Things of which I am officially sick:
1) The health care debate.
As if "debate" was even what is happening in the country today. If the colossally ill-informed people of white middle-America want to live out the remainder of their days in fear of what a family medical emergency might do to them and their finances; fine. If they have forgotten every horror story they ever heard from the next door neighbor about Aunt Harriet who was diagnosed with whatever and couldn't get Aetna or Blue Cross to cover the treatment; great. If they imagine that a government run health plan will be any more odious than the private, for-profit insurance companies currently conspiring to deny coverage for any specious reason; terrific. After a year of patiently explaining the facts of health care to these mopes, I'm done. If we pass it; great. If we don't; fine. Let Max Baccus and Chuck Grassley explain to their constituents why bankruptcy and welfare are viable alternatives to the public option.
I'm done.
2) The reintroduction of Michael Vick into pro football.
Please! If Michael Vick were a steamfitter would anyone care of he went back to his job after a term as a guest of the federal penal system? It's not as though he was a child molester applying for his old teaching job at the local grammar school. I mean how many dogs is he likely to encounter on your average gridiron? The man did his time (and a lot of time it was). Let him play.
3) Steroids in baseball.
We are attacking this from the wrong angle. We should permit, even encourage, professional athletes to take as many performance enhancing drugs as their swollen bodies will tolerate. Admit it. We all want to see baseballs fly over the walls. Is there anyone in America who, having seen Sammy Sosa balloon from a skinny Dominican (fifteen homers in his first year in the Bigs) to a bulky, uniform-tearing killer who bashed 60 home runs for three consecutive years, didn't know he was juicing? Did anyone care? If these guys want to destroy their bodies and shrivel their johnsons for the chance to make a few million in pro ball, let 'em. Athletes believe they are immortal so why not give them a chance to test the theory? Wrestlers do it all the time and no one bats an eye. I say, bring out the juice and if one of our diamond heroes should explode while rounding second base, the ground crew is more than capable of dealing with the clean-up.
Play ball.
4) The bizarre arrest of Roman Polanski in Switzerland.
Well, I guess now that the guardians of liberty in the federal government have arrested Najibullah Zazi and his band of merry bomb-makers, they are free to apprehend some real criminals. In a deal worked out with the Swiss, who apparently also have a lot of law-enforcement time on their hands, Polanski was arrested last Saturday in Zurich while traveling to a film festival. Yes, Polanski is a bit of a sleaze and he did have sex with a thirteen year-old (statutory not forcible) but seriously, the original arrest warrant was issued in 1978. It has more dust on it than George Bush's copy of the Constitution. Polanski is 76. He has lived through Nazi Germany and the horrific murder of his wife and unborn son. His exile from the United States has deprived him of the joy of Netflix, drive-through liquor stores and the rapturous excitement of voting for George W. Bush...twice. The man has suffered enough!
5) Anything to do with the death of Michael Jackson.
Given that the 24 hour news cycle requires constant nourishment, one can sympathize with the media's need to cover every story as if it were WWII. Nevertheless, Michael Jackson wasn't Gandhi, Kennedy or John Paul II. His death, while tragic, was not historically significant. His final resting place is grist for an obit, not the front page of the Washington Post. The investigation of his death should be followed on Entertainment Tonight not Meet The Press. The headline "I Had Michael Jackson's Third Child" should remain in supermarket checkout lines and never, ever show up in the Magazine section of the New York Times. Dignity, people!
6) All things revealed to Oprah.
Hey, Oprah's OK. She's non-confrontational and mildly entertaining. (Not that I would ever watch the show.) However, sleeping with your father (Mackenzie Phillips), abuse as a child (Rosie O'Donnell), or how you crack-smoked away a flourishing career (Whitney Houston) should never be more than one day stories. Celebrities screwing up their lives is about as novel as politicians cheating on their wives. Of course, if the politician is a family-values, anti-gay Republican I fully anticipate and applaud the miscreant's wife flogging her new tell-all book...on Oprah.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
...or were we a little hasty in letting all of the Southern States back in the Union?
Pardon my indelicate phraseology but, WTF is wrong with South Carolina? For a state whose primary contribution to society is South of the Border and a few pretty good golf courses, South Carolina has been nothing but trouble. Hell, even the coach of the university's football team is a jerk.
In the debates at the Continental Congress it was South Carolina's Edward Rutledge, then the youngest delegate, who insisted on removing the clause from the Declaration of Independence that condemned slavery. Throughout the first fifty years of the Republic, Congressmen and Senators from the Palmetto State did all they could to disrupt the Federal Government. Most notable among the troublemakers was John C. Calhoun. As a senator and twice vice president, Calhoun forced his brand of states' rights, including every man's right to own other men, on a country conflicted. SC has been a carbuncle on the behind of the body politic since 1861 when it was the first state to secede from the Union. We should have let it go.
To judge by the conduct of South Carolina politicians since 1865, you might be confused as to who finished second in the War Between the States. SC has sent a bellicose if unremarkable succession of nullifiers and obstructionists to both Houses of Congress. Most recently we had Strom Thurman, a man so determined to deny civil rights to African Americans that he changed parties rather than support Johnson's Civil Rights Act of 1964. Thurmond was quoted in 1948 saying "There's not enough troops in the army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigra race into our theaters..." Naturally, the people of South Carolina continued to send Senator Thurmond back to Congress every six years in spite of his failing mental health. I guess it was hard to tell.
Now we have Jim DeMint and Joe Wilson. DeMint has been in the Senate since 2005 and although still in his first term, has managed to piss on every good-government campfire since he arrived. DeMint carries a full bag of Rightwing Conservative claptrap. He's opposed to abortion, hates gays, blah blah blah. He was one of only two Senators to oppose Hillary Clinton's appointment to be Secretary of State. (The other was David "I have all my hookers on speed dial" Vetter.)
Then we come to the primary reason for this screed, Joe Wilson. Wilson earned his white sheet while working as an aide to Strom Thurmond in the early 60's. His unremarkable rise to pseudo prominence in South Carolina politics has been...unremarkable. The only impression he is likely to leave on the legislative process is the stain he left last night. Achieving a new high in low, Rep. Wilson proved that there is a species in South Carolina even farther down the food chain than Mark Sanford. By interrupting the President of The United States with the cat-call "you lie", Wilson proved that the Republican response to the President's leadership on healthcare is nothing more than bad manners. FYI, the President's assertion that the healthcare bill makes no provision for illegals has been fully vetted by factcheck.org. One can only be reminded of the quote by Joseph Welsh during the Army-McCarthy hearings in 1954, "Have you no sense of decency sir?"
Happily, no one thus far has rushed to defend Joe Wilson. (No doubt Fox News will find a silver lining.) John McCain called the outburst "totally disrespectful". Wilson has apologized but it's too early to know how sorry he may actually be. He won his district in 2008 by the slimmest margin so far and last night's performance has already fattened the war-chest of his opponent in 2010.
Tragically, Wilson although despicable, is more a symptom than a disease. The visceral reaction of southerners to a black liberal in the White House is leaking all over American politics. It seems that any breech of etiquette, any secession of civility, any deplorable conduct is to be understood because "that guy" is in the White House. Barack Obama is far from sainthood (although he can see it from where he's standing) but he is The President. Regardless of the damage done to the office by the Bush/Cheney cabal, we still expect our elected leaders to shut up and let the man talk.
Anyway one can't help feeling sorry for South Carolina. When all anyone remembers about a visit to your state is the cheese grits in Charleston, or the 12th hole at Tradition Golf Club, we can feel your pain. However let this be a warning: we of the other 49 will only tolerate your boorishness for so long. Shape up! Toss out your unzipped governor and start electing people who don't eat with their fingers. If you don't fix yourselves, we might just trade you back to Great Britain for Monserrat and an island to be named later. You'll have no one but Joe Wilson to blame.
In the debates at the Continental Congress it was South Carolina's Edward Rutledge, then the youngest delegate, who insisted on removing the clause from the Declaration of Independence that condemned slavery. Throughout the first fifty years of the Republic, Congressmen and Senators from the Palmetto State did all they could to disrupt the Federal Government. Most notable among the troublemakers was John C. Calhoun. As a senator and twice vice president, Calhoun forced his brand of states' rights, including every man's right to own other men, on a country conflicted. SC has been a carbuncle on the behind of the body politic since 1861 when it was the first state to secede from the Union. We should have let it go.
To judge by the conduct of South Carolina politicians since 1865, you might be confused as to who finished second in the War Between the States. SC has sent a bellicose if unremarkable succession of nullifiers and obstructionists to both Houses of Congress. Most recently we had Strom Thurman, a man so determined to deny civil rights to African Americans that he changed parties rather than support Johnson's Civil Rights Act of 1964. Thurmond was quoted in 1948 saying "There's not enough troops in the army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigra race into our theaters..." Naturally, the people of South Carolina continued to send Senator Thurmond back to Congress every six years in spite of his failing mental health. I guess it was hard to tell.
Now we have Jim DeMint and Joe Wilson. DeMint has been in the Senate since 2005 and although still in his first term, has managed to piss on every good-government campfire since he arrived. DeMint carries a full bag of Rightwing Conservative claptrap. He's opposed to abortion, hates gays, blah blah blah. He was one of only two Senators to oppose Hillary Clinton's appointment to be Secretary of State. (The other was David "I have all my hookers on speed dial" Vetter.)
Then we come to the primary reason for this screed, Joe Wilson. Wilson earned his white sheet while working as an aide to Strom Thurmond in the early 60's. His unremarkable rise to pseudo prominence in South Carolina politics has been...unremarkable. The only impression he is likely to leave on the legislative process is the stain he left last night. Achieving a new high in low, Rep. Wilson proved that there is a species in South Carolina even farther down the food chain than Mark Sanford. By interrupting the President of The United States with the cat-call "you lie", Wilson proved that the Republican response to the President's leadership on healthcare is nothing more than bad manners. FYI, the President's assertion that the healthcare bill makes no provision for illegals has been fully vetted by factcheck.org. One can only be reminded of the quote by Joseph Welsh during the Army-McCarthy hearings in 1954, "Have you no sense of decency sir?"
Happily, no one thus far has rushed to defend Joe Wilson. (No doubt Fox News will find a silver lining.) John McCain called the outburst "totally disrespectful". Wilson has apologized but it's too early to know how sorry he may actually be. He won his district in 2008 by the slimmest margin so far and last night's performance has already fattened the war-chest of his opponent in 2010.
Tragically, Wilson although despicable, is more a symptom than a disease. The visceral reaction of southerners to a black liberal in the White House is leaking all over American politics. It seems that any breech of etiquette, any secession of civility, any deplorable conduct is to be understood because "that guy" is in the White House. Barack Obama is far from sainthood (although he can see it from where he's standing) but he is The President. Regardless of the damage done to the office by the Bush/Cheney cabal, we still expect our elected leaders to shut up and let the man talk.
Anyway one can't help feeling sorry for South Carolina. When all anyone remembers about a visit to your state is the cheese grits in Charleston, or the 12th hole at Tradition Golf Club, we can feel your pain. However let this be a warning: we of the other 49 will only tolerate your boorishness for so long. Shape up! Toss out your unzipped governor and start electing people who don't eat with their fingers. If you don't fix yourselves, we might just trade you back to Great Britain for Monserrat and an island to be named later. You'll have no one but Joe Wilson to blame.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
...or are optimists just people who disconnected their cable TV?
Item
Another election in Afghanistan. Another recount. Both sides declare victory. Rumors of voter fraud.
All among you who care which of these thieves wins this politics-in-a-petri-dish, lab experiment, stand over there. As I suspected...no one.
Why the United States insists on fostering these travesty elections in countries that aren't ready, is a mystery. People in places like Iraq and Afghanistan are focused on more primal concerns like where their next meal is coming from or will their marketplace blow up while they are there.. Which one of their leaders gets elected to share in the opium profits is not among their primary concerns.
No other country has the hubris to proclaim their governing system is perfect and everyone should want to be like them. Actually, having watched the absurd events of this last August in the U.S., most third-world countries would prefer a good dictatorship any day. At least they wouldn't be forced to listen to Chuck Grassley and Max Baccus. Anyway, most third-world citizens may not have democracy but they already have health care.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Please raise your hand if you knew that prostitution was legal in Rhode Island. Seriously, we all knew about Nevada but Rhode Island? True fact! It seems that way back in 1980 legislators were rushing to finish a bill to improve prosecutions. In their haste they inadvertently omitted the section that addressed the actual act of prostitution. In 2003 the loophole was discovered and, as long as the transaction takes place indoors (a virtual certainly in chilly Providence), the sex trade is legal.
As expected, several Republican state legislators are working day and night to close the loophole...and the brothels. (Republicans prefer to do their boinking outdoors, say on the Appalachian Trail.) New Englanders, reluctant to part with any freedoms, are resisting the attempt. Between the ACLU, civil libertarians and presumably the sailors from Newport Naval Station, opposition is stiff. (Sorry!)
The moral of the story is that legislators should read what they vote to approve or prohibit. But wait! Didn't we already learn that lesson with the Patriot Act? The paranoid fear that produced that perversion of the legislative process was also concerned with the loss of freedom and the screwing of the American people ...and it didn't even have to be indoors.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
The President of the United States addressed the students of America yesterday and the world as we know it did not come to an end. Honestly, how much misinformation and outright bullshit will the old, white Republican right tolerate before they begin to think for themselves?
Folks, let's handle your issues one at a time: Barack Obama was born in America. If you think otherwise, you're an idiot. He isn't trying to indoctrinate America's youth under the guise of a "stay in school" message. If you imagine otherwise, you're a tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy nut. And, if you believe he's going to take your government sponsored Medicare by replacing it with another government sponsored health plan well, actually, he is and everyone except the shareholders of healthcare companies will benefit.
He is black and he is your President. Please...go find something else to do beside rave at your legislators at town hall meetings. You look stupid and ill informed. If you must protest, go do it at Rush Limbaugh's recording studio. He's the one making you look like clueless sheep.
Another election in Afghanistan. Another recount. Both sides declare victory. Rumors of voter fraud.
All among you who care which of these thieves wins this politics-in-a-petri-dish, lab experiment, stand over there. As I suspected...no one.
Why the United States insists on fostering these travesty elections in countries that aren't ready, is a mystery. People in places like Iraq and Afghanistan are focused on more primal concerns like where their next meal is coming from or will their marketplace blow up while they are there.. Which one of their leaders gets elected to share in the opium profits is not among their primary concerns.
No other country has the hubris to proclaim their governing system is perfect and everyone should want to be like them. Actually, having watched the absurd events of this last August in the U.S., most third-world countries would prefer a good dictatorship any day. At least they wouldn't be forced to listen to Chuck Grassley and Max Baccus. Anyway, most third-world citizens may not have democracy but they already have health care.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Please raise your hand if you knew that prostitution was legal in Rhode Island. Seriously, we all knew about Nevada but Rhode Island? True fact! It seems that way back in 1980 legislators were rushing to finish a bill to improve prosecutions. In their haste they inadvertently omitted the section that addressed the actual act of prostitution. In 2003 the loophole was discovered and, as long as the transaction takes place indoors (a virtual certainly in chilly Providence), the sex trade is legal.
As expected, several Republican state legislators are working day and night to close the loophole...and the brothels. (Republicans prefer to do their boinking outdoors, say on the Appalachian Trail.) New Englanders, reluctant to part with any freedoms, are resisting the attempt. Between the ACLU, civil libertarians and presumably the sailors from Newport Naval Station, opposition is stiff. (Sorry!)
The moral of the story is that legislators should read what they vote to approve or prohibit. But wait! Didn't we already learn that lesson with the Patriot Act? The paranoid fear that produced that perversion of the legislative process was also concerned with the loss of freedom and the screwing of the American people ...and it didn't even have to be indoors.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
The President of the United States addressed the students of America yesterday and the world as we know it did not come to an end. Honestly, how much misinformation and outright bullshit will the old, white Republican right tolerate before they begin to think for themselves?
Folks, let's handle your issues one at a time: Barack Obama was born in America. If you think otherwise, you're an idiot. He isn't trying to indoctrinate America's youth under the guise of a "stay in school" message. If you imagine otherwise, you're a tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy nut. And, if you believe he's going to take your government sponsored Medicare by replacing it with another government sponsored health plan well, actually, he is and everyone except the shareholders of healthcare companies will benefit.
He is black and he is your President. Please...go find something else to do beside rave at your legislators at town hall meetings. You look stupid and ill informed. If you must protest, go do it at Rush Limbaugh's recording studio. He's the one making you look like clueless sheep.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
...or will Virginia vote to return to the good old days...say 1700?
Politically, there is no state in the Union more interesting than Virginia. Since the founding of the Republic, Virginians have always thought of themselves as a cut above. After all, when you have given the country such national treasures as Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Patrick Henry and Robert Edward Lee, (not to mention Sam Snead, Arthur Ashe and Fran Tarkenton) you have a right to feel superior. Politics in the state has always been a dignified affair. Although a late and reluctant addition to the Confederacy, Virginia contributed many of the South's generals and of course its capital city.
For most of the last hundred years Virginia has been a reliable member of the league of southern gentlemen. Virginia went Democratic when Democrats favored a separation of the races and turned Republican when state's rights became the vogue. Lately however, Virginia has seen a noticeable shift toward a more independent line of thought. The election of two Democratic Senators and two consecutive Democratic governors is considerably more significant in Virginia than in states with large urban centers.
In the election that put a black candidate in the White House, Virginia went 52% to 48% for Obama. The influx of dreaded liberals in the D.C. suburbs is unquestionably a factor but it doesn't tell the entire story. Pockets of Democrats inhabit several areas along the East Coast. Much of President Obama's support originated in the center of the state.
This bit of history is interesting for two reasons: 1) Virginia has had a non-succession law for its governors on the books since 1971. 2) America is watching the upcoming election in Virginia for signs of a chink in the Obama armour. Unfortunately, the election in Virginia will tell us almost nothing about the National mood. The guy who said "all politics is local" (I think it was Cain just before he negated his brother's vote) knew what he was talking about. The governor's race in Virginia will not be the first referendum on the Obama administration. It will be, as it ever was, a race about all the moronic social issues that Americans have been fretting over since Reagan.
The candidates, just in case you're not a political wonk, are: in the blue corner, Creigh (rhymes with flea) Deeds and, wearing the red trunks, Robert "Bob" McDonnell. Mr. Deeds won an impressive primary fight in June against the better known better funded Terry McAuliffe. McDonnell got the nomination because, well, nobody else wanted it.
Although Deeds impressed everyone with his come-from-nowhere victory in the primary, his return to nowhere has surprised and concerned Democrats throughout the state. As of last week Mr. McDonnell had a 15% lead in the polls and appeared to be pulling away. Ah, but not so fast Bob. Just like George Allen saw his senatorial (and presidential) hopes disappear in the blink of an eye, (please YouTube "George Allen, Macaca") Bob McDonnell is about to see his soaring lead over Mr. Deeds return to earth.
The Washington Post has had the poor manners to unearth Mr. McDonnell's graduate thesis, written in 1989 (not 1789) when Bob was a grad student at Regent University. Let's forget for the moment that Regent University was formerly known as Christian Broadcasting Network University and was founded by that progressive thinker Pat Robertson. Let's also forget that Regent U. ranks somewhere near Ted's On-line Divinity School and Used Car Sales as a seat of higher learning.
In his treatise, Mr. McDonnell expresses a vision of society (the paper is called The Republican Party's Vision for the family) that would have been a blueprint for a family home in Salem Mass. in 1700. He opposes women in the workplace as detrimental to family values. Daycare, because it encourages women to work, is also criticized. He opposes the Supreme Court decision (Griswold v. Connecticut) to invalidate the ban on contraception counselling for married couples because it "promotes a view of liberty based on radical individualism". (Those of you who didn't know that counselling on contraception was ever against the law, line up behind me.)
Mr. McDonnell's screed on modernism would have made a wonderful resume-stuffer had he been applying for headmaster of a Dickensian boarding school, but for a governor of a blueish state in 2009, not so much. His views oppose homosexuality, cohabitators and fornicators (Yes, Virginia, he actually used the word "fornicators").
These are not just personal opinions or religiously held beliefs. Old Bob advises that we incorporate his views into public policy. "Every level of government should statutorily and procedurally prefer married couples..." "The cost of sin should fall on the sinner not on the taxpayer." Praise Jesus! This guy makes Ozzie and Harriet look positively ribald. (I never thought I'd ever get to use fornicator and ribald in the same piece.)
Naturally, McDonnell says that this is all just a big mistake. He has matured since 1989...when he was 34. In twenty years he has, he says, zoomed from the days of whale-bone corsets and floor-length skirts to a more enlightened world view. Having a daughter who served in Iraq will do that for you. Even an evangelical is slow to argue against equal pay for equal work with a lady packing an AK-47.
The beautiful irony in this story is the Republican claim that all this talk of antiquated social policy is distracting from the "real" issues of the campaign. Ha! The party that spent the last thirty years yelling about homos, free condoms in schools, family values and the godless scourge of liberalism now decries those issues as irrelevant. In 2000, Bob McDonnell would have been proud to describe feminism as "one of the real enemies of the traditional family". Now he's doing an Usain Bolt running away.
The election is still two months away and it will take more than an evangelical wet dream to sink Bob McDonnell. The Virginia economy is still sketchy and Democrats are still feared and hated in many parts of the state. Recent successful candidates have danced away from third-rail issues like gun control and the death penalty. Nevertheless, it's encouraging to see a Republican, running in a Southern State, disavowing right-wing social policy. If you're looking for a national trend, hopefully this is it. Glory Hallelujah and can I get an Amen!
For most of the last hundred years Virginia has been a reliable member of the league of southern gentlemen. Virginia went Democratic when Democrats favored a separation of the races and turned Republican when state's rights became the vogue. Lately however, Virginia has seen a noticeable shift toward a more independent line of thought. The election of two Democratic Senators and two consecutive Democratic governors is considerably more significant in Virginia than in states with large urban centers.
In the election that put a black candidate in the White House, Virginia went 52% to 48% for Obama. The influx of dreaded liberals in the D.C. suburbs is unquestionably a factor but it doesn't tell the entire story. Pockets of Democrats inhabit several areas along the East Coast. Much of President Obama's support originated in the center of the state.
This bit of history is interesting for two reasons: 1) Virginia has had a non-succession law for its governors on the books since 1971. 2) America is watching the upcoming election in Virginia for signs of a chink in the Obama armour. Unfortunately, the election in Virginia will tell us almost nothing about the National mood. The guy who said "all politics is local" (I think it was Cain just before he negated his brother's vote) knew what he was talking about. The governor's race in Virginia will not be the first referendum on the Obama administration. It will be, as it ever was, a race about all the moronic social issues that Americans have been fretting over since Reagan.
The candidates, just in case you're not a political wonk, are: in the blue corner, Creigh (rhymes with flea) Deeds and, wearing the red trunks, Robert "Bob" McDonnell. Mr. Deeds won an impressive primary fight in June against the better known better funded Terry McAuliffe. McDonnell got the nomination because, well, nobody else wanted it.
Although Deeds impressed everyone with his come-from-nowhere victory in the primary, his return to nowhere has surprised and concerned Democrats throughout the state. As of last week Mr. McDonnell had a 15% lead in the polls and appeared to be pulling away. Ah, but not so fast Bob. Just like George Allen saw his senatorial (and presidential) hopes disappear in the blink of an eye, (please YouTube "George Allen, Macaca") Bob McDonnell is about to see his soaring lead over Mr. Deeds return to earth.
The Washington Post has had the poor manners to unearth Mr. McDonnell's graduate thesis, written in 1989 (not 1789) when Bob was a grad student at Regent University. Let's forget for the moment that Regent University was formerly known as Christian Broadcasting Network University and was founded by that progressive thinker Pat Robertson. Let's also forget that Regent U. ranks somewhere near Ted's On-line Divinity School and Used Car Sales as a seat of higher learning.
In his treatise, Mr. McDonnell expresses a vision of society (the paper is called The Republican Party's Vision for the family) that would have been a blueprint for a family home in Salem Mass. in 1700. He opposes women in the workplace as detrimental to family values. Daycare, because it encourages women to work, is also criticized. He opposes the Supreme Court decision (Griswold v. Connecticut) to invalidate the ban on contraception counselling for married couples because it "promotes a view of liberty based on radical individualism". (Those of you who didn't know that counselling on contraception was ever against the law, line up behind me.)
Mr. McDonnell's screed on modernism would have made a wonderful resume-stuffer had he been applying for headmaster of a Dickensian boarding school, but for a governor of a blueish state in 2009, not so much. His views oppose homosexuality, cohabitators and fornicators (Yes, Virginia, he actually used the word "fornicators").
These are not just personal opinions or religiously held beliefs. Old Bob advises that we incorporate his views into public policy. "Every level of government should statutorily and procedurally prefer married couples..." "The cost of sin should fall on the sinner not on the taxpayer." Praise Jesus! This guy makes Ozzie and Harriet look positively ribald. (I never thought I'd ever get to use fornicator and ribald in the same piece.)
Naturally, McDonnell says that this is all just a big mistake. He has matured since 1989...when he was 34. In twenty years he has, he says, zoomed from the days of whale-bone corsets and floor-length skirts to a more enlightened world view. Having a daughter who served in Iraq will do that for you. Even an evangelical is slow to argue against equal pay for equal work with a lady packing an AK-47.
The beautiful irony in this story is the Republican claim that all this talk of antiquated social policy is distracting from the "real" issues of the campaign. Ha! The party that spent the last thirty years yelling about homos, free condoms in schools, family values and the godless scourge of liberalism now decries those issues as irrelevant. In 2000, Bob McDonnell would have been proud to describe feminism as "one of the real enemies of the traditional family". Now he's doing an Usain Bolt running away.
The election is still two months away and it will take more than an evangelical wet dream to sink Bob McDonnell. The Virginia economy is still sketchy and Democrats are still feared and hated in many parts of the state. Recent successful candidates have danced away from third-rail issues like gun control and the death penalty. Nevertheless, it's encouraging to see a Republican, running in a Southern State, disavowing right-wing social policy. If you're looking for a national trend, hopefully this is it. Glory Hallelujah and can I get an Amen!
Monday, August 31, 2009
...or does the Republican party have even less faith in itself than the American people do?
Republicans used to stand for something: free enterprise, small government, lower taxes. These principles were responsible for the election of Herbert Hoover, Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan (as to what principles were responsible for the election of George W. Bush, I have no earthly idea). Although not always true to the ideals (Reagan's defense spending put a serious hole in the budget) at least those men gave it to you straight. Their core beliefs were that the American people would see the wisdom of their ideas and vote accordingly.
Now we have 2009. The Republican ethos is in decline, not because people want higher taxes and more government but because the previous chief executive had sawdust for brains. Republicans have had the political rug pulled out from under them. Not only do the Democrats control both houses of Congress, they have a rock star in the White House. The GOP has no cogent plan, no remedy for Iraq, the recession or unemployment. Hell, they don't even have a leader/spokesperson/champion. When John Boehner, Mitch McConnell and Jim Demint are your frontmen you need to change your campaign color from red to gray.
Having decided that a recitation of your beliefs is putting America to sleep, the GOP has hit upon a new grand strategy; scare the bejeebers out of old people. If you can get someone on TV to repeat the stuff you make up (hello Fox News), seniors will gobble it up. Old people believe what their TV's tell them. They remember Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Morrow and Huntley & Brinkley. Older Americans still watch evening news shows. Even the more even-handed news people like Katie Couric or Brian Williams will repeat absurd stories if they appear to be news. Look at the "birther" story. From the people who brought you swift boating, this trash about President Obama not being a citizen is pure fiction. Why then do 45% of Republicans believe it? They saw it on TV.
1) Some delusional right wing dickweed said it publicly. 2) Conservatives at Fox News gave it airplay. 3) Old people heard it...every day. 4) The Republican party is made up almost entirely of old people who want to believe that Fox speaks the truth. 5) Thus is born the birther movement. Quod erat demonstrandum.
Convinced that they had something here, the Republican intelligentsia (an oxymoron if ever there was one) is staying up nights to dream up more stuff with which to terrify Americans over 60. First they got Sarah Palin, queen of style over substance, to spread the terror of "death panels". Ooooohhhh! Then Chuck Grassley of Iowa introduced "your government wants to pull the plug on grandma". GOP representatives from Wyoming to Florida have been rattling the spectre of "rationing"...as if your current insurance provider isn't already doing that. Not to be outdone, Fox News discovered a Veterans Administration pamphlet produced fifteen years ago and proclaimed it a roadmap to encourage former servicemen to end their lives. (What that has to do with the current debate, you'll have to ask Glen Beck.)
Now we have a new gem from the cave of political make-believe; an RNC questionnaire has suggested that, armed with the right information, the government (presumably Democratic) might deny medical treatment to Republicans. Setting aside the relative merits of this concept (we should at least consider pulling the plug on Senator Grassley's microphone) does this make any sense to anyone? Apparently it makes sense to Micheal Steele, chairman of the RNC. He signed the letter that accompanies the questionnaire.
Healthcare is going to be expensive. That fact alone should play directly into the wheelhouse of the Republican Party. Is their faith in their own principles so weak that they can't stick to the truth? Or is it possible that the price tag alone won't be enough to discourage support for some form of healthcare reform? Like Billy Flynn sang in "Chicago", "Razzle-dazzle 'em and they'll never get wise". Stay tuned for the Republican sequel to Final Destination entitled "If You're Over 70, Don't Buy Any Green Bananas".
Now we have 2009. The Republican ethos is in decline, not because people want higher taxes and more government but because the previous chief executive had sawdust for brains. Republicans have had the political rug pulled out from under them. Not only do the Democrats control both houses of Congress, they have a rock star in the White House. The GOP has no cogent plan, no remedy for Iraq, the recession or unemployment. Hell, they don't even have a leader/spokesperson/champion. When John Boehner, Mitch McConnell and Jim Demint are your frontmen you need to change your campaign color from red to gray.
Having decided that a recitation of your beliefs is putting America to sleep, the GOP has hit upon a new grand strategy; scare the bejeebers out of old people. If you can get someone on TV to repeat the stuff you make up (hello Fox News), seniors will gobble it up. Old people believe what their TV's tell them. They remember Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Morrow and Huntley & Brinkley. Older Americans still watch evening news shows. Even the more even-handed news people like Katie Couric or Brian Williams will repeat absurd stories if they appear to be news. Look at the "birther" story. From the people who brought you swift boating, this trash about President Obama not being a citizen is pure fiction. Why then do 45% of Republicans believe it? They saw it on TV.
1) Some delusional right wing dickweed said it publicly. 2) Conservatives at Fox News gave it airplay. 3) Old people heard it...every day. 4) The Republican party is made up almost entirely of old people who want to believe that Fox speaks the truth. 5) Thus is born the birther movement. Quod erat demonstrandum.
Convinced that they had something here, the Republican intelligentsia (an oxymoron if ever there was one) is staying up nights to dream up more stuff with which to terrify Americans over 60. First they got Sarah Palin, queen of style over substance, to spread the terror of "death panels". Ooooohhhh! Then Chuck Grassley of Iowa introduced "your government wants to pull the plug on grandma". GOP representatives from Wyoming to Florida have been rattling the spectre of "rationing"...as if your current insurance provider isn't already doing that. Not to be outdone, Fox News discovered a Veterans Administration pamphlet produced fifteen years ago and proclaimed it a roadmap to encourage former servicemen to end their lives. (What that has to do with the current debate, you'll have to ask Glen Beck.)
Now we have a new gem from the cave of political make-believe; an RNC questionnaire has suggested that, armed with the right information, the government (presumably Democratic) might deny medical treatment to Republicans. Setting aside the relative merits of this concept (we should at least consider pulling the plug on Senator Grassley's microphone) does this make any sense to anyone? Apparently it makes sense to Micheal Steele, chairman of the RNC. He signed the letter that accompanies the questionnaire.
Healthcare is going to be expensive. That fact alone should play directly into the wheelhouse of the Republican Party. Is their faith in their own principles so weak that they can't stick to the truth? Or is it possible that the price tag alone won't be enough to discourage support for some form of healthcare reform? Like Billy Flynn sang in "Chicago", "Razzle-dazzle 'em and they'll never get wise". Stay tuned for the Republican sequel to Final Destination entitled "If You're Over 70, Don't Buy Any Green Bananas".
Sunday, August 30, 2009
...or is relativism only a sin of you're not a Kennedy?
OK, what am I missing?
The late Senator Edward Moore Kennedy was, by acclamation, a great man. No one in America, with the exception of the right-wing radio crowd, would deny the Senator all of the praise his career in politics has generated. Ted Kennedy was one of the truly great men in America and a force for good. His kind will not soon be seen again.
What confuses me is the obsequiousness of the Catholic Church regarding the Kennedy funeral. The band of brothers who forbade communion to supporters of John Kerry's presidential bid are lining up to pay homage to the memory of Ted Kennedy. Senator Kennedy was prayed over by more high ranking clergy than was Pope John Paul II. There were so many cardinals at the various services in Boston and Washington that I expected newsmen to report on the appearance of black or white smoke.
While the Kennedy name is inextricably linked to American Catholicism, stretching back to the Presidential race in 1960, Ted Kennedy would be an unlikely candidate for sainthood. His history of public "indiscretions" alone would testify against canonization. His record on the Senate floor reads like the Papal remake of the seven deadly sins. Kennedy's life stood in opposition to virtually every Church doctrine currently at issue. He was divorced; not that you'd ever know it judging by the praise heaped on his current wife by the mourners. He supported gay rights, and, horror of horrors, he favored a woman's right to choose. Any one of these public positions would earn most Catholics in public life a verbal if not literal excommunication. Fortunately, Senator Kennedy will be interred at Arlington Cemetery so the Church will be spared the thorny issue of burying a divorced man in consecrated ground.
Ted Kennedy deserved the grand sendoff he received. For the sake of the Kennedy family it was gratifying that no sour notes were sounded to mar the occasion. Perhaps the next time Barack Obama accepts an invitation to speak at a Catholic College, the bishops who prayed over Ted Kennedy might remember that hypocrisy, while not a sin, is an unflattering trait in any religion.
The late Senator Edward Moore Kennedy was, by acclamation, a great man. No one in America, with the exception of the right-wing radio crowd, would deny the Senator all of the praise his career in politics has generated. Ted Kennedy was one of the truly great men in America and a force for good. His kind will not soon be seen again.
What confuses me is the obsequiousness of the Catholic Church regarding the Kennedy funeral. The band of brothers who forbade communion to supporters of John Kerry's presidential bid are lining up to pay homage to the memory of Ted Kennedy. Senator Kennedy was prayed over by more high ranking clergy than was Pope John Paul II. There were so many cardinals at the various services in Boston and Washington that I expected newsmen to report on the appearance of black or white smoke.
While the Kennedy name is inextricably linked to American Catholicism, stretching back to the Presidential race in 1960, Ted Kennedy would be an unlikely candidate for sainthood. His history of public "indiscretions" alone would testify against canonization. His record on the Senate floor reads like the Papal remake of the seven deadly sins. Kennedy's life stood in opposition to virtually every Church doctrine currently at issue. He was divorced; not that you'd ever know it judging by the praise heaped on his current wife by the mourners. He supported gay rights, and, horror of horrors, he favored a woman's right to choose. Any one of these public positions would earn most Catholics in public life a verbal if not literal excommunication. Fortunately, Senator Kennedy will be interred at Arlington Cemetery so the Church will be spared the thorny issue of burying a divorced man in consecrated ground.
Ted Kennedy deserved the grand sendoff he received. For the sake of the Kennedy family it was gratifying that no sour notes were sounded to mar the occasion. Perhaps the next time Barack Obama accepts an invitation to speak at a Catholic College, the bishops who prayed over Ted Kennedy might remember that hypocrisy, while not a sin, is an unflattering trait in any religion.
Monday, August 24, 2009
... or is death paneling something I can get at Home Depot?
Item
A women in Tysons Corners, VA is teaching classes on how baby boomers can better communicate with the generations behind them. Apparently the insecurity level in American business has risen to a point where the employment of no-nothing consultants who pontificate about what you're doing wrong, is no longer enough. Employers are concerned that, if they aren't fluent in hip-hop or if they don't Twitter, they will lose all of their best and brightest employees. Now we have Anne Loehr, business coach, teaching fifty-somethings how to talk to thirty-somethings. As if we of the Vietnam generation aren't already feeling old and irrelevant enough, now we need instruction on Reality TV and how "Jon and Kate" are shaping American culture. (Please forgive the use of culture and Reality TV in the same sentence.)
Well excuse me for still breathing but there was a time when it was the younger, less experienced employees who had to make an effort to learn the language of those older than they. Having been around longer, senior employees were presumed to be smarter, having made all the mistakes already. None of my early bosses or co-workers gave a damn about my relevant life experiences. I knew nothing and therefore had little to share. You were supposed to earn your chops. Even if you work for someone younger than you (inevitable in many cases) the language of business is usually constant and universal.
I wish Ms. Loehr continued success in her educational endeavour however, in defense of the aging, remember: as long as I'm writing the salary checks, maybe you should learn to communicate with me.
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Item
John Edwards, who is valiantly holding up the Democratic end in the scandal-plagued Summer of 2009, has been outed as the father of Rielle Hunter's love child thanks to a confirming DNA test. Edwards, a multimillionaire and former Democratic candidate for President, has been noticeably quiet on the subject. His silence speaks volumes. When it becomes inevitable that he speak, perhaps he will explain how he planned to run for President with a Tyrannosaurs Rex-sized skeleton in his closet. Did he plan to arrange for Ms. Hunter to be renditioned to Egypt? Was the plan to buy the National Enquirer, who had the scandal a year before anyone else, and turn it into a farm journal?
One thing is clear: no one in America wanted to see the headline "President's Love Child to Attend The Landon School" on any newspaper. Mr. Edwards, please go away...and take Mark Sanford and John Ensign with you.
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Item
Am I the only one who noticed that the National Rifle Association was mighty quiet when the City of New York slapped Plaxico Burress with a two year sentence for carrying a loaded pistol into a New York City nightclub? Actually, no. Andrew Sullivan, in the Daily Dish, wondered "Where's the statement of outrage that a humble American gun owner like Plaxico Burress, who was only trying to protect himself and his family by carrying a gun, is being mercilessly persecuted by The Man and his draconian gun laws? Could it be that a rich, narcissistic, black football player isn't exactly the ideal poster boy for the abolition of gun laws? Do we imagine that, had Mr. Burress been a white quarterback from Nebraska, the NRA might have mustered a touch more outrage?
Face it, race matters! It matters to the mostly white NRA. It matters to the organizers of the town hall protests over healthcare and it matters to the Republican party. It is clearly not in the best interest of the slippery-slopers of the NRA to have a black, attitudinal, slouching, prison pants wearing, tattooed, arrogant Plaxico Burress (he has been sued nine times since joining the NFL in 2000) be their spokesperson. Paging Bret Farve!
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Item
Isitjustme, forever at the vanguard of American thought, has developed the perfect response to the hideous decision made by Scottish Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill in releasing convicted Lockerbie bomber Ablelbaset Ali al-Megrahi. As a withering response to this horrendous decision, the United States will henceforth refer to the clear plastic tape produced by 3m Corp as Freedom Tape (or possibly anti-freedom tape). Furthermore, the import, sale and consumption of the brown brew formerly known as scotch whiskey will be restricted with an eye toward an outright ban. Face it, the stuff tastes like furniture polish anyway. Eliminating scotch will have the added benefit of enhancing the sales of American bourbon and even improve the popularity of Canadian spirits, thereby helping a truly trusted ally. Maybe the next time a country like Scotland is faced with the decision to release a convicted mass murderer, they will remember the harsh punishment that a riled-up America can inflict. Are you listening England? Your muffins are at risk.
A women in Tysons Corners, VA is teaching classes on how baby boomers can better communicate with the generations behind them. Apparently the insecurity level in American business has risen to a point where the employment of no-nothing consultants who pontificate about what you're doing wrong, is no longer enough. Employers are concerned that, if they aren't fluent in hip-hop or if they don't Twitter, they will lose all of their best and brightest employees. Now we have Anne Loehr, business coach, teaching fifty-somethings how to talk to thirty-somethings. As if we of the Vietnam generation aren't already feeling old and irrelevant enough, now we need instruction on Reality TV and how "Jon and Kate" are shaping American culture. (Please forgive the use of culture and Reality TV in the same sentence.)
Well excuse me for still breathing but there was a time when it was the younger, less experienced employees who had to make an effort to learn the language of those older than they. Having been around longer, senior employees were presumed to be smarter, having made all the mistakes already. None of my early bosses or co-workers gave a damn about my relevant life experiences. I knew nothing and therefore had little to share. You were supposed to earn your chops. Even if you work for someone younger than you (inevitable in many cases) the language of business is usually constant and universal.
I wish Ms. Loehr continued success in her educational endeavour however, in defense of the aging, remember: as long as I'm writing the salary checks, maybe you should learn to communicate with me.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
John Edwards, who is valiantly holding up the Democratic end in the scandal-plagued Summer of 2009, has been outed as the father of Rielle Hunter's love child thanks to a confirming DNA test. Edwards, a multimillionaire and former Democratic candidate for President, has been noticeably quiet on the subject. His silence speaks volumes. When it becomes inevitable that he speak, perhaps he will explain how he planned to run for President with a Tyrannosaurs Rex-sized skeleton in his closet. Did he plan to arrange for Ms. Hunter to be renditioned to Egypt? Was the plan to buy the National Enquirer, who had the scandal a year before anyone else, and turn it into a farm journal?
One thing is clear: no one in America wanted to see the headline "President's Love Child to Attend The Landon School" on any newspaper. Mr. Edwards, please go away...and take Mark Sanford and John Ensign with you.
_____________________________________________________________________
Item
Am I the only one who noticed that the National Rifle Association was mighty quiet when the City of New York slapped Plaxico Burress with a two year sentence for carrying a loaded pistol into a New York City nightclub? Actually, no. Andrew Sullivan, in the Daily Dish, wondered "Where's the statement of outrage that a humble American gun owner like Plaxico Burress, who was only trying to protect himself and his family by carrying a gun, is being mercilessly persecuted by The Man and his draconian gun laws? Could it be that a rich, narcissistic, black football player isn't exactly the ideal poster boy for the abolition of gun laws? Do we imagine that, had Mr. Burress been a white quarterback from Nebraska, the NRA might have mustered a touch more outrage?
Face it, race matters! It matters to the mostly white NRA. It matters to the organizers of the town hall protests over healthcare and it matters to the Republican party. It is clearly not in the best interest of the slippery-slopers of the NRA to have a black, attitudinal, slouching, prison pants wearing, tattooed, arrogant Plaxico Burress (he has been sued nine times since joining the NFL in 2000) be their spokesperson. Paging Bret Farve!
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Isitjustme, forever at the vanguard of American thought, has developed the perfect response to the hideous decision made by Scottish Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill in releasing convicted Lockerbie bomber Ablelbaset Ali al-Megrahi. As a withering response to this horrendous decision, the United States will henceforth refer to the clear plastic tape produced by 3m Corp as Freedom Tape (or possibly anti-freedom tape). Furthermore, the import, sale and consumption of the brown brew formerly known as scotch whiskey will be restricted with an eye toward an outright ban. Face it, the stuff tastes like furniture polish anyway. Eliminating scotch will have the added benefit of enhancing the sales of American bourbon and even improve the popularity of Canadian spirits, thereby helping a truly trusted ally. Maybe the next time a country like Scotland is faced with the decision to release a convicted mass murderer, they will remember the harsh punishment that a riled-up America can inflict. Are you listening England? Your muffins are at risk.
Friday, August 21, 2009
...or are the dog days of summer producing more hot air than usual?
Well, even Al Gore can't blame climate change for this August. Congress is out of session. The President is on vacation on "the Vineyard". Football hasn't really started yet and the only signs of life in America should be the rush to Target to buy back-to-school-supplies.
Nevertheless, we are being bombarded with an unrelenting, screeching torrent of opinions on how to address the horrific cost of health care in America. Everyone from your mechanic to your mother-in-law to the parent next to you at the Little League field has an opinion. Many of those opinions are deeply held. Many are based on facts not in evidence (OK, so I watch too much court room TV!). One thing is clear: however the Congress finally decides, a substantial group of Americans are not going to be happy.
As always, it is the stated purpose of isitjustme to bring clarity to an otherwise cloudy debate. To wit: let's review the history:
1) Barack Obama ran for President as a change agent. One of those changes was the way we dispense and pay for health care in America.
2) Mr. Obama won the election, bringing with him a truckload of Democratic Senators and Congressmen.
3) Almost none of those Senators and Congresspersons were elected on a platform involving single-payer insurance plans or public options. (Prior to the current conflagration, most Americans imagined that public options had something to do with restroom choices.)
4) The President is determined to use his substantial majorities in both houses of Congress as well as his honeymoon popularity to changes health care in America.
It turns out that the White House has severely miscalculated. For one thing, honeymoons are now defined as the time between your inauguration and the moment you make your first decision. Also, a Democratic majority isn't actually a majority. With Democrats, loyalty to the Party and the President appears not to be a requirement...or even a suggestion. Bill Clinton discovered this lesson when he attempted to introduce acceptance of gays in the military. His party turned on him like a cheering Giants fan at an Eagles home game.
What President Obama has discovered is Americans may vote for change but they really don't want anything to actually change. Social Security, Civil Rights, Medicare, mandatory seatbelts all came into being without popular support. Makes you wonder how Prohibition ever got ratified. The reason that our little democratic republic has survived all these years is, somehow the combined efforts of the 535 self serving, power crazy, egomaniacs in Congress manage to be right more often than they are wrong. Amazing!
Anyway, we have learned a few things as a result of this little dust-up on healthcare:
1) Many Americans now know the name of the Senator from Iowa without benefit of a sordid sex scandal. The only one of his body parts that isn't where it should be is his brain.
2) We have learned that bipartisanship means, "you won the election but you still have to do things our way".
3) We have, at least, discovered a way to get old, fat, white Americans off the couch and away from reruns on the History Channel. Now if we could only get them to stop listening to Rush on the way to the town halls.
4) We've learned what P.T. Barnum, Joseph Goebbels, Joe Stalin and Karl Rove always knew: if the lies are outrageous enough and you shout them loud enough, and they play to your worst fears, you can get a lot of gullible people to believe and repeat them.
5) Sarah Palin is even more of a dillweed than was originally believed.
Sadly, we have also learned that the America of the Greatest Generation has become a timid country. Everything frightens us. Immigrants frighten us. Prisoners from Guantanamo frighten us. Muslims frighten us. Hell, our own government frightens us.(OK, maybe there's merit there.) And, change frightens us to death.
But take heart America. After all, we are still fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. The Patriot Act is still in full vigor. Karl Rove and Dick Cheney are still not in jail, and the Attorney General is still invoking executive privilege. Gays are still not permitted to marry in most states and they are still being booted from vital jobs in the military. Rush is still drawing killer ratings and no one has blackened one of Bill O'Reilly's eyes. So, aside from the departure of Paula Abdul from Idol, where's all the change?
Nevertheless, we are being bombarded with an unrelenting, screeching torrent of opinions on how to address the horrific cost of health care in America. Everyone from your mechanic to your mother-in-law to the parent next to you at the Little League field has an opinion. Many of those opinions are deeply held. Many are based on facts not in evidence (OK, so I watch too much court room TV!). One thing is clear: however the Congress finally decides, a substantial group of Americans are not going to be happy.
As always, it is the stated purpose of isitjustme to bring clarity to an otherwise cloudy debate. To wit: let's review the history:
1) Barack Obama ran for President as a change agent. One of those changes was the way we dispense and pay for health care in America.
2) Mr. Obama won the election, bringing with him a truckload of Democratic Senators and Congressmen.
3) Almost none of those Senators and Congresspersons were elected on a platform involving single-payer insurance plans or public options. (Prior to the current conflagration, most Americans imagined that public options had something to do with restroom choices.)
4) The President is determined to use his substantial majorities in both houses of Congress as well as his honeymoon popularity to changes health care in America.
It turns out that the White House has severely miscalculated. For one thing, honeymoons are now defined as the time between your inauguration and the moment you make your first decision. Also, a Democratic majority isn't actually a majority. With Democrats, loyalty to the Party and the President appears not to be a requirement...or even a suggestion. Bill Clinton discovered this lesson when he attempted to introduce acceptance of gays in the military. His party turned on him like a cheering Giants fan at an Eagles home game.
What President Obama has discovered is Americans may vote for change but they really don't want anything to actually change. Social Security, Civil Rights, Medicare, mandatory seatbelts all came into being without popular support. Makes you wonder how Prohibition ever got ratified. The reason that our little democratic republic has survived all these years is, somehow the combined efforts of the 535 self serving, power crazy, egomaniacs in Congress manage to be right more often than they are wrong. Amazing!
Anyway, we have learned a few things as a result of this little dust-up on healthcare:
1) Many Americans now know the name of the Senator from Iowa without benefit of a sordid sex scandal. The only one of his body parts that isn't where it should be is his brain.
2) We have learned that bipartisanship means, "you won the election but you still have to do things our way".
3) We have, at least, discovered a way to get old, fat, white Americans off the couch and away from reruns on the History Channel. Now if we could only get them to stop listening to Rush on the way to the town halls.
4) We've learned what P.T. Barnum, Joseph Goebbels, Joe Stalin and Karl Rove always knew: if the lies are outrageous enough and you shout them loud enough, and they play to your worst fears, you can get a lot of gullible people to believe and repeat them.
5) Sarah Palin is even more of a dillweed than was originally believed.
Sadly, we have also learned that the America of the Greatest Generation has become a timid country. Everything frightens us. Immigrants frighten us. Prisoners from Guantanamo frighten us. Muslims frighten us. Hell, our own government frightens us.(OK, maybe there's merit there.) And, change frightens us to death.
But take heart America. After all, we are still fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. The Patriot Act is still in full vigor. Karl Rove and Dick Cheney are still not in jail, and the Attorney General is still invoking executive privilege. Gays are still not permitted to marry in most states and they are still being booted from vital jobs in the military. Rush is still drawing killer ratings and no one has blackened one of Bill O'Reilly's eyes. So, aside from the departure of Paula Abdul from Idol, where's all the change?
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
...or is democracy a good idea only when the mob is on your team?
The Tyranny of the Majority is not just a cliche. Putting things up for a vote is always a dicey proposition. Imagine if we had a referendum on the Civil Rights Act in 1964. It's even money that African Americans would still be using "blacks only" water fountains. Suppose the population was asked to cast a ballot approving the Military Draft in 1863; or the first permanent income tax in 1913. We would have had no army and no money. (True, the income tax was voted on by the states in ratifying the Sixteenth Amendment but those people also ratified the Eighteenth Amendment [Prohibition] six years later, so clearly they were delirious.) If you're old enough to remember Prop 13 in California in 1978, you recall that Golden State citizens were asked to vote to halt the increase in property taxes. Naturally, it passed. You don't need a history book to guess how that turned out. Much of California's current troubles have their origins with Prop 13. Everybody thinks that they pay too much in taxes and if left to the voters, few assessments would become law.
Nevertheless the conservatives of today, with God on their side and determined to halt progress and resist any change to anything, are delighted to allow the acceptance of gay marriage to be left to a series of ballot initiatives in the fifty states. No such referendum is afforded marijuana laws. They argue that the people are the best judges of common morality and convention. Interestingly enough, no such public referendum is afforded current laws on marijuana. Judges who invalidates one of these populist laws on Constitutional grounds are immediately condemned an activist, thwarting the will of the people.
The problem with government by the people is, the will of the people is almost always wrong and has the nasty habit of exhibiting all the directional stability of a wind sock. Twenty years ago as much as 80% of America was in favor of the death penalty. Today that number is creeping toward 60%. It seems that when high schoolers can overturn capital convictions as part of a class project, even the bloodthirstiest Americans suspect a problem.
Interestingly enough, the state that has been most victimized by ballot initiatives is looking at the possibility of rewriting its Constitution and using the ballot initiative process to do it. A group called the Bay Area Council is heading an effort to pass two new propositions. One would allow the voters to call a Constitutional Convention by initiative. (Currently, only the legislature can call a convention and then only by a two-thirds margin.) The second proposition would actually convene the convention. The scope of the convention would include a possible re-engineering of the entire Sacramento government. While federal law guarantees a representative state government for all (no dictators or kings need apply) the composition of the government is left entirely up to the states.
The California initiative imagines a constitutional convention comprised of citizens chosen at random from the adult population. The reasoning goes that if no one appoints the delegates, they won't be beholden to any special interest. The plan also proposes to stay clear of social issues: no gay marriage, no affirmative action, no abortion.
However this turns out, (the plan has impressive bipartisan support) the process will be fascinating. If all goes as planned (hey, it could happen) the new constitution would be ready for a vote by the 2012 election.
Imagine if the convention decided on a parliamentary system like the Brits or a tricameral legislature instead of the current two-house system. At least the delegates will have the benefit of two hundred years of trial and error upon which to draw and we'll get to watch the whole thing on C-SPAN's first reality show. Who knows, they might even draft a clause that prohibits populist Austrian body builders from seeking high office...unless they're married to liberal royalty.
Nevertheless the conservatives of today, with God on their side and determined to halt progress and resist any change to anything, are delighted to allow the acceptance of gay marriage to be left to a series of ballot initiatives in the fifty states. No such referendum is afforded marijuana laws. They argue that the people are the best judges of common morality and convention. Interestingly enough, no such public referendum is afforded current laws on marijuana. Judges who invalidates one of these populist laws on Constitutional grounds are immediately condemned an activist, thwarting the will of the people.
The problem with government by the people is, the will of the people is almost always wrong and has the nasty habit of exhibiting all the directional stability of a wind sock. Twenty years ago as much as 80% of America was in favor of the death penalty. Today that number is creeping toward 60%. It seems that when high schoolers can overturn capital convictions as part of a class project, even the bloodthirstiest Americans suspect a problem.
Interestingly enough, the state that has been most victimized by ballot initiatives is looking at the possibility of rewriting its Constitution and using the ballot initiative process to do it. A group called the Bay Area Council is heading an effort to pass two new propositions. One would allow the voters to call a Constitutional Convention by initiative. (Currently, only the legislature can call a convention and then only by a two-thirds margin.) The second proposition would actually convene the convention. The scope of the convention would include a possible re-engineering of the entire Sacramento government. While federal law guarantees a representative state government for all (no dictators or kings need apply) the composition of the government is left entirely up to the states.
The California initiative imagines a constitutional convention comprised of citizens chosen at random from the adult population. The reasoning goes that if no one appoints the delegates, they won't be beholden to any special interest. The plan also proposes to stay clear of social issues: no gay marriage, no affirmative action, no abortion.
However this turns out, (the plan has impressive bipartisan support) the process will be fascinating. If all goes as planned (hey, it could happen) the new constitution would be ready for a vote by the 2012 election.
Imagine if the convention decided on a parliamentary system like the Brits or a tricameral legislature instead of the current two-house system. At least the delegates will have the benefit of two hundred years of trial and error upon which to draw and we'll get to watch the whole thing on C-SPAN's first reality show. Who knows, they might even draft a clause that prohibits populist Austrian body builders from seeking high office...unless they're married to liberal royalty.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
...or can we at least agree that God must have an infinite sense of humor?
While you were sleeping...
Item
A teenager in New York is suing the city for injuries suffered when she fell down an open manhole. The Staten Island native, one Alexa Longueira, was engaged in sending a text message at the time of the accident. Presumably the message was something along the lines of "OMG I like walked into a dk hole. I'm cut and like bleeding. No LOL please" Alexa was unhurt and we can only hope that, next time, the municipality of Staten Island re-covers the manhole...with Alexa still inside.
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State liquor officials in Alabama have halted the sale of Cycles Gladiator wine because the label, a reproduction of an 1895 French advertising poster, depicts a naked flying nymph.
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The British government has issued a set of guidelines for civil servants using Twitter. As you may know, Twitter messages can run to no more than 140 characters. The manual issued by the British government is 20 pages.
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It is impossible to add anything constructive to the Gates/Crowley dustup of last week except that the President, along with every other black man in America, cannot be faulted for believing that the arrest, in his own home, of a limping 57 year old black man by a white Cambridge cop, was racially motivated.
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The origins of The Family are as interesting as they are bizarre. Founded by Abraham Vereide, a Norwegian immigrant working in the poorer precincts of Seattle, Reverend Vereide (he was,among other things, a traveling preacher) determined that: 1) unions were socialist, 2) socialism was evil, and, 3) ministering to the poor was less profitable than the brochure had led him to believe. Abe claimed to have been visited by God who took the form of the president of U.S. Steel ( apparently, the ghost of Andrew Carnegie was otherwise engaged). This CEO/God assured Rev. Abe that there were already plenty of folks ministering to the poor. Abe was instructed to care for the troubled and spiritually neglected captains of industry and the leaders of America. What a break!
Delighted to cast off the smell of poverty for the sweet aroma of wealth, Reverend Vereide set about organizing his new ministry. In 1941 he arrived in Washington and immediately began acquiring converts to his "poor people are swine, greed is divine" brand of Christianity. By 1953 he had gained access to Dwight Eisenhower who was the first President to attend his National Prayer Breakfast. Presidents , including Barack Obama, have been appearing ever since.
By 1969, Reverend Vereide went to join that great country club in the sky, leaving the reins of leadership to Doug Coe. Now 81, Mr. Coe is still a powerful voice for the group. Among his religious tenants are: 1) It's OK to profess virtue and still bed your campaign workers. Morals are for the little people. 2)Hitler, Pol Pot and Osama bin Laden are to be admired as leaders who were able to organize their followers. 3) Powerful people are ordained by God and are more important in his eyes. So what was all that New Testament drivel about the difficulty of a rich man entering the kingdom of heaven?
The leaders of The Family have compared the group to the Mafia. They like a low profile. They also don't care how a man makes a living or who gets hurt in the process. In the eyes of The Family, if God did not want them shorn, he would not have made them sheep.
Like all successful Christian demigods, Coe has found a scriptural passage to justify his beliefs. Given half a chance, Christians could find a biblical imperative for dunking donuts in coffee. Coe decrees that King David, famously adulterous, was still one of God's chosen. Did David resign in the face of scandal? He did not. In other words, "It's good to be the King". This is the reason for the lack of resignations coming from those caught with their zippers at half staff. Sanford, Ensign & Co. have been advised that, because they are among the power elite, the rules of decency and morality don't apply to them. That must have come as welcome news.
Anyway, next time you find yourself in Washington, stop by the house on C Street. There's always a cup of relativism brewing along with some delicious situational morality cookies. Who knows, you might even get lucky...if your clout is big enough.
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A teenager in New York is suing the city for injuries suffered when she fell down an open manhole. The Staten Island native, one Alexa Longueira, was engaged in sending a text message at the time of the accident. Presumably the message was something along the lines of "OMG I like walked into a dk hole. I'm cut and like bleeding. No LOL please" Alexa was unhurt and we can only hope that, next time, the municipality of Staten Island re-covers the manhole...with Alexa still inside.
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State liquor officials in Alabama have halted the sale of Cycles Gladiator wine because the label, a reproduction of an 1895 French advertising poster, depicts a naked flying nymph.
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The British government has issued a set of guidelines for civil servants using Twitter. As you may know, Twitter messages can run to no more than 140 characters. The manual issued by the British government is 20 pages.
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It is impossible to add anything constructive to the Gates/Crowley dustup of last week except that the President, along with every other black man in America, cannot be faulted for believing that the arrest, in his own home, of a limping 57 year old black man by a white Cambridge cop, was racially motivated.
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The recent gaggle of scandals vexing the Republican Party has brought unwelcome attention to a fundamentalist Christian organization referred to as "The Family". The group operates out of a boarding house on C Street in Washington and includes among its followers John Ensign, who got his parents to pay off his former mistress and her husband to the tune of $96,000; Mark "hiking the Appalachian Trail" Sanford and Charles "Chip" Pickering of Mississippi who has recently been accused of using the group's C St. house as his own chateau l'amour. In case these names sound familiar, these are the same fellows who in 1998, were hunting Bill Clinton's head (while Bill Clinton was hunting head). Apparently being a swordsman is only a crime if you're a Democrat.
The origins of The Family are as interesting as they are bizarre. Founded by Abraham Vereide, a Norwegian immigrant working in the poorer precincts of Seattle, Reverend Vereide (he was,among other things, a traveling preacher) determined that: 1) unions were socialist, 2) socialism was evil, and, 3) ministering to the poor was less profitable than the brochure had led him to believe. Abe claimed to have been visited by God who took the form of the president of U.S. Steel ( apparently, the ghost of Andrew Carnegie was otherwise engaged). This CEO/God assured Rev. Abe that there were already plenty of folks ministering to the poor. Abe was instructed to care for the troubled and spiritually neglected captains of industry and the leaders of America. What a break!
Delighted to cast off the smell of poverty for the sweet aroma of wealth, Reverend Vereide set about organizing his new ministry. In 1941 he arrived in Washington and immediately began acquiring converts to his "poor people are swine, greed is divine" brand of Christianity. By 1953 he had gained access to Dwight Eisenhower who was the first President to attend his National Prayer Breakfast. Presidents , including Barack Obama, have been appearing ever since.
By 1969, Reverend Vereide went to join that great country club in the sky, leaving the reins of leadership to Doug Coe. Now 81, Mr. Coe is still a powerful voice for the group. Among his religious tenants are: 1) It's OK to profess virtue and still bed your campaign workers. Morals are for the little people. 2)Hitler, Pol Pot and Osama bin Laden are to be admired as leaders who were able to organize their followers. 3) Powerful people are ordained by God and are more important in his eyes. So what was all that New Testament drivel about the difficulty of a rich man entering the kingdom of heaven?
The leaders of The Family have compared the group to the Mafia. They like a low profile. They also don't care how a man makes a living or who gets hurt in the process. In the eyes of The Family, if God did not want them shorn, he would not have made them sheep.
Like all successful Christian demigods, Coe has found a scriptural passage to justify his beliefs. Given half a chance, Christians could find a biblical imperative for dunking donuts in coffee. Coe decrees that King David, famously adulterous, was still one of God's chosen. Did David resign in the face of scandal? He did not. In other words, "It's good to be the King". This is the reason for the lack of resignations coming from those caught with their zippers at half staff. Sanford, Ensign & Co. have been advised that, because they are among the power elite, the rules of decency and morality don't apply to them. That must have come as welcome news.
Anyway, next time you find yourself in Washington, stop by the house on C Street. There's always a cup of relativism brewing along with some delicious situational morality cookies. Who knows, you might even get lucky...if your clout is big enough.
Monday, July 06, 2009
...or are you not holding your breadth waiting for your ticket to the Michael Jackson memorial?
Did I miss the memo where Michael Jackson was declared the second coming of Gandhi? Was his performance of Billie Jean so epic that the memorial service for its creator would fill the Rose Bowl? (I know, the service is actually at the Staple Center.) Will Thriller endure in the American cultural pantheon alongside God Bless America, The Battle Hymn of The Republic or The Purple People Eater? Although it is a truism that each generation has its popular icons, the media outpouring for the King of Pop has been, to say the least, extraordinary to say the most, excessive.
Far be it from me to confuse the issue with facts but, Michael Jackson hasn't produced anything musically significant in years. What he has produced is a steady stream of head-shaking headlines. From waving his baby over the railing of a German hotel balcony to hosting children's sleepovers at the Neverland Ranch, Jackson has given new definition to the term "artist as kook". Physically, he has transformed himself (with the help of a condition called vitiligo) from an adorable black child sensation to a cartoon crossover between Plasticman and Mummenschantz. Jackson had, by the time of his death, more work done on his face that the statues on Mount Rushmore.
All of this odd behavior doesn't diminish his enormous talent and universal appeal. Thriller remains the best-selling album of all time and produced seven number one hits. His stage performances throughout the eighties were legendary. Jackson almost singlehandedly put MTV on the broadcast map. Nevertheless, the endless television coverage and the plethora of magazine cover stories is more fitting for Pope John Paul II or FDR than a musician. The single most absurd coverage to date is Anderson Cooper's trackdown of Bubbles the Chimp. CNN should be ashamed.
The specifics of the memorial scheduled for July 7th in Los Angeles have been kept secret but one suspects that the service will have all the solemnity of a Cirque du Soleis. Leading the mourners will be Joe Jackson who has thusfar found the death of his meal-ticket son a wonderful opportunity to discuss his new record company. Expect to see all your old favorites. They'll be Jesse Jackson, a requisite fixture at the service of any black celebrity (he had the gig for Miles Davis), Al Sharpton, a requisite fixture at the funeral of any black person who dies tragically (Al did the honors for James Brown) and Debbie Rowe. Ms. Rowe was the charming young lady who 1) married Michael, 2) may have given him two children, and 3)sold the kids to Jackson ...twice.
If Ms. Rowe is attending, there is a payday in her future.
Amid all the disgraceful huckstering, there is one person who appears to possess the only dignity available in the entire Southern California area. Michael's mother Katherine, who has been awarded temporary custody of the Jackson children, has been a pillar of reserve and decorum throughout the entire sorded affair. As Angelenos rush to buy their memorial service tickets on ebay and gush effusively over how much Michael Jackson meant to them, someone should pay attention to Katherine Jackson. She didn't loose a paycheck or a free ride to undeserved celebrity.She probably doesn't know how many gold records Michael Jackson had or, how far in debt his estate actually is. Katherine Jackson lost a son. That's enough tragedy for anyone.
Far be it from me to confuse the issue with facts but, Michael Jackson hasn't produced anything musically significant in years. What he has produced is a steady stream of head-shaking headlines. From waving his baby over the railing of a German hotel balcony to hosting children's sleepovers at the Neverland Ranch, Jackson has given new definition to the term "artist as kook". Physically, he has transformed himself (with the help of a condition called vitiligo) from an adorable black child sensation to a cartoon crossover between Plasticman and Mummenschantz. Jackson had, by the time of his death, more work done on his face that the statues on Mount Rushmore.
All of this odd behavior doesn't diminish his enormous talent and universal appeal. Thriller remains the best-selling album of all time and produced seven number one hits. His stage performances throughout the eighties were legendary. Jackson almost singlehandedly put MTV on the broadcast map. Nevertheless, the endless television coverage and the plethora of magazine cover stories is more fitting for Pope John Paul II or FDR than a musician. The single most absurd coverage to date is Anderson Cooper's trackdown of Bubbles the Chimp. CNN should be ashamed.
The specifics of the memorial scheduled for July 7th in Los Angeles have been kept secret but one suspects that the service will have all the solemnity of a Cirque du Soleis. Leading the mourners will be Joe Jackson who has thusfar found the death of his meal-ticket son a wonderful opportunity to discuss his new record company. Expect to see all your old favorites. They'll be Jesse Jackson, a requisite fixture at the service of any black celebrity (he had the gig for Miles Davis), Al Sharpton, a requisite fixture at the funeral of any black person who dies tragically (Al did the honors for James Brown) and Debbie Rowe. Ms. Rowe was the charming young lady who 1) married Michael, 2) may have given him two children, and 3)sold the kids to Jackson ...twice.
If Ms. Rowe is attending, there is a payday in her future.
Amid all the disgraceful huckstering, there is one person who appears to possess the only dignity available in the entire Southern California area. Michael's mother Katherine, who has been awarded temporary custody of the Jackson children, has been a pillar of reserve and decorum throughout the entire sorded affair. As Angelenos rush to buy their memorial service tickets on ebay and gush effusively over how much Michael Jackson meant to them, someone should pay attention to Katherine Jackson. She didn't loose a paycheck or a free ride to undeserved celebrity.She probably doesn't know how many gold records Michael Jackson had or, how far in debt his estate actually is. Katherine Jackson lost a son. That's enough tragedy for anyone.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
...or would lipstick not be enough to beautify this pig of a press conference?
Before the good people of Alaska got to decide if they had had enough of Sarah Palin, the Governor has announced that she has had enough of Alaska. It's too cold, it's too snowy and most important, it's too far from all those ass-kissing Conservatives that form the Republican base. It's also too far from the HQ of CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, Fox News, and The New York Times. Sarah may profess to hate them but how can you rail at the coverage you get in the media if you aren't being covered? Of course if you want coverage, it helps if you tell someone in the press about your press conference.
Not content to announce that she will not seek a second term as Alaska's Governor, Sweet Sarah has abdicated her ice throne as of July 26 this year. Conjecture as to the reason for this strangely timed escape is just that; conjecture. The Governor gave no reason for her hasty retreat. She babbled on for ten or fifteen minutes during a news conference that was planned with a little less thought than a Tupperware party. She spoke about Kosovo, brave soldiers, point guards, Gen. MacArthur, and politics as blood sport. What? No mention of Michael Jackson? As with most of Governor Palin's public pronouncements, this speech rambled like an Alaska road. It just goes for a while with no discernible destination, then stops.
Amidst all the dreck about how much she's accomplished (in half a term) and how noble she is by quitting the easiest government gig on the planet (after Joe Biden's), she had the colossal gall to suggest that she was disgusted by the media's treatment of her family. This is the same women who carted her household all over America as though they were the road show of the Grapes of Wrath. Baby Trig has more frequent flyer miles than Sully Sullenberger.
True to her proclivity for making stuff up (I rejected the Road to Nowhere, etc) she feigned distaste at the mean things that have been said about her Downs Syndrome baby. For the record, no one has said anything about her youngest child. No one. The reason that the rest of her brood became punchlines for the late nite TV guys is that she put them out there like contestants on Big Brother. Conversly, the reason Chelsea Clinton and the Bush twins were left alone was because their parents kept them out of the public eye. Palin treated her family like props in a minstrel show.
Because speculation is rampant regarding the plans of the soon-to-be-ex-Governor, allow me to suggest a few possibilities:
1) Prior to a run for the Republican nomination for President in 2012, Ms. Palin plans to obtain an on-line degree in Geography. Particular attention will be paid to the distance between By-God, Alaska and By-Godski, Russia.
2) Ms. Palin needs a full three years to accumulate a wardrobe that's suitable for visiting all fifty states...without help from the RNC.
3) More time will be needed to write a few new jokes...hopefully some that don't involve lipstick, hockey moms or Bill Ayers.
4) She is planning a trip to the Mayo clinic to have "Golly" and "You Betcha" surgically removed from her vocabulary.
Sarah feels it will take all of her time to convince Republicans and the electorate at large that she isn't really the airheaded, all hat-no cattle, ill-informed, poorly spoken, overly folksy, minor league, impossibly unqualified light weight that we have all come to know and discount.
Anyway, congratulations to the people of Alaska. You were able to shed this embarrassing, do-nothing executive without the help of a sex scandal. Remember, Republicans don't quit because they cheat. They only quit when their constituents can't be trusted to feed their out-of-control egos. There is every reason to believe that, if she isn't impeached, Governor Palin would be soundly thrashed in 2010.
Face it Alaska, you're not cool enough for Sarah Palin. I'll bet that's the first time you ever heard that.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
...or does "getting to first base" mean the same thing in the Southern Hemisphere?
Love is never having to say "I did it for the frequent-flyer miles".
Pity the poor journalist or blogger desperately attempting to stay ahead of the Mark Sanford story. No sooner do we attempt an analysis of the revelations of last week: I wasn't really hiking the Appalachian Trail. Actually I was exploring the "Andes", and it wasn't my first expedition. But don't hate me too much because I'm in love.
Now we are faced with "Episode Dos" in the steamiest soap since Hospital Corners.. It seems that Governor Mark's dalliance in South America might not have been his first trip south of the border (wink, wink, nod, nod). In an interview with the Associated Press, Governor Swordsman admitted to a few additional trysts with at least four other women. In a statement filled with more euphemisms than my last trip to a confessional, Gov. Sanford spoke of not "crossing the sex line". I immediately assumed that there was a hookers strike and the Governor was being a good union supporter. This is the best information tease since Gypsy Rose Lee.
Attempting to parse his behavior, Sanford even included dancing as one of the activities he considered to be an out-of-bounds encounter. WOW! At the very least I thought we were talking second base. Apparently these tip-toes up to the "sex line" were a dress rehearsal (actually an un-dress rehearsal) for the main event with Maria Belen Chapur, of Buenos Aires hot tamale fame. We have been spared a blow-by-blow (sorry) description of his activities in the Southern Hemisphere but it's clear that Governor Sanford pole-vaulted over the "sex line" with room to spare.
My personal favorite was his description of a trip to New York, ostensibly to end the affair with Ms. Chapur. Deciding that an email brush-off would be gauche, Governor Sanford not only went to meet his lady in Manhattan, he brought along a "spiritual advisor". This reverse Cyrano act apparently didn't go as planned. I suspect that the spiritual advisor was asked to wait in the car while Governor Hot Pants rekindled his love. Wouldn't you love to have been on that plane ride back to South Carolina?
Sanford has delivered a personal check (presumably not from the couple's joint account) for $3,000 to cover the cost of his recent get-away in Argentina. Apparently, when it comes to soul mates, coach class is enough to get the job done. Former Governor Elliot Spitzer, upon hearing this news, remarked that at least he never paid that much for one roll in the hay. To be fair, Spitzer was only partaking of the domestic fare. Sanford's tastes run more toward the intercontinental.
Anyway, Senators Lindsey Graham, Jim Demint and the rest of the religiously damaged Conservatives of South Carolina are praying for a reconciliation between Governor Sanford and his wife of 20 years. They are also praying that Lt. Governor Andre Bauer does not become the new governor. Even if God came from a red state, this would be a tall order. Comments like " I can die knowing I met my soul mate" would only be helpful if the Governor were talking about his wife. He wasn't. Mrs. Sanford, AKA, the dutiful wife, is sequestered on Sullivan Island in South Carolina, presumably plotting to ensure that her soon-to-be-former husband couldn't be elected secretary of the Aiken Little League Association. She has been quoted as saying she might be able to forgive her chronically wayward husband. This will presumably coincide with the freezing over of either hell or Buenos Aires.
Pity the poor journalist or blogger desperately attempting to stay ahead of the Mark Sanford story. No sooner do we attempt an analysis of the revelations of last week: I wasn't really hiking the Appalachian Trail. Actually I was exploring the "Andes", and it wasn't my first expedition. But don't hate me too much because I'm in love.
Now we are faced with "Episode Dos" in the steamiest soap since Hospital Corners.. It seems that Governor Mark's dalliance in South America might not have been his first trip south of the border (wink, wink, nod, nod). In an interview with the Associated Press, Governor Swordsman admitted to a few additional trysts with at least four other women. In a statement filled with more euphemisms than my last trip to a confessional, Gov. Sanford spoke of not "crossing the sex line". I immediately assumed that there was a hookers strike and the Governor was being a good union supporter. This is the best information tease since Gypsy Rose Lee.
Attempting to parse his behavior, Sanford even included dancing as one of the activities he considered to be an out-of-bounds encounter. WOW! At the very least I thought we were talking second base. Apparently these tip-toes up to the "sex line" were a dress rehearsal (actually an un-dress rehearsal) for the main event with Maria Belen Chapur, of Buenos Aires hot tamale fame. We have been spared a blow-by-blow (sorry) description of his activities in the Southern Hemisphere but it's clear that Governor Sanford pole-vaulted over the "sex line" with room to spare.
My personal favorite was his description of a trip to New York, ostensibly to end the affair with Ms. Chapur. Deciding that an email brush-off would be gauche, Governor Sanford not only went to meet his lady in Manhattan, he brought along a "spiritual advisor". This reverse Cyrano act apparently didn't go as planned. I suspect that the spiritual advisor was asked to wait in the car while Governor Hot Pants rekindled his love. Wouldn't you love to have been on that plane ride back to South Carolina?
Sanford has delivered a personal check (presumably not from the couple's joint account) for $3,000 to cover the cost of his recent get-away in Argentina. Apparently, when it comes to soul mates, coach class is enough to get the job done. Former Governor Elliot Spitzer, upon hearing this news, remarked that at least he never paid that much for one roll in the hay. To be fair, Spitzer was only partaking of the domestic fare. Sanford's tastes run more toward the intercontinental.
Anyway, Senators Lindsey Graham, Jim Demint and the rest of the religiously damaged Conservatives of South Carolina are praying for a reconciliation between Governor Sanford and his wife of 20 years. They are also praying that Lt. Governor Andre Bauer does not become the new governor. Even if God came from a red state, this would be a tall order. Comments like " I can die knowing I met my soul mate" would only be helpful if the Governor were talking about his wife. He wasn't. Mrs. Sanford, AKA, the dutiful wife, is sequestered on Sullivan Island in South Carolina, presumably plotting to ensure that her soon-to-be-former husband couldn't be elected secretary of the Aiken Little League Association. She has been quoted as saying she might be able to forgive her chronically wayward husband. This will presumably coincide with the freezing over of either hell or Buenos Aires.
Monday, June 29, 2009
...or are the wheels of progress running over my feet?
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The Supreme Court has recently concluded its term for this year. Although most of the media attention focused on Ricci v. De Stefano, the case involving those New Haven Firefighters and the test for lieutenant, some attention should have been paid to the almost unprecedented voting of the court's more conservative members. During this court session, during which more than 75 cases were decided, Justice Clarence Thomas voted differently than Justice Antonin Scalia not once but twice! This is an event which visits the High Court with the frequency of Haley's Comet. Thomas votes in lock step with Scalia so often that it's been suggested that Scalia be given two votes and Thomas be allowed to return to Georgia. In one of the cases, Northwest Austin Municipal Utility District No. One v. Holder, Judge Thomas actually stood alone, as in 8 to 1.
Justice Thomas, who has not asked a question from the bench during oral argument since 2006 (court records indicate that the question was "Counselor, can you tell me where you bought that great looking tie?"), has been a firm opponent of all laws related to equal rights. Having availed himself of one or two opportunities made possible by the Equal Rights Act, Judge Thomas has spent the last 19 years attempting to ensure that those opportunities will not exist for others. His "get a job, boy" attitude is particularly odd in that his primary claim to fame, prior to the Court, was as head of the U.S. Equal Opportunity Employment Commission (where he met Anita Hill).
Justice Thomas' recent independent streak is not likely to last. Regardless of how conservative and radical his recent decisions have been, he has been and will remain,in the minority. Praise Jesus.
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First we lost the IBM Selectric typewriter. Now we've lost Kodachrome. That's right gang, the Eastman Kodak Company, maker of all that film with ISO numbers you never understood, has decided to suspend the production of slide film. I guess we can't be too surprised. Between camera phones and digital cameras, the only people shooting "chromes" are the 27 folks that still have working projectors. (Admit it. Somewhere in your attic/basement you have a projector with a burned-out bulb.)
Naturally, there will be purists who will bemoan the loss of "real" photography. This would be the same gang that swears vinyl recordings are preferable to CDs and cork is better for wine than screw tops (it isn't). If the subject is "photography as art", I leave the discussion to those with a more discerning eye than mine. If we are taking about pictures of the family reunion, you just can't beat digital. How else can you take and store hundreds of pictures of people you hope never to see again? Instead of boxes and albums of old, forgotten photos of old, forgotten people, we now have memory cards and computer files filled with the same junk. Think of how many more memories we can ignore thanks to technology. Those hundreds of treasured pictures of relatives we never liked and girlfriends who made our lives a living hell can forever be stored in the digital obscurity they so richly deserve.
The ability to store our photographic memories on little bits of plastic has liberated shelf and closet space for the storage of more significant treasures... like the last issue of The New York Times, or the CD containing the confession speeches of every politician caught with his hand up someone else's skirt. (Except for Jim McGreevey, Mark Foley and Larry Craig. Their mea culpa's involved zippers.) The possibilities are endless. Just don't go looking for a typewriter to type labels.
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The Supreme Court has recently concluded its term for this year. Although most of the media attention focused on Ricci v. De Stefano, the case involving those New Haven Firefighters and the test for lieutenant, some attention should have been paid to the almost unprecedented voting of the court's more conservative members. During this court session, during which more than 75 cases were decided, Justice Clarence Thomas voted differently than Justice Antonin Scalia not once but twice! This is an event which visits the High Court with the frequency of Haley's Comet. Thomas votes in lock step with Scalia so often that it's been suggested that Scalia be given two votes and Thomas be allowed to return to Georgia. In one of the cases, Northwest Austin Municipal Utility District No. One v. Holder, Judge Thomas actually stood alone, as in 8 to 1.
Justice Thomas, who has not asked a question from the bench during oral argument since 2006 (court records indicate that the question was "Counselor, can you tell me where you bought that great looking tie?"), has been a firm opponent of all laws related to equal rights. Having availed himself of one or two opportunities made possible by the Equal Rights Act, Judge Thomas has spent the last 19 years attempting to ensure that those opportunities will not exist for others. His "get a job, boy" attitude is particularly odd in that his primary claim to fame, prior to the Court, was as head of the U.S. Equal Opportunity Employment Commission (where he met Anita Hill).
Justice Thomas' recent independent streak is not likely to last. Regardless of how conservative and radical his recent decisions have been, he has been and will remain,in the minority. Praise Jesus.
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In a press release straight out of Oz, The Roman Catholic Church has concluded "scientifically" that the bones thought to be the remains of St. Paul are... the remains of St.Paul. In a delightful example of ecclesiastical obfuscation, the Church states, "...this seems to confirm the unanimous and uncontested tradition that they (the bones Catholics have been paying to visit for hundreds of years), are the mortal remains of the Apostle Paul."
Holy Orders, Batman! What exactly is an "uncontested tradition"? Once upon a time the Church had many uncontested traditions. The Earth is flat. The Sun revolves around the Earth. These were uncontested traditions postulated for a very long time. Scientists received lengthy prison sentences for disputing these uncontested traditions.
Anyway, what the Pope learned through "scientific testing" was that the remains, buried under the altar of St. Paul's Outside the Walls Church in Rome, can be carbon-dated to the time of St. Paul. Period. Without DNA from St. Paul himself, all of the evidence is circumstantial. What the archaeologists determined was that none of the evidence contradicts what the Church has believed since the bones were interred. Having recently concluded that the Shroud of Turin is a hoax, I suspect that Rome was somewhat relieved to discover that the revered relic of St. Paul wasn't some stone mason who fell into the cement in 1827. Thank heaven for small miracles.
Friday, June 26, 2009
...or is one man's lemon another man's lemonade?
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Amid the weeping and wailing across America and the world over the death of Michael Jackson, there was a noticeable shout of joy emanating from the State Capital of South Carolina. It seems that the sudden demise of the King of Pop has knocked Governor Mark Sanford clear off the front page of the country's newspapers. Headlines like "Buenos Airhead" and "Latin Lover Emails" were erased in favor of a gushing river of praise for the man most recently famous as the most notorious pedophile not wearing a cassock. Jackson went immediately from the bizarre owner of Neverland Ranch to America's most revered performer. Death is a better detergent than Tide.
So congratulations to Governor Sanford! With any luck he will be able to continue his environmentally laudatory interest in extending the Appalachian Trail to the suburbs of Buenos Aries.
Quiet congratulations also to the family of Farrah Fawcett. The Jackson story has also allowed her loved ones to mourn with more dignity than they would normally have been accorded.
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And speaking of people getting kicked off the front page, how would you like to be Kim Jong Il?
This guy has done everything short of short-sheeting the Lincoln bedroom to get the attention of the world. Threatening to "wipe America off the map" got him more notice on Jon Stewart's show than in the New York Times. Even his nukes aren't being taken seriously. Experts agree that, short of mailing one to Hawaii, Kim's ability to deliver a bomb is limited at best. Understandably, the South Koreans and the 30,000 American military personnel stationed south of the 38th parallel are somewhat more concerned. They are relying on China to keep Kim quiet. A steady supply of Ben & Jerry's Chuncky Monkey and Bay Watch DVD's in HD have worked so far. Fingers-crossed, soon Kim will be joining his ancestors in that great rubber room in the sky and leave us all to deal with Kim Jong-un (who is actually Kim Jong-trois) the designated successor.
Recent history notwithstanding, President Obama does not feel it necessary to swat every fly. Unlike his predecessor, Obama (may the Lord guide his free-throws) has adopted an attitude that sticks and stones may break my bones but your weak-ass nuclear threat will never hurt me. Obama has bigger moles to whack.
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Which brings us to the Land of the Ayatollahs. Iran should be a cautionary tale about democracy. Not every election turns out the way you want. As Bush/Gore 2000 illustrated, elections are messy and occasionally contentious. The Iranians will have to figure it out for themselves like we did. Hopefully they will make a better choice.
The only thing we know for sure is that cheerleaders from the conservative right are as unproductive as they are unhelpful. America has no horse in this race. As Viet Nam and Iraq have so tragically illustrated, we are ill-equipped and ultimately disinclined to be the world's policeman. If Iranians want change, they know how to accomplish it. They elected Mahammed Mosaddeq in 1951, deposed the Shah in 1979 and even voted for the moderate (by Iranian standards) for president in 2001. American support for any candidate would be as toxic as a campaign appearance by GWB in 2008. We cannot control the world's elections. Hell, based on 2000 we can barely control our own.
Amid the weeping and wailing across America and the world over the death of Michael Jackson, there was a noticeable shout of joy emanating from the State Capital of South Carolina. It seems that the sudden demise of the King of Pop has knocked Governor Mark Sanford clear off the front page of the country's newspapers. Headlines like "Buenos Airhead" and "Latin Lover Emails" were erased in favor of a gushing river of praise for the man most recently famous as the most notorious pedophile not wearing a cassock. Jackson went immediately from the bizarre owner of Neverland Ranch to America's most revered performer. Death is a better detergent than Tide.
So congratulations to Governor Sanford! With any luck he will be able to continue his environmentally laudatory interest in extending the Appalachian Trail to the suburbs of Buenos Aries.
Quiet congratulations also to the family of Farrah Fawcett. The Jackson story has also allowed her loved ones to mourn with more dignity than they would normally have been accorded.
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And speaking of people getting kicked off the front page, how would you like to be Kim Jong Il?
This guy has done everything short of short-sheeting the Lincoln bedroom to get the attention of the world. Threatening to "wipe America off the map" got him more notice on Jon Stewart's show than in the New York Times. Even his nukes aren't being taken seriously. Experts agree that, short of mailing one to Hawaii, Kim's ability to deliver a bomb is limited at best. Understandably, the South Koreans and the 30,000 American military personnel stationed south of the 38th parallel are somewhat more concerned. They are relying on China to keep Kim quiet. A steady supply of Ben & Jerry's Chuncky Monkey and Bay Watch DVD's in HD have worked so far. Fingers-crossed, soon Kim will be joining his ancestors in that great rubber room in the sky and leave us all to deal with Kim Jong-un (who is actually Kim Jong-trois) the designated successor.
Recent history notwithstanding, President Obama does not feel it necessary to swat every fly. Unlike his predecessor, Obama (may the Lord guide his free-throws) has adopted an attitude that sticks and stones may break my bones but your weak-ass nuclear threat will never hurt me. Obama has bigger moles to whack.
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Which brings us to the Land of the Ayatollahs. Iran should be a cautionary tale about democracy. Not every election turns out the way you want. As Bush/Gore 2000 illustrated, elections are messy and occasionally contentious. The Iranians will have to figure it out for themselves like we did. Hopefully they will make a better choice.
The only thing we know for sure is that cheerleaders from the conservative right are as unproductive as they are unhelpful. America has no horse in this race. As Viet Nam and Iraq have so tragically illustrated, we are ill-equipped and ultimately disinclined to be the world's policeman. If Iranians want change, they know how to accomplish it. They elected Mahammed Mosaddeq in 1951, deposed the Shah in 1979 and even voted for the moderate (by Iranian standards) for president in 2001. American support for any candidate would be as toxic as a campaign appearance by GWB in 2008. We cannot control the world's elections. Hell, based on 2000 we can barely control our own.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
...or is infidelity the only thing everyone in Washington can agree on?
Thank you Jesus for sending us the law firm of Sanford, Vetter, Spitzer, Edwards, Clinton, Ensign and Craig. Among these mid-life, middle-aged horn toads there has been more nookie than at a Marilyn Chambers film festival. These guys have done more for the motel industry that the entire federal highway system. Makes you wish you had the cialis concession at the Republican National Convention. To be fair, government sleaze has been delightfully distributed across party lines. Clearly, both Republicans and Democrats take their pants off one leg at a time. Apparently the ability to think with body parts other than your brain is not limited to either the blue or the red. It is, however, more fun to lampoon the Republicans because they are so damn sanctimonious and close to God.
As everyone knows by now, the latest inductee into the Hall of the Shameless is South Carolina's Republican Governor Mark Sanford. Sanford's case reads like the OJ chase without the Bronco. Having disappeared for four days (sort of a junket for his junk) the Governor emerged yesterday at a press conference clearly staged by Danielle Steele. Spilling enough tears to short-circuit the microphones, Sanford rambled and sobbed for forty minutes about everything from his high school excursions to the Appalachian Trail to the "sparking" of his South American paramour. The Andy Hardy language about "sparking" and "God's law" was more reminiscent of young love in a Chevy convertible than an international boinking with an Argentine firecracker. Sanford apologized so often and to so many people, he almost didn't get around to what he had done.
In a move unusual for these sincerity-fests, Governor Sanford actually took questions. In a move not so unusual, he didn't actually answer any of them.
Example: Question "Governor, are you separated from your wife?"
Answer "I--I don't know how you want to define that. I mean, I'm here. She's there."
Makes you think of Bill Clinton's famous attempt to parse the definition of "is". Happily, it looked as though Mark Sanford put as much thought into this press conference as he did into the consequences of shtupping the girl from Ipanema. The performance was so pathetic that the people standing around and behind him were laughing. It appeared that he just walked into the State House, set up a podium and began speaking. The tour groups found him way more interesting than the statuary.
As of today Sanford in still the governor but, as allegations regarding who paid for the plane rides to paradise emerge, expect to see "Press Conference II, The 'I Quit' Moment". Hopefully, he will spare us the "I'm leaving to spend more time with my family" refrain.
Meanwhile, the ranks of Presidential hopefuls on the Republican side is thinning faster than Oprah at the farmer's market. It's probably redundant to suggest that contenders are dropping like flies in that dropping flies appear to be the problem. At this rate, only someone as old as Grandpa McCain will be above suspicion. Among those whose shoes have thus far not been found under the wrong Beautyrest are:
Newt Gingrich. Although caught cheating on his wife and attempting to serve her divorce papers while she was recovering from cancer treatments, he hasn't been disgraced recently.
As everyone knows by now, the latest inductee into the Hall of the Shameless is South Carolina's Republican Governor Mark Sanford. Sanford's case reads like the OJ chase without the Bronco. Having disappeared for four days (sort of a junket for his junk) the Governor emerged yesterday at a press conference clearly staged by Danielle Steele. Spilling enough tears to short-circuit the microphones, Sanford rambled and sobbed for forty minutes about everything from his high school excursions to the Appalachian Trail to the "sparking" of his South American paramour. The Andy Hardy language about "sparking" and "God's law" was more reminiscent of young love in a Chevy convertible than an international boinking with an Argentine firecracker. Sanford apologized so often and to so many people, he almost didn't get around to what he had done.
In a move unusual for these sincerity-fests, Governor Sanford actually took questions. In a move not so unusual, he didn't actually answer any of them.
Example: Question "Governor, are you separated from your wife?"
Answer "I--I don't know how you want to define that. I mean, I'm here. She's there."
Makes you think of Bill Clinton's famous attempt to parse the definition of "is". Happily, it looked as though Mark Sanford put as much thought into this press conference as he did into the consequences of shtupping the girl from Ipanema. The performance was so pathetic that the people standing around and behind him were laughing. It appeared that he just walked into the State House, set up a podium and began speaking. The tour groups found him way more interesting than the statuary.
As of today Sanford in still the governor but, as allegations regarding who paid for the plane rides to paradise emerge, expect to see "Press Conference II, The 'I Quit' Moment". Hopefully, he will spare us the "I'm leaving to spend more time with my family" refrain.
Meanwhile, the ranks of Presidential hopefuls on the Republican side is thinning faster than Oprah at the farmer's market. It's probably redundant to suggest that contenders are dropping like flies in that dropping flies appear to be the problem. At this rate, only someone as old as Grandpa McCain will be above suspicion. Among those whose shoes have thus far not been found under the wrong Beautyrest are:
Newt Gingrich. Although caught cheating on his wife and attempting to serve her divorce papers while she was recovering from cancer treatments, he hasn't been disgraced recently.
Tom Pawlenty. Pawlenty is the current governor of Minnesota and, so far as we know, isn't currently doing the horizontal merengue with Carman Maranda. Were I head of the GNC, I would have Pawlenty neutered immediately.
Charlie Crist. Charlie is currently campaigning for the Senate from Florida but rumors abound that Crist hits for the other team and we don't mean the Democrats. Any thought that the Republicans could nominate a homosexual for President is enough to make the statue of Ronald Reagan in the Capitol leap directly into the Potomac.
2012 is still a long way off and a weasel like Eric Cantor might yet emerge. And don't forget the Disaster from Alaska. Sarah may be a buffoon but who knows? Perhaps if someone advises her to actually read the speeches she gives or, act as if her audience had finished the fourth grade, better times await. Unfortunately, with Governor Palin's knowledge of geography, she might actually believe that the Appalachian Trail cuts through Buenos Aires.
Monday, June 22, 2009
...or is killing a dog worse than killing a person?
The facts go like this:
Michael Vick was an all-everything quarterback at Virginia Tech who, after college in 2001, went on to fame and fortune with the Atlanta Falcons of the NFL. Tragically, the fortune is gone and the fame became infamy.
In August, 2007 Michael Vick entered into a plea agreement with the federal court in Richmond ,VA. In the agreement he pled guilty to financing an enterprise known as the Bad Newz Kennels which was a trainer and promoter of fighting dogs. He also admitted to participating in dog fights (presumably not as a combatant) and sharing in the proceeds of the dog fights. He was aware of dogs being killed for poor performance (a concept the NFL briefly considered but rejected) but he claims he never killed a dog himself.
Judge Henry Hudson, apparently unimpressed with Vick's expressions of contrition, sentenced him to 23 months in a federal prison. The fact that Vick failed a drug test while on probation can't have helped.
Vick has served most of his sentence. Although there is no parole system for federal prisoners, Vick has been granted home confinement for the last few months of his incarceration. Aside from the radio sports talk mavens discussing whether he will be allowed to play football and for whom, interest in the Michael Vick story has waned. Aside from the made-for-TV movie that is certainly in rewrite as we speak, the sad tale of great talent wasted isn't getting much ink.
Now we have the case of Dante Stallworth. Stallworth is an eight-year pro football player out of Tennessee. He currently plies his trade of wide receiver with the Cleveland Browns. Although no Michael Vick, Stallworth is a good, not great, pass catcher. On the morning of March 14, Stallworth was headed for the beach in Miami. On the way, he struck and killed one Mario Reyes who was crossing the busy MacArthur Causeway trying to catch a bus. Stallworth was over the legal limit both in speed and alcohol. (50 in a 40 on speed; .12 in a .08 state on booze). Stallworth stopped immediately and submitted to a blood alcohol test. He was ultimately charged with DUI and second-degree manslaughter. He received a sentence of 30 days (actually knocked down to 24 days) and has been suspended indefinitely by the NFL.
In mitigation, it should be noted that Stallworth has never been in trouble...aside from a short stay in the NFL's substance abuse program. He acted responsibly at the scene (well, after he killed a guy) and the victim was out in the middle of traffic. Stallworth has made a "financial arrangement" with the Reyes family which at least avoids a wrongful death lawsuit.
The ponderable issue for today is: was Michael Vick's sentence too severe considering there was no loss of human life or, was Dante Stallworth's too lenient? (No animals were harmed in the manslaughter of Mr. Reyes.) It's true that the crimes were committed in separate states and tried before separate judges but comparison is inevitable. Both men are public figures. Both are African American from modest backgrounds. As star football players with big contracts, both are new to affluence. (Stallworth was driving a Bentley the morning of the accident.) Were they treated differently because of their celebrity?
In Michael Vick's case, his notoriety killed him. Any public figure seen torturing animals can expect few friends in the courts or the press. Even OJ's jury would have marched Vick to the gallows. His four co-defendants can serve their time and slink off into obscurity. Michael Vick's punishment is ongoing.
Stallworth will suffer none of the stigma that dogs (sorry!) Michael Vick. It says something about who we are that animals, (actually only domestic animals) hold a higher place in our emotional hierarchy than people. Even the most soulless of people can love a dog. It's just strange. If Michael Vick were guilty of cock-fighting he'd have done 30 days suspended. If Mario Reyes had been walking his chihuahua that morning in March, Dante Stallworth would be picking out curtains for the cell he would be occupying for the next year or two. The moral of the tale is unclear. However, if you're driving down the street and you've had a cocktail or two, if a choice arises, point the car at the creature with the fewest number of legs.
Michael Vick was an all-everything quarterback at Virginia Tech who, after college in 2001, went on to fame and fortune with the Atlanta Falcons of the NFL. Tragically, the fortune is gone and the fame became infamy.
In August, 2007 Michael Vick entered into a plea agreement with the federal court in Richmond ,VA. In the agreement he pled guilty to financing an enterprise known as the Bad Newz Kennels which was a trainer and promoter of fighting dogs. He also admitted to participating in dog fights (presumably not as a combatant) and sharing in the proceeds of the dog fights. He was aware of dogs being killed for poor performance (a concept the NFL briefly considered but rejected) but he claims he never killed a dog himself.
Judge Henry Hudson, apparently unimpressed with Vick's expressions of contrition, sentenced him to 23 months in a federal prison. The fact that Vick failed a drug test while on probation can't have helped.
Vick has served most of his sentence. Although there is no parole system for federal prisoners, Vick has been granted home confinement for the last few months of his incarceration. Aside from the radio sports talk mavens discussing whether he will be allowed to play football and for whom, interest in the Michael Vick story has waned. Aside from the made-for-TV movie that is certainly in rewrite as we speak, the sad tale of great talent wasted isn't getting much ink.
Now we have the case of Dante Stallworth. Stallworth is an eight-year pro football player out of Tennessee. He currently plies his trade of wide receiver with the Cleveland Browns. Although no Michael Vick, Stallworth is a good, not great, pass catcher. On the morning of March 14, Stallworth was headed for the beach in Miami. On the way, he struck and killed one Mario Reyes who was crossing the busy MacArthur Causeway trying to catch a bus. Stallworth was over the legal limit both in speed and alcohol. (50 in a 40 on speed; .12 in a .08 state on booze). Stallworth stopped immediately and submitted to a blood alcohol test. He was ultimately charged with DUI and second-degree manslaughter. He received a sentence of 30 days (actually knocked down to 24 days) and has been suspended indefinitely by the NFL.
In mitigation, it should be noted that Stallworth has never been in trouble...aside from a short stay in the NFL's substance abuse program. He acted responsibly at the scene (well, after he killed a guy) and the victim was out in the middle of traffic. Stallworth has made a "financial arrangement" with the Reyes family which at least avoids a wrongful death lawsuit.
The ponderable issue for today is: was Michael Vick's sentence too severe considering there was no loss of human life or, was Dante Stallworth's too lenient? (No animals were harmed in the manslaughter of Mr. Reyes.) It's true that the crimes were committed in separate states and tried before separate judges but comparison is inevitable. Both men are public figures. Both are African American from modest backgrounds. As star football players with big contracts, both are new to affluence. (Stallworth was driving a Bentley the morning of the accident.) Were they treated differently because of their celebrity?
In Michael Vick's case, his notoriety killed him. Any public figure seen torturing animals can expect few friends in the courts or the press. Even OJ's jury would have marched Vick to the gallows. His four co-defendants can serve their time and slink off into obscurity. Michael Vick's punishment is ongoing.
Stallworth will suffer none of the stigma that dogs (sorry!) Michael Vick. It says something about who we are that animals, (actually only domestic animals) hold a higher place in our emotional hierarchy than people. Even the most soulless of people can love a dog. It's just strange. If Michael Vick were guilty of cock-fighting he'd have done 30 days suspended. If Mario Reyes had been walking his chihuahua that morning in March, Dante Stallworth would be picking out curtains for the cell he would be occupying for the next year or two. The moral of the tale is unclear. However, if you're driving down the street and you've had a cocktail or two, if a choice arises, point the car at the creature with the fewest number of legs.
Monday, June 08, 2009
...or is America acting as though the only thing we have to fear is ...everything?
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OMG!
Ahmed Ghailani is in America. Hide the children! Lock up the women! Buy yourself a gun! No, two guns!
Who, might you ask, is Ahmed Ghailani? Is he Lex Luthor come to life? Perhaps the reincarnation of Vlad Dracul? Hannibal Lector in the flesh? To hear the timid John Boehner of Ohio tell it, Ghailani is swine flu and Y2K all stuffed into an orange jumpsuit.
Actually, Ahmed Ghailani is a terrorist suspect who has been transferred from Guantanamo to New York to stand trial for allegedly participating in the 1998 embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania. He stands accused of 286 counts (that's a lot of counts) of whatever you do to get charged 286 times. I'm guessing one count for each person killed or wounded in the explosions. To my knowledge, he was not transported in a straight jacket and a tricked-out hockey mask.
To watch some senators and congressmen quake, you would think that Mr. Ghailani planned each detail of the attacks personally as well as those of the U.S.S. Cole, the bombing of the Marine barracks in Lebanon in 1983 and the explosion of the U.S.S. Maine in San Juan Harbor in 1898. These fearless leaders are terrified that America's Judicial machinery and the U.S.Prison Systems will not be up to the task of incarcerating this guy. Apparently our lawmakers think that the jail cells that held John Gotti, Charlie Manson, Manuel Noriega and Phil Spector are not up to the superhuman powers of a 35 year old Tanzanian forger. Our brave congresspersons have apparently forgotten that four other terrorists, previously convicted in the same bombing are currently serving lengthy sentences in our inadequate prison in Florence,Colorado.
At what point did we become such a timid country? The mere suggestion that detainees from Guantanamo might be tried and released in America (an eventuality which has been suggested by no one with a job in government) sends our citizens running for cover. And exactly what would happen if Mr. Ghailani were to be freed on Main Street U.S.A.? Do we imagine that he would get a job bagging groceries at Giant, buy a gun and quietly plan for the overthrow of America? We already have plenty of home-grown nuts engaged in that pursuit. Perhaps he would buy a house in suburbia and infiltrate the PTA.
Holy gonads, people! We fought World War II. I'm guessing we are strong enough to put a few prisoners on trial. Just be careful who you elect to the presidency of your home town swim club. He might be an alumnus of the University of Guantanamo.
In a related story, another country, apparently one with more spine than we have, has volunteered to take several of the Guantanamo prisoners off our hands. But who? What country has the fortifications to handle these criminals? Is there a nation with the force of will to face down an enemy that has America quaking in its Doc Martins?
Yes, it's that well known fortress of solitude... Bermuda. The government in Hamilton has agreed to take four Chinese Uighurs who had been held without charge or trial by the Bush government for seven years. Bermuda joins the growing list of brave countries such as Albania and Palau that have agreed to take responsibility for America's mess. We should be so proud. We appear to the world as standing on a chair shrieking while middle eastern mice run under our feet. It's not hard to fathom why Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad aren't impressed with our threats. Maybe we should enlist the army of Palau?
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...and now for something completely different.
Chastity Bono, daughter of the late Sonny and Cher, (We suspect that Cher is actually dead. She just refuses to lie down.) has decided to undergo "gender reassignment". And we all thought Sonny was the nutty one! Mr. Bono the younger (the transmigration has already begun) will be called Chaz.
Although Mr. Bono has declined interviews (probably 'til his voice modulates) people close to his people assume that the decision was brought about by Chaz's inability to appreciate his mother's singing as long as he was a woman. One source suggested that "as a woman Chastity couldn't understand why anyone would pay to hear her mother sing. Apparently, the only way to enjoy Cher's voice is to become a gay man." Chastity was prepared to undergo gender reassignment ("what the hell I'm gay anyway!") in order to understand what others are experiencing. "Gay men hear something that I don't", said Mr./Ms. Bono. Chaz has decided that, even if after the procedure, Cher still sounds like an adenoidal aardvark the experience will still be beneficial. "I already like show tunes but I never got Judy Garland. Maybe owning gonads will help."
Insiders were unsure as to whether this surgery is more or less radical than some of the things that medical science has done to her mother. One thing is clear, the daughter Cher already has will become the son she always wanted. Who says there are no happy endings in Hollywood?
OMG!
Ahmed Ghailani is in America. Hide the children! Lock up the women! Buy yourself a gun! No, two guns!
Who, might you ask, is Ahmed Ghailani? Is he Lex Luthor come to life? Perhaps the reincarnation of Vlad Dracul? Hannibal Lector in the flesh? To hear the timid John Boehner of Ohio tell it, Ghailani is swine flu and Y2K all stuffed into an orange jumpsuit.
Actually, Ahmed Ghailani is a terrorist suspect who has been transferred from Guantanamo to New York to stand trial for allegedly participating in the 1998 embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania. He stands accused of 286 counts (that's a lot of counts) of whatever you do to get charged 286 times. I'm guessing one count for each person killed or wounded in the explosions. To my knowledge, he was not transported in a straight jacket and a tricked-out hockey mask.
To watch some senators and congressmen quake, you would think that Mr. Ghailani planned each detail of the attacks personally as well as those of the U.S.S. Cole, the bombing of the Marine barracks in Lebanon in 1983 and the explosion of the U.S.S. Maine in San Juan Harbor in 1898. These fearless leaders are terrified that America's Judicial machinery and the U.S.Prison Systems will not be up to the task of incarcerating this guy. Apparently our lawmakers think that the jail cells that held John Gotti, Charlie Manson, Manuel Noriega and Phil Spector are not up to the superhuman powers of a 35 year old Tanzanian forger. Our brave congresspersons have apparently forgotten that four other terrorists, previously convicted in the same bombing are currently serving lengthy sentences in our inadequate prison in Florence,Colorado.
At what point did we become such a timid country? The mere suggestion that detainees from Guantanamo might be tried and released in America (an eventuality which has been suggested by no one with a job in government) sends our citizens running for cover. And exactly what would happen if Mr. Ghailani were to be freed on Main Street U.S.A.? Do we imagine that he would get a job bagging groceries at Giant, buy a gun and quietly plan for the overthrow of America? We already have plenty of home-grown nuts engaged in that pursuit. Perhaps he would buy a house in suburbia and infiltrate the PTA.
Holy gonads, people! We fought World War II. I'm guessing we are strong enough to put a few prisoners on trial. Just be careful who you elect to the presidency of your home town swim club. He might be an alumnus of the University of Guantanamo.
In a related story, another country, apparently one with more spine than we have, has volunteered to take several of the Guantanamo prisoners off our hands. But who? What country has the fortifications to handle these criminals? Is there a nation with the force of will to face down an enemy that has America quaking in its Doc Martins?
Yes, it's that well known fortress of solitude... Bermuda. The government in Hamilton has agreed to take four Chinese Uighurs who had been held without charge or trial by the Bush government for seven years. Bermuda joins the growing list of brave countries such as Albania and Palau that have agreed to take responsibility for America's mess. We should be so proud. We appear to the world as standing on a chair shrieking while middle eastern mice run under our feet. It's not hard to fathom why Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad aren't impressed with our threats. Maybe we should enlist the army of Palau?
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...and now for something completely different.
Chastity Bono, daughter of the late Sonny and Cher, (We suspect that Cher is actually dead. She just refuses to lie down.) has decided to undergo "gender reassignment". And we all thought Sonny was the nutty one! Mr. Bono the younger (the transmigration has already begun) will be called Chaz.
Although Mr. Bono has declined interviews (probably 'til his voice modulates) people close to his people assume that the decision was brought about by Chaz's inability to appreciate his mother's singing as long as he was a woman. One source suggested that "as a woman Chastity couldn't understand why anyone would pay to hear her mother sing. Apparently, the only way to enjoy Cher's voice is to become a gay man." Chastity was prepared to undergo gender reassignment ("what the hell I'm gay anyway!") in order to understand what others are experiencing. "Gay men hear something that I don't", said Mr./Ms. Bono. Chaz has decided that, even if after the procedure, Cher still sounds like an adenoidal aardvark the experience will still be beneficial. "I already like show tunes but I never got Judy Garland. Maybe owning gonads will help."
Insiders were unsure as to whether this surgery is more or less radical than some of the things that medical science has done to her mother. One thing is clear, the daughter Cher already has will become the son she always wanted. Who says there are no happy endings in Hollywood?
...or is being conflicted about abotion a reason to do something or a reason to do nothing?
Abortion in America is the ultimate hot button issue. If you are opposed to continued legalization you can, with some justification, claim the moral high ground. In your world, abortion is murder, its practitioners, murderers. The issue is black and white. Forget incest and rape. Every fetus is a person. You would like to see all clinics closed and, short of the shooting in Wichita last week, almost any action that achieves that end is justified.
For the other side, those who support the right to choose, the issue is less about morals than civil rights. The state has no right to decide what a woman can do with her own body. Within the vague but universally accepted boundaries of trimesters, women should be allowed to chose whether to carry their fetus to term. Using words like "viable" and even "baby" put the focus on the pregnancy rather than on the pregnant. Pro choice advocates would rather frame the argument as one involving emancipation. Women should be allowed to make any medical decision that directly affects them. That right of self-governance should not be infringed upon by any state law involving counseling, notification of parents or waiting periods.
As with most weighty issues in this country, the majority of us have opinions that fall somewhere in the middle. No one likes the idea of abortion. Euphemisms not withstanding, most Americans would be just as happy if the entire practice became unnecessary. If every pregnancy was a blessing and every child a gift the world would be a better place. Sadly, this is not the universe in which we live. The reason that many abortion opponents are silent is because many people are uncomfortable making decisions for others. Abortion isn't legal because it's popular. It's legal because many of us would rather leave the choices to the people involved.
Nevertheless, the shameful, unhelpful, irresponsible rabble-rousing taking place in the media needs to be addressed and seriously curtailed. For a huckster like Bill O'Reilly to deny any responsibility for the shooting death of Dr. George Tiller is tantamount to a bartender escaping blame for over-serving a customer who then kills with a car. Let's have no feigned shock and surprise that, having filled the airways with half-truths and invectives like Tiller the Killer, some misguided loser might think he was serving the greater good. Words have consequences. No one wants to censor Bill O'Reilly and his ilk but when your snide, smirky editorials result in a murder (and in a church, no less) decency demands that you own up to your role in the deed.
O'Reilly's portrayal of women having abortions as casual killers who would be inconvenienced by childbirth because it interfered with a hair appointment, is the worst kind of uninformed insincerity. Bill O'Reilly has less insight into the heart of a woman with an unwanted pregnancy than he has for a Zulu tribesman in Africa. His insensitivity is fueled entirely by a grab for ratings. Controversy is king. Moral outrage allows for hyperbole. His audience would view any hint of compassion as liberal backsliding. After all, we're red blooded American Christians. Who wants to listen to Oprah in white face?
Abortion is not a simple issue. It defies bumper-sticker sloganeering. The old saying was that a Republican was a Democrat with a job. Well, a Liberal is just a Conservative facing an unwanted pregnancy. Words like empathy and compassion may not play well on Fox News but they should be an integral part of the lexicon of any person who aspires to elective office. As for anyone with a microphone and an audience, go gently into that good night. Free speech is guaranteed in America but so is the pursuit of happiness. Go easy on people whose problems you were not invited to solve.
For the other side, those who support the right to choose, the issue is less about morals than civil rights. The state has no right to decide what a woman can do with her own body. Within the vague but universally accepted boundaries of trimesters, women should be allowed to chose whether to carry their fetus to term. Using words like "viable" and even "baby" put the focus on the pregnancy rather than on the pregnant. Pro choice advocates would rather frame the argument as one involving emancipation. Women should be allowed to make any medical decision that directly affects them. That right of self-governance should not be infringed upon by any state law involving counseling, notification of parents or waiting periods.
As with most weighty issues in this country, the majority of us have opinions that fall somewhere in the middle. No one likes the idea of abortion. Euphemisms not withstanding, most Americans would be just as happy if the entire practice became unnecessary. If every pregnancy was a blessing and every child a gift the world would be a better place. Sadly, this is not the universe in which we live. The reason that many abortion opponents are silent is because many people are uncomfortable making decisions for others. Abortion isn't legal because it's popular. It's legal because many of us would rather leave the choices to the people involved.
Nevertheless, the shameful, unhelpful, irresponsible rabble-rousing taking place in the media needs to be addressed and seriously curtailed. For a huckster like Bill O'Reilly to deny any responsibility for the shooting death of Dr. George Tiller is tantamount to a bartender escaping blame for over-serving a customer who then kills with a car. Let's have no feigned shock and surprise that, having filled the airways with half-truths and invectives like Tiller the Killer, some misguided loser might think he was serving the greater good. Words have consequences. No one wants to censor Bill O'Reilly and his ilk but when your snide, smirky editorials result in a murder (and in a church, no less) decency demands that you own up to your role in the deed.
O'Reilly's portrayal of women having abortions as casual killers who would be inconvenienced by childbirth because it interfered with a hair appointment, is the worst kind of uninformed insincerity. Bill O'Reilly has less insight into the heart of a woman with an unwanted pregnancy than he has for a Zulu tribesman in Africa. His insensitivity is fueled entirely by a grab for ratings. Controversy is king. Moral outrage allows for hyperbole. His audience would view any hint of compassion as liberal backsliding. After all, we're red blooded American Christians. Who wants to listen to Oprah in white face?
Abortion is not a simple issue. It defies bumper-sticker sloganeering. The old saying was that a Republican was a Democrat with a job. Well, a Liberal is just a Conservative facing an unwanted pregnancy. Words like empathy and compassion may not play well on Fox News but they should be an integral part of the lexicon of any person who aspires to elective office. As for anyone with a microphone and an audience, go gently into that good night. Free speech is guaranteed in America but so is the pursuit of happiness. Go easy on people whose problems you were not invited to solve.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
...or is stupidity showing itself to be recession-proof?
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Everybody's favorite rock-star reverend, Father Alberto Cutie, (nice name!) has decided to sow the seeds of faith in a different garden (No, not that garden!). The popular talk show host (he's not much in the Northeast but I hear he's big down under) has decided that when it comes to priestly vows: poverty is OK, obedience is fine, chastity...not so much. Having been photographed canoodling with his girlfriend on a beach, the Pastor of Disaster has moved his retail operation to a different spot on the Ecclesiastical Mall. Father Cutie will now ply his trade from an Episcopal pulpit. Episcopalians, it seams, are not as "religious" about loving your neighbor.
As for the Catholics, they have adopted a practical attitude., Secretly, they're just happy that Father Cutie's indiscretion didn't involve a little boy or a farm animal.
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Continuing in the same pew...it seems that Mel Gibson has discovered that the shoes of the fisherman can sometimes be a mite tight. Gibson, who hails from a long line of Catholic scolds, is demanding that the parishioners of his Church, Holy Family Chapel (no irony there) not judge him or question his morals. Apparently having produced and directed the cinematic bloodbath known as the Passion of the Christ, Mel feels entitled to a "get out of your marriage free" card. Catholics prohibit divorce and they take an even dimmer view of knocking up your new girlfriend.
Considering the gazzilion dollar settlement that Gibson's ex is expecting from the courts, Mel may wish to consider beginning preproduction for "Passion of the Christ II, The Resurrection".
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It's just possible that Viagra is actually named for a small town in Italy. If so, the village is most certainly the ancestral home of Silvio Berlusconi, current prime minister of Italy. Signor Berlusconi has had his picture in the news a great deal lately. He may not be easy to spot however, because the photos are also peopled with a gaggle of topless 18 year-olds. Apparently where marriage, fidelity and dirty old men are concerned, even Italians have limits. Who knew?Whatever rules of amore exist in Italy, Berlusconi has broken one.
Naturally, the source of the prurient details of Silvio's trysts is his soon-to-be-ex-wife. The Prime Minister laments that his wife is just trying to justify her long time affair with her bodyguard. Ah, love!
The bigger question is how can a country be dumb enough to elect a guy who can't keep his fly closed and who preys on women young enough to be his daughter? Oh, yeah! Sorry, Mr. Clinton.
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What do Arkansas, Indiana, Virginia and Nevada have in common? They are the four states that currently prohibit drivers from smiling for their license photos. Apparently smiling complicates the use of facial recognition software for criminal apprehension. It remains curious that, having spent unending hours at the mercy of the Department of Motor Vehicles, anyone would find anything to smile about.
The state of Wyoming has decided a change in the law was unnecessary. They will merely ask for compliance or, in the case of the former vice president...beg.
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Those crackerjack security personnel at The State Department have exposed yet another traitor to our country. The swift arrest of Walter Kendall Myers and his wife Gwendolyn proves yet again that our government watchdogs never sleep. The nefarious Mr. Myers who is 72 and his Mada Harri wife, 71, were captured after an espionage career of only...30 years. After three decades of smuggling secrets to Cuba, the State Dept finally pounced. What exactly were the Feds waiting for? The guy is retired, for Pete sake. The only thing he could furnish to his Cuban handlers now were early-bird menus from Denny's.
Myers had a longer career smuggling secrets than most people have careers. Wasn't anyone alerted when the Myers retirement party featured a Mariachi band and the gifts included a box of good cigars with no card?
Mr. Myers joins an expanding list of home-grown traitors who have made an impressive career of selling secrets to our enemies...and our friends. Robert Hanssen of the FBI sold secrets to the Soviets for 20 years before he was caught. Aldrich Ames, although a relative novice at nine years, held one of the most sensitive possible jobs at CIA. At one point Ames was in charge of the task force assigned to identify leaks. Who knew that being a secret agent came with a retirement plan?
____________________________________________________________________
Everybody's favorite rock-star reverend, Father Alberto Cutie, (nice name!) has decided to sow the seeds of faith in a different garden (No, not that garden!). The popular talk show host (he's not much in the Northeast but I hear he's big down under) has decided that when it comes to priestly vows: poverty is OK, obedience is fine, chastity...not so much. Having been photographed canoodling with his girlfriend on a beach, the Pastor of Disaster has moved his retail operation to a different spot on the Ecclesiastical Mall. Father Cutie will now ply his trade from an Episcopal pulpit. Episcopalians, it seams, are not as "religious" about loving your neighbor.
As for the Catholics, they have adopted a practical attitude., Secretly, they're just happy that Father Cutie's indiscretion didn't involve a little boy or a farm animal.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Continuing in the same pew...it seems that Mel Gibson has discovered that the shoes of the fisherman can sometimes be a mite tight. Gibson, who hails from a long line of Catholic scolds, is demanding that the parishioners of his Church, Holy Family Chapel (no irony there) not judge him or question his morals. Apparently having produced and directed the cinematic bloodbath known as the Passion of the Christ, Mel feels entitled to a "get out of your marriage free" card. Catholics prohibit divorce and they take an even dimmer view of knocking up your new girlfriend.
Considering the gazzilion dollar settlement that Gibson's ex is expecting from the courts, Mel may wish to consider beginning preproduction for "Passion of the Christ II, The Resurrection".
___________________________________________________________________
Item
It's just possible that Viagra is actually named for a small town in Italy. If so, the village is most certainly the ancestral home of Silvio Berlusconi, current prime minister of Italy. Signor Berlusconi has had his picture in the news a great deal lately. He may not be easy to spot however, because the photos are also peopled with a gaggle of topless 18 year-olds. Apparently where marriage, fidelity and dirty old men are concerned, even Italians have limits. Who knew?Whatever rules of amore exist in Italy, Berlusconi has broken one.
Naturally, the source of the prurient details of Silvio's trysts is his soon-to-be-ex-wife. The Prime Minister laments that his wife is just trying to justify her long time affair with her bodyguard. Ah, love!
The bigger question is how can a country be dumb enough to elect a guy who can't keep his fly closed and who preys on women young enough to be his daughter? Oh, yeah! Sorry, Mr. Clinton.
__________________________________________________________________
Item
What do Arkansas, Indiana, Virginia and Nevada have in common? They are the four states that currently prohibit drivers from smiling for their license photos. Apparently smiling complicates the use of facial recognition software for criminal apprehension. It remains curious that, having spent unending hours at the mercy of the Department of Motor Vehicles, anyone would find anything to smile about.
The state of Wyoming has decided a change in the law was unnecessary. They will merely ask for compliance or, in the case of the former vice president...beg.
____________________________________________________________________
Item
Those crackerjack security personnel at The State Department have exposed yet another traitor to our country. The swift arrest of Walter Kendall Myers and his wife Gwendolyn proves yet again that our government watchdogs never sleep. The nefarious Mr. Myers who is 72 and his Mada Harri wife, 71, were captured after an espionage career of only...30 years. After three decades of smuggling secrets to Cuba, the State Dept finally pounced. What exactly were the Feds waiting for? The guy is retired, for Pete sake. The only thing he could furnish to his Cuban handlers now were early-bird menus from Denny's.
Myers had a longer career smuggling secrets than most people have careers. Wasn't anyone alerted when the Myers retirement party featured a Mariachi band and the gifts included a box of good cigars with no card?
Mr. Myers joins an expanding list of home-grown traitors who have made an impressive career of selling secrets to our enemies...and our friends. Robert Hanssen of the FBI sold secrets to the Soviets for 20 years before he was caught. Aldrich Ames, although a relative novice at nine years, held one of the most sensitive possible jobs at CIA. At one point Ames was in charge of the task force assigned to identify leaks. Who knew that being a secret agent came with a retirement plan?
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