More news you can't use.
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Pope Benedict XVI announced this week that the Catholic Church was closing Limbo. After an 800 year run, the Vatican has decided that unbaptized babies do go to heaven after all. None of the babies in question were available for comment but one can imagine their relief. Less relieved are the thousands of parents of stillborn children who were denied burial in consecrated ground for their babies. Over-organized religion has a lot to answer for.
Having resolved this compelling theological question, the Holy See will begin to unravel the more vexing concept of the infield fly rule.
As long as the Church is in such a wild and crazy mood, how about a re-think on condoms and women in the priesthood.
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A Sudanese man was forced to take a goat as his wife after he was caught having sex with it/her. You cannot make this stuff up!
And you were wondering why these places are referred to as the third world? If everyone in the Sudan was required to marry the barnyard animals with whom they had copulated, there would be a lot more pigs and sheep shopping the bridal dept. at Saks.
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Don Imus will be getting his first Christmas card this year from C. Vivian Stringer, coach of the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team. Thanks to the I man, Ms. Stringer (there's no crying in basketball) is the proud owner of a $450,000 contract extension. Although her success on the court should have been enough to insure a hefty raise, there's little doubt that her martyrdom at the hands of Don Imus provided some additional incentive for the president of her university.
Rutgers could hardly have stiffed the women who gallantly defended her players from a cruel slur that went largely unnoticed when it was first broadcast.
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It is being widely reported that Harry Reid, Democratic Senator from Nevada and Vice President Dick Cheney have been engaged in, what is being called, a war of words. This is significant in that it is the first war in which Mr. Cheney has actually taken an active role. Although the VP was a no show in Vietnam, he apparently feels that a 68 year old Mormon is less likely to inflict grievous bodily harm. And you thought that Cheney left his balls in that undisclosed location after 9/11. Shame on you.
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As most of you have heard by now, Rosie O'Donell is leaving her gig as one of the gabbers on The View. Apparently Rosie wanted a one year deal but ABC wanted her for three.
Never one to remain silent, Donald Trump, the hair piece from hell, opined that Rosie was fired.
Seemingly, no one mentioned to Don that ratings for The View are up 17% since Rosie joined the cast. And how does that compare with the numbers for The Apprentice? I thought you'd never ask. Since his first year in 2003, Trump's overall audience has dropped from 20 million to 10. I guess America's interest in watching a self-important creep trash a bunch of snotty kids in expensive suits has its limits after all.
I understand that you can now purchase the rights to the phrase "You're fired" on ebay right alongside Jimmy Walker's "Dy no mite!" and Hawaii Five O's! "Book 'em Dano".
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
...is the slaughter of 32 kids in Virginia enough for America to stop kissing the ass of the NRA?
Amendment II, United States Constitution
"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."
If you think that this reads like a blanket license to own as many handguns as a third world country, then you have less brains than a head of lettuce or George W. Bush.
I don't claim to know what was in the minds of the founding fathers when the Second Amendment was passed in 1791 but I know this; when the authors of our Constitution wanted to affirm a right or deny an action, they did it.
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion...".
"No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner...".
These amendments seem clear, don't they? No extra words. No intentionally ambiguous language. Why then, if the framers wanted Americans to have an unrestricted license to own firearms, did they insert the phrase, "A well regulated militia, being necessary.." into the second amendment?
The only logical conclusion is that the leaders of this new country wished to make a distinction between arming the populace for the common defense and the arbitrary and unfettered ownership of ordnance. Why is that so difficult to grasp?
No one is suggesting that the tragedy at Virginia Tech would have been averted if the gun laws in Virginia were more stringent. However, the ease with which Seung-Hui Cho was able to purchase two handguns and over 200 rounds of ammunition make the State a facilitator in the crime. The requirements for gun ownership in this country are so lax and porous as to be useless. America is not serious about restricting the purchase of handguns. Period.
Don't look to the White House for leadership or guidance on this issue. Clueless George is too busy trying to repeal the ban on assault weapons in the District of Columbia. That sounds like the single stupidest idea since ...say the invasion of Iraq. Why is there absolutely no political fallout from the attempt to arm Washington's gangs with machine guns? Because, say it with me, America is not serious about restricting the purchase of guns...any guns.
No one has asked for my opinion about gun ownership but as long as you're here, you might as well hear it.
1) Hunters can keep their rifles and shotguns. (I know that's big of me) I'm not a hunter but I get it. Most hunters are obsessively careful about the storage of their weapons anyway.
2) No one gets to carry a handgun or keep one in their home. If you like to shoot targets leave the gun at the range. If you get caught with a gun in your home you do three months in a county jail. People who think they need guns for protection, be my guest, but if you get caught you're going inside.
This includes the police department. Whoever dreamed up the idea of cops being on duty 24 hours a day never spent any time in a cop bar. Knowing that most of these inebriates are armed to the teeth is a sobering thought. Why should a police officer carry a concealed weapon at all times? Are sanitation workers required to pick up trash wherever and whenever they see it? Are teachers compelled to point out the historical inaccuracies of a movie while at a matinee? The police should be allowed to be as stupid and unruly as the rest of us without the fear of a .38 caliber exclamation point to an argument. Leave the gun at work.
3) Stop imports. We have plenty of companies dealing death in the US without help from Glock and Beretta.
4) We should begin to help Smith and Wesson and Remington get into a new line of manufacture. They can make rifles and shotguns as well as handguns for law enforcement and the military but only under contract and in limited supply.
5) Every advance in technology so far thwarted by the NRA should be adopted and implemented including gun registration, tagging the chemical composition of gun powder and, adopting fingerprint-recognition for gun triggers. Every gun gets registered. Every bullet for every weapon gets registered.
Wake up America. Guns kill people and the ease of purchase in this country makes the carnage at Columbine and Virginia Tech too easy and too frequent. We put millions of guns in the hands of our citizens and then affect shock when someone points one at another human being. At the risk of appearing insensitive, I suggest that the mourners currently decorating the Blacksburg campus with flowers begin to demonstrate at the Fairfax, VA home of the NRA. Get angry, people or get ready for the next tragedy.
"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."
If you think that this reads like a blanket license to own as many handguns as a third world country, then you have less brains than a head of lettuce or George W. Bush.
I don't claim to know what was in the minds of the founding fathers when the Second Amendment was passed in 1791 but I know this; when the authors of our Constitution wanted to affirm a right or deny an action, they did it.
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion...".
"No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner...".
These amendments seem clear, don't they? No extra words. No intentionally ambiguous language. Why then, if the framers wanted Americans to have an unrestricted license to own firearms, did they insert the phrase, "A well regulated militia, being necessary.." into the second amendment?
The only logical conclusion is that the leaders of this new country wished to make a distinction between arming the populace for the common defense and the arbitrary and unfettered ownership of ordnance. Why is that so difficult to grasp?
No one is suggesting that the tragedy at Virginia Tech would have been averted if the gun laws in Virginia were more stringent. However, the ease with which Seung-Hui Cho was able to purchase two handguns and over 200 rounds of ammunition make the State a facilitator in the crime. The requirements for gun ownership in this country are so lax and porous as to be useless. America is not serious about restricting the purchase of handguns. Period.
Don't look to the White House for leadership or guidance on this issue. Clueless George is too busy trying to repeal the ban on assault weapons in the District of Columbia. That sounds like the single stupidest idea since ...say the invasion of Iraq. Why is there absolutely no political fallout from the attempt to arm Washington's gangs with machine guns? Because, say it with me, America is not serious about restricting the purchase of guns...any guns.
No one has asked for my opinion about gun ownership but as long as you're here, you might as well hear it.
1) Hunters can keep their rifles and shotguns. (I know that's big of me) I'm not a hunter but I get it. Most hunters are obsessively careful about the storage of their weapons anyway.
2) No one gets to carry a handgun or keep one in their home. If you like to shoot targets leave the gun at the range. If you get caught with a gun in your home you do three months in a county jail. People who think they need guns for protection, be my guest, but if you get caught you're going inside.
This includes the police department. Whoever dreamed up the idea of cops being on duty 24 hours a day never spent any time in a cop bar. Knowing that most of these inebriates are armed to the teeth is a sobering thought. Why should a police officer carry a concealed weapon at all times? Are sanitation workers required to pick up trash wherever and whenever they see it? Are teachers compelled to point out the historical inaccuracies of a movie while at a matinee? The police should be allowed to be as stupid and unruly as the rest of us without the fear of a .38 caliber exclamation point to an argument. Leave the gun at work.
3) Stop imports. We have plenty of companies dealing death in the US without help from Glock and Beretta.
4) We should begin to help Smith and Wesson and Remington get into a new line of manufacture. They can make rifles and shotguns as well as handguns for law enforcement and the military but only under contract and in limited supply.
5) Every advance in technology so far thwarted by the NRA should be adopted and implemented including gun registration, tagging the chemical composition of gun powder and, adopting fingerprint-recognition for gun triggers. Every gun gets registered. Every bullet for every weapon gets registered.
Wake up America. Guns kill people and the ease of purchase in this country makes the carnage at Columbine and Virginia Tech too easy and too frequent. We put millions of guns in the hands of our citizens and then affect shock when someone points one at another human being. At the risk of appearing insensitive, I suggest that the mourners currently decorating the Blacksburg campus with flowers begin to demonstrate at the Fairfax, VA home of the NRA. Get angry, people or get ready for the next tragedy.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
...or did these stories slip past?
There are no slow news days, only slow bloggers.
Item
George Christian, executive director of the Library Connection, has denied the FBI access to library records in the Hartford, Conn. area. Well, hats off to George. Who would have guessed that one librarian in New England would have more balls that the entire 535 members of Congress (Nancy Pelosi notwithstanding).
The Patriot Act is the worst single piece of legislation since the Alien and Sedition Laws enacted under John Adams. The Bush administration used the attack on 9/11 to enact a draconian set of abridgments to American freedom and repeal is long overdue.
Mr. Christian was quoted as stating that freedom of speech is still alive and well in Connecticut. There is, however, still no talking in the library. Shhhhhhhhhhh!
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The Department of Defense has extended the tour of duty of soldiers serving in Iraq from twelve to fifteen months. If that doesn't sound like a big deal to you than you have never served in an overseas assignment in the military.
From the moment a soldier or Marine sets one boot down in-country, they start counting down the days until they arrive at what used to be called, the "big wake-up" to go home. Having only a few weeks before leaving was known as being "short" and it was the best feeling there was. To have your time in-country extended by three months is about as demoralizing as getting a "Dear John/Joan" letter (or maybe it's a "Dear John/Joan" e-mail now). Anyway it sucks big time and it's a lousy thing to do to the kids that volunteered for this disaster. Shame on Don Rumsfeld and George Bush for trying to fight this war on the cheap.
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The paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's estate has been narrowed down to one blond a-hole. It appears that Anna Nicole had more boobs in her life than the two double D's she was buried with. Call me old fashioned but should it really take the combined scientific resources of two continents to discover the identity of this child's father? Why not just advise all parties that there is absolutely no money involved then wait to see who doesn't head for the airport? He's the dad.
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Ted Haggard is still straight after more than two months. Praise God and pass the Appletinis. Witnesses say that, during a prayer meeting in Madill, Oklahoma, Rev. Haggard jumped to his feet and ceremoniously burned his Judy Garland cd's and reduced his pink golf shirts to ashes. Unfortunately, repeated prayers have failed to miraculously heal the earring hole in his right ear. We're pulling for you Rev.
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Because of the equal time rule in political campaigns, the producers of Law & Order might be required to shelve any episode featuring possible presidential candidate Fred Thompson as NY District Attorney Arthur Branch.
In a related story, the presidential candidacy of Rep. Dennis Kucinich is causing the Cartoon Network to consider suspending future episodes of Sponge Bob Squarepants.
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For you Fordham fans out there, attend the tale of Daniel Gross, third year law student at FU School of Law and a latter day Norma Rae. Gross is a former barista, that's a guy who earns beans for cooking up cups of coffee at Starbucks that cost more than the GNP of Brazil. (I thought that a barista was a South American lawyer.)
Anyway Daniel is trying to organize the employees of Starbucks to join the Starbucks Workers Union, an affiliate of the IWW. (Who knew they were still around?). This idea is about as popular with Starbucks as ten cent latte. In a Stepford-like response to inquiries, Starbucks claims to "respect" the right of "partners" (Starbucks-speak for employees) to organize. Of course they do. They also respect the rights of employees to get their union-joining asses over to Carabou and apply for a job there.
Companies like Starbucks can't exist without an army of part time, semi-skilled workers who get few benefits and have no rights. Unlike Circuit City, a company that unconscionably fired many of it's higher paid employees because they were highly paid (compared to a homeless person), Starbucks can't claim that competition is forcing them to cut costs. They make more on a cup of pretentious, cold coffee than a movie theater does on a large popcorn.
So man the barricades. Let's all line up behind Daniel Gross and his band of pseudo-socialists. Stand up America! You have nothing to lose but your decaf, double shot dulce de leche latte. No foam please.
Item
George Christian, executive director of the Library Connection, has denied the FBI access to library records in the Hartford, Conn. area. Well, hats off to George. Who would have guessed that one librarian in New England would have more balls that the entire 535 members of Congress (Nancy Pelosi notwithstanding).
The Patriot Act is the worst single piece of legislation since the Alien and Sedition Laws enacted under John Adams. The Bush administration used the attack on 9/11 to enact a draconian set of abridgments to American freedom and repeal is long overdue.
Mr. Christian was quoted as stating that freedom of speech is still alive and well in Connecticut. There is, however, still no talking in the library. Shhhhhhhhhhh!
___________________________________________________________________
Item
The Department of Defense has extended the tour of duty of soldiers serving in Iraq from twelve to fifteen months. If that doesn't sound like a big deal to you than you have never served in an overseas assignment in the military.
From the moment a soldier or Marine sets one boot down in-country, they start counting down the days until they arrive at what used to be called, the "big wake-up" to go home. Having only a few weeks before leaving was known as being "short" and it was the best feeling there was. To have your time in-country extended by three months is about as demoralizing as getting a "Dear John/Joan" letter (or maybe it's a "Dear John/Joan" e-mail now). Anyway it sucks big time and it's a lousy thing to do to the kids that volunteered for this disaster. Shame on Don Rumsfeld and George Bush for trying to fight this war on the cheap.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
The paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's estate has been narrowed down to one blond a-hole. It appears that Anna Nicole had more boobs in her life than the two double D's she was buried with. Call me old fashioned but should it really take the combined scientific resources of two continents to discover the identity of this child's father? Why not just advise all parties that there is absolutely no money involved then wait to see who doesn't head for the airport? He's the dad.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Ted Haggard is still straight after more than two months. Praise God and pass the Appletinis. Witnesses say that, during a prayer meeting in Madill, Oklahoma, Rev. Haggard jumped to his feet and ceremoniously burned his Judy Garland cd's and reduced his pink golf shirts to ashes. Unfortunately, repeated prayers have failed to miraculously heal the earring hole in his right ear. We're pulling for you Rev.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
Because of the equal time rule in political campaigns, the producers of Law & Order might be required to shelve any episode featuring possible presidential candidate Fred Thompson as NY District Attorney Arthur Branch.
In a related story, the presidential candidacy of Rep. Dennis Kucinich is causing the Cartoon Network to consider suspending future episodes of Sponge Bob Squarepants.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
For you Fordham fans out there, attend the tale of Daniel Gross, third year law student at FU School of Law and a latter day Norma Rae. Gross is a former barista, that's a guy who earns beans for cooking up cups of coffee at Starbucks that cost more than the GNP of Brazil. (I thought that a barista was a South American lawyer.)
Anyway Daniel is trying to organize the employees of Starbucks to join the Starbucks Workers Union, an affiliate of the IWW. (Who knew they were still around?). This idea is about as popular with Starbucks as ten cent latte. In a Stepford-like response to inquiries, Starbucks claims to "respect" the right of "partners" (Starbucks-speak for employees) to organize. Of course they do. They also respect the rights of employees to get their union-joining asses over to Carabou and apply for a job there.
Companies like Starbucks can't exist without an army of part time, semi-skilled workers who get few benefits and have no rights. Unlike Circuit City, a company that unconscionably fired many of it's higher paid employees because they were highly paid (compared to a homeless person), Starbucks can't claim that competition is forcing them to cut costs. They make more on a cup of pretentious, cold coffee than a movie theater does on a large popcorn.
So man the barricades. Let's all line up behind Daniel Gross and his band of pseudo-socialists. Stand up America! You have nothing to lose but your decaf, double shot dulce de leche latte. No foam please.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
...or are we done with roasting Don Imus?
Enough already!
The Washington Post actually carried three separate stories on Wednesday about America's latest "offensive racial slur". The Pope wouldn't get this much ink if he announced that he planned to marry Madeline Albright.
Imus has been doing offensive humor for his entire radio career. It's the only thing moderately amusing about the show. Listening to Imus and his sidekicks poke fun at Al Sharpton, Rush Limbaugh and Woody Allen (not to mention the current and past New York Archbishops) was blessed relief from the ramblings of Imus' brother Fred and endless, insufferable dissertations on the intelligence of Imus' wife and son.
The level of outrage in the black community is, as it has been before, out of all proportion to the event. Al Sharpton was on the airwaves faster than you can say Tawana Brawley. Jesse Jackson, a little slower than he used to be, was picketing in front of CBS in plenty of time to make the six o'clock news. The coach of the rightfully offended Rutgers Women's Basketball team was actually crying during her televised statement. (There's no crying in basketball!)
This offense just does not rise to the level of Abner Louima or Amadou Diallo. Although I do not have the right to decide what will offend someone else, neither should Jesse and Al decide what offends ten women basketball players from New Jersey.
Now before you all insist that I have my liberal credentials re-validated, hear me out. Intent matters. How you say something, who says it and the circumstance under which you say it matters. If someone yells a racial or ethnic epithet at you in traffic, do you cry? Of course not. You flip them the bird and continue driving. If Chris Rock had said this on the Imus show, there would be no story and no apology.
However when Mel Gibson opines that Jews are the cause of all wars and directs that statement to a Jewish cop, the cop should be offended and by extension, so should the Jewish Community.
Imus thinks that if you are outrageous enough over a long period of time and if you attack all racial and ethnic groups equally no one will take offense. "We kid because we love". I'm guessing that a lot of people sitting in the front row of Don Rickles' concert were plenty offended but, hey, we're only kidding.
Whether Don Imus is a racist is entirely beside the point. Whether I'm an alcoholic or not, if I drink too much and throw up in your car, I can expect consequences. There are lines in comedy and Imus crossed one. He is now paying the price. Let's move on. By the way, can you imagine the size of the bouquet of roses that Albert Gonzales sent to Imus for taking him off the front page for a week?
The Washington Post actually carried three separate stories on Wednesday about America's latest "offensive racial slur". The Pope wouldn't get this much ink if he announced that he planned to marry Madeline Albright.
Imus has been doing offensive humor for his entire radio career. It's the only thing moderately amusing about the show. Listening to Imus and his sidekicks poke fun at Al Sharpton, Rush Limbaugh and Woody Allen (not to mention the current and past New York Archbishops) was blessed relief from the ramblings of Imus' brother Fred and endless, insufferable dissertations on the intelligence of Imus' wife and son.
The level of outrage in the black community is, as it has been before, out of all proportion to the event. Al Sharpton was on the airwaves faster than you can say Tawana Brawley. Jesse Jackson, a little slower than he used to be, was picketing in front of CBS in plenty of time to make the six o'clock news. The coach of the rightfully offended Rutgers Women's Basketball team was actually crying during her televised statement. (There's no crying in basketball!)
This offense just does not rise to the level of Abner Louima or Amadou Diallo. Although I do not have the right to decide what will offend someone else, neither should Jesse and Al decide what offends ten women basketball players from New Jersey.
Now before you all insist that I have my liberal credentials re-validated, hear me out. Intent matters. How you say something, who says it and the circumstance under which you say it matters. If someone yells a racial or ethnic epithet at you in traffic, do you cry? Of course not. You flip them the bird and continue driving. If Chris Rock had said this on the Imus show, there would be no story and no apology.
However when Mel Gibson opines that Jews are the cause of all wars and directs that statement to a Jewish cop, the cop should be offended and by extension, so should the Jewish Community.
Imus thinks that if you are outrageous enough over a long period of time and if you attack all racial and ethnic groups equally no one will take offense. "We kid because we love". I'm guessing that a lot of people sitting in the front row of Don Rickles' concert were plenty offended but, hey, we're only kidding.
Whether Don Imus is a racist is entirely beside the point. Whether I'm an alcoholic or not, if I drink too much and throw up in your car, I can expect consequences. There are lines in comedy and Imus crossed one. He is now paying the price. Let's move on. By the way, can you imagine the size of the bouquet of roses that Albert Gonzales sent to Imus for taking him off the front page for a week?
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