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OMG!
Ahmed Ghailani is in America. Hide the children! Lock up the women! Buy yourself a gun! No, two guns!
Who, might you ask, is Ahmed Ghailani? Is he Lex Luthor come to life? Perhaps the reincarnation of Vlad Dracul? Hannibal Lector in the flesh? To hear the timid John Boehner of Ohio tell it, Ghailani is swine flu and Y2K all stuffed into an orange jumpsuit.
Actually, Ahmed Ghailani is a terrorist suspect who has been transferred from Guantanamo to New York to stand trial for allegedly participating in the 1998 embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania. He stands accused of 286 counts (that's a lot of counts) of whatever you do to get charged 286 times. I'm guessing one count for each person killed or wounded in the explosions. To my knowledge, he was not transported in a straight jacket and a tricked-out hockey mask.
To watch some senators and congressmen quake, you would think that Mr. Ghailani planned each detail of the attacks personally as well as those of the U.S.S. Cole, the bombing of the Marine barracks in Lebanon in 1983 and the explosion of the U.S.S. Maine in San Juan Harbor in 1898. These fearless leaders are terrified that America's Judicial machinery and the U.S.Prison Systems will not be up to the task of incarcerating this guy. Apparently our lawmakers think that the jail cells that held John Gotti, Charlie Manson, Manuel Noriega and Phil Spector are not up to the superhuman powers of a 35 year old Tanzanian forger. Our brave congresspersons have apparently forgotten that four other terrorists, previously convicted in the same bombing are currently serving lengthy sentences in our inadequate prison in Florence,Colorado.
At what point did we become such a timid country? The mere suggestion that detainees from Guantanamo might be tried and released in America (an eventuality which has been suggested by no one with a job in government) sends our citizens running for cover. And exactly what would happen if Mr. Ghailani were to be freed on Main Street U.S.A.? Do we imagine that he would get a job bagging groceries at Giant, buy a gun and quietly plan for the overthrow of America? We already have plenty of home-grown nuts engaged in that pursuit. Perhaps he would buy a house in suburbia and infiltrate the PTA.
Holy gonads, people! We fought World War II. I'm guessing we are strong enough to put a few prisoners on trial. Just be careful who you elect to the presidency of your home town swim club. He might be an alumnus of the University of Guantanamo.
In a related story, another country, apparently one with more spine than we have, has volunteered to take several of the Guantanamo prisoners off our hands. But who? What country has the fortifications to handle these criminals? Is there a nation with the force of will to face down an enemy that has America quaking in its Doc Martins?
Yes, it's that well known fortress of solitude... Bermuda. The government in Hamilton has agreed to take four Chinese Uighurs who had been held without charge or trial by the Bush government for seven years. Bermuda joins the growing list of brave countries such as Albania and Palau that have agreed to take responsibility for America's mess. We should be so proud. We appear to the world as standing on a chair shrieking while middle eastern mice run under our feet. It's not hard to fathom why Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad aren't impressed with our threats. Maybe we should enlist the army of Palau?
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...and now for something completely different.
Chastity Bono, daughter of the late Sonny and Cher, (We suspect that Cher is actually dead. She just refuses to lie down.) has decided to undergo "gender reassignment". And we all thought Sonny was the nutty one! Mr. Bono the younger (the transmigration has already begun) will be called Chaz.
Although Mr. Bono has declined interviews (probably 'til his voice modulates) people close to his people assume that the decision was brought about by Chaz's inability to appreciate his mother's singing as long as he was a woman. One source suggested that "as a woman Chastity couldn't understand why anyone would pay to hear her mother sing. Apparently, the only way to enjoy Cher's voice is to become a gay man." Chastity was prepared to undergo gender reassignment ("what the hell I'm gay anyway!") in order to understand what others are experiencing. "Gay men hear something that I don't", said Mr./Ms. Bono. Chaz has decided that, even if after the procedure, Cher still sounds like an adenoidal aardvark the experience will still be beneficial. "I already like show tunes but I never got Judy Garland. Maybe owning gonads will help."
Insiders were unsure as to whether this surgery is more or less radical than some of the things that medical science has done to her mother. One thing is clear, the daughter Cher already has will become the son she always wanted. Who says there are no happy endings in Hollywood?
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