On Tuesday of this week (that's today) Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Farve, fresh from a victory over the Cowboys on Sunday, will participate in a little one-on-one with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell at the NFL's headquarters in New York. During this meeting Mr. Farve will discuss: 1) his overall health, 2) the health of his family and, 3) allegations that he "sexted" a photo of his man-parts to a female employee of the New York Jets while he was working as Jets quarterback in 2007. He will be required to explain why a 40 year old married man would feel the need to photograph his nether region and send the result via phone line to a woman who had shown a reluctance to date him. This cringe-producing confession will, in all likelihood, never become public but, armed with my well-developed insight into stupid behavior around women, I'm prepared to offer a possible scenario:
Well, Mr. Commissioner, you're probably wondering why a guy like me with a trunk-full of awards and millions of fans and groupies (not to mention a wife) would decide that the best way to win a woman's heart would be an 4"x 2" picture of Mr. Happy? That's a good question. In hindsight maybe a candygram would have been better. I considered flowers and jewelry but those things just didn't convey the message. After all sir, you have to admit that nothing says love like a snapshot of male genitalia. I was told that body-part photography is all the rage with younger folks and the lady in question is a good ten years younger than me. Who could have guessed that a sweet girl like Jenn Sterger, with a web site full of suggestive photos of herself, would wait two years then sell my emails and twig-and-berries picture to Deadspin? I'm kinda shocked and a little embarrassed.
OK, so here's where we have a Mars/Venus parting of the ways. Men can only marvel at the galactic stupidity of anyone in the public spotlight believing that any secret would be kept confidential for longer than it takes the Enquirer's check to clear. It would be bad enough to have your email and voicemail messages broadcast for universal consumption (remember the icky Tiger Woods voicemails). Adding a glossy of your ding-a-ling is inexcusable...not to mention unlikely to produce the desired assignation. Quick rule of thumb: if you don't want a photo of your willie used as the screen-saver for every pervert, fan-boy in America don't take its picture.
Women just shake their heads. They want to run screaming to the press and publish a full page ad in every paper in America saying "on what planet would a photo of a penis cause a girl to swoon and fall into the arms of the owner?" No woman wants to check their text messages and discover a dick-pic, even a famous one. Suppose you were at dinner with your parents or in a meeting with your boss. Context is everything. Men apparently think (if "think" is even the right word) that because they like to look at women's naughty bits, girls do too. WRONG!
In a sport as violent as professional football, it is nothing short of amazing that Brett Farve has started in 253 regular season games over 20 seasons. The guy is indestructible. Considering the constant punishment meted-out to quarterbacks, his endurance and toughness are the stuff of legend. Repeated hits to the helmet however, might explain the bizarre brain synapses that brought Brett to believe that a photo of his trouser worm was the next best thing to a blue box from Tiffany's. There's a good chance Commissioner Goodell might bring the Farve consecutive game streak to an end with a suspension. What 280 lb. linebackers were unable to accomplish over twenty years might be brought about by the small photo of a small organ. Guys! If you must turn your camera-phones on yourselves please follow these simple steps: 1) zip up, 2) smile.
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