...or is America desperate for some royalty? Any royalty?

As of today, the Governor of New York, David Paterson, is still weighing his options with regard to the soon-to-be-vacant Senate seat of Hillary Rodham Clinton. Unless you have been living in Dick Cheney's undisclosed location, you probably know the leading candidate for the job is Caroline Kennedy-Schlossberg, daughter of the sainted John Fitzgerald Kennedy...the Lord have mercy on his soul. This decision has created an interesting quandary, not just for Governor Paterson but for thinking liberals everywhere. (Yes, Virginia, liberals do think occasionally. The term "knee-jerk" is a major overstatement.) On the one hand Caroline is a bright, educated, well-spoken women who has devoted much of her energies to worthy causes. She attended Columbia Law and has raised three children. Her choice to avoid the spotlight has been just that - a choice. She has not spent the last thirty or so years clipping coupons in Hyannis Port and Palm Beach.

Unfortunately, Caroline's longtime low profile is working against her. Prior to her public support of Barak Obama, Ms. Kennedy-Schlossberg confined her civic activities to educational causes and work with the Kennedy Foundation. Her relatively recent appearance on the national political stage and subsequent role as maybe senator-to-be has the look of a coronation. Have we all been standing around waiting for a new Kennedy to lead us? Critics argue that a pretty face and a star spangled name does not a legislator make. Fortunately for Ms. Kennedy-Schlossberg, many of those critics thought Sarah Palin would be a peachy vice president and George W. Bush would rival Lincoln as a chief executive.

Several facts are clear. It certainly doesn't take a Rhodes scholar to be a Senator. As proof I offer Larry "wide stance" Craig and Ted "the furniture storage man" Stevens. If you can manage to get yourself elected, the job is yours. The key point, however, is "get yourself elected." Being appointed is a different situation.

In Illinois, this decision was easier. The more zeros on the check, the more likely you are to hear "right this way, Senator." Governor Paterson has it tougher. He can't look like he's just making the easy choice. He also can't appear to be pandering to Barak Obama or his henchmen. The appointment can't look like a quid pro quo payoff for Caroline's support in the primaries. What to do? What to do?

The Governor could "go maverick" (don't you hope you never hear that term ever again?) and chose a total unknown. After all, that's what Paterson was before his predecessor, Governor Eliot "Client #9" Spitzer pulled him from the legislature in Albany to be his running mate in 2006. As such, Paterson is certainly no stranger to the concept of being plucked from obscurity. Given his current dilemma, he probably wishes that Spitzer had chosen some other guy.

It's not like Paterson is swimming in options. He could name Andrew Cuomo, New York's current Attorney General, but Cuomo's star power is, like Kennedy-Schlossberg's, derived primarily from his name. (Cuomo could gain valuable support from his current girl friend, Food Channel star Sandra Lee. After all nobody doesn't like Sandra Lee.) Beyond Cuomo and Kennedy-Schlossberg the pickings are a bit sparse. (Chelsea Clinton has thus far expressed no interest in replacing her mother in the Senate.)

Governor Paterson still has a few options. He could use a lifeline and call a friend; my advice would be to contact the Governor of Delaware. Paterson could contact Fred Armison of Saturday Night Live to see which choice will garner the least ridicule. He could call Rahm Emanuel, although I doubt old Rahm is anxious to discuss Senate seats with any governor without benefit of council. Lastly, Paterson could try the old Sarah Palin switcheroo and name himself. At least that way he wouldn't be accused of picking a well known superstar. Paterson is easily the most obscure man in New York.

Happy New Year!

...or is George W. Bush really the hardest working man in show business?

Thoughts at the close of 2008 Volume II


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Yes, I know. George Bush is history...gone...adios. Stop flogging a dead jackass. Well, I'm trying, however, when new tidbits of idiocy continue to crop up every day, it's tough to just let go.

Example: The Bush Administration, in a farewell embrace of the National Rifle Association, has issued a new policy permitting the carrying of loaded, concealed firearms in most national parks and wildlife refuges. (Read that again!) Could someone possibly enlighten me as to what purpose is served by allowing hikers, campers and nature-lovers to stroll the Oyster Bay National Wildlife Refuge packing heat? These aren't hunters we're discussing. Just your average family man communing with nature in the company of his family and his Glock 9mm with 14 in the clip and one in the chamber. So what's next, George? You still have 20 days. How about a law permitting dog fighting in church basements; or lifting the pooper-scooper laws in New York? There's still plenty of time to mangle the economy or befoul the atmosphere. Call your EPA director if you need any ideas.

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Former Attorney General Alberto "Torture? Why Not!" Gonzales is writing a book to clear up the misunderstanding surrounding his tenure as America's Top Cop. One can hardly wait to dive into 355 pages of how the liberal media distorted and misrepresented his good intentions and wise legal counsel. Who could resist the heart-warming story of a poor Catholic child born in Humble, Texas (Yes. That's the town name) and his rise to attend Harvard Law and ultimately to head the Justice Department in 2005? Don't expect to see much about how Al and his boss ran the U.S. Constitution through a blender to justify the incarceration of prisoners in Guantanamo or the systematic torture of detainees at Abu Graib. Other likely omissions will certainly include: The Texas Youth Commission Scandal, the complete ignorance of the Geneva Convention and the attempt to politicize the Justice Department.

Proposed titles for Mr. Gonzales' book include: "Authorized Waterboarding Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry", " It's Only Illegal If I Say So", "I Wanted to Attend Liberty University School of Law. Harvard Was My Safety School" or "If You Think Waterboarding is Torture, Read My Book".

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But if you think Alberto Gonzales' book is funny...

A New Jersey man is accusing a ShopRite supermarket in Greenwich Township of discrimination because the store refused to print a birthday cake with the man's son's name in the icing. The name...Adolph Hitler Campbell. Mr. Heath Campbell of Holland Township has two other children, both girls, named Joycelynn Ayran Nation Campbell, age 2 and (it gets better) Honszlynn Himler Jeannie Campbell, one year old. It's real Americans like Mr. Campbell that make you want to reconsider some of those forced sterilization ideas that were all the rage in Berlin in the 30's. No one asked Mr. Campbell if he'd like to carry a loaded weapon in the park. What's your guess?

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Russian President Dmitry Medvedev signed a law this week extending the term of Russian President from four to six years. WOW! Couldn't see that coming! Rumor has it that the first law enacted by the Russian Parliament in 2009 will permit a Russian President to serve for life, but only if his initials are Vladimir Putin.

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And another organization always ready to provide a chuckle, the Catholic Church made the news in the person of Chilean Cardinal Jorge Medina. Cardinal Medina took issue with Madonna (that would be Alex Rodriguez' Madonna, not the one in all those paintings). The good Cardinal called Madonna's concert "an offense to God" and "incredibly shameful behavior". Gee! And you thought the critics at Rolling Stone were tough?
Interestingly enough, Cardinal Medina made his pronouncement during a Mass for the late dictator Augusto Pinochet who died in 2006. You may remember Pinochet as the brutal dictator responsible for the murder and torture of tens of thousands of Chilean citizens that disagreed with his style of government. Apparently Cardinal Medina, in the spirit of forgive and forget, did not find General Pinochet's actions in 1973 "incredibly shameful behavior". There's just no accounting for taste.

...or is kicking a man when he's down really the only time to do it?

Thoughts at the close of 2008 Volume I:

We would all be delighted to allow George W. Bush to slink off the stage and forever be consigned to the obscurity he so richly deserves. Think Nixon at the helicopter door. Unfortunately, a few remaining Bush apologists who still have access to the media (and who don't have tell-all books headed for publication) are determined to keep Curious George in the papers, if not in the headlines.

Most vocal thus far is Condoleezza Rice. Having been one of the architects of the Bush Doctrine (Don't feel bad, Sarah. I didn't know it had a name either.) Secretary Rice can be forgiven for applying a little grease paint to her foreign policy porker. In several interviews granted last week, she expresses no remorse for the senseless deaths in Iraq. She is confident that history will vindicate both her and her boss. Patriotism may be the last refuge of scoundrels but history is surely the last refuge of bone-headed policy-makers. Secretary Rice has also postulated that, thanks to the efforts of GWB, the Middle East is in much better shape than eight years ago. I suspect the cheering crowds in Jerusalem and Amman are being drowned out by the falling bombs and rockets in Gaza.

The entire eight years of Bush foreign policy can be written in one word: Iraq. History may ultimately see the invasion of a sovereign nation as a bold stroke with glorious results. Sadly, the 4,219 Americans and 50,000 Iraqis killed since 2003 won't be around to read about it.

But Condi is not alone in her praise for the outgoing CIC. Not content to pack up the trailer and return to Texas, Laura Bush has decided to break eight years of silence in defense of her much-maligned hubby. Naturally, the venue of choice was Fox News. Mrs. Bush arrived with the usual wagon-load of excuses as to why her husband is held in the same high regard as O.J. Simpson and Rod Blagojevich. She blames, who else? The media.

It was the news coverage of Katrina that made Clueless George look a buffoon, not the complete ineptitude of FEMA. After all only 1,800 people died in the storm and it's aftermath, not the 10,000 originally reported. It was those liberal reporters and photographers that kept showing all that human suffering rather than focusing on John McCain's birthday party...like the Commander in Chief did. Laura, sweetheart, stop talking! We liked you much better when we thought you were a cardboard cutout.

And last and least is Karl "with enough money and dirty tricks I could get a pound of headcheese elected president...and did" Rove. Thanks to his weekly gig in The Wall Street Journal, Rove continues to justify and excuse the bag of hammers that became Bush 43.

This week Karl was busy praising GWB as an avid reader. According to Rove, George polished off 95 books in 2006 alone. The President's reading list runs mostly to biographies and history. Tragically, a few titles missing from the list include, "Waging War For Dummies", "Chicken Soup For the Families of 4,219 Fallen Americans", and "Everything I Needed To Know To Be President I Learned From Don Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney". I wonder if the list from 2001 included "The Pet Goat".

Rove is the worst kind of apologist. As a modern day Rasputin he stood in the shadows, always careful not to soil his hands. It's unlikely that any subpoena will ever bear his name. Colin Powell will be remembered as the Secretary of State who lied before the entire United Nations. Rumsfeld will be forever blamed for the conduct of the Iraq War. However, none of the Bush failures, and they are legion, will land at the feet of Karl Rove. We can only hope that, without a power base as a threat, Rove's band of trolls will turn on him. There are plenty of publishers out there just itching to print the dirt. The book will be called "If He Did It, The Sequel".

...or does Santa require a warrent to discover who's naughty or nice?

Yes, yes I know it's been a while since the ethernet has crackled with the insights of isitjustme but, after all, if you can't be funnier than the truth, you need to shut up. How is a poor, second rate observer supposed to compete with the details oozing from Springfield, Illinois? This is the first reality TV show that's got any entertainment value. "Survivor, Springfield" "Complete Combover, Home Edition" "Are You Smarter Than the Governor of Illinois?" Were it not for the potential damage to the reputation of the saintly Barak Obama, this farce could go straight to Broadway.



All the characters are present. We have the Governor, Rod Blagojevich; boyish, feisty, and so thoroughly corrupt even Louisiana is holding it's nose. This guy was trolling eBay to make a bid on Rep. William Jefferson's ice box. You would think that, as the replacement for George Ryan (current residence, Federal Correctional Facility, Terre Haute, IN) Governor Rod would be a little more cautious about his conversations. The good news for the feds is that they didn't have to re-bug the Governors Mansion. The devices were already in place.



Few Americans were shocked at the news that another politician was discovered trying to cash in on his office. What was shocking was the string of four-letter words that Blagojevich used to punctuate his corruption. I mean, really. It was bad enough when Bill Clinton made blow jobs dining room conversation but we now have children asking their parents "What does it mean when something is f**king golden?" We have clearly reached a new low in government when the biggest news story of the day is rated NC-17.



Our cast also includes the Midwest's own Lady Macbeth, Patty Blagojevich. Her evil influence is everywhere, including the pages of the 76-page federal criminal complaint. Among her contributions was the suggestion that she would be qualified to fill the Obama senate seat due to her experience in real estate. That experience included a $700,000 payday courtesy of the now famous Tony Rezko. (Rezko currently resides at the Chicago Metropolitan Correctional Center.) Mrs. Blagojevich has the charm of the Wicked Witch of the West without the good looks. She can be heard quite clearly on the wiretaps, kibitzing about how to squeeze the privates of reluctant co-conspirators.



Rounding out the cast of villains is the Defense Attorney, Ed Gensen. Cursed with a client whose sympathy quotient approximates Dick Cheney, Mr. Gensen will attempt to create more smoke than a California wild fire. He contends that the wire taps are illegal, the case has no foundation and, that just talking about selling senate seats as though they were Bears' tickets isn't against the law. Gensen's problem will be to determine whether to fight the impeachment process boiling in the Illinois legislature or, attack the criminal prosecution. Considering the impressive success of the prosecutor, Patrick Fitzgerald, Mr. Gensen's best course of action would be to take a plea in return for a cell with a view of a corn field.



Face it. Illinois politics is the best.