...or might George Washington's family have objected to his monument as too phallic?

The city of Washington, famed the world over for its ability to turn a square into a parallelepiped still manages to get one thing right...all the time: the architecture. Washington is beautiful. Designer Pierre L'Enfant along with Thomas Jefferson and Washington himself laid out a grand plan which has only become more elegant and regal with time. From the Capitol building at the east end of the National Mall to the new United States Institute of Peace; building, height, architecture and suitability have always trumped fashion and whim. (It can't be an accident that the Institute of Peace is as far from the Congress as it's possible to get.) Every new monument and memorial is chosen with great care and deliberation. The city honors very few politicians or statesmen. Of the 44 Presidents thus far elected, only a handful have monuments in D.C. (Some like Woodrow Wilson have a bridge but it wasn't built for him. Reagan has an airport and a building. I have no idea why.) There is, only now, a monument planned for John Adams. Apparently a best-selling book and an HBO special can work wonders.

As you might expect, each attempt to memorialize a famous person or event carries its own challenges. The Vietnam Memorial, near the Lincoln Memorial, was highly controversial. Currently considered one of the most evocative structures in the entire Capital, Vietnam was roundly condemned when first proposed. Reagan's Secretary of State James Watt refused to issue the building permit. The newest major memorial, dedicated to America's casualties of World War II was lambasted in the Philadelphia Inquirer as "a design favored by Hitler and Mussolini". Everybody's a critic. Thankfully, because decisions are not made lightly or quickly, the National Capital Planning Commission gets it right almost all the time.

Monuments and statues are not erected in every available square inch of open space. The ridiculous, out-sized adoration of Ronald W. Reagan notwithstanding, time is allowed to pass before the Capital builders and planners reach for their pencils and trowels. (Geez, Reagan wasn't even dead in 1998 when Clinton authorized the airport name change.) This brings us to the planning for the Dwight D. Eisenhower Memorial. Congress approved the formation of a committee to design a suitable tribute and decide where to put it. That happened in 1999. (I told you this stuff takes time.) The committee set to work and immediately got into trouble. (Well, almost immediately.) They chose a site in 2005 and hired Frank Gehry in 2009 to design the monument. If you have been to Chicago (Millennium Park), Bilbao, Spain (Guggenheim Museum) or Los Angeles (The Walt Disney Concert Hall) you have seen Gehry's incredible work. OK so maybe it looks like he gets a deal on curved aluminum sheeting but so what.

Anyway Gehry designs the monument. Planned for a four acre site south of the Mall on Maryland and Independence near the Air and Space Museum, the memorial was to feature a series of large columns and framed steel tapestries detailing Ike's many accomplishments. The focus is Eisenhower's boyhood home in Kansas. There will also be a statue of a farm boy sitting on a plank. The design was unanimously approved by the Eisenhower Memorial Commission and the Architects of the Capital. Then the plans were presented to the Eisenhower family. The response was predictable

Decedents, like the Eisenhowers, see their ancestor as this Homeric figure mounted on a white charger vanquishing the enemy. They care nothing for aesthetics or, God forbid, art. No doubt the Eisenhower offspring envisioned their grandfather as crushing the Nazis and Japanese with one hand while signing the National Highway Act with the other. Where was the statue of Ike with his five stars? Where was the 34th President negotiating the truce in Korea? Where was the President who used the National Guard to desegregate Alabama schools? They wanted Abe Lincoln and they got Opie..

There is a reason that family members aren't involved in the design of monuments...they are a monumental pain in the ass. Anyone who watched the survivors of 9-11 preen and insinuate themselves throughout every phase of the memorial planning knows why blood and art don't mix. (Seriously, I know this is N.Y. heresy but on what planet should surviving spouses and siblings pass judgement on public architecture?) What we need from the relatives is to show up at the ribbon-cutting, say something profound and go home.

David Eisenhower, who actually was on the Commission for a time, quit when his vision wasn't being realized. Susan Eisenhower has been blogging non-stop regarding her objections. Naturally, it's bad form to attack a world famous designer like Gehry on artistic grounds so she has instead criticized such things as the cost of building materials and specific references in the text to Hitler, Mao and Stalin. Mr. Gehry, who needs this like he needs a second Medal of Freedom, was sanguine and, in fact, made a few changes. This has mollified the heirs a bit however they are still unhappy with the overall plan. At this rate the memorial will be completed just in time for the D-Day Centennial in 2044. City architects are being patient but they appear close to suggesting a replacement tribute to Warren Harding. He may have been a crook but at least most of his relatives are dead.

...or has the Vatican Council given way to the Vatican Counsel?

The headline should be "Catholic Bishops Discover the American Legal System". It's true. After two decades of acting as if the courts were some leper colony to be avoided at all costs, America's Catholic bishops have suddenly come to the realization that the Church can actually appear in front of a judge as something other than defendants. Having spent untold millions on legal fees and out of court settlements (money donated by good Catholics) the Church has decided that it can risk a few more pieces of silver to sue the Dept. of Health and Human Services. Specifically, the suit was filed by, among others, the University of Notre Dame, Catholic University and the Archdiocese of New York. (The fact that Cardinal Timothy Dolan is running for Pope played no part in this decision.)

The Church's position is that the HHS mandate that Catholic hospitals and schools provide employees with birth control and morning-after anti-pregnancy meds is somehow a violation of its right to practice its religion. In today's Washington Post, Cardinal Wuerl of Washington D.C. suggests that every church, school and hospital is an outward expression of faith and therefore equal in law. Were these institutions free-to-all, that argument might carry some weight. The fact that they are engaged in commerce clouds that picture. Nevertheless, this is America and the law allows for the fair hearing of grievances in front of a judge. Personally, I hope the RCC falls on its ass but what I think is of no consequence. (However it might be nice if the 95% of Catholics practicing birth control stopped acting soooo offended by the HHS and stood in opposition to bishops who have never missed a meal to feed a child.)

Of larger consequence is the galactic hypocrisy of a Church that, having avoided courts, lawyers and well, justice since its dirty little pedophiles started making news, is now marching into court with no hint of shame. Timothy Dolan couldn't find a courtroom with a map and a GPS device when the time came to prosecute priests for sex crimes with children. The bishops of Rome scurried like roaches when the lights of scandal came on. To this day in spite of tens of thousands of cases of child abuse not one priest has been marched into a precinct by a monsignor or bishop. The current case being tried in Philadelphia is a monument to church obfuscation and misdirection. Monsignor William Lynn, on trial for child endangerment after leaving known pedophiles in parish positions, has blamed everyone, including a dead cardinal, for the Church's neglect. Lynn is the only cleric to be hauled into court to face charges.

So now after twenty years of disgrace, denial and duplicity the Catholic Church has the unmitigated gall to use the legal system to make some obscure point about whether a hospital is a church. Far be it from me to suggest that Rome has decided the best defense is a good offense but check the facts. No archdiocese has sued any state to stop an execution even though the RCC is opposed to capital punishment. The Church hierarchy in Washington State has taken no legal action against that state's assisted suicide law. And we all thought Catholics took a dim view of assisted suicide. Face it. This suit against HHS is misdirection at its best. Timothy Dolan can appear righteously indignant for the NY media and piously defend his anti-birth control policies while never addressing the garbage cans under the piano. Pay no attention to that smell gentlemen. Instead focus your attention on those evil condoms. Seriously!

...or is the global village resulting in global bad behavior?

You can run but you can't hide:

If you have an aversion to crowds, stay away from Mt. Everest. A region formerly populated by only the most serious climbers is now chock-a-block with wannabees and so-called adventure tourists. The 220 deaths on the mountain since Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay made their historic climb in 1953 haven't deterred an army of "adventurers" with more money than sense. Fifty people reached the peak on Friday May 25 with an additional 100 waiting in line. Hold it a minute. Waiting line to reach the top of the world's highest peak? How crazy is that?

All of these climbers seem to have specialities: the first septuagenarian woman, the first blind person (when you meet him please ask him why; because it was there? How would he know?), the first person to ascend without oxygen. One Sherpa has made the accent 21 times. One can soon expect to read about: the first nudist, the first climber to go in the off-season (tougher climb but better rates) and the first person to tweet from the summit.

These climbers and their goofy goals have turned the base camps in Nepal (south base camp) and Tibet (north base camp) into a combination WalMart and landfill. At 5,000 ft. above sea level it requires several days of rest at these places in order to acclimatize, unless you are a Sherpa or a goat. (The primary difference seems to be the goats will climb the mountain at no charge.) As you might imagine, garbage pickup at that altitude is spotty. As a result the place is crammed with empty oxygen containers, Snickers wrappers and abandoned copies of the Mobil Guide to Fine Dining in Nepal/Tibet.

As experienced climbers like myself can tell you (Hey, I once climbed to the very top of Bunker Hill in Boston...without oxygen) climbing a mountain is tough but the return trip will get you killed. This peril is vastly increased by the traffic jam that has been created by all the would-be Hillarys. While you're waiting for your turn the weather can change from friggin' cold to really friggin' cold and your oxygen supply can give out. This is known in the climbing world as SOL or TFB. Either way there's a chance you will become part of the permanent exhibition to be oggled at by next year's crop of intrepid morons. Pretty soon the slope of Everest will look like the Hall of Statues in the Capital except these guys will be reclining.

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And on the subject of idiot tourism we now have too many people visiting the Titanic. That's right, the venerable wreck that remained comfortably undisturbed on the bottom of the Atlantic under 12,415 feet of water for 73 years is now the new "must see" destination. One pair of aqua-boneheads actually got married in a sub just above her decks. This wouldn't be such a problem except some treasure hunters are actually taking pieces home as souvenirs. That's like visiting King Tut's mummy and snicking off his pinkie for a necklace. I mean, would you visit the Great Wall with a chisel? No,wait, forget I asked.

Tourists, and by this I mean American tourists, can't just look at something special, take a picture and move on. They seem to require some tangible proof that they were at the site. I'd like to say that this started when the Berlin Wall came down but it's been going on a lot longer than that. The outer wall of the Tribune Tower in Chicago boasts a piece of the Vatican, the Great Wall, the Taj Mahal, the Alamo and Notre Dame Cathedral. Imagine if everyone helped themselves to a piece of history. The Great Pyramid would be a foundation; the Alamo would be a frozen custard stand and the Taj would be just another smelly town in Western India. You can no longer wander among the great stones of Stonehenge thanks to vandalism. People please...visit the site, take a picture, buy a tee shirt and then go home and bore your friends with tales of travel glory...if you must.

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And finally, a little closer to home we have the case of Mack Wolford. Reverend Mack was a Pentecostal pastor in West Virginia (all those surprised please raise your hands) who planned a good old-fashioned service for Sunday May 26 in an isolated state park. The Reverend envisioned lots of praying, speaking in tongues and, of course, snake handling. Tragically, he did not envision the surly temperament of the snake which bit him. The snake lived. Reverend Mack...not so much.

I know it's bad form to chuckle at the death of another human being and I'm sorry. But seriously, if you're going to handle snakes like they were puppies and then, having been bitten, refuse treatment, it's hard to be shocked and saddened. Wolford, in his defense, was only following the words of the Bible, specifically Mark 16: 17-18. The short version is that faith will save you from snake bites. The quote should probably be amended to read "Faith, and a good health plan, will..." It's not like this is the first time the serpent came out on top. Wolford's father was bitten and died in 1983. The quote that religious snake-handlers should read is from Forrest Gump 6:25-28 "...and the Lord said onto Forrest "Stupid is as stipid does". Amen and hallelujah.

...or should we all live by the motto that never does a man stand so tall than when he stoops to kick a friend?

Where are they now? Where are the flawed figures of the American experience who danced across the public stage, tripped over their metaphorical johnsons and limped into oblivion?

The question was prompted by an article in the Washington Post detailing the recent exploits of a woman whose lack of grace in public office was exceeded only by her complete disregard for the feelings of others. Perhaps you remember Kathleen Harris, former Secretary of State in Florida and disgraced candidate for Senator. It was Kathleen who certified the vote count for George W. Bush in Florida in 2000 despite the fact that only 537 votes separated the candidates. The fact that Ms. Harris was co-chair of the Bush For President effort in Florida clearly played no role in the decision.

Never one to shrink from public spectacle, Kathleen attempted to parlay her 15 minutes of fame into a run for the U.S. Senate. However, it turns out even the citizens of Florida aren't that senile. Her campaign was subtitled "Mr. Bean Runs For Office". Her staff quit, her chief sponsor was indicted and every newspaper and GOP politician in the state ran from her as though she were radioactive. She ultimately lost by a million votes.

Ms. Harris has resurfaced having had her face resurfaced. (OK, that's a cheap shot but this is a person who bought her cosmetics from Barnum and Bailey.) It seems that she and her husband, Swedish businessman Andeers Ebbison, are building a 23,000 sq ft eyesore just south of Sarasota. Proving once again that money buys neither happiness nor taste, the family Harris is receiving less than flattering notices for their Versailles on the Gulf. Although the chateau is seven times as large as the living quarters of the White House it is, after all, only twice as large as Mitt Romney's new beachfront digs in California.

People familiar with Harris' rough treatment of staff are holding a candlelight vigil for the workmen who will be forced to build the manse. More as the story develops.

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As long as we were strolling down memory lane, we thought we'd look in on our friend William Jefferson. Mr. Jefferson was the former Congressman from Louisiana who was unsuccessful at explaining to a federal judge how $75,000 in bribe money ended up next to the frozen peas in his freezer. On May 4th of this year Mr. Jefferson surrendered to the bureau of prisons in Beaumont, TX to begin serving his thirteen year sentence. Any latent feelings of pity for Dollar Bill Jefferson should be quickly ameliorated. Come Thanksgiving, Mr. Jefferson will be reunited with at least four of his friends and relatives all of whom have been convicted in related cases. Family is a beautiful thing.

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And what reunion would be complete without a quick check on our old friend Rev. Ted Haggard?

Ted is best remembered for being the anti-gay leader of the Council of Evangelicals who interpreted the scriptures to say "let the little children to come unto me...as long as they bring cocaine". Ted was a "hands-on" clergyman who was reluctant to condemn things he hadn't tried; so he tried everyone.

Reverend Ted is still a preacher in Colorado. His website includes a tell-all story from his wife Gayle called "Why I Stayed". The title is intriguing in that, having endured the indignity of her husband's outing as a drug-using, rent-boy renting degenerate, Gayle Haggard's ordeal was just beginning. In September of 2011 Mrs. Haggard was subjected to the ultimate shame of being "swapped" with the wife of Gary Busey on Celebrity Wife Swap. Take about grounds for divorce! Seriously, Gary Busey? Was Mickey Rourke's wife busy that weekend?

Nevertheless we wish Rev. Ted and his wife all the best. After all, what is Christianity if not forgiveness? For inspiration we turn to Luke 15 where it says" it is appropriate to be glad because your brother, once dead, is found...besides, he kills in the ratings".

...or do Virginia and France have a lot in common?

Virginia is a wonderful place to live. It has everything: temperate climate, vibrant cities, breathtaking vistas, proximity to the Nation's Capital and as much history as one could absorb in a lifetime. America started in Virginia (screw Boston). Four of our first five presidents were born here. Aside from the cuisine, which Virginia sadly retained from her British forebears, the place has everything. Unfortunately, Virginia, like France, is a victim of its indigenous population. In other words, Virginia would be paradise were it not for Virginians.

Don't take my word, look at the history:

Having spawned the ablest leader of its generation, Virginia chose sides poorly in the conflict of 1861 and forced Robert Edward Lee to play for the runner-up.

Virginia leads the country (and probably the world) in state-sponsored murder, known to you as court-ordered executions.

It was Virginia, attempting to justify its ban on interracial marriage, that prompted the Supreme Court to overthrow all such vestiges of Jim Crow (Loving v. Virginia).

Most recently, Virginia passed a law requiring an intrusive vaginal ultrasound for women seeking an abortion.

The state whose leaders gave the world a new meaning of freedom and self-government can never quite decide which end of the stick it wants to hold. Should Virginia be the state typified by the University of Virginia, a renowned seat of learning or by Liberty University, a renowned seat of reactionary intolerance? Does Virginia want to return to its place as the home of thought leaders or will it be content to be nothing but a gaggle of over-educated, Bible-thumping rednecks?

Yes, Virginia went for President Obama in 2008 but honestly, without the D.C. suburbs, most notably Fairfax County, Virginia is just Oklahoma with less dust and a lousier football team. That fact was vividly on display this week as the Virginia State Assembly finished up its housekeeping for the spring session. Among the docket items was the confirmation of three judges which required legislative approval. One appointee, C.L. "Clay" Athey is a proponent of carrying concealed weapons in public buildings. His approval was semi-automatic. Another appointee was Tracy Thorne-Begland whose public personae was a bit less "good ole boy". Mr. Thorne-Begland was a fighter pilot and Navy officer who challenged the Navy's ban on gay service more than twenty years ago. For his troubles, Mr. Thorne-Begland was honorably discharged...twice. He is currently a prosecutor in Richmond. Mr. Thorne-Begland was rejected by the Virginia House.

Naturally, everyone in Virginia who could see beyond their bigotry and Christian crapology thought Mr. Thorne-Begland would have made a fine judge. Even Governor Bob McDonald, hardly a rainbow activist, was dismayed at this blatant discrimination. (Bob apparently forgot his torpedoing of Verbena Askew, a lesbian judge from Newport News. Bob was a state assemblyman at the time. McDonald's quote in 2003 was "homosexuality raises questions about a person's qualification to be a judge". How quickly we forget.)

Predictably, Thorne-Begland's candidacy was opposed by the Family Foundation whose comments went along the lines of: ... inability to be objective... contrary to tradition..blah...Christian bullshit...blah, blah...right-wing bigotry...sleeping with goats...God's plan...guys kissing guys is icky...blah, blah. These people talk as if they were Amish. Why is progress in technology, science (not climate science, of course) medicine (except stem cells) and every other field of human endeavour acceptable but not progress in how we live together? What possible difference could it make to some baggy-pants legislator from Lynchburg how a judge in Richmond lives his life?

Memo to the Virginia Assembly: Your job is to pass laws and make decisions for the general well-being and prosperity of the residence of the Commonwealth. You were not elected to shove your bigoted religious beliefs up my nose. If I want someone to tell me how to live my life I'll call Dr. Phil. You are not in the Assembly to pass judgement on people who are different from you. We have Bill O'Reilly for that. And lastly, you are most certainly not in the Virginia Assembly to force women to have unnecessary, invasive, costly medical procedures. If your interest in the vagina is so all-consuming, become an OB-GYN. At least your probing will be by invitation.

...or will my Smartphone become self-aware before Newt Gingrich?

Things you don't need to care about and probably don't:

The French are holding an election for President. Because French politics is about as complicated as obtaining a Mexican drivers license (and about as interesting), we care only about the important stuff...like who has the hottest wife. Well, no contest here. Have you seen Carla Bruni, aka Mrs.Nicolas Sarcozy? She attracts a bigger crowd in Paris than the Louvre on "half price painting day". Mr. Sarcozy's opponent, Socialist Francois Hollande isn't even married. His "partner" for seventeen years was Segolene Royal who was defeated for President by Monsieur Sarcozy in 2007. (French politics is like an episode of Dallas without the big hair.) Hollande is currently chateau-ed -up with Valerie Trierweiler, a 47 year-old French journalist. Ms. Royal was 57, so an age upgrade there.

Unlike in the U.S., calling yourself a Socialist in France doesn't automatically consign you to laughing stock status on the debate stage. Should Mr. Hollande win (and he's looking good today) he will hardly be the first Socialist President of La Belle France. Think Francois Mitterrand who had the job for 14 years. Actually, Monsieur Hollande is a last minute replacement for New York's favorite hotel guest Dominique Strauss-Kahn. You may remember Mr. Strauss-Kahn as the gentleman who discovered a new way of expressing his appreciation to the chambermaids for good hotel service.

Anyway, if the Socialists win and the effort to roll back France's welfare state loses steam, France may wish to consider a rearmament of the Maginot Line. The Germans will be none too happy if their only real ally in the fight for European fiscal responsibility begins collaborating with the enemy. The Germans may feel the need to occupy Paris again; this time carrying briefcases.

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Because it's fashionable to complain about the customer service that American consumers receive today, allow me to interject my contrarian two-cents. In the last six months (I can't remember back much farther) I have dealt telephonically with service personal from at least 20+ companies. They range from retailers, insurance companies, the phone company (Verizon), internet providers and the electric co. Since most of the time we are calling to voice a complaint or at least correct a wrong, we are not often aware of the manner in which we are treated. I have discovered to my shock that the attention to service is amazingly high.

Seriously, every phone service person I speak to, Indian accents notwithstanding, is gracious, eager to help and surprising tolerant of my usually crappy attitude. I realize when I'm asked if "they have handled my problem" that the words are scripted but at least someone wrote a script and encouraged the service people to follow it. Even when my issue is beyond their competence, the phone people are solicitous and pleasant. There are a lot of ways to tell someone their request is unreasonable and customer service trainers appear to have hit most of them. I can tolerate being told I'm an asshole (God knows it happens often enough) as long as the revelation results in a resolution of the situation. So the next time you are forced to call Allstate about a claim or HP because your printer won't fax, pay attention to the way you are treated. It might be the least contentious conversation you have all day.

...or do we already know too much about you?

These are the times that try men's souls. A plague is loose upon the land. If left unchecked, it threatens to alter the very core of our being. From the time you awaken in the morning until you turn off the TV at night you will be affected by this scourge. It will influence how you interact with family, friends and co-workers. It could determine how much time you take to eat, shower and personally interact with others. It will consume your alone-time, especially the time you spend in the bathroom. That's right! I'm talking about the horror that is... over-posting on Facebook.

Oh, don't look so innocent. You know who you are. You post every homily, every aphorism, every cutsie saying or Youtube clip that informs your day. No event is too trivial; no meal or chance encounter too mundane to resist the need to tell the rest of us. Stuff that no rational person would consider transmitting via phone call, email or snail-mail, still makes its way into an endless series of "who cares" postings.

Having started out as a charming opportunity to share the occasional photo of your darling little (insert: dog, cat, goldfish, offspring or [shudder] grandchild) Facebook has blossomed into an internet obsession. Facebook posting has replaced smoking as something to do with your hands when nothing else is happening. We need rules, people! Here are a few humble suggestions:

1) Significance matters. If you dine at Le Cirque, tell us. If Wendy's forgot the mustard in your take-out order, keep it to yourself. If your dopey brother finally moved out of your mother's basement, share. If your son/daughter finished a Sudoku puzzle all by themselves, and it was just shy of their 35th birthday, hold that thought.

2) I'm guessing no one finds your family as interesting/beautiful as you do. Unless you are married to a Bundchen sister, one photo of any family member per month should be sufficient.

3) Words to live by, clever posters and great thoughts belong on bumper stickers not Facebook.

4) Sharing is caring. If we probably don't care...don't share.

In general, less is more. If you want your friends to read about your airport encounter with Tom Cruise, try not to post fifteen other notes about encounters with sales clerks, co-workers and a guy who looks like the guy on Good Morning America. Keep Facebook for cool stuff; you know, like blog announcements.

...or is Mitt Romney just Bob Dole with better hair?

Things that were happening while Rick Santorum was taken up in the Rapture:

Can anyone in America spell false equivalency? How about singing "one of these things is not like the other..."

Normally the all-time leader of the false equivalency tripefest is Fox News. In the world of Fox, there has never been a sin committed against poor people, black people, immigrants, women or any minority that doesn't immediately call to mind an equally heinous act perpetrated on a white, rich, native born, male. It usually sounds like "So how come the Left was silent when so-and-so did whatever." This is always followed by a condemnation of the media and its dark army of conspiratorial editors and producers. Lost of course, is the original story. Fox-o-philes never get tired of being told that all news (but theirs) is biased.

However, in the case of Miami Marlins Manager Ozzie Guillen it appears that all media have been bitten by the Fox bug. In an interview last weekend Ozzie, who was born in the Venezuela, was dumb enough to opine how he "loves and respects Fidel Castro". Think about that. Of all the towns in all the world to praise Fidel, Ozzie picks Miami. Cuban-Americans finish tied with Muslims every year for the Prickliest Ethnic Group Award. These people refuse to sleep on a Castro convertible sofa. They've been chilling the champagne for the "Fidel is Dead" celebration since 1959. Needless to say, Ozzie has since spent every waking moment backtracking. He has groveled to every Cuban from Marco Rubio to Tony Montana.

Actually, Ozzie has had a lot of practice apologizing. He is ever-so-slightly misogynistic, homophobic, racist and possessed of a vocabulary charitably described as colorful. Every other sentence is followed closely by an apology for offending some social or ethnic group. So why would image-conscious baseball tolerate such a loose cannon? Well, he took the Chicago White Sox to their first World Series victory in 100 years in 2005. Chicago's last championship occurred in the year Abe Lincoln threw out the ceremonial first pitch. His players love him and...his teams win. Think Billy Martin with a Spanish accent.

Circling back to false equivalency (you thought I forgot my point) the news outlets are alive with statements like "loving Castro in Miami is like loving Hitler in Crown Heights" (That's a Jewish neighborhood in New York. Try to keep up.) You might as well kiss a poster of Mao in Taipei. Both wrong. Hitler was Hitler. There are no equivalencies. Castro caused a lot of suffering in Cuba but on the evil meter he wouldn't even be in the top ten. Hitler is an evil mythology. Castro is just an old geezer who at 86 refuses to die.

Castro is still alive (as of this writing) and lots of people, including the baseball commissioner have visited Cuba and talked to him without turning to stone. Ozzie Guillen has also met him which explains his unfortunate compliment. Still, Ozzie's opinions are hardly significant. While it's true that no one can decide what offends someone else, I would humbly suggest that the Cuban American community get over it. The revolution was 53 years ago. You're Americans now. After all, it's not like Ozzie said he loved George Zimmerman.

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Tampa, FL officials have released a list of things that constitute a security threat during the Republican National Convention. Among the items not permitted on the convention floor: masks, pieces of string (I don't know why. Ask them.) and water pistols. Not on the list: firearms. In their infinite wisdom Florida legislators have prohibited local restrictions on gun possession. Is this a great country or what?

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A 46 year old hairdresser, Mickey Bolek, is attempting to fulfill his dream of becoming an Olympic figure skater, thereby combining for the first time, two well-worn stereotypes into one career.

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Rick Santorum abandoned his campaign to become mother superior to 300 million Americans when he announced that his effort to save us from ourselves was over. Santorum chose the Gettysburg Hotel as his Appomattox which was a fitting spot. Like the South, Rick was out-manned and out-financed. Santorum was also the victim of the worse beating in Pennsylvania since Bobby Lee got chased out in 1863. However, unlike the South, Santorum is destined to rise again, if not in 2016, then certainly in 2020. It will take that long for him to restock his supply of sackcloth and ashes.

...or does the ghost of Mike Nifong still haunt the precincts of our collective conscience?

What? You don't remember Mike Nifong? Too long ago?

OK, how about Dharum Ravi? Hell, his case went to the jury only last week.

Give up?

Mike Nifong was the Durham County, SC prosecutor who charged a group of Duke lacrosse players with forcible rape (is there another kind?) without bothering to determine if the alleged victims were telling the truth. The result was a national rush to judgement that, while not ruining three lives, at least put a turd in the graduation punchbowl. We were all ready to believe that a bunch of spoiled rich kids hired a couple of black dancers for a party and raped them. Were it not for DNA testing and an ATM camera, those kids might be making new friends at the Allendale Correctional Institution. Score one for law enforcement.

Dharum Ravi is the Rutgers student who has been found guilty of anti-gay intimidation (a hate crime in New Jersey) for watching on the web as his gay roommate got it on with another man. Ravi's roommate, Tyler Clementi, committed suicide by jumping from the George Washington Bridge. Ravi has been accused of "outing" his roommate, which he didn't, and broadcasting a sex video on the internet which he also did not. Ravi's case is the classic coincidence vs causation. To assume that Clementi's suicide was a direct result of Ravi's actions is a bigger leap than the one that killed Clementi. Paging Jack McCoy?

All of this is by way of reminding my fellow travelers of the danger of mailing in your guilty verdict before all the facts are in. Attend the tale of Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman. In case you have been travelling with Rick Santorum and therefore never hear anything about the real world, Trayvon Martin was shot and killed by Mr. Zimmerman on Feb 26 in the little town of Sanford FL. The only facts in evidence are that Martin was unarmed and he was on the phone with his girlfriend when the incident occurred. After that it starts to get cloudy. Zimmerman claims that he was attacked and that he was defending himself. Maybe.

The situation is complicated by a nifty little law that was passed in Florida and 22 other states. As the result of an unholy alliance between the Republicans and the NRA, Florida has a law nicknamed Stand Your Ground. The short version is that if you perceive yourself in fear of death or "great bodily harm" you have Florida's permission to blast away. The threat need not be real or provable just as long as you "perceive" it to be so. These laws stem from a decision by the Supreme Court in 1895 (Beard v U.S.) that spoke to a person's right to use deadly force "in his home" when a threat was imminent. Florida, and other states, have expanded the concept to include any place that a person has a lawful right to be. If I'm in a park and you assault me with a knife I have no obligation to flee. I am well within my rights to perforate you with as many 9mm holes as my little Glock will fire. (That'll teach you to bring a knife to a gun fight.)These Castle Laws have only been codified recently in states with newly minted Republican majorities.

Considering that Castle laws have been part of the common law environment for a hundred years, one can only wonder why the sudden urge to write legislation to expand the protection. Perhaps the NRA was mindful of all the new guns purchased in the U.S. since a black man won the White House and they wanted to give people someone to shoot. In any event, because this law is on the books in Florida and only George Zimmerman is around to tell his story, no arrest was made.

That was before the media got involved...and Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson, and the President of the United States...and Fox News. The lack of actual information as to what happened has not stopped the news cyclists from covering this tragedy non-stop. George Zimmerman's life has been dissected like a frog in second period biology. Whether he was justified in shooting Trayvon Martin or not, his life will be decidedly different from here on. Trayvon's parents have given innumerable interviews and made several impassioned speeches. Everyone with a microphone and an audience is screaming for justice; justice being mostly defined as an indictment of Mr. Zimmerman. However this is resolved, no one will like the outcome.

Sanford, Fl is microcosmic of the country at large: 45% non Hispanic white, 30% black. Prior to the Trayvon Martin shooting Sanford was mostly remembered (if remembered is the proper term) as the town that ran Jackie Robinson out when he tried to take the field during a 1946 spring training game. The Dodgers were forced to move to Daytona Beach. People have been taking to the streets in Sanford and about everywhere else demanding an investigation. The Feds are now involved as is the State of Florida, the county of Seminole and about everyone else short of the Warren Commission. Justice will be done...well done...burned to a cinder.

Sadly, the trigger-happy asshats of the Florida legislature will, as always, escape unharmed and unrepentant. The people who put the gun in George Zimmerman's hand and gave him permission to use it will never have to answer for their actions. The NRA will remind people that, while tragedies happen, the sale, ownership and use of a gun is a wonderful and God-given right. After all, "Stand your Ground" isn't just the law, it's the American Way. With the saddest of hearts I'm sorry to say they are probably right.

...or is the Reason Rally just an excuse for smart people to carry dumb signs?

Amid the competing forces gathered on the Washington Mall last Saturday to blather for and against the healthcare reform bill, there was one group that went largely unnoticed. Honestly, why would anyone demonstrate on the Mall for a Supreme Court decision? You'd have a better chance affecting the outcome of the Kansas - North Carolina basketball game by demonstrating outside the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis. The group calling itself The Reason Rally managed a crowd of 25,000 or so and attempted to show the powers that be in Washington that atheists are a force to be reckoned with.

Anyone who wonders why reason needs a rally has spent very little time reading a newspaper and no time watching FOX News (God bless you). Americans have consistently used religion and its cousins: exclusionism, faith and bigotry to pollute the national dialogue. The symptoms are everywhere but mostly centered around the conservative, tea party, evangelicals. As our politics devolve into a race to the bottom, GOP presidential hopefuls are leading the way.When a debate moderator asks eight potential presidential candidates how many believe in evolution and only three answer affirmatively, reason needs a rally. When a substantial percentage of the voting population chooses a candidate who degrades education and disdains any science that contradicts his mysticism, reason needs a rally.

While the Reason Rally organizers profess to be neutral on religion, their signs and slogans carry a decidedly anti-religious tone. The featured speaker, Richard Dawkins (no, not the Family Feud guy) has written a book called The God Delusion. Dawkins believes that Homo sapiens are at their best when they "crawl from the swamp of primitive superstition and embrace reason and evidence-based truth". OK, maybe that's a bit harsh on religion but consider the following:

- Rather than accept the revelations of modern science, they take their truth from a book written in 800 BC by unidentified authors whose knowledge was of their time.

- When faced with something they don't understand, they don't interrogate science for a solution, but conclude that it must be supernatural and therefore beyond understanding.

Seriously, the appeal of presidential bright-lights like Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Donald Trump runs about as far from reason as it's possible to get. Ask yourself who has dropped out early (Mitch Daniels, Tim Paulenty) and who's still in (Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich). The reasonable types got shelved at the outset. Why? Too reasonable. Republicans clearly prefer candidates who believe in sacred underwear and creationism.

Here's a simple test to determine if you're ready to join the Reason Rally:

If you are suspicious of intellectuals and the elite, preferring instead to be governed by people just like you, the Reason Rally probably isn't your best choice for a weekend activity. If you believe that the guy who does your taxes should have a better education than the person you send to Washington as President, you might find NASCAR more up your street than the Reason Rally. If you think that your Christianity, your white-ness or your male-ness makes you a victim in America, re-runs of Glenn Beck will have more appeal than the Reason Rally.

Remember, according several of the candidates, God told them to run (Actually, in the case of Mitt Romney it might have been Karl Rove but, for Republicans, Rove is pretty close to being God. Gingrich was chosen by Lord Voldemort). So if God told Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum and whoever else, to run for Predident was he/she just having a bit of fun? Donald Trump supposedly wanted to trade a Divine endorsement for a spot on Celebrity Apprentice. The Almighty demurred. Anyway, no candidate has had the chutzpah to suggest that God told them he would help them win. Pity. My guess is The Almighty is taking Obama and the points. Sounds like a candidate for the Reason Rally.

...or is St. Patrick's Day a Republican plot to remind America of the evils of unchecked immigration?

Is there anything going on in the world besides the GOP primaries?

Why yes:

A recent survey (No, I don't know what survey. Look it up!) found that more than half of Republican voters in Mississippi think Barack Obama is a Muslim. In Alabama it's just under half. Two questions spring to mind 1) Did the survey poll voters in Vermont or Minnesota? 2) What the f**k is wrong with these people?

The first question goes to fairness. You get the idea that snotty pollsters from New York fill their slow days by surveying Southerners with questions like "Are you hayseeds really as dumb and ill-informed as Northerners think you are? Do you think that comes from a poor education or from marrying your first cousins?" The perception of ignorance regarding citizens of Georgia and Louisiana is a stereotype that should have died years ago. The South is the birthplace of Faulkner and Tennessee Williams; of Lincoln and Lee; of John Grisham and Johnny Depp. Except that Southerners, bless their bigoted hearts, never miss an opportunity to reinforce all the unkind things we already think about them. Observe:

Laurens County, South Carolina is requiring candidates for public office to sign a pledge that they have not or will not have sex before marriage, that they are not gay and (I love this) that they will not watch pornography. So, if you're not gay, is watching gay porn OK? This charming bit of silliness has reduced the pool of potential candidates to straight (or closeted) eunuchs with no internet service. One or two nuns might qualify but I'm betting again' it.

Florida passed a law allowing public school students to recite "inspirational messages" during mandatory school events provided the faculty is not involved. For those of you who missed your caffeine jolt this morning, this is a feeble, lame attempt to circumvent fifty years of anti school prayer rulings by the Supreme Court. Southerners just can't let this go. (BTW the Florida legislature also rejected a law that made it a crime for Florida legislators to profit from the laws they pass. "Welcome to Florida where graft is actually legal".)

The Texas anti-abortion law, recently sign by Governor Rick "my MENSA application must be lost in the mail" Perry is so draconian, Garry Trudeau felt compelled to use his Doonesbury comic strip to lampoon it. Naturally, several southern newspapers have refused to print the strips.

For the record, the official policy position of isitjustme is that while all Southerners are not dumb a large percentage act dumb. Telling a pollster that you think the President is Muslim or a Kenyan is dumb. However, I am prepared to accept that telling someone that you don't like Barack Obama because he's black is worse. Perhaps the people of the Southern States have learned something about image. It's better to appear ill-informed than racist. Maybe I don't have my facts straight but they are facts...sort of. It appears we have hit on the first possible inspirational message for Florida school kids:

"Thank God we live in a country where information is never an impediment to an opinion. The men and women of our armed forces have given their lives to defend my right to talk out of my ass. Facts are for losers. If God wanted me to use my brain he wouldn't have given me a gut. It this a great country or what? God bless the United States of America...and Go Gators."

...or is the War on Religion being fought with very large egos and very small, round pills?

Meanwhile, down the street from the Unitarians...

The Catholics were girding for war. The gauntlet having been thrown down by Barack Obama and the Department of Health and Human Services, Catholics are being told that their very survival is at stake. America's Catholic Bishops are in conclave (conclave is like a meeting but everyone wears a dress.) deciding whether the fig leaf solution to the contraception problem offered by the Godless dictators in Washington can be accepted.

Really, this contraception squabble works for the Catholics on several levels. First, it diverts attention from the 500lb scandal that has plagued the RCC for the last fifteen years. "Pay no attention to all those pedophile priests and our institutional attempts to cover them up. The real issue is birth control pills". Second, it bestows on the Church the sacred cloak of victimization. Catholics who haven't seen the inside of a church since Aunt Clara passed are rallying around the old rugged cross. "Our blessed church is under attack. Man the barricades. ..right after we check Google Earth to see where the Church is." Nothing unifies the mob like a common enemy. For the moment we can forget that 98% of Catholic families have ignored the Church's teaching on birth control.

This controversy isn't likely to refill the pews at Our Lady of Infinite Indifference but it will at least afford the RCC the opportunity to make the papers for something other than sexual abuse. Priests can actually appear in public without their attorneys. Having been handed this marvelous public relations gift do not expect the bishops to let it rest. The debate among the prelates will be less about insurance coverage than about spin. This will require some delicacy...never an RCC long suit. Too much dogma and you risk alienating all those Catholic women who not only use birth control but have it paid for by their employers. Not enough pressure and the "evil oppressors" in Washington might seem less evil.

A tactical hint might be the statement by New York's newly minted cardinal, Timothy Dolan, who opined that the compromise suggested by the administration was a " step in the right direction". The wrong tone was offered by Cardinal George of Chicago who wrote that "liberty of religion is more than freedom of worship. Freedom of Worship was available in the Communist Soviet Union." Suggesting that government mandated contraception coverage is tantamount to state suppression of religion is a sure way to remind your audience why they left in the first place. The idea is to look principled but reasonable. No matter how much damage you inflict on Barack Obama you won't get Rick Santorum elected.

Actually, Catholics and Republicans have the same problem but for exactly opposite reasons. The Catholics are victims of a hierarchy whose reactionary policies have made them irrelevant. Catholics can make up their own minds about what constitutes a Catholic whether or not that view comports with Rome. Thus we have "cafeteria" Catholics. The GOP on the other hand is being dragged to the extreme right by its congregation. In this case its the leadership is resisting. Of course the Catholic bishops aren't running for anything (except for Cardinal Dolan running for Pope). The Church doesn't need consensus, although it would help fill a church or two.

The bishops will, no doubt, drag this debate beyond Easter and on into the summer. Catholic Americans, being Americans first, will lose interest and focus on the start of baseball season and the NBA playoffs. Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum will take their War on Religion on the lecture circuit where this red meat issue will stand in stark contrast to the chicken dinner they've just eaten. Catholicism will survive but in a diminished role. Mostly, American Catholics will come to believe that their obligation to their church is satisfied if they lustily root for Notre Dame football on Saturdays. Go Irish!

...or is it ironic that Jesus became such a liberal considering he was home schooled?

There have been almost 400 of these rants "published" since 2006 and I'm pretty sure none of them have been about me. There are several good reasons for this: 1) I'm boring. 2) If I wanted to write about myself, there's always Twitter. Trust me, my entire life would fit comfortably in 140 characters with room left over for a really tasty meatloaf recipe. 3) My political/social observations are occasionally worth the time spent reading. Not so my personal adventures. The only thing I share with the Most Interesting Man in the World is face hair.

I bring this up because something happened on Sunday last that caused me to rethink, in part, one of my long-held beliefs-namely, that most organized Christian religions are as antithetical to faith as is Macaroni Grill is to Italian food. Nothing in my experience has shown me any of the teachings of Jesus Christ in what has become modern-day Christianity. Jesus spent three years preaching in public. His message was love, charity, humility, kindness, self-sacrifice. His first public appearance was the marriage feast at Cana. At no time did he use the opportunity to rail against divorce or homosexuality or contraception. At the Sermon on the Mount all the admonitions were positive: "Blessed are the peacemakers", "Blessed are the pure of heart". There was no "Damned are the nonbelievers", or "If you Jews don't wise up you're all going to hell".

So, armed with my trusty preconception against most things Christian, I was persuaded to attend a service at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Fairfax. I had a layman's knowledge of Unitarians: they are non-dogmatic, liberal to a fault and given to sermons, not preaching.

Clearly I was more aware of what they weren't. Cynically, I was prepared to be unimpressed. Note: I don't think of myself as a cynic. However, after 64 years of consistently pointing out the cloud around every silver lining, others have labeled me such. I will bow to that observation.

What I heard was a one hour service devoted to people. There was an announcement of a meeting in Washington to aid immigrant Muslims. Let me say that again: the Unitarian Congregation is meeting to help immigrant Muslims. WOW! How does that square with the anti mosque sentiments of 2010?

There was singing (the day's topic was diversity so the musical selection included a Jewish folk song and a Buddhist chant. I know this sounds like they're trying too hard but is was actually OK). There were prayers but they were universal and gentle. The congregation was asked to remember the sick and suffering but not to pray for them. The only way I knew I was in a religious service was the passing of the collection plate. Apparently even Unitarians have to pay the light bill.

The experience wasn't transformative. We're not talking St. Paul on the road to Damascus. It was, however, educational. Unitarians pay close attention to language. God is barely mentioned. Spirituality is translated into grassroots practical actions. Behavior matters more than belief. Apparently, your relationship with the Almighty matters less than how you act toward others and your environment. Having been exposed to a lifetime of Christian threats and admonitions the Unitarian service was inclusive... tranquil. There was no carrot and stick...just an olive branch. It seemed ...uncluttered. I think Jesus might have approved.

...or has the GOP given new meaning to the term three-way?

Like most of my blue-state brethren I am overjoyed with the Chinese fire drill that is the Republican nomination process. Each day brings new opportunities for Mitt Romney to remind us how cluelessly wealthy he is. Every morning I can rise to the possibility that Rick Santorum will invent a new commandment (Thou shalt not fornicate with anyone using government sanctioned birth control.) Seriously, if Rick Santorum had presented the Laws to Moses he would have needed a semi instead of a Semite. Or I can gleefully await the next pronouncement of impending apocalyptic disaster from Newt "Dr. Doom" Gingrich. "If Barack Obama is re-elected President, America won't win a single gold medal at the London Games this summer." (Yeah, I know. The Olympics are in Aug. and the election is in Nov. Get over it.)

Republican voter are approaching primary ballots as though they were stored in an outhouse. GOP voters are clamoring for a "None of the Above" choice on the ballot although they have one: Ron Paul. If you don't believe it, look at Virginia. With Gingrich and Santorum absent, Dr. Paul amassed 40%. That's 40% of Virginia, which went for Obama in 2008, deciding that they couldn't pull a lever for Romney. Paul has no shot so why vote for him? Because drawing a picture of a steaming pile of horseshit in the Romney column takes too much time. Any opportunity for a write-in (there was none) would have generated votes for Donald Duck, Pat Paulson and a slab of ham (aka, Chris Christie). Republicans feel the same way about their options as kids in a school cafeteria feel about the vegetables...they're all about the same and they all suck.

Meanwhile in a big house on Pennsylvania Avenue, a certain tan-ish Commander-in-Chief is giving thanks to God, Allah, Jehovah, Krishna and about any other deity he can think of. With the economy moving at the speed of a Supreme Court foot race, the Iranians creating a nuclear-sized hemorrhoid and the price of a tank-full of regular running even with the price of a Springsteen ticket, the President can hardly believe his luck. Even when he screws up, like the flap over contraception and churches, the three stooges on the Right make him look like Gandhi and Mandela combined. In "Back To School" Rodney said "If you want to look thin, stand next to fat people." So, as a corollary, if you want to look really smart, get in a race with really stupid people.

If it were raining soup, Santorum would be out with a fork, Gingrich with a knife and Romney with a gold-plated colander. Seriously, these guys couldn't beat eggs. The Republican electorate feel about these three boneheads the way Chris Christie feels about a salad. OK I'll stop now but really, when the other guy makes an error, you don't stop, pick up the ball and invite him to tag you out.

Romney, if and when he eventually limps over the finish line, will do so without the South. (Yeah, he won Florida but Florida is about as "Southern" as a KFC in Newark.) The South would prefer Gingrich...or Santorum...or Gingrich or...apparently anyone but Mitt. (As an elder American I'm over the moon about the Southern states clamoring for, not one but two, Catholics. Jack Kennedy would be stupefied.) Romney may very well win all the primaries in states he can't possibly win in the general election. His strength ("strength" in Romney's case means 52%) in the industrial North, Midwest and far West may prove as significant as being named the #1 Jewish MMA contender. It's a nice honor but it's also a ticket to an ass-whipping.

Romney is the rich son of a rich father. He's as white as mayonnaise and about as exciting. His avid supporters wouldn't fill a booth at Burger King. Still, it's no sin to be rich, white and boring...unless your tricorn hat makes you look like one of King George's Governors instead of Patrick Henry. "Governor Romney, how do you feel about the Declaration of Independence? "Well, I don't know many of the Signers but I own the company that made the parchment and the ink company and the carriage company that transports the Signers and..."

...or will the GOP continue its vagina dialogues through November?

WOW!

I'd run out and buy a lottery ticket but I've already hit the liberal blogger trifecta: the Republican Party, the Catholic Church and Rush Limbaugh. If we could work in Sarah Palin, I could retire.

Yes, I know you're sick to death of women's health and contraception, of sluts and Santorum, of birth control pills and Georgetown health insurance but honestly, would you rather be talking about gas prices? Hell, even the double-digit IQ crowd that listens to Rush would rather agitate over how many birth control pills prostitutes need as opposed to God-fearing Christian girls.

In order to properly understand what happened to sane intelligent discourse it's important to understand a few facts. (Facts being those things which are harder to find than condoms in the Santorum bedside table.):

Health Insurance and the government- Twenty eight states in America currently mandate that employers cover birth control pills as part of comprehensive healthcare. Many of those states make no provision for religious institutions whether they be churches or church-run businesses like hospitals or universities. So almost half the states already have birth-control mandated and as far as I know Bishop Fishhat of the Roman Catholic Church hasn't said a word. So why bring it up now? Why is the provision more odious when it's national? (BTW, these state laws have been signed by such notables as "Governor" Mitt Romney and Rev. "Governor" Mike Huckabee.)

Women's health vs the First Amendment - Freedom of Religion as stated in the Constitution covers the establishment of a state religion and the "free exercise" of anyone's faith. I fail to see how a government mandate to provide health insurance coverage for contraception in any way violates the Constitution. Catholics are still free to practice their faith without interference. Government has been sensitive to church prohibitions and exempted them from the law when employees of the church itself are affected. When ancillary businesses such as hospitals are concerned however, churches are expected to obey the law. How does this violate a Catholic's right to practice?

Barack Obama and the War on Religion - I suspect that no one was more surprised than Barack Obama to learn that he had declared war on religion or war on the Catholic Church (You have to hand it to Newt. When he says "War on the Catholic Church" you can actually see Joan of Arc on Pennsylvania Ave.) Having been castigated for spending twenty years at the feet of Rev. Jeremiah Wright, the President expected attacks on his patriotism not his faith.

Nevertheless Congress, anxious to do anything to divert the country's attention from its complete and total ineptitude, lept to action. Rep. Darrell Issa of California empaneled a committee and elicited testimony from "experts"...all men, all white, all older than that condom high schools kids carry in their wallet. Honestly, the panel looks like the reunion photo from the graduating class of a Presbyterian seminary circa 1958. It took a Democrat to permit the testimony of one woman, a law student, to present the argument for the other half of the population. And thus we get...

Rush Limbaugh and his appalling lack of grace and information - It's difficult to believe that the level of discourse in America has sunk so low that anyone would listen to or comment on a cancer like Limbaugh. His listening army of salesmen and retirees routinely spend three hours a day wallowing in every form of racist, misogynistic, reactionary bile a twisted soul can conceive. Unbounded by good taste, courtesy, or the slightest nod toward justice or fair play, Limbaugh has attacked anyone and everyone with innuendo, half truths and distortion. This is slime in its purest form.

However, this is a country founded on free speech. He gets to be a pig and we defend his rights. He's welcome to verbally abuse entertainers, politicians and public personalities for the amusement of his drones and the delight of his advertisers. Fame carries some peril (ask Sarah Palin). His right to be a turd however does not extend to ad homonym attacks on private citizens. The birth-control related testimony of Sandra Fluke before a Congressional Committee does not make her a public person. Attacking her as a "slut" and a "prostitute" is beyond disgraceful; it's libelous. It's also buffoonish. To expound on a woman's contraceptive needs is boorish. To do so with no actual knowledge is comic. Limbaugh's assertion that Ms. Fluke's sexual cravenness necessitates multiple contraceptive applications would be clownish if not so hurtful. Tragically, this incident and ten more like it won't end Rush Limbaugh. Boycotts have been suggested but the only boycott that may prove effective would be if women withheld sex from every husband who listens to that asshat. Not that Rush's audience gets laid all that much anyway!

Regardless of how this comes out, women will have access to contraception because, no matter what they say in public, men, fathers, lovers, adulterers and especially priests, do not welcome unintended blessed events. One might even expect to find a little round dispenser squirrelled away in the medicine cabinet of the Rick Santorum Little Red Home Schoolhouse in Great Falls, VA. After all, what student of military history doesn't remember the old World War I song "Praise the Lord and Pass the Ortho Novum"?

...or should we incarcerate anyone who intones, "No really, the check's in the mail"?

Way back in 2005, the Congress passed (yes, I know the words "Congress passed" don't appear together very often) the Stolen Valor Act. Seriously, who names these bills? must be the same guy who names car paint colors and lipsticks. Apparently there were a considerable number of men claiming to have been awarded the Medal of Honor and other decorations that they had not earned. While lying on your resume is as time-honored a tradition as lying on your taxes, Congress felt that the misrepresenting of ones military achievements was something that required a legal remedy. In all likelihood, this bit of feel-good legislation would have been consigned to the same file that contains Congressional passage of National Prostate Exam Month, however such is not the case.

Enter one Xavier Alvarez. Senor Alvarez managed to get himself arrested in a nasty little fraud case in which he tried to secure health benefits for his wife while he was serving on the Pomona, California water board.Further investigation revealed that Mr. Alvarez claimed to be a 25 year Marine Corp vet and recipient of the Purple Heart and Medal of Honor. None of that was true.

Clearly the word reprehensible was coined to describe Mr. Alvarez. Anyone who has worn the country's uniform finds lying about combat awards tantamount to cowardice under fire. Given the opportunity, we would gladly sentence this turd to spend a few quality minutes with some real Marines in an alley near Camp Lejeune. At least he would earn that purple heart.

This however, is America. We don't do frontier justice. Mr. Alvarez's case has made it all the way to Washington where the Supremes, fresh from the Whitney Houston funeral, will decide his fate. Of the nine justices on the court, three have served in the military: Breyer and Alito in the reserves, Kennedy in the National Guard. None have seen combat (unless you count Sonia Sotomayer's growing up in the Bronx). The military service of the Court members is relevant. Anyone who has spent time in the military imagines a special place in hell for those who fabricate their wartime experience. Any Justice who wore green, even in an armory in New Jersey, will react badly to someone professing courage under fire when none was demonstrated.

Still, for as much as we wish Mr. Alvarez to be publicly humiliated (a beating with a sock full of manure in front of the Iwo Jima Memorial springs to mind) the issue before the Court is, when does lying become crime? Is fudging your resume the same as forgetting to tell your fiancee that you are already married? Should we prosecute Senator Richard Blumenthal for "misstating" his military record during the 2010 campaign? What about Hillary Clinton's assertion about arriving in Bosnia under fire? Or Marco Rubio's "confusion" about when his parents came to America? What about Michele Bachmann telling Iowans she was born in the same town as John Wayne? Should there be a "just plain stupid" exemption? And let's not forget the 4,000 dead military personnel who paid the price for George W. Bush's lies.

It's a safe bet that, disgraceful as Mr. Alvarez's conduct might have been, the Supreme Court isn't likely to send him to the stocks. The First Amendment allows for free speech and, because there appears to be no actual damage, like yelling fire in a theater or "Obama" at the CPAC convention, there is no criminality. It seems certain that the "Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire" statute will not survive a Constitutional challenge. Mr. Alvarez will be returned to California where he can attempt to convince everyone that he arm-wrestled the Court for the verdict. Actually, this creep couldn't beat Ruth Bader Ginsberg in a thumb war.

...or do we all need to learn the Arab word for "enough already"?

Michael Corleone once famously said, "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." I know exactly how he felt. Just when I thought I was through with religion for a week or two those frisky Muslims cause a ruckus in Afghanistan. Apparently several copies of the Quran, along with other religious materials, were burned at the Bagram Airfield. Call it housecleaning. The position of General John Allen, commander of the International Security Assistance Force is that this was a mistake and the burning was stopped as soon as it was discovered. OK, case closed. Well, not so much.

As we all know, Muslims view every slight, every presumed desecration, every affront to their faith as holy war. Whether the offense takes place in Indonesia or Turkmenistan or Iraq we can guarantee an out-of-proportion response. Hundreds, sometimes thousands take to the streets and howl at the perpetrators as great satans and defilers of ...whatever. When I first saw the demonstrations in Tahrir Sq. in Egypt last summer, I assumed someone had used the wrong type-face when printing the Quran.

What mystifies me is why the world allows these religious crazies to continue to terrorize the planet? We wouldn't tolerate this sort of behavior from Lutherans, or Buddhists or, God forbid, Jews. Yet we tolerate fatwahs and faith-based assassinations by Muslims as though they had the right to threaten or murder anyone merely as an expression of religious freedom. What is up with that?

The response from Gen. Allen in Afghanistan is obsequious to the point of embarrassment and we liberals don't embarrass easily. To listen to the general apologize you would think the soldiers at Bagram took a sledge hammer to a statue of the prophet. Oh wait. I forgot. If you create a statue of the prophet you are a blasphemer and subject to a fatwah. These disproportionate demonstrations of offense require a proclamation from the UN, to wit: Hey, Islam! Chill! No one in Mecca raised an eyebrow when ten Pakistani soldiers were found beheaded in a tribal region in Afghanistan but all Islam is in an uproar over U.S. Marines urinating on the bodies of their enemies. Apparently Muslim on Muslim bloodshed is kosher but urine on Muslim action is verboten.

There used to be an old saying that your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins. Likewise, your right to exercise your religion stops where the laws of civilized conduct begin. We are sorry your books got burned. It wasn't deliberate. Please allow us to make a contribution to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Camels. (OK, that was uncalled for.) The point is, you don't have to take to the streets every time some small incident takes place somewhere in the world that involves your people. If you keep this up, no one will take you seriously... like Jesse Jackson.

...or would our Founding Fathers, seeing how their names and policies are misused, have hopped the first boat for England?

Well, it's President's Day. With all respect to Abe Lincoln, this day always puts me in mind of those rich white men, you know, the 1%, who gathered in Philadelphia in 1776 and 1787 to write the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution. Their mistrust of the English crown, not to mention each other, made it possible to forge principles and laws that have endured for over 200 years. We are truly fortunate that these men were able to look across an ocean and craft a government diametrically opposite to that of the English monarchy. It's like having a leisure suit as the example of how not to dress. Unfortunately, current politicians, in a misguided attempt to appear patriotic and conservative have taken the names and writings of our Founders in vain.

This selective usurpation of the work of Jefferson, Adams, Madison et al, ignores the fact that these men were as different from each other as are the lawmakers of today. Jefferson and Hamilton hated each other. Federalists in 1787 had the same contempt for the views of Democratic Republicans that Liberals of today have for Conservatives. The term Founding Fathers, when applied to a single idea of how government should work, makes as much sense as using the term "Congress" to define a single legislative direction. The very nature of our form of government demands endless argument and endless compromise. When the Constitutional Convention finally produced a document no one liked, they sent it to the states for ratification.

Here are just a few facts to remember about our Founders:

-Patrick Henry refused to ratify the Constitution. He thought it too "federal". Pat was a big states-rights fan. He would have favored Ron Paul.

-Benjamin Franklin was in favor of inviting all immigrants to America, provided they were industrious. Ben must have needed a lot of lawn maintenance. Anyway, he would have opposed "building the damn fence".

-Thomas Paine, who was born in England, was a firm believer in government's responsibility for educating the population. "It is monarchical and aristocratical government only that requires ignorance for its subjects." Tom would have hated Texas...and Rick Santorum.

-Thomas Jefferson had an ego bigger than the dome on Monticello yet he said "Conquest is not in our principals. It is inconsistent with our government." George W. Bush must have been sick the day they taught Jefferson at Yale.

The bottom line is that these men, brilliant as they were, had about as much in common with each other as the visitors to the United Nations men's room. To exhume them en masse and parade them behind your candidacy like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, does an injustice to them and the audience you address. Imagine a small group of the "Signers" lined up behind Rick Santorum. As Santorum stormed about freedom of religion, John Adams might have opined in favor of state support of the clergy. Jefferson would have no part of that. He wanted no government-sponsored religious involvement. (Actually, Jefferson wanted no federally sponsored anything.) The conversation would quickly devolve into a shouting match over the powers of the federal government and no one would be able to hear Santorum. (Not an altogether undesirable outcome.)

The politics of the late 18th century was no game for children or poor marksmen. The duel between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton may have been the most famous dispute of the day but it was hardly unique. Mostly however the weapon of choice was newsprint. Hamilton and Jefferson had a famously fearful feud using newspaper surrogates. (Think Superpac in black and white.) Hamilton's paper continually hinted that Jefferson was none too particular about with whom he shared his bed. Jefferson responded that the same could be said of Hamilton's mother. (Actually they were both certifiable bastards but only Hamilton had the paperwork to prove it.) Politics in a democracy is always nasty, contentious and derisive. That's what happens when everyone has a say. In Russia or Saudi Arabia this problem seldom arises...more than once.

So please, on behalf of the Signers and the authors of the Constitution, on this President's Day, let the Founders rest. Their exhumation during this campaign is undignified. Let's leave God, Thomas Jefferson and Ronald Reagan to their respective places in the universe. Quoting the Bible makes you look sanctimonious; quoting Jefferson makes you look uneducated and quoting Reagan just makes you look silly. If you need a quote, consult Michele Bachmann. She has never allowed actual history to stand as impediment to Fox history.

...or should the GOP debates confirm your worst nightmares and have everyone appear in their underwear?

Anything but politics:

Our friends in the Catholic Church have created 22 new Cardinals. Each was chosen by the current Vicar of Christ for his faith, his loyalty and, most of all, his ability to keep civil authorities from arresting his priests. Among the chosen is that chubby, jovial, smiling, wouldn't you love to share a Heineken with, Timothy Dolan, Archbishop of New York. Dolan laughed and charmed his way through a 60 Minutes profile and made all of New York forget the sewer that runs just below St. Patricks Cathedral.

In case you were counting, the current score is:

Number of cases of sexual abuse by priests worldwide----- 100,000+

Amount of Church money paid in claims------------------- $2.6 billion


Number of priest turned over to civilian authorities
by the Church or any of its Cardinals or Bishops.--------------- 0


In case you are having trouble understanding that last number, it's zero; none.

So for the record, any Catholic who drops five cents in a collection plate is paying for the continuation of this atrocity. Moving on...



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Just when you think that all religion is a joke and genuinely righteous people are harder to find than a book in Sarah Palin's house, along comes the story of Dolores Hart. Maureen Dowd's column in today's NY Times highlights the fascinating tale of the woman who was presumed to be the next Grace Kelly back in 1959. Having given Elvis his first screen kiss in King Creole, Dolores starred in several popular boy/girl features like "Come Fly with Me" and "Where The Boys Are". A role in "Francis of Assisi" with Bradford Dillman must have had a profound effect. (Oddly enough, none of the animals talk. Paging Walt Disney.)

After a run in "The Pleasure of His Company" on Broadway, Ms. Hart visited a Benedictine Abby in Connecticut to rest. Three years later she returned to the Abby and has remained there for the last fifty years. A documentary about her remarkable life is scheduled for April on HBO and Ms. Hart has committed to attend this year's Academy Awards.

With the death of a deeply troubled Whitney Houston in the news all week, a story like this deserves more attention that it will get. It's nice to know that not all fame is corrosive. We all want to think that for every Judy Garland there's a Robert Downey, Jr; for every Russell Crowe a George Clooney. Being a star might be fun but being a nun in Connecticut is...well...OK maybe not as much fun but at least she never had to be in another Elvis movie.

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Good news from Foxconn!

No, Foxconn is not Rupert Murdoch's latest on-line right-wing bullhorn. Foxconn is the Chinese factory complex that spits out millions of cell phones, tablets and laptops using workers for whom slavery would be a major step-up in pay grade. The factories employ over one million workers. The people who made your ipads and droids work twelve hour days, perform mind-numbing routine tasks and live in dormitories that would make migrant grape pickers in California strike for better conditions. Suicide was so pervasive that the government was forced to take decisive action. Counseling?...No. Longer weekends? Ridiculous. That action was to install giant nets around the dorms to catch the jumpers (and apparently dock their pay for taking an unauthorized break).

Bad publicity and a light nudge from the folks at Apple and HP have forced the Chinese to address the terrible conditions at Foxconn beyond upgrading the quality of toilet paper in the rest rooms. Salaries have been raised to about $400 a month (Lebron James makes approx. $6,000 per point). In addition, the benevolent folks in Beijing have promised to limit overtime (hey, it's not like the little buggers have anything else to do) and adhere more closely to Chinese labor laws. ("Chinese Labor Laws" being our newest oxymoron). Apple stock is soaring and the last thing they need in Cupertino is a worm. Visions of millions of hazmat-clad Asians chained to a work station in an Orwellian sized clean-room is enough to drive America to a newsstand or, God forbid, a library.

Still, if Americans want to know why unemployment is high and we hear cries of America doesn't make things anymore, consider the factory worker in China. Well, at least they get health care...a a first-rate team of firemen to free them from the nets and send them back to work.

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Carnival Cruise Lines has offered the survivors of that little mishap off the coast of Italy a whopping 30% off their next cruise with Carnival. Really? 30%? That's about the same number of degrees that the Costa Concordia is currently listing to starboard. I'm sure that the 3,200 passengers who were abandoned by their captain and forced to leave their possessions and swim for their lives from a sinking ship are lining up to avail themselves of that 1/3 off sale.

...or does the Republican race look like four men in a tug of war with everyone holding the same side of the rope?

It was a quiet Thursday night. As I perused my well-worn copy of Blaise Pascal's "Lettres Provincieles" (my Camus was being rebound) I discovered a delicious quote. In 1658 Pascal wrote, "Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." It seems unlikely that Pascal was contemplating the 2012 GOP Presidential contest but old Blaise was right on the mark.

Just as good economic news was sucking all the air out of the conservative argument for American regime change, along comes the Department of Health and Human Services. HHS determined that part of the new healthcare laws to take effect in 2014 compels all employers of a certain size who currently provide healthcare to include coverage for birth control, including so-called morning after meds. Exceptions were made for churches whose doctrine forbids contraception but not for commercial enterprises, such as hospitals and universities run by those religious groups. HHS might have expected some pushback from a church here and there but since laws like this were already on the books in several states it probably wouldn't amount to much. (Note: Massachusetts has this provision as part of its comprehensive healthcare law, signed by Governor Mitt Romney. Governor Mike Huckabee, aka Rev. Mike Huckabee, signed a similar law in Arkansas. Arizona's law makes no exception for churches of any kind.)

However, this is the election year of 2012 and no good deed goes unnoticed or unpunished. The circular firing squad that is the GOP presidential contest descended on this as though the Obama administration had decreed a tax on church collections. "War on Religion" screamed Romney clearly forgetting what his pen hath wrought. "War on the Catholic Church" howled Gingrich who himself is a relative newcomer to Catholicism. (Newt either overlooked the CC's prohibition on divorce or he plans to be more faithful to this Church than he ever was to his first two wives.)

Rick Santorum, who plans to run for Pope if his Presidential bid collapses, used the opportunity to condemn birth control, abortion, sex and dancing too close. Santorum plans to propose legislation forbidding men to ride behind women on escalators. (Considering Rick's negative views on sex one wonders where the eight little Santorums sprang from. Maybe he prayed for them.)

As always, when the adults got involved, the problem was resolved. That process took about 20 seconds. The administration commanded the insurance companies to cover the cost of birth control...much to the chagrin of the insurance companies and the Republican candidates. Once the Catholic Church expressed satisfaction with the change, the candidates were SOL. Deprived of this red meat issue almost as soon as it arose, the law firm of Santorum, Romney, Gingirch and Paul were forced to return to rail against an improving economy. Romney was so lost he attacked the bailout that saved the state he is trying to win. That's like trying to become president of Germany by attacking the Marshall Plan.

In any event the Republicans will nominate Romney in August and he will get trounced by the current President. When reflecting on these events it is helpful to remember the words of Confucius who said "When competing in a race, your chances of success increase dramatically when you don't shoot yourself in the foot with the starter's gun." Confucius should have signed on as a consultant with the RNC.