Was there ever anything more predictable than an election in South Carolina? The state that gave us such memorable treasures as the Civil War, Strom Thurmond and Bob Jones University has continued to provide to the world a sterling example of what happens when the inmates are allowed to vote on who runs the asylum. SC is a fortune teller's delight. Predicting the outcome of any election in South Carolina is easy; merely identify the rational, reasonable candidate with a briefcase full of integrity and a clear plan for the future... then pick the other guy.
Never was this localized mental illness more on display than in Tuesday's Congressional election to fill the seat of Tim Scot (R) who was tapped by Gov. Nikki Haley (R) to fill the Senate post left vacant by Jim DeMint (R). DeMint retired from the Senate to assume the leadership of the Heritage Foundation, a Washington think tank that hasn't had a non-conservative thought since candy bars were a nickel . And so the dominoes fall. Anyway, South Carolina law requires a special election in the case of a Congressional vacancy. Enter Mark Sanford: former governor of the state, former Congressman from South Carolina's 1st District. Also former disgraced governor, former almost impeached governor, and former and current philandering governor. (Believe me, if I could add anything to the Appalachian Trail jokes I would. Sadly that well is as dry as the one for Anthony Weiner. Well, maybe not. How about "If I'd known that the Appalachian trail led directly to the bedroom of some sizzling senorita, I'd have bought hiking boots years ago." OK I'm done. )
Sanford, having escaped criminal charges for his use of state funds to follow his heart (and his johnson) to Buenos Aries, was free to attempt a redemptive run for his old seat. Sanford was counting on two factors in the election: 1) In a fractured field of 16 candidates in the Republican primary, the goobers of his district would likely vote for the only name they could identify (or maybe spell) and, 2) once nominated, the good people of SC would vote for Dzokhar Tsarnaev before they'd elect any Democrat. And what do you know, he was right. Fifty-four percent of the electorate in the first district went to the polls and proudly declared that that would love to be represented by a family values candidate who used their tax dollars to start a new family. The fact that his old family was still in residence mattered not a whit. Hey, let he who is without sin...
Conveniently, Sanford was aided by the weak opposition on the Democratic side. His opponent was Elizabeth Colbert Busch whose brother Stephen hosts a popular anti-asshat TV show on Comedy Central. It is unlikely that Colbert's comedy was a factor in the race because his show competes for southern viewers with Bridezilla on Bravo and Roadkill Recipes on the Food Network. In any event no one south of Richmond understands satire anyway.
South Carolina proudly lists its official language as English. Interestingly, anyone who has asked directions from a South Carolina gas station attendant has reason to take issue with that proclamation. In any event the English words that have clearly eluded South Carolinians include: fraud, adultery, malfeasance in office, charlatan (that should have been easy. It sounds like Charleston.) and best of all hypocrite. Seriously Mark, you won the election. You proved that Abe Lincoln was right about fooling some of the people all of the time. You reminded America that you can't spell "nonsensical" without SC. However please, please don't tell us that God forgave you. God doesn't have that strong a stomach. God would have not have suggested that Sanford bring his Argentinian hot tomato to his victory speech. Mark, you were elected by a collection of extremist conservatives who went to the polls, put down their guns and bibles, held their noses and pulled a lever for the not-Democrat. Congratulations Mark but remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
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