...or has the GOP given new meaning to the term three-way?

Like most of my blue-state brethren I am overjoyed with the Chinese fire drill that is the Republican nomination process. Each day brings new opportunities for Mitt Romney to remind us how cluelessly wealthy he is. Every morning I can rise to the possibility that Rick Santorum will invent a new commandment (Thou shalt not fornicate with anyone using government sanctioned birth control.) Seriously, if Rick Santorum had presented the Laws to Moses he would have needed a semi instead of a Semite. Or I can gleefully await the next pronouncement of impending apocalyptic disaster from Newt "Dr. Doom" Gingrich. "If Barack Obama is re-elected President, America won't win a single gold medal at the London Games this summer." (Yeah, I know. The Olympics are in Aug. and the election is in Nov. Get over it.)

Republican voter are approaching primary ballots as though they were stored in an outhouse. GOP voters are clamoring for a "None of the Above" choice on the ballot although they have one: Ron Paul. If you don't believe it, look at Virginia. With Gingrich and Santorum absent, Dr. Paul amassed 40%. That's 40% of Virginia, which went for Obama in 2008, deciding that they couldn't pull a lever for Romney. Paul has no shot so why vote for him? Because drawing a picture of a steaming pile of horseshit in the Romney column takes too much time. Any opportunity for a write-in (there was none) would have generated votes for Donald Duck, Pat Paulson and a slab of ham (aka, Chris Christie). Republicans feel the same way about their options as kids in a school cafeteria feel about the vegetables...they're all about the same and they all suck.

Meanwhile in a big house on Pennsylvania Avenue, a certain tan-ish Commander-in-Chief is giving thanks to God, Allah, Jehovah, Krishna and about any other deity he can think of. With the economy moving at the speed of a Supreme Court foot race, the Iranians creating a nuclear-sized hemorrhoid and the price of a tank-full of regular running even with the price of a Springsteen ticket, the President can hardly believe his luck. Even when he screws up, like the flap over contraception and churches, the three stooges on the Right make him look like Gandhi and Mandela combined. In "Back To School" Rodney said "If you want to look thin, stand next to fat people." So, as a corollary, if you want to look really smart, get in a race with really stupid people.

If it were raining soup, Santorum would be out with a fork, Gingrich with a knife and Romney with a gold-plated colander. Seriously, these guys couldn't beat eggs. The Republican electorate feel about these three boneheads the way Chris Christie feels about a salad. OK I'll stop now but really, when the other guy makes an error, you don't stop, pick up the ball and invite him to tag you out.

Romney, if and when he eventually limps over the finish line, will do so without the South. (Yeah, he won Florida but Florida is about as "Southern" as a KFC in Newark.) The South would prefer Gingrich...or Santorum...or Gingrich or...apparently anyone but Mitt. (As an elder American I'm over the moon about the Southern states clamoring for, not one but two, Catholics. Jack Kennedy would be stupefied.) Romney may very well win all the primaries in states he can't possibly win in the general election. His strength ("strength" in Romney's case means 52%) in the industrial North, Midwest and far West may prove as significant as being named the #1 Jewish MMA contender. It's a nice honor but it's also a ticket to an ass-whipping.

Romney is the rich son of a rich father. He's as white as mayonnaise and about as exciting. His avid supporters wouldn't fill a booth at Burger King. Still, it's no sin to be rich, white and boring...unless your tricorn hat makes you look like one of King George's Governors instead of Patrick Henry. "Governor Romney, how do you feel about the Declaration of Independence? "Well, I don't know many of the Signers but I own the company that made the parchment and the ink company and the carriage company that transports the Signers and..."

...or is Rick Santorum just Ned Flanders without the mustache?

Be afraid...be very afraid! Rick Santorum is coming for your birth control pills.

I've never understood Republicans. They rail against big government and the evils of "regulation" when those regulations attempt to ensure clean water and air. They bemoan "government interference" when government wants food inspected or airplanes properly maintained. They cry real tears when the EPA prohibits drilling into Eskimos or polar bears for oil. Government and taxes are always the reason why America is lagging in job creation and world economics.

However, once we start talking about social issues (abortion, birth control, rap music, movies, etc.) government is always the answer. Government should regulate porn on the internet. (I agree, the production values are lousy.) Government should demand that kids pray in school. Government should never let gays marry. Big Brother should prohibit the sale or distribution of condoms to anyone under 21. Government should never allow the legalization of marijuana and should continue its amazingly successful war on drugs. Face it: if government action is beneficial to the society as a whole, the Republicans hate it. If government action interferes with mostly harmless vices, the GOP loves it. What's up with that?

As we have seen from the rather public peccadillo's of Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich, it's not like Republicans don't like to be naughty. I guess they figure that it's no fun if it's legal. Memo to Newt: It is unlikely that serial philandering will ever curry much favor with rank and file conservatives. The GOP complains about the Democratic nanny state which attempts to control citizen salt intake but they welcome the Inquisition where sex and behavior are concerned.


Enter Rick Santorum.

Unlike Mitt Romney who wishes to downplay his religious preferences, Santorum wants to shout his Catholicism from the rooftops. Santorum is apparently betting that America (or at least South Carolina) would rather have a crazy-ass Catholic than a modest Mormon. Rick believes that, at the end of the day, Southerners will tolerate a religion run by the Pope as opposed to one lead by Stephen Veazey, whose title is Prophet-President Designate.In literature this is known as distinction without difference. Deciding which grand poobah talks to God most often and which group has the inside track to heaven is South Carolina's favorite sport.

Oddly enough, there was a time in the not too distant past when a Catholic in SC had an excellent chance of sharing a tree with a negro. Catholics were as popular as Yankees. In 1960, Jack Kennedy was so reviled for his faith that, even during a time when the South was solidly Democratic, Kennedy barely beat Nixon. Kennedy never denied his faith but he rarely ever mentioned it. Not only was it toxic, it was considered bad form. Nixon, to his credit, never tried to make it an issue.

Santorum on the other hand, might as well wear a miter and stole. Because he wants his Catholicism to be an issue we should oblige him and make it one. You do not want this Catholic in the White House. America doesn't need any religious orthodoxy running the country but particulatly this one. The Catholic Church's treatment of women and gays, not to mention its disregard for the laws on child abuse, is testimony to its twisted concept of how to lead a congregation to salvation. Mormons might believe in sacred underwear (Seriously, sacred boxers. Don't believe me? Look it up.) but at least their leaders aren't candidates for mug shots. Santorum is the most recent example of how the Roman Church has attempted to bully its way into the political discourse. In 2004 the bishop of St. Louis, Raymond Burke, forbade candidate John Kerry from taking communion because of his pro-abortion stance. He also virtually excommunicated Louise Lears of the Sisters of Charity for the unpardonable sin of suggesting that women be ordained. No such verdict was ever imposed on any pedophile; priest or otherwise.

Like the Republican party, the Church in Rome has been co-opted by its most right-wing forces.

Thanks to the over-long pontificate of John Paul II the entire College of Cardinals is one reactionary cabal. The current Vicar of St. Peter has only made it worse. (This should be no surprise. Benedict XVI's last job before Pope was Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith...formerly known by its more casual title...the Inquisition.)

The current church and its henchmen would only be too happy to advise President Santorum on how to run America. Think of it like Ireland only without the nifty music. Abortion would be illegal as would a woman's right to contraception. Divorce will be impossibly rare. Naturally, only men will be able to file for one. No one need fear Sharia Law. Cannon Law will be far worse. (Except that, like Sharia, the Jews will be blamed for everything.)

Fortunately, American Catholics have a long, time-honored tradition of ignoring the rantings of the Vicar of Christ. 85% of Catholic Americans practice or approve of birth control. About half think Roe v. Wade is established law and, while distasteful, is mostly OK. Catholics stopped believing that a hot dog on Friday will send you to hell about the same time we stopped believing in Santa Claus. Many still attend mass but do so mostly out of habit or as a social event. In the U.S., Catholicism is mostly what Catholics say it is...long on tradition and ceremony, short on practical life advice. After all, who wants to take marital advice from a confirmed bachelor? Who needs counsel on child rearing from men whose exposure to kids is limited to exposing themselves to kids. (OK that's harsh.)

Anyway, it remains a conundrum that the Christian South, long haters of "papists" has been forced to support a Catholic in order to uphold its Christian values. That's like the National Rifle Assoc. hiring Micheal Moore to film their documentary. Can I get an AMEN?