The National Library has a problem. Dick Cheney's book comes out this week and the library is stuck. It seems the Dewey Decimal System has no category for "pure egomaniacal bullshit". The book is titled "In My Time" but should have been called "In My Dreams". To call it fiction dishonors every author who ever tried to tell a good story. Calling it non-fiction would trigger the gag reflex of everyone unfortunate enough too draw to close to the stacks. it maybe historical fiction but, the only actual history aside from the dates, is that the names are mostly spelled correctly. That any tree should have been sacrificed to produce this tripe is enough to make Smokey the Bear take up arson. I tried downloading the book through itunes and the website threw-in a free recording of "It's only Make Believe".
I never expect much candor from a politician in a biography. Having been second-guessed throughout their public lives, political figures write memoirs as a opportunity to explain the decisions they made and share their thought processes. That said, did it really take Cheney 576 pages to say "I was always right and everyone else was always wrong"? In Cheneyworld mistakes were always made by the other guy. The CIA screwed up on WMD. Condoleezza Rice was at fault on yellow-cake uranium and Cheney never heard of Katrina. Honestly, if this book had any more bullshit in it you could toss it in a bucket of cleaning solvent and make a serviceable truck bomb. Half the book is Cheney sitting in his office like Yoda with the great and small parading past to tell him how he was right all along. I was waiting for a paragraph about the time Harry Whittington came by to thank Dick for shooting him in the face.
You expect excuses and obfuscation in these books. Nobody likes to admit they were wrong but this load of cow flop takes first prize at the meadow muffin derby. Waterboarding is the perfect example. Any man with a shred of dignity would have said "9-11 scared the bejeebeers out of everyone. Our first concern was that it wasn't going to happen again. In our zeal to keep the country safe we may have used methods of interrogation which, upon further reflection, now appear excessive." Not our boy Dick. In spite of the undisputed fact that no usable information ever came from anyone while they were being tortured, Cheney defends the tactic and proudly proclaims that its use was justified. Well, that clears that up.
Of particular distaste is Cheney's attack on Colin Powell. Considering that Cheney never did anything more dangerous for his country that jay-walk on Constitution Ave., it takes a special kind of coward to suggest that Powell was anything but a stand-up guy during his time as Secretary of State. Cheney is clearly jealous of Powell's popularity among Americans; most of whom think Cheney is a mean-spirited asshat who makes everyone think of the crabby uncle in the family that no one likes. When Cheney left office he had a popularity rating of 14%. Casey Anthony polled better.
Naturally, I haven't read the book (not with so many copies of The Nation piling up) but it appears clear that, in spite of Cheney's boastful assertion, the only head likely to explode in Washington, was GWB. George had the apparently mistaken impression that he had been President from 2001 to 2009. Turns out GWB was only in charge when the wrong decisions were made. Barnes and Noble will need to tie an anchor to the display table to keep the methane from floating the books away. (They won't leave the store any other way!)
At some point former Vice President Cheney must have felt that the book was a little too self-serving. He needed a neutral, unbiased voice to counterbalance his self congratulatory fist pumping. Fortunately, Liz Cheney was between screeds at Fox News. Having played no part in the Bush administration and having zero insight as to the workings of government, Liz was the perfect choice. (FYI, Liz is the straight one) Dick would have been better served had he selected Bush's Scottish Terrier Barney to help with the manuscript. At least he was at one or two cabinet meetings. Barney is also housebroken and doesn't beg scraps from the table. Liz...not so much.
So it's clear that I don't much like Dick Cheney. It seems unlikely that anything he put in his book was going to change my mind. It would have been nice, however, to be able to say something about Cheney's refreshing reflection on a lifetime of living off the government. He was a congressman from Wyoming so someone must have liked him somewhere. However, if you're ever tempted to think a kind thought about Richard Bruce Cheney, just remember, it was Cheney along with Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz and a few others who engineered the outright lies that pushed America into two wars and got more than 6,000 Americans killed in Afghanistan and Iraq. Let him try to bullshit his way out of that.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
...or is Rick Perry just GWB with better hair and no pedigree?
Rick Perry has entered the 2012 Republican Presidential Race with all the subtly of a person who shows up unfashionably late and a bit drunk to your dinner party, all braggadocio and bad manners. You get the impression that he only joined the fray so those cute little women-folk from Minnesota and Alaska wouldn't have to shoulder the burden of hauling all that teabag bullshit all over America. Hell, he looks like the Marlboro Man after a year on human growth hormones. Thank God he loves his hair so much or we'd have another cowboy hat in the ring. The Texas Governor is running for President because...wait for it... God told him to. What with God nudging candidates in and out of the contest for GOP candidate(Bachmann in, Huckabee out), no wonder He took his eye off the ball and we ended up with Hurricane Irene.
Perry got to be Governor of Texas when George W. Bush got to be President. A more nuanced example of reverse evolution you will never see. Hardly a testimonial for intelligent design. On the MENSA meter, Perry makes George W. Bush look like Bertrand Russell. Rick Perry's reputation in Texas is that of a slow-witted, scam artist who never saw a special interest he couldn't tap for a contribution. His business card says "Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, "quid pro quo". The only difference between Perry and Huey Long is the cost of his hair stylist.
Governor Perry arrives on the national scene with just the right blend of tea and sympathy. Naturally, he hates our current President. Perry thinks the last thing Barack Obama got right was the ""...so help me God" part of his inauguration address. He hates TARP, hates stimulus, hates healthcare, hates raising the debt ceiling and really hates Obama's choice of mustard at Ray's Hellburger. He touts the growth of jobs in Texas forgetting the fact that all, and I mean all, of the new jobs in Texas are either minimum wage or public sector. There are about four hundred military bases in The Lone Star State. Counting the Long Horns football team almost everyone in Texas is wearing a uniform. The Governor who made headlines in 2010 by suggesting that Texas might declare for independence from the mother country is only too happy to take all the federal gravy he can get.
Perry professes to run a fiscally conservative ship in Texas yet the State is currently running a $27 billion deficit. To close the gap, Perry has slashed $4 billion from the K-12 education budget. Good choice! The state already ranks at the bottom among the state residents with a high school diploma. (That includes 61% of the states basketball players.) That gives them a world education ranking near Somalia and just ahead of Azerbaijan. If Texas were a country, Sally Struthers would be filming aid commercials from Abilene.
Armed with the confidence that fear sells (hey, it worked for Glenn Beck) Perry has attempted to demonize all things federal. Hoping to garner the survivalist vote Ricky has attacked Ben Bernanke (a well-known tool of Marxism) and labeled social security a Ponzi scheme. Apparently Old Rick hasn't been checking the birth certificates of the teabaggers lately. Most of them are only able to attend rallies thanks to senior discounts. Having never actually seen or used public transportation, Perry is unfamiliar with the concept of the third rail.
Perry has already been forced to respond to ethical questions in Texas. Those issues will only intensify as the national press begins to dig. After all, you know how mean-spirited the liberal media can be. According to the New York Times, Perry received $17 million in campaign donations from more than 900 of Texas state appointees and their spouses. Who says Texans don't know how to return a favor? If Perry can dream up 25,400 additional government jobs at $19,000 per contributor, he'll have the 1/2 billion needed to run for President. Think of how rosy the unemployment picture in Texas will be then.
What Governor Perry forgets is that low state taxes and no state income tax sound great but his gains come at the expense of other states. If you remove the safety net that is minimum wage, OSHA, EPA and NLRB from the national equation, every state suffers. People can no longer trust the produce they eat or the water they drink. Low wage jobs boost employment rates but create more poverty and the need for more assistance. No healthcare drives people to emergency rooms for care. ENRON, Bear Stearns and AIG have amply demonstrated what unregulated capitalism can produce. The "low taxes will produce more jobs" canard has been disproved time and time again. Low taxes produce corporate profits...period. If that is Governor Perry's idea of fresh thinking, he really is dumber than George W. Bush.
Perry got to be Governor of Texas when George W. Bush got to be President. A more nuanced example of reverse evolution you will never see. Hardly a testimonial for intelligent design. On the MENSA meter, Perry makes George W. Bush look like Bertrand Russell. Rick Perry's reputation in Texas is that of a slow-witted, scam artist who never saw a special interest he couldn't tap for a contribution. His business card says "Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, "quid pro quo". The only difference between Perry and Huey Long is the cost of his hair stylist.
Governor Perry arrives on the national scene with just the right blend of tea and sympathy. Naturally, he hates our current President. Perry thinks the last thing Barack Obama got right was the ""...so help me God" part of his inauguration address. He hates TARP, hates stimulus, hates healthcare, hates raising the debt ceiling and really hates Obama's choice of mustard at Ray's Hellburger. He touts the growth of jobs in Texas forgetting the fact that all, and I mean all, of the new jobs in Texas are either minimum wage or public sector. There are about four hundred military bases in The Lone Star State. Counting the Long Horns football team almost everyone in Texas is wearing a uniform. The Governor who made headlines in 2010 by suggesting that Texas might declare for independence from the mother country is only too happy to take all the federal gravy he can get.
Perry professes to run a fiscally conservative ship in Texas yet the State is currently running a $27 billion deficit. To close the gap, Perry has slashed $4 billion from the K-12 education budget. Good choice! The state already ranks at the bottom among the state residents with a high school diploma. (That includes 61% of the states basketball players.) That gives them a world education ranking near Somalia and just ahead of Azerbaijan. If Texas were a country, Sally Struthers would be filming aid commercials from Abilene.
Armed with the confidence that fear sells (hey, it worked for Glenn Beck) Perry has attempted to demonize all things federal. Hoping to garner the survivalist vote Ricky has attacked Ben Bernanke (a well-known tool of Marxism) and labeled social security a Ponzi scheme. Apparently Old Rick hasn't been checking the birth certificates of the teabaggers lately. Most of them are only able to attend rallies thanks to senior discounts. Having never actually seen or used public transportation, Perry is unfamiliar with the concept of the third rail.
Perry has already been forced to respond to ethical questions in Texas. Those issues will only intensify as the national press begins to dig. After all, you know how mean-spirited the liberal media can be. According to the New York Times, Perry received $17 million in campaign donations from more than 900 of Texas state appointees and their spouses. Who says Texans don't know how to return a favor? If Perry can dream up 25,400 additional government jobs at $19,000 per contributor, he'll have the 1/2 billion needed to run for President. Think of how rosy the unemployment picture in Texas will be then.
What Governor Perry forgets is that low state taxes and no state income tax sound great but his gains come at the expense of other states. If you remove the safety net that is minimum wage, OSHA, EPA and NLRB from the national equation, every state suffers. People can no longer trust the produce they eat or the water they drink. Low wage jobs boost employment rates but create more poverty and the need for more assistance. No healthcare drives people to emergency rooms for care. ENRON, Bear Stearns and AIG have amply demonstrated what unregulated capitalism can produce. The "low taxes will produce more jobs" canard has been disproved time and time again. Low taxes produce corporate profits...period. If that is Governor Perry's idea of fresh thinking, he really is dumber than George W. Bush.
Saturday, August 06, 2011
...or is television just a mirror with better reception?
Well it's almost September and you know what that means. Yes, it means you can pack your little offspring onto a bus and have them be someone else's problem all day. No, it doesn't mean the new car models will showcase. That gig ended with Bonanza. But that's a hint. September means the new fall network shows will premier. True, there has been a steady stream of new shows on cable but the fall lineup has always been special for those of us who remember rabbit ears and Art Linkletter.
As usual ABC, NBC, CBS and Fox (Fox is still a late-comer to us purists) will dazzle us with a glorious array of sitcoms and dramas slavishly copied from whatever was popular last year. Considering that TV has been around since the 40's, you'd think the industry could brag on something more substantial than Shark Week or Bridezilla. True, we had Roots and MASH, Gunsmoke and Howdy Doody, but we also have Snookie and Simon Cowell. Two steps forward, two steps back.
Anyway, the impetus for this quibbling rant is the upcoming premier of the new NBC offering "The Playboy Club". This will be followed by ABC's "PAN AM". Both shows plan a jaunty stroll down memory lane to a time when men were men and women were exploited sex objects. You can thank the success of Mad Men for reintroducing America to the halcyon days of smoking, drinking and ass-pinching.
Both shows are set in the hedonistic 60's. Not the 60's of "hell no, we won't go" or "turn on, tune in, drop out". No, these are the early 60's; a time of Camelot when even the President was using women like Kleenex. Who wouldn't want to return to the days of martinis, wife-swapping and Marlboro's? A glorious time when men could delude themselves into believing that bad behavior had no consequences. After all, did James Bond ever cough from smoking? Did drinking ever stop William Powell as the Thin Man from delivering pithy bon mots? Did swordsmanship keep JFK out of the White House?
There is little doubt that both of these shows will be cancelled before the second commercial break. Copy-cat television rarely succeeds. OK, I know, CSI and Law and Order. But there's a difference between copying and cloning. As TV writers often do, the creators of The Playboy Club misinterpreted the reason for the success of Mad Men. Yes, the men are pigs and the women loose but how is that different from Jersey Shore? The real allure of Mad Men is the same as the formula for any good drama, namely well drawn characters and well written scripts. Copying the backdrop is about as intelligent as assuming The Godfather is about Italian fashion after the War.
Mad Men is good because all of it is good; not just the costumes or the cleavage (both of which are excellent). I suggest that America continue to frequent shows like Justified or even The Living Dead (which, by the way, was stolen from the Republican National Convention) and leave The Playboy Club to the exploitative era from whence it came. Nobody wants to revisit polio either.
As usual ABC, NBC, CBS and Fox (Fox is still a late-comer to us purists) will dazzle us with a glorious array of sitcoms and dramas slavishly copied from whatever was popular last year. Considering that TV has been around since the 40's, you'd think the industry could brag on something more substantial than Shark Week or Bridezilla. True, we had Roots and MASH, Gunsmoke and Howdy Doody, but we also have Snookie and Simon Cowell. Two steps forward, two steps back.
Anyway, the impetus for this quibbling rant is the upcoming premier of the new NBC offering "The Playboy Club". This will be followed by ABC's "PAN AM". Both shows plan a jaunty stroll down memory lane to a time when men were men and women were exploited sex objects. You can thank the success of Mad Men for reintroducing America to the halcyon days of smoking, drinking and ass-pinching.
Both shows are set in the hedonistic 60's. Not the 60's of "hell no, we won't go" or "turn on, tune in, drop out". No, these are the early 60's; a time of Camelot when even the President was using women like Kleenex. Who wouldn't want to return to the days of martinis, wife-swapping and Marlboro's? A glorious time when men could delude themselves into believing that bad behavior had no consequences. After all, did James Bond ever cough from smoking? Did drinking ever stop William Powell as the Thin Man from delivering pithy bon mots? Did swordsmanship keep JFK out of the White House?
There is little doubt that both of these shows will be cancelled before the second commercial break. Copy-cat television rarely succeeds. OK, I know, CSI and Law and Order. But there's a difference between copying and cloning. As TV writers often do, the creators of The Playboy Club misinterpreted the reason for the success of Mad Men. Yes, the men are pigs and the women loose but how is that different from Jersey Shore? The real allure of Mad Men is the same as the formula for any good drama, namely well drawn characters and well written scripts. Copying the backdrop is about as intelligent as assuming The Godfather is about Italian fashion after the War.
Mad Men is good because all of it is good; not just the costumes or the cleavage (both of which are excellent). I suggest that America continue to frequent shows like Justified or even The Living Dead (which, by the way, was stolen from the Republican National Convention) and leave The Playboy Club to the exploitative era from whence it came. Nobody wants to revisit polio either.
...or has the South decided that, although you can't fix stupid, you can still elect it?
It sometimes appears that our Southern brethren are committed to a desperate attempt to return to Margaret Mitchell's vision of the world. State capitols must be beaten into striking the confederate flag. The most benign gun restrictions are savagely attacked as some Northern conspiracy to confiscate all weapons. Asshats like Rick Perry even suggest a new secession movement. (That may have sounded nifty when running for Governor. Let's see how often presidential candidate Perry disavows that notion.) And when the subject is race and racist, the states of the Old South continue to display their true colors: white, whiter and translucent.
Alabama has discovered that while racial intolerance against blacks is passe (not to mention detrimental to recruiting football players for the University of Alabama), it is perfectly acceptable to be rude and bigoted toward brown people. Secure in the knowledge that few if any Mexicans will seek scholarships as wide receivers anytime soon, Alabama has enacted the single most draconian immigration law in the country. If Alabama has its way, eating a burrito in public will be a felony.
Aside from the obvious disgraceful racism exhibited by the state that gave us George C. Wallace and Bull Connors, the practical aspects of this law are elusive. Sure, Alabama is always ready to step to the front of the line when the subject is intolerance but why Spanish people? Hello! Alabama is not a border state. The closest that Alabama comes to an influx of non-English speaking strangers is illegal border crossings by people from Mississippi. Latinos comprise only about 2% of the total resident population and that includes occasional visits by The Buena Vista Social Club.
Alabama has farms and farms need underpaid, exploited workers. Without help from south of the border Alabama farmers will be forced to exploit Arkansans or some other hapless, easily identifiable minority. That cotton won't pick itself. Face it, the only cotton that white Alabama will ever pick is the plug at the top of an aspirin bottle.
Hey, it's not like we're not sympathetic to Alabama's desire to excell at something. After all, it's too late to be the leader in execution. Virginia had a head start and Texas is thinking of putting their hangmen on two shifts. Alabama can't be the gun-crazy capital. That honor resides in Arizona. (More on that tomorrow.) Unfortunately, Alabama will have to content itself with the distinction of being the racist capital of America. Well, look on the bright side: at least you won't have to decide what color to make the flag.
Alabama has discovered that while racial intolerance against blacks is passe (not to mention detrimental to recruiting football players for the University of Alabama), it is perfectly acceptable to be rude and bigoted toward brown people. Secure in the knowledge that few if any Mexicans will seek scholarships as wide receivers anytime soon, Alabama has enacted the single most draconian immigration law in the country. If Alabama has its way, eating a burrito in public will be a felony.
Aside from the obvious disgraceful racism exhibited by the state that gave us George C. Wallace and Bull Connors, the practical aspects of this law are elusive. Sure, Alabama is always ready to step to the front of the line when the subject is intolerance but why Spanish people? Hello! Alabama is not a border state. The closest that Alabama comes to an influx of non-English speaking strangers is illegal border crossings by people from Mississippi. Latinos comprise only about 2% of the total resident population and that includes occasional visits by The Buena Vista Social Club.
Alabama has farms and farms need underpaid, exploited workers. Without help from south of the border Alabama farmers will be forced to exploit Arkansans or some other hapless, easily identifiable minority. That cotton won't pick itself. Face it, the only cotton that white Alabama will ever pick is the plug at the top of an aspirin bottle.
Hey, it's not like we're not sympathetic to Alabama's desire to excell at something. After all, it's too late to be the leader in execution. Virginia had a head start and Texas is thinking of putting their hangmen on two shifts. Alabama can't be the gun-crazy capital. That honor resides in Arizona. (More on that tomorrow.) Unfortunately, Alabama will have to content itself with the distinction of being the racist capital of America. Well, look on the bright side: at least you won't have to decide what color to make the flag.
Thursday, August 04, 2011
...or should there be a rating agency to downgrade the GOP?
We begin today's roster of head-shakers with the aftermath of the teabagger attempt to derail the American economy in the name of fiscal responsibility. What a crock! The people who swarmed to the polls to elect George Bush twice (ugh) are shocked, shocked to discover that the ruinous policies of 2001-2008 (unfunded tax cuts, two totally unnecessary wars, an unfunded drug program) have run up America's debts. Their answer, of course, is to tax the poor by dismantling social programs that benefit people who don't vote Republican.
These shameful solutions to the country's fiscal woes speak volumes about the cynical mantra of the teabaggers and the politicians they elect. To risk America's reputation and credit status (now rated just above Turkmenistan and just below Burkina Faso) around the world merely to advance the agenda of the Cooke Bros. is a disgrace and unworthy of Americans. For any candidate (we're talking to you, Michele Bachmann) to suggest that default is "no big deal" exhibits a disregard for the facts as well as for the country they profess to love. We have now seen the response when America merely toyed with the idea of default. I do not wish to live in a country that treats stupidity as though it were a virtue.
The teabaggers and their toadies in Congress have taken exception to being called terrorists. Well folks, if the buckled shoe fits... The dictionary defines terrorist as a person who uses terror to advance a political end. Not all terrorists wear bombs. Some wear pearls. To borrow from Jeff Foxworthy, if you run around the Capitol threatening to blow up the economy in order to sabotage the President you hate, you just might be a terrorist. If you think your agenda is so important that it's worth millions of lost jobs, you just might be a terrorist. If you think that a campaign pledge to Grover Norquist is more important than your oath to protect and defend the Constitution you just might be a terrorist. If you think your knowledge of how global economics works exceeds that of every economist and financial expert in the entire world, you are not just a terrorist, you're not smarter than a fifth grader.
Blame Barack Obama if you like. Toss him out after one term. That's the system we live by. Just don't delude yourself into believing that your problems will magically end with the inauguration of President Perry or President Christie or President Romney. Trust me, in two years that new face will still be blaming Barack Obama for the sluggish economy. Be careful what you wish for.
These shameful solutions to the country's fiscal woes speak volumes about the cynical mantra of the teabaggers and the politicians they elect. To risk America's reputation and credit status (now rated just above Turkmenistan and just below Burkina Faso) around the world merely to advance the agenda of the Cooke Bros. is a disgrace and unworthy of Americans. For any candidate (we're talking to you, Michele Bachmann) to suggest that default is "no big deal" exhibits a disregard for the facts as well as for the country they profess to love. We have now seen the response when America merely toyed with the idea of default. I do not wish to live in a country that treats stupidity as though it were a virtue.
The teabaggers and their toadies in Congress have taken exception to being called terrorists. Well folks, if the buckled shoe fits... The dictionary defines terrorist as a person who uses terror to advance a political end. Not all terrorists wear bombs. Some wear pearls. To borrow from Jeff Foxworthy, if you run around the Capitol threatening to blow up the economy in order to sabotage the President you hate, you just might be a terrorist. If you think your agenda is so important that it's worth millions of lost jobs, you just might be a terrorist. If you think that a campaign pledge to Grover Norquist is more important than your oath to protect and defend the Constitution you just might be a terrorist. If you think your knowledge of how global economics works exceeds that of every economist and financial expert in the entire world, you are not just a terrorist, you're not smarter than a fifth grader.
Blame Barack Obama if you like. Toss him out after one term. That's the system we live by. Just don't delude yourself into believing that your problems will magically end with the inauguration of President Perry or President Christie or President Romney. Trust me, in two years that new face will still be blaming Barack Obama for the sluggish economy. Be careful what you wish for.
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
...or is my country further off the rails than a Chinese high speed train?
This missive will be the first (or at least the most recent) in a series.
Even more reasons to move to France...now...soon...
Christian Mingle? Really? "Maybe God wants you to act?" (I might have said "take your love life into your own hands" but most Christians consider that a sin.)
Web sites like eHarmony and Match.com are OK I guess. People are busy and finding the time to meet and vet a life partner is a challenge. After all, your days and nights are consumed with staring at your Blackberry/Smartphone. Better to let a computer choose your stalker. Besides, whether you hit it off or not, your portable communication devices will ensure that you never actually have to talk with your partner. And, if things get sticky, there's always restrainingorder.com.
Seriously, I understand why Jews have jdate.com and Muslims check salaamlove.com. Both groups represent a small percentage of the population. An unmarried Jew could spend months in Abilene, TX trying to scare up a minyan let alone finding a single girl. A Muslim in Phoenix would have to pray a lot more than six times a day to have any hope of getting an Islamic date. For small groups like this, sub-set sites make sense. For Christians...not so much.
First of all Christians are a plague. They're everywhere. You can't swing the shroud of Turin without hitting one. It's not like they're hiding. With their scrubbed complexions and modest garb they're as obvious as Al Sharpton at an RNC rally. If you have an hour or so to kill, approach one of these Liberty University alums and ask if they are a Christian. Trust me they won't surreptitiously draw a fish in the dirt.
Christians have unlimited chances to meet the holy roller of their dreams. There are church services, Klan meetings, Michele Bachmann rallies. (The main difference between the two is no one wears pearls to a Klan meeting.) What about anti-abortion gatherings or anti-mosque rallies? Between the hate speeches and the shooting there should be plenty of time for mingling. After all, the vetting process is relatively simple. "Hi, my name is Daniel, like the prophet. Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior? Great, me too. Will you marry me?"
The Christian Mingle site questionnaire is extensive, enlightening and really separates the wheat from the chaff. Questions include:
Where/when did you find Jesus?
a) in Church
b) in prison
c) in an image on a potato chip
d) when my ex-wife pointed a shotgun at me and my secretary in the No-tell Motel.
Have you saved yourself for marriage?
a) Yes
b) No
and 'yes' your cousin counts.
How much do you drink?
a) never
b) never on Sunday
c) never in Church
d) never during the actual service
(Irish applicants are not required to answer.)
How often do you attend Church?
a) every Sunday
b) Christmas and Easter
c) weddings and funerals
d) during the last hockey game in hell
Clearly, only the pious need apply.
So once you meet the virgin of your dreams, where do you go on a date? Bars are out. Restaurants are OK but how many serve unleavened bread? Movies are good but your selections are limited to "Winnie the Pooh Reads from Isiah" and "The Passion of the Christ". (spoiler alert: in spite of all the blood, gore and suffering this story does not end well.) A play would be good but perhaps you should steer clear of "The Book of Mormon". You could always take her back to your place and show her your collection of fruits and vegetables shaped like the Virgin Mary.
On some level Christian Mingle would seem counter-productive. Wouldn't it be better to meet and convert some poor misguided atheist or Jew? Maybe even a person who chose to be gay? After all, what's the good of learning all those Bible verses if your partner keeps finishing your sentences? Better to troll for souls on some secular site. Who knows, you might get to convert Ms. Wrong into Mrs. Right. Remember, forming a lasting bond is the first step to bondage. Good luck, all you Christians!
Even more reasons to move to France...now...soon...
Christian Mingle? Really? "Maybe God wants you to act?" (I might have said "take your love life into your own hands" but most Christians consider that a sin.)
Web sites like eHarmony and Match.com are OK I guess. People are busy and finding the time to meet and vet a life partner is a challenge. After all, your days and nights are consumed with staring at your Blackberry/Smartphone. Better to let a computer choose your stalker. Besides, whether you hit it off or not, your portable communication devices will ensure that you never actually have to talk with your partner. And, if things get sticky, there's always restrainingorder.com.
Seriously, I understand why Jews have jdate.com and Muslims check salaamlove.com. Both groups represent a small percentage of the population. An unmarried Jew could spend months in Abilene, TX trying to scare up a minyan let alone finding a single girl. A Muslim in Phoenix would have to pray a lot more than six times a day to have any hope of getting an Islamic date. For small groups like this, sub-set sites make sense. For Christians...not so much.
First of all Christians are a plague. They're everywhere. You can't swing the shroud of Turin without hitting one. It's not like they're hiding. With their scrubbed complexions and modest garb they're as obvious as Al Sharpton at an RNC rally. If you have an hour or so to kill, approach one of these Liberty University alums and ask if they are a Christian. Trust me they won't surreptitiously draw a fish in the dirt.
Christians have unlimited chances to meet the holy roller of their dreams. There are church services, Klan meetings, Michele Bachmann rallies. (The main difference between the two is no one wears pearls to a Klan meeting.) What about anti-abortion gatherings or anti-mosque rallies? Between the hate speeches and the shooting there should be plenty of time for mingling. After all, the vetting process is relatively simple. "Hi, my name is Daniel, like the prophet. Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior? Great, me too. Will you marry me?"
The Christian Mingle site questionnaire is extensive, enlightening and really separates the wheat from the chaff. Questions include:
Where/when did you find Jesus?
a) in Church
b) in prison
c) in an image on a potato chip
d) when my ex-wife pointed a shotgun at me and my secretary in the No-tell Motel.
Have you saved yourself for marriage?
a) Yes
b) No
and 'yes' your cousin counts.
How much do you drink?
a) never
b) never on Sunday
c) never in Church
d) never during the actual service
(Irish applicants are not required to answer.)
How often do you attend Church?
a) every Sunday
b) Christmas and Easter
c) weddings and funerals
d) during the last hockey game in hell
Clearly, only the pious need apply.
So once you meet the virgin of your dreams, where do you go on a date? Bars are out. Restaurants are OK but how many serve unleavened bread? Movies are good but your selections are limited to "Winnie the Pooh Reads from Isiah" and "The Passion of the Christ". (spoiler alert: in spite of all the blood, gore and suffering this story does not end well.) A play would be good but perhaps you should steer clear of "The Book of Mormon". You could always take her back to your place and show her your collection of fruits and vegetables shaped like the Virgin Mary.
On some level Christian Mingle would seem counter-productive. Wouldn't it be better to meet and convert some poor misguided atheist or Jew? Maybe even a person who chose to be gay? After all, what's the good of learning all those Bible verses if your partner keeps finishing your sentences? Better to troll for souls on some secular site. Who knows, you might get to convert Ms. Wrong into Mrs. Right. Remember, forming a lasting bond is the first step to bondage. Good luck, all you Christians!
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