...or has the GOP given new meaning to the term three-way?

Like most of my blue-state brethren I am overjoyed with the Chinese fire drill that is the Republican nomination process. Each day brings new opportunities for Mitt Romney to remind us how cluelessly wealthy he is. Every morning I can rise to the possibility that Rick Santorum will invent a new commandment (Thou shalt not fornicate with anyone using government sanctioned birth control.) Seriously, if Rick Santorum had presented the Laws to Moses he would have needed a semi instead of a Semite. Or I can gleefully await the next pronouncement of impending apocalyptic disaster from Newt "Dr. Doom" Gingrich. "If Barack Obama is re-elected President, America won't win a single gold medal at the London Games this summer." (Yeah, I know. The Olympics are in Aug. and the election is in Nov. Get over it.)

Republican voter are approaching primary ballots as though they were stored in an outhouse. GOP voters are clamoring for a "None of the Above" choice on the ballot although they have one: Ron Paul. If you don't believe it, look at Virginia. With Gingrich and Santorum absent, Dr. Paul amassed 40%. That's 40% of Virginia, which went for Obama in 2008, deciding that they couldn't pull a lever for Romney. Paul has no shot so why vote for him? Because drawing a picture of a steaming pile of horseshit in the Romney column takes too much time. Any opportunity for a write-in (there was none) would have generated votes for Donald Duck, Pat Paulson and a slab of ham (aka, Chris Christie). Republicans feel the same way about their options as kids in a school cafeteria feel about the vegetables...they're all about the same and they all suck.

Meanwhile in a big house on Pennsylvania Avenue, a certain tan-ish Commander-in-Chief is giving thanks to God, Allah, Jehovah, Krishna and about any other deity he can think of. With the economy moving at the speed of a Supreme Court foot race, the Iranians creating a nuclear-sized hemorrhoid and the price of a tank-full of regular running even with the price of a Springsteen ticket, the President can hardly believe his luck. Even when he screws up, like the flap over contraception and churches, the three stooges on the Right make him look like Gandhi and Mandela combined. In "Back To School" Rodney said "If you want to look thin, stand next to fat people." So, as a corollary, if you want to look really smart, get in a race with really stupid people.

If it were raining soup, Santorum would be out with a fork, Gingrich with a knife and Romney with a gold-plated colander. Seriously, these guys couldn't beat eggs. The Republican electorate feel about these three boneheads the way Chris Christie feels about a salad. OK I'll stop now but really, when the other guy makes an error, you don't stop, pick up the ball and invite him to tag you out.

Romney, if and when he eventually limps over the finish line, will do so without the South. (Yeah, he won Florida but Florida is about as "Southern" as a KFC in Newark.) The South would prefer Gingrich...or Santorum...or Gingrich or...apparently anyone but Mitt. (As an elder American I'm over the moon about the Southern states clamoring for, not one but two, Catholics. Jack Kennedy would be stupefied.) Romney may very well win all the primaries in states he can't possibly win in the general election. His strength ("strength" in Romney's case means 52%) in the industrial North, Midwest and far West may prove as significant as being named the #1 Jewish MMA contender. It's a nice honor but it's also a ticket to an ass-whipping.

Romney is the rich son of a rich father. He's as white as mayonnaise and about as exciting. His avid supporters wouldn't fill a booth at Burger King. Still, it's no sin to be rich, white and boring...unless your tricorn hat makes you look like one of King George's Governors instead of Patrick Henry. "Governor Romney, how do you feel about the Declaration of Independence? "Well, I don't know many of the Signers but I own the company that made the parchment and the ink company and the carriage company that transports the Signers and..."

...or is it possible to feel sorry for a man who's worth $150 million?

I admit it. I feel sorry for Mitt Romney. I want to send him a fruit basket...or a Vermont Teddy Bear...or an autographed photo of Rodney Dangerfield. Honestly, Romney is the tomato soup of the Republican buffet; everybody likes it but something else always looks tastier.

On paper he would appear to have all the qualifications to be a lock as the GOP standard-bearer. He comes from the aristocracy. (His father was governor of Michigan and one-time Presidential hopeful.) His educational creds are impeccable. (Harvard MBA and law degree which he earned concurrently.) Business success at Bain Capital where he earned what the IRS categorized as "a shitload of cash". He rescued the 2002 Winter Olympics from a payola scandal that, even by Olympic standards, was horrific. (Japan and Korea finished one/two in the "See Who Can Stuff More Cash and Prizes into Your Suitcase" event.) He got the good people of Massachusetts to elect him their governor...as a Republican. That's like Kansas electing Bill Ayers as its senator.

Short of discovering a cure for cancer or managing the Cubs to a World Series, it's hard to imagine what else this guy needs to do. Hell, he even looks the part.

There are kids in college who can't remember a time when Mitt Romney wasn't running for or running something. Persistence alone should account for something. He barely had time to change his "Romney in 2008" posters to "Romney 2012" before he was back out on the campaign trail. Politicians will tell you that the run for President is a marathon not a sprint but Mitt has turned it into an odyssey. One suspects the book for 2012 will be "the Making of the President 2012" by Homer.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want Mitt Romney to beat Barack Obama next year. Heaven forefend. It might be nice however, to see a candidate for president from the Republican party who doesn't look like one of the horrors on Fear Factor. Watching the election returns with one hand clutching my passport is not the way I wish to spend Nov 6, 2012. At least Mitt Romney doesn't speak and act like someone in need of a rabies test.

Why is this man getting no love? Is it like happily married men attending the show at Stringfellows? Hey, where's the harm in a little flirtation or fantasizing? I'm not going anywhere with these bimbos. I'm just imagining. Similarly, no rational Republican (oxymoron anyone?) would seriously consider voting for Michele Bachmann or Newt Gingrigh in a "real" election. It might be sexually stimulating to dream of a president hiring black school kids as janitors or demanding Ronald Reagan's bust on Mt. Rushmore but not really. A President should sound measured, thoughtful, intelligent. Most of the competitors in the GOP race sound like Fox News auditions for Glenn Beck's job. Enter Mitt Romney.

It can't be that Romney is a Mormon. America's Christians should be thrilled that any President attends a church of any kind. The only time any of the last five or six Presidents went to church was to pray that some scandal would blow over. Even the Obamas, who went to church regularly in Chicago (remember Rev. Wright?) sneak out of the White House for dinner on Saturday, not services on Sunday. Romney's Mormon faith may be the only thing he hasn't reinvented, reconsidered or reversed since his campaigning began. That should account for something. If Massachusetts didn't care why should Kansas or Iowa?

Anyway, the reinvigoration of Ron Paul's campaign should alert Republicans that they have reached the bottom of the peanut butter jar. What's next: Rick Santorum? Herman Cain redux?

Republicans should be careful that Romney doesn't drop out after Iowa. What then? Maybe it's like Chutes and Ladders; when you have to start over from the beginning. Paging Mitch Daniels! Anyone seen Donald Trump?