...or are the Republicans reinforcing the axiom that never does a man stand so tall as when he stoops to kick a friend?

Dateline Hawaii...



"We're working out here." So spake the chairman of the Republican party, Michael "the Oreo Cookie" Steele sounding a bit like Ratzo Rizzo of Midnight Cowboy fame. Steele and his GOP brothers (although there was hardly another brother in sight) were meeting in Hawaii last week to craft...well, whatever political parties craft between the luau's and cocktail parties. Hey,no one begrudges the GOP a little celebration. After all they swept the country last week. Well, Massachusetts anyway. Besides it's January and all those Red State hotels in Nebraska and Kansas were probably booked. Note: John Boehner of Ohio did not attend. His skin color frightens most Hawaiians.


The Republicans have recently discovered what the Democrats have been dealing with all summer...the misery of victory. Having scored a noteworthy success in New England, the GOP is trying to leverage this achievement into a national tsunami in November. Unfortunately, because they have no idea how Scott Brown won in Massachusetts, they can't use him as a model for success in the other 49 states. Brown ran as a moderate so the brain-trust in the Republican party has determined that far Right is the way to go. They have proposed a ten point litmus test to determine if a candidate is pure enough to run as a Republican and worthy of financial assistance. Brilliant! The test has ten points but in truth only one is needed. "We oppose anything and everything proposed, suggested, or contemplated by President Barack Obama."

Cap and Trade; we oppose it. Any form of healthcare reform; opposed. Any rational gun restriction; no way. Abortion assistance; you must be kidding. The Republicans are banking on the fact that they don't need a single legislative initiative or idea to improve life in America. Wait! They were in favor of troop increases in Iraq and Afghanistan. And you thought it was all negative.

Apparently the Republicans are convinced that the Tea Party agenda is their key to Congressional numerical superiority in 2010. The problem with this concept is the Tea Party folks (whoever they are) don't feel the need to cozy up to the GOP. One of the TP's main sponsors for their convention this week bailed out over concerns that the movement was being hijacked by the Republicans. Also, Tea-baggers have not shown an ability to get anyone elected to anything. No one believes that a loose association of old white people carrying signs passed out by Fox News, constitutes a movement. Well, maybe Glenn Beck believes it but, he also believes that the friezes on the wall of Rockefeller Center are a communist plot.

Anyway it's useful to know that the 10 point "Real Republican" litmus test, which glorifies the sainted legacy of Ronald Wilson Reagan, could not have been blessed by ... Ronald Wilson Reagan.
Reagan had no policy on gay marriage. He had no policy on pollution hence no notion of Cap and Trade. Reagan never expressed an opinion on immigration or gun rights. Come to think of it, this guy had no opinion on anything! So good luck with that litmus test. I'm guessing most candidates will treat it the way women treat a home pregnancy test.

...or is John McCain a lone voice in the Arizona desert?

President Obama (may his tee shot never find the rough) delivered his first State of the Union speech last night. Among the proposals offered by the President was a re-commitment to abolish the absurd "don't ask, don't tell"rule from the military. It was later noted by whatever pundit occupied my TV at the time that this policy was opposed by John McCain. This begs the question: What are we to make of the conundrum that is John McCain? As a Catholic, I am naturally opposed to conundrums (rim shot!) but McCain is a special case. Just when you think you have him figured out, he says or does something to make you question your conclusion.

McCain is not a fence-straddler (except on the subject of Sweet Sarah Palin) or an equivocator (except on the subject of SSP). When you ask a question, you always get an answer...except (see above). It should be noted that the right-wing ideologue who ran for President with SSP in 2008 bore no resemblance to the current senior Senator from Arizona. Only the names are the same. You have to love a politician who takes a position on almost everything. For the most part his reasoning is logical, rational and well-reasoned. That sort of intelligence in a politician might get you knighted, canonized or at least earn you a wing at the Smithsonian with all of the other extinct creatures. In McCain's case it has earned him a primary challenge from a teabagger named J.D. Hayworth.


If you're running against fruit-loops like the Baggers, logic and intelligence will get you killed. McCain will have to explain why he forged an alliance with legislators of both parties in 2005 to break the logjam in Congress that was preventing the approval of federal appointees. He will have to justify his dalliance with Democrat Russ Feingold and Sometime Democrat Joe Lieberman to craft needed legislation on campaign finance reform (McCain-Feingold) and climate change (Climate Stewardship Act). McCain will be forced to defend his possible position as vice president on the 2004 Kerry ticket (never offered; never sought) and his preference for Joe Lieberman as a running mate in 2008.


Most recently, McCain committed the cardinal sin of meeting with Democrat Evan Bayh (in public, no less) to attempt improvements to President Obama's federal spending freeze. What kind of Conservative Republican seeks compromise over ideology; governance over rhetoric; reason over sound-bites? The kind that gets clobbered by talk show windbags.


For however sick to death we are of the term (thank you SSP), McCain is an actual maverick. He refuses to participate in the stupid, obnoxious pandering that has infected Republican politics since the election of Barack Obama. McCain believes that questioning Obama's citizenship is infantile. He forbade his presidential campaign committee from attacking Obama over the Jeremiah Wright issue. He was a frequent critic of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on the conduct of the Iraq War. He opposes water-boarding and all other forms of "enhanced interrogation". McCain is certainly no Liberal. He is a small government warhawk who believes that earmarks are the root of all evil. Unfortunately, he is a true independent in an age of orthodoxy. Teabaggers don't want thinkers. They want screamers. They don't want legislators. They want true-believers. McCain's brand of Conservatism is as out-of-fashion as a mullet.


McCain could still win in Arizona. He still has a great personal story and the guy who is opposing him has more baggage (tea and otherwise) than Samsonite. Still it's a bit sad to watch a man who has given his life and his family to public service, reduced to explaining how give and take works in the legislative process. In Republican politics today that's like explaining sunrise to blind people.

...or are ACORNs not the only nuts out there?

Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein can go to their graves knowing that their legacy as investigative reporters is in no danger from James O'Keefe. It seems that, in his pursuit of corruption and evil in the Democratic party O'Keefe forgot the first rule of journalism: you are not the story. (Actually this is the second rule. The first rule is: don't get caught.)

You may remember Mr. O'Keefe as the truth seeker who, with the help of his own batgirl, Hannah Giles, attempted to "expose" ACORN for the liberal cheats they are. Disguised as a pimp and his ho (in hindsight, not much of a stretch) O'Keefe appeared at an ACORN office and, with a lot of prodding, got some advice on how to appear legit enough to get a mortgage. (ACORN has a contract with the Feds to facilitate low income mortgages.) The interview was taped and, with the help of the right-wing media and blogosphere, was plastered all over the internet as proof of ACORN's perfidy. Mr. O'Keefe became such a hit with Conservatives that one dingbat Congressman, Pete Olsen of Texas, (big surprise) wanted Congress to honor O'Keefe's achievement. How's that working out for you, Congressman?

Shift to Monday, Jan 25. O'Keefe and his crime fighting buddies were arrested in New Orleans while attempting to bug the offices of Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu. Having been scrupulously trained by watching multiple episodes of Mission Impossible, these geniuses disguised themselves as phone men (page 116 of the Fletch handbook) and requested access to the main phone cabinet. The receptionists, who must have seen the same TV shows, called the FBI and well, our boys are now leaving Mission Impossible and headed for Judge Judy.

While this hardly rises to the level of Watergate, it will be exciting to discover whether this right-wing Ethan Hunt was operating alone or with the help of a Teabag A Team. Four super sleuths were arrested in the operation. No one was carrying a MENSA membership card or answered to the name Mr. T. A ten year prison sentence, while unlikely, might be enough to loosen some tongues. Perhaps a little enhanced interrogation. Conservatives are convinced of the effectiveness so let's give it a try.

The soup gets even spicier with the added ingredient of Robert Flanagan. Mr. Flanagan was arrested with O'Keefe and turns out to be the son of William J. Flanagan, U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Louisiana. While hardly a hotbed of constitutional law, even Louisiana draws the line at wiretapping. After all, it's not like the information would help the Saints in two weeks.

...or is clueless the new black?

"The surge worked" ...unless you own a hotel in Baghdad. Sunni insurgents, unhappy with the Shite-led government, carried out a series of suicide bombing at several high-end hotels on Monday. Sunnis, Shites, al Qaeda, Taliban; America is sick of the whole mess. We need to get our people out of Iraq and Afghanistan now, as in right now. Those countries are as stable as an invading force can make them. News stories about bombing in Iraq need to return to page 10, the same page that carries reports of coups in Somalia, Sri Lanka and Macy's underwear ads.


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But on a happier note... Ilich Ramirez Sanchez aka "Carlos the Jackal" is back in the news. Carlos hasn't let a little thing like multiple life sentences in a French prison keep him from protecting his good name. Through his lawyer/wife Isabelle Coutant-Peyre, Mr. Jackal has filed suit in French court demanding editorial approval of a documentary chronicling his exploits. After all, a man who killed and kidnapped his way across Europe for twenty-five plus years can't afford a blot on his escutcheon.

Ramirez did most of his best work for the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine or PFLP as opposed to the PLF or Palestine Liberation Front. (It was anacronamic distinctions like this that kept the Palestinians throwing rocks at Israeli tanks for 20 years.) His current retirement in La Sante Prison in Paris for the murder of two French agents hasn't kept The Jackal out of the news. He published an autobiography in 2004 (sales were hampered by his inability to appear on Oprah) and last year sent a letter to President Obama presumably requesting a copy of The Audacity of Hope with a hacksaw inside.

We wish Mr. Jackal nothing but success with his lawsuit. After all, if you're not careful the former administration might accuse you of having Osama on your Facebook friend list.


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Our friends the French are once again attempting to deal with the issue of face-covering veils worn by Muslim women. In 2004, a law was enacted prohibiting women from wearing head scarves in schools. As with most rulings involving Muslim sensitivity, street demonstrations were immediately organized. The new definition of nano-second is the time between a Muslim community's indignation and the local domestic unrest. Now the government is trying to ban the veils in public areas such as hospitals and public transportation. President Sarkozy is quoted as calling the veils "unwelcome on French Territory".

Setting aside the desirability of covering some French people Muslim or not, the government is approaching this from the wrong angle. Veils should be banned, not for religious reasons but because they present a safety hazard. Imagine driving a car with a full-face veil over your head. (This might actually improve the driving of some Asian nationals. Just kidding!) If you thought French drivers were scary before, try them with a tarp covering their eyes. Yeah, I know, Muslim women aren't allowed to drive. Well, if you were wearing a 500 thread-count bed sheet on your head I wouldn't let you drive either. Besides, how are you supposed to update your Facebook page while walking down the Rue de Merde if you have an oversized beach towel on your dome? Speaking of Facebook, Muslim women on Facebook must consist of two million friends named Basheera and Jameela with no photos, no school listing and no personal information.

So good luck to the French. If they can't get the veils banned, at least they might get Muslim women to cut eye holes or install visors. If nothing else they wouldn't look so much like Cousin It.

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With the crime rate down and the World Series parade a distant memory, the City of New York and its mayor have returned to their favorite pastime...banning stuff. First it was smoking, then cellphones while driving, then texting while driving a bus, then transfats. Now Mayor Bloomberg has taken aim at the popcorn industry's favorite condiment...salt. In an effort to lower the blood pressure of its citizens, the Mayor has raised the blood pressure of fast food purveyors and manufacturers from Canarsie to Riverdale.


The Mayor wants to reduce the salt content of foods in New York by 50% in ten years. Without transfats and salt, the bill of faire at McDonald's and Taco Bell would be indistinguishable from the cardboard containers that envelope the entre. Apparently throwing salt onto icy roads doesn't offend Mayor Bloomberg's sensitivities. Just don't throw it on your fries. Bloomberg is rewriting the old song lyric. I may be able to make it anywhere but without fat and salt, I can't make it in New York, New York.

Nannyism is everywhere but in New York it's an art form. One should soon expect the demise of such guilty pleasures as comic books (they make you stupid) and pizza (that grease running off the back gets on your clothes and inflates your cleaning bills). Next will be neckties (no practical benefit and, if they get caught in a moving set of rollers, good night nurse.) Other municipalities are legalizing medical marijuana (bless 'em) while the Apple is deciding if apples have too much sugar. How about The Big Brussels Sprout or The Big Celery Stalk? No salt on that celery, please!

...or should we all learn the words to the Herman Hermits song, "Senator Brown you have two lovely daughters"?

How about them Bay Staters?

Politics is a strange animal. One minute you're cannon fodder, running in a hopeless election; the next minute you're answering to "Pardon me Senator, but..." Anyone in the Republican party who says they saw this coming is full of it. If the GOP had the slightest hope of winning in Massachusetts they would never have run a guy with nude magazine photos in his portfolio. Even Scott Brown probably didn't think he could win.

Ah, but in the ever-changing world of electoral politics there will always be constants:

No constituency likes being told who they must vote for.

Local and statewide elections are not national referendums. They are local contests.

Nothing is a sure thing.


If you're a political geek, you care about the "why" more than the "who" of the Massachusetts Miracle. Scott Brown ran a near-perfect campaign. His message would have been well received in California, Kansas or Pennsylvania. He convinced the Independent voters of Massachusetts that the country is moving too fast in a scary direction and that he could slow it down. Healthcare was a part, but not all of the debate. Brown avoided polarizing, third-rail issues. He affirmed a woman's right to chose and the rights of gays to marry in his state (by calling these issues "settled law" Brown avoids having to take a stand). He was skillful and he has Kennedy good looks (always a plus in Massachusetts). Aside from the negativity, Brown was brilliant. Mr. Brown is opposed to everything. No one in the GOP seems to be in favor of anything. No alternate ideas. No new proposals. Cap and Trade; bad. Alternatives; none. Obama healthcare; bad. Better ideas; none. Stim; bad. Better idea; no new taxes. How is that a better idea?

Brown had one more advantage... he was incredibly lucky. Make no mistake, luck is a better weapon than nude photos of your opponent.

Senator Brown was lucky in two ways. First he got to run against the dumbest, most inept candidate since Michael Dukakis. The Democratic cardboard candidate, Martha Coakley won a primary in December, thanked everyone for making her the heiress to the Kennedy legacy and went home to await her coronation in January. By the time she realized that she was about to get thumped it was too late. Barack Obama couldn't save her. Victoria Kennedy couldn't save her. Hell, the ghosts of all four Kennedy brothers couldn't resurrect her. Ms. Coakley is now presumably having a beer with Fred Thompson and Rudy Giuliani at the "What Happened" saloon.

Mr. Brown's second and greatest piece of luck was that he gained popularity so quickly and so close to the election that the Idiot Wing of the Republican Party couldn't get mobilized fast enough to sink his chances. Sarah Palin, who could have been counted on to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory couldn't find Massachusetts on a map. Michael Steele, Chairman of the GOP, wasn't about to detour his celebrity book tour into such hostile territory. Beck, Limbaugh, Hannity, Savage and the rest of the Tea Bag crowd probably saw Brown as insufficiently pure to merit their blessing. Naturally, that hasn't stopped all of them from taking credit for Brown's victory in the name of Anti-Omaba-ites everywhere.

As always, the President of the United States showed himself to be a stand-up guy and a class act. He went to Massachusetts last Sunday knowing that he was burning political capital in a lost cause. Bay Staters might like the President personally but they weren't about to let him sell them this tone-deaf tootsie. When it was all over, the President told Massachusetts that no decision on healthcare would be made until their new senator was seated. Not exactly the Karl Rove playbook.

Thankfully, the elections in New Jersey, Virginia and Massachusetts happened before November 2010. With any luck, Democrats have learned that nothing is for sure. Congressmen and Senators will actually have to make their case to the voters. If healthcare is worth having, it's worth fighting for. This one may actually have to be decided on the issues. Sarah Palin need not apply.

...or are we all resisting the temptation to pray that a building collapses on Rush Limbaugh?

Can there really be a lower form of creature than one who would try to discredit the charity and generosity of an entire country? Is "pond scum" too charitable a term for someone who uses a devastating human tragedy as a pretext to criticize a political leader of whom he disapproves? Must we tolerate a man who clearly has never missed a meal when he attempts to deprive others? Actually, yes, we do. This is America, a country that leads the world in irony. The same system of laws that grants trials to would-be terrorists and demands civil rights for contemptible mass murderers, is the system that allows self-important demigods with a microphone and good Neilson numbers to contaminate our public discourse.


Don't blame Rush Limbaugh. He is merely one of the freaks in the side show; no different from the three-headed dog or the bearded lady. It may be entertaining in a car wreck sort of way but everyone knows it's a fraud. We derive no satisfaction from exposing a bad ventriloquist. Pointing out that professional wrestling is rigged doesn't diminish its entertainment value or commercial success. We retain an empathy for the fool.


We should however, blame the Conservatives and Tea Baggers; people who take great pride in purporting to represent "American Values". These are the people who fancy themselves Real Americans: Average Joes, Anti-intellectual, Anti-elitist, God-fearing, Salt of the Earth, Lunch-pail Heartlanders. People with a endless capacity for compassion. They think of themselves as good neighbors. These are the kind of Americans who say, "I might be opposed to gay marriage but would never refuse charity to a fellow citizen because he's gay". They might disagree with your politics but they will stand beside you in the face of a common enemy. However, these are the people who have remained noticeably silent while one of their most vocal cheerleaders exhorts them to withhold contribution to national charities.


Where is the outrage from Sarah Palin, guest of honor (for a speaking fee of $120,000) at the National Tea Bagger Convention? On the subject of Rush Limbaugh her tweets are silent. How about Glenn Beck? As the man most enriched by the Tea Bag movement, you might expect a small show of compassion for the tens of thousands suffering in Haiti. Surely, just this once, you can closet your inane attacks on Barack Obama and encourage your audience to contribute to the relief effort. Don't hold your breath! Beck has opined that President Obama is dividing the nation by responding quickly to the plight of Haitian citizens. (Haitians who have been without water for seven days might take issue with the term "quick response".) Conservatives have concocted a conspiracy theory around the Presidents response to the tragedy in Haiti and the response to the Christmas Day bombing attempt. Believers are to understand that Obama was quick to react because, after all, "blacks stick together". A slower rescue effort would be anticipated if the earthquake struck Finland.

Sean Hanniy has attempted to marginalize the entire story, instead focusing on the upcoming Massachusetts senate race where, surprise, surprise, the Democrats are in trouble. No one, and I mean no one on the Conservative Right has called a press conference to decry the vile, cynical remarks of Rush Limbaugh.
To his credit, John McCain has labeled Limbaugh's remarks "unhelpful" .


There are two reasons for all this silence. The first is obvious to anyone with eyes. The Tea Bag Movement in America is the most racist organization since the Klu Klux Klan. This mini-army of old white people is threatened by an African American President. It's not about healthcare (which will benefit most of them) or the national deficit (which none of them understands) or even jobs (which most of them have or are retired from). It's about a smiling, well-educated, confident, successful black man running their beloved America. They hate it. Stirred to action by would-be populists like Glenn Beck, these small-minded haters will rally behind any cause, real or imagined, (think: healthcare for illegals or, the President isn't an American citizen) and take to the streets. The only real threat posed by these bigots is, armed with the televised power of Fox News, their movement can appear bigger and more politically powerful than it is. That's a problem.


The other reason for silence on the Right is Rush Limbaugh has a bully pulpit. With a devoted audience of 20 million (scary, eh!), Mr. Limbaugh ensures that no Republican will call him to task, regardless of how outrageous his proclamations. Michael Steele, America's premier Oreo cookie, took a shot and found himself apologizing the next day. Limbaugh gives the impression that he controls Middle America and if you want to get elected. you had better conform.

This is the cruelest joke of all. Limbaugh has exactly zero practical effect on the electoral landscape. In the now forgotten contest to elect a Congressman for New York's 23rd district, Rush's support of the Conservative Doug Hoffman ensured the election of the Democrat, Bill Owens. During the Presidential election of 2008 Rush initially threw his considerable bulk behind Fred Thompson. That campaign lasted about as long as an episode of Law and Order. Unruffled by failure, Limbaugh's next candidate was Mitt Romney. During the later Republican primaries, Limbaugh eviscerated McCain in praise of Romney. How'd that work out? We know how Limbaugh felt about Barack Obama and we know the effect those daily attacks had on the outcome in Nov., 2008.

Limbaugh is a racist and he revels in it. Remember his assertion that Donovan McNabb, quarterback for the Eagles, was coddled because he's black. Or that Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court because he's a racist. And who could forget "Barack the Magic Negro"? Curiously, although millions of Americans absorb a three hour daily dose of Limbaugh bile, few seem willing to drag his dreck to the voting booth. Perhaps those 20 million listeners can discern serious political discourse from buffoonery. Maybe, like pro wrestling, most fans get the joke. You don't have to wear big floppy shoes and a ball on your nose to be identified as a clown. Who would take political guidance from Bozo?

Nevertheless, shame on those who fail to call political commentators to task when they cross the line. Those calling for the head of Muslim clerics who incite violence are slow to apply the same standards to hate mongers in our own country. Republicans, take heart. After all, why would anyone want to be elected to anything by people who follow Rush Limbaugh?...except maybe Sarah Palin.

...or is the catchphrase "I don't want to dwell on the past" an acceptable criminal defense?

The news has been replete lately with public figures who just want to move on. First we had the inflatable Mark McGuire who, unlike his recent self flagellation, told Congress in 2005 "I'm not here to talk about the past". Wise choice in that McGuire's past included a cornucopia of performance-enhancing drugs. Considering McGuire's recent performance for Bob Costas (Mark has obviously traded steroids for botox and #10 pancake) he might have been better off to stay in the medicine closet. His assertion that the drugs he ingested, injected and ran through barefoot had no effect on his home run production sounded as ridiculous as suggesting that air pressure has no discernible effect on the bounce capability of a basketball.

McGuire apparently intended, with his non-testimony before Congress, that he would blithely move on to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Clearly Mr. McGuire's ego was as inflated as his biceps and his hat size. The baseball writers who guard the Hall in Cooperstown with their votes take a dim view of players who owe their statistic excellence to Johnson & Johnson and Merck rather than to Spalding or Hillerich and Bradsby. Mark McGuire's best chance for admission to the Hall of Fame will be if they create a Steroids/HGH wing. Guests will include Sammy(my English fails me under oath) Sosa and Bobby ('roids made me strong as a horse but also made me a horse's ass) Bonds. Naturally the wing will have an inflatable roof.

Our second guest in the "let's not dwell on the past" spotlight is John McCain. The former Republican Presidential Candidate was interviewed this week regarding revelations in the new book "Game Changer". According to sources in the book, McCain knew more about the valet at the Phoenician Hotel than he did about the Kewpie doll he nominated for Vice President. When asked about the appalling lack of vetting regarding Sister Sarah, McCain smiled that "edge of Alzheimer's" smile he has perfected and told Matt Lauer "I'm not going to comment on things that happened over a year ago." There's a 50/50 chance that he won't comment because he can't remember. If you proposed a woman for national office who thinks Morocco is a musical instrument or that Einstein is famous for his bagel recipe, you'd want to forget all about it, too. Unfortunately, the vapid, empty-headed, former Miss Wasilla didn't disappear back into the tundra after the votes were counted. Like that pizza you ate too late at night Ms. Palin has regurgitated all over the American landscape.

Interestingly, McCain doesn't mind living in the past when the past includes his impressive war record or his time as U.S. Senator. His selective amnesia (from August to November, 2008) is no doubt triggered by the grim reminder that Sarah Palin was not Joe Lieberman in drag. She's more like Glen Beck in glasses. If I'd turned Sarah Palin loose on this unsuspecting world, I'd change the subject also.

Anyway, the moral of the story is if you have done something heinous or just stupid and you are called to task, merely indicate that you don't want to dwell on the past. This defense might have served several characters in history quite well. Imagine if George Armstrong Custer had lived to stand trial for incompetence. As he was picking arrows out of his epaulets he might have stood fully erect and proclaimed "Yes I did recklessly lead 208 men to their death along the Little Big Horn River in 1876 but I prefer not to dwell on the sins of the past..." This might even work for Karl Rove, if only we could forget him.

...or should all athletes who want to carry guns be sent to Haiti to prevent looting?

Here in the Nation's Capital we have what must be considered the dreadful collection of sports franchises in America. Aside from the hockey Capitals, Washington teams have finished, or are currently sitting, dead last. The Redskins (still sporting the most despicable and racist name in all sports) have recently finished a pitiful 4-12 and lost every game in their division. They have subsequently fired everybody down to the guy who sells foam fingers. There is some cause for modest hope for the Nationals baseball team but, in that Washington has a long standing tradition of making Thunderbirds into Pintos, don't hold your breath.

Then there's basketball. For 45 years the Washington Wizards were owned by the very smart, very decent Abe Pollin. Pollin, who won his only league championship in 1978, actually changed the name of his team from Bullets to Wizards. He said that Bullets carried a negative connotation in a city with a soaring murder rate. (Washington leads the league in irony.) Pollin died in November, 2009 and many will say it was a blessing. At least he didn't have to watch the stupidity playing out in the locker room and the criminal courts.

Everyone knows by now that Wizards star shooting guard (I told you about that irony) Gilbert Arenas, has been arrested and charged with felony gun possession in connection with a locker room dispute involving fellow baller Jarvis Crittenton. Arenas has been suspended indefinitely by Commissioner David Stern. Stern spends most of his waking hours doing the labor of Sisyphus. His chore is to keep 450 overpaid, pampered basketball players off the front pages and out of jail. Lots of luck, Dave.

There is nothing particularly new about athletes in legal trouble (Commentator Tony Kornheiser calls these stories "Jocks in the Stocks"). The aspect of this particular event that causes head-shaking is Arenas' assertion that when the story first broke, the Wizards organization turned their back on him. No kidding! This would be the same Wizards organization that signed a $111 million contract with "Agent Zero" in 2008. Since then Arenas has played in 34 games out of 164 due to injury. Through two dreadful seasons with Arenas on the bench the Wizards remained patient and considerate. Now that he's finally laced up his Gil Zero sneeks the team still sucks. Where's the love for poor Gil? Where's the loyalty for a player who's given so much? If I were current team owner Ted Leonsis I'd drive the paddy wagon to the poky myself. Then I'd drive to my lawyer's office and have Arenas' contract voided for moral turpitude and felony stupidity.


Frankly, is anyone surprised to hear these stories? Professional basketball recruits teenagers from humble or at best modest origins. Boys who have never held a real job or balanced a checkbook are given millions of dollars, provided with role-models like Alan Iverson and Charles Barkley and turned loose in America's biggest cities all winter.
Seriously, I love Sir Charles but he really should be kept away from children and small pets.

The wonder is that more basketball players don't end up in prison or in hospitals.
We cannot and should not deprive young talented athletes of the opportunity to make big money in sports. That's the American dream. If, however, you insist upon acting the fool and endangering others with a gun or a car or your fists, your punishment may be as outsized as your income. We don't ask much. Play your sport. Fiddle with your X-Box and your ipod. Give inane interviews and try to be a role model to America's street urchins...instead of the other way around.

...or were you surprised to learn that Mrs. Robinson was alive and living in Ireland?

As long as the Irish aren't killing each other, or members of the British military, Americans normally don't follow the sturm and drang of politics in Dublin or Belfast. However nothing gets our hearts racing and our toes tapping like the scent of a good scandal and there's a dilly unfolding in the Old Sod.


Since Our Man Clinton helped broker the Good Friday Accords in April 1998, the Protestant DUP (Democratic Unionist Party) and the Catholic Sinn Fein have been haltingly marching toward maintaining a government that will insure everyone's rights and keep the IRA off the barricades. It's rare to encounter a story about the government in Belfast without seeing the word "fragile". Both sides have compromised and, although the process is contentious, the peace has held.


The next phase is for the police and justice departments in the North to be transferred from London to Belfast. In that the police in Northern Ireland have been viewed by the Catholics as the oppressive arm of the Protestant majority, this is a big deal. Naturally, the Protestants are dragging their feet at the prospect of losing exclusive control of the only armed force in the country. Tempers are running high and resignations are being threatened.


Proving once again that politics and farce are first cousins, the leader of the DUP, Peter Robinson, has been forced to "stand aside" temporally amid a delightful scandal involving his wife Iris and her teenage lover. Mrs.Robinson (the British press is having a field day with the name) was also a member of the DUP and was expelled last week. The issue isn't the impropriety of shtupping a teenager (Mrs. Robinson is 60), but because Mrs. R used a loan to set the young man, Kirk McCampley, up in the cafe business. Apparently the Irish don't care who you sleep with as long as you don't declare the hotel cost as a business expense.


The story is instructive only in that it begs comparison with the recent transgressions among American politicians. In Ireland, any sexual scandal in the family, even if it wasn't the officeholder directly is grounds for resignation. In America, you can boink: 1) Argentine news women, 2) your chief of staff's wife, 3) every hooker in Louisiana or even, 4) the guy in the next stall and blithely show up for work the next day. You can run as the "family values" candidate even if you're single-handedly trying to start multiple families. My Irish is a little rusty so I don't know the words for hypocrite, shame-faced or fraud but I'm guessing they don't have English equivalents.


But I digress. The issue is the tryst in Belfast. No indication has emerged as to the future of the Robinson marriage. (Fortunately, the Prods take a more liberal view of divorce than do the Papists.) Mrs. Robinson has yet to explain why she abandoned the traditional pen and pencil set as a high school graduation present in favor of a south Belfast cafe. Perhaps "it's a little secret. Just the Robinson's affair. Most of all you've got to hide it from the ..press". Cou cou ca cho!

...or will Sarah Palin have a better view of Russia from a seat at Fox News?

Good for Sarah. Having graduated from Twitter and Facebook (although it is an incremental step) our girl Sarah has signed a contract to occasionally, when she's in the mood, when the book tour is over, appear sporadically on some show on Fox News. I know I've marked my calendar. This is a good thing. Not only will we be able to keep an eye on her for the next three years but, now America will have someone to obsess over once Rod Blogojevich goes to prison. The Right can remind themselves why they fell in love with her in the first place and the Left can tear their hair out wondering why anyone would pay attention to a national politician who thinks that Cameroon is a type of coconut cookie.

We wish Sister Sarah all the success in the world. Unless and until Fox hires Katie Couric, it should be smooth sailing.

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On the "Who Gives A S**t" scale for today, the top spot goes to the heartbreaking news that Simon Cowel will be leaving American Idol after this season. Honestly, why would anyone with an IQ in double digits possibly care where this irritating man spends the next 50 years? When one considers the success of shows like American Idol and The Weakest Link the only conclusion is Americans get some perverse pleasure from being abused by almost anyone with a British accent. It's apparently entertaining to tell someone they're a no talent clod as long as you sound like the GEICO gecko. Has anyone asked Simon Cowel to sing? or act? or do anything that doesn't involve tee shirts two sizes too small?

Cowel is said to be contemplating a new show on Fox for 2011. Security is tight but rumor has it that the show will involve Sarah Palin debating a bag of doorknobs. Moderated by Cowel and Mike Huckabee, the majority of the show will be devoted to correcting Ms. Palin's pronunciation of nuclear. The fallback option is "The Real Housewives of Wasilla".


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Because the theme for today appears to be Fox News, we would be remiss not to mentioni the recent comment of retired news anchor Brit Hume. Mr. Hume was participating in a free-for-all editorial discussion, which is to be distinguished from news broadcasts in that no actual facts are permitted. When asked about the current predicament of America's favorite golfer, Mr. Hume donned his clerical collar and allowed that Tiger Woods should embrace the Christian faith. Brit explained that Woods, a nominal Buddhist, would never receive the forgiveness and redemption he needs unless he steps into the Light.

Normally, we would mercilessly eviscerate Mr. Hume for presuming to tell someone that their religion didn't measure up and that Christianity was the only path to salvation. However, in this case we are giving Brit a pass. Mr. Hume lost a son to suicide in 1998 and, according to his later commentary, it was his faith in Christ that got him through his grief. Because I have no frame of reference here, Mr. Hume gets a mulligan.

...or can you really see Russia from Wyoming?

Where was I? Oh, yeah, Joe Lieberman. Maybe it's me but can you really caucus with the Democrats when you oppose almost everything that Democrats were elected to fix? Joe is in favor of the U.S. attacking neutral countries in the Middle East (do you sense a pro Israel bias?), he opposes any form of healthcare (that would be his pro insurance company bias) and, so far as we can tell, is opposed to affirmative action and tort reform. Wow! If he ever changes his position on guns, he'll be to the right of Lindsey Graham. Calling Joe Lieberman a Democrat or an Independent is like calling Bill O'Reilly a Liberal because he's left-handed. In this country you run as an Independent when neither party will tolerate you.



On a related subject my Washington Post reported this week that both John McCain and Joe Lieberman have publicly expressed their support for the use of drones. A quick check of Dictionary.com informs us that a drone is a parasitic loafer or, a dull, monotonous sound. Any questions?.


If, perchance, their frame of reference was military drones, mindless missiles that are guided remotely and strike random targets with no ability to distinguish friend from foe, it is not difficult to understand why McCain and Lieberman would defend one of their own.



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And then there are those who make writing this blog just too easy. Enter Rudy Giuliani. America's Mayor has once again cranked open his large Italian mouth only to insert his Buster Browns. Not content to continue his shameless 9-11 exploitation tour, Rudy is appearing on TV chat shows to opine on the state of security in the U.S. Giuliani operates on the theory that, if you are walking down the street and a piano falls on your head, you are now an expert in Classical music. By this logic Tiger Woods, having had an encounter with a fire hydrant, would be qualified to lecture on the state of Ft. Lauderdale's urban water distribution.


Rudy's recent pronouncement, made to George Stephanopoulos on Good Morning America, was that there were no terrorist attacks during the Bush 43 administration. Now I'm not one to place blame but, technically speaking, George W. Bush was Commander in Chief, at least nominally, on Sept. 11, 2001. Being out to lunch doesn't mean you don't still have the job. Stephanopoulos was so stunned, he didn't ask Rudy to explain 9-11, Richard Reid, aka, the shoe bomber, and several other events which took place between Jan. 2001 and Jan 2009. Perhaps Rudy forgot that it's rude to remind Little George that Dick Cheney was really in charge for those eight years.

The elections of 2010 will be very exciting to be sure but I'm a bit sad at the prospect of races for governor and senator in New York without Rudy Giuliani. This self-important dirtbag has yet to even address the firefighters of his city who feel that his decisions immediately following the World Trade Center bombings cost several lives. Rudy is too cowardly to run for office in New York. To do so would incur the wrath of the state's most vocal and visceral voting block...Rudy's ex-wives.


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If Muslims are at all curious to learn why the non-Muslim world is getting a little fed up with them, forget exploding Fruit of the Looms and focus on Kuala Lumpur. Muslims in Malaysia are protesting/rioting over a High Court decision permitting Malaysian Christians to use the word Allah in print pronouncements. Seriously; the followers of Islam are so touchy that they take to the streets to protect the word Allah. We're not talking Dutch cartoons here, we're talking about their word for God. Pretty soon Muslims will want us to stop talking about beaded taxicab seats.

We all want to be tolerant but, the followers of Allah (sorry!) are trying the world's patience. For the first 1,000 years of its existence, Islam led the world in science, mathematics and culture. While the Irish were throwing mud balls at each other, the scholars of the East were charting the heavens and producing the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. Unfortunately the second millennium has been less productive. Like Christianity, Islam's paranoia has grown along with its popularity. Unlike Christianity, Islam's response to its self-described victimization has been violence and gross overreaction.


Muslims of today want things both ways. They immigrate to non-Muslim countries, demand the right of non-assimilation and, grab their pitchforks and torches at every perceived slight. They're only missing their own Al Sharpton. Maybe I'm a closet bigot but Islam is a religion, an organization built around prayer and devotion to God. Your rights extend only to the door of your mosque. Once you're on the street your rights have obligations. You are obliged to accommodate your religion to your cultural surroundings. If France, The Netherlands or Malaysia offends your religious sensibilities, either get over it or leave. Rioting, skyjacking and incendiary skivvies are not acceptable options. Neither is telling Malaysian Christians which words they can use.


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...or am I the only one who cares where reindeer go in January?

It's only January and already there are reasons to move to Europe. To wit:

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Dick Cheney is an overwhelming, raging, galactic asshat. (OK it's not as catchy as "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot" but I'm no poet.) This man needs to take his sneering back-seat driving, fear-mongering keester to The Wyoming Home for Presidential Wannabees and wait quietly for the Almighty to call him home. If that sounds harsh, tough. Cheney is causing right thinking Americans to address an issue we thought we'd never say out loud...George W. Bush is behaving like a classy, principled statesman. Ech!

After each and every international incident, our former bucket of warm piss (that's the original John Nance Garner quote) runs directly toward the first open mike to decry the failed policies of Barack Obama. Who is this guy? Jesse Jackson? Listen Mr. Cheney, the only thing in America "less safe" is a President who is being depicted as weak and conciliatory in the face of danger. The folks most receptive to this message are also the inbred survivalists who share two disturbing traits: low IQ's and gun ownership.

If Dick Cheney really cared about America he would return to Mooseshit, Wyoming or wherever he's from, shut his mouth and type out his gripping life story on an old Royal. He can start with his glorious military record.

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If Dick Cheney doesn't have you reaching for your passport, try this... a recent Gallup Poll inquiring as to whom Americans most admire, showed Glenn Beck in the number two spot just behind Nelson Mandela. Hey, I'm as shocked as you. Not that my countrymen admire Glenn Beck. I'm amazed that any of these appleheads know who Nelson Mandela is. They probably think he's some Italian guy or the guy that hosts Deal or No Deal. The survey showed Beck ahead of Bill Gates, Billy Graham and even George W. Bush. They're probably still mad at W for not running for a third term.

Seriously, we thought that young America getting their news from Jon Stewart was a problem. Now we learn that the country is following the guidance of a man who makes Sarah Palin look like Margaret Thacher. It would be OK if Beck's audience understood that he's making it up as he goes along. (There really aren't subliminal communist messages in the friezes adorning Rockefeller Center.) You would be wise however, not to jump to that conclusion. Beck's disciples might not take everything to heart but they do possess a fundamental affinity for the overarching message: namely that America is in the incapable hands of a liberal ideologue who stands in opposition to American Exceptionalism.

In the Gospel According to Beck: showing respect to other world leaders is a sign of weakness, attempting to negotiate disputes with foreign governments is almost traitorous and, supporting healthcare legislation is socialist...or communist...or fascist. (Beck uses these terms interchangeably, secure in the knowledge that his audience will not know the difference...or care.)

The show's logic is compelling as long as no one is available to present a counter argument. All opinions are acceptable if you wrap yourself in the flag. It works like this:
1) Healthcare is bad because it's bad for America and I love America.
2) Obama is trying to backdoor reparations for slavery which is unfair to Americans and, of course, I love Americans.
3) Healthcare will cause older Americans to be lined up and shot which is unfair to older Americans but may possibly provide needed employment for gun owners. Nevertheless I love America.

This claptrap plays well to older, white Americans who somehow feel that Barack Obama wasn't elected by them and doesn't represent them. Change is scary and these people are scared. Beck plays on that fear like a cheap kazoo. He reaffirms the paranoia that every liberal change since Reconstruction is unfortunate. Every new policy is a disguised conspiracy to turn our beloved country over to minorities, illegals and welfare Cadillac drivers. Hell, if some guy showed up on my TV every day and told me what I wanted to hear, I'd admire him too. But wait! Someone does that...Steven Colbert.

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The New York Jets defeated the Cincinnati Bengals 37-0 in the last game to be played in Giants Stadium. What made the event memorable, aside from the obvious, is that the game was dry. This was not a weather related occurrence but a conscious decision by the club not to serve alcohol during the contest. The combined issues of a late start (8 PM) and that it was the last game to be played in that building caused a heroically rational decision by the the club, choosing respect for life over beer revenue. Congratulations to the Jets ownership although I suspect an ulterior motive. Considering the outrageous prices of tickets in the new stadium, the Jets could hardly contribute to the accidental death of anyone crazy enough to pay for them.

Unfortunately, if predictably, not everyone was thrilled with the decision to force Jet fans to get drunk before game time. New Jersey distiller Majorska Vodka expressed outrage at the tea-tottling attitude of the Jets owners. The company urged Jets fans to boycott Johnson & Johnson products (Jets owner Woody Johnson is heir to the J&J fortune) for 24 hours. This is an understandable response in that the similarity between Majorska Vodka and J&J rubbing alcohol is imperceptible. They're practically competitors.

In any event, I'm sure that Jets fans, ingenious as they are, found myriad ways to smuggle a little hooch into Giants stadium Sunday night. After all, who could pass up the opportunity to act the drunken fool in front of a national television audience?

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By the way, in voting for Asshat Of The Year we wouldn't want to leave out our favorite Senator from Connecticut Joe Lieberman. Sadly, I'm all raged out. More tomorrow.