaiming his assertion that the Holocaust was a radically overstated misunderstanding; actually something of a rounding error in the WWII death toll. According to him, a few Jews were killed (seemingly by accident) but not as part of any state-sponsored genocide. Certainly no gas chambers were used. Boy, wait until Steven Spielberg finds out. This bit of revisionist history has had the effect of making Benedict XVI look like a both a Jew-hater and a bad German, a rare two-fer.
The Vatican's public relations cleanup squad was quick to assert that the Pope was only trying to heal a rift with Cardinal Lefebvre and the Society of Pius X. The Society apparently believes that any attempt at liberalizing the Catholic Church is Godless and just a damn shame. They have exactly zero use for Vatican II and won't be happy until the Church returns to Latin Masses, unpadded kneelers and penances that involve whips with little knots. Think of the Bush administration but with cassocks. The Catholic Church seems to be up to their mitres in societies that favor "that old-time religion". (see also Opus Dei.)
This Papal tap dance may not have soothed the radical right in the Catholic Church but it sure frosted the good feelings with the Jews that Benedict's predecessor had tried to foster. Hopefully the Pope wasn't planning a trip to Jerusalem anytime soon, or to Germany either. People who disavow the Holocaust in der Fatherland end up in jail. Benedict now finds himself with: 1) an angry Germany, 2) angry Jews, 3) angry Church liberals and 4) a still unrepentant, off-the- reservation bishop. Talk about your diplomatic triumph. If Benedict could only find a way to annoy women, he'd have the quinella.
Dateline: Rome
Having already made every effort to offend the Muslims in 2006, The Vicar of Christ decided to take a page from the George W. Bush Isolationist Handbook and see if he couldn't stir up the Jews. One can imagine the Pope coming down to breakfast and announcing to his staff that he has had a great idea. "Let's reinstate Bishop Richard Williamson and the other three excommunicated dinosaurs who were consecrated by every body's favorite schismatic, Cardinal Marcel Lefebvre. Not only will we win points with the Society of Pius X (more later) but we will aggravate all the Jews and most of the Germans." (Actually the German people are probably sick of wearing a hair shirt over something that happened before most of them were born.)
Always the cut-up, Bishop Williamson repaid the Pope's kindness by proclaiming his assertion that the Holocaust was a radically overstated misunderstanding; actually something of a rounding error in the WWII death toll. According to him, a few Jews were killed (seemingly by accident) but not as part of any state-sponsored genocide. Certainly no gas chambers were used. Boy, wait until Steven Spielberg finds out. This bit of revisionist history has had the effect of making Benedict XVI look like a both a Jew-hater and a bad German, a rare two-fer.
The Vatican's public relations cleanup squad was quick to assert that the Pope was only trying to heal a rift with Cardinal Lefebvre and the Society of Pius X. The Society apparently believes that any attempt at liberalizing the Catholic Church is Godless and just a damn shame. They have exactly zero use for Vatican II and won't be happy until the Church returns to Latin Masses, unpadded kneelers and penances that involve whips with little knots. Think of the Bush administration but with cassocks. The Catholic Church seems to be up to their mitres in societies that favor "that old-time religion". (see also Opus Dei.)
This Papal tap dance may not have soothed the radical right in the Catholic Church but it sure frosted the good feelings with the Jews that Benedict's predecessor had tried to foster. Hopefully the Pope wasn't planning a trip to Jerusalem anytime soon, or to Germany either. People who disavow the Holocaust in der Fatherland end up in jail. Benedict now finds himself with: 1) an angry Germany, 2) angry Jews, 3) angry Church liberals and 4) a still unrepentant, off-the- reservation bishop. Talk about your diplomatic triumph. If Benedict could only find a way to annoy women, he'd have the quinella.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
...or did penance used to be only five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys?
Confession may be good for the soul but it's hell on your political career. It doesn't do much for your endorsements, either.
Today's papers are full of contrition. We have:
the almost-but-not-quite Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tom Daschle;
the lesser known Nancy Killefer who was slated to be the President's Chief Performance Officer, whatever that is; and
the all-American boy turned stoner, Michael "Jeff Spicoli" Phelps.
Daschle first.
There was just no way to fix this. By the time the Obama vetters discovered and corrected Daschle's tax problem, the damage was done. If you're working for someone and he gives you something of value and the company declares it as an expense, that's income to you. Bonuses, trips, lavish gifts, and cars equipped with drivers...all income. When you formerly authored tax policy for America, "I didn't realize..." is not the "A" response. Sadly, in a world where the CEO of Merrill Lynch thinks it's OK, under any condition, to install a $87,000 rug in his office; where car company CEO's fly their corporate jets to Washington to beg for cash; where tone-deafness is so pervasive and entitlement so ingrained that John Edwards imagines that he can run for President and shtupp another woman; no one should be surprised.
The big loser here is America. Tom Daschle had three decades as a Washington insider. If anyone could have forged a universal healthcare package and had it passed, it was he. Senators knew and, for the most part, trusted him. Whoever the administration chooses to replace him will be a step down. This is what happens when you get too close to lobbyists and power brokers. Alfred Hitchcock was once asked if he said that actors were cattle. He replied, "I never said that actors were cattle. I said actors should be treated like cattle." Lobbyists may not be scum but, they should certainly be treated as such.
We never got to know Nancy Killefer. Her affiliation with the consulting giant McKinsey & Co. tells me that, as Chief Performance Officer, she would have been terrific at telling other people what was wrong with them and how "you" should fix it. A good friend tells me that consultants are men who know 500 ways to make love but don't know any women. Whatever Nancy's tax issues are we may never know. However, there may be a power point presentation in our future.
Whether you are in the tank for Obama (and most of us are) or not, you have to be impressed with the grace of the man. First, he takes responsibility; not my staff, not my information gatherers...me. "I screwed up". If Dick Nixon had tried that, he would have completed two terms (but probably no David Frost interview). If GWB had taken the blame for his uncountable mistakes it would have gone on longer than Kate Winslet at an awards show, but he wouldn't be hated as much as he is. No one expects a President to be perfect but we do expect them to be accountable. We expect them to take ownership, fix the problem, learn from it and move on. In President Obama's case, one can imagine him thumb-tapping on his Blackberry "Memo: Christmas presents for cabinet and staff to include Turbo Tax program and a $500 gift certificate to H&R Block."
Michael Phelps is just a kid. Well OK so he's 24. He's still allowed to do stupid things. He's allowed to drive a little too fast, try to unhook his girlfriend's bra in the backseat of his car and experiment with happy smoke at a party. What he is not allowed to do is get caught doing them. In a time of picture phones this might prove difficult; just ask Brittany, Prince Harry and the Oakland Transit Police.
Phelps has used two of his three strikes, having been tagged for DUI in Maryland in 2004. His endorsements are safe for the moment (except for those prudes at Kellogg). Public statements from Speedo, Visa and Omega all say that there are no plans to throw Phelps overboard. After all, who is on the "A" list for Speedo? How about Sully Sullenberger of US Airways fame? He's pretty good in the water.
Today's papers are full of contrition. We have:
the almost-but-not-quite Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tom Daschle;
the lesser known Nancy Killefer who was slated to be the President's Chief Performance Officer, whatever that is; and
the all-American boy turned stoner, Michael "Jeff Spicoli" Phelps.
Daschle first.
There was just no way to fix this. By the time the Obama vetters discovered and corrected Daschle's tax problem, the damage was done. If you're working for someone and he gives you something of value and the company declares it as an expense, that's income to you. Bonuses, trips, lavish gifts, and cars equipped with drivers...all income. When you formerly authored tax policy for America, "I didn't realize..." is not the "A" response. Sadly, in a world where the CEO of Merrill Lynch thinks it's OK, under any condition, to install a $87,000 rug in his office; where car company CEO's fly their corporate jets to Washington to beg for cash; where tone-deafness is so pervasive and entitlement so ingrained that John Edwards imagines that he can run for President and shtupp another woman; no one should be surprised.
The big loser here is America. Tom Daschle had three decades as a Washington insider. If anyone could have forged a universal healthcare package and had it passed, it was he. Senators knew and, for the most part, trusted him. Whoever the administration chooses to replace him will be a step down. This is what happens when you get too close to lobbyists and power brokers. Alfred Hitchcock was once asked if he said that actors were cattle. He replied, "I never said that actors were cattle. I said actors should be treated like cattle." Lobbyists may not be scum but, they should certainly be treated as such.
We never got to know Nancy Killefer. Her affiliation with the consulting giant McKinsey & Co. tells me that, as Chief Performance Officer, she would have been terrific at telling other people what was wrong with them and how "you" should fix it. A good friend tells me that consultants are men who know 500 ways to make love but don't know any women. Whatever Nancy's tax issues are we may never know. However, there may be a power point presentation in our future.
Whether you are in the tank for Obama (and most of us are) or not, you have to be impressed with the grace of the man. First, he takes responsibility; not my staff, not my information gatherers...me. "I screwed up". If Dick Nixon had tried that, he would have completed two terms (but probably no David Frost interview). If GWB had taken the blame for his uncountable mistakes it would have gone on longer than Kate Winslet at an awards show, but he wouldn't be hated as much as he is. No one expects a President to be perfect but we do expect them to be accountable. We expect them to take ownership, fix the problem, learn from it and move on. In President Obama's case, one can imagine him thumb-tapping on his Blackberry "Memo: Christmas presents for cabinet and staff to include Turbo Tax program and a $500 gift certificate to H&R Block."
Michael Phelps is just a kid. Well OK so he's 24. He's still allowed to do stupid things. He's allowed to drive a little too fast, try to unhook his girlfriend's bra in the backseat of his car and experiment with happy smoke at a party. What he is not allowed to do is get caught doing them. In a time of picture phones this might prove difficult; just ask Brittany, Prince Harry and the Oakland Transit Police.
Phelps has used two of his three strikes, having been tagged for DUI in Maryland in 2004. His endorsements are safe for the moment (except for those prudes at Kellogg). Public statements from Speedo, Visa and Omega all say that there are no plans to throw Phelps overboard. After all, who is on the "A" list for Speedo? How about Sully Sullenberger of US Airways fame? He's pretty good in the water.
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