...or is there really no place like home?

Reasons to stay in America Part I:

Both the UK and US governments are cautioning travelers to Europe of the increased threat from Al qaeda and like-minded bad guys. The advisory stops short of a "warning" but both governments suggest caution. OK, so how exactly do I travel "cautiously"? Do I go to Paris but steer clear of the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre? What about Jim Morrison's grave? Is it OK to go to Rome as long as I avoid the Forum and the Vatican? It appears that the only way to keep from becoming a terror victim is to alert authorities to any suspicious activity by any airline passenger with skin darker than John Boehner. This might present a problem in that the capitals of Europe have sizable Middle Eastern populations. Hell, every third person in London looks like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. You could spend a week in the UK and never meet anyone who talks like John Cleese. A tourist might attempt to report unusual behavior to a uniformed guard only to discover that the guard looks scarier than the guy he's reporting. What to do?

Because most Muslims are as harmless as Hare Krishnas (are they even still around any more?) the issue is that most travelers can't tell a bad guy from a baggage handler. People are a lot more likely to be frightened by a scruffy college student than by a guy in a suit. In that the EU has the most to lose from this problem, it would appear to be theirs to correct. One way to fix the perception problem is to ban "scruffy".

How hard can this be? The French have banned the burqa. How difficult would it be to require Muslim men to grab a haircut and a beard trim before venturing out in public? (The suggestion that Middle Eastern men be required to bathe might be seen as unfairly requiring an action not practiced by the French population at large.) Europe could publish pictures of Joaquin Phoenix from his gig on Letterman as an example of unacceptable appearance. If nothing else it would generate badly needed revenue for the barbers.

The idea of a general tonsorial clean-up might not protect tourists in Europe from exploding Samsonite but it will make them feel better about the people they encounter in airports and train stations. Considering that catastrophe is a remote possibility, why not let people enjoy the allusion of safety? After all, you are far more likely to be robbed by a Roman cab driver or a French waiter than become a victim of Achmed the suicide bomber. And if the worst actually happens, at least you will have been done in by a guy that looks like Omar Sharif... and he looks marvelous.