Item
Reverend Al Sharpton, having discovered that his ancestors were owned by relatives of former Senator Strom Thurmond, has now requested that there be a DNA test performed to determine if Strom and Al are, in fact, related. While they're at it, Rev. Sharpton's DNA should also be checked against that of former German President Paul von Hindenburg. Any similarity would account for the giant airbag disaster that Al Sharpton has become.
If this nonsense doesn't keep Rev. Al in the papers, he can always admit to being the father of Anna Nicole's baby. More about that later.
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Item
I think that we can safely assume that Melissa Etheridge is a lesbian. Did you see her at the Oscars? The hair, the clothes, introducing her female companion as her "wife" (How exactly does that work? Do they take turns or are they both wives?), and explaining that Oscar will be the only naked man in her bedroom. Boring!
Melissa, no one cares. Sleep with goats if you like. Just stop pushing your sexuality in everyone's face. It's unattractive. The last person to demand that everyone notice her sex was Anna Nicole.
Which brings us to...
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Item
Here at isitjustme we try not to discuss the easy stuff. However, the on-going soap opera of "Our Ms. Smith" begs for comment.
It would appear that Anna Nicole is not having any more luck staying planted in death than in life. Apparently, Anna will be laid (sorry) to rest in the Bahamas. It's about time! If they waited any longer, she would have needed a trip to the Kremlin Resort & Spa for the "Lenin Kelp Treatment".
While the eternal rest decision has been made for Anna Nicole, the eternal custody battle for Daniellynn continues. Contestants include: Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead and 72 year old Frederic von Anhalt. The cable guy, the pool boy and the bagger at the local grocery have yet to be heard from. One guy, G. Ben Thompson, lost his bid when it was discovered that he had a vasectomy. He apparently forgot to read the fine print on the release form. Talk about people jumping on the bus after the accident! The sad part of this is that, for all of the clowns who claim to have slept with ANS no one is surprised or shocked.
Is anyone surprised that a Gabor somehow insinuated herself into this freak show? Freddy von Anhalt is Zsa Zsa Gabor's ninth and current husband. (One more and they can chose up sides and play full court.) Considering that Zsa Zsa was the first woman to be famous for being famous, (Eva was the talented one) it's amazing that, even at 90 years old, she can still manage to get ink in the middle of a sexy scandal.
The WalMart crowd can't get enough of this. It's like NASCAR... just one juicy wreck after another.
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Item
A survey released today indicates that 87% of Europeans are happy with their lives. Well duh!
Of course they're happy. They don't have to spend all that money to get to Europe. They're already there. And of course, they're not living with the crushing shame of having elected George W. Bush as President...twice!
Seriously, if you want to see how to live a happy, stress-free life, watch the Europeans. They don't own Blackberrys. They don't commute for an hour and a half. They take a two hour lunch...with wine. They work a normal eight or nine hour day. They take six weeks of vacation. Americans who retire work more than that. Europeans don't stay up nights dreaming-up ways to work longer and harder. It's called balance and, if we tried the concept here we wouldn't be the world's largest consumer of Valium.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
...is the world moving too slow?
more news you can't use...
Item
The State of Kansas, glorious home of presidential hopeful Sam Brownback, is back in the news. The Kansas school board has issued its fifth scientific standard in the last eight years. This time, thanks to a bunch of Godless atheists, the board is accepting the "theory" of evolution as "well supported by research". Well, thank you Kansas.
The board has yet to amend the current scientific teaching that the earth is flat and that the sun revolves around it. In a vote of 6 to 4 last year the Kansas board was able to put to rest the moon/green cheese controversy.
Would anyone be surprised to learn that condemned criminals in Kansas have a choice in the method of their execution...stoning or burned at the stake?
____________________________________________________________________
Item
As a public service to isitjustme readers, we have begun the Rev. Ted Haggard "Mo" watch.
It has been one week since graduating from the three week de-gaying academy and Rev. Haggard is still 100% heterosexual. We're pulling for you, Ted!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In a rare display of courage, President George W. Bush held a press conference last Wednesday. He was hopeful that the sheet of ice covering Washington, D.C. roads would hold the crowd down. No such luck.
The President fielded several questions regarding whether his administration was manufacturing evidence that Iran was providing weapons to Iraqi insurgents. Manufacturing evidence? Mon Dieu! Why would anyone think that the Bush administration would sink to attempting to hoodwink the American people? Maybe because it worked so well the last time.
The fact that a reporter would even suggest such a thing says volumes about the level of trust that the people have in this administration. The Bush White House has less legitimacy than Anna Nichole's baby.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In a head-shaking move this week, the Unites States Mint has released yet another one dollar coin, this one with a likeness of George Washington. Clearly the last 87 attempts at creating a coin to augment the paper currency were colossal failures simply because of the unfortunate choice of icons. Now that George Washington will adorn both the paper and coin version of the dollar, all confusion will immediately cease and people will stop using the coins for quarters and then getting pissed-off.
Note to the Mint; this is a bad idea. It was a bad idea when you used the likeness of Susan B. Anthony, Sacajawea and anyone else. This is the "metric system" of coinage. You could imprint a series of images called "Famous Breasts of the Movie Industry" and people still won't use them (although they might fondle them a bit).
If you want the American Euro, you will have to take the paper dollars out of circulation. You will also need to design a way that the coins can be folded lengthwise for gentleman's clubs.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Jessica Hall of Jacksonville, N.C. was convicted of maliciously throwing a McDonald's drink cup full of ice through the window of another car in a road rage incident. Ms. Hall has been sentenced to two years in prison. It seems that hurling a "missile" into another car is a felony in Virginia and two years is the minimum sentence.
Ms. Hall is the mother of three and, although what she did was dangerous and could have resulted in a serious accident, two years in prison is obscene. People routinely get probation for far more serious infractions. The other driver said that, if he had known of the severity of the sentence, he would never have filed the complaint. She has already been in custody for a month and that's enough.
This reactionary attitude is common in Virginia. At a time when many states (including neighboring Maryland) are contemplating abolishing the death penalty, Virginia is busily dreaming-up ways to lethally inject additional felons. Although Virginia is still #1 in overall executions, recent momentum has been swinging toward Texas.
Perhaps the Commonwealth could bump-up its numbers by offering to execute criminals from other states. A simple alteration in the state's motto should do the trick. "Virginia is for Execution-Lovers".
____________________________________________________________________
Item
You can't make this stuff up.
Last November, Brig. Gen. Patrick Finnegan flew to Hollywood with three top military and FBI interrogation experts. Their mission was to meet with the producers of the hit TV show "24" and attempt to persuade them to cut back on the scenes (and there are many) of hero Jack Bauer torturing terrorist suspects. It seems that the show is setting a bad example for West Point cadets who are wondering why Jack Bauer can crack the occasional head and they can't.
So let's see if I get this. The best and brightest officers-to-be in our armed forces are having trouble separating fantasy from reality? And, this problem is so serious that a brigadier general needs to fly to LA to address the issue? Beam me up Scotty. There is no intelligent life on this planet. Hopefully the Middies at Annapolis aren't watching McHale's Navy.
One suspects that the writers of the Simpsons will be receiving a stern letter from the EPA regarding the way Homer handles nuclear fuel and the effect that it's having on power plant employees.
Earth to West Point...it's a TV show. It's not real. Fictional characters can do anything. Get a life!
Please tune your televisions to "Survivor". Good, now vote yourself off.
Item
The State of Kansas, glorious home of presidential hopeful Sam Brownback, is back in the news. The Kansas school board has issued its fifth scientific standard in the last eight years. This time, thanks to a bunch of Godless atheists, the board is accepting the "theory" of evolution as "well supported by research". Well, thank you Kansas.
The board has yet to amend the current scientific teaching that the earth is flat and that the sun revolves around it. In a vote of 6 to 4 last year the Kansas board was able to put to rest the moon/green cheese controversy.
Would anyone be surprised to learn that condemned criminals in Kansas have a choice in the method of their execution...stoning or burned at the stake?
____________________________________________________________________
Item
As a public service to isitjustme readers, we have begun the Rev. Ted Haggard "Mo" watch.
It has been one week since graduating from the three week de-gaying academy and Rev. Haggard is still 100% heterosexual. We're pulling for you, Ted!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In a rare display of courage, President George W. Bush held a press conference last Wednesday. He was hopeful that the sheet of ice covering Washington, D.C. roads would hold the crowd down. No such luck.
The President fielded several questions regarding whether his administration was manufacturing evidence that Iran was providing weapons to Iraqi insurgents. Manufacturing evidence? Mon Dieu! Why would anyone think that the Bush administration would sink to attempting to hoodwink the American people? Maybe because it worked so well the last time.
The fact that a reporter would even suggest such a thing says volumes about the level of trust that the people have in this administration. The Bush White House has less legitimacy than Anna Nichole's baby.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In a head-shaking move this week, the Unites States Mint has released yet another one dollar coin, this one with a likeness of George Washington. Clearly the last 87 attempts at creating a coin to augment the paper currency were colossal failures simply because of the unfortunate choice of icons. Now that George Washington will adorn both the paper and coin version of the dollar, all confusion will immediately cease and people will stop using the coins for quarters and then getting pissed-off.
Note to the Mint; this is a bad idea. It was a bad idea when you used the likeness of Susan B. Anthony, Sacajawea and anyone else. This is the "metric system" of coinage. You could imprint a series of images called "Famous Breasts of the Movie Industry" and people still won't use them (although they might fondle them a bit).
If you want the American Euro, you will have to take the paper dollars out of circulation. You will also need to design a way that the coins can be folded lengthwise for gentleman's clubs.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Jessica Hall of Jacksonville, N.C. was convicted of maliciously throwing a McDonald's drink cup full of ice through the window of another car in a road rage incident. Ms. Hall has been sentenced to two years in prison. It seems that hurling a "missile" into another car is a felony in Virginia and two years is the minimum sentence.
Ms. Hall is the mother of three and, although what she did was dangerous and could have resulted in a serious accident, two years in prison is obscene. People routinely get probation for far more serious infractions. The other driver said that, if he had known of the severity of the sentence, he would never have filed the complaint. She has already been in custody for a month and that's enough.
This reactionary attitude is common in Virginia. At a time when many states (including neighboring Maryland) are contemplating abolishing the death penalty, Virginia is busily dreaming-up ways to lethally inject additional felons. Although Virginia is still #1 in overall executions, recent momentum has been swinging toward Texas.
Perhaps the Commonwealth could bump-up its numbers by offering to execute criminals from other states. A simple alteration in the state's motto should do the trick. "Virginia is for Execution-Lovers".
____________________________________________________________________
Item
You can't make this stuff up.
Last November, Brig. Gen. Patrick Finnegan flew to Hollywood with three top military and FBI interrogation experts. Their mission was to meet with the producers of the hit TV show "24" and attempt to persuade them to cut back on the scenes (and there are many) of hero Jack Bauer torturing terrorist suspects. It seems that the show is setting a bad example for West Point cadets who are wondering why Jack Bauer can crack the occasional head and they can't.
So let's see if I get this. The best and brightest officers-to-be in our armed forces are having trouble separating fantasy from reality? And, this problem is so serious that a brigadier general needs to fly to LA to address the issue? Beam me up Scotty. There is no intelligent life on this planet. Hopefully the Middies at Annapolis aren't watching McHale's Navy.
One suspects that the writers of the Simpsons will be receiving a stern letter from the EPA regarding the way Homer handles nuclear fuel and the effect that it's having on power plant employees.
Earth to West Point...it's a TV show. It's not real. Fictional characters can do anything. Get a life!
Please tune your televisions to "Survivor". Good, now vote yourself off.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
...were we all delighted to hear from John Howard of Australia?
Seriously, how many of you knew who the Prime Minister of Australia was before this week? How many of you knew that Australia had a prime minister? How many of you thought that Australia was run by: (a) Crocodile Dundee, (b) the CEO of Fosters Brewing, (c) a koala bear.
Well it turns out that, not only is John Howard the Prime Minister of Australia, but he has taken an interest in the upcoming election for President of the United States.
Standing close by a billabong, that jolly swagman Mr. Howard postulated that al-Qaeda members should be praying for the success of Presidential candidate Barak Obama. His logic is that Obama's desire to withdraw US forces from Iraq is exactly in line with the wishes of Osama and his cohorts. Well thank you Mr. Howard. Your opinion has been heard and noted. May we now hear from the honorable delegate from Burkina Faso or Tonga.
Australia, it should be noted, is not a bystander in the war on terror. They have committed a startling 1,400 troops to the conflict in Iraq. (America has 140,000). Thus far the Aussies have suffered 2 casualties; that's one less than Latvia, the same as Thailand and Estonia. The Australians loose more men than that in a three-man scrum. Considering the frequency with which roads explode in Iraq, one suspects that most of the Australian force is spending the war in a hotel in Basra watching reruns of Quigley Down Under.
Mr. Howard probably feels that his country has little to fear from the terrorist hoard. Aside from a few lovely cities on the east coast most of Australia looks like Afghanistan without the nice view. Al-Qaeda could blow stuff up for months and on one would even notice. For all anyone knows, bin Ladin could have built a Sandals resort in the Outback.
So again, thank you Prime Minister Howard for you insightful comment. You are now free to return to your primary duty, explaining the rules in Australian-rules rugby.
Well it turns out that, not only is John Howard the Prime Minister of Australia, but he has taken an interest in the upcoming election for President of the United States.
Standing close by a billabong, that jolly swagman Mr. Howard postulated that al-Qaeda members should be praying for the success of Presidential candidate Barak Obama. His logic is that Obama's desire to withdraw US forces from Iraq is exactly in line with the wishes of Osama and his cohorts. Well thank you Mr. Howard. Your opinion has been heard and noted. May we now hear from the honorable delegate from Burkina Faso or Tonga.
Australia, it should be noted, is not a bystander in the war on terror. They have committed a startling 1,400 troops to the conflict in Iraq. (America has 140,000). Thus far the Aussies have suffered 2 casualties; that's one less than Latvia, the same as Thailand and Estonia. The Australians loose more men than that in a three-man scrum. Considering the frequency with which roads explode in Iraq, one suspects that most of the Australian force is spending the war in a hotel in Basra watching reruns of Quigley Down Under.
Mr. Howard probably feels that his country has little to fear from the terrorist hoard. Aside from a few lovely cities on the east coast most of Australia looks like Afghanistan without the nice view. Al-Qaeda could blow stuff up for months and on one would even notice. For all anyone knows, bin Ladin could have built a Sandals resort in the Outback.
So again, thank you Prime Minister Howard for you insightful comment. You are now free to return to your primary duty, explaining the rules in Australian-rules rugby.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
...or have the buzzards begun to circle in earnest?
America's worst fear is being realized. Thanks to Don Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney and, of course, our commander-in-chief George W. Bush, our country is showing itself to be the paper tiger that much of the world always suspected we might be. The administration can't even rattle its sword because cardboard swords don't make much of a noise. Face it. Wars happen when weakness is perceived. No one is afraid of us anymore.
We arrogantly and stupidly marched into Iraq with too little planning and too few troops. Both the generals on the ground and the experienced hands in Congress knew that a much larger force would be needed to maintain the peace in Iraq. Moreover, pacifying a country with two waring factions is almost impossible without the cooperation of the parties involved. Just ask the Brits in Northern Ireland.
Well here we are, stuck in a civil war of our own making. And, as if the situation couldn't get any worse, the jackals are beginning to gather. Initially it was only the cartoon types: Hugo Chevez, Kim Jong Il, Evo Morales. South American "populists" are discovering that you can get elected president of your country by kicking sand on Uncle Sam. What can America do? They're tied up in the Middle East.
Unfortunately, those voices are now being joined by leaders that, on some level, were supposed to be partners. In a speech to an international security conference, our "friend" Vladimir Putin accused America of everything but shooting the Czar. Not that anyone really thought of the Russians as allies or even friends. World War II and its aftermath weren't that long ago. We did, however, imagine that the interests of America and Russia ran along a similar path. Both countries understand that commerce is the name of the game. Nothing is gained by an expensive military build-up.
However, Mr. Putin also understands that nothing gets the attention of the Russian people like a warning of an American escalation of the arms race. Russians were fed a steady stream of propaganda (as were Americans) for 40 years about a possible East-West conflict. George Bush's attack on Iraq just reinforces Russian paranoia. Much in the same way that Americans allowed the Republicans to rewrite the Constitution after 9/11, Russians will permit further totalitarian inclinations from their "democratic" leaders if the plan comes wrapped in a threat from those war-mongering Americans.
Expect to hear more of this rhetoric from the Kremlin as well as South America and especially from our "friends" in the Middle East. After all, what are we going to do, withhold their iPod shipment?
We arrogantly and stupidly marched into Iraq with too little planning and too few troops. Both the generals on the ground and the experienced hands in Congress knew that a much larger force would be needed to maintain the peace in Iraq. Moreover, pacifying a country with two waring factions is almost impossible without the cooperation of the parties involved. Just ask the Brits in Northern Ireland.
Well here we are, stuck in a civil war of our own making. And, as if the situation couldn't get any worse, the jackals are beginning to gather. Initially it was only the cartoon types: Hugo Chevez, Kim Jong Il, Evo Morales. South American "populists" are discovering that you can get elected president of your country by kicking sand on Uncle Sam. What can America do? They're tied up in the Middle East.
Unfortunately, those voices are now being joined by leaders that, on some level, were supposed to be partners. In a speech to an international security conference, our "friend" Vladimir Putin accused America of everything but shooting the Czar. Not that anyone really thought of the Russians as allies or even friends. World War II and its aftermath weren't that long ago. We did, however, imagine that the interests of America and Russia ran along a similar path. Both countries understand that commerce is the name of the game. Nothing is gained by an expensive military build-up.
However, Mr. Putin also understands that nothing gets the attention of the Russian people like a warning of an American escalation of the arms race. Russians were fed a steady stream of propaganda (as were Americans) for 40 years about a possible East-West conflict. George Bush's attack on Iraq just reinforces Russian paranoia. Much in the same way that Americans allowed the Republicans to rewrite the Constitution after 9/11, Russians will permit further totalitarian inclinations from their "democratic" leaders if the plan comes wrapped in a threat from those war-mongering Americans.
Expect to hear more of this rhetoric from the Kremlin as well as South America and especially from our "friends" in the Middle East. After all, what are we going to do, withhold their iPod shipment?
Saturday, February 03, 2007
...do we continue to miss the best news stories?
More news you can't use:
Item
A college student in Tampa, Florida was jailed for two days after reporting that she was raped. It seems that the local cops found an old warrant which was filed when the woman, then a teenager, failed to pay restitution for a theft. Ignoring her rape complaint, the police tossed her in jail.
While incarcerated, an employee of the jail refused to give the student the second dose of her morning-after contraceptive, siting religious convictions. It's rare when a person can become the victim of a rapist, a boneheaded police dept. and a over zealous Christian jailer all at once. Where's Johnnie Cochran when you really need him?
_____________________________________________________________________
Item
Prime Minister Tony Blair received another visit from the metropolitan police regarding the accusation that his administration sold knighthoods in return for campaign contributions. When the story broke, Donald Trump fired three aids for failing to inform him that he could have bought a peerage. Trump railed at his staff, "I could been a knight. Everybody would have had to called me Sir Donald or Lord Trump. I could have put my name all over everything. No wait! I do that now." Having been unable to buy his way to legitimacy, Trump is relegated to being called what he has always been called, America's most self-important asshole.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In a last desperate attempt to keep his administration from being compared favorably to that of Warren G. Harding, George W. Bush has allocated $130 million in the 2008 budget to alleviate traffic congestion. We may have suffered 25,000 killed or wounded in Iraq but those lucky enough to make it back will find traffic moving much better.
The Bush team is hard at work on the 2009 budget which will include: stiff penalties for supermarket managers who don't open additional registers when lines are long, fines for people who use the gym equipment for more than 30 minutes, financial rewards for good little children who eat their vegetables and a plan to save all of God's furry little creatures from whatever.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Has anyone noticed that President Bush no longer refers to American military involvement in Iraq as "The Coalition of the Willing" or "America and its Allies". Even the President has been forced to abandon the fig leaf that this is anything more than America's Invasion and America's War. The facts bear him out. U.S. dead now totals 3,099. That compares with: 133 Brits, 33 Italians, 18 Poles, etc. to a total of 254.
Most of America's "allies" in the conflict haven't committed enough manpower to fill a jeep. Fortunately, the President hasn't asked any other country to contribute troops to the "surge". He would look pretty silly congratulating Estonia or Moldavia for their committment.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
"We have met the enemy and he is us." Pogo.
If anyone in the Middle East is looking for Jamal Jafaar Mohammad, convicted murderer in the bombing of the US and French embassies in Kuwait in 1983, look no further. Jamal is sitting right next to Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki in the American-backed government of Iraq where he was elected to the Council of Representatives in 2005. Pretty clever, eh? Mr. Mohammad's parliamentary immunity prevents him from being returned to Kuwait where he is under a sentence of death since 1984. He decided not to stick around for the trial. Democracy can be sooooo messy.
Perhaps we could persuade Mr. Mohammad to run for office in the United States where no such immunity exists.
American intelligence officials are now combing the class picture of the current ruling body in Iraq to see if perhaps Osama is "hiding" there as Secretary of Health and Human Services. You just never know.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak was arraigned on charges including attempted murder, attempted kidnapping, destruction of evidence and battery. It seems that Ms. Nowak drove all the way from Houston to Orlando to attack fellow NASA employee Captain Coleen Shipman in a dispute over the affections of shuttle Captain Bill Oefelein. You can't make this stuff up.
Ms. Nowak confronted Ms. Shipman in the parking garage of the Orlando Airport and maced her while Ms. Shipman sat in her car. I guess Captain Bill has the Right Stuff. (Wink, wink).
In case you were wondering what shuttle astronauts were doing during those long days and nights in space, they were joining the eight-mile-high club. "Hey Lisa, want to do it weightless?"
Considering the complete lack of interest expressed by the public regarding the space program maybe this is a good thing. At least NASA is on the front page of the papers again and without those unfortunate incendiary videos.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Rev. Ted Haggard is cured.
The Rev. Tim Ralph (that's his real name) of Larkspur, Colo. has told the Denver Post that, after three weeks of intense counseling, Ted Haggard is no longer homosexual. You may remember Rev. Ted as the former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals. He was outed around Christmas by a male prostitute who mentioned the Rev's proclivity for champagne and methamphetamine, oh, and young boys.
Exactly how Rev. Ralph was able to ascertain that Ted was free of the homosexual devil is difficult to say. Perhaps he diddled a nurse before leaving the treatment center and requested directions to the Gold Club. In any event, it's certainly encouraging to know that this degenerate will henceforth only be directing his perverse nature toward women.
Glory hallelujah!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In the Northern Italian city of Mantova, archeologists have discovered two skeletons locked in an eternal embrace. (Hopefully they are not of the same sex.)
Experts believe that the couple, buried more than 5,000 years ago, were able to stay together this long due to the fact that neither one could speak.
Item
A college student in Tampa, Florida was jailed for two days after reporting that she was raped. It seems that the local cops found an old warrant which was filed when the woman, then a teenager, failed to pay restitution for a theft. Ignoring her rape complaint, the police tossed her in jail.
While incarcerated, an employee of the jail refused to give the student the second dose of her morning-after contraceptive, siting religious convictions. It's rare when a person can become the victim of a rapist, a boneheaded police dept. and a over zealous Christian jailer all at once. Where's Johnnie Cochran when you really need him?
_____________________________________________________________________
Item
Prime Minister Tony Blair received another visit from the metropolitan police regarding the accusation that his administration sold knighthoods in return for campaign contributions. When the story broke, Donald Trump fired three aids for failing to inform him that he could have bought a peerage. Trump railed at his staff, "I could been a knight. Everybody would have had to called me Sir Donald or Lord Trump. I could have put my name all over everything. No wait! I do that now." Having been unable to buy his way to legitimacy, Trump is relegated to being called what he has always been called, America's most self-important asshole.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In a last desperate attempt to keep his administration from being compared favorably to that of Warren G. Harding, George W. Bush has allocated $130 million in the 2008 budget to alleviate traffic congestion. We may have suffered 25,000 killed or wounded in Iraq but those lucky enough to make it back will find traffic moving much better.
The Bush team is hard at work on the 2009 budget which will include: stiff penalties for supermarket managers who don't open additional registers when lines are long, fines for people who use the gym equipment for more than 30 minutes, financial rewards for good little children who eat their vegetables and a plan to save all of God's furry little creatures from whatever.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Has anyone noticed that President Bush no longer refers to American military involvement in Iraq as "The Coalition of the Willing" or "America and its Allies". Even the President has been forced to abandon the fig leaf that this is anything more than America's Invasion and America's War. The facts bear him out. U.S. dead now totals 3,099. That compares with: 133 Brits, 33 Italians, 18 Poles, etc. to a total of 254.
Most of America's "allies" in the conflict haven't committed enough manpower to fill a jeep. Fortunately, the President hasn't asked any other country to contribute troops to the "surge". He would look pretty silly congratulating Estonia or Moldavia for their committment.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
"We have met the enemy and he is us." Pogo.
If anyone in the Middle East is looking for Jamal Jafaar Mohammad, convicted murderer in the bombing of the US and French embassies in Kuwait in 1983, look no further. Jamal is sitting right next to Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki in the American-backed government of Iraq where he was elected to the Council of Representatives in 2005. Pretty clever, eh? Mr. Mohammad's parliamentary immunity prevents him from being returned to Kuwait where he is under a sentence of death since 1984. He decided not to stick around for the trial. Democracy can be sooooo messy.
Perhaps we could persuade Mr. Mohammad to run for office in the United States where no such immunity exists.
American intelligence officials are now combing the class picture of the current ruling body in Iraq to see if perhaps Osama is "hiding" there as Secretary of Health and Human Services. You just never know.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak was arraigned on charges including attempted murder, attempted kidnapping, destruction of evidence and battery. It seems that Ms. Nowak drove all the way from Houston to Orlando to attack fellow NASA employee Captain Coleen Shipman in a dispute over the affections of shuttle Captain Bill Oefelein. You can't make this stuff up.
Ms. Nowak confronted Ms. Shipman in the parking garage of the Orlando Airport and maced her while Ms. Shipman sat in her car. I guess Captain Bill has the Right Stuff. (Wink, wink).
In case you were wondering what shuttle astronauts were doing during those long days and nights in space, they were joining the eight-mile-high club. "Hey Lisa, want to do it weightless?"
Considering the complete lack of interest expressed by the public regarding the space program maybe this is a good thing. At least NASA is on the front page of the papers again and without those unfortunate incendiary videos.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Rev. Ted Haggard is cured.
The Rev. Tim Ralph (that's his real name) of Larkspur, Colo. has told the Denver Post that, after three weeks of intense counseling, Ted Haggard is no longer homosexual. You may remember Rev. Ted as the former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals. He was outed around Christmas by a male prostitute who mentioned the Rev's proclivity for champagne and methamphetamine, oh, and young boys.
Exactly how Rev. Ralph was able to ascertain that Ted was free of the homosexual devil is difficult to say. Perhaps he diddled a nurse before leaving the treatment center and requested directions to the Gold Club. In any event, it's certainly encouraging to know that this degenerate will henceforth only be directing his perverse nature toward women.
Glory hallelujah!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
In the Northern Italian city of Mantova, archeologists have discovered two skeletons locked in an eternal embrace. (Hopefully they are not of the same sex.)
Experts believe that the couple, buried more than 5,000 years ago, were able to stay together this long due to the fact that neither one could speak.
Friday, February 02, 2007
...would fat kids be slimmer if parents let them play outside?
President George W. Bush met yesterday with senior executives from several companies in the food industry to wring his hands over our tubby kiddies. The group included representatives from McDonald's, Kraft and Pepsico. They were there (one suspects not voluntarily) so that the President could express his somber concern that American children are beginning to resemble a school of Beluga whales. Anyone who has seen the average fifth grade class in middle America knows what the problem is.
These useless, pro-forma photo-ops are staged almost weekly at the White House regardless of who is in office. The President vows to "do something" about the growing problem du jour. Handshakes are exchanged all around and everyone goes back to business as usual. In this case McDonald's returns to the production of Happy Meals, now available with a side of lard; Kraft reverts to making Mac & Cheese, in containers so convenient that you can cook them during commercials of Sponge Bob Square Pants, and Pepsi continues to create soft drinks with enough sugar to insure the prosperity of the Cuban economy for years to come.
Nevertheless, this is America not France. Mr. Bush assured his corporate guests that the administration would do nothing "aggressive" to ameliorate the problem. Translation: Big Brother will not attempt to reduce the caloric or fat content of Big Macs or Pepsi. Government will not step in and require that packages of Mac & Cheese carry a skull and crossbones warning. The President will invoke the "Katrina Doctrine". He will do nothing. There was, however a suggestion that Mr. Bush fly over a middle school in Topeka, KS. That plan was abandoned as "too invasive".
The tragic part of this problem is that everyone knows what the trouble is and what the solution is. Forget enlisting the food police. We don't need to count the number of french fries in a serving at Burger King or install child safety locks on the fridge. For once in his Presidency, George Bush is right (who would have guessed?). Legislation and regulation are not the answer. American parents need to do what American parents will never do; let the kids go out to play.
Children are fat because they're prisoners in their own homes. In generations past, children came home from school, grabbed a snack, and headed for the park, school yard or just the street. They were unseen by adults until they were called home for dinner. In the summer, they were off again after supper only to return ten seconds before dark. On Saturdays, kids were unseen all day. It was pretty hard to gain weight when you were burning calories for hours on the ball field or the basketball court.
Today's suburban lifestyle is coupled with an almost pathological dread of the social surroundings. This has forced parents to limit the activity of their kids to drive-up, controlled, organized events. Being chauffeured to and from the little league field may look like parental participation but it's really just an armed escort.
The ironic part of this is that many families moved from urban centers and changing neighborhoods primarily to escape the dangers that existed in their former environment. Even after relocating to "safer neighborhoods" parents are reluctant to let kids "go out and play". If you keep your children confined in the house to protect them from predators, real or imagined, they will begin to resemble Fat Albert even if you feed them kelp and mineral water.
We need to dispel the notion that the streets were safer in years past. Television shows like Criminal Minds as well as 24-7 news programs instill an unjustified fear in parents. A child molestation in Colorado is splashed across America as if it were the latest example of an nationwide epidemic rather than an isolated incident. No one wants to let their kids play without adult supervision. Your daughter may study ballet and your boy might play soccer and swim but, aside from those controlled activities, they are locked away from imagined abductors.
Newsflash: Predators existed in the glorious 1950's. Children were taken off the street and never heard from again. Cars maimed kids at play. Danger has always been with us but, in years past, American parents were not willing to let fear rule their lives and the lives of their children.
Maybe the Depression and WWII gave the parents of the 50's and 60's prospective on the relative dangers of the outside world. As kids, we were warned about talking to strangers but we were never placed in fear of our lives.
Fast food proliferation may be a relatively recent phenomenon but bad eating habits are as old as lying about why you were late for dinner. Kids have always preferred to eat the hamburger and feed the broccoli to the dog. The only difference with today's young people is that, instead of Mom shutting the TV off and sending you out to play, she now turns on the set so you won't be tempted to leave. If this keeps up, every child in America will be getting a seat belt extender for their sweet sixteen present.
So, keep up the good work Mr. President. You're on the right track. Doing nothing becomes you.
Until the youth of America is released from their 50 inch, flat screen prison we will continue to foster a generation of super-sized children. Good luck if you get a middle seat.
These useless, pro-forma photo-ops are staged almost weekly at the White House regardless of who is in office. The President vows to "do something" about the growing problem du jour. Handshakes are exchanged all around and everyone goes back to business as usual. In this case McDonald's returns to the production of Happy Meals, now available with a side of lard; Kraft reverts to making Mac & Cheese, in containers so convenient that you can cook them during commercials of Sponge Bob Square Pants, and Pepsi continues to create soft drinks with enough sugar to insure the prosperity of the Cuban economy for years to come.
Nevertheless, this is America not France. Mr. Bush assured his corporate guests that the administration would do nothing "aggressive" to ameliorate the problem. Translation: Big Brother will not attempt to reduce the caloric or fat content of Big Macs or Pepsi. Government will not step in and require that packages of Mac & Cheese carry a skull and crossbones warning. The President will invoke the "Katrina Doctrine". He will do nothing. There was, however a suggestion that Mr. Bush fly over a middle school in Topeka, KS. That plan was abandoned as "too invasive".
The tragic part of this problem is that everyone knows what the trouble is and what the solution is. Forget enlisting the food police. We don't need to count the number of french fries in a serving at Burger King or install child safety locks on the fridge. For once in his Presidency, George Bush is right (who would have guessed?). Legislation and regulation are not the answer. American parents need to do what American parents will never do; let the kids go out to play.
Children are fat because they're prisoners in their own homes. In generations past, children came home from school, grabbed a snack, and headed for the park, school yard or just the street. They were unseen by adults until they were called home for dinner. In the summer, they were off again after supper only to return ten seconds before dark. On Saturdays, kids were unseen all day. It was pretty hard to gain weight when you were burning calories for hours on the ball field or the basketball court.
Today's suburban lifestyle is coupled with an almost pathological dread of the social surroundings. This has forced parents to limit the activity of their kids to drive-up, controlled, organized events. Being chauffeured to and from the little league field may look like parental participation but it's really just an armed escort.
The ironic part of this is that many families moved from urban centers and changing neighborhoods primarily to escape the dangers that existed in their former environment. Even after relocating to "safer neighborhoods" parents are reluctant to let kids "go out and play". If you keep your children confined in the house to protect them from predators, real or imagined, they will begin to resemble Fat Albert even if you feed them kelp and mineral water.
We need to dispel the notion that the streets were safer in years past. Television shows like Criminal Minds as well as 24-7 news programs instill an unjustified fear in parents. A child molestation in Colorado is splashed across America as if it were the latest example of an nationwide epidemic rather than an isolated incident. No one wants to let their kids play without adult supervision. Your daughter may study ballet and your boy might play soccer and swim but, aside from those controlled activities, they are locked away from imagined abductors.
Newsflash: Predators existed in the glorious 1950's. Children were taken off the street and never heard from again. Cars maimed kids at play. Danger has always been with us but, in years past, American parents were not willing to let fear rule their lives and the lives of their children.
Maybe the Depression and WWII gave the parents of the 50's and 60's prospective on the relative dangers of the outside world. As kids, we were warned about talking to strangers but we were never placed in fear of our lives.
Fast food proliferation may be a relatively recent phenomenon but bad eating habits are as old as lying about why you were late for dinner. Kids have always preferred to eat the hamburger and feed the broccoli to the dog. The only difference with today's young people is that, instead of Mom shutting the TV off and sending you out to play, she now turns on the set so you won't be tempted to leave. If this keeps up, every child in America will be getting a seat belt extender for their sweet sixteen present.
So, keep up the good work Mr. President. You're on the right track. Doing nothing becomes you.
Until the youth of America is released from their 50 inch, flat screen prison we will continue to foster a generation of super-sized children. Good luck if you get a middle seat.
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