Things you missed while watching Rick Santorum receive his 15 minutes of fame:
West Bank Story
The forces of Greece and Armenia have once again beaten their ploughshares into weapons and allowed their differences to blossom into armed combat. These ancient civilizations, once allies against the hated Turks, have now taken up arms against one another. This conflict may have eluded mainstream media coverage in that the aggression has not erupted on the plains of Gamar or in the mountains of Amonos but in a far more obscure location...in the pews of The Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. The combatants are rival tribes of monks and the weapons- brooms and mops.
It seems that three orders of monks share the maintenance chores for this Church said to be the birthplace of Jesus Christ. The privilege of cleaning and maintaining the church has been a constant battle among factions of the Catholic religion. A fragile status quo exists among the three groups: one Roman Catholic, one Armenian and one Greek Orthodox. Each group cleans a certain designated section and there is frequently trouble on or near the borders.The conflict extends back centuries. In the 1800's Czar Nicholas sent troops to restore a balance he felt was tipping too far toward the Catholics. Must have been a slow day in Moscow.
The fight (and it was a fight) erupted along the border between the Armenians and the Greeks. The amazing aspect of this conflict is that there isn't a Jew or Arab in sight (or on site either). The Holy War of the Dustbin is entirely the province of the Catholics. For the moment, order has been restored but as we all know about religious squabbles in that region, peace is only as permanent as the closest O-cedar and a monk who knows how to use it.
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Room for The Holy Ghost
Skaneateles High School, nestled in the pastoral lakes region of upstate New York, has become ground zero in the war on sin. Principal Georgette Hoskins has determined that the Winter Ball will have to be cancelled this year because the students will not refrain from "grinding" during slow dances. Ms. Hoskins has tried everything short of limiting the music selection to polkas and the Texas two-step but all to no avail. "Our students dance like they were magnetized" one teacher lamented. Unable to pry the boys away from the girls and, convinced that dirty dancing is called dirty for a reason, cancelling the big winter dance was the school's only recourse.
Grinding played a major role in the sex life of the denizens of St. Nicholas of Tolentine parish in the Bronx. Actually it was my entire sex life for all of high school. Outside of an intimate moment with a stranger on an overcrowded subway, rubbing against a real live girl in the school gym was as good as it got. Our dances were heavily chaperoned (something like one parent per couple) but we were nevertheless able to get pretty close for brief periods. Some girls were convinced that this activity would lead to pregnancy (a bit of misinformation the nuns did nothing to correct) but most of the girls were semi-willing participants. The idea of cancelling our dances due to slow-dance contact would be like cancelling skiing due to snow.
Ms. Hoskins, we beg you to reconsider. If you are concerned about full body contact, encourage the girls to wear a catcher's chest protector or prohibit the boys from showering a week before the dance. Better yet hire the Mormon Tabernacle Choir as the house band. Catchy!
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Shave and a Haircut ...ten years
Oh those Amish! Twelve members of a breakaway (read: lunatic) Amish sect were arrested and charged by the FBI with a hate crime. It seems that Samuel Mullet (that's really his name) and a group of his followers have been attacking other Amish folk and cutting their beards and hair. (Presumably it was the men who were being de-bearded and the women scalped but the story doesn't specify.) Also unclear is the nature of the unauthorized barbering. In a perfect world the top of the head or the center of the beard would be left long and the sides cut close. Reverend Mullet was assisted by Brother Soulpatch who left the men with only a small square of beard just below the lip. Also charged in this dastardly deed were Brother Bob, Brother Buzzcut and his crew, Reverand Moptop, and Sister Pixie. Sister Helmet-head was not with the attackers which explains why none of the women looked like Callista Gingrich.
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How Can They Tell?
Mexico City has closed its main city dump which , in its heyday (can a dump have a heyday?) recieved 12,000 tons of trash every day. The dump was closed because it was bigger than Mexico City itself. "People couldn't tell which was the dump and which was the city" said Mayor Marcelo Ebrard. "Actually the dump smelled a little bit better and the food was much better" said the Mayor. The dump had fallen on hard times recently because citizens were being encouraged to take a bag of garbage over the border when they entered the US illegally. Why not?" said Mayor Ebrard. "It helps us at home and the bags can be used as floatation devices. It's a Win-Win."
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Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
...or is the Catholic Church universally guilty of inappropriate behavior?
Another country heard from. The Catholic Church in the Netherlands has been deluged (how biblical) with complaints of child molestation and abuse. From 1945 to 1981, between 10,000 and 20,000 children were abused in seminaries, boarding schools and orphanages. The Dutch commission has identified hundreds of priests involved both in the abuses and the cover-ups. Once again the Church in Rome offered its scripted heartfelt apologies and meaningless mea culpas. Once again no police were notified. Once again no priest or bishop was publicly arrested. Once again no bishop was expelled. Once again no offer to surrender Church files or documents was made. In other words the Holy Roman Catholic Church remains the largest fraud in the history of religion. Their "heartfelt apology" is worse than useless. The charlatans in Rome will wring their hands and bow their heads until the headlines fade. At that point they will return to business as usual, which is covering-up; hiding the proof of crime and hoping the fools who still occupy the pews on Sunday will believe their lies and misdirection...until the next country is heard from.
If anyone out there is offended...tough. The world has been forced to choke down one horrific scenario of abuse after another. Their pattern, like the perpatrators', never changes. Anyone who thought the crimes of pedophile priests were confined to the United States, Ireland, or Germany is probably foolish enough to believe that The Netherlands will be the end. It won't.
If anyone out there is offended...tough. The world has been forced to choke down one horrific scenario of abuse after another. Their pattern, like the perpatrators', never changes. Anyone who thought the crimes of pedophile priests were confined to the United States, Ireland, or Germany is probably foolish enough to believe that The Netherlands will be the end. It won't.
...or is it possible to feel sorry for a man who's worth $150 million?
I admit it. I feel sorry for Mitt Romney. I want to send him a fruit basket...or a Vermont Teddy Bear...or an autographed photo of Rodney Dangerfield. Honestly, Romney is the tomato soup of the Republican buffet; everybody likes it but something else always looks tastier.
On paper he would appear to have all the qualifications to be a lock as the GOP standard-bearer. He comes from the aristocracy. (His father was governor of Michigan and one-time Presidential hopeful.) His educational creds are impeccable. (Harvard MBA and law degree which he earned concurrently.) Business success at Bain Capital where he earned what the IRS categorized as "a shitload of cash". He rescued the 2002 Winter Olympics from a payola scandal that, even by Olympic standards, was horrific. (Japan and Korea finished one/two in the "See Who Can Stuff More Cash and Prizes into Your Suitcase" event.) He got the good people of Massachusetts to elect him their governor...as a Republican. That's like Kansas electing Bill Ayers as its senator.
Short of discovering a cure for cancer or managing the Cubs to a World Series, it's hard to imagine what else this guy needs to do. Hell, he even looks the part.
There are kids in college who can't remember a time when Mitt Romney wasn't running for or running something. Persistence alone should account for something. He barely had time to change his "Romney in 2008" posters to "Romney 2012" before he was back out on the campaign trail. Politicians will tell you that the run for President is a marathon not a sprint but Mitt has turned it into an odyssey. One suspects the book for 2012 will be "the Making of the President 2012" by Homer.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want Mitt Romney to beat Barack Obama next year. Heaven forefend. It might be nice however, to see a candidate for president from the Republican party who doesn't look like one of the horrors on Fear Factor. Watching the election returns with one hand clutching my passport is not the way I wish to spend Nov 6, 2012. At least Mitt Romney doesn't speak and act like someone in need of a rabies test.
Why is this man getting no love? Is it like happily married men attending the show at Stringfellows? Hey, where's the harm in a little flirtation or fantasizing? I'm not going anywhere with these bimbos. I'm just imagining. Similarly, no rational Republican (oxymoron anyone?) would seriously consider voting for Michele Bachmann or Newt Gingrigh in a "real" election. It might be sexually stimulating to dream of a president hiring black school kids as janitors or demanding Ronald Reagan's bust on Mt. Rushmore but not really. A President should sound measured, thoughtful, intelligent. Most of the competitors in the GOP race sound like Fox News auditions for Glenn Beck's job. Enter Mitt Romney.
It can't be that Romney is a Mormon. America's Christians should be thrilled that any President attends a church of any kind. The only time any of the last five or six Presidents went to church was to pray that some scandal would blow over. Even the Obamas, who went to church regularly in Chicago (remember Rev. Wright?) sneak out of the White House for dinner on Saturday, not services on Sunday. Romney's Mormon faith may be the only thing he hasn't reinvented, reconsidered or reversed since his campaigning began. That should account for something. If Massachusetts didn't care why should Kansas or Iowa?
Anyway, the reinvigoration of Ron Paul's campaign should alert Republicans that they have reached the bottom of the peanut butter jar. What's next: Rick Santorum? Herman Cain redux?
Republicans should be careful that Romney doesn't drop out after Iowa. What then? Maybe it's like Chutes and Ladders; when you have to start over from the beginning. Paging Mitch Daniels! Anyone seen Donald Trump?
On paper he would appear to have all the qualifications to be a lock as the GOP standard-bearer. He comes from the aristocracy. (His father was governor of Michigan and one-time Presidential hopeful.) His educational creds are impeccable. (Harvard MBA and law degree which he earned concurrently.) Business success at Bain Capital where he earned what the IRS categorized as "a shitload of cash". He rescued the 2002 Winter Olympics from a payola scandal that, even by Olympic standards, was horrific. (Japan and Korea finished one/two in the "See Who Can Stuff More Cash and Prizes into Your Suitcase" event.) He got the good people of Massachusetts to elect him their governor...as a Republican. That's like Kansas electing Bill Ayers as its senator.
Short of discovering a cure for cancer or managing the Cubs to a World Series, it's hard to imagine what else this guy needs to do. Hell, he even looks the part.
There are kids in college who can't remember a time when Mitt Romney wasn't running for or running something. Persistence alone should account for something. He barely had time to change his "Romney in 2008" posters to "Romney 2012" before he was back out on the campaign trail. Politicians will tell you that the run for President is a marathon not a sprint but Mitt has turned it into an odyssey. One suspects the book for 2012 will be "the Making of the President 2012" by Homer.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want Mitt Romney to beat Barack Obama next year. Heaven forefend. It might be nice however, to see a candidate for president from the Republican party who doesn't look like one of the horrors on Fear Factor. Watching the election returns with one hand clutching my passport is not the way I wish to spend Nov 6, 2012. At least Mitt Romney doesn't speak and act like someone in need of a rabies test.
Why is this man getting no love? Is it like happily married men attending the show at Stringfellows? Hey, where's the harm in a little flirtation or fantasizing? I'm not going anywhere with these bimbos. I'm just imagining. Similarly, no rational Republican (oxymoron anyone?) would seriously consider voting for Michele Bachmann or Newt Gingrigh in a "real" election. It might be sexually stimulating to dream of a president hiring black school kids as janitors or demanding Ronald Reagan's bust on Mt. Rushmore but not really. A President should sound measured, thoughtful, intelligent. Most of the competitors in the GOP race sound like Fox News auditions for Glenn Beck's job. Enter Mitt Romney.
It can't be that Romney is a Mormon. America's Christians should be thrilled that any President attends a church of any kind. The only time any of the last five or six Presidents went to church was to pray that some scandal would blow over. Even the Obamas, who went to church regularly in Chicago (remember Rev. Wright?) sneak out of the White House for dinner on Saturday, not services on Sunday. Romney's Mormon faith may be the only thing he hasn't reinvented, reconsidered or reversed since his campaigning began. That should account for something. If Massachusetts didn't care why should Kansas or Iowa?
Anyway, the reinvigoration of Ron Paul's campaign should alert Republicans that they have reached the bottom of the peanut butter jar. What's next: Rick Santorum? Herman Cain redux?
Republicans should be careful that Romney doesn't drop out after Iowa. What then? Maybe it's like Chutes and Ladders; when you have to start over from the beginning. Paging Mitch Daniels! Anyone seen Donald Trump?
Monday, December 19, 2011
...or are the Republican debates running longer than Gunsmoke?
OK, what'd I miss?
It's been almost two months since last we spoke. In that time forty-three Republican presidential candidates have come and gone. When you look at the stage during any one of the recent debates, all you can see is Haley Joel Osment saying "I see dead people". Strangely though, the dead people aren't the same from week to week. The GOP has more personalities than Sybil and, like Sybil, most are bats**t crazy.
The flavor du jour is Newt Gingrich. Unlike his competitors, about whom one hears good and bad, the feelings about Gingrich are universal...everyone and I mean everyone hates him. Former Republican Congressmen who served during Newt's reign as Speaker in the 90's would rather support Dennis Kucinich. Should Gingrich be nominated, rank and file GOP strategists are already developing a Plan B. It's called "Christie 2016".
Gingrich has a political and personal past that would keep Danielle Steele in business for twenty years. The man had to open a branch closet to accommodate all the skeletons. He is running with more baggage than a porter on the Queen Mary. O. J. Simpson is sitting in a jail cell saying "Jeez maybe I could run".
Most of America has previewed the highlights. As a womanizing philanderer (three marriages, two affairs) he makes Bill Clinton look like a Trappist Monk. As a political leader, he allowed the government to be shut down and fled the House on the heels of an ethics scandal that came close to expulsion-worthy. His mea culpa (sort of) goes like this "I've made mistakes..." No kidding. If Newt were an entertainer he'd be Lindsey Lohan.
But you don't need to revisit Newt's past to find reasons to be repelled. His recent pronouncements are just as troubling. During a recent visit to that Fifth Ave. kingmaker Donald Trump (what's with that?) Gingrich allowed that poor kids (read, poor black kids) grow up in environments where no one goes to work. He suggested that these tykes be hired to scour toilets and mop floors as a way of learning a work ethic. No doubt they will also acquire the skills that will serve them well in the only career for which they are culturally suited. Newt stopped short of including tap dancing in his curriculum.
Forget the blatant racism and the incredible insensitivity inherent in this "plan". Ask yourself what sort of candidate for national office would say something so offensive? Seriously, would Mitt Romney talk like this? Would George H.W. Bush? Or the sainted Ronald W. Reagan? Hell GWB wouldn't say something so crazy and he was off the reservation 75% of the time. It's not that Newt Gingrich isn't mentally stable enough to be president. He's not mentally stable enough to be president of North Korea. (A job which recently became available.)
The mere fact that Gingrich is leading in the current polls speaks volumes about the present state of affairs in the Grand Old Party. They don't just want to crush Barack Obama, they want to send a message to the world that his liberal policies have been completely and thoroughly rejected by America. We are a Christian, heterosexual, white (except for John Boehner and Donald Trump), native born (no Kenyans please) country and the election of the current President was a horrible aberration. The opinions of Republicans will forever remain unaltered by facts. Barack Obama is a socialist, a gun hater, an appeaser of Muslims, an anti-business redistributor of wealth and a class warrior. These teabaggers are uninterested in listening to any information that contradicts these unshakable truths..so help me Rush.
Tragically, this rabid anti-Obama bile is driving normal Republicans (all 12 of them) to the fringes. So, with a nod to Jeff Foxworthy: If Newt Gingrich looks like a reasonable alternative to Michele Bachmann, you just might be a teabagger. If you think Rick Perry's lack of ability to form complete sentences is part of his charm, you just might be a teabagger. If you're eagerly awaiting Rick Santorum's big moment, you just might be a teabagger. If you think Mitt Romney is the reincarnation of Ted Kennedy, you just might be a teabagger. And finally, if you're content to get all of your nuanced political opinions from Fox News...you are a teabagger...and an asshat.
It's been almost two months since last we spoke. In that time forty-three Republican presidential candidates have come and gone. When you look at the stage during any one of the recent debates, all you can see is Haley Joel Osment saying "I see dead people". Strangely though, the dead people aren't the same from week to week. The GOP has more personalities than Sybil and, like Sybil, most are bats**t crazy.
The flavor du jour is Newt Gingrich. Unlike his competitors, about whom one hears good and bad, the feelings about Gingrich are universal...everyone and I mean everyone hates him. Former Republican Congressmen who served during Newt's reign as Speaker in the 90's would rather support Dennis Kucinich. Should Gingrich be nominated, rank and file GOP strategists are already developing a Plan B. It's called "Christie 2016".
Gingrich has a political and personal past that would keep Danielle Steele in business for twenty years. The man had to open a branch closet to accommodate all the skeletons. He is running with more baggage than a porter on the Queen Mary. O. J. Simpson is sitting in a jail cell saying "Jeez maybe I could run".
Most of America has previewed the highlights. As a womanizing philanderer (three marriages, two affairs) he makes Bill Clinton look like a Trappist Monk. As a political leader, he allowed the government to be shut down and fled the House on the heels of an ethics scandal that came close to expulsion-worthy. His mea culpa (sort of) goes like this "I've made mistakes..." No kidding. If Newt were an entertainer he'd be Lindsey Lohan.
But you don't need to revisit Newt's past to find reasons to be repelled. His recent pronouncements are just as troubling. During a recent visit to that Fifth Ave. kingmaker Donald Trump (what's with that?) Gingrich allowed that poor kids (read, poor black kids) grow up in environments where no one goes to work. He suggested that these tykes be hired to scour toilets and mop floors as a way of learning a work ethic. No doubt they will also acquire the skills that will serve them well in the only career for which they are culturally suited. Newt stopped short of including tap dancing in his curriculum.
Forget the blatant racism and the incredible insensitivity inherent in this "plan". Ask yourself what sort of candidate for national office would say something so offensive? Seriously, would Mitt Romney talk like this? Would George H.W. Bush? Or the sainted Ronald W. Reagan? Hell GWB wouldn't say something so crazy and he was off the reservation 75% of the time. It's not that Newt Gingrich isn't mentally stable enough to be president. He's not mentally stable enough to be president of North Korea. (A job which recently became available.)
The mere fact that Gingrich is leading in the current polls speaks volumes about the present state of affairs in the Grand Old Party. They don't just want to crush Barack Obama, they want to send a message to the world that his liberal policies have been completely and thoroughly rejected by America. We are a Christian, heterosexual, white (except for John Boehner and Donald Trump), native born (no Kenyans please) country and the election of the current President was a horrible aberration. The opinions of Republicans will forever remain unaltered by facts. Barack Obama is a socialist, a gun hater, an appeaser of Muslims, an anti-business redistributor of wealth and a class warrior. These teabaggers are uninterested in listening to any information that contradicts these unshakable truths..so help me Rush.
Tragically, this rabid anti-Obama bile is driving normal Republicans (all 12 of them) to the fringes. So, with a nod to Jeff Foxworthy: If Newt Gingrich looks like a reasonable alternative to Michele Bachmann, you just might be a teabagger. If you think Rick Perry's lack of ability to form complete sentences is part of his charm, you just might be a teabagger. If you're eagerly awaiting Rick Santorum's big moment, you just might be a teabagger. If you think Mitt Romney is the reincarnation of Ted Kennedy, you just might be a teabagger. And finally, if you're content to get all of your nuanced political opinions from Fox News...you are a teabagger...and an asshat.
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