...or can we at least agree that God must have an infinite sense of humor?

While you were sleeping...



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A teenager in New York is suing the city for injuries suffered when she fell down an open manhole. The Staten Island native, one Alexa Longueira, was engaged in sending a text message at the time of the accident. Presumably the message was something along the lines of "OMG I like walked into a dk hole. I'm cut and like bleeding. No LOL please" Alexa was unhurt and we can only hope that, next time, the municipality of Staten Island re-covers the manhole...with Alexa still inside.



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State liquor officials in Alabama have halted the sale of Cycles Gladiator wine because the label, a reproduction of an 1895 French advertising poster, depicts a naked flying nymph.

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The British government has issued a set of guidelines for civil servants using Twitter. As you may know, Twitter messages can run to no more than 140 characters. The manual issued by the British government is 20 pages.



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It is impossible to add anything constructive to the Gates/Crowley dustup of last week except that the President, along with every other black man in America, cannot be faulted for believing that the arrest, in his own home, of a limping 57 year old black man by a white Cambridge cop, was racially motivated.



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The recent gaggle of scandals vexing the Republican Party has brought unwelcome attention to a fundamentalist Christian organization referred to as "The Family". The group operates out of a boarding house on C Street in Washington and includes among its followers John Ensign, who got his parents to pay off his former mistress and her husband to the tune of $96,000; Mark "hiking the Appalachian Trail" Sanford and Charles "Chip" Pickering of Mississippi who has recently been accused of using the group's C St. house as his own chateau l'amour. In case these names sound familiar, these are the same fellows who in 1998, were hunting Bill Clinton's head (while Bill Clinton was hunting head). Apparently being a swordsman is only a crime if you're a Democrat.

The origins of The Family are as interesting as they are bizarre. Founded by Abraham Vereide, a Norwegian immigrant working in the poorer precincts of Seattle, Reverend Vereide (he was,among other things, a traveling preacher) determined that: 1) unions were socialist, 2) socialism was evil, and, 3) ministering to the poor was less profitable than the brochure had led him to believe. Abe claimed to have been visited by God who took the form of the president of U.S. Steel ( apparently, the ghost of Andrew Carnegie was otherwise engaged). This CEO/God assured Rev. Abe that there were already plenty of folks ministering to the poor. Abe was instructed to care for the troubled and spiritually neglected captains of industry and the leaders of America. What a break!



Delighted to cast off the smell of poverty for the sweet aroma of wealth, Reverend Vereide set about organizing his new ministry. In 1941 he arrived in Washington and immediately began acquiring converts to his "poor people are swine, greed is divine" brand of Christianity. By 1953 he had gained access to Dwight Eisenhower who was the first President to attend his National Prayer Breakfast. Presidents , including Barack Obama, have been appearing ever since.



By 1969, Reverend Vereide went to join that great country club in the sky, leaving the reins of leadership to Doug Coe. Now 81, Mr. Coe is still a powerful voice for the group. Among his religious tenants are: 1) It's OK to profess virtue and still bed your campaign workers. Morals are for the little people. 2)Hitler, Pol Pot and Osama bin Laden are to be admired as leaders who were able to organize their followers. 3) Powerful people are ordained by God and are more important in his eyes. So what was all that New Testament drivel about the difficulty of a rich man entering the kingdom of heaven?



The leaders of The Family have compared the group to the Mafia. They like a low profile. They also don't care how a man makes a living or who gets hurt in the process. In the eyes of The Family, if God did not want them shorn, he would not have made them sheep.



Like all successful Christian demigods, Coe has found a scriptural passage to justify his beliefs. Given half a chance, Christians could find a biblical imperative for dunking donuts in coffee. Coe decrees that King David, famously adulterous, was still one of God's chosen. Did David resign in the face of scandal? He did not. In other words, "It's good to be the King". This is the reason for the lack of resignations coming from those caught with their zippers at half staff. Sanford, Ensign & Co. have been advised that, because they are among the power elite, the rules of decency and morality don't apply to them. That must have come as welcome news.



Anyway, next time you find yourself in Washington, stop by the house on C Street. There's always a cup of relativism brewing along with some delicious situational morality cookies. Who knows, you might even get lucky...if your clout is big enough.

...or are you not holding your breadth waiting for your ticket to the Michael Jackson memorial?

Did I miss the memo where Michael Jackson was declared the second coming of Gandhi? Was his performance of Billie Jean so epic that the memorial service for its creator would fill the Rose Bowl? (I know, the service is actually at the Staple Center.) Will Thriller endure in the American cultural pantheon alongside God Bless America, The Battle Hymn of The Republic or The Purple People Eater? Although it is a truism that each generation has its popular icons, the media outpouring for the King of Pop has been, to say the least, extraordinary to say the most, excessive.


Far be it from me to confuse the issue with facts but, Michael Jackson hasn't produced anything musically significant in years. What he has produced is a steady stream of head-shaking headlines. From waving his baby over the railing of a German hotel balcony to hosting children's sleepovers at the Neverland Ranch, Jackson has given new definition to the term "artist as kook". Physically, he has transformed himself (with the help of a condition called vitiligo) from an adorable black child sensation to a cartoon crossover between Plasticman and Mummenschantz. Jackson had, by the time of his death, more work done on his face that the statues on Mount Rushmore.


All of this odd behavior doesn't diminish his enormous talent and universal appeal. Thriller remains the best-selling album of all time and produced seven number one hits. His stage performances throughout the eighties were legendary. Jackson almost singlehandedly put MTV on the broadcast map. Nevertheless, the endless television coverage and the plethora of magazine cover stories is more fitting for Pope John Paul II or FDR than a musician. The single most absurd coverage to date is Anderson Cooper's trackdown of Bubbles the Chimp. CNN should be ashamed.


The specifics of the memorial scheduled for July 7th in Los Angeles have been kept secret but one suspects that the service will have all the solemnity of a Cirque du Soleis. Leading the mourners will be Joe Jackson who has thusfar found the death of his meal-ticket son a wonderful opportunity to discuss his new record company. Expect to see all your old favorites. They'll be Jesse Jackson, a requisite fixture at the service of any black celebrity (he had the gig for Miles Davis), Al Sharpton, a requisite fixture at the funeral of any black person who dies tragically (Al did the honors for James Brown) and Debbie Rowe. Ms. Rowe was the charming young lady who 1) married Michael, 2) may have given him two children, and 3)sold the kids to Jackson ...twice.

If Ms. Rowe is attending, there is a payday in her future.


Amid all the disgraceful huckstering, there is one person who appears to possess the only dignity available in the entire Southern California area. Michael's mother Katherine, who has been awarded temporary custody of the Jackson children, has been a pillar of reserve and decorum throughout the entire sorded affair. As Angelenos rush to buy their memorial service tickets on ebay and gush effusively over how much Michael Jackson meant to them, someone should pay attention to Katherine Jackson. She didn't loose a paycheck or a free ride to undeserved celebrity.She probably doesn't know how many gold records Michael Jackson had or, how far in debt his estate actually is. Katherine Jackson lost a son. That's enough tragedy for anyone.

...or would lipstick not be enough to beautify this pig of a press conference?

Before the good people of Alaska got to decide if they had had enough of Sarah Palin, the Governor has announced that she has had enough of Alaska. It's too cold, it's too snowy and most important, it's too far from all those ass-kissing Conservatives that form the Republican base. It's also too far from the HQ of CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, Fox News, and The New York Times. Sarah may profess to hate them but how can you rail at the coverage you get in the media if you aren't being covered? Of course if you want coverage, it helps if you tell someone in the press about your press conference.

Not content to announce that she will not seek a second term as Alaska's Governor, Sweet Sarah has abdicated her ice throne as of July 26 this year. Conjecture as to the reason for this strangely timed escape is just that; conjecture. The Governor gave no reason for her hasty retreat. She babbled on for ten or fifteen minutes during a news conference that was planned with a little less thought than a Tupperware party. She spoke about Kosovo, brave soldiers, point guards, Gen. MacArthur, and politics as blood sport. What? No mention of Michael Jackson? As with most of Governor Palin's public pronouncements, this speech rambled like an Alaska road. It just goes for a while with no discernible destination, then stops.

Amidst all the dreck about how much she's accomplished (in half a term) and how noble she is by quitting the easiest government gig on the planet (after Joe Biden's), she had the colossal gall to suggest that she was disgusted by the media's treatment of her family. This is the same women who carted her household all over America as though they were the road show of the Grapes of Wrath. Baby Trig has more frequent flyer miles than Sully Sullenberger.

True to her proclivity for making stuff up (I rejected the Road to Nowhere, etc) she feigned distaste at the mean things that have been said about her Downs Syndrome baby. For the record, no one has said anything about her youngest child. No one. The reason that the rest of her brood became punchlines for the late nite TV guys is that she put them out there like contestants on Big Brother. Conversly, the reason Chelsea Clinton and the Bush twins were left alone was because their parents kept them out of the public eye. Palin treated her family like props in a minstrel show.

Because speculation is rampant regarding the plans of the soon-to-be-ex-Governor, allow me to suggest a few possibilities:

1) Prior to a run for the Republican nomination for President in 2012, Ms. Palin plans to obtain an on-line degree in Geography. Particular attention will be paid to the distance between By-God, Alaska and By-Godski, Russia.

2) Ms. Palin needs a full three years to accumulate a wardrobe that's suitable for visiting all fifty states...without help from the RNC.

3) More time will be needed to write a few new jokes...hopefully some that don't involve lipstick, hockey moms or Bill Ayers.

4) She is planning a trip to the Mayo clinic to have "Golly" and "You Betcha" surgically removed from her vocabulary.

Sarah feels it will take all of her time to convince Republicans and the electorate at large that she isn't really the airheaded, all hat-no cattle, ill-informed, poorly spoken, overly folksy, minor league, impossibly unqualified light weight that we have all come to know and discount.

Anyway, congratulations to the people of Alaska. You were able to shed this embarrassing, do-nothing executive without the help of a sex scandal. Remember, Republicans don't quit because they cheat. They only quit when their constituents can't be trusted to feed their out-of-control egos. There is every reason to believe that, if she isn't impeached, Governor Palin would be soundly thrashed in 2010.

Face it Alaska, you're not cool enough for Sarah Palin. I'll bet that's the first time you ever heard that.

...or does "getting to first base" mean the same thing in the Southern Hemisphere?

Love is never having to say "I did it for the frequent-flyer miles".



Pity the poor journalist or blogger desperately attempting to stay ahead of the Mark Sanford story. No sooner do we attempt an analysis of the revelations of last week: I wasn't really hiking the Appalachian Trail. Actually I was exploring the "Andes", and it wasn't my first expedition. But don't hate me too much because I'm in love.


Now we are faced with "Episode Dos" in the steamiest soap since Hospital Corners.. It seems that Governor Mark's dalliance in South America might not have been his first trip south of the border (wink, wink, nod, nod). In an interview with the Associated Press, Governor Swordsman admitted to a few additional trysts with at least four other women. In a statement filled with more euphemisms than my last trip to a confessional, Gov. Sanford spoke of not "crossing the sex line". I immediately assumed that there was a hookers strike and the Governor was being a good union supporter. This is the best information tease since Gypsy Rose Lee.


Attempting to parse his behavior, Sanford even included dancing as one of the activities he considered to be an out-of-bounds encounter. WOW! At the very least I thought we were talking second base. Apparently these tip-toes up to the "sex line" were a dress rehearsal (actually an un-dress rehearsal) for the main event with Maria Belen Chapur, of Buenos Aires hot tamale fame. We have been spared a blow-by-blow (sorry) description of his activities in the Southern Hemisphere but it's clear that Governor Sanford pole-vaulted over the "sex line" with room to spare.


My personal favorite was his description of a trip to New York, ostensibly to end the affair with Ms. Chapur. Deciding that an email brush-off would be gauche, Governor Sanford not only went to meet his lady in Manhattan, he brought along a "spiritual advisor". This reverse Cyrano act apparently didn't go as planned. I suspect that the spiritual advisor was asked to wait in the car while Governor Hot Pants rekindled his love. Wouldn't you love to have been on that plane ride back to South Carolina?


Sanford has delivered a personal check (presumably not from the couple's joint account) for $3,000 to cover the cost of his recent get-away in Argentina. Apparently, when it comes to soul mates, coach class is enough to get the job done. Former Governor Elliot Spitzer, upon hearing this news, remarked that at least he never paid that much for one roll in the hay. To be fair, Spitzer was only partaking of the domestic fare. Sanford's tastes run more toward the intercontinental.


Anyway, Senators Lindsey Graham, Jim Demint and the rest of the religiously damaged Conservatives of South Carolina are praying for a reconciliation between Governor Sanford and his wife of 20 years. They are also praying that Lt. Governor Andre Bauer does not become the new governor. Even if God came from a red state, this would be a tall order. Comments like " I can die knowing I met my soul mate" would only be helpful if the Governor were talking about his wife. He wasn't. Mrs. Sanford, AKA, the dutiful wife, is sequestered on Sullivan Island in South Carolina, presumably plotting to ensure that her soon-to-be-former husband couldn't be elected secretary of the Aiken Little League Association. She has been quoted as saying she might be able to forgive her chronically wayward husband. This will presumably coincide with the freezing over of either hell or Buenos Aires.

...or are the wheels of progress running over my feet?

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First we lost the IBM Selectric typewriter. Now we've lost Kodachrome. That's right gang, the Eastman Kodak Company, maker of all that film with ISO numbers you never understood, has decided to suspend the production of slide film. I guess we can't be too surprised. Between camera phones and digital cameras, the only people shooting "chromes" are the 27 folks that still have working projectors. (Admit it. Somewhere in your attic/basement you have a projector with a burned-out bulb.)

Naturally, there will be purists who will bemoan the loss of "real" photography. This would be the same gang that swears vinyl recordings are preferable to CDs and cork is better for wine than screw tops (it isn't). If the subject is "photography as art", I leave the discussion to those with a more discerning eye than mine. If we are taking about pictures of the family reunion, you just can't beat digital. How else can you take and store hundreds of pictures of people you hope never to see again? Instead of boxes and albums of old, forgotten photos of old, forgotten people, we now have memory cards and computer files filled with the same junk. Think of how many more memories we can ignore thanks to technology. Those hundreds of treasured pictures of relatives we never liked and girlfriends who made our lives a living hell can forever be stored in the digital obscurity they so richly deserve.

The ability to store our photographic memories on little bits of plastic has liberated shelf and closet space for the storage of more significant treasures... like the last issue of The New York Times, or the CD containing the confession speeches of every politician caught with his hand up someone else's skirt. (Except for Jim McGreevey, Mark Foley and Larry Craig. Their mea culpa's involved zippers.) The possibilities are endless. Just don't go looking for a typewriter to type labels.

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The Supreme Court has recently concluded its term for this year. Although most of the media attention focused on Ricci v. De Stefano, the case involving those New Haven Firefighters and the test for lieutenant, some attention should have been paid to the almost unprecedented voting of the court's more conservative members. During this court session, during which more than 75 cases were decided, Justice Clarence Thomas voted differently than Justice Antonin Scalia not once but twice! This is an event which visits the High Court with the frequency of Haley's Comet. Thomas votes in lock step with Scalia so often that it's been suggested that Scalia be given two votes and Thomas be allowed to return to Georgia. In one of the cases, Northwest Austin Municipal Utility District No. One v. Holder, Judge Thomas actually stood alone, as in 8 to 1.


Justice Thomas, who has not asked a question from the bench during oral argument since 2006 (court records indicate that the question was "Counselor, can you tell me where you bought that great looking tie?"), has been a firm opponent of all laws related to equal rights. Having availed himself of one or two opportunities made possible by the Equal Rights Act, Judge Thomas has spent the last 19 years attempting to ensure that those opportunities will not exist for others. His "get a job, boy" attitude is particularly odd in that his primary claim to fame, prior to the Court, was as head of the U.S. Equal Opportunity Employment Commission (where he met Anita Hill).


Justice Thomas' recent independent streak is not likely to last. Regardless of how conservative and radical his recent decisions have been, he has been and will remain,in the minority. Praise Jesus.

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In a press release straight out of Oz, The Roman Catholic Church has concluded "scientifically" that the bones thought to be the remains of St. Paul are... the remains of St.Paul. In a delightful example of ecclesiastical obfuscation, the Church states, "...this seems to confirm the unanimous and uncontested tradition that they (the bones Catholics have been paying to visit for hundreds of years), are the mortal remains of the Apostle Paul."

Holy Orders, Batman! What exactly is an "uncontested tradition"? Once upon a time the Church had many uncontested traditions. The Earth is flat. The Sun revolves around the Earth. These were uncontested traditions postulated for a very long time. Scientists received lengthy prison sentences for disputing these uncontested traditions.

Anyway, what the Pope learned through "scientific testing" was that the remains, buried under the altar of St. Paul's Outside the Walls Church in Rome, can be carbon-dated to the time of St. Paul. Period. Without DNA from St. Paul himself, all of the evidence is circumstantial. What the archaeologists determined was that none of the evidence contradicts what the Church has believed since the bones were interred. Having recently concluded that the Shroud of Turin is a hoax, I suspect that Rome was somewhat relieved to discover that the revered relic of St. Paul wasn't some stone mason who fell into the cement in 1827. Thank heaven for small miracles.

...or is one man's lemon another man's lemonade?

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Amid the weeping and wailing across America and the world over the death of Michael Jackson, there was a noticeable shout of joy emanating from the State Capital of South Carolina. It seems that the sudden demise of the King of Pop has knocked Governor Mark Sanford clear off the front page of the country's newspapers. Headlines like "Buenos Airhead" and "Latin Lover Emails" were erased in favor of a gushing river of praise for the man most recently famous as the most notorious pedophile not wearing a cassock. Jackson went immediately from the bizarre owner of Neverland Ranch to America's most revered performer. Death is a better detergent than Tide.



So congratulations to Governor Sanford! With any luck he will be able to continue his environmentally laudatory interest in extending the Appalachian Trail to the suburbs of Buenos Aries.

Quiet congratulations also to the family of Farrah Fawcett. The Jackson story has also allowed her loved ones to mourn with more dignity than they would normally have been accorded.



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And speaking of people getting kicked off the front page, how would you like to be Kim Jong Il?
This guy has done everything short of short-sheeting the Lincoln bedroom to get the attention of the world. Threatening to "wipe America off the map" got him more notice on Jon Stewart's show than in the New York Times. Even his nukes aren't being taken seriously. Experts agree that, short of mailing one to Hawaii, Kim's ability to deliver a bomb is limited at best. Understandably, the South Koreans and the 30,000 American military personnel stationed south of the 38th parallel are somewhat more concerned. They are relying on China to keep Kim quiet. A steady supply of Ben & Jerry's Chuncky Monkey and Bay Watch DVD's in HD have worked so far. Fingers-crossed, soon Kim will be joining his ancestors in that great rubber room in the sky and leave us all to deal with Kim Jong-un (who is actually Kim Jong-trois) the designated successor.

Recent history notwithstanding, President Obama does not feel it necessary to swat every fly. Unlike his predecessor, Obama (may the Lord guide his free-throws) has adopted an attitude that sticks and stones may break my bones but your weak-ass nuclear threat will never hurt me. Obama has bigger moles to whack.

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Which brings us to the Land of the Ayatollahs. Iran should be a cautionary tale about democracy. Not every election turns out the way you want. As Bush/Gore 2000 illustrated, elections are messy and occasionally contentious. The Iranians will have to figure it out for themselves like we did. Hopefully they will make a better choice.

The only thing we know for sure is that cheerleaders from the conservative right are as unproductive as they are unhelpful. America has no horse in this race. As Viet Nam and Iraq have so tragically illustrated, we are ill-equipped and ultimately disinclined to be the world's policeman. If Iranians want change, they know how to accomplish it. They elected Mahammed Mosaddeq in 1951, deposed the Shah in 1979 and even voted for the moderate (by Iranian standards) for president in 2001. American support for any candidate would be as toxic as a campaign appearance by GWB in 2008. We cannot control the world's elections. Hell, based on 2000 we can barely control our own.

...or is infidelity the only thing everyone in Washington can agree on?

Thank you Jesus for sending us the law firm of Sanford, Vetter, Spitzer, Edwards, Clinton, Ensign and Craig. Among these mid-life, middle-aged horn toads there has been more nookie than at a Marilyn Chambers film festival. These guys have done more for the motel industry that the entire federal highway system. Makes you wish you had the cialis concession at the Republican National Convention. To be fair, government sleaze has been delightfully distributed across party lines. Clearly, both Republicans and Democrats take their pants off one leg at a time. Apparently the ability to think with body parts other than your brain is not limited to either the blue or the red. It is, however, more fun to lampoon the Republicans because they are so damn sanctimonious and close to God.

As everyone knows by now, the latest inductee into the Hall of the Shameless is South Carolina's Republican Governor Mark Sanford. Sanford's case reads like the OJ chase without the Bronco. Having disappeared for four days (sort of a junket for his junk) the Governor emerged yesterday at a press conference clearly staged by Danielle Steele. Spilling enough tears to short-circuit the microphones, Sanford rambled and sobbed for forty minutes about everything from his high school excursions to the Appalachian Trail to the "sparking" of his South American paramour. The Andy Hardy language about "sparking" and "God's law" was more reminiscent of young love in a Chevy convertible than an international boinking with an Argentine firecracker. Sanford apologized so often and to so many people, he almost didn't get around to what he had done.

In a move unusual for these sincerity-fests, Governor Sanford actually took questions. In a move not so unusual, he didn't actually answer any of them.

Example: Question "Governor, are you separated from your wife?"


Answer "I--I don't know how you want to define that. I mean, I'm here. She's there."


Makes you think of Bill Clinton's famous attempt to parse the definition of "is". Happily, it looked as though Mark Sanford put as much thought into this press conference as he did into the consequences of shtupping the girl from Ipanema. The performance was so pathetic that the people standing around and behind him were laughing. It appeared that he just walked into the State House, set up a podium and began speaking. The tour groups found him way more interesting than the statuary.

As of today Sanford in still the governor but, as allegations regarding who paid for the plane rides to paradise emerge, expect to see "Press Conference II, The 'I Quit' Moment". Hopefully, he will spare us the "I'm leaving to spend more time with my family" refrain.

Meanwhile, the ranks of Presidential hopefuls on the Republican side is thinning faster than Oprah at the farmer's market. It's probably redundant to suggest that contenders are dropping like flies in that dropping flies appear to be the problem. At this rate, only someone as old as Grandpa McCain will be above suspicion. Among those whose shoes have thus far not been found under the wrong Beautyrest are:
Newt Gingrich. Although caught cheating on his wife and attempting to serve her divorce papers while she was recovering from cancer treatments, he hasn't been disgraced recently.

Tom Pawlenty. Pawlenty is the current governor of Minnesota and, so far as we know, isn't currently doing the horizontal merengue with Carman Maranda. Were I head of the GNC, I would have Pawlenty neutered immediately.

Charlie Crist. Charlie is currently campaigning for the Senate from Florida but rumors abound that Crist hits for the other team and we don't mean the Democrats. Any thought that the Republicans could nominate a homosexual for President is enough to make the statue of Ronald Reagan in the Capitol leap directly into the Potomac.

2012 is still a long way off and a weasel like Eric Cantor might yet emerge. And don't forget the Disaster from Alaska. Sarah may be a buffoon but who knows? Perhaps if someone advises her to actually read the speeches she gives or, act as if her audience had finished the fourth grade, better times await. Unfortunately, with Governor Palin's knowledge of geography, she might actually believe that the Appalachian Trail cuts through Buenos Aires.

...or is killing a dog worse than killing a person?

The facts go like this:

Michael Vick was an all-everything quarterback at Virginia Tech who, after college in 2001, went on to fame and fortune with the Atlanta Falcons of the NFL. Tragically, the fortune is gone and the fame became infamy.

In August, 2007 Michael Vick entered into a plea agreement with the federal court in Richmond ,VA. In the agreement he pled guilty to financing an enterprise known as the Bad Newz Kennels which was a trainer and promoter of fighting dogs. He also admitted to participating in dog fights (presumably not as a combatant) and sharing in the proceeds of the dog fights. He was aware of dogs being killed for poor performance (a concept the NFL briefly considered but rejected) but he claims he never killed a dog himself.

Judge Henry Hudson, apparently unimpressed with Vick's expressions of contrition, sentenced him to 23 months in a federal prison. The fact that Vick failed a drug test while on probation can't have helped.

Vick has served most of his sentence. Although there is no parole system for federal prisoners, Vick has been granted home confinement for the last few months of his incarceration. Aside from the radio sports talk mavens discussing whether he will be allowed to play football and for whom, interest in the Michael Vick story has waned. Aside from the made-for-TV movie that is certainly in rewrite as we speak, the sad tale of great talent wasted isn't getting much ink.



Now we have the case of Dante Stallworth. Stallworth is an eight-year pro football player out of Tennessee. He currently plies his trade of wide receiver with the Cleveland Browns. Although no Michael Vick, Stallworth is a good, not great, pass catcher. On the morning of March 14, Stallworth was headed for the beach in Miami. On the way, he struck and killed one Mario Reyes who was crossing the busy MacArthur Causeway trying to catch a bus. Stallworth was over the legal limit both in speed and alcohol. (50 in a 40 on speed; .12 in a .08 state on booze). Stallworth stopped immediately and submitted to a blood alcohol test. He was ultimately charged with DUI and second-degree manslaughter. He received a sentence of 30 days (actually knocked down to 24 days) and has been suspended indefinitely by the NFL.



In mitigation, it should be noted that Stallworth has never been in trouble...aside from a short stay in the NFL's substance abuse program. He acted responsibly at the scene (well, after he killed a guy) and the victim was out in the middle of traffic. Stallworth has made a "financial arrangement" with the Reyes family which at least avoids a wrongful death lawsuit.



The ponderable issue for today is: was Michael Vick's sentence too severe considering there was no loss of human life or, was Dante Stallworth's too lenient? (No animals were harmed in the manslaughter of Mr. Reyes.) It's true that the crimes were committed in separate states and tried before separate judges but comparison is inevitable. Both men are public figures. Both are African American from modest backgrounds. As star football players with big contracts, both are new to affluence. (Stallworth was driving a Bentley the morning of the accident.) Were they treated differently because of their celebrity?

In Michael Vick's case, his notoriety killed him. Any public figure seen torturing animals can expect few friends in the courts or the press. Even OJ's jury would have marched Vick to the gallows. His four co-defendants can serve their time and slink off into obscurity. Michael Vick's punishment is ongoing.

Stallworth will suffer none of the stigma that dogs (sorry!) Michael Vick. It says something about who we are that animals, (actually only domestic animals) hold a higher place in our emotional hierarchy than people. Even the most soulless of people can love a dog. It's just strange. If Michael Vick were guilty of cock-fighting he'd have done 30 days suspended. If Mario Reyes had been walking his chihuahua that morning in March, Dante Stallworth would be picking out curtains for the cell he would be occupying for the next year or two. The moral of the tale is unclear. However, if you're driving down the street and you've had a cocktail or two, if a choice arises, point the car at the creature with the fewest number of legs.

...or is America acting as though the only thing we have to fear is ...everything?

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OMG!

Ahmed Ghailani is in America. Hide the children! Lock up the women! Buy yourself a gun! No, two guns!

Who, might you ask, is Ahmed Ghailani? Is he Lex Luthor come to life? Perhaps the reincarnation of Vlad Dracul? Hannibal Lector in the flesh? To hear the timid John Boehner of Ohio tell it, Ghailani is swine flu and Y2K all stuffed into an orange jumpsuit.

Actually, Ahmed Ghailani is a terrorist suspect who has been transferred from Guantanamo to New York to stand trial for allegedly participating in the 1998 embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania. He stands accused of 286 counts (that's a lot of counts) of whatever you do to get charged 286 times. I'm guessing one count for each person killed or wounded in the explosions. To my knowledge, he was not transported in a straight jacket and a tricked-out hockey mask.

To watch some senators and congressmen quake, you would think that Mr. Ghailani planned each detail of the attacks personally as well as those of the U.S.S. Cole, the bombing of the Marine barracks in Lebanon in 1983 and the explosion of the U.S.S. Maine in San Juan Harbor in 1898. These fearless leaders are terrified that America's Judicial machinery and the U.S.Prison Systems will not be up to the task of incarcerating this guy. Apparently our lawmakers think that the jail cells that held John Gotti, Charlie Manson, Manuel Noriega and Phil Spector are not up to the superhuman powers of a 35 year old Tanzanian forger. Our brave congresspersons have apparently forgotten that four other terrorists, previously convicted in the same bombing are currently serving lengthy sentences in our inadequate prison in Florence,Colorado.


At what point did we become such a timid country? The mere suggestion that detainees from Guantanamo might be tried and released in America (an eventuality which has been suggested by no one with a job in government) sends our citizens running for cover. And exactly what would happen if Mr. Ghailani were to be freed on Main Street U.S.A.? Do we imagine that he would get a job bagging groceries at Giant, buy a gun and quietly plan for the overthrow of America? We already have plenty of home-grown nuts engaged in that pursuit. Perhaps he would buy a house in suburbia and infiltrate the PTA.


Holy gonads, people! We fought World War II. I'm guessing we are strong enough to put a few prisoners on trial. Just be careful who you elect to the presidency of your home town swim club. He might be an alumnus of the University of Guantanamo.



In a related story, another country, apparently one with more spine than we have, has volunteered to take several of the Guantanamo prisoners off our hands. But who? What country has the fortifications to handle these criminals? Is there a nation with the force of will to face down an enemy that has America quaking in its Doc Martins?



Yes, it's that well known fortress of solitude... Bermuda. The government in Hamilton has agreed to take four Chinese Uighurs who had been held without charge or trial by the Bush government for seven years. Bermuda joins the growing list of brave countries such as Albania and Palau that have agreed to take responsibility for America's mess. We should be so proud. We appear to the world as standing on a chair shrieking while middle eastern mice run under our feet. It's not hard to fathom why Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad aren't impressed with our threats. Maybe we should enlist the army of Palau?

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...and now for something completely different.

Chastity Bono, daughter of the late Sonny and Cher, (We suspect that Cher is actually dead. She just refuses to lie down.) has decided to undergo "gender reassignment". And we all thought Sonny was the nutty one! Mr. Bono the younger (the transmigration has already begun) will be called Chaz.

Although Mr. Bono has declined interviews (probably 'til his voice modulates) people close to his people assume that the decision was brought about by Chaz's inability to appreciate his mother's singing as long as he was a woman. One source suggested that "as a woman Chastity couldn't understand why anyone would pay to hear her mother sing. Apparently, the only way to enjoy Cher's voice is to become a gay man." Chastity was prepared to undergo gender reassignment ("what the hell I'm gay anyway!") in order to understand what others are experiencing. "Gay men hear something that I don't", said Mr./Ms. Bono. Chaz has decided that, even if after the procedure, Cher still sounds like an adenoidal aardvark the experience will still be beneficial. "I already like show tunes but I never got Judy Garland. Maybe owning gonads will help."

Insiders were unsure as to whether this surgery is more or less radical than some of the things that medical science has done to her mother. One thing is clear, the daughter Cher already has will become the son she always wanted. Who says there are no happy endings in Hollywood?

...or is being conflicted about abotion a reason to do something or a reason to do nothing?

Abortion in America is the ultimate hot button issue. If you are opposed to continued legalization you can, with some justification, claim the moral high ground. In your world, abortion is murder, its practitioners, murderers. The issue is black and white. Forget incest and rape. Every fetus is a person. You would like to see all clinics closed and, short of the shooting in Wichita last week, almost any action that achieves that end is justified.

For the other side, those who support the right to choose, the issue is less about morals than civil rights. The state has no right to decide what a woman can do with her own body. Within the vague but universally accepted boundaries of trimesters, women should be allowed to chose whether to carry their fetus to term. Using words like "viable" and even "baby" put the focus on the pregnancy rather than on the pregnant. Pro choice advocates would rather frame the argument as one involving emancipation. Women should be allowed to make any medical decision that directly affects them. That right of self-governance should not be infringed upon by any state law involving counseling, notification of parents or waiting periods.

As with most weighty issues in this country, the majority of us have opinions that fall somewhere in the middle. No one likes the idea of abortion. Euphemisms not withstanding, most Americans would be just as happy if the entire practice became unnecessary. If every pregnancy was a blessing and every child a gift the world would be a better place. Sadly, this is not the universe in which we live. The reason that many abortion opponents are silent is because many people are uncomfortable making decisions for others. Abortion isn't legal because it's popular. It's legal because many of us would rather leave the choices to the people involved.

Nevertheless, the shameful, unhelpful, irresponsible rabble-rousing taking place in the media needs to be addressed and seriously curtailed. For a huckster like Bill O'Reilly to deny any responsibility for the shooting death of Dr. George Tiller is tantamount to a bartender escaping blame for over-serving a customer who then kills with a car. Let's have no feigned shock and surprise that, having filled the airways with half-truths and invectives like Tiller the Killer, some misguided loser might think he was serving the greater good. Words have consequences. No one wants to censor Bill O'Reilly and his ilk but when your snide, smirky editorials result in a murder (and in a church, no less) decency demands that you own up to your role in the deed.

O'Reilly's portrayal of women having abortions as casual killers who would be inconvenienced by childbirth because it interfered with a hair appointment, is the worst kind of uninformed insincerity. Bill O'Reilly has less insight into the heart of a woman with an unwanted pregnancy than he has for a Zulu tribesman in Africa. His insensitivity is fueled entirely by a grab for ratings. Controversy is king. Moral outrage allows for hyperbole. His audience would view any hint of compassion as liberal backsliding. After all, we're red blooded American Christians. Who wants to listen to Oprah in white face?

Abortion is not a simple issue. It defies bumper-sticker sloganeering. The old saying was that a Republican was a Democrat with a job. Well, a Liberal is just a Conservative facing an unwanted pregnancy. Words like empathy and compassion may not play well on Fox News but they should be an integral part of the lexicon of any person who aspires to elective office. As for anyone with a microphone and an audience, go gently into that good night. Free speech is guaranteed in America but so is the pursuit of happiness. Go easy on people whose problems you were not invited to solve.

...or is stupidity showing itself to be recession-proof?

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Everybody's favorite rock-star reverend, Father Alberto Cutie, (nice name!) has decided to sow the seeds of faith in a different garden (No, not that garden!). The popular talk show host (he's not much in the Northeast but I hear he's big down under) has decided that when it comes to priestly vows: poverty is OK, obedience is fine, chastity...not so much. Having been photographed canoodling with his girlfriend on a beach, the Pastor of Disaster has moved his retail operation to a different spot on the Ecclesiastical Mall. Father Cutie will now ply his trade from an Episcopal pulpit. Episcopalians, it seams, are not as "religious" about loving your neighbor.

As for the Catholics, they have adopted a practical attitude., Secretly, they're just happy that Father Cutie's indiscretion didn't involve a little boy or a farm animal.
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Continuing in the same pew...it seems that Mel Gibson has discovered that the shoes of the fisherman can sometimes be a mite tight. Gibson, who hails from a long line of Catholic scolds, is demanding that the parishioners of his Church, Holy Family Chapel (no irony there) not judge him or question his morals. Apparently having produced and directed the cinematic bloodbath known as the Passion of the Christ, Mel feels entitled to a "get out of your marriage free" card. Catholics prohibit divorce and they take an even dimmer view of knocking up your new girlfriend.

Considering the gazzilion dollar settlement that Gibson's ex is expecting from the courts, Mel may wish to consider beginning preproduction for "Passion of the Christ II, The Resurrection".
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It's just possible that Viagra is actually named for a small town in Italy. If so, the village is most certainly the ancestral home of Silvio Berlusconi, current prime minister of Italy. Signor Berlusconi has had his picture in the news a great deal lately. He may not be easy to spot however, because the photos are also peopled with a gaggle of topless 18 year-olds. Apparently where marriage, fidelity and dirty old men are concerned, even Italians have limits. Who knew?Whatever rules of amore exist in Italy, Berlusconi has broken one.

Naturally, the source of the prurient details of Silvio's trysts is his soon-to-be-ex-wife. The Prime Minister laments that his wife is just trying to justify her long time affair with her bodyguard. Ah, love!

The bigger question is how can a country be dumb enough to elect a guy who can't keep his fly closed and who preys on women young enough to be his daughter? Oh, yeah! Sorry, Mr. Clinton.
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What do Arkansas, Indiana, Virginia and Nevada have in common? They are the four states that currently prohibit drivers from smiling for their license photos. Apparently smiling complicates the use of facial recognition software for criminal apprehension. It remains curious that, having spent unending hours at the mercy of the Department of Motor Vehicles, anyone would find anything to smile about.

The state of Wyoming has decided a change in the law was unnecessary. They will merely ask for compliance or, in the case of the former vice president...beg.
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Those crackerjack security personnel at The State Department have exposed yet another traitor to our country. The swift arrest of Walter Kendall Myers and his wife Gwendolyn proves yet again that our government watchdogs never sleep. The nefarious Mr. Myers who is 72 and his Mada Harri wife, 71, were captured after an espionage career of only...30 years. After three decades of smuggling secrets to Cuba, the State Dept finally pounced. What exactly were the Feds waiting for? The guy is retired, for Pete sake. The only thing he could furnish to his Cuban handlers now were early-bird menus from Denny's.

Myers had a longer career smuggling secrets than most people have careers. Wasn't anyone alerted when the Myers retirement party featured a Mariachi band and the gifts included a box of good cigars with no card?



Mr. Myers joins an expanding list of home-grown traitors who have made an impressive career of selling secrets to our enemies...and our friends. Robert Hanssen of the FBI sold secrets to the Soviets for 20 years before he was caught. Aldrich Ames, although a relative novice at nine years, held one of the most sensitive possible jobs at CIA. At one point Ames was in charge of the task force assigned to identify leaks. Who knew that being a secret agent came with a retirement plan?
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...or is the torture debate the new torture?

Promise!

No more stuff about the former VP... for a while!

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Local Bronx beauty, Sonia Sotomayor, is about to be confirmed as the 111th Justice of the Supreme Court. Considering all the Catholics on the Court these days (six with Sonia), "Confirmation" is taking on a whole new meaning. In that Justice Sotomayor replaces Justice David Souter, her addition to the bench will not alter the overall make-up of the Supremes. There will still be Anton Scalia and his Gang of Four holding down the hard right. Anthony Kennedy remains as the swinger.

The Republicans, powerless to stop Judge Sotomayor from ascending to the Brotherhood, are none-the-less at full-throated indignation. No one's dudgeon is higher than Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich. Mr. Gingrich, currently filling the leadership gap in the Republican Party, has called Ms. Sotomayor a racist. If the GOP definition of racist is any person who acknowledges that their racial or ethnic background is likely to shape their view of the world, Judge Sotomayor should plead guilty as charged. Judge Alito made just such an observation at his confirmation hearing and no one batted an eye. Perhaps Mr. Gingrich is concerned that old, white, East Coast-centric Christians are underrepresented on the Court.


Anyway, let's hope that the howlers in the GOP and their radio surrogates continue to rail against a Latina woman with impeccable credentials. I'm sure the Republicans feels they can win the next national election without Texas, Arizona, New Mexico and Florida. After all, they're still solid in Nebraska.


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As predicted, the horrific scandal involving the Catholic Church in Ireland and the Irish School System has already faded into the distance. Notice, not a single word from Rome. That tells you all you need to know about the Vicar of Christ and his pack of pedophile-enablers. The Catholic church is not interested in truth or in righting a terrible wrong. Their biggest problem this week is to try and minimize ticket sales for Ron Howard's Angels and Demons. Keep filling those collection plates, folks.

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Yes, I know we should take North Korea seriously. Nukes and missiles are a scary combination, especially in the hands of a crazy person. However every picture of Kim Jong Il that is published in the world press makes it almost impossible to be frightened. The guy looks like one of those dolls at a carnival you throw baseballs at to win a teddy bear. There should be a rule that you can't be an insane dictator with your finger on the button if you look like something created by Jim Henson from an old sock and the cotton from an aspirin bottle.

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And as long as we are solving the world's issues: Good luck trying to get Americans to care about the rebellion in Sri Lanka or the political trial in Burma.

While it's true that the rebels in Sri Lanka had a cool name, Tamil Tigers, you would be hard pressed to find anyone short of the Assistant Undersecretary of State for South Asian Affairs who has any idea what the fighting was about. Apparently, the citizens of the northeast of the country wished to create an independent state. After twenty years of fighting, during which time the Tigers appeared to be winning, they lost a close one. If you need more, start reading the Sunday Times.

In Burma/Myanmar (honestly, how am I supposed to care about a country that can't decide what to call itself?) there is a trial in progress. The defendant Aung San Suu Kyi, is charged with breaking the terms of her house arrest by allowing an unauthorized guest to stay at her home. Ms. Suu Kyi has been confined inside her house by the ruling junta for the crime of having beaten them in an election in 1990. The generals clearly had over-estimated their popularity. Anyway the guest, a whack-job named John Yettaw from Missouri claims to have had a vision (don't they all) that Suu Kyi's life was in danger. He swam across a lake to her house using homemade fins. Thanks to his efforts Suu Kyi faces six years in prison...real prison. Ms. Suu Kyi's defense is that she thought Mr. Yattaw was selling Avon products and didn't want to appear rude.

Now, you're all caught up on world affairs. Don't try to thank me.
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Thoughts to ponder:

Why, after a train-load of tax violations, local and federal, is Marion Barry not in jail?

Why, in spite of all the evidence piling up around his little body, is Roland Burris still in the Senate?

How does America, after refusing to allow Guantanamo detainees to be relocated to U.S. prisons, have the nerve to suggest to European countries that they take a few each?

Talk among yourselves!

...or should Dick Cheney have his own reality show?

Really! If the "main stream media", otherwise known as EBF (Everybody But Fox) was as liberal as the right-wing radio airbags claim, one of them would be creating a pilot for a fall show featuring the former Vice President. It could run behind "I'm a Celebrity. Get Me Out of Here". The concept plays right into the hands of the liberals. As long as Cheney keeps talking, the Democrats will never have to worry about losing another election...ever. Thanks to the ex-VP the GOP will be able to hold it's next convention in the conference room at the Topeka, Kansas Best Western. Consider that in 1992, the year Bill Clinton rode to town, 47% of voters 18 to 29 said they were Republicans. In 2009 that number is 33%. Can these guys throw a party or what?


Every time Cheney opens his sneering mouth, thousands of moderate voters run screaming for the exits. The man virtually oozes smugness. His message is simply a cynical effort to twist the facts and justify his illegal actions during his tenure as de facto President. Lord deliver us from Dick Cheney's protection.


If you're looking for enlightenment in the Republican dialogue, consider Colin Powell, the man Dick Cheney is determined to ostracize from the Party by any means necessary. Apparently, the General committed the ultimate sin by endorsing Barak Obama for President. Rush Limbaugh, the other turd in the Republican punchbowl, called that endorsement purely racial. For the Cheney-Limbaugh tandem to impugned the motives of Colin Powell is laughable. Between the two of them, they have exactly zero days of service to this country.


As the Republicans scurry about attempting to determine who they are, or who they want to be, Cheney and Powell offer a stark contrast both of vision and style. Powell was a lifelong independent. (It doesn't help your military career to be overtly political.) He joined the Republicans in 1995. (Apparently he didn't realize he was black until 2008.) He became the assumptive Secretary of State for George W. Bush in the 2000 campaign although Bush never actually asked him to join the team. None of Bush's gang of handlers liked Powell. He was too difficult to control (read: too honest) Nevertheless it was common knowledge that George W's resume was a touch light on world affairs (he couldn't find Montreal with Mapquest) and the General added some badly needed gravitas.


Powell served the puppet-masters in the Bush White House for four years without once complaining. They sent him to the UN prior to the Iraq invasion to shamefully mislead the world about what we knew. Powell never moaned or broke ranks. He played the good soldier until after the 2004 election in spite of the dismissive treatment he received. Had he spoken up about the lies and treachery of the first Bush term prior to the election, John Kerry might well have been elected President. That, however, was not in Colin Powell's code. In short, Colin Powell's career has been about honor, service and loyalty. The Republicans could do a lot worse.


Then we have Dick Cheney, the Snidely Whiplash of American politics. Too busy to serve in the military, Cheney spent his entire career fighting America's wars from various desks in the Capital. He has been: Chief of Staff (Ford), Representative from Wyoming (Reagan), Secretary of Defense (Bush I) and, of course, Vice President (Bush II). Most of Cheney's time in Washington was unremarkable. As VP however, he became Machiavelli and Rasputin all in one. His deceit and maneuverings as VP, (WMD, Valerie Plame, Enhanced Interrogation) are legend. Tired of being a bridesmaid, Cheney decided that Vice President was close enough to absolute power considering that GWB was such a light weight. His scorched earth Vice Presidency made a mockery of the Constitution and the idea of exporting our values into a punchline.


Given a choice, which of these men appears to exemplify the traits we look for in leaders? Powell has yet to break faith with an administration that excluded him from everything but photo-ops. Cheney ran for Vice President on a bigoted platform opposing homosexual relationships while his lesbian daughter was conceiving her first child. Hypocrisy, anyone?


Granted it's difficult to smell a rose in a field of manure but even the social conservatives must notice that Powell's Republican Party appears more palatable. Debates about guns, abortion and marriage are healthy and demand more than bumper stickers. Be opposed to the closing of Guantanamo for reasons that make sense, not because you heard that Obama wants to free the detainees and relocate them in Austin. Try substance instead of sloganeering. And please God, get Karl Rove the hell out of the party.


But hey, don't listen to me. Nominate the ticket of Palin and Joe the Plumber in 2012. Let Rush, Michael Savage and Glen Beck tell you how to think. Let the Christian Right set your agenda. Just get used to hearing, "Will the Democratic nominee step forward to be sworn in?"

...or should we get the Irish Christian Brothers to run our advanced interrogation techniques?

All those surprised to learn that the Catholic Church in Ireland was running a Dickensian education system, show me your palms so I can whack them with a ruler. Seriously, even Dickens didn't depict Oliver Twist as being sexually abused.

A 2,600 page report released by The Commission to Inquire into Child Abuse has finally brought to light one of the most egregious conspiracies ever designed. The Irish Department of Education and the Catholic Church in Ireland formed an unholy alliance in the 30's to "educate" troubled, delinquent and orphaned children. From 1930 to 1990 the children confined in these institutions were systematically abused both sexually and emotionally. The statistical information is shattering. More than 200 facilities were involved. 800 clergy (priests, brothers and nuns) and lay personal have been implicated. Over 1,700 victims have given testimony regarding the deplorable treatment received at the hands of those entrusted with their care.

No one educated by Catholic religious orders in America is a stranger to corporal punishment. In the Archdiocese of New York, the Irish Christian Brothers were legendary among high school students as disciplinarians. However, a crack on the back of the head for horsing around in class is a far cry from the sort of continuous, brutal treatment visited upon the kids in Ireland.

As usual, those honorable souls in the Vatican are running for cover. Having suborned and protected abusers for fifty years in America, the bishops in Rome are well practiced in covering their collective flanks. No doubt this recent revelation will all be passed off as ancient history. The Church will issue a press release condemning the sins of the past and congratulating themselves for closing the offending institutions...75 years too late. Rev. Vincent Nichols, head of Catholics in England and Wales, has publicly raised the clueless quotient to new heights by proclaiming, "The clergy who admitted abusing children are courageous for facing up to their past." Makes you believe that chutzpah is really Latin for "cleric".

For as heinous as these revelations are, the Church in Ireland is still up to its roman collar in a cover-up. According to an agreement signed by the investigating Commission and the Irish Christian Brothers, the Commission is prohibited from releasing the names of any of the offenders. Excuse me but these aren't misdemeanors here. These are predator felonies. Being dead is no protection from justice. The thousands of former students/inmates deserve closure. The fact that anyone in authority in Ireland is making deals with the very conspirators being investigated is beneath contempt.

The Commission's report uses the word "endemic" to describe the pattern of abuse. Although the Christian Brothers were the biggest offenders, it is clear that the entire system was replete with abusers. The Government in Dublin was only too happy to let the Church handle their troubled youth issues. If a few kids were raped or emotionally scarred, well it serves them right for being confined in the first place. The report by the Commission sounded almost relieved to reveal that the rape cases were mostly among the boys. I guess we are to be mollified that the girls were only slapped around and humiliated.

This story will be in the headlines for a week or so but it will never garner the indignation it deserves. The Catholic Church has lied, obfuscated, stone-walled and minimized its responsibility in abuse cases since the subject surfaced in America about ten years ago. Since then, Cardinal Bernard Law, the world's best known pedophile enabler, is still wearing his red cardinal's dress and still working in Rome. The American Council of Bishops has yet to initiate a single reform or speak publicly on systematic child abuse unless it is to respond to a specific charge. They wouldn't respond if the request came in an envelope from Fatima.


As an organization whose first responsibility is to its flock, the Church in Rome has responded to this cancer as if they were the Mafia, where omerta still rules. Rather than confront their demons, the Vatican has attempted to protect its reputation and treasure with meaningless apologies and misdirection. If Jesus were alive, he would sue to have his likeness removed from every Catholic Church. Even the Almighty has a gag reflex.

...or is climate change happening most rapidly in Rush Limbaugh's pants?

There's an old Monty Python routine in which a man pays to have an argument. Each time the customer says something the man at the desk says "no it's not" or "no you didn't". The customer feels cheated. He claims that an argument is a "series of statements to establish a point" not "the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says". Welcome to Republican politics circa 2009. The "Party of Ideas" appears reduced to one...President Obama (may his drives forever find the fairway) is wrong.

This contradiction opposition was again in evidence this week. In a tragic effort to somehow halt the Obama juggernaut, the GOP's brightest lights were in full-throated response regarding the President's initiative on climate change. Seemingly oblivious to the mood of the country, Republican members of the House and Senate appear determined to make almost laughable statements to Congress and the media. In the process, these distinguished members reinforced the notion that 1) they are none of them rocket scientists and, 2) dumb is as dumb does.

Attempting to prove that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas announced that "CO2 can't be harmful. It's in your Dr. Pepper". Well, who could argue with that kind of science? He further stated that "no one ever checked into a hospital suffering from CO2 poisoning." Pointing out to Mr. Barton that bananas contain potassium which is good in moderation but deadly in excess, would be a waste of CO2. Presumably, Rep. Barton feels that nuclear fission is great provided you have the right bait.

Joining the chorus is everybody's favorite mixed-race Representative from Ohio, John Boehner. Rep. Boehner opined that "the idea that carbon dioxide is a carcinogen..is laughable". Agreed. However, no one in science ever suggested that CO2 causes cancer... except Mr. Boehner (The color of Rep. Boehner's skin suggests that he may soon discover a real carcinogen...tanning beds.)

In another statement of scientific fancy, John Shimkus (R-Ill) warned that reducing the carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere might deprive plants of needed food. (Picture, if you will, Mr. Shimkus administering mouth-to-leaf to his starving rhododendron.) Seriously, no one expects our elected officials to be scientists. What we do expect is that they try not to pontificate on issues that are out of their scope of expertise. Pronouncements like these just make Congresspeople look foolish/more foolish. Welcome to "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader Congressional Edition".

Climate change isn't settled science in the same way as evolution. (Memo to Mike Huckabee:This is not a "controversy". Neither is the earth's orbit around the sun.) It does, however, have an impressive body of evidence to suggest that the temperature of the earth is being adversely effected by human action. Will someone please explain to me and the Republicans where the downside to Obama's plan resides? Even without the threat of climate change, why is it a bad thing to build more fuel efficient cars? Even if we are not harming the planet, wouldn't less pollution be a good thing? Even if India and China don't sign on right away, shouldn't America lead the movement to do the right thing? From a nationalistic prospective, wouldn't it be great to tell those Arab sheiks where to stuff their oil?

Sadly, the GOP is so mired in shooting spitballs at Nancy Pelosi, they can't craft a credible response to any administration initiatives. Michael Steele (and it really must suck to be Michael Steele) has proclaimed that the days of apologizing for Republican mistakes of the past is over. Great! However if your idea of looking forward is to vote to rebrand the Democrats as the Democratic Socialists, no one will, or should, take you seriously.

The Republicans must do more than automatically nay-say everything the other party says. If not, the next Python sketch they emulate will be the dead parrot.

...could Michael Vick get a job with World Wrestling Entertainment?

There once was an athlete named Vick.
For whom football was never a trick.
But while helping his peeps
Even though they were creeps.
He stepped squarely onto his dick.

Attend the tale of Michael Vick. Rarely has a person with so much ability managed to flush his life down the crapper with such totality. (insert Mike Tyson) Seriously, could he have chosen a more heinous crime in the eyes of Americans? O.J. killed two human beings and a jury let him walk. Vick's peers weren't going to make that mistake. He was going to jail even if the jury were Klingons. Perhaps, if Vick can demonstrate either true remorse or exceptional football skill and, if some team owner is crazy enough to give him a shot, he might return to the game that made him rich and famous. Possible but unlikely.

As with most bizarre crimes, the public response says as much about us as it does the criminal. Martha Stewart did a little time for shading the truth about her investments and returned to being America's most annoying homemaker practically overnight. Michael Milken served two years for insider trading (actually a 98 count indictment) and is now the face of philanthropy.(I believe the first thing he gave away was his hair.) Robert Blake killed his wife (probably). Phil Spector killed his girlfriend (definitely) Then, of course, there's the Juice. None of these offenders could expect the level of contempt likely to accompany Michael Vick should he return to a public life.

O.J. was actually a minor celebrity right up to the moment he invaded the hotel room of some low-life in Vegas. Thankfully, there is no statue of limitations on stupid.

It's difficult to imagine a crime against any human (except children) that could have earned Michael Vick more enmity among the citizens of this country. So let me see if I understand, torturing dogs for sport is a serious crime. Torturing people to support megalomaniacal desire to wage war is praiseworthy. Please don't misunderstand, I like dogs too but dogs, like cows and chickens, are animals. I'm not suggesting that we permit felons like Michael Vick to go unpunished, only that we accord human beings the same level of dignity that we grant Lassie. (Presumably, if Vick had explained he was only trying to get the dogs to tell him about the next attack, he'd be a free man today.)

This is not either/or. Both crimes should be treated as crimes. Many people recommended mitigation in the Vick case because, they said, dog fighting was more culturally acceptable in the black community. That's racist crap but beside the point. Dick Cheney claims that he was saving America. Also crap. Also beside the point. Haul the son of a bitch into court and let him explain why a potential war with Iraq was worth shredding the Constitution. He might make a case for mitigation but not exoneration.

No one should want to see Michael Vick wear a football jersey any time soon. He should be barred from the game for the same reason that Pete Rose and Mark McGuire aren't in the Hall of Fame. Sports isn't just a job it's a contract with the fans. You have to be more than an exceptional player. You must also be a passable human being. The higher you rise in adulation, the higher the expectation of your character. Even Charles Barkley has to keep his demons under control.

Americans want to feel that their elected leaders meet those same high standards. Bill Clinton destroyed any chance of being considered a great man when he chose to play up-skirt with an intern. If the Bush Administration is so proud of its record, they should stop hiding behind executive privilege and come clean. Michael Vick's cell will be available shortly. We are a pretty forgiving country...unless you kill dogs.

... or is crime OK so long as we clear it with Nancy Pelosi?

Isitjust me is nothing if not a big tent. Well, maybe a big vomitorium but the issue is that all viewpoints are subject to equal scrutiny...except for Saint Barack, may the sun always shine on his jumpshot.

Therefore, with an eye toward fairness, we will now examine the case of yet another air-headed Miss California, Nancy Pelosi; what did she know and when.


First, Nancy is a politician, which tells you all you need to know about her concept of veracity. She has none. Ms. Pelosi has been a Congresswoman since 1987 and you don't get to spend 22 years in office without learning what to remember and what to forget. Basically, you remember all the stuff you did that worked out well (taking credit at every opportunity), and you forget all the things that ultimately went south. Phrases like "I was sick that day" or "I can't recall every detail" have served elected officials well since the invention of fire (first used to burn the notes from ill-advised meetings).

If Speaker Pelosi were exposed to the "enhanced interrogation techniques" made popular by D. Cheney and his squadron of ass-hats, she would probably remember it like this: "The country had just been attacked. The CIA wanted to round up every character who could even spell Al Qaeda and squeeze them 'til they told us where and when the next attack was coming. The Bush administration was convinced that Iraq was involved. Congress, specifically the intelligence oversight committees and the leadership, were told that questioning would involve more than harsh language and dessert deprivation. Congress was assured that 1) to object would cost thousands of lives and, 2) what they were proposing was shady but mostly legal."



"Not willing to take an unpopular stand, I accepted what I was being told. Waterboarding might have been discussed, I really don't remember. I do remember thinking that if I oppose this action and there is another attack, I couldn't get elected to my grandson's little league board. I made the easy choice and now I'm stuck with it."


None of this changes the larger issue. The government of George W. Bush acted illegally when it tortured detainees. Whether Nancy Pelosi or Bill Clinton or Ted Kennedy or Jesus Christ knew about it changes nothing. Nancy Pelosi does not have the power to absolve the Bush administration. She cannot negate the Constitution or the Geneva Convention. Telling the House Minority Leader (the post Pelosi held from 2003 to 2007) that you are about to commit a crime doesn't make the crime OK. It makes her complicit and subject to whatever penalties are due.

However, if no one plans to charge the actual criminals, it would seem disproportionate to charge any co-conspirators. Madame Speaker would certainly not be the first official to approach the block. She would be lined up behind Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz, David Addington, John Yoo, Donald Rumsfeld and a host of others including, of course, George the Lesser.


In Nancy's defense...she has no defense. She needs to stop dancing and tell the truth. Her only course of action is to admit that she probably would have authorized dropping Arabs from a helicopter if it prevented another 9/11. It might not look like the right thing to do by today's standards but, if you weren't there, you can't judge.

What the hell. This approach appears to be working for Dick Cheney.

...or is America suffering from a tragic proliferation of microphones?

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Tell the truth, you are all delighted that Miss California, Carrie Prejean, has been anointed by God to continue the fight for opposite marriage. (Who knew that the Almighty had a terrible blond comb-over and a pink tie?) Yes America, billionaire ass-hat Donald Trump has descended from on high to support Miss Prejean in her hour of need. (Based on some of her photo arrays, some support was clearly in order.)


Ms. Prejean's rise to fame began as a punchline. Interviewed during the "intelligence" portion of the Miss USA pageant (newest definition of oxymoron) about her views on gay marriage, Ms. Prejean stumbled through a defense of America's right to chose, ignoring the fact that she represents a state that prohibits such a choice. Her last comment, before her ability to form complete sentences dissolved into tapioca, was that she thinks marriage should be between a man and a woman. "That's how I was raised". (It was later learned that Ms. Prejean was not, in fact, raised but was assembled from spare parts.)



As we all know, opinions are like nipples, everyone has a few (even if both your opinions and your nipples were acquired at a Nebraska garage sale). Ms. Prejean however, has taken things one step further. She now claims that God was in her head telling her what to say. WOW! At least God picked a place where he had plenty of room to stretch out. Still, you would think God could speak without making a hash of the English language. I know it's not his native tongue but I've heard better syntax from George W. Bush.



Anyway God and Donald Trump have spoken. God may be all powerful but only Donald can allow you to retain your tiara. We can now look forward to endless press conferences and interviews with Ms. Prejean as she attempts to put her bigotry to good use. She has become a spokesperson for the "Heteros Opposed to Marriage for non Opposites" or HOMO. Here's hoping that any public appearances in Silicon Valley won't make her self-conscious.



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And on the subject of people we didn't need to hear from, the offspring of politicians are proving that it's better to keep silent and have people think you're stupid than to open your mouth and prove it. Liz Cheney the (straight) daughter of the Snidely Whiplash of American politics and, Meghan McCain, first child (second marriage) of Grandpa John are all over the news. Most of the comments from these C-list celebs are defensive: Liz defending her father, Meg defending her dress size. Sympathy leans toward Lizzie here. After all Meg isn't stuck with her weight.



Either way, these wannabes make us appreciate the days of Julie Nixon and David Eisenhower. Both resisted the temptation to publicly defend Dad or take a position on any topic in the public domain. (Factoid: Julie and her husband were public supporters of Barack Obama.) Even Chelsea Clinton only went public to help her mother. This idea of trotting out the children of elected officials should have died with Ronald Reagan. No one was going to top that schmorgasbord.



The innermost thoughts of famous kids should be of no more interest than the musings of Bill Clinton's tailor or Gerald Ford's high school football coach.The inclination to listen to any theories, observations or pronouncements put forth by the children of public officials can lead to disastrous consequences. After all, the last time we paid any attention to the scion of a politician we ended up electing him President. Remember how that worked out?

…or should America stop torturing itself over torture?

Torture is illegal.
Torture is occasionally necessary.
Torture is OK because is works.
Torture is unreliable.
Waterboarding is torture.
Waterboarding isn’t torture.

We should prosecute torturers.
We should prosecute the lawyers who authorized torture.
We should prosecute their bosses.
Prosecuting previous administrations sets a troublesome precedent.

Forget the past. Look to the future. (Easy for John McCain. At his age he can't remember the name of his first wife.)

Dick Cheney is a patriot.
Dick Cheney is a war criminal.

Dick Cheney is a megalomanical ass hat. (This isn't actually part of the debate. I just like saying it.)

Jeez!

All of you who wish this entire issue would disappear, signify by raising your hands. Put your hand down, Barack. You don't get off that easy.

After you have discounted the righteous indignation of the liberal left, the stupidity and misdirection of the radio right, and the stupefying arrogance of the previous administration, you are left with a few troubling facts:

There is no doubt that America tortured suspected enemies over the last six years to determine what evil, if anything, was being planned as a follow-up to 9-11. Parsing definitions and creating euphemisms like "enhanced interrogation techniques" misses the point. If we think you have information, we are going to hurt you until you tell us what you know.

After World War II, the United States and its Allies prosecuted 5,600 Japanese military and civilian officials for war crimes including, specifically, waterboarding. This was not a gray area then and it's not a gray area now.

The attacks of Sept. 11, 2001 were a stunning national shock. Not knowing what might be coming next, the Bush Administration was determined not to let niceties like the Geneva Convention prevent them from protecting America, "by whatever means necessary."



Because Barack Omaba was not in charge when the towers fell, he is slow to criticise the response of those who were. I suspect it takes about twenty minutes in the Oval Office before you realize that sometimes you have bad choices and worse choices. President Obama would do well to replace the slogan, "The Buck Stops Here" with "Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged."



There should, however, be a statute of limitations on bad choices. The Presidential sins of 2001 and 2002 should not be continued out into 2007. The fig-leaf memos written by the White House Counselors to CYA the CIA were circulated in 2004. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was waterboarded 183 times. Whatever understandable grace period the Bush Administration can point to should probably not stretch for seven years. Lincoln, Grant, and FDR all violated the Constitution by suspending habeas corpus--but not indefinitely.



At the end of the day, it is extremely unlikely that anyone will serve time for the treatment of detainees at Gitmo or Abu Ghraib (except for a few scape-goated soldiers like Lynndie England). Like the situation with OJ, we may have to live with justice denied. If we come away with a renewed sense of right and wrong, the case of America vs. Detainees may not be a total waste. It may be possible to believe that, while disinclined to admit mistakes and apologize, Americans might feel just a little sheepish about defending the actions of our former administration. Many said so when they pulled a lever for Barack Omaba.

...or do you have trouble deciding how you feel about indecision?

Isitjustme has been resting for the last few months. After all, with the pestilence of GWB no longer upon us (seriously, doesn't food taste better these days?) and with the country in the hands of Saint Barak (may his children be fruitful and multiply) there isn't much to get excited about. Nevertheless, the world turns and there are still some issues that occasionally escape our notice. To wit:

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Our friends at the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are back in the news. In case you forgot, this is the the happy band of God-squaders who clothe their women in little house on the prairie dresses and shop for wives at Hanna Montana concerts. Last year the Texas Attorney General paid a visit to the sect's compound and bused the children to a safer spot. It seems that there are some Christian practices even Texans find intolerable...and they play with rattlesnakes. The police couldn't tell the wives from the children without a score card.

Anyway, noticeably absent from the photo orgy that followed the raid were the men. It turns out that they were busy hiding the evidence of eccentric matrimonial practices. However, 10 of the groups patriarchs are about to stand trial for molesting children, polygamy, and dressing their women like the road company of Paint Your Wagon. You gotta love organized religion.

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Can I possibly be the only person in America who never wants to see another photo of the lady who got the face transplant? My heart goes out to Connie Culp who was shot in the face by her husband (who is serving a mere seven years in prison. Maybe they should have used his face for the transplant). I'm happy that she can eat real food and that her sense of smell is restored. I hope with all my heart that she gets to live something like a normal life. That doesn't mean that I want to see pictures... including the ones of her leaving the Dick Cheney Memorial Hospital for People Shot in the Face.
Some things were not meant to be photographed. Childbirth, Rush Limbaugh naked, Joan Rivers without make-up, Charles Barkley's golf swing all come to mind. Please, let's go back to showing hideous car wrecks and pictures of Britany Spears being arrested.

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Government in action. The Delaware Department of Transportation recently issued a pamphlet on racial sensitivity. Not content to encourage common sense as a behavioral guide, the DDOT felt it necessary to include specific guidelines. The document suggests that, in order to avoid giving offense, employees should be discouraged from asking Latino co-workers for help with their landscaping. Other comments to steer clear of include: inquiring of gay employees if they have ever thought of getting help and, that old stand-by, don't offer fried chicken and watermelon to blacks. Curiously absent from the suggestions were: refrain from asking Jewish co-workers for help with your taxes and soliciting laundry advise from those of Asian decent. File this under "you can't make this stuff up".

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Considering the dire pronouncements issued by the CDC, World Health Organization, US Dept. of Health and everyone else on the planet with a medical degree and a microphone, we can suppose that swine flu/N1H1 virus posed a real threat. Oddly enough, the threat appears to have been visited mostly on the swine population. Egypt killed thousands of pigs in their country. Russia and China banned the import of pork products and in a largely symbolic gesture, Afghanistan placed its only pig under house arrest. Apparently the fact that the flu has nothing whatever to do with "swine" was of little import to many of the governments of the earth. Thankfully the disease wasn't called the Bunny Rabbit virus. Easter would have been a blood bath.

There is an inclination to say that swine-flu was much-a-do about nothing. Tell that to the thousands of Mexicans that live off the tourist trade in completely unaffected cities like Puerto Villarta and Playa del Carmen. Still, as plagues go, N1H1 was something of a dud. Calling a global health emergency a pandemic is like calling our current economic circumstance a depression. Gently with the scary titles, people. The Pandemic of 1918 killed millions. The Great Depression had 30% of Americans out of work. Nomenclature matters, especially if you want to be taken seriously next time.

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That great humanitarian, Hank Steinbrenner, has graciously consented to reduce the price of Yankee Stadium's premium seats from $2,500 to $1,250. What a guy! Somebody tell me why there isn't a statue of Hank next to Mother Theresa somewhere? I mean the largess of cutting your price in half is right out of It's a Wonderful Life.

Think about it. Now, that New York City father struggling to pay the mortgage, feed the family and put a little money away for educations can take his family of four to a Yankee game for a paltry ten grand. It's practically socialism. Forget a year at Princeton. Spring for that four-game series with the Red Sox. For the real fan willing to make a few sacrifices like cancelling HBO or trading down to domestic beer, the family can attend every game while saving almost half a million. In these trying times every bit helps.

So lets hear it for Hank Steinbrenner. Just because he got dopey Rudy Giuliani to practically build the stadium for him (the city paid half the construction plus allowed the team to keep 96% of the ticket revenue, all the parking and they pay no property tax) didn't stop the Yankee's boss from extending a helping hand to those in need. As an additional gesture of good will, the section behind home plate is to be renamed in honor of another great American, Bernie Madoff.