George W. Bush in Africa. Haven't these people suffered enough?
In case you haven't made it to page 16 of Friday's Washington Post (I'm sure that he did better in The NY Times), your President is headed for Africa. This is a man whose previous encounters with the Dark Continent were limited to listening to his college roomates' Ladysmith Black Mombazo album.
George has never listed a knowledge of geography as one of his strengths. His attitude is, if we are not invading a country, why do we need to know where it is? The President was so information-starved about the globe that he kept asking a visiting Tony Blair if he drove or flew (rim shot).
In case you imagined that Fearless George was jetting into the teeth of danger to extinguish the fires in Kenya and the Sudan, guess again. George W. is headed to Tanzania, Ghana, Liberia, Rwanda (having just seen the movie with Don Cheedle, he wants to stay in "the hotel") and, are you ready, Benin. Before you go scurrying off to an atlas, Benin is a key-hole shaped country wedged between Nigeria and Togo (where?) in Western Africa.
Lest you think that your President is leaving the Kenyans to their fate, shame on you. George has dispatched Condoleezza Rice to sort out the problems between the Kikuyu and the Kalenjin.
Sending the Secretary of State to this hot spot relieved the President of the burden of having to recall both tribal names as well as the impossible task of remembering which was which (like it matters). One would have imagined that the President would send Dick "Dead-Eye" Cheney into a dangerous spot like Nairobi. At least he owns the necessary ordnance.
Considering GW's limited exposure to black culture, (Colin Powell, the only black man George ever met, is from the Bronx), the President will need to be reminded of certain facts:
In Rwanda, remember Tutsi is a tribe, not a Dustin Hoffman movie.
Swahili is not the same as Ebonics.
Burkina Faso is a country, not the actor who played Huggy Bear on Starsky and Hutch.
Ghana is not the first syllable of an STD.
As long as George stays on script, all should be fine. After all, how much harm can he do? About 45% of Africa is Muslim and they already hate us. If George can gain the support of just a few more Africans, he will leave the continent with a higher approval rating than he has here. Not bad for a man who read The Jungle Book only last week.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
...or should we be trying to buy-out GWB's contract and send him home?
Just in case you were starting to feel sorry for George the Lesser...
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In his (thankfully) final State of the Union message last month, President George made a big deal out of a plan to allow members of the armed forces to transfer their unused education benefits to family members. Very noble. Military personnel should get something for the misery they've suffered at the hands of this administration. Having never attended a military funeral, George has had plenty of time to sit around 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. and dream up nice perks for the soldiers fortunate enough to make it home.
However, not surprisingly, the President's budget for 200/2009 makes no provision for any addition to veteran’s benefits. In other words, George was just blowing smoke. It's one thing to abandon the victims of hurricane Katrina (they were mostly Democrats, anyway) but for this administration to short-change the troops that they themselves put in harm's way is unconscionable. Considering the trail of misinformation and deceit that has been the stock and trade of this Bush White House, this offense is particularly egregious. Can Jan 20, 2009 possibly arrive soon enough?
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Once again the pandering, ass-kissing Congress is lining up on the wrong side of an issue. A majority of your Congresspersons have come out in favor of allowing the citizens of Washington D.C. to own assault weapons. Ignoring the fact that only a moron would vote for more guns in the streets of Washington, Congresspeople have to work here. If you smell the cordite coming from the NRA, you're not alone. The gun nuts now have enough conservative judges among the Supremes to win a fight on Second Amendment grounds. Oh goody! Naturally, Dick "shoot your lawyer in the face" Cheney is also campaigning for repeal of the existing weapons law. Why ruin a perfect record?
Among life's little ironies is the juxtaposition of the Washington Post detailing Congress' support for gun ownership directly across the page from an article about the gunman in Kirkwood, MO. This was the gentleman who shot up a city council meeting killing five and wounding the town's mayor. I quess that Congress thinks that the rent-a -cops at the front door will be enough to keep them safe.
As for the NRA, they won't be happy until the Washington Nationals establish "Gun Day" at the ball park.
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Under the category of "you can't make this stuff up":
The Mississippi legislature is considering a bill that would prohibit restaurants from serving food to really fat people. "People are just going to the buffets and eating" says Mississippi State Representative Ted Mayhall. Mississippi has the highest obesity rate of any state in the country.
Mr. Mayhall has suggested fines for restaurants that feed the tubby but he was unclear as to how the overweight would be identified. Possibly a form of the height measurement device used at amusement parks. "If you can't fit between these two lines, you will be denied service". Perhaps the doors to Mississippi restaurants could be made narrow enough to only allow skinny people to get in. If you think the NRA bitches about gun control, wait until you hear the NRA (as in National Restaurant Assoc.) squawk about this proposal. Do you think the Second Amendment includes the right to keep and bear french fries? After all, burgers don't kill people. People with spatulas kill people!
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A crowd of 250,000 Columbians protested last week in the streets of Bogotá. The rally was organized to attempt to stop the kidnappings in Columbia at the hands of FARC, the Marxist Leninist group that has snatched 700 people in the past 10 years. "Stop the FARCing kidnapping" was the rallying cry of the crowd (or it would have been if the crowd spoke English and had a sense of humor). The rebel group has become so synonymous with the kidnappings in Columbia that they are now just called "getting FARCed". OK I’ll stop now.
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This just in...
The little town of Poczernin, Poland is about to recieve a dubious distinction. Thanks to the work of Rev. Andrzej Trojanowski, Poczernin will become the only center in Catholic Europe dedicated to the performance of exorcisms. Apparently the ritual casting out of demons has become quite the cottage industry in Poland. There are currently 70 priests in the country authorized to perform the ancient rite. (Italy has about 300 practioneers but almost everyone in Italy is possessed by something.) A Catholic University in Rome is offering a course in devil extraction.
Apparently the symptoms of possession in the new milennium are more subtle than the Linda Blair, head-spinning, ceiling- crawling that made the 1973 movie so creepy. All sorts of aberrant behavior can be proof of a demon dwelling within. Father Trojanowski claims to be seeing 20 people a week who are under the influence of evil spirits. His office must be near Fox News.
Depending on your point of view, the new exorcism center could be a boon for tourism. After all, contrary to popular myth, exorcisms can take months. (Do devils have a lease?) The possessed need somewhere to stay (I'm thinking The Cast-Out Inn). People eating for two or more will need serious buffet restaurants. A spa would be a must. Do you know what being possessed can do to your skin?
Should you come away from this item with the impression that isitjustme doesn't believe in the devil or in demonic possession than you clearly haven't read anything written here about Karl Rove. The world would be a better place if George W. Bush would load up Air Force One with the entire team from his first term and head for Poland. Maybe Fr. Trojanowski has a group rate.
Item
In his (thankfully) final State of the Union message last month, President George made a big deal out of a plan to allow members of the armed forces to transfer their unused education benefits to family members. Very noble. Military personnel should get something for the misery they've suffered at the hands of this administration. Having never attended a military funeral, George has had plenty of time to sit around 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. and dream up nice perks for the soldiers fortunate enough to make it home.
However, not surprisingly, the President's budget for 200/2009 makes no provision for any addition to veteran’s benefits. In other words, George was just blowing smoke. It's one thing to abandon the victims of hurricane Katrina (they were mostly Democrats, anyway) but for this administration to short-change the troops that they themselves put in harm's way is unconscionable. Considering the trail of misinformation and deceit that has been the stock and trade of this Bush White House, this offense is particularly egregious. Can Jan 20, 2009 possibly arrive soon enough?
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Once again the pandering, ass-kissing Congress is lining up on the wrong side of an issue. A majority of your Congresspersons have come out in favor of allowing the citizens of Washington D.C. to own assault weapons. Ignoring the fact that only a moron would vote for more guns in the streets of Washington, Congresspeople have to work here. If you smell the cordite coming from the NRA, you're not alone. The gun nuts now have enough conservative judges among the Supremes to win a fight on Second Amendment grounds. Oh goody! Naturally, Dick "shoot your lawyer in the face" Cheney is also campaigning for repeal of the existing weapons law. Why ruin a perfect record?
Among life's little ironies is the juxtaposition of the Washington Post detailing Congress' support for gun ownership directly across the page from an article about the gunman in Kirkwood, MO. This was the gentleman who shot up a city council meeting killing five and wounding the town's mayor. I quess that Congress thinks that the rent-a -cops at the front door will be enough to keep them safe.
As for the NRA, they won't be happy until the Washington Nationals establish "Gun Day" at the ball park.
_____________________________________________________________________
Item
Under the category of "you can't make this stuff up":
The Mississippi legislature is considering a bill that would prohibit restaurants from serving food to really fat people. "People are just going to the buffets and eating" says Mississippi State Representative Ted Mayhall. Mississippi has the highest obesity rate of any state in the country.
Mr. Mayhall has suggested fines for restaurants that feed the tubby but he was unclear as to how the overweight would be identified. Possibly a form of the height measurement device used at amusement parks. "If you can't fit between these two lines, you will be denied service". Perhaps the doors to Mississippi restaurants could be made narrow enough to only allow skinny people to get in. If you think the NRA bitches about gun control, wait until you hear the NRA (as in National Restaurant Assoc.) squawk about this proposal. Do you think the Second Amendment includes the right to keep and bear french fries? After all, burgers don't kill people. People with spatulas kill people!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Item
A crowd of 250,000 Columbians protested last week in the streets of Bogotá. The rally was organized to attempt to stop the kidnappings in Columbia at the hands of FARC, the Marxist Leninist group that has snatched 700 people in the past 10 years. "Stop the FARCing kidnapping" was the rallying cry of the crowd (or it would have been if the crowd spoke English and had a sense of humor). The rebel group has become so synonymous with the kidnappings in Columbia that they are now just called "getting FARCed". OK I’ll stop now.
___________________________________________________________________
This just in...
The little town of Poczernin, Poland is about to recieve a dubious distinction. Thanks to the work of Rev. Andrzej Trojanowski, Poczernin will become the only center in Catholic Europe dedicated to the performance of exorcisms. Apparently the ritual casting out of demons has become quite the cottage industry in Poland. There are currently 70 priests in the country authorized to perform the ancient rite. (Italy has about 300 practioneers but almost everyone in Italy is possessed by something.) A Catholic University in Rome is offering a course in devil extraction.
Apparently the symptoms of possession in the new milennium are more subtle than the Linda Blair, head-spinning, ceiling- crawling that made the 1973 movie so creepy. All sorts of aberrant behavior can be proof of a demon dwelling within. Father Trojanowski claims to be seeing 20 people a week who are under the influence of evil spirits. His office must be near Fox News.
Depending on your point of view, the new exorcism center could be a boon for tourism. After all, contrary to popular myth, exorcisms can take months. (Do devils have a lease?) The possessed need somewhere to stay (I'm thinking The Cast-Out Inn). People eating for two or more will need serious buffet restaurants. A spa would be a must. Do you know what being possessed can do to your skin?
Should you come away from this item with the impression that isitjustme doesn't believe in the devil or in demonic possession than you clearly haven't read anything written here about Karl Rove. The world would be a better place if George W. Bush would load up Air Force One with the entire team from his first term and head for Poland. Maybe Fr. Trojanowski has a group rate.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
...is the election process eating up all your brain cells?
Other things in the news...
Item
Fear not, America. Things are going beautifully in Afghanistan, especially if you are a crazy-ass radical Muslim. For one thing, agriculture is booming. Afghan farmers are filling their barns with everyone's favorite crop...poppies. The beneficiary of this farming bonanza is, naturally enough, our friends the Taliban. Apparently the Koran prohibits the personal use of drugs, but it's OK to sell poppies to Italy and Turkey. What they do with the stuff is their business. Things are so good that Mullah Omar is thinking of listing the Taliban on the New York Stock Exchange using the stock symbol "H".
All this prosperity will certainly have a positive effect on the end users. The price of smack in New York will become one of the few bargains in Manhattan. Junkies will now only need to mug half as many citizens on the streets in order to feed their habit. Rudy Giuliani is already taking the credit.
All of this good news has prompted Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to participate in a Marion Barry moment. (It was former Mayor Barry who said, "If it weren't for all the murders in D.C., crime would be down.")
Secretary Rice was so eager to praise American success in Afghanistan that she completely ignored the pending execution of Sayed Parwiz Kambakhsh. Mr. Kambakhsh is a journalist and student who apparently printed an article off the internet criticizing the Koran for its treatment of women. In "the new, progressive" Afghanistan this crime will get you a trip to the gallows without the messiness of a trial. America's favorite Afghan President, Hamid Karzai won't touch this with a ten-foot hookah. Civil law in Afghanistan cannot contravene Islamic law and Mr. Karzai's hold on power is shaky at best. One blast from the mullahs and he's back in the rug business.
It is east to see why this administration is pointing to Afghanistan as proof of American success in the Middle East. Agriculture is booming, exports are at an all-time high, faith-based programs are succeeding (even if the faith is Islam) and the government is stable (so long as it remains inert). One can only wonder why other countries in the region aren't lining up for a slice of this.
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Item
In other Middle Eastern news, a court in Iran has sentenced a 22 year old man to death for drinking. (In Texas, drinking is about the only thing that won't get you executed.) It seems that one of the delightful nuances of Islamic law is that, if you are caught drinking four times, hopefully not in the same night, you can be put to death (insert your own Brittany Spears/Kiefer Sutherland joke here). That's a bit harsh! If you're wondering why the immigration from Ireland to Iran is off a bit, look no further.
It's this sort of wacky jurisprudence that makes it easy to see why so many people around the world have embraced Islam. Who wouldn't want to join a gang of kooky guys that abuse women, cut people's heads off for the smallest offense and strap explosives to themselves for grins? It's like the Knights of Columbus only with sharper swords.
Item
Fear not, America. Things are going beautifully in Afghanistan, especially if you are a crazy-ass radical Muslim. For one thing, agriculture is booming. Afghan farmers are filling their barns with everyone's favorite crop...poppies. The beneficiary of this farming bonanza is, naturally enough, our friends the Taliban. Apparently the Koran prohibits the personal use of drugs, but it's OK to sell poppies to Italy and Turkey. What they do with the stuff is their business. Things are so good that Mullah Omar is thinking of listing the Taliban on the New York Stock Exchange using the stock symbol "H".
All this prosperity will certainly have a positive effect on the end users. The price of smack in New York will become one of the few bargains in Manhattan. Junkies will now only need to mug half as many citizens on the streets in order to feed their habit. Rudy Giuliani is already taking the credit.
All of this good news has prompted Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to participate in a Marion Barry moment. (It was former Mayor Barry who said, "If it weren't for all the murders in D.C., crime would be down.")
Secretary Rice was so eager to praise American success in Afghanistan that she completely ignored the pending execution of Sayed Parwiz Kambakhsh. Mr. Kambakhsh is a journalist and student who apparently printed an article off the internet criticizing the Koran for its treatment of women. In "the new, progressive" Afghanistan this crime will get you a trip to the gallows without the messiness of a trial. America's favorite Afghan President, Hamid Karzai won't touch this with a ten-foot hookah. Civil law in Afghanistan cannot contravene Islamic law and Mr. Karzai's hold on power is shaky at best. One blast from the mullahs and he's back in the rug business.
It is east to see why this administration is pointing to Afghanistan as proof of American success in the Middle East. Agriculture is booming, exports are at an all-time high, faith-based programs are succeeding (even if the faith is Islam) and the government is stable (so long as it remains inert). One can only wonder why other countries in the region aren't lining up for a slice of this.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In other Middle Eastern news, a court in Iran has sentenced a 22 year old man to death for drinking. (In Texas, drinking is about the only thing that won't get you executed.) It seems that one of the delightful nuances of Islamic law is that, if you are caught drinking four times, hopefully not in the same night, you can be put to death (insert your own Brittany Spears/Kiefer Sutherland joke here). That's a bit harsh! If you're wondering why the immigration from Ireland to Iran is off a bit, look no further.
It's this sort of wacky jurisprudence that makes it easy to see why so many people around the world have embraced Islam. Who wouldn't want to join a gang of kooky guys that abuse women, cut people's heads off for the smallest offense and strap explosives to themselves for grins? It's like the Knights of Columbus only with sharper swords.
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