Thank you Jesus for sending us the law firm of Sanford, Vetter, Spitzer, Edwards, Clinton, Ensign and Craig. Among these mid-life, middle-aged horn toads there has been more nookie than at a Marilyn Chambers film festival. These guys have done more for the motel industry that the entire federal highway system. Makes you wish you had the cialis concession at the Republican National Convention. To be fair, government sleaze has been delightfully distributed across party lines. Clearly, both Republicans and Democrats take their pants off one leg at a time. Apparently the ability to think with body parts other than your brain is not limited to either the blue or the red. It is, however, more fun to lampoon the Republicans because they are so damn sanctimonious and close to God.
As everyone knows by now, the latest inductee into the Hall of the Shameless is South Carolina's Republican Governor Mark Sanford. Sanford's case reads like the OJ chase without the Bronco. Having disappeared for four days (sort of a junket for his junk) the Governor emerged yesterday at a press conference clearly staged by Danielle Steele. Spilling enough tears to short-circuit the microphones, Sanford rambled and sobbed for forty minutes about everything from his high school excursions to the Appalachian Trail to the "sparking" of his South American paramour. The Andy Hardy language about "sparking" and "God's law" was more reminiscent of young love in a Chevy convertible than an international boinking with an Argentine firecracker. Sanford apologized so often and to so many people, he almost didn't get around to what he had done.
In a move unusual for these sincerity-fests, Governor Sanford actually took questions. In a move not so unusual, he didn't actually answer any of them.
Example: Question "Governor, are you separated from your wife?"
Answer "I--I don't know how you want to define that. I mean, I'm here. She's there."
Makes you think of Bill Clinton's famous attempt to parse the definition of "is". Happily, it looked as though Mark Sanford put as much thought into this press conference as he did into the consequences of shtupping the girl from Ipanema. The performance was so pathetic that the people standing around and behind him were laughing. It appeared that he just walked into the State House, set up a podium and began speaking. The tour groups found him way more interesting than the statuary.
As of today Sanford in still the governor but, as allegations regarding who paid for the plane rides to paradise emerge, expect to see "Press Conference II, The 'I Quit' Moment". Hopefully, he will spare us the "I'm leaving to spend more time with my family" refrain.
Meanwhile, the ranks of Presidential hopefuls on the Republican side is thinning faster than Oprah at the farmer's market. It's probably redundant to suggest that contenders are dropping like flies in that dropping flies appear to be the problem. At this rate, only someone as old as Grandpa McCain will be above suspicion. Among those whose shoes have thus far not been found under the wrong Beautyrest are:
Newt Gingrich. Although caught cheating on his wife and attempting to serve her divorce papers while she was recovering from cancer treatments, he hasn't been disgraced recently.
As everyone knows by now, the latest inductee into the Hall of the Shameless is South Carolina's Republican Governor Mark Sanford. Sanford's case reads like the OJ chase without the Bronco. Having disappeared for four days (sort of a junket for his junk) the Governor emerged yesterday at a press conference clearly staged by Danielle Steele. Spilling enough tears to short-circuit the microphones, Sanford rambled and sobbed for forty minutes about everything from his high school excursions to the Appalachian Trail to the "sparking" of his South American paramour. The Andy Hardy language about "sparking" and "God's law" was more reminiscent of young love in a Chevy convertible than an international boinking with an Argentine firecracker. Sanford apologized so often and to so many people, he almost didn't get around to what he had done.
In a move unusual for these sincerity-fests, Governor Sanford actually took questions. In a move not so unusual, he didn't actually answer any of them.
Example: Question "Governor, are you separated from your wife?"
Answer "I--I don't know how you want to define that. I mean, I'm here. She's there."
Makes you think of Bill Clinton's famous attempt to parse the definition of "is". Happily, it looked as though Mark Sanford put as much thought into this press conference as he did into the consequences of shtupping the girl from Ipanema. The performance was so pathetic that the people standing around and behind him were laughing. It appeared that he just walked into the State House, set up a podium and began speaking. The tour groups found him way more interesting than the statuary.
As of today Sanford in still the governor but, as allegations regarding who paid for the plane rides to paradise emerge, expect to see "Press Conference II, The 'I Quit' Moment". Hopefully, he will spare us the "I'm leaving to spend more time with my family" refrain.
Meanwhile, the ranks of Presidential hopefuls on the Republican side is thinning faster than Oprah at the farmer's market. It's probably redundant to suggest that contenders are dropping like flies in that dropping flies appear to be the problem. At this rate, only someone as old as Grandpa McCain will be above suspicion. Among those whose shoes have thus far not been found under the wrong Beautyrest are:
Newt Gingrich. Although caught cheating on his wife and attempting to serve her divorce papers while she was recovering from cancer treatments, he hasn't been disgraced recently.
Tom Pawlenty. Pawlenty is the current governor of Minnesota and, so far as we know, isn't currently doing the horizontal merengue with Carman Maranda. Were I head of the GNC, I would have Pawlenty neutered immediately.
Charlie Crist. Charlie is currently campaigning for the Senate from Florida but rumors abound that Crist hits for the other team and we don't mean the Democrats. Any thought that the Republicans could nominate a homosexual for President is enough to make the statue of Ronald Reagan in the Capitol leap directly into the Potomac.
2012 is still a long way off and a weasel like Eric Cantor might yet emerge. And don't forget the Disaster from Alaska. Sarah may be a buffoon but who knows? Perhaps if someone advises her to actually read the speeches she gives or, act as if her audience had finished the fourth grade, better times await. Unfortunately, with Governor Palin's knowledge of geography, she might actually believe that the Appalachian Trail cuts through Buenos Aires.
1 comment:
I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun
So I chose freedom
Running around, trying everything new
But nothing impressed me at all
I never expected it to
Post a Comment