Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia have been engaged in a hissy-fit pillow fight since they were paired in the third round of the Players Championship at Sawgrass on May 11. Note: if you're not a golfer this next bit will both amaze and stupify. The incident that got the most recent dust-up started happened on the second hole. The two golfers were on opposite sides of the fairway. Sergio was away so he would hit first. To hear Sergio tell it, Tiger waited until Sergio was in his backswing, then pulled a wood from his bag. Because the crowd following Tiger expected to see an iron, they shouted their approval at the club selection. This sudden uproar caused Sergio to miss-hit his shot. Mr. Garcia contends that this show of poor sportsmanship cost him the hole, the round and the championship. Tiger tells a different tale. Also the TV footage shows that, when the crowd erupted, Sergio had plenty of time to back off the shot. He chose to hit anyway.
Since the "Great Club-Choosing Controversy" (which Fox News labeled as "bigger than Watergate") Woods and Garcia have been sniping back and forth in every social media imaginable. A selection is even available on Pandora. Clearly, this must end. And so we can imagine that Tiger's agent and Sergio's agent arranged for a clandestine meeting between the two golfers. The scene: Butler Cabin on the grounds of Augusta National. Away from the cameras and armed only with a quart of tequila and a box of fine cigars, the two champions can finally settle their differences. Let's listen:
Tiger: Well Sergio, I don't know why it took us this long to get together. We play in a lot of the same tournaments. Of course, it's tough to arrange a meeting when you're leaving the course on Friday night and I'm there until Sunday. Have a drink?
Sergio: Thanks Tiger, don't mind if I do. We should be amigos. After all we both have the same number of endorsement deals...which is none. In my case it's because, during a four day tournament, I'm guaranteed to blow up like the Hindenburg. For you it's because your love life has made you as toxic as a Chernobyl swimming pool. Nike only held on because your name was on more shit than Donald Trump. Let me pour you a drink.
Tiger: Yeah, you're right. After all, between us we have amassed fourteen Major Championships and ten PGA Player of the Year awards. Of course none of those were yours but hey, your career's not over..is it?
Sergio: Not by a long shot. And speaking of long shots you really hosed me on #2 at Sawgrass. I'm lucky I even hit the ball.
Tiger: Yeah sorry about that. But seriously if you could manage to hit a drive past the women's tees once in a while, you wouldn't have to hit first in the fairway. Jesus, my girlfriend Lindsey Vonn can hit it farther than you with a ski pole. Have another blast of this most excellent tequila.
Sergio: Don't mind if I do. So you admit you excited the crowd on purpose to screw up my shot?
Tiger: Shit yeah! You fold up like a cheap suit at the slightest distraction. Oh and by the way, as long as we're coming clean, I sort of bribed your caddy to replace your ball on #17 with a whiffle ball. You couldn't have gotten that shot over the water with a howitzer.
Sergio: Well as long as we're telling secrets, remember Thanksgiving night in 2009? When you fought with your wife and drove your Caddy (the car not the bag-carrier) into a hydrant?
Tiger: It would be hard to forget, why?
Sergio: Well the reason you lost control of the car might be because I disconnected the steering column from the wheels. Wow, when you hit that hydrant, water shooting everywhere, I about wet my $600 Bobby Jones pants. Have another drink.
Tiger: Cute Sergio. I suppose you'll tell me next that it was you who called my wife about my boning all those waitresses.
Sergio: Better than that. Two of those bimbos were my cousins. Not all the hookers in my family are golfers. Another drink mi amigo?
Tiger: You bet. Jesus, this is a lot to process. I certainly feel a bit better about some of the dirty tricks that I've played on you over the years.
Sergio: Like what?
Tiger: Well, remember the time you were held at customs in Orlando? That might be because someone called INS and reported that a "little Mexican carrying golf balls full of cocaine" was landing from Asia.
Sergio: But I'm from Madrid.
Tiger: Yeah tomatoes, tomaatos. You all look alike to an $11.00 an hour high school grad in a uniform. They held you for a day and a half as I recall.
Sergio: That's terrible. What else?
Tiger: Oh yeah, remember when you were dating Greg Norman's daughter Morgan-Leigh? Well I heard that someone told her you were gay. It was easy to convince her. After all you did go out with Martina Hingis the tennis player. Women's tennis has more lesbians that the will-call line at the Lilith Fair.
Sergio: Oh yeah! Well the next time that your ex wife lets you near your two kids, take a real good look. That's right Nike-boy, Sam and Charlie might as well be named Sergio Uno and Sergio Dos. That's not African American you're looking at. It's pure Castilian. It seemed that Elin preferred a bit of chorizo to that half-Asian spring roll you've been showing to every truck stop waitress and checkout clerk at Walmart. How did she put it "Tiger may have a great short game but his driver was strictly from limpsville."
Tiger: At least I have a wife paella-face. Word around the clubhouse is that you're hitting from both sides of the ball. You've been wearing pink knickers for years and telling anyone who asked that it was for breast cancer awareness. I heard that, in Spain, the sound of your zipper frightened the sheep across three counties.
Sergio: That's an ugly rumor started by Seve Ballesteros because I wouldn't let him date my sister.
Anyway the important thing is that all that animosity is behind us. We should make a deal: no more tweets or Facebook posting about each other.
Tiger: Are you sure that's what you want? If it wasn't for me, you'd be washing golf carts at some muni course in Barcelona. Our "feud" is the only thing keeping you in the golf conversation. Are you going to finish that last swallow of tequila?
Sergio: No you take it. Maybe you're right. Your cheap shots at me are the only thing that proves to fans that you weren't manufactured in some mocha golf factory. Face it! Most of the time you exhibit the personality of a bag of tees. It least regarding me you appear human...if a bit churlish. I guess we need each other. By the way, I drank a little too much of that tequila. I can't move my legs.
Tiger: Me neither. I guess we'll have to stay here a while. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I poured honey in Phil Michelson's golf bag? Well it was really hot and...
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