As I was saying to my friend Wavy Davy, no one needs another diatribe on the Cordoba Cultural Center or the goofy political exploits of Sharron Angle of Nevada. However, armed with the notion that isitjustme has wasted four years pontificating on subjects no one wants to hear about, it might become necessary to broach these issues at a later date.
Today, however, we turn our attention to the sports pages. As many are aware, football season is upon us. This is a special time of year for citizens of the Washington DC area. Stephen Strasburg and Alex Ovechkin notwithstanding, Washington is a football town. People in this market take the burgundy and gold seriously. (Not like "Philadelphia" seriously but, seriously.) During the run-up to the regular season, before any games have been lost, before any fingers are pointed, before fans renew their demand that boy-owner Daniel Snyder sell his billion dollar toy, hope springs eternal. Every team is a Super Bowl champ in August.
One of the reasons for optimism this season is the acquisition of former Super Bowl coach Mike Shanahan. With their short-term memories firmly in place, the Redskin faithful are confident that Coach Shanahan will succeed where Norv Turner, Terry Robiskie, Marty Shottenheimer, Steve Spurrier, Joe Gibbs and Jim Zorn have failed. (These are the coaches hired and fired during the Snyder stewardship, 1999-2010.) Whatever magic Coach Shanahan brings to the sidelines, he figures to get about two to three years to convert it into a Lombardi Trophy.
Coach Shanahan is just the latest in a litany of "the next sure thing" personal moves by Snyder, a man with way too much money and way too little savvy. He has turned the folly of over-paying aging superstars/football divas into an art form. Think George Steinbrenner without the rings. Joining this cavalcade of mediocrity in 2009 was Albert Haynesworth. A one-time pro bowler with the Tennessee Titans, Haynesworth spent seven seasons proving: 1) that he was among the best defensive players in football and, 2) He was among the worst head cases ever to stick his head in a helmet. Ignoring the latter, Dan Snyder rewarded the former with a seven-year $100 million free agent contract in 2009. (By the way, approximately $41 million of that money is guaranteed. He doesn't have to play a down.)
And Haynesworth hasn't disappointed...at least not as a world class asshat. He clocked a decent season in '09, missing four games due to...who cares. When you make that kind of green, you play, barring a note from an undertaker. When you see an overpaid diva sit out the last game of a losing season, he's told you all you need to know about his character. Haynesworth started the '10 campaign by not starting it. He claims that the new defensive scheme put in place by defensive coordinator Jim Haslett does not suit his particular talents. That's strange because Albert's particular talent appears to be seeing how big a jerk he can be and coaches don't normally interfere with that.
Petulantly, Haynesworth arrived at training camp (having skipped a mandatory workout earlier) and immediately failed a conditioning test, repeatedly. He has groused, bitched and whined for the last three weeks about everything except the color of the locker room towels. After the preseason game against the Ravens last Saturday, Fat Albert bemoaned having to play into the third quarter, a rare occurrence for a veteran. One suspects Coach Shanahan was sending a message, namely if you won't move your ass in the off season, you'll move it now. Haynesworth has been diagnosed with rhabdomyolysis. This is a condition common to athletes who work out in August when they are out of shape. Boo! Hoo! Let's all feel sorry for this 300 pound bag of ego. Just before Haynesworth threatened to hold his breath until he turns blue, he pouted that he won't attend conditioning camps next year either. When told he was behaving like a fourth grader, Albert replied "I know you are but what am I?"
Professional team owners are mystifying. They cry poor-mouth but continue to pay obscene salaries and bonuses to washed-up stars (think "Neon" Deion Sanders) or untried rookies (Sam Bradford of Oklahoma springs to mind). Snyder went so far as to sue his own season ticket holders for not buying their contracted tickets. Nice! Complain if you must about the "look at me" antics of Chad Ochocinco or Bret Farve but at least you get full value on the field. Owners who pay ridiculous amounts to primadonnas should be forced to sit through an entire season of games between the San Diego Padres and the Texas Rangers. Each is in first place and they rank 29 and 27 respectively in payroll among 30 baseball teams. (The Cubs, by comparison, are third and currently 20 games out of first. That is a story for another day).
Money doesn't buy happiness (ask Lindsay Lohan) but it should at least purchase a little commitment. You should expect that these giant egos who, were it not for their size and speed would be wearing a paper hat or an orange apron, might feel some obligation to earn the seven figures they get paid. If Albert Haynesworth feels that his talents might be better utilized at NASA or the Brookings Institute then please, return Dan Snyder's cash and return to the University of Tennessee. Just stop crushing the football hopes of the citizens of Washington DC. We already have to suffer with John Boehner. Enough, already!
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