...or might it be possible trade with the Italians? They take the cast of Jersey Shore. We take Silvio Berlusconi.

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In 1997, without any provocation, the people of Italy inflicted upon the United States an irritation called Roberto Benigni. His Academy Award acceptance in 1998 caused Academy members to yearn for the no-show days of Woody, Brando and George C. Scott. Well it's taken thirteen years but America is about to get even.


MTV (hard to believe they're still around) has announced that next year's season of Jersey Shore will be filmed in Sicily. Governor Chris Christie should call a press conference and take credit for ridding the Garden State of the plague that is Jersey Shore. This squad of self-absorbed guidos (their term, not mine) has been the worst thing to happen to the Eastern Shore since syringes began washing up on the Tom's River beach. Fortunately, Italy's pain is our gain. While America scrambles to discover a way to revoke Snooki's passport, the Italians will be faced with explaining how, in just a couple of generations, solid Italian immigrants could morph into loud, loutish cartoons. Guess the Corleone's are looking pretty good about now.



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Is it even possible to violate Jesse "the Body" Ventura? The former pro wrestler and Minnesota governor (it's difficult to determine which job required less mental acuity) is suing both the TSA and the Dept of Homeland Security. It seems that The Bod feels that full body scans and full pat-downs are a violation of his Constitutional protection against illegal searches. Wonderful! Another asylum is heard from.


Having served the people of the State of Minnesota a steady diet of not much from 1999 to 2003, Ventura has been mostly a bit player in both politics and film. Actually, most people think Ventura and Hulk Hogan are the same guy. Now that he has his own TV show on truTV, a cable station with an audience in the high three figures, Ventura is using the courts to flog his ratings. You see, my friends, the show is called "Conspiracy Theory". Get it? The TSA is "conspiring" to steal your rights. WOW! Think it's a coincidence that Lou Gehrig got Lou Gehrig's disease? Oh you naive fools. Watch my show.

If ever a trial judge needed to issue a gag order, this is it; retroactive to 1999 if possible. Unfortunately, the rest of us won't need a judge's order to gag.


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In a move deemed long overdue, the Marriott Hotel Corp announced that it would no longer offer guests the opportunity to watch "adult content" films in Marriott hotel rooms. Yes folks, after God knows how many years of raking in countless millions peddling smut to its guests, the deeply conservative, Mormon-owned Marriotts have finally succumbed to pressure groups like Focus on the Family. Seriously, could these people be any less fun?

Apparently, those upright execs at Marriott had held forth for all these years, defending your right to watch porn in your room. Compared to the trouble you might get into on the streets or in the bars of America, a little in-room skin seemed a harmless vice. Besides, argued Marriott, the average viewing time was clocked at only about seven minutes. What's all the fuss about movies that couldn't hold viewer attention any longer than that?


At least Marriott guests will find new reasons to reach for the Book of Mormon, mostly to prop-up your iphone so you won't need two hands to watch downloaded porn.





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