...or is listening to Dick Cheney a legal form of torture?

What year is this anyway? Are we really engaged in a Congressional debate about what constitutes torture? Is the country that champions the concept of freedom for everyone and fought wars against oppression, actually parsing whether inflicting intentional, premeditated suffering is justified as a interrogation technique? Is America so afraid of Islamic bogeymen that we would torch our Constitution and roll back human rights to concepts that were repudiated in the sixteenth century? Watching Judge Michael Mukasey attempt to dance between the raindrops at his confirmation hearing is truly disturbing. He was originally quoted as expressing repugnance at the idea that Americans would condone torturing prisoners. Now, however, the judge is having second thoughts. As Mukasey waffles about this vital issue,so does his support in the Senate. Once a virtual lock to be confirmed as the new Attorney General, Judge Mukasey is currently undergoing a little torture of his own. There is no ambiguity about what constitutes torture. If you are inflicting pain on a prisoner in order to elicit information, that's torture. Period. Waterboarding, thumb screws, the rack and extended sleep deprivation all amount to the same thing. Monty Python notwithstanding, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition. The incredible cynicism of this administration on this issue borders on the criminal. This gang of cowards actually thinks that torture is OK as long as we fly the prisoner to another country and allow client governments to do the deed. At least Saddam did his own dirty work. American veterans who witnessed first hand the consequences of state sponsored pain in Germany, are happily voting for Republicans who visit the same treatment on Muslims. If you think it's different, you're kidding yourself. What you hear as justification is, "We are torturing them because they attacked us on 9-11." Wrong! We are torturing them because they look like and worship like those who attacked us on 9-11. In 1942, we incarcerated 120,000 Japanese Americans for only one reason: fear. Attorney General Tom Clark, a loyal Democrat, gave the green light to the decision. Although America has apologized since, I suspect that most people at the time felt a bit better knowing that all those little almond-eyed devils were safely behind the wire in the western dessert. After all, they attacked us, didn't they? History has a way of occasionally making us look pretty stupid. (For reference please consult the history of America's Inquisition aka, The House Committee on Un-American Activities.) I suspect that a more enlightened generation in the future will read the transcripts of Judge Mucasey's hearing with bemusement. Were America's leaders really trying to quantify how much inflicted pain constitutes torture? Is the definition the same for women as men? Why would America even be torturing people? Didn't they know that the intel gathered at sword-point is unreliable? If George W. Bush thinks that waterboarding and other forms of torture are acceptable interrogation techniques, let him say so. Stop hiding behind your Attorney General's legal skirts and hold a press conference. "I come before you today to assert that the United States feels completely justified squeezing the gonads of any Middle Easterner who hates us for our freedom. I don't care what the Attorney General thinks." A speech like that could cause Kansas to ratify the repeal of the 22nd Amendment. (look it up) So in summation: Torture is wrong Torture is unconstitutional Torture produces bad, unreliable intelligence Only an Attorney General who recieved his law degree on-line from headupyourass.com would condone torture. Class dismissed.

...or is Monday all that untrustworthy?

Things you don't need to know: Item Former prison inmate Genarlow Wilson is a free man today. Mr. Wilson was a guest of the State of Georgia for more than two years, having been found guilty of receiving oral sex from a fifteen year old girl when he himself was only eighteen. Genarlow was all smiles as he emerged from the penitentiary saying that he holds no one to blame for the ten year sentence he received. The Georgia State Supreme Court gagged on the conviction,calling it grossly disproportionate to the crime. Mr. Wilson has stated that the next time he goes looking for love he will avoid the junior high schools and try the AARP web site. "If she ain't drawing social security, I pass" said Mr. Wilson. __________________________________________________________________________ Item The American Bar Association has recommended a moratorium on executions throughout the United States. While the ABA takes no formal stand on the death penalty, a study by the Association has concluded that sufficient problems exist in the administration of the death penalty. Poor DNA evidence control, faulty eye-witness testimony and pervasive racism all lead the ABA to their recommendation. Interestingly, many more whites are being executed than blacks. Once again whitey moves to the front of the line. The states that were reviewed include Alabama, Arizona, Georgia, Florida, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Tennessee. When asked why Texas was not included in the study, an ABA spokesperson indicated that the group never likes to group amateurs with professionals. The ABA further suggested that the states dispatch a fact finding mission to Saudi Arabia (beheading with a sword) or Iran (stoning) to gather expertise on how executions should be performed. ___________________________________________________________________________ Item In a related story, a Moscow judge sentenced Alexander Pichushkin, the "chessboard killer", to life in prison for the murder of 40 people and the attempted murder of an additional three. It seems that those barbaric Ruskies have a moratorium on the death penalty. The law is still on the books but capital cases are shunned in practice, even for a man who killed 40 people. Pichushkin was called the chessboard killer due to his boast that he intended to murder one person for every square on the chessboard. He claimed to have killed 60 but the prosecution could not verify the total. When informed of this heinous crime, President George W. Bush expressed relief that Pichushkin wasn't a checkers player. __________________________________________________________________________ Item GAP, Inc. was shocked, shocked to learn that one of their subcontractors, an Indian company, was using child labor in their sweatshop in New Delhi. A spokesperson for GAP attributed the problem to a typo in the contract with the Indian firm. GAP understood that the children, some as young as ten, would be working in a "sweetshop". "We were misled from the start" said Marka Hansen,from GAP's New York headquarters. Ms. Hansen went on to assert that GAP would never do business with a sweatshop. "The sweat gets all over the jeans and makes them smell just awful. Our customers would never approve."

...or is FEMA in serious need of emergency management?

You would have thought that the Bush administration might have learned something/anything from that little rainstorm in New Orleans in Aug. 2005. The disaster photos from Louisiana and Mississippi, the deaths of 1,800 people, the trailers that never arrived, the attempt to prevent black people from crossing the Crescent City Connection by the Gretna, Louisiana police, all should have caused a serious reevaluation of how federal agencies respond to a disaster. Dream on, children.



Last week, Southern California lived through the worst series of fires in recent memory. 500,000 people were evacuated and 17 people died. Almost 800 square miles of forests and neighborhoods were scorched. Once again the Bush administration leapt into action. This time George's plane actually landed near the disaster site (as opposed to the fly-over in New Orleans). The President was quick to offer support although he stopped short of, "Arnold, you're doing a heck of a job".



The President might have complimented his current administrator of FEMA but he can be forgiven for not knowing his name. Who does? Actually it's R. David Paulison who, interestingly enough, is a career firefighter.



FEMA rushed in and immediately sprung to action... by holding a bogus press conference. Taking a page from the White House Communications Office playbook, FEMA announced a press conference at its Southwest Washington, D.C. headquarters about 15 minutes before it was to begin, making it unlikely that reporters could attend. They set up a telephone conference line so real reporters could listen (but not ask questions). The actual press conference was peopled with shills from FEMA who proceeded to ask softball questions designed to highlight FEMA's jackrabbit response to the California disaster. Naturally, none of the questioners were identified as FEMA employees.This sham was presided over by Vice Admiral Harvey E. Johnson, deputy administrator at FEMA. Having been outed, the Admiral has apologized. Presumably he's sorry he got caught.



And so we continue to live under the most inept, tone-deaf, duplicitous gang of administrators since The Gang Who Couldn't Shoot Straight. They lied about Saddam, they lie about the death toll in Iraq (if you're shot in the chest, you're not a war casualty), they ignored the victims of Katrina and they refuse to listen to the deafening shouts of Americans to bring the troops home. I guess it's tough to hear anything over the applause from your own employees. George, you're doing a heck of a (snow)job.

...or is the moral high ground really a valley?

We can remain silent no longer. When, in the course of human events, an incident occurs that demands response, it is incumbent upon every person of conscience to stand up and be counted. Thankfully, Congress is meeting that challenge. And what is this burning event that has moved our leadership to action?

America's disastrous foreign policy?

The constant strain of illegal immigration?

The scourge of MoveOn.org?

The outrageous cost of Springsteen tickets?

No. Your brave legislators are embroiled in a titanic struggle to decide whether the forced relocation of the Armenians by the Turks in 1915 amounted to genocide.

For an American population fuzzy on its own history ( many young Americans think the U.S. fought alongside the Germans in WW II), questions like "What's an Armenian?" and, "Is Turkey really a country too?" abound. The real question regarding this arcane resurrection of Byzantine history is: " Why, in 2007, is Congress debating the labeling of atrocities committed 90 years ago?

Seemingly for the same reason that you can't buy a decent Cohiba in America. A few vocal constituents living in a few legislative districts have applied enough pressure on their Congresspeople to force their beliefs/prejudices/grudges on all the rest of us.

Just in case you slept through your World History class or were out sick the day they covered World War I, the history goes something like this. Armenia (when there was an Armenia) was situated on the Eastern border of Turkey. At the outbreak of The Great War in 1914 the Turks were uncomfortable having a Russian ally on their Eastern flank (Turkey was pulling for the Kaiser; Russia was playing for the Brits and the French). The Turks decided to "relocate" the Armenians to Syria (you might wish to consult a map). This relocation was accomplished with the same compassion as the Bataan Death March. Of the approximately 1.5 million Armenians involved, more than 600,000 did not survive the trip.

Turkey claims that, in war, stuff happens. The Armenians (what's left of them) assert that this was a Turkish excuse to exterminate the entire population. Now, 92 years later, we hear from the United States. Thanks to bipartisan stupidity from a gaggle of California congresspeople, there is legislation in the House to officially define Turkey's action as genocide. This would be funny if it weren't so dumb.

Turkey is maybe the only friend America has in the Middle East. Considering a 95% Muslim majority in Turkey, that's a pretty cute trick. Why would the U.S. Congress want to stick a finger in the eye of such a vital ally while we have soldiers in harms way in the region? Even George W. Bush, who never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity, thinks that this is a goofy thing to be doing.

The bill was approved out of committee by a 27-21 vote. Hopefully the full House will let this ill-conceived foolishness die a natural death. Then Congress can begin the more important debate regarding the Rape of the Sabine Women or the salting of the fields of Carthage. (You'll need more than a map for that one. You'll need a time machine.)

We live in an age of apology. The Pope apologizes to the Jews because the Catholic Church sat out the Holocaust. America (presumably white America) has apologized to black America for slavery. Sadly, the Turks appear disinclined to follow this trend. Perhaps America should do what America does best - offer money. George W. is spending a gizzillion dollars in the region as it is. What's another billion or two?

As for Turkey, next time you want to eradicate a pesky population, do it right. Call Erik Prince at Blackwater.