...or are we the country that put the "ass" in aspirational?

Stuff I discovered while searching for movie timetables:

John Tyner, a 31 year old software engineer made the big time on Youtube last week. John was passing through the airport in San Diego on his way to a vacation in South Dakota (clearly North Dakota was full-up) when he took it into his head to object to security screening. The fact that he recorded the entire episode on his phone indicates a willful intent to be a pain in the ass. Having rejected a full body scan (perhaps he's anatomically incorrect) he also objected to a pat down. His choice of catchphrase was "if you touch my junk I'll have you arrested". Not exactly "Give me liberty or give me death" but you go with what's handy.

Let's forget for the moment that this Dilbert-like dweeb couldn't get someone to fondle his berries if he had a hundred dollar bill behind his ear in Bangkok on a Saturday night. What was this guy thinking? "If I act like a jerk maybe they'll let me go through unmolested?" Was this a stand for human dignity? A stunt to achieve internet stardom? What Mr. Tyner achieved, aside from cult status as a punchline, was ejection from the San Diego airport and an investigation by the TSA that could cost him $11,000 in fines. Hey, I don't want to go to South Dakota either but I'm not prepared to fight Uncle Sam. Anyway, I hope Mr. Tyner is enjoying his fifteen minutes. Having gone home with his testicles unfondled, this is clearly not the textbook definition of a happy ending.

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Lisa Murkowski, current and future Senator from Alaska, stated this week that, in her view, Sarah Palin lacked the intellectual curiosity to be president. A quick Google search revealed that this was the first time in three years Ms. Palin's name and the word intellectual appeared in the same sentence.

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George W. Bush wrote a book about his eight years as President. (Insert you own joke here)

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The Wakefield Track and Field Team of Wakefield Mass had to recall their team shirts after the somewhat clueless coaches and parents discovered the colloquial meaning of WTF. An expression of sympathy was immediately dispatched from the Sam Houston Institute of Technology.

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Charlie Sheen appeared unfazed after he was discovered in a New York hotel room drunk and naked with a porn actress hiding in the bathroom. (And haven't we all been there?)"If a guy has one bad night, everybody goes insane and panics" said Sheen. If OJ had thought of that defense he'd be a free man today.

Ratings for Sheen's "Two and a Half Men" are still in the top ten. I love America. If Lindsay Lohan gets a speeding ticket, everybody and their mother (but not her mother) wants to have an intervention. Charlie S. gets to treat a hotel room like a battalion of English soccer fans and...nothing. Maybe it's a double standard or maybe Ms. Lohan needs to play a TV character who drinks like Richard Burton, drives like Nick Nolte, has a patter like Mel Gibson, abuses drugs like Keith Richards and has the morals of, say, Charlie Sheen. They could call it "CSI, Betty Ford".

......or might Texas be the first state asked to leave the Union?

I'm sure if we asked them nicely, they'd go. After all, Texans don't appear very happy with their current national affiliation. Statehood seems not to their liking. Too many regulations. Too many taxes. Too few guns. If state's rights is such an important issue to Texas, maybe we could arrange for the ultimate state right: you can be your own country.


This particular rant comes in response to the recent book written by Texas' own Governor Rick Perry. It appears Gov. Perry has his Texas-sized knickers in a bunch over the endless stream of regulations, orders and no-so-subtle requests emanating from Washington, District of Columbia.

The Governor believes that each state ought to have maximum sovereignty over how its citizens comport themselves. If Texans want to stop on green and go on red, who's to tell them otherwise? OK Texas, you're on your own.

This isn't as crazy as it sounds. If Texas is a sovereign state, illegals would have to cross an additional 790 miles to reach the United States. Oklahoma would be a border state and therefore have something else to worry about aside from Sharia law. Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, would be just another annoying foreigner. College students who have trouble paying for studies abroad could study at UT, Austin. The Mexican drug cartels could cross the border into the Democratic Republic of Texas without worrying about the displeasure of the U.S. Army. Texas could execute as many prisoners as they wish without spoil-sport documents like the Constitution ruining the fun. Hell, they wouldn't even need trials...stupid waste of money anyway.

Rick Perry, Texas' current governor, could declare himself king or czar or sheriff. He could pass laws ensuring that every citizen went armed all the time. He could abolish helmet laws, drinking age limits, seatbelts, traffic lights, speed limits and protect every citizen's right to salt the bejeeses out of his food. No more Washington to tell honest, God-fearing Texans how to live. FDA? Who needs it? Dept. of Education? Not on your life. We here in Texas believe in creationism. Climate change? Not in the Lone Star State. Down here we have two seasons: hot and hotter.



Of course without the annual handout from Uncle Sam (Texas sends the federal government about .83 cents for every dollar going the other way) Texas would need to create a state income tax. Whatever minimal infrastructure needs might arise, such as repairing the Texas portion of I-10 or I-20 or I-30 would require Texans to pony up. Texas would need its own army and navy to keep those nasty Latinos on their side of the border and of course, responsibility for border security would fall to them. No more federal subsidies for cattle ranchers or farmers and no more Pell Grants or subsidies for the university system.


The rest of America would lose something also. The colleges of the U.S. would need to rely almost exclusively on Pennsylvania, Ohio and California for high school football players. Cowboy boots might no longer be a fashion statement. Textbooks for America's schools would be crafted by moderate educators whose agenda isn't Christian, right-wing ideology. In other words: smart people. Also America will lose that irritating whine that emerges from the South every time an attempt is made to improve the quality of life in the country. Now if only we could jettison South Carolina.


Be careful what you wish for, Governor Perry. Secession might play well with the Smith & Wesson set but in the end you'll discover that having a federal government to blame for everything is a whole lot better than having everyone pointing at you. A little less salt is a small price to pay for all that federal sugar.

...or is the only difference between the Fox News Christmas party and the GOP Convention, Beck dressed as Santa?

Dateline:


Wednesday, November 3, 2010. 729 days until the 2012 election.


If you look hard enough, there's a lot to love about Tuesday's election. Lemonade still comes from lemons and elephant droppings can still make the flowers grow. You don't need Annie to tell you the sun will come out tomorrow. Some folks are happy already. John Boehner's coloring is just a little brighter this morning. The people of Arkansas, West Virginia, and Wisconsin are enjoying their 15 minutes of glory. On Thursday it's back to fly-over status for you. They know that the only time anyone will give a rat's ass about their state is if one of their college teams cracks the top ten or someone shoots up a 7-11.

Besides, we've heard this tune before. The cardinal archbishops of ex-presidents, i.e. Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton, both suffered big losses in their first midterms. It only makes sense. You run on a platform of making things better. When things don't get noticeably better (in the first twenty minutes after the inauguration) the country rebels and wants to punish your party. Incumbents suffer because decisions they made are easily attacked...usually by people who have never been called on to make the same decisions. Voila! Behold the tsunami.

However, the really good news is that after two years of Fox News telling the country how angry it is and how any bag of doorknobs would be better than the Democrats, many Americans were able to resist. After all, nothing could be so bad that Christine O'Donnell looks good. Exactly how far do you have to fall before this woman looks like your salvation? Apparently 40% of Delaware feels they've fallen that far. Good news: 40% is not 51%. Bad news: 40% is awfully close to the ledge. If this were a message it was a dangerous one. If you view a vote for Christine as a "no" vote, the medicine goes down a bit easier.

There was good news in Nevada also, where the people weren't quite ready to gamble on a woman who treats reporters like head lice. In a race where Harry Reid's Senate seat was as vulnerable as an unattended stack of chips at the Mirage, the GOP went all in on Sharron Angle ..and crapped out. It appears that the people of Nevada would rather hang with a 23 year Senate veteran as opposed to a woman who sees poultry as legal tender. Imagine, a state with a 14% unemployment rate coming to the conclusion that a little healthcare might be a good idea. Startling!

True, the Senate will still be blessed with Rand Paul but compared to the Real Housewives of Whackadoo County he looks somewhat rational. Anyway, it's not like Kentucky was a hotbed of progressive activism. Kentucky's idea of liberal is allowing black basketball players into Adolph Rupp Arena. Any Democratic victory there would be a gift.

Someone will have to explain West Virginia to me. Must be the miners unions. By all rights WV should be about as Democratic as South Carolina. The fact that Joe Manchin was able to capture the seat formerly occupied by Robert Byrd is a mystery. There might have been a time when legacy mattered but the good people of Massachusetts drove a spike into that idea in 2009. (See headline "Scott Brown Claims Throne of Ted Kennedy".) Whatever the reason, the great state of West Virginia will continue to have two, count them two, Democratic Senators. (They also have two of the three House Members.)

For those of you with fun in your hearts, the Senate has maintained some of its wacky, laugh-a- minute cast of characters. Bernie Sanders, America's only true Socialist, will be doing another six years as Senator from the Peoples Republic of Vermont. David Vitter is returning as Senator from Louisiana, proving once again the "live little boy/dead woman" axiom made famous by Edwin Edwards. Vitter was outed as a regular customer of a D.C. madam way back in 2007. But hey, what's a little prostitution among friends? It's not like he didn't pay for the services.Following in the grand tradition of William Jefferson (he of the cold cash) and David Duke (Klan candidate in 1988 and '92) Vitter proves once again that, in Louisiana, a little mud on your skirts is no impediment to high office. Elliott Spitzer only wishes he'd run for Governor in a state with such a "liberal" attitude.

And so we move forward. Having made a hash out of being the winners, Democrats will now take a crack trying to influence policy rather than craft it. Republicans on the other hand, are in the "be careful what you wish for" position. If the economy improves (Fox will certainly tell America the improvement has started) the GOP will benefit. If not we'll be back here in two years with the added joy of a Presidential race. So stay tuned boys and girls. The first episode of "Survivor, 2012" should start any day. We know you can see Russia from Alaska but can you see Alaska from Iowa?

...or is it possible to have a revolution without being revolting?

At least 200,000 people showed up on the Washington Mall last Saturday. Ostensibly, the reason was to heed the clarion call of Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert, they of Comedy Central. The faithful mostly arrived on public transportation, comported themselves with dignity, watched the show and went home. There was no drinking (that I saw) and only an occasional doob wafting in the fall air. You know it's 2010 when the smell of marijuana causes the assembled multitude to nod in recognition. However, the smell of a tobacco cigarette caused irritation and annoyance. Not many Mad Men fans in the group.

Back to the reason that all those people decided to spend a beautiful Fall Saturday with 200,000 of their fellow humans. I haven't the foggiest. There might be a few Woodstockian parallels. The crowd was mostly young...by my standards anyway. There was a sense of a "happening". The idea that Jon Stewart had created an anti-Glenn Beck event caused younger DC types to want to show up and be counted. It would be nice if they remember that sentiment on Election Day but, if most are students, it's too late to vote back home. They weren't there for the food...Woodstock had better caterers. They weren't there for the music. That was fun but ancillary to the event. It was nice to see Yusuf Islam aka Cat Stevens (Honestly why not just use the name everyone knows?) in his most recent political/religious iteration. The point wasn't the show or the speeches. The comedy was OK but a distraction. The reason was to see how many people Stewart could get to show up. Think: How many people can you stuff into a phone booth times 200,000. Once everybody showed up, well, that was pretty much it. Actually, the visit from Father Guido Sarducci was enough for me.

There were signs everywhere. Some of my favorites are posted above. There was some soft-core politics, some representing a cause but most were just silly funny. The posters were perfect to the occasion: unfocused, random, even confusing. One poster said "God is a Sock". ? It was the national convention of non sequiturs. The universal factor was that everyone was having a good time. Smiles and good cheer were everywhere. There may be troubles aplenty in the Land but you would never know it in this crowd.

And that may have been the point. Stewart's message in his speech was that 24 hour media (read Fox News) fuels the notion that America is at war with itself, at war with President Obama and at war with Congress. Congressional Republicans want to be at war with Congressional Democrats. Democrats believe that Republicans are old, white and in the way. The rally symbolized the fact that a large percentage of the population isn't at war with anybody. If this had been 1968 the rally would have been called a "be in".

So America, see if you can stop being led around by Fox News and MSNBC. Try not letting air-headed chat specialists tell you what to be angry about. See if reading a paper (assuming you can get past the idea that all media is biased...mostly liberal bias) helps you form your own ideas and opinions. Regardless of your IQ, you can't really believe that Glenn Beck knows anything. You really don't think Keith Olbermann has all the answers. Try acting like the money your parents spent on your education didn't all go to waste.

So Stand Up! Go over to the window! Open it up and in a normal speaking voice say " I'm not actually mad at anyone and Rupert Murdoch should not tell me I am". Then close the window and go read a book...and not one of Becks.

...or should "Stop! In the Name of Love" become the new anthem of the Supreme Court?

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...or does America live in a perpetual state of outrage?

I love outrage. Being hot under the collar is what fuels most of the rubbish that appears in these blogs. Give me a good scandal involving Karl Rove, Glenn Beck or pretty much anyone named Cheney and I'm off to the races. I've even been known to malign the occasional Democrat albeit not too often. Nevertheless, despite the pushing and prodding from friends and readers (mostly the same folks) it has been difficult to generate much righteous indignation over the firing last week of Juan Williams by NPR.

For the benefit of anyone who decided to pass on the latest media dust-up, Juan Williams is a news analyst and commentator who was working for NPR and Fox News. His gig at NPR was his real job but as a black man with a sharp tongue and a less-than-liberal persona he was the darling of the Foxies like Chris Wallace, Tucker Carlson and Bill O'Reilly. African Americans who agree with the Fox crowd are as rare as schools actually attended by Christine O'Donnell. Anyway, the NPR crowd apparently hated Williams' cashing checks from Fox. The powers at NPR had repeatedly told Juan to keep his opinions to himself, especially the less liberal ones.


When Williams appeared on Bill O'Reilly's show last week and allowed that Muslims in religious attire make him nervous on airplanes, Vivian Schiller, head of NPR had heard enough. She told Williams to pack up his herringbone jacket with the patches on the elbows and his Meerschaum pipe and get out. She might have accused him of being off the reservation but one must consider the sensitivity of Native Americans.


Predictably, the wing-nut right was in full-throated rage by nightfall. Many were roaring about First Amendment rights of free speech heedless of the fact that the First Amendment only applies to government censorship. No matter. Why let facts urinate on a perfectly good bonfire? Fox was, of course, stunned and chagrined (or maybe chagrined then stunned). After all, hadn't poor Juan only expressed publicly what we all think? Should political correctness trump truth? Don't women in burkas and men in long beards and dresses make you rethink your trip to Duluth?


To the justifiably vexed I submit...Oh grow up! NPR had been hunting Juan Williams head for years. They didn't love his opinions (actually they didn't love that he has opinions) and they hated that he was consorting with Murdoch's Minions of Malice. NPR claims to be completely neutral and bias free. We may suspect that they lean ever so slightly to port but evidence is difficult to locate. (Ever since Alex Keaton's father, we assume NPR is a bunch of hippies masquerading as newspeople.) Because no NPR on-air employees are schlepping to MSNBC at night, few Liberal parallels are likely to surface. NPR has apologized to Williams (actually they apologized to everyone but Williams) but no one believes them and, oh yeah, he's still out.


Fox, never slow to make lemonade, has offered Williams a two million dollar contract to show up at the studio every day and trash NPR. They probably could have gotten him to do that for free. Anyway, Fox's largess prevents us from having to carry "FREE JUAN WILLIAMS" signs in front of NPR's headquarters. We can all be happy that Williams is the first on-air personality signed at Fox in two years that isn't running for President in 2012. Williams should be very happy at Fox. His contract includes 1) freedom to express his opinions, 2) four weeks vacation and, 3) no mandatory flights to anywhere in the Middle East. Also he never has to share an elevator with Dinesh D'Souza.

...or is no one really "great" anymore?

During the rare lull in conversation at Burke's Bar in Yonkers, NY, a good friend of mine, John Patrick Woods, occasionally posits the question as to whether there are any great men or women left in the world. (None of that sports and boobs stuff in my circle.) With no consensus definition of "great"available (The Guinness people are too busy recording the longest kiss or the tallest pile of leaves to help with loftier intellectual pursuits.), we are left with the old description of pornography to whit, I'll know it when I see it. If the majority accepts your greatness without much discussion, you're great.


We can agree on at least one living person: Nelson Mandela. Beyond that, who can say? If you expand the search to the twentieth century living or dead , you might vote for Martin Luther King, Jr., Pope John Paul II, Winston Churchill, Mohandas "Mahatma" Gandhi and maybe Franklin or Eleanor Roosevelt. If you expand the search into the eighteenth century you might include George Washington or Ben Franklin. The problem is if you need to make a case for someone's greatness, acclamation abates. One need not be perfect to be great but when do character flaws (King's romantic issues, Churchill's bigotry, the Pope's protection of pedophile priests) overshadow the achievements? If you have to think about it too much you have already made the point that there aren't many "greats".


This invariably leads my over-educated comrades to a discussion of those throughout history that have had the suffix "the Great" affixed to their name. Mr. Woods has identified some twenty-five such persons whereas Wikipedia lists 112. Most such as, Shapur the Great (Persia), Photius the Great (Constantinople) and Gwanggaeto the Great (Korea) were either local "greats" or pronounced "great" in their own lifetimes usually by their own pronouncement. Several are names you know: Peter the Great, Catherine the Great, Herrod the Great, Pope Leo the Great, Charles the Great (aka Charlemagne), Fredrick the Great, and on and on. Many of us know the names but only historians (and educated patrons of Burke's) know why the moniker.


The title was apparently first used by the Persians. Cyrus II tried it on about 350 BC but Alexander III was the first to have it stick. Since then the name has been attached to butchers, thinkers, statesmen, theologians, popes and one apostle. (Apparently James the Great was so designated to distinguish him from James the Slightly Below Average.) Interestingly, there is only one woman in the group. How or why Catherine II made it to the enduring ranks of the Greats is open to question. She rose to power in a conspiracy against her husband Peter and spent the next 24 years trying to "reform" Russia. No friend of the Conservatives, she vastly increased the size of local governments and attempted to reduce the power of the nobility. Think Nancy Pelosi in a really big bouffant.


Catherine also appears to have the honor of being the last in the line of "Greats"...if you don't count Jackie Gleason, Wayne Gretzky, and Mohammed Ali. After 2,500 years and 112 so-called "greats" we seem to have lost interest. Modern communication technology insures that anyone's greatness last only as long as it takes for the penis pictures to surface. No one looks "great" in those.

...or are we witnessing "Jackass, the Culture"?

At a time when strikes are rampant in Europe, ten percent of Americans are chronically out of work and Nevada is in danger of electing Sharron Angle to the Senate (insert shudder here), the number one movie at the box office last week was..."Jackass 3-D". Don't get me wrong. I like a good groin-kick as much as the next guy...as long at it happens to the next guy. Still, I worry that when choosing a movie, the viewing public rejects "Waiting for Superman" and "Secretariat" in favor of a film devoted to men doing some of the dumbest stunts imaginable. This has to be like watching someone stick a fork in a toaster for 90 minutes. How entertaining can this be?

Apparently pretty entertaining. This is the third iteration of the Jackass franchise and the first one in 3-D. That's quite an oeuvre for a bunch of guys (no women appear dumb enough to do this stuff) whose creative process sounds like "so dude, suppose we have a guy dressed as Santa climb to the top of a giant tree then chop the tree down?" Artistic committee consensus "way cool!"

At first glance these movies are a feature-length ad for the dangers of smoking dope. No sober person would actually try any of these stunts. They're dangerous, pointless and were it not for the performers yucking it up during and after the tricks, might not be that funny. Silly, seemingly life-threatening shtick is only funny in context. When a film character is trapped in a portable john and taken for the ride of his life, that's funny. Mechanically strapping a "actor" into a toilet and slingshotting the thing with bungee cords is contrivance. If you remove the character of Mr. Bean or Inspector Clouseau from the film equation, you are left with a quickly tiresome series of pratfalls.

Anyway, these movies are popular and who am I to dictate to America's youth? After all, we laughed at Pinky Lee and Red Skelton. We thought All in the Family was "edgy" and watching Sanford & Son made you a liberal. Come to think of it, with the world in its current state and the job prospects of today's high school and college graduates maybe all the next generation has to look forward to is a good kick in the balls. They won't even need the glasses.

...or should some devices (bow and arrows, nail guns, cameras) never be pointed at oneself?

On Tuesday of this week (that's today) Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Farve, fresh from a victory over the Cowboys on Sunday, will participate in a little one-on-one with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell at the NFL's headquarters in New York. During this meeting Mr. Farve will discuss: 1) his overall health, 2) the health of his family and, 3) allegations that he "sexted" a photo of his man-parts to a female employee of the New York Jets while he was working as Jets quarterback in 2007. He will be required to explain why a 40 year old married man would feel the need to photograph his nether region and send the result via phone line to a woman who had shown a reluctance to date him. This cringe-producing confession will, in all likelihood, never become public but, armed with my well-developed insight into stupid behavior around women, I'm prepared to offer a possible scenario:

Well, Mr. Commissioner, you're probably wondering why a guy like me with a trunk-full of awards and millions of fans and groupies (not to mention a wife) would decide that the best way to win a woman's heart would be an 4"x 2" picture of Mr. Happy? That's a good question. In hindsight maybe a candygram would have been better. I considered flowers and jewelry but those things just didn't convey the message. After all sir, you have to admit that nothing says love like a snapshot of male genitalia. I was told that body-part photography is all the rage with younger folks and the lady in question is a good ten years younger than me. Who could have guessed that a sweet girl like Jenn Sterger, with a web site full of suggestive photos of herself, would wait two years then sell my emails and twig-and-berries picture to Deadspin? I'm kinda shocked and a little embarrassed.

OK, so here's where we have a Mars/Venus parting of the ways. Men can only marvel at the galactic stupidity of anyone in the public spotlight believing that any secret would be kept confidential for longer than it takes the Enquirer's check to clear. It would be bad enough to have your email and voicemail messages broadcast for universal consumption (remember the icky Tiger Woods voicemails). Adding a glossy of your ding-a-ling is inexcusable...not to mention unlikely to produce the desired assignation. Quick rule of thumb: if you don't want a photo of your willie used as the screen-saver for every pervert, fan-boy in America don't take its picture.

Women just shake their heads. They want to run screaming to the press and publish a full page ad in every paper in America saying "on what planet would a photo of a penis cause a girl to swoon and fall into the arms of the owner?" No woman wants to check their text messages and discover a dick-pic, even a famous one. Suppose you were at dinner with your parents or in a meeting with your boss. Context is everything. Men apparently think (if "think" is even the right word) that because they like to look at women's naughty bits, girls do too. WRONG!

In a sport as violent as professional football, it is nothing short of amazing that Brett Farve has started in 253 regular season games over 20 seasons. The guy is indestructible. Considering the constant punishment meted-out to quarterbacks, his endurance and toughness are the stuff of legend. Repeated hits to the helmet however, might explain the bizarre brain synapses that brought Brett to believe that a photo of his trouser worm was the next best thing to a blue box from Tiffany's. There's a good chance Commissioner Goodell might bring the Farve consecutive game streak to an end with a suspension. What 280 lb. linebackers were unable to accomplish over twenty years might be brought about by the small photo of a small organ. Guys! If you must turn your camera-phones on yourselves please follow these simple steps: 1) zip up, 2) smile.

..when you find yourself in a hole shouldn't you stop digging?

Some stuff I get.

I get an unhappy electorate. I understand that America elected Barack Obama in 2008 and he wasn't able to magically fix the economy. He wasn't able to snap his fingers and recreate the millions of jobs that have been leaking into Asia and succumbing to technology for years. He wasn't able to make a wish and eliminate eight years of deficits due to unfunded wars and unfunded tax cuts. The President did manage to pass healthcare which, if you believe the administration, won't cost a dime. He pushed through a financial reform bill which might help prevent the next meltdown which might prevent the next bailout. Do we imagine that Grandpa McCain, with his profound knowledge of all things financial, would have fared better?

What I am at a loss to understand is the flood of strange, delusional, fringe candidates that are being offered by Republicans/teabaggers (not necessarily by the Republican party) to challenge incumbents and reverse two years of rational progress. To wit I offer Carl Paladino of New York, Christine O'Donnell of Delaware and Sharron Angle of Nevada. For the moment we will ignore the likes of Joe Miller in Alaska who believes Social Security is unconstitutional because it isn't in the Constitution or, Meg Whitman in California who needs help understanding what constitutes "illegal alien".

In an effort to appear unbiased (why bother?), news organizations have given these bizarre candidates a pass. The strange, bigoted, uninformed pronouncements of these escapees from the Island of Dr. Moreau appear on page eight or under National News, as if proclaiming not to be a witch was a regular news item. FOX News, having discarded any pretext of fairness or balance, is in the unenviable position of attempting to make these candidates look electable...or at least housebroken. Sadly, all the lip gloss companies in the world don't make enough lipstick to make these pigs look like movie stars.

For example: no one thinks it particularly strange that Carl Paladino attends a meeting of Orthodox Jews in New York and proceeds to read a homophobic speech prepared by the group to whom he's speaking. Why not call Don Pardo? Carl apparently feels that sex between people and animals is worthy of promulgation but love among people is problematic. Carl is behind by almost 20 points in recent polls but the real question is, "How much must you dislike Andrew Cuomo that you would pull a lever for such a reprehensible human being?" Cuomo isn't an incumbent nor did he vote for TARP. I'm guessing that a vote for Paladino is a vote against the hated President but my God, Carl Paladino is your response?

In Nevada, Harry Reid went all in on the healthcare bill knowing that, with unemployment running at 15% in Vegas he was backing a losing hand. Republicans, apparently wishing to prove that you could beat Senator Reid with a ham sandwich, decided to run one. Sharron Angle, who suggests that farm animals can be used to pay medical bills, has turned a slam-dunk win for the GOP into a dead heat. Hell, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed could beat Harry Reid. Ms. Angle has spent the entire campaign hiding from reporters and literally running away from anyone with a question. I'm guessing that, if elected, Ms. Angle will refuse to go to Washington. After all it's full of liberal subversives. Actually Nevada has a "none of these candidates" box on the ballot; the only state that does. Perhaps Nevada will have six years of an empty chair in the Senate. A good spot to rest a ham sandwich.

And then there's Christine O'Donnell who is so toxic Karl Rove shakes her hand wearing asbestos gloves. This child carries more baggage than Amtrak. She is about ten minutes from a series of indictments concerning her inability to distinguish campaign funds from personal piggy bank. Her previous candidacies for Delaware's Senate seat, ensured that Joe Biden would win by a larger margin than Kim Jong Il. So far as anyone can tell she makes no campaign stops, delivers no speeches, gives no interviews. (I'm sorry but being drooled over by Sean Hannity doesn't count.) Not since Abe Lincoln has a candidate been less exposed. Her opponent, Chris Coons, apparently read that old saying about never underestimating the stupidity of the American electorate. He is taking Christine's campaign seriously. That's more than can be said for the rest of us. In the absence of any real statement of Ms O'Donnell's platform, ("don't play with yourself or you'll go blind" is not a policy position) we are left with old clips from Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect from the late 1990's.

This is the country that elected Jesse "the body" Ventura, Dennis Kucinich, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Marion Barry, Sonny Bono and two out-of-work B-list actors from California. (Maybe you forgot George Murphy.) We understand anti-establishment. We also don't like being told who to vote for (See "Dewey Defeats Truman", 1948). However, if we must protest, at least we should choose serious people; people with positive ideas. I can live with being governed by politicians with views contrary to mine but I would prefer not to be governed by politicians elected exclusively based on their opposition to everything progressive. One constructive idea would be nice. Besides, election to office is the ultimate form of self-gratification. Fortunately, considering a 17% deficit in the polls, Christine O'Donnell isn't likely to suffer this particular moral dilemma.

...or is there really no place like home?

Reasons to stay in America Part I:

Both the UK and US governments are cautioning travelers to Europe of the increased threat from Al qaeda and like-minded bad guys. The advisory stops short of a "warning" but both governments suggest caution. OK, so how exactly do I travel "cautiously"? Do I go to Paris but steer clear of the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre? What about Jim Morrison's grave? Is it OK to go to Rome as long as I avoid the Forum and the Vatican? It appears that the only way to keep from becoming a terror victim is to alert authorities to any suspicious activity by any airline passenger with skin darker than John Boehner. This might present a problem in that the capitals of Europe have sizable Middle Eastern populations. Hell, every third person in London looks like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. You could spend a week in the UK and never meet anyone who talks like John Cleese. A tourist might attempt to report unusual behavior to a uniformed guard only to discover that the guard looks scarier than the guy he's reporting. What to do?

Because most Muslims are as harmless as Hare Krishnas (are they even still around any more?) the issue is that most travelers can't tell a bad guy from a baggage handler. People are a lot more likely to be frightened by a scruffy college student than by a guy in a suit. In that the EU has the most to lose from this problem, it would appear to be theirs to correct. One way to fix the perception problem is to ban "scruffy".

How hard can this be? The French have banned the burqa. How difficult would it be to require Muslim men to grab a haircut and a beard trim before venturing out in public? (The suggestion that Middle Eastern men be required to bathe might be seen as unfairly requiring an action not practiced by the French population at large.) Europe could publish pictures of Joaquin Phoenix from his gig on Letterman as an example of unacceptable appearance. If nothing else it would generate badly needed revenue for the barbers.

The idea of a general tonsorial clean-up might not protect tourists in Europe from exploding Samsonite but it will make them feel better about the people they encounter in airports and train stations. Considering that catastrophe is a remote possibility, why not let people enjoy the allusion of safety? After all, you are far more likely to be robbed by a Roman cab driver or a French waiter than become a victim of Achmed the suicide bomber. And if the worst actually happens, at least you will have been done in by a guy that looks like Omar Sharif... and he looks marvelous.

...or is John Boehner really the single member of a fourth race?

Reasons to move to France, Vol II or maybe III:



On Thurs., Sept 23 at 9:00 PM, the Commonwealth of Virginia proved once again that vengeance is alive and well in America. Teresa Lewis, judged barely mentally competent to stand trial for the contract murder of her husband and stepson, was executed by lethal injection. Republican Governor Bob McDonnell denied a plea for clemency. Shocking!

Teresa Lewis did the crime. She confessed to it. The actual murderers who were hired to do the deed testified against her. Both are serving life, having bargained their testimony to avoid the gurney. So the happy conclusion here is that the prosecutors in Richmond decided to allow the actual killers to live in return for a slam-dunk capital murder case against a woman with the IQ of a bag of Doritos. See, the way that works is, we here in Virginia are so tough on crime and criminals we'll execute feeble women, children (except the wussy Supreme Court says we can't) cute dogs, even people already dead. Naturally, the civilized world is outraged. Wimps!

Still, when you get a lesson in double standards from Iran you might want to pay attention. Everybody's favorite pain-in-the-ass Mahmoud Ahmadinejad compared the lack of Western outrage over the execution of Teresa Lewis to that of the possible stoning of an Iranian woman sentenced to death for adultery. Although it's hardly a parallel case, adultery isn't murder and stoning isn't lethal injection, he has a point. When the subject is state sponsored executions we have a serious blind spot. We kill our citizens for offenses deemed sufficient to warrant the punishment. Should we not also allow other countries the same latitude? As to the method of execution: beheading, electrocution, hanging, stoning; tomatoes-tomatos, right. Dead is dead. Face it, we have a lot more in common with Bedouin tribes and theocratic dictatorships than with civilized countries when the subject is law and order.


As to how the state-sponsored death of a mentally challenged woman glorifies any aspect of life in these United States or makes us better as a country, I'm at a loss to explain. Maybe Governor McDonnell knows. Tea-baggers want government to accept that America is a Christian country. Explain how being Christian squares with capital punishment.

____________________________________________________________________



But all is not lost. Executions in Kentucky and Oklahoma have been postponed. Sadly, the reason for the stays is not compassion but a shortage of sodium thiopental, the anesthetic portion of the lethal cocktail. Considering the speed with which Southern States are ordering the drug, no one should be surprised. Hell, why not just bang the condemned over the head with a ball bat. That would really offend the Iranians.

____________________________________________________________________



An American staff sergeant is accused of planning the killing Afghan civilians for no other reason than hating them. Staff Sergeant Calvin R. Gibbs supposedly led a team of five American soldiers including Specialist Jeremy Morlock in the random murder of people whose only crime was- wrong place, wrong time. Can't you just hear Lee Greenwood singing "I'm Proud to be an American"?

This story isn't fully written yet and trials are a long way off but, if true, America needs to forget our Status-of-Forces Agreement with Afghanistan and turn these fine examples of American manhood over to the Afghans for sentencing. If they wish to appeal, tell them to call Bob McDonnell.

___________________________________________________________________

But enough about executions and murder, how about Bishop Eddie Long of New Birth Baptist in Atlanta? Having started with almost nothing, Bishop Long currently boasts a congregation of 25,000, up from 300 in 1987. On his way to celestial glory, (his followers believe he is "anointed". By whom, exactly, we're not sure) Bishop Long has offered spiritual guidance to famous athletes and a few politicians. Unfortunately he has also used his powers of persuasion to seduce four young men in his congregation. The four are suing Bishop Long for sexual abuse.


Naturally, Bishop Long has been a vocal opponent of gay marriage and the homosexual lifestyle. Note to self: When a preacher rails against promiscuity, check his car ashtrays for condom wrappers. When he cries to God about the evils of homosexuality, search his desk drawer for his La Cage aux Folles keepsakes.


This is just another chapter in the mega-church fraud game. Another talented carnival barker using religion to feed his own lusts and lifestyle. Bishop Long is a caricature writ large. He travels with an entourage. His car is a Bentley. His 230-acre Baptist complex is one of the largest and most powerful voices in the Black Christian universe. No one would normally care about another self-aggrandizing bible thumper getting caught not practicing what he preaches except that these charlatans have influence. It was the black Christians of California that denied the right of marriage to gays in the Golden State. Please, people, stop listening to these false prophets. Worship at Burger King. At least you'll get lunch.



____________________________________________________________________

This just in...a man shot and killed himself on the sixth floor of the University of Texas Library in Austin. WOW. Who would have suspected that a library in Texas would actually have six floors?

What? Too soon?

...or should the Catholic Church stop taking public relations advice from BP?

"Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in." I know exactly how Michael Corleone feels. Each new article about how the Catholic Church is reinvigorating its efforts to get past the sexual abuse scandals reminds me that we have heard it all before. Whether the newest revelation occurs in Germany, France, the U.S. or Belgium the plot remains the same. Some Cardinal is forced into a public statement regarding new details of abuse by the priests in his diocese. The prelate is, of course, dismayed (he can hardly be shocked). New safeguards are promised, new apologies are made,victims are consoled. No one thinks it ironic that the consolation comes from the same source as the abuse.

The Vatican has depleted its supply of sackcloth and ashes. All the hair shirts have been distributed. We all know how very sorry you are. Tragically however the remedies remain half hearted and still smell of an incense-ladened cover-up. The Catholic Church in the person of his Holliless the Pope is still praying night and day that this sorry mess just goes away. Praying is all they have left. Blaming the media didn't work. Painting the Church in America as an isolated cauldron of sin failed miserably as Germany, Ireland and now Belgium exploded in the press. The clerical spin-doctors in Rome have blamed everyone short of Pontius Pilate for the consistent, pervasive, systemic patterns of sexual abuse inside the Roman Catholic Church. The time for blame is over. Fix it.

There is only one way to get passed this tragedy: call the cops. The Church in Rome has continually dodged the simple remedy of treating their abusive priests as the criminals they are. The Church wants to protect them as though the transgression was akin to stealing from the poor box or being drunk during Mass. The Holy See has attempted to enforce a statute of limitations on older cases hoping to leave adult victims without remedy. If Catholicism ever expects to restore any shred of moral superiority to its institutions, they must prosecute each and every verifiable case of abuse. Period. Anything less makes a mockery of the entire concept of organized religion.


No one should care if Rome continues to refuse ordination to married men or to women. If the Vatican wishes to see itself become extinct while clinging to out-moded traditions, so what? There is no shortage of churches to absorb the faithful. God will still be God. However, Rome must clean house. Any priest found guilty of abusing a child must be defrocked immediately and publicly. The time for "handling these things "in-house" has passed.Think Spanish Inquisition only without the rack.



By the way, just to show that Pope Benedict XVI hasn't lost his comic touch, attend the tale of his recent trip to the UK. While touring in England the Pope announced the beatification of Cardinal John Henry Newman, a former Anglican priest and scholar who lived in the nineteenth century and converted to Catholicism. Cardinal Newman believed that the Church of England and the Church of Rome should reunite. Considering the thousands of Protestants barbecued during an earlier attempt at reunification this was not an especially popular notion. Also, Benedict had previously proclaimed that Popes should not participate in the beatification process. Apparently the Pope chose to break his own edict in order to poke a finger in the eye of the country in which he was a guest. Smooth.

...or can we no longer ingore the pestilence that is Newt?

Like squirrels in the attic, we must sooner or later address the problem that is Newt Gingrich. Newt was easy enough to ignore over the past few years. He was a regular on the conservative talk circuit and, sitting next to Laura Ingram or Neil Cavuto, he always appeared reasonable. OK, that's not much of a trick. Gingrich's rumpled manner and professorial speech patterns made audiences harken back to ancient classrooms and boring teachers.

We all knew that Newt's colorful personal life (two messy divorces, two messy ex-wives) would preclude his reentry into national politics. His persecution and prosecution of Bill Clinton for sexual misconduct while carrying on an extra-marital affair of his own (and trying to talk his wife into acquiescence) would be tough to overcome in the Iowa Caucus. Old Newt is bruised fruit in Republican politics.

Ah, but this is 2010. In the era of the twenty-four news machine any political bad apple has an opportunity to reinvent himself over and over again. John McCain can go from moderate to wingnut in the blink of an eye. Bill Clinton can wake up a sexual predator and go to bed a revered senior statesmen. Glenn Beck can present as a clueless conservative huckster today and a messianic clueless conservative huckster tomorrow. Reinvention is the new black. Enter Newt redeux.

Gingrich discovered that endless diatribes on economics and policy were putting his potential supporters to sleep. However there is one topic that will reinvigorate the heartland quicker than a new reality TV show: racism. 9/11 was nine years ago but the latent hatred for Muslims was always out there. We just needed someone to remind us. Enter the Gingriches (Newt enlisted his third wife for his new hate-speak video. Callista Gingrich makes Laura Bush look like Roberto Benigni.) Newt has brushed aside the subtleties about "moderate Muslims" and the distinction between terrorists and the fourteen gazillion followers of Mohammed. For Mr. Gingrich and his two-dimensional bride it's a simple equation: Muslim=anti-American=terrorist.

Hey, they're not like us, right? They dress funny. They pray weird...and way too often. They make their wives wear bedsheets. (If the women around Mr. Gingrich wore burkas, Newt might still be married to his first wife.) They hate us for our freedom. We hate them because we can't drive to Walmart without their oil. They will stop at nothing (including setting their BVD's on fire) to make Sharia law the law of the land in America. They are evil incarnate. Muslims are as perfect for this kind of hate speech today as the Jews were in Germany in the 30's. Note: No one is comparing Newt Gingrich to AH. I know better. The parallel exists only in the attempt to gain power by creating an "us vs. them" mentality in the U.S. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. The real enemy is bowing to Mecca.

Gingrich is so taken with the chord he believes he's struck that he has looped the current President into the soup. Newt believes that Barack Obama is somehow a creature of "Kenyan anti-colonial politics". No one in America has the vaguest notion what that means but it sounds subversive. In Newt's view, the President isn't really one of "us" either. His grandfather was Kenyan and Muslim. His mother married a man of color. He supports healthcare for everyone. What further proof do we need? We've elected a subversive.

Gingrich is a fear-mongering fraud and, if there is a God in heaven, he will never be seriously be considered as a presidential candidate. He's dull, pedagogical and toxic to the all-powerful religious right. His shut-down of Washington in 1996 is the stuff of legend. His $300,000 fine for ethics violations while Speaker of the House maybe old news today but problematic should he seriously contend for high office. His platform will however be considered pro business; especially if your business is the manufacture of pitchforks and torches.

...or have we all had way too much of Betty White?

Seriously. Watching an old lady swear or talk about sex was funny for maybe 30 seconds. Enough already. Send this old bag back to central casting with Wilford Brimley and Robert Wagner to do AARP ads and ads for Medicare supplement insurance.

Speaking of old broads who need to get off the stage, Cher wore her black mesh, almost-a-costume from 1989 to the MTV Music Awards. Email to Cher: "Babe, just because you can, doesn't mean you should." Lady Gaga was there in her "meat dress" which was presumably made from the pieces and parts medical science has removed from Cher over the past fifteen years.

OK! I feel better now.

American "hiker" Sarah Shourd was released by the Iranian government this week. Ms. Shourd, along with her fiancee Shane Bauer and a third companion Josh Fattal have been held by the Iranians since July 2009 when they were arrested for entering the country illegally. Family members said that Ms. Shourd is ill and that the Iranian courts are releasing her after bail of $500,000 was posted. Naturally, everyone hopes that the other two Americans are released as quickly as possible.

That said, please tell me who in their right mind goes for a stroll in Kurdish Iran? Was Yellowstone closed? Were the Irish repainting the Twelve Bens? Was Galapagos under renovation? What would prompt reasonably sane, well educated 30 somethings to pack up and head for the most dangerous place this side of Mogadishu? The three prisoners are from Berkley so the lure of really fine weed is a possibility but, with San Francisco so close, why bother?

The press persists in referring to the three Americans as "hikers" which is an attempt to belittle the Iranian position that they are sneaky American spies. "Dopey Americans with oatmeal for common sense" might be a more apt description. Memo to young America: when you get bored or restless, drive to Philly for cheesesteaks. At least we can be grateful that Reverend Terry Jones of Gainesville, FL hasn't promised to burn anything in protest. Arizona Governor Jan Brewer did, however, take the opportunity to call for a stricter immigration policy in Iran.

...or are we all doomed to be judged by the most depraved among us?

Random musings:



Germans are scrutinized more than any other nationality when the subject is race. I'm guessing it has something to do with that unfortunate business with the Jews...and the Gypsies...and the gays...and some Christians back in the '30's and '40's. Anyway, most European leaders can stand up in any assembly in any country and pontificate about how some minority is ruining their culture and their way of life. No one notices. No one cares. However, like Pierre The Bridge Builder (get someone to tell you the joke), if one German makes one comment about any race or ethnic group, he will be on page one quicker than you can say Adolf What's-his-name.



Thilo Sarrazin, economist, author and Goebbels wannabe is the talk of Berlin these days thanks to his theory that Muslim immigrants, mostly from Turkey, are dumbing down the German culture. He asserts that (stop me if you've heard this before) heredity factors give the Turks and Kurds a "genetic predisposition" toward lower intelligence. It would appear that some foul supplier has cut off Germany's supply of irony. A quick glance at Germany's historic devotion and maniacal worship of its Chancellor from 1936 to 1945 would lead one to believe that the German people need no help in the dumb department.



Professor Sarrazin is careful to include the Jews on his team this time. I'm sure the 37 Jews left in Germany are thrilled. Nevertheless, Sarrazin still manages to touch all the third rails. He asserts that Germans are dumber thanks to " congenital disabilities" caused by "inbreeding by Turks and Kurds". Holy Eichmann, Batman! Naturally, as with racist morons in the U.S., Sarrazin has something of a following. A national poll shows that something approaching a third of Germans agree with the man who would be fuhrer. One suspects that the same one third might very well be the people negatively affected by the "dumb Turkish/German disease".

Go figure.



...on a related note



Try as we might, it appears impossible to disinfect our media coverage enough to remove the stain that is Reverend Terry Jones of the World Outreach Center in Gainesville, FL. Rev. Jones is the walrus-faced asshat who thought it would be a nifty idea to burn several copies of the Koran in tribute to the causalities of 9/11. If this pissant is a minister of God there's hope for every bedbug at Marriott. The book burning is on hold at the moment while the good Reverend attempts to dial up the Almighty on his toaster oven seeking further instructions.



This is the sort of behavior that makes sane, non-tea-party Americans want to buy a 30 second spot on al jazeera and proclaim that, while we have serious fundamental issues with radical Islam, we request that the Muslim World not judge us by the actions of Reverend Dingbat. Also, we would not like to be judged by the actions of people who parade through Lower Manhattan in hardhats with misspelled signs complaining that there are no churches in Mecca. (Like, who would go anyway? They're all Muslims. duh!)



I for one would rather watch a 24 hour telethon staring Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin (better known as Fox News every day) than see one more minute of Reverend Sanctimonious.



on a related subject:



It's reprehensible for a Pat Robertson wannabe in Florida to burn books but it appears that, when the firebug is your own Department of Defense, well, that's OK. The folks at DoD are attempting to buy and destroy the initial printing, 10,000 copies, of a book called "Operation Dark Heart". No, it's not the details of Dick Cheney's medical history. It's an account of America's misadventures in Afghanistan in 2003 when all the focus had shifted to Iraq. The author, Lt. Col. Anthony Shaffer was serving in Afghanistan at the time. The book was originally cleared by the Pentagon but there are about twelve other government agencies, including CIA, who have issues with some of the details. I'm guessing that the book is not scheduled to be included in the recruitment packet at Langley.



The Defense Dept. assures us that the recall is about naming names and classified materials, niceties that didn't trouble the Bush Administration in the Valerie Plame affair. A sanitized version (as in redacted) is scheduled to hit the book stores soon.

In the meantime, DoD has sent an email to Rev. Jones in Gainesville. The text reads "got a light?"



on an unrelated note:



Today's Wall Street Journal reports that colleges all across America are erecting statues to former football heroes and to coaches who have won championships. This all sounds fine when the honored include Bear Bryant of Alabama (we'll forget about the racism), Joe Paterno of Penn State (who, I believe once coached William Penn in 1664) or Tom Osborne of Nebraska (who once refused to suspend Lawrence Phillips in the Orange Bowl "for the benefit of the team" after a felony conviction for beating his girlfriend.). The problem arises when the sculpture honors a newly minted or even current legend who just might have an equipment bag full of skeletons. Think Nick Sabin at Alabama.



Take the statue of former football coach Lou Holtz which currently decorates the pavement outside Notre Dame Stadium. The Irish were only too happy to immortalize the achievements of Holtz, the last coach to provide sustained excellence on the football field. They were less willing to remember the NCAA infractions during the Holtz years that earned Notre Dame two years probation in 1999. They also ignored the violations that earned Minnesota, Holtz' previous coaching job, two years on the post game bench. After all, Notre Dame is a Catholic School and Catholics are all about forgiveness; especially when you deliver a record of 64-9-1. Touchdown Jesus would forgive John Wayne Gacy if he could beat Southern Cal every year.



Alabama has decided to commission a statue of Coach Sabin on the theory that he has returned the Crimson Tide to former glory. A darker reason might be that the student body in Tuscaloosa has been cutting the classes on Alabama football traditions. After all, Bryant retired (and died) in 1983; six years before the current graduating class was born. (Unlike at Notre Dame where every student knows Knute Rockne's mother's maiden name.)

A recent poll asked Alabama students who Bear Bryant was. Answers included:
"The first black student to play Alabama football." (actually that was John Mitchell in 1971) "The last guy voted off the island on Survivor."
"The guy who invented 'Death Zombies 2000' for x-Box."
OK I made up the poll but wanna bet there will be more than one student entering the Bryant Denny Stadium next season asking, Who's the bronze guy and what's he done for us lately?

...or is it possible to be happy with $21 million and a part-time job?

As I was saying to my friend Wavy Davy, no one needs another diatribe on the Cordoba Cultural Center or the goofy political exploits of Sharron Angle of Nevada. However, armed with the notion that isitjustme has wasted four years pontificating on subjects no one wants to hear about, it might become necessary to broach these issues at a later date.

Today, however, we turn our attention to the sports pages. As many are aware, football season is upon us. This is a special time of year for citizens of the Washington DC area. Stephen Strasburg and Alex Ovechkin notwithstanding, Washington is a football town. People in this market take the burgundy and gold seriously. (Not like "Philadelphia" seriously but, seriously.) During the run-up to the regular season, before any games have been lost, before any fingers are pointed, before fans renew their demand that boy-owner Daniel Snyder sell his billion dollar toy, hope springs eternal. Every team is a Super Bowl champ in August.

One of the reasons for optimism this season is the acquisition of former Super Bowl coach Mike Shanahan. With their short-term memories firmly in place, the Redskin faithful are confident that Coach Shanahan will succeed where Norv Turner, Terry Robiskie, Marty Shottenheimer, Steve Spurrier, Joe Gibbs and Jim Zorn have failed. (These are the coaches hired and fired during the Snyder stewardship, 1999-2010.) Whatever magic Coach Shanahan brings to the sidelines, he figures to get about two to three years to convert it into a Lombardi Trophy.

Coach Shanahan is just the latest in a litany of "the next sure thing" personal moves by Snyder, a man with way too much money and way too little savvy. He has turned the folly of over-paying aging superstars/football divas into an art form. Think George Steinbrenner without the rings. Joining this cavalcade of mediocrity in 2009 was Albert Haynesworth. A one-time pro bowler with the Tennessee Titans, Haynesworth spent seven seasons proving: 1) that he was among the best defensive players in football and, 2) He was among the worst head cases ever to stick his head in a helmet. Ignoring the latter, Dan Snyder rewarded the former with a seven-year $100 million free agent contract in 2009. (By the way, approximately $41 million of that money is guaranteed. He doesn't have to play a down.)

And Haynesworth hasn't disappointed...at least not as a world class asshat. He clocked a decent season in '09, missing four games due to...who cares. When you make that kind of green, you play, barring a note from an undertaker. When you see an overpaid diva sit out the last game of a losing season, he's told you all you need to know about his character. Haynesworth started the '10 campaign by not starting it. He claims that the new defensive scheme put in place by defensive coordinator Jim Haslett does not suit his particular talents. That's strange because Albert's particular talent appears to be seeing how big a jerk he can be and coaches don't normally interfere with that.

Petulantly, Haynesworth arrived at training camp (having skipped a mandatory workout earlier) and immediately failed a conditioning test, repeatedly. He has groused, bitched and whined for the last three weeks about everything except the color of the locker room towels. After the preseason game against the Ravens last Saturday, Fat Albert bemoaned having to play into the third quarter, a rare occurrence for a veteran. One suspects Coach Shanahan was sending a message, namely if you won't move your ass in the off season, you'll move it now. Haynesworth has been diagnosed with rhabdomyolysis. This is a condition common to athletes who work out in August when they are out of shape. Boo! Hoo! Let's all feel sorry for this 300 pound bag of ego. Just before Haynesworth threatened to hold his breath until he turns blue, he pouted that he won't attend conditioning camps next year either. When told he was behaving like a fourth grader, Albert replied "I know you are but what am I?"



Professional team owners are mystifying. They cry poor-mouth but continue to pay obscene salaries and bonuses to washed-up stars (think "Neon" Deion Sanders) or untried rookies (Sam Bradford of Oklahoma springs to mind). Snyder went so far as to sue his own season ticket holders for not buying their contracted tickets. Nice! Complain if you must about the "look at me" antics of Chad Ochocinco or Bret Farve but at least you get full value on the field. Owners who pay ridiculous amounts to primadonnas should be forced to sit through an entire season of games between the San Diego Padres and the Texas Rangers. Each is in first place and they rank 29 and 27 respectively in payroll among 30 baseball teams. (The Cubs, by comparison, are third and currently 20 games out of first. That is a story for another day).





Money doesn't buy happiness (ask Lindsay Lohan) but it should at least purchase a little commitment. You should expect that these giant egos who, were it not for their size and speed would be wearing a paper hat or an orange apron, might feel some obligation to earn the seven figures they get paid. If Albert Haynesworth feels that his talents might be better utilized at NASA or the Brookings Institute then please, return Dan Snyder's cash and return to the University of Tennessee. Just stop crushing the football hopes of the citizens of Washington DC. We already have to suffer with John Boehner. Enough, already!

..or should lower Manhattan be declared a "Muslim-free zone"?

Oh, the things we choose to get worked-up about: a ten commandments statue in a courthouse, a creche on public property, a cross in the middle of a national park. Today's tempest involves a Muslim-sponsored, seventeen story cultural center in lower Manhattan which, in additional to a swimming pool and meeting rooms, will contain a mosque. Mosque, by the way, means Muslim place of worship. The only thing that distinguishes this facility from the banquet hall at the Ramada are a few quotes from the Koran which decorate the walls. As you can imagine, it isn't the swimming pool that is making Conservatives crazy.

The problem is that the cultural center sits on Park Place between Broadway and Church St. (ignore the irony) about two blocks from the former site of the World Trade Center. Muslims worshiping or meeting or swimming or breathing anywhere in lower Manhattan makes a segment of the population apoplectic. OK, everyone gets it. It was Muslims, acting, they said, on behalf of Muslims that attacked America on 9-11. The idea that any representative of Islam would build an Islamic anything so close to ground zero strikes some as supremely arrogant and offensive. I'm not nuts about it either. Another site might have shown more sensitivity. Real estate in New York isn't so hard to find. Another location certainly would have seemed less provocative.

That said, this is still America...teabaggers notwithstanding. We do not make laws or, in New York's case, grant landmark status, because something makes us uncomfortable. We don't deny the KKK the right to assemble. We don't consign the Aryan Nation to Toronto to hold rallies. Freedom means freedom for everyone. Hell, we don't even object to fat, old, white people parading through the Capital in funny tri-corn hats. Building an office building containing a mosque near the site of 2,700 deaths might be in bad taste but it's not illegal and it's only a big deal if we make it one.

As with most conservative rage issues, this lends itself to dumb slogans and phony indignation. Everybody wants to hate Muslims. George W. Bush did an admirable job of minimizing any hate-related response to 9-11 but the feelings are still there. Newt Gingrich has been trying desperately to gin-up a fight over whether Sharia law will replace American jurisprudence even though no such movement exists. He has an audience because of the fear of Muslim jihadists. These guys are friggin crazy, right? Islam is, in some forms, a very aggressive religion. Stories of fatwas and beheadings have painted all Muslims as wild-eyed fanatics. (Not that there aren't a few of those out there.) The issue isn't whether some Muslims hate Americans but whether we allow our stereotypes and prejudices to override our sense of justice.

Signs like "why can't we build a church in Mecca?", as usual, miss the point. (Jesus, at least carry a sign that makes sense.) This is about us. The fact that Saudi Arabia is a closed society is about them. Stoning and honor killing in Iran is about them. We are the tolerant ones...maybe to a fault but so what? Our Declaration says "all men are created equal". You get the benefit of the doubt whether you are black or brown, man or woman , Christian or Buddhist. Mayor Bloomberg made maybe the most definitive speech on the subject. He said "We would betray our values and play into our enemies' hands if we were to treat Muslims differently than anyone else". And you thought the Mayor was just another pretty face.

...or are the teabag Republicans contemplating tossing the Constitution over the side?

Really? The Republican solution to illegal immigration is the repeal of the Fourteenth Amendment? WOW! At least they didn't suggest anything radical like the use of nuclear weapons against illegals or shooting every other person in Texas named Gonzales. Has the supposed "debate" over illegal immigration become so toxic that Republicans are discussing, out loud, a repeal of the Amendment which grants American citizenship to any person born in this country?

Lindsey Graham, once a rational voice for real reform is talking about "dropping a baby" as though Latino children were so many pesky rabbits. The consummate coward, John McCain, is condoning hearings on the subject lest he be accused of not being enough of a radical right-wing nutjob. This from a man who once said "These are God's children as well and they need some protection under the law and they need some of our love and compassion". "Love and compassion" are in short supply when bile and fear are the coins of the realm in a primary fight.

Not that anyone on the Right would care but the facts are these: Illegal immigration is down by around 40% since 2000. Deportations are way up (137,000 have been designated as criminals and deported. 60% more than in the last year of GWB). The number of businesses cited for hiring illegals has quadrupled. According to Homeland Security there are 1 million fewer illegals that in 2007. The border with Mexico is 1,951 miles. A "secure" border is a myth. Don't take my word for it. Ask the East Germans. The border between East and West Berlin was 87 miles with two heavily guarded walls and a "death strip" between. Still, 5,000 people made it across. There are twice as many border agents in place now than in 2005 and there are 5,000 national guard troops. We are reaching a point where the cost of stopping the next illegal would be prohibitive.

Let's talk about "drop and leave". The fact that any American with any shred of decency would suggest that Latino women would risk a dangerous border crossing to "drop" a child on American soil speaks volumes about what we are becoming. This conversation is the worst kind of racist pandering. If you are serious about reversing the flow of illegals, stop singing to the teabaggers and craft workable legislation; a law that will address the needs of farmers and small business as well as those of taxpayers. Jan Brewer is right about one thing (amazing). Border states should not be required to bear the burden of immigrants alone. Washington must act.



"Act" however does not mean taking an Exacto-knife to the Constitution. This is a Republican canard anyway. Repealing the Fourteenth Amendment would require a two-thirds majority in both houses of Congress and approval of 3/4 of the state legislatures. The legal term is "fat chance". So, like George Bush Sr.'s discourse about a flag burning amendment and George W's desire for a marriage amendment, this bit of racist nonsense is being promoted by people who know it has zero chance of being enacted. Like secession, they may sound like "fightin' words" but the cause is hopeless...Thank God.

...or does Edward R. Morrow need to rise from the dead and kick some serious ass?

Attend the tale of Shirley Sherrod.


Before this week Ms. Sherrod was one of 105,000 nameless, faceless bureaucrats who toil away unnoticed in the gargantuan machine of government. Her role was director of Rural Development in Georgia. (Why anyone would want to develop rural Georgia is a topic for another day.) Shirley Sherrod might have worked in Georgia for another three or four years (she is currently 62) and drifted happily into retirement. But nooooooo!

Ms. Sherrod accepted an invitation to address a March meeting of the Georgia NAACP. She had a tale to tell. It was a story about race perception and race reality. It involved a time when she was working for the Southern Cooperative/Land Assistance Fund, a non-profit organization in Georgia helping black farmers. When a white farmer, Roger Spooner, came to her for help, she was initially inclined to "send him to his own people". Ms. Sherrod is a Georgia native. When she was seventeen her father was shot in the back by a white man. No charges were filed. However, Ms. Sherrod overcame these original feelings and ultimately helped Mr. Spooner keep his farm. "If it hadn't been for her, we wouldn't have known who to see or what to do" says Mr. Spooner. So the happy ending to the story is that Shirley Sherrod was able to see past her moment of petty racism and the Spooners and Ms. Sherrod are now great friends. Ah...not so fast...

A low-life teabagger tool named Andrew Breitbart "discovered" Ms. Sharrod's taped speech apparently while searching for communist liberals under his bed. It being a slow news day, Mr. Breitbart decided to edit the tape to appear as if Ms. Sherrod ignored Mr. Spooner's cry for help because he was white. Clearly the act of a black racist. Mr. Breitbart, attempting to justify his despicable treachery, claims that because the NAACP accused elements of the tea party of racism (heaven forfend!) he wanted to show that racism also existed in the ranks of the NAACP. So he edited a tape and had it posted to prove his point. Nice!

Breitbart is an asshat and should be treated as such. The real villains of the piece don't arise until after the offending tape goes viral. News departments all over America decide to run with the story. No one: not ABC, CBS, ABC, Fox, CNN or the Golf Channel ever checked the story or asked to see the entire speech. American news organizations, desperate to appear "fair and balanced" ignored every journalistic rule (mostly the second part of "get it fast but get it right") and rushed into the 24 hour news cycle with garbage. This disgraceful exhibition of knee-jerk journalism was in response to editors fears that Glenn Beck would aggressively scoop them the way he did on Van Jones.

Apparently Beckophobia also runs rampant in the Department of Agriculture and the White House. Tom Vilsack, weak-kneed Secretary of Agriculture, checked no part of the story before demanding Ms. Sherrod's decapitation. (She was actually ordered off a highway so she could tender her resignation by Blackberry.) The White House, doubling down on cowardice, is denying they ordered the firing. Worst of all, the NAACP renounced Ms. Sherrod also without ever bothering to determine the veracity of the accusation. So far the only person to man-up has been Vilsack. His apology at least had the appearance of sincerity.

What has become of our integrity? In what bizarro universe does the Leader of the Free World quake at the feet of a carnival showman like Glenn Beck? Is the compassionate left so fearful of it's positions on race that it searches for any opportunity to vilify, however unjustly, any black person for any perceived transgression? Is the NAACP so unsure of its charter that they would resort to the methods of the lynch mob and condemn without trial? When did formerly respected news organizations get so defensive over accusations of liberal bias that they would decide to air an unverified story about a black women simply because verification looks like liberal bias? Still smarting from the Dan Rather disaster?

And, by the way, so what if a black woman 24 years ago showed a little race bias in Georgia? Black people endured 400 years of slavery and another 130 years of Jim Crow so excuse them if, on occasion, they allow that oppression to cloud their attitudes. What exactly is the white man's excuse for the klan, lynchings and the obvious racism of the tea party? Black people have a reason to hate. What's whitey's story?

...or should we have suspected all along?

Sunday, June 27, 2010. The Federal Bureau of Investigation arrested 11 U.S. residents today and plans to charge them with being deep-cover agents, spying for the Russians. Two of the alleged spies are Boston residents Donald Howard Heathfield and his wife Tracy Lee Ann Foley. Heathfield has been working for ten years in the Boston area as a management consultant.

It was right in front of us all the time. All the signs were there. We whispered our suspicions at the office water cooler or at a neighborhood bar after work but rarely in public and never around our company's management. The idea was too fantastic.


We knew what our enemy was capable of. We'd seen the results through the years in Siberia, Hungary and Czechoslovakia. What we discounted was Russian subtlety. We never dreamed the iron-fisted, ham-handed Commissars of the Kremlin possessed this level of cunning and treachery. Now, thanks to the brave and dogged soldiers at the FBI we have uncovered the truth. Archival information is sketchy but, from what we know, we can piece together most of the story.

It was August, 1989. The Soviet Union was crumbling. The Berlin Wall was teetering. The Soviet Committee for State Security, aka, KGB, was holding what might be its last meeting. The mood in the conference room of Moscow's Lubyanka Prison headquarters was grim. KGB Chairman Vladimir Kryuchkov spoke, " Comrades, we are finished. Thanks to Ronald Reagan, Pope John Paul II and Baywatch we can no longer defeat the West. They have more missiles, more tanks and they have MTV. Before we capitulate entirely and become waiters in Russian restaurants in Brighton Beach, are there any ideas as to how we can defeat this hated enemy?"


From the back of the room came the confident voice of Captain Sergei McKinseikov. The young officer had recently returned to the USSR after earning his MBA at Harvard. "Comrade Chairman, having recently come from the United States I can tell you that there is a growing crisis of confidence in American business. Companies that have prospered for many years are being managed by young, over-educated, under-experienced neophytes. They have more experience unhooking women's brassieres in the back of a Lada than running a company. Soon bonuses will begin to suffer and, remembering what they were taught at Yale/Columbia, etc., they will seek guidance from equally clueless strangers known as 'management consultants."


The Chairman interrupted. "Captain, are you suggesting that American corporations, having prospered for decades using methods proven over generations, will suddenly abandon the business models that made them a success and follow the advice of people with no experience in their field? That's madness! No sane competent executive would knowingly choose such a course. In Russia we would send such an executive to our management re-training program in Siberia."


"I realize it sounds crazy, Comrade Chairman, but it is happening. What I am proposing is that we infiltrate these 'management consulting' companies. and people them with well-trained KGB operatives. This can be done while the agents are studying at America's Ivy League Universities. Most of the schools are run by socialists anyway. They won't mind. When the time comes, and believe me it's coming, our people will be in the perfect position to wreak havoc throughout American industry. The beauty of this plan is that the American companies will come to us. All we need are a few laptops and a dictionary of buzz words and catch phrases. One of my classmates at Harvard grossed $3mil last year with only a Dell Dimension and the words ' silos and bandwidth'. Even our Russian accents will seem exotic. We'll tell them that all the new, robust thinking 'from 10,000 feet' and 'six-sigma, best practices' are coming from Eastern Europe." Most of them think the "Far East" means Amagansett. They'll never know.

The Chairman remained skeptical. "I don't know, Captain. The plan sounds expensive. Besides, what if the American executives don't believe the useless advice we give them?"

"But that's just it, Sir" McKinseikov persisted, " the beauty of this plan is that it funds itself. American executives believe that if you charge them staggering fees and bury them in reams of paper, you must certainly be smarter than they are. Look at how much they pay Bill Clinton to read a 30 minute canned speech. We can use the exorbitant revenue from each assignment to pay for the next. And don't forget, American executives are sheep. If Company A hires us to 're-purpose' their once successful business, Company B down the street will feel that they also must redesign. Plus, once the Americans have paid millions for advice, they feel compelled to follow it regardless of how destructive it appears. At Harvard they call this a 'win-win'."

Chairman Kryuchkov was impressed but still cautious. "So, Captian McKinseikov, your plan is to train a group of Russian agents at America's Ivy League schools to become consultants to management. We then set them up in fancy offices with laptop computers. You claim that America's biggest and most successful companies will hire them to completely reorganize what were proven successful business models. Our people will then take this questionable unproven advice and market to those companies competitors? And those competitors will pay even more for the same bad advice? Won't we ultimately get caught? Sooner or later won't American executives get wise to the fact that they are buying air? I mean how long can such a ridiculous concept survive?"

Good Question!

Dosvidanya!

...or is hot dog eating to sports what chess is to exercise?

Car wrecks we can't seem to stop looking at.

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At what point in our ever-evolving culture did food-consumption become sports? Speaking for myself, the prospect of watching someone stuff wet hot dogs and buns into his face at high speed falls somewhere between freak show and "don't block the door to the vomitorium". The only way glutenous food consumption qualifies as sports is if John Waters is your news producer.

Once upon a time some bright-light MBA at Nathan's Famous, Inc. proposed a hot dog eating contest as a stunt. This simple idea has morphed into two actual associations called the MLE, Major League Eating and the WLOCE, World League of Competitive Eating. (Think WWE except the contestants occasionally say "excuse me" after emitting horrid bodily noises.) These organizations sponsor all manner of pig-outs all over the world. Burgers, Spam, oysters and many other foods are stuffed into "professional" gobs as fans cheer and the clock ticks. So ask yourself: if you're a tea-bagger, where do you go to protest about "getting your country back"? Forget the White House. Take the gang to Coney Island. Not only can you attempt to convert the Joey Chestnut fans, you can have a little lunch. I've seen those tea party rallies. That group has some serious hot dog eaters.



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Can someone please explain why gun sales in America are going through the roof? Has the current occupant of the White House made any effort to curtail the sale of firearms? Has Congress attempted to rewrite the Constitution in response to the "Heller" or "McDonald" decisions by the Supremes? Has anyone aside from a few big city mayors even brought the topic up? Is the NRA so influential that they can create a panic among members even in the absence of a threat?

Today's troubling news comes from the Beehive State of Utah. It seems that Utah has the most lenient concealed weapons law of any state in America. Utah requires only that you be 21, take a course, clear a background check and of course, pay a $65.25 fee. The permits are valid in 32 states and are good for five years. Utah issued 74,000 permits last year and is swamped with applications for 2010. If you don't find this troubling...you should. Most people killed in shootings are shot byfamil;y members or people they know. This OK Corral fantasy results in hundreds of needless deaths every year. BTW The first thing lawmen in Dodge City, Tombstone and Silver City did to reduce crime was prohibit the citizenry from carrying guns.



If your paranoia is such that you feel the need to own a gun, neither Barack Obama nor I can do much to stop you. However there is no reason for any citizen to wander the streets of America with a weapon concealed in his clothing or in her handbag. You will most certainly shoot a friend or an acquaintance long before you shoot a felon. Ask yourself: If I witness a crime in progress, would I be likely to draw a gun and start shooting? Is there the slightest expectation that I could hit what I was aiming at? Would it be more likely that I would hit: a cop, a bystander, a hostage? Would I be offended by return fire?

The debate over guns is asinine. No one will convince anyone of anything. There are two interesting facts that Americans should find sobering: currently there are 280,000 handguns in private hands in this Country and, every year we kill about 4,500 kids with guns.


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America, I know it's July. Things are a little laid back. Baseball is at the halfway point in the season. (yawn!) The U.S. is out of the World Cup. Football two-a-days are a few weeks off. Still, are we really so stuck for something to distract us that we would devote a full hour of primetime TV to the announcement that a high school graduate from Akron plans to bounce a ball in Miami? It's difficult to judge which is worse: A sports personality who thinks his address is of such earth-shaking import that America would forgo Rachel Maddow or reruns of CSI to watch a TV special about whose little shorts and tank top he will attempt to sell in 2010 and beyond or, a population of sycophant, mouth-breathers who care. LeBron James has the biggest, most outsized ego since, oh, Glenn Beck who just announced he is starting his own university. Headline rewrite " isitjustme or is hot dog eating to sports what Glenn Beck is to education?"

...or should Glenn Beck be required to register with the World Clown Association?

Seriously, there is no greater defender of free speech than isitjustme. After all, if loathsome, despicable, incoherent expression were outlawed, I'd have to go back to downloading porn...even more. The problem with Beck, aside from his heinous message, is his evisceration of the mother tongue. If you feel the need, watch his show. "...and so, like, he thought like, what's that about? And like he said, "wow" and I'm like gee." Mentally challenged valley girls speak more eloquently. Either his teleprompter is slower than he is or he's mostly winging it. It's easy to presume the later because it would be almost impossible to write the way Beck talks. If he has writers, they're not earning their salaries. (Nor are his wardrobe people, unless they are intentionally going for "Ralph Kramden Chic".)

The problem with success is you think you walk on water. No one can tell you anything. Lee Trevino once said that he didn't have a swing coach because he never met one who could beat him. Because Beck's message resonates with a certain tragic hoard of mouth-breathers who feel under-appreciated and disenfranchised, he thinks his whole act is golden. As long as Sarah Palin takes his calls and he rakes in a few bob for Rupert Murdoch, life is good and grammar and syntax be damned. If this is "everyman speak", I want an Ebonics dictionary.

Mostly, Beck is a sideshow and should be taken as seriously as World Wrestling. However, Beck stops being funny when he steps into desecration. On August 28th, Beck intends to hold a Tea Party rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. That happens to be the 47th Anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech. So far the Park Service has not issued a permit. (Who says government can't get anything right?) Considering the subtly racist nature of the Tea Party, this would be the equivalent of the Japanese holding a rally at the USS Arizona memorial on December 7th.

No one is suggesting that Beck be silenced. He should be allowed to parade his bile in any public forum that will tolerate him. With permission, he can speak on the steps of the Capitol where Barak Obama took the oath of office. He can run his smack at the Washington Monument or the Jefferson Memorial. I'm sure his words will be just as memorable as Dr. King's. It may be known as the "I Have a TV Show" speech. Beck cannot, however, be permitted to pontificate from the spot where Dr. King spoke of justice and hope. He cannot be allowed to use that important historical place as a venue for trashing the very President who embodies MLK's vision for racial equality. Be a voice for stupidity anywhere else, but not there.

As further proof of his monstrously delusional ego, Beck claims that when the date for the rally was first chosen, he did not realize the significance. That led him to believe that the choice was divinely inspired. To comment on that bit of drivel we have the thoughts of none other than Father Guido Sarducci. When asked if Glen might be a prophet, Father S. suggests that, because Beck is unstable, hears voices and talks a lot, he may very well be a prophet. (Check Steven Colbert's interview with Father Sarducci at http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/313497/june-23-2010/prophet-glenn-beck---father-guido-sarducci)

Most people with IQ's in two digits understand that Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity & Co. are performers in the grand tradition of Will Rogers and Pat Paulson. The tragedy of this crop of talkers is that some folks take these guys seriously. It's one thing to sit in your Barcalounger with a beer and rail against a political agenda you don't support. It's another to grab your flintlock and tri-corn hat and trample hallowed ground. Beck should take his "Restoring Honor" rally to a landfill or a slaughterhouse where the smell of his message won't offend the scenery. Just stay away from the Lincoln Memorial on Aug. 28...unless you want to see the statue of Lincoln holding his nose.

...should we sing "one,two,three calls you're out at the old World Cup"?

Please, America, stop obsessing over the lack of technology to aid in World Cup officiating. I realize that, thus far, referees at World Cup have been about as intelligent and well-reasoned as Sharon Osbourne judging America's Got Talent after an LSD bender. (Like anyone could tell!) Instant reply cameras at the matches have illustrated time and time again that officials at the games are chosen for how good they look in those little shorts rather than their eyesight. Most should have a dog and sunglasses.


Nevertheless, this is the world's game, not ours. As relative newcomers, our obligation is to play the matches, get our asses handed to us and go home. The rest of the countries involved aren't whining and crying about lost goals or missed calls. Even the Brits, victims of the most egregious call since Merkle's Boner in 1908, have maintained their customary stiff upper lip. (And no, Merkle's Boner wasn't some Viagra-induced medical condition. Look it up.) America, on the other hand, having showed up on the world soccer scene about 20 minutes ago, can't stop gassing about using instant reply to confirm or overturn bad decisions. Stop already. The graybeards at FIFA will get to it when they get to it.


Imagine if Japan complained that baseball should replace the home plate ump with a machine to call balls and strikes. Or if Venezuela demanded that the NFL reduce the number of points awarded for a field goal from three to two. Our sports community (consisting mostly of the five guys who call in to sports talk-shows every night) would explain that these games are sacrosanct and, when those countries have been playing as long as us, they can suggest rule changes.


We did pretty well in South Africa this time around. The country really got into the games. (Possibly because the time difference gave fans an excuse to be in a bar at 9:30 AM.) We'll do better next time. In the meantime, be thankful that the Obama administration is proposing a bill outlawing the sale, manufacture or importation of vuvuzelas. After all, we wouldn't want anything keeping baseball fans awake.