...or are "victims" hiding in all political philosophies?

While the world was basking in the afterglow of "the speech" delivered by former President Bill Clinton, I happened across a book review on the Opinion page of The Wall Street Journal. (Don't ask.) Anyway, the book is called "The Victim's Revolution, The Rise of Identity Studies and the Closing of the Liberal Mind". (Mostly I hate secondary titles. They attempt to encapsulate 400 pages into one sentence.)

The book deals with examining recently fashioned academic disciplines such as Women's Studies, Chicano Studies, Gay and Lesbian Studies and, on the fringe, Fat Studies. (Fat Studies is actually a field of study available at Oregon State University.) It's easy to dismiss these academic pursuits as fad programs or "easy A" courses akin to Film Study and Geology. (No offense to Film and Geology Majors.) However, the greater point is that, from a learning prospective these courses and majors provide a monolithic prism from which to view the world and, in fact, all of the world's knowledge.

The danger of Women's Studies (and I'm not picking on Women's Studies) is not the objective correction of history written mostly by men but acceptence of the idea that all presented facts are suspect because of their origin. At that point the courses become less about knowledge and more about affirmation. Education is not supposed to be 'us vs them'. Learning should never be therapy. It is proper for students to question accepted wisdom but not exclusively because of its origin. The facts of an issue don't change for lesbian students merely because they are taught in a Lesbian Studies discipline. Academic prisms are destructive because they are not selective. If a black student is taught that every issue in his life must be examined through the prism of his race, he has no hope of ever viewing the wider world with any sort of objectivity. There are no black bakers. Cakes are created the same way for all races.

The reason for addressing this topic here is that I have continually taken the Right to task for creating the Victim Society among groups who had, heretofore, never considered themselves victims. "There's a War on Christmas" Christians are told even as they marvel at how fast the Santa Claus's appear after Halloween. "White People are getting screwed" screams right-wing radio although few white people would trade places with even the richest black man. "All media has a liberal bias" says those TV stations and radio who pander to the Right. "Latins are taking over American culture" scream people with names like O'Reilly (Irish), Hannity (also Irish) Charles Kruthhammer (German) and Van Susteren (Irish, Dutch, Icelandic, French and German). Not a Native-American in the bunch. If you see yourself as a victim, facts notwithstanding, then it's easier to condone true victimization of others. If the diversity practices of a university causes harm to a white applicant, whites are the victims. Forget that the policy only exists because of the centuries' old practice of excluding minorities of all stripes.

So what have we learned? That fairness is 1) an illusion? 2) a goal? or 3) a saleable commodity like church indulgences? Perhaps we discover that for as warm and comforting as victimhood feels, aside from fact-based situations (the Jews in Europe, the Armenians in 1915) we are only really victims if we choose to be. So, university students, by all means take courses that glorify your culture and social circumstance. Just beware of the sirens of excuses who want to convert you to the culture of victimhood. Besides, if you get a D in Chicano studies, you can't complain that you were cheated because you were born in Venezuela.

..or is there a price to pay for peeing in the shallow end of the gene pool?

Granted, it's a bit classless to chuckle at the death of another human being but...

Randy Lee Tenley of Kalispell, Montana decided that a bigfoot sighting in his town would be just the thing to liven up a dull summer. Randy Lee proceeded to acquire a ghillie suit from the local army surplus store. (Ghillie suits are camouflage costumes worn by snipers. The wearer appears to be a pile of leaves and moss.) He then donned the suit and ventured out to scare and confound the citizenry of Kalispell. Sadly, Randy Lee's plan went sideways when he lumbered onto a road at night and was hit by a 15 year-old driver. Randy was hit again by another car who clearly took him for a pile of dead leaves and moss. (Kudos to the suit maker.) Whether either driver reported an encounter with a Sasquatch was not made clear.

Kalispell, MT is hardly the Area 51 of bigfoot activity. At certain times of the year you're lucky to see any form of homo erectus. Why Mr. Tenley thought that a Sasquatch invasion would improve the quality of life in his town is a secret that died with him.

___________________________________________________________________

On a completely unrelated topic:

Did anyone notice that Mark Sanford, former Governor of South Carolina, is engaged to be married to Maria Belan Chapur. Who? Mayhaps you have forgotten Mr. Sanford and his contribution to the lexicon of American euphemism. While Markie was governor, he mysteriously disappeared for six days and told his staff he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail". Turns out the Appalachian Trail has a little-known detour that leads directly to the Buenos Aires apartment of Ms. Chapur.

As was subsequently revealed, this was not Governor Sanford's first hike and mostly at the expense of the good people of South Carolina. Being a good Republican ( see also "Wide Stance" Larry Craig) the Governor declined to resign. His own party tried to have him impeached but the Democrats of SC, delighted to leave him twisting in the wind, blocked most attempts. Sanford denied that he used State funds to further his Argentinean agenda. Having said that, he wrote the State a check to cover the misappropriated funds. His wife resigned from their marriage.

Well, that was 2009 and former Governor Sanford has maintained a moderately low profile. The definition of low profile among South Carolina Republicans is that you take a gig at Fox News, never to be taken seriously again. (As opposed to a gig at MSNBC where, chances are, you were never taken seriously to begin with.) However, true love will out. It was reported that in August Mr. Sanford proposed to the lovely Ms. Chapur. Apparently, Sanford hid in the men's room while a waiter told Ms. Chapur that she had won a prize and presented the ring. Thankfully, Gov. Sanford didn't encounter Larry Craig in the toilet or the story might have taken a ghastly turn.

__________________________________________________________________

and if you can spell non sequitur...

Seriously, does anyone actually read Prince Valiant in the comics any more? Are there folks out there that feel their Sunday is incomplete without a visit to Val? I love the comics but I'm a geezer. I check Doonesbury and Dilbert every day. I even look at Beetle Baily though that hasn't been relevant since the Korean War. I would read B.C. and the Wizard of Id also but they're not in the Wash. Post.

Comics are the ultimate anachronism. It was probably the first part of a newspaper that you read as a kid. The Funny Papers were the only part of the printed newspaper that parents could share with the kids. Strips like Mary Worth, Blondie and the Katzenjammer Kids were followed the way Justin Bieber is followed on Twitter. People cared about Lil Orphan Annie and Dick Tracy. Gasoline Alley, and Lil Abner were homilies and miniature morality tales. The strips evoked smiles rather than laughs. Stuff like two-way wrist radios (Dick Tracy) and secret decoder rings (Lil Orphan Annie) were part of the lexicon in America for generations. Ah! where are the Andy Capp's of yesteryear?

...or has GOP come to mean God's Own Party?

Never has the hand of God been seen more clearly than in the Almighty's attempts to disrupt the Republican National Convention scheduled to begin today in Tampa, FL.

This is not the first time that the Supreme Being has used weather to send a message to the GOP. No one remembers the 2008 Republican Convention for anything except the birth of Sarah Palin (she was born fully formed from the brain of John McCain). What everyone forgets is that there was an attempt at Divine Intervention there as well. The convention was held in St. Paul, MN which as we all know, is not exactly hurricane central. Nevertheless the expected, or unexpected arrival of Hurricane Gustav caused several departures from the original schedule of events.Although the message the Almighty was attempting to convey, "send that moron in the red suit and glasses back to Alaska" went unheeded, he was at least able to keep George W. Bush from speaking live at the convention. (The sigh of relief was audible in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.) Absolutely no one in the GOP wanted the words "George W. Bush" and "hurricane" uttered in the same sentence. Instead "W" addressed the convention via satellite from an undisclosed, secure location. God was apparently satisfied that the Republicans got part of the message and the storm passed several hundred miles to the east.

Now we arrive at the 2012 edition of the Republican National Confab. Having learned exactly nothing from their brush with disaster in '08, the GOP decided to hold this year's party in Tampa, Florida...on the coast...in August. Jeez! Why not the Bermuda Triangle? Well, God knows a gauntlet when one is thrown down and He was ready. This time, in case anyone missed the subtlety, the storm is named Isaac, as in son of Abraham (presumably calling it Yahweh was a bit showy). The Almighty's efforts are having a much more profound impact this time around. The storm has already forced the cancellation of the worst speaker to address a convention since Pat Buchanan told Republicans it was OK to be racist in 1992. Donald Trump is out. (For the love of God, who thought this chowderhead would add anything but derision to the GOP message?)

Rumor has it that Trump attempted to bribe God into sending the hurricane to North Carolina next week but the Almighty wasn't having any (the Dems are convening in Charlotte on Sept 4th).

Everybody's favorite religious asshat, Michele Bachmann, was, as usual, ready to interpret the meteorological message from On-High. Ms. Bachmann has been the GOP's go-to medium for divining God"s messages in storms and various teapot tempests. It was Rep. Bachmann who, in 2011, famously proffered that the east coast earthquake and Hurricane Irene were messages from The Almighty to Washington. "I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of politicians." The possibility that God was telling Republicans to leave National Healthcare alone never crossed her mind. (If a butterfly flapping its wings in Mongolia can cause the Santa Ana winds in Mexico, how much damage must Michele Bachmann's flapping mouth be causing in Asia?)

The prophet from Minnesota's Sixth has delved deep into her crystal and has seen God's metaphorical hand in the weather plaguing Florida this week. Speaking to the Florida Family Policy Council, Michele suggested that "...we are looking at a political hurricane in our land." WOW! Move over Nostradamus. Fortunately for the attendees at the Convention, Rep. Bachmann will get no closer to the speakers rostrum than she is today, which is a parking lot at the Olive Garden. Still, delegates crazy enough to sit in the convention hall throughout Tuesday and Wednesday will suffer speeches from Scot Walker of Wisconsin, Bob McDonald of Virginia, Rick Santorum from Bethlehem, Bobby Jindal from The Big Bang Theory, and Newt Gingrich from The Dating Game. In an attempt at whimsy the GOP plans to schedule Rob Portman, Tim Paulenty and Connie Mack but not announce who will speak when. Delegates will then be quizzed as to which is which. Prizes will be awarded.

The featured speakers will include Chris Christie who will reinforce his credentials to be President at the same time the engineers at the convention reinforce the stage. Nikki Haley, Governor of South Carolina, will speak about life in the craziest state in the Union and Marco Rubio will discuss how his family escaped Castro's Cuba three years before Castro's Cuba actually was Castro's Cuba. (Maybe Michele Bachmann saw Castro's eventual rise in a storm cloud and warned the Rubios.)

Sadly, the real fun-lovers like Sharron Angle, Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell, Herman Cain and Todd Akin will be missing from the program. No one wants to be reminded about how batshit this crowd really is. Only serious politicians like Callista Gingrich, Newt's current accessory and Luce Vela, first lady of Puerto Rico are allowed to address the throng. Susana Martinez Governor of New Mexico will also speak, assuming she can prove who she is and how she got here.

So have a ball you Republicans. Nominate Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Have a balloon drop and a party and try to ignore the 500 pound elephant in the room...no, not Chris Christie. The fact is that after four years of vilifying Barack Obama and attempting to pander to the worst of the teabaggers bigotry and hate, you are still the party of old, cranky, white rich people. Blacks hate you, Latinos hate you, women should hate you and kids laugh at you. The Republican party is the best thing to ever happen to John Stewart.

Republicans should heed the words of the Commander of the Host who was chasing Moses across the Red Sea in The Ten Commandments. He said "Let us go from this place. Men cannot fight against a God."

...or has Mike Bloomberg graduated from nanny to wet-nurse?

From the recent files of isitjustme, subsection "you can't make this stuff up":

As referenced in a recent posting, the mayor/nanny of New York City has sponsored yet another edict in his never-ending war on personal freedom. Mike Bloomberg is determined to make you healthy and thin even if he has to lock you up to do it.

In any other city in America the draconian pronouncements of Mayor Bloomberg would be denounced as not just unconstitutional but anti civil liberties. In Dallas the citizens would be hunting for a rope. The interesting thing in New York is that everyone likes Mayor Mike. He has done a wonderful job running a city that was considered, under the Democrats, ungovernable. He has taken the torch from Rudy Giuliani (who, one must admit, did an admirable job) and continued to advance a nonpartisan, even-handed agenda. If the laws of the city didn't limit the mayor to two terms (a law Bloomberg set aside in 2009) Mike could be mayor of NY in perpetuity. He's a billionaire who takes the subway to work (sometimes) and rarely puts his foot in his mouth.

However Mike's one blindspot is his proclivity for proposing laws, regulations and edicts which while designed to do good, come off as patronizing and, well, silly. Bloomberg banned smoking in restaurants and bars in 2003 and in public spaces like Times Square in 2011. In 2006 he banned the use of artificial transfats in food sold in New York. He decreed that the calorie count of fast food be posted in all such restaurants and has pushed for a ten year plan to reduce the salt content of packaged foods. His commissioners have mandated a change in the taxi fleet to include hybrid cars instead of the old Ford Crown Vics. His recent effort to limit the size of sugary drinks sold in stores and restaurants has earned Mike more laughs than applause.

However, Mayor Bloomberg is undeterred. His most interesting cause to date is a ban on the sale of baby formula over the counter, thereby forcing new mothers to breastfeed. Formula would be available in hospitals but the staff must document the reason for dispensing it. Formula will also be available in pharmacies with a prescription. Although the Mayor's heart is certainly in the right place, his head is clearly too close to his sphincter. It was bad enough when he banned food donations to the homeless because the city couldn't control the salt content but this is one toke over the line. The Mayor appears determined to leave office with an electorate of thin, healthy, smoke-free, transfat-free, well adjusted constituents. It would surprise no one if he stopped the subways and buses once or twice a week and made New Yorkers walk or bicycle to work.

Mayor Mike is on the right side of abortion, gun control, religious freedom (he welcomed the so-called Ground Zero Mosque) and traffic congestion. However, mandating breastfeeding is big brotherism at it's worst. Personal choice cannot be sacrificed on the altar of "we know best". It would probably be best if Mayor Bloomberg kept his hands off women's breasts. Oh, you know what I mean.

or is prayer in school the first step toward Sharia Law?

While all the world was gasping at the galactic stupidity of Todd Akin, he of the Missouri Gynecological and Plumbing Association, no one noticed the other smell arising from the plains of the mighty mid-west. Having clearly established the Show Me State's regard for women (that would be, not much) the genius voters of MO have passed one of the dumbest, most irrelevant laws since Mike Bloomberg's mandatory breast-feeding edict.

Missouri has decided that Christians in Missouri (and make no mistake, this is only about Christians) don't get to pray enough in public. While Todd Akin was dragging women back to chattel status, the Missouri populace passed the "Missouri Public Prayer Amendment". This charming bit of irrelevancy has guaranteed forevermore the rights of Missourians to practice their religion freely. Apparently, the citizens of Missouri were so busy practicing their religion in secret they never had time to glance at the U.S. Constitution. If they had, they would have tripped over the First Amendment which mentions, in passing, that Americans have been practicing their religion freely since 1789. Maybe they thought that the Missouri Compromise of 1821 somehow shortchanged their religious freedom. (A section of the amendment allows for the public display of the Bill of Rights in Missouri public schools so this oversite might be short-lived.)

Actually it's the second part of this law which will cause huzzahs with the Bible-beating crowd. The amendment states that students in public schools are guaranteed the right to pray and acknowledge their religion voluntarily. Clearly, the information block that promoted the understanding of the First Amendment also shielded Missourians from three landmark Supreme Court decisions. Two decisions in 1962 and 1963, Engel v. Vitale and Abbington School District v. Schempp pretty much put the kibosh on school prayer. In 1971 the court went so far as to establish guidelines for what was acceptable in schools where prayer was concerned. In Lemon v. Kurtzman the Court said that public school activities must 1) have a secular purpose, 2) Must neither enhance nor inhibit religion and 3) Must not result in excessive entanglement between government and religion. If you don't think this is clear, you must be from Missouri.

The author of this tripe is one State Rep. Mike McGhee. Here's a quiz: see if you can guess Mike's 1) religion?, 2) race?, 3) party? Of course he is. Here's a trick question: where did he go to college? Wrong. He never went. He's a farmer from Independence who made his money in land speculation. Prior to his introducing this amendment, the only impression he ever made in Jefferson City was on the cushion of his chair.

There are two things you need to know about this amendment. First, it's as unconstitutional as the day is long. The Supremes have yelled themselves hoarse explaining that school is not church. If you feel the need to contact the Almighty during school hours, ask to be excused. There are zero reasons to organize moments of silence during class time and a thousand reasons not to. If praying is so critical to your kid's education, put them in a religious school where they can pray to their heart's content while studying creationism and celibacy. Leave public schools to study real knowledge not mysticism.

Second, anybody who thinks that these "religious freedoms" will be extended to Muslim kids please pull your head out of your Koran. These "freedoms" are about promoting Christianity and Christianity only. The very reason for excluding prayer from schools, i.e., to keep teacher from converting/brainwashing students, is the very reason the Christian Right want to bring it in. They don't want religious freedom they want a state sponsored shot at preaching Jesus to school kids. The first time that a group of Islamic students organize themselves in the corner of a classroom and begin chanting "Allah akbar" the freedom of religion crowd will scream "terrorists" and run from the building. Remember, it was the "good Christians" of middle America that howled every time a middle easterner tried to erect so much as a falafel stand. This is about Christianity and its true believers.

All of this religious fervor might at least be understandable if the goal was building a more moral country. Who could argue with Christian values like charity, kindness and love? Sadly, those pages are missing from the New Testament being preached by these self-appointed prophets. The same "Christians" who want students praising Jesus all day also want immigrants out, welfare stopped and all non-Real Americans jailed. Please, ask one of these modern-day evangelists what he thinks of Guantanamo or inner-city blacks or education for illegal immigrants. Jesus Christ would hardly recognize the Church he started.

So remember oh you righteous Christians of Missouri, as you demand crosses be placed outside public buildings and stone renderings of the ten commandments be displayed in your courthouses, the only countries currently interested in this sort of church - state unification are the ones facing Mecca six times a day. Sharia Law by any other name still still treats women like goats.

...or has the party that gave us Sharron Angle and Christine O'Donnell lost its ability to shock or surprise?

Missouri may not be in the deep south but recent events in the "Show Me" State would lead one to believe that they are working hard for membership. Missouri ranks right up with her sister states in obesity (30%), intelligence (#22 - best in the South after Virginia) and now a leader in draconian laws and moronic politicians. In a state where homeschooling is neither monitored nor regulated you can expect political candidates like Todd Akin.

Enter Todd Akin. The Tea Party's newly minted candidate for the Senate, challenging a supposedly vulnerable Claire McCaskill, couldn't wait to trot out his somewhat novel understanding of women's reproductive idiosyncrasies. During an interview last Sunday with a St. Louis TV station (presumably K-DOPE-TV) Congressman Akin was asked to defend his position on abortion. He has stated that he's again' it even in instances of rape and incest. Rather that launch into the usual rant about the sacredness of life, Akin opined that pregnancy, as a result of legitimate rape (as opposed to the non-legitimate kind), is "really rare. If it's a legitimate rape the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down." Ladies and Gentlemen behold the newest embodiment of the ASSHAT.

Mr. Akin is a graduate of the Wooster Polytechnic Institute in Wooster, Mass. I checked and they do not offer any courses in vaginal engineering. He also has a Masters of Divinity from the Convent Theological Seminary in St. Louis. In spite of the "Convent" in the title, female reproductive studies are unknown except in the backseat of the occasional Toyota. It would appear that Congressman Akin received the bulk of his gynecological training from the instruction pamphlets inside home pregnancy tests. In any event the upshot of the interview is that Congressman Akin is as qualified to expound on women's reproductive issues as he is to be a US Senator.

Because irony died in the Republican party during the Nixon years, no one thought it strange that Akin sits on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology. One can only assume that Akin specialized in the "space" part; especially the oxygen deprivation testing. He clearly skipped the "science" lectures.

Since Sunday the House has fallen on Todd Akin...and the Senate...and every Republican from John Boehner to Paul Ryan. Most are suggesting that he 1) withdraw from the Senate race, 2) take a long walk off a short pier or, enroll in the Outer Mongolian School of Reproductive Medicine. In any event, he should think about a change in careers.

However, Congressman Akin isn't having any. "I'm not a quitter" he said. That's not entirely true. Akin declined to appear at a planned interview on Piers Morgan's show on CNN. He did appear on Sean Hannity's radio show where he quoted that well-known OB-GYN John Paul Jones who said "I have not yet begun to fight." It was unclear if he was being raped at the time.

...or has the GOP decided to run Jim Crow for national office?

You gotta love Republicans. The Grand Old Party has traditionally been in the minority in America (current figures have the GOP a slight underdog) but has learned how to make the most of opportunities when they arise. Republican lawmakers have used every trick in the Karl Rove, Tom DeLay handbook to: redraw congressional boundaries, hire politically motivated prosecutors and pass any law possible to ensure their continued political dominance. In states like Texas, the Republicans have gerrymandered congressional districts to the point that the congressional Texas map looks like it was painted by Picasso at age five. Note: It's not like the Democrats are new to redrawing districts to maximize political advantage. Perish the thought. The GOP is only singled out for their shamelessness.

This brings us to 2010 and the unfortunate election results that put several state governments in the hands of some very mean-spirited Republicans. These guys grew up in the Bush-Cheney "take no prisoners" school of politics. Having taken over in 2011, they set right to work determining who voted for Barack Obama and how to keep them out of the polls in 2012. First on the list were those smelly poor people and those who live on society's margins. Next were minorities, especially those black citizens who turned out in record numbers to vote Democratic. But how do you disenfranchise entire voting blocks without violating that pesky Voting Rights Act?

Hey wait! How about if all the GOP governors take to Fox News and gin up a crisis about voter fraud? That will give the state legislatures cover to demand that voters show picture ID's before voting. After all, voter fraud is rampant in the land (we're certain because we heard it on Fox). And before you could say Jim Crow, Republican state houses passed laws requiring voters to present official photo ID cards before voting. So far, these laws have passed in Texas (big surprise), Nebraska, Wisconsin (thank you Scott Walker), Tennessee, South Carolina (where all the really evil laws are born), Georgia, Mississippi, Indiana and, most contentiously, Pennsylvania. No one gives a God damn who votes in Nebraska or who they vote for.

A judge in Pennsylvania has just ruled that the voter ID law in that state is legal and he is probably right. The interesting aspect of this case is that prior to argument, the Defendants, in the person of the State AG, had already thrown in the towel. In a "stipulation agreement" filed before the trial began, the State has acknowledged that it has no evidence that the new law would prevent fraud at the polling place. Further, the State cannot point to one case of in-person fraud at any voting facility in the State. So, in short, a law that was supposedly written to stop in-person voter fraud, will not stop voter fraud, but that's OK because there is no voter fraud to stop. But if there were fraud, by God we stopped it. Pennsylvania is about to entertain a law prohibiting hunters from shooting unicorns with a crossbow.

To be clear, these laws would not stop dead people from voting in Chicago. They would not stop ACORN-type registrations (ACORN committed no voter fraud or ever broke any election law. Their offense was coming to the attention of a has-been named Glenn Beck.) There is a famous story regarding the Senate campaign of Lyndon Johnson in Texas in 1948 where, during the Democratic primary, a precinct turned in election results showing that the citizens of the area voted in alphabetical order. True or not, and it's a great story, the new voter laws would not prevent alphabetical voting. Face it, the net effect of these laws is that fewer legitimate voters will get to vote. America has been electing presidents since G. Washington and no one has ever thought it necessary to show a photo (during the 1880's maybe a daguerreotype or a lithograph).

If you really want to investigate voter fraud (which no one in the GOP wants to do), take a look at absentee ballots. Reports of ballots being "mislaid" are rampant.

It's not like anyone believed that these laws were anything but an attempt to keep poor and old people from voting but it's nice to see the State of Pennsylvania admit it. Pennsylvania's House Majority Leader Mike Turzai proclaimed that "this law will allow Mitt Romney to win the State of Pennsylvania". WOW! I might expect that from Rick Perry or Nikki Haley but Pennsylvania is a light blue moderate state.

But just in case you think that voter suppression is a "southern" thing, consider the inventive policies of the Attorney General of Ohio. Under the supervision of AG Mike DeWine, Ohio is attempting to stifle early voting. Some clever dick in the GOP noticed that the lines of early voters outside polling places in 2008 had an inordinate number of, let's say, people of color. The Secretary of State has actually tried to limit voting hours in districts that vote Democratic. The Republicans are especially interested in keeping the polls closed on the weekend before election day when an estimated 93,000 voters hit the polls in 2008. The thinking goes that if lower income workers are unable to get time off to vote on Tuesday Romney has a better shot. Sharpies in the Secretary of State's office have said that only military personnel can vote on the weekend so attempts to change that statute are framed as anti-soldier. This cesspool of an idea has caused even the Governor to hold his nose. Plans are in the works to make this transparent tactic look less like stacking the deck. Good luck with that. I understand that Oklahoma is thinking of having black and Latino voters cast ballots on a moving bus.

...or is Romney's choice for VP another case of the bland leading the bland?

OK so lets take a look at this guy Paul Ryan. I keep reading how Ryan is the energizing force that will catapult the GOP to new heights of conservative glory. Paul Ryan is the cinnamon on the oatmeal that is Mitt Romney. He is the game-changer (where have I heard that before)? Ryan is the voice of fiscal responsibility. He has a plan.

Really? Well if Congressman Ryan is such a reign-in-the-budget, stop-the-spending, screw-the- poor and darling of the teabagger crowd, let's take a fast look at his voting record. Since his election in 1998, Congressman Ryan has voted with his party 93% of the time. He's a follower, hardly a leader. He voted for the Bush tax cuts and the extension of those tax cuts which, without a concomitant change in government spending, added 3 trillion to the National Debt. He voted for the bailout of General Motors and Chrylser as well as the hated TARP program. Ryan voted for the Medicare Part D drug program, a very costly increase in the social safety net. He voted to authorize the President to use military force in Afghanistan and Iraq, wars that were fought on credit. Ryan may be a nice guy with a solid moral core but there is nothing in his voting record in 15 years in the House of Representatives that would give rise to any notion that he is a fiscal conservative.

Ryan's reputation as a deficit hawk is, so far as I can tell, exclusively a product of spin. The dreaded main-stream media, reviled by all true Foxies, has created the myth of "Paul Ryan, Enemy of All Government Spending". This media creation is based almost exclusively on the "Ryan Plan" which is a budget proposal that: 1) increases defense spending, 2) lowers taxes for the very wealthy, and 3) decimates every social program from food stamps to Medicare. The cuts are so dractic even the Council of Catholic Bishops is opposed. Ryan is famous for having proposed this program chiefly because no other Republican has proposed anything more substantial than a coffee break in 3 1/2 years. With 240 GOP Congressmen sitting around picking lint from their navels, Ryan looks like the reincarnation of Adam Smith.

Still you have to give the Romney people credit for choosing in the VP candidate, a person with the perfect blend of bland but not too bland...like a Honda but with a racing stripe and extra cup holders. Romney isn't in the same boat as John McCain was in 2008. Old John was so desperate to add life to his funereal campaign, he chose someone who made everyone think "boob" but not always for the same reason. Sarah Palin's sell-by date could be measured in weeks. Romney is in a different situation.

He's a wooden Indian. If he has a plan for growing the economy or curbing illegal immigration or reducing spending or, well anything, he's kept it a pretty good secret up to now. His campaign to win the GOP nomination was, at times, eclipsed by Donald Trump, Herman Cain, and Newt Gingrich: the Groucho, Chico and Harpo of American politics. Like the Russians against Napoleon, he didn't so much win as outlast his enemies. In a field of candidates that resembled a casting call for a perverse reality show, Mitt was rarely able to garner more than 35% of the vote. His own party approached his selection the way a customer buys expensive cheese; Romney smelled the least bad.

Having managed to prevail against the lost battalion of potential candidates, Mitt needed to chose a running mate who wouldn't cast him in the shadows. No easy task that. In almost five years of campaigning, Governor Mitt has displayed all the charm and charisma of a white bread sandwich. He looked at Cris Christie but his shadow speaks for itself. Tim Paulenty and Rob Portman were possibilities but it helps if the the candidates are distinguishable by something more substantial than the color of their ties. Marco Rubio of Florida was in the mix but Marco has been tripping over his own back-story (His family fled Castro's Cuba five years before Fidel took power. oops!) Tragically, Rubio is what passed for "color" in the GOP, John Boehner notwithstanding. Mitt might have tried for a woman but Condoleezza Rice told him no and Jan Brewer was too busy ruining the State of Arizona to help out.

Ryan might actually help Romney win Wisconsin which went for Obama in '08. They're an independent bunch up there. They gave America Joe McCarthy and Bill Proxmire. Wisconsin voters defy pigeonholing. They also sometimes defy logic. They elected Scott Walker as Governor, tried to recall him then changed their minds. As long as Wiscinsin's seniors don't read too deeply about what Paul Ryan intends to do to their Medicare, Romney's VP choice should work out fine. At least Mitt won't have to worry about whether Ryan can see Russia from his back porch. He lives in Janesville.

...or is the Olympics held in the summer to give NBC something in prime time someone might actually watch?

By now it should be obvious that the Olympics is held only once every four years because no one wants to watch Greco-Roman wrestling any more often than that. It seems apparent that, if the Greeks had envisioned the inclusion of synchronized diving, handball and dressage as part of their beloved games, they might have chucked the entire idea and invented beach volleyball instead. Seriously, if your sport is broadcast on Telemundo at five in the morning (men's field hockey) or Bravo at midnight (tennis) don't plan to challenge the Superbowl for viewers any time soon.

Actually the Olympics are great. The opening ceremony was breathtaking...if a little long. Memo to the planners for Rio - 2016: If the contingent of athletes from a given country would fit comfortably in a booth at Sizzler, they don't get to march in by themselves. Put them in groups by continent. Everyone wants to root for their country, even if they haven't the first clue what sport they're watching. We chant USA! USA! during water polo while fourteen tall guys tread water and bounce a ball off each others heads. We watch with wonder at fencing where the trick seems to be to figure out which guy/gal in white is from your country before they get "touched". That takes about three nanoseconds. (When I was young, touching for three nanoseconds was called sex.)

NBC is broadcasting as much of the Games as anyone is likely to want. The geeks may complain about streaming and tape delays but most of us want prime time on the big screen. From archery to trampoline it's all there. Naturally NBC has maintained the personality of the various cable stations by scheduling the events on the venues that represent the closest fit. The primary network, regular broadcast NBC, has the MOR stuff: swimming, gymnastics, track and field. MSNBC, the liberal station, has fencing, sailing, badminton. You know, elitist stuff. Telemundo is featuring soccer, weightlifting and cycling; all that foreign stuff. Bravo has judo, wrestling, and synchronized swimming. How very butch!

All of these events spread out over two weeks begs the age-old question: How many of these contests are actually sports? The discussion should properly begin with the Greeks. They got together every four years beginning in 776 B.C. and had a race. ("B.C." That's "Before Costas") The winner's name was inscribed on a tablet which is still visible today. (See also, the Birth of Cybermetrics.) Like the Olympics of today, the Greeks added events to the competition as the Olympic idea gained traction. (Mass Suicide was added briefly by the Spartans but was discontinued due to the difficulty in obtaining veteran coaches.) However, the "sports" that were included tended to be along the lines of war stuff (shooting arrows, throwing spears) and contests that involved running. They also had wrestling but all that groping was mostly for the "light in the sandals" crowd. Any self respecting Greek who suggested table tennis or beach volleyball would have been laughed all the way to Helios. These games endured until about 393 AD when the Roman emperor stopped all pagan rituals...at least ones without name sponsors. (The French tried to reinvigorate the Games during the Revolution in 1796 but competitive head-tossing never caught on.)

The Greeks got the games going again in 1820 but it wasn't until 1896 that the so-called modern games were organized in Athens by Baron Pierre de Coubertin, a Frenchman with a lot of time on his hands. Since then the Games have grown from 571 athletes and 14 countries to 10,500 athletes from 204 nations. The number of events has also grown because the host country is allowed to introduce a new contest as part of the hosting honor. Some, like basketball, have endured. Others, like tug of war and softball, not so much. A few countries have included events that were clearly proposed as a joke. There's no other way to explain rhythmic gymnastics and wishu.

Anyway back to the original question to wit, what constitutes a "sport"? We can all agree that running, jumping (with or without a pole), throwing stuff and fighting are sports. Toss in swimming (running in water) and rowing (running in a canoe), cycling (running on a bike) and even some gymnastics. Rings are just flat-out cool. We can also probably agree that stuff like gymnastic floor exercises, table tennis and dressage are not sports. They might require years of practice and incredible physical conditioning but so does Donkey Kong and tango-dancing. Dedication to perfection is laudable but not always sport. Beyond that, intelligent people can differ.

I'm not sure shooting qualifies as sport unless the contestants were shooting at each other however, if guns were around in 776 BC you can bet the Greeks would have been competing. Also any event where the women's competition is more interesting to watch than the men's should be out. Field hockey, volleyball (beach and otherwise), badminton... gone. You might as well leave sailing in. Absolutely no one pays attention anyway. Any event that awards style points should be shown the door. I'm pretty sure that the Greeks weren't holding up little tablets that said "8.25" over the mangled body of a wrestler who finished second.

It seems clear that the Olympics has, in keeping with Parkinson's Law, expanded to fill the number of cable stations allotted for its coverage. Whether anyone is watching horses dance or pre-pubescent girls endanger their reproductive parts on the uneven bars is very much beside the point. If there's a Team USA competing, NBC is covering. So let's all watch the equestrian events in hopes of seeing Ann Romney's horse's rump. No, not that one. The four-legged one in the Olympics.

...or is the only time to talk about gun control when it's not the right time?

About the only thing upon which the NRA and the rest of us can agree is that serious, enforced gun laws probably wouldn't have prevented James Eagan Holmes from shooting 70 people in an Aurora, CO theater. We can also agree that the shootings at Virginia Tech, Columbine, and everywhere else associated with senseless slaughter would most likely have occurred regardless of any weapons restrictions. Beyond that there is no agreement.

I realize that the Supreme Court rulings in McDonald and Heller pretty much ended the conversation on the Second Amendment. Your right to own, carry, conceal, stockpile, and defend yourself with a firearm is, for the foreseeable future, settled law...much good may it ever do you. However, the notion that it's too soon to debate our easy access to weapons, including assault weapons, and its effect on our society is not just wrong it's heinous. For a loudmouth like Chris Christie to suggest that we should not "politicize" the tragedy in Aurora is to imply that constructive dialogue about guns in America is somehow a political issue like taxes or foreign policy. That's bullshit. We can and should talk about this while the smell of cordite is still fresh in the noses of the survivors.

Hell, theater owners are working toward a ban on costumes in theaters. That's like banning all underwear on airplanes. Does anyone think that preventing geeks from dressing up as Batman or Frodo will prevent the next senseless act of violence? Nevertheless theater owners haven't called a press conference to moan that "it's too soon" to talk about precautions to improve the safety of moviegoers. At least they are trying to think of something. The gun lobby and all who serve them are only interested in covering their own asses. The gun gang doesn't even wait for someone in power to mention gun ownership. They send their mouthpieces straight to Fox News to decry any and all who would "use this tragedy to further their anti-Second Amendment agenda".

Talking about gun laws won't result in any change in America's love affair with firearms. No amount of carnage will cause one Congressman or one Senator to change his/her stance on guns. But make no mistake this is not a political issue...it's a money issue. The NRA funds all of the Republicans and most of the Western states' Democrats. Besides, there's no public outcry to curtail gun ownership. There is no serious counterbalancing force to compete with the gun lobby.

Jeez, one moron Congressman suggested that if the theatergoers in Aurora were all packing, there would have been fewer patrons killed. All those who think that a shootout in a packed theater would have been a good idea please kill yourselves now.

It is baffling to think that, after 9/11, our response was to shred our Constitutional rights to privacy in a panicked effort to protect ourselves from another attack. We began to hate all things Muslim. We rounded up and imprisoned suspected terrorists all over the world. Some are still in jail. Does anyone doubt that if the Aurora, CO shooter had been an Iranian or Pakistani our rage would have been uncontrollable? Why is it then that we can't muster the slightest scintilla of indignation toward gun sellers or the politicians who pander to them? Where is the outrage?

Reasonable people can agree that, if we can monitor the purchase of fertilizer or dynamite, we can certainly keep track of people who stockpile ammunition. There are clearly no legitimate reasons to own thousands of rounds for an assault rifle. The "slippery slope " argument is crap. There are fifty restrictions we could logically apply to gun ownership without ever curtailing the sacred right to own a gun...or several guns. Suppose we ask the President to sign an oath that he will never sign an anti-gun bill? Would that encourage the NRA to green light mandatory trigger-guards or chemical tagging of gunpowder? Sure it will. Just not in your lifetime.

...or is modern Conservatism suffering from oxygen deprivation?

Liberals are smarter than Conservatives and I can prove it.

Just a few simple questions will establish what we have assumed for years: namely that too much Fox News can have a detrimental effect on your brain. Repeated exposure to Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly Neil Cavuto, Gretchen Carlson, Steve Doocy and the rest can permanently corrupt parts of the frontal lobe (higher brain function), the temporal lobe (controls memory) and the cerebellum (balance). There can be little doubt that this is not a nature/nurture issue. No one is born conservative. It happens over time, like hemorrhoids. And left untreated the symptoms can go from mildly Foxified to the more serious Foxanoma; and as we all know...you can't fix Foxanoma.

It's true that there still exists a small breed of conservatives called Classic Conservatives. They roamed freely throughout most of the 20th century. These are the small government, low taxes brand of the species who understood the need for compromise. They accepted the possibility that the other side might have an idea worth considering. They actually worked with people with whom they disagreed. What a quaint notion! Their leaders included the likes of Barry Goldwater and William F. Buckley. Even John McCain might have been included in their ranks. Tragically the few ClassicCons that exist today are being hunted to extinction. Richard Lugar of Indiana is only the most recent casualty.

I know, you think I'm being harsh. After all some of your best friends... If that's true then it's not too late. You can still save some of them. But you must stage an intervention. Otherwise you're an enabler. Make them answer the following question to show your friends the error of their ways.

I suggest using a crayon.

The answer to each question is

A- liberal

or

B- conservative

Which group contains the greatest number of people who:

1) don't believe in evolution?

2) believe that homosexuality is a conscious choice?

3) believe that the current President is not a natural-born citizen of the U.S.?

4) believe that the current president is a Muslim?

4a) believe that the current President is under the spell of an anti-American radical Christian preacher from Chicago? (hint it's apparently possible to believe both 4 and 4a.)

5) believe that the current President is a socialist, communist or fascist?

6) believe that the Affordable Care Act is a government take-over of healthcare?

7) believe that deficits have only started to rise since 2008?

8) are convinced that the current administration intends to remove all firearms from private hands? (include cold, dead hands in answer.)

9) believe that requiring photo ID for voting is an honest effort to curb voter fraud?

10) believe Trayvon Martin should have been more accommodating to George Zimmerman?

11) believe there is a global conspiracy among "so called climate scientists" to delude the people into believing in climate change?

12) believe all media except for Fox is liberally bias and in the tank for Barack Obama?

13) (and a bonus question for you oldsters) believe Jane Fonda should be arrested as a traitor and collaborator?

By this time your conservative friend has either walked out or fired off a series of tu quoque statements about MSNBC and what a slime Al Sharpton is. No matter, the point has been made.

True, not all conservatives believe all of this crap but damn few are willing to go on the record in opposition. When was the last time Mitt Romney stood in front of the American people and disavowed those among his followers who think that Barack Obama is a Kenyan or that gays are people and deserve the right to marry?

The point is if you believe that Jeremiah Wright is the President's guru, and Obama is coming for your guns, and climate change is junk science, then face it, you just might be a Tea Party wingnut and... none too bright.

...or have college sports become too big to be run by colleges?

There's nothing new here.

If anyone out there thinks that the horrific events unfolding at Penn State are unusual, uncommon or without precedent, you were probably born during the Clinton Administration. True, none of the past scandals involved pedophiles but they were nevertheless symptomatic of the hold that college sports has over the American landscape. Stories like this are never about the actual incident (or in this case, many incidents). Students with exceptional skills will continue to drive drunk, beat up their girlfriends and take money for work not performed. (Hell, I did that for 37 years and never made the papers once!)

No. The real story is how the institution deals with the issue. It's about how the situation gets handled or doesn't get handled. It's about morals vs. money, about reputation vs. doing the right thing. It's about protecting the institution vs. protecting the victims. On every level Penn State and its administration went the wrong way and no penalty from the NCAA, the courts or the public will seem too severe.

This isn't about pro sports. People who get paid to entertain, including politicians, are going to get a pass once in a while. Celebrity has perks. Some of those perks include reporters routing through your trash, following your children around the playground and interviewing your college girlfriend to find out how good you were in the sack. If that sounds like a fair trade for getting a good table at a fine restaurant, go run for someone or for something. Entertainers are also going to get into trouble and their peccadilloes, unlike yours, will make the news. Their rise and fall stories are interesting but not indicative of anything. Lawrence Taylor's predilection for underage hookers or Tiger Woods' adventures with cocktail waitresses are titillating stories but hardly an indictment of pro football or the PGA tour. College sports however is an entirely different can of worms.

Let's start with the "college" part. No college, with the possible exception of Brigham Young, was ever founded to be a sports mecca. Universities were created to: 1) Meet chicks/guys, 2) learn to drink dangerous quantities of cheap alcohol, 3) eat the kinds of foods you will spend the rest of your life warning your children about and, if there's time, 4) learning something. Prior to 1869 there was no college football. The first game, Rutgers - Princeton, was attended by fewer people than you might see in the waiting room of your dentist's office. Colleges were fine without big time athletic programs. With most colleges and universities charging $40, 000 to $50,000 a year, (before you buy the first blue book) it's hard to understand why any school needs the headache of a Quintin Daley or Lawrence Phillips. More about Mr. Daley in a moment.

Schools must learn to live without both the revenue and the scandals. True, many schools have, at least on the surface maintained a "clean program". As a matter of fact, Penn State before Jerry Sandusky and his affectations was just such a program. Show me a clean program in big-time college sports and I'll show you a program that has yet to be caught. Unlike the pros, college reputations matter. Southern Methodist University in Dallas received the so-called death penalty from the NCAA for paying players and 25 years later it is still a black mark on its escutcheon. (SMU was so desperate to be known for something else they agreed to be the home of the George W. Bush Library. Now that's desperation.)

The University of San Francisco, having given the world Bill Russell, was justly proud of its basketball program. However, when a series of recruiting incidents culminated with the criminal assault of a female student by one Quintin Daley, the hottest pro prospect in the country, the Jesuits who run USF didn't hesitate. They offered to honor all basketball scholarships if a team member wished to stay, wished bon chance to the others and padlocked the gym for three years. The squeak of sneakers on a hardwood floor went unheard from 1982 to 1985. As a person who rarely has anything nice to say about the actions of the RCC, the decision by Rev. John LoShiavo took real courage.

Penn State must suspend its football program. Either you are a proud university with an impressive record of academic achievement or you are a punch-line school that is nothing more than a feeder operation for pro football. Yes, thousands of innocent restaurant owners, vendors and athletes will be punished for a crime in which they never took part but there is a bigger issue here. The football program at Penn State was used as an excuse for the most vile crime the human mind can contempalte...violation of a child. Jerry Sandusky was given free reign to molest kids at will exclusively because he was attached to football. He used his football access as bait. Outsized crime requires outsized punishment. Penn State must melt down the Paterno statue and the football program he represented.

...or is there hope for the gang from SCOTUS?

If Jack Kennedy were still alive (yeah I know, he'd be 95) he would be required to pen a second edition of "Profiles in Courage" to include Chief Justice John Roberts. The Chief of the Supremes has shown more cajones with one decision than Clarence Thomas has in 22 years of pushing in Antonin Scalia's stool. Seriously, who knew? Prior to this, the biggest contribution from Chief Justice Roberts was to bring the donuts on the first Monday in October. Whether you approve of the Chief's decision or not, attention must be paid to a jurist who can find a way, in law, to do what he thought was right in practice. Scalia must have swallowed his rosary beads. The three witches of Liberalism probably offered to do Robert's laundry for a year.

The decision was such a surprise that CNN and Fox had a "Dewey Defeats Truman" moment and announced for the losing side. Memo to CNN...the adage is "Get it Right then Get it First". Naturally, Fox just assumed the decision would go against the President. In the past year they have done everything short of send hookers into the SCOTUS chambers in order to influence the decision. Roger Ailes is now rereading his "Goebbles Little Red Book of Propaganda" to see where he slipped up. Greta Van Susteren was so flustered, she forget which side of her face to talk out of.

Why was this decision such a shock? Well probably because it was the first decision handed down by the Roberts Court that took into account whether they were acting fairly. Virtually all of the previous 5 to 4 decisions (Second Amendment, Citizens United, etc.) were decided to imprint American Law with the ideology of Antonin Scalia. While Scalia communed with the ghosts of Madison and Jefferson, the law veered dangerously to the right. (It's just amazing how the Founding Fathers always seem to be supporting the Tea Party views of Justice Scalia. A cynic might think that Scalia was bending the words of the FF to conform to his will.) There's little doubt that the Scalia/Roberts Court would never have approved civil rights legislation (Brown v. Board of Ed.) or interracial marriage (Loving v. Virginia).

Now however, hope springs eternal. Considering that the Court is scheduled to hear the case against the poisonous Defense of Marriage Act and the constitutionality of voter ID laws, at least there is a chance that someone on the Court will look at fairness and common sense instead of the Federalist Papers and Fox and Friends. Roberts has shown a respect for the bizarre notion that's it's 2012 not 1789. The Founders gave us a constitution on paper as a guide not tablets carved in marble as Mosaic Law. So three cheers for Chief Justice Roberts, for he's a jolly good fellow. So what if Sam Alito and Clarence Thomas won't sit at his table for lunch anymore. All the pretty girls are at the liberal table anyway.

or did the Roman Catholic Church recently leap ahead of Islam in the race to the twelfth century?

Exorcism is back in the news this week. No, not the new attempt to bring William Peter Blatty's book/movie to Broadway. (How would you like to be in a play where you get a kisser full of projectile vomit six days a week? Twice on Weds and Sats.) No, not the faux attempt to rid the church of pedophile priests. That effort would take the combined skills of Max Von Sydow and David Copperfield. No, this story involves an adventurous priest named Rev. Thomas J. Euteneuer.

Father Euteneuer is in the news for attempting an exorcism on a woman in Arlington, VA. The good reverend ran into trouble because the spiritual technique he employed involved the use of his trouser snake. It seemed that the only way Father Euteneuer could exorcise the demon was to push him out with his johnson. These exorcism sessions went on for two years (some demons are craftier than others. Apparently this one was hiding in the lady's who-ha.)

Even the dumbest of believers gets the message eventually and the woman in question (her name has not been released) finally determined that sexual contact might be helping Father Euteneuer with his demon, but it wasn't doing her much good. Adding insult to injury, when the possessed woman had had enough, she took her complaint to, wait for it, the archdiocese of Palm Beach, Fl where Father Euteneuer makes his home. In a parallel universe, the archbishop would immediately call the PBPD and the Rev. gets hauled off in irons to receive a just prison sentence. Ah, but this is our Catholic Church and it appears the only time the clergy call the police is when someone tries to force them to dispense condoms. The woman was "counseled" and provided "spiritual assistance" (you might have thought she'd had enough of that) but the only action taken against Father Euteneuer was suspension of his rights and duties as a priest.

You see, Father Euteneuer has a high profile in the RCC. He was the the leader of Human Life International. This organization is one of the Church's vanguard groups fighting the good fight against abortion and all forms of family planning. (No one asked if intercourse by exorcism was part of the group's code of conduct.) Anxious to keep Father Euteneuer's rather exotic brand of exorcism on the down-low, the archdiocese of Palm Beach did nothing. I know, shocking, right? Anyway, the filing of a $5.3 million lawsuit naming the archbishop of Arlington, VA, where the Exorcist Motel is located, pretty much ended the Church's hopes for containment. (Father Euteneuer was not named in the suit. He had already settled with the woman out of court. It wasn't clear who got custody of the demon.) The archdiocese of Arlington denies that it gave Father Euteneuer permission to perform an exorcism. They didn't mention if they gave him permission to sthupp any member of the congregation.

The details of the seduction/exorcism are as distasteful as they are predictable. Reverend Euteneuer began with the usual laying on of hands and incantations. When that didn't work he tried whispering in the possessed woman's ear. Something like "come out come out wherever you are". When the demon refused to appear, the good father went in after him using his flashlight...again and again for two years. Points for stick-toitive-ness. He even bought the lady a house near his office and gave her a job at the HLI. All Linda Blair ever got was a face full of holy water. Hilariously, a spokesperson for HLI, one Stephen Phelan, swears that boinking and exorcising the membership was never within the scope of Reverend Euteneuer's employment. The fact that the HLI even needed to say it speaks volumes about the state of the RCC in the U.S.

So chalk up another solid gold scandal for our friends in Rome. The church that couldn't shoot straight will need all their fingers to point at the Health and Human Services Administration and the manufactured War on Religion. Anything to avoid dealing with the issue of who is really possessed and where the demons really live.

...or might George Washington's family have objected to his monument as too phallic?

The city of Washington, famed the world over for its ability to turn a square into a parallelepiped still manages to get one thing right...all the time: the architecture. Washington is beautiful. Designer Pierre L'Enfant along with Thomas Jefferson and Washington himself laid out a grand plan which has only become more elegant and regal with time. From the Capitol building at the east end of the National Mall to the new United States Institute of Peace; building, height, architecture and suitability have always trumped fashion and whim. (It can't be an accident that the Institute of Peace is as far from the Congress as it's possible to get.) Every new monument and memorial is chosen with great care and deliberation. The city honors very few politicians or statesmen. Of the 44 Presidents thus far elected, only a handful have monuments in D.C. (Some like Woodrow Wilson have a bridge but it wasn't built for him. Reagan has an airport and a building. I have no idea why.) There is, only now, a monument planned for John Adams. Apparently a best-selling book and an HBO special can work wonders.

As you might expect, each attempt to memorialize a famous person or event carries its own challenges. The Vietnam Memorial, near the Lincoln Memorial, was highly controversial. Currently considered one of the most evocative structures in the entire Capital, Vietnam was roundly condemned when first proposed. Reagan's Secretary of State James Watt refused to issue the building permit. The newest major memorial, dedicated to America's casualties of World War II was lambasted in the Philadelphia Inquirer as "a design favored by Hitler and Mussolini". Everybody's a critic. Thankfully, because decisions are not made lightly or quickly, the National Capital Planning Commission gets it right almost all the time.

Monuments and statues are not erected in every available square inch of open space. The ridiculous, out-sized adoration of Ronald W. Reagan notwithstanding, time is allowed to pass before the Capital builders and planners reach for their pencils and trowels. (Geez, Reagan wasn't even dead in 1998 when Clinton authorized the airport name change.) This brings us to the planning for the Dwight D. Eisenhower Memorial. Congress approved the formation of a committee to design a suitable tribute and decide where to put it. That happened in 1999. (I told you this stuff takes time.) The committee set to work and immediately got into trouble. (Well, almost immediately.) They chose a site in 2005 and hired Frank Gehry in 2009 to design the monument. If you have been to Chicago (Millennium Park), Bilbao, Spain (Guggenheim Museum) or Los Angeles (The Walt Disney Concert Hall) you have seen Gehry's incredible work. OK so maybe it looks like he gets a deal on curved aluminum sheeting but so what.

Anyway Gehry designs the monument. Planned for a four acre site south of the Mall on Maryland and Independence near the Air and Space Museum, the memorial was to feature a series of large columns and framed steel tapestries detailing Ike's many accomplishments. The focus is Eisenhower's boyhood home in Kansas. There will also be a statue of a farm boy sitting on a plank. The design was unanimously approved by the Eisenhower Memorial Commission and the Architects of the Capital. Then the plans were presented to the Eisenhower family. The response was predictable

Decedents, like the Eisenhowers, see their ancestor as this Homeric figure mounted on a white charger vanquishing the enemy. They care nothing for aesthetics or, God forbid, art. No doubt the Eisenhower offspring envisioned their grandfather as crushing the Nazis and Japanese with one hand while signing the National Highway Act with the other. Where was the statue of Ike with his five stars? Where was the 34th President negotiating the truce in Korea? Where was the President who used the National Guard to desegregate Alabama schools? They wanted Abe Lincoln and they got Opie..

There is a reason that family members aren't involved in the design of monuments...they are a monumental pain in the ass. Anyone who watched the survivors of 9-11 preen and insinuate themselves throughout every phase of the memorial planning knows why blood and art don't mix. (Seriously, I know this is N.Y. heresy but on what planet should surviving spouses and siblings pass judgement on public architecture?) What we need from the relatives is to show up at the ribbon-cutting, say something profound and go home.

David Eisenhower, who actually was on the Commission for a time, quit when his vision wasn't being realized. Susan Eisenhower has been blogging non-stop regarding her objections. Naturally, it's bad form to attack a world famous designer like Gehry on artistic grounds so she has instead criticized such things as the cost of building materials and specific references in the text to Hitler, Mao and Stalin. Mr. Gehry, who needs this like he needs a second Medal of Freedom, was sanguine and, in fact, made a few changes. This has mollified the heirs a bit however they are still unhappy with the overall plan. At this rate the memorial will be completed just in time for the D-Day Centennial in 2044. City architects are being patient but they appear close to suggesting a replacement tribute to Warren Harding. He may have been a crook but at least most of his relatives are dead.

...or has the Vatican Council given way to the Vatican Counsel?

The headline should be "Catholic Bishops Discover the American Legal System". It's true. After two decades of acting as if the courts were some leper colony to be avoided at all costs, America's Catholic bishops have suddenly come to the realization that the Church can actually appear in front of a judge as something other than defendants. Having spent untold millions on legal fees and out of court settlements (money donated by good Catholics) the Church has decided that it can risk a few more pieces of silver to sue the Dept. of Health and Human Services. Specifically, the suit was filed by, among others, the University of Notre Dame, Catholic University and the Archdiocese of New York. (The fact that Cardinal Timothy Dolan is running for Pope played no part in this decision.)

The Church's position is that the HHS mandate that Catholic hospitals and schools provide employees with birth control and morning-after anti-pregnancy meds is somehow a violation of its right to practice its religion. In today's Washington Post, Cardinal Wuerl of Washington D.C. suggests that every church, school and hospital is an outward expression of faith and therefore equal in law. Were these institutions free-to-all, that argument might carry some weight. The fact that they are engaged in commerce clouds that picture. Nevertheless, this is America and the law allows for the fair hearing of grievances in front of a judge. Personally, I hope the RCC falls on its ass but what I think is of no consequence. (However it might be nice if the 95% of Catholics practicing birth control stopped acting soooo offended by the HHS and stood in opposition to bishops who have never missed a meal to feed a child.)

Of larger consequence is the galactic hypocrisy of a Church that, having avoided courts, lawyers and well, justice since its dirty little pedophiles started making news, is now marching into court with no hint of shame. Timothy Dolan couldn't find a courtroom with a map and a GPS device when the time came to prosecute priests for sex crimes with children. The bishops of Rome scurried like roaches when the lights of scandal came on. To this day in spite of tens of thousands of cases of child abuse not one priest has been marched into a precinct by a monsignor or bishop. The current case being tried in Philadelphia is a monument to church obfuscation and misdirection. Monsignor William Lynn, on trial for child endangerment after leaving known pedophiles in parish positions, has blamed everyone, including a dead cardinal, for the Church's neglect. Lynn is the only cleric to be hauled into court to face charges.

So now after twenty years of disgrace, denial and duplicity the Catholic Church has the unmitigated gall to use the legal system to make some obscure point about whether a hospital is a church. Far be it from me to suggest that Rome has decided the best defense is a good offense but check the facts. No archdiocese has sued any state to stop an execution even though the RCC is opposed to capital punishment. The Church hierarchy in Washington State has taken no legal action against that state's assisted suicide law. And we all thought Catholics took a dim view of assisted suicide. Face it. This suit against HHS is misdirection at its best. Timothy Dolan can appear righteously indignant for the NY media and piously defend his anti-birth control policies while never addressing the garbage cans under the piano. Pay no attention to that smell gentlemen. Instead focus your attention on those evil condoms. Seriously!

...or is the global village resulting in global bad behavior?

You can run but you can't hide:

If you have an aversion to crowds, stay away from Mt. Everest. A region formerly populated by only the most serious climbers is now chock-a-block with wannabees and so-called adventure tourists. The 220 deaths on the mountain since Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay made their historic climb in 1953 haven't deterred an army of "adventurers" with more money than sense. Fifty people reached the peak on Friday May 25 with an additional 100 waiting in line. Hold it a minute. Waiting line to reach the top of the world's highest peak? How crazy is that?

All of these climbers seem to have specialities: the first septuagenarian woman, the first blind person (when you meet him please ask him why; because it was there? How would he know?), the first person to ascend without oxygen. One Sherpa has made the accent 21 times. One can soon expect to read about: the first nudist, the first climber to go in the off-season (tougher climb but better rates) and the first person to tweet from the summit.

These climbers and their goofy goals have turned the base camps in Nepal (south base camp) and Tibet (north base camp) into a combination WalMart and landfill. At 5,000 ft. above sea level it requires several days of rest at these places in order to acclimatize, unless you are a Sherpa or a goat. (The primary difference seems to be the goats will climb the mountain at no charge.) As you might imagine, garbage pickup at that altitude is spotty. As a result the place is crammed with empty oxygen containers, Snickers wrappers and abandoned copies of the Mobil Guide to Fine Dining in Nepal/Tibet.

As experienced climbers like myself can tell you (Hey, I once climbed to the very top of Bunker Hill in Boston...without oxygen) climbing a mountain is tough but the return trip will get you killed. This peril is vastly increased by the traffic jam that has been created by all the would-be Hillarys. While you're waiting for your turn the weather can change from friggin' cold to really friggin' cold and your oxygen supply can give out. This is known in the climbing world as SOL or TFB. Either way there's a chance you will become part of the permanent exhibition to be oggled at by next year's crop of intrepid morons. Pretty soon the slope of Everest will look like the Hall of Statues in the Capital except these guys will be reclining.

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And on the subject of idiot tourism we now have too many people visiting the Titanic. That's right, the venerable wreck that remained comfortably undisturbed on the bottom of the Atlantic under 12,415 feet of water for 73 years is now the new "must see" destination. One pair of aqua-boneheads actually got married in a sub just above her decks. This wouldn't be such a problem except some treasure hunters are actually taking pieces home as souvenirs. That's like visiting King Tut's mummy and snicking off his pinkie for a necklace. I mean, would you visit the Great Wall with a chisel? No,wait, forget I asked.

Tourists, and by this I mean American tourists, can't just look at something special, take a picture and move on. They seem to require some tangible proof that they were at the site. I'd like to say that this started when the Berlin Wall came down but it's been going on a lot longer than that. The outer wall of the Tribune Tower in Chicago boasts a piece of the Vatican, the Great Wall, the Taj Mahal, the Alamo and Notre Dame Cathedral. Imagine if everyone helped themselves to a piece of history. The Great Pyramid would be a foundation; the Alamo would be a frozen custard stand and the Taj would be just another smelly town in Western India. You can no longer wander among the great stones of Stonehenge thanks to vandalism. People please...visit the site, take a picture, buy a tee shirt and then go home and bore your friends with tales of travel glory...if you must.

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And finally, a little closer to home we have the case of Mack Wolford. Reverend Mack was a Pentecostal pastor in West Virginia (all those surprised please raise your hands) who planned a good old-fashioned service for Sunday May 26 in an isolated state park. The Reverend envisioned lots of praying, speaking in tongues and, of course, snake handling. Tragically, he did not envision the surly temperament of the snake which bit him. The snake lived. Reverend Mack...not so much.

I know it's bad form to chuckle at the death of another human being and I'm sorry. But seriously, if you're going to handle snakes like they were puppies and then, having been bitten, refuse treatment, it's hard to be shocked and saddened. Wolford, in his defense, was only following the words of the Bible, specifically Mark 16: 17-18. The short version is that faith will save you from snake bites. The quote should probably be amended to read "Faith, and a good health plan, will..." It's not like this is the first time the serpent came out on top. Wolford's father was bitten and died in 1983. The quote that religious snake-handlers should read is from Forrest Gump 6:25-28 "...and the Lord said onto Forrest "Stupid is as stipid does". Amen and hallelujah.

...or should we all live by the motto that never does a man stand so tall than when he stoops to kick a friend?

Where are they now? Where are the flawed figures of the American experience who danced across the public stage, tripped over their metaphorical johnsons and limped into oblivion?

The question was prompted by an article in the Washington Post detailing the recent exploits of a woman whose lack of grace in public office was exceeded only by her complete disregard for the feelings of others. Perhaps you remember Kathleen Harris, former Secretary of State in Florida and disgraced candidate for Senator. It was Kathleen who certified the vote count for George W. Bush in Florida in 2000 despite the fact that only 537 votes separated the candidates. The fact that Ms. Harris was co-chair of the Bush For President effort in Florida clearly played no role in the decision.

Never one to shrink from public spectacle, Kathleen attempted to parlay her 15 minutes of fame into a run for the U.S. Senate. However, it turns out even the citizens of Florida aren't that senile. Her campaign was subtitled "Mr. Bean Runs For Office". Her staff quit, her chief sponsor was indicted and every newspaper and GOP politician in the state ran from her as though she were radioactive. She ultimately lost by a million votes.

Ms. Harris has resurfaced having had her face resurfaced. (OK, that's a cheap shot but this is a person who bought her cosmetics from Barnum and Bailey.) It seems that she and her husband, Swedish businessman Andeers Ebbison, are building a 23,000 sq ft eyesore just south of Sarasota. Proving once again that money buys neither happiness nor taste, the family Harris is receiving less than flattering notices for their Versailles on the Gulf. Although the chateau is seven times as large as the living quarters of the White House it is, after all, only twice as large as Mitt Romney's new beachfront digs in California.

People familiar with Harris' rough treatment of staff are holding a candlelight vigil for the workmen who will be forced to build the manse. More as the story develops.

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As long as we were strolling down memory lane, we thought we'd look in on our friend William Jefferson. Mr. Jefferson was the former Congressman from Louisiana who was unsuccessful at explaining to a federal judge how $75,000 in bribe money ended up next to the frozen peas in his freezer. On May 4th of this year Mr. Jefferson surrendered to the bureau of prisons in Beaumont, TX to begin serving his thirteen year sentence. Any latent feelings of pity for Dollar Bill Jefferson should be quickly ameliorated. Come Thanksgiving, Mr. Jefferson will be reunited with at least four of his friends and relatives all of whom have been convicted in related cases. Family is a beautiful thing.

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And what reunion would be complete without a quick check on our old friend Rev. Ted Haggard?

Ted is best remembered for being the anti-gay leader of the Council of Evangelicals who interpreted the scriptures to say "let the little children to come unto me...as long as they bring cocaine". Ted was a "hands-on" clergyman who was reluctant to condemn things he hadn't tried; so he tried everyone.

Reverend Ted is still a preacher in Colorado. His website includes a tell-all story from his wife Gayle called "Why I Stayed". The title is intriguing in that, having endured the indignity of her husband's outing as a drug-using, rent-boy renting degenerate, Gayle Haggard's ordeal was just beginning. In September of 2011 Mrs. Haggard was subjected to the ultimate shame of being "swapped" with the wife of Gary Busey on Celebrity Wife Swap. Take about grounds for divorce! Seriously, Gary Busey? Was Mickey Rourke's wife busy that weekend?

Nevertheless we wish Rev. Ted and his wife all the best. After all, what is Christianity if not forgiveness? For inspiration we turn to Luke 15 where it says" it is appropriate to be glad because your brother, once dead, is found...besides, he kills in the ratings".

...or do Virginia and France have a lot in common?

Virginia is a wonderful place to live. It has everything: temperate climate, vibrant cities, breathtaking vistas, proximity to the Nation's Capital and as much history as one could absorb in a lifetime. America started in Virginia (screw Boston). Four of our first five presidents were born here. Aside from the cuisine, which Virginia sadly retained from her British forebears, the place has everything. Unfortunately, Virginia, like France, is a victim of its indigenous population. In other words, Virginia would be paradise were it not for Virginians.

Don't take my word, look at the history:

Having spawned the ablest leader of its generation, Virginia chose sides poorly in the conflict of 1861 and forced Robert Edward Lee to play for the runner-up.

Virginia leads the country (and probably the world) in state-sponsored murder, known to you as court-ordered executions.

It was Virginia, attempting to justify its ban on interracial marriage, that prompted the Supreme Court to overthrow all such vestiges of Jim Crow (Loving v. Virginia).

Most recently, Virginia passed a law requiring an intrusive vaginal ultrasound for women seeking an abortion.

The state whose leaders gave the world a new meaning of freedom and self-government can never quite decide which end of the stick it wants to hold. Should Virginia be the state typified by the University of Virginia, a renowned seat of learning or by Liberty University, a renowned seat of reactionary intolerance? Does Virginia want to return to its place as the home of thought leaders or will it be content to be nothing but a gaggle of over-educated, Bible-thumping rednecks?

Yes, Virginia went for President Obama in 2008 but honestly, without the D.C. suburbs, most notably Fairfax County, Virginia is just Oklahoma with less dust and a lousier football team. That fact was vividly on display this week as the Virginia State Assembly finished up its housekeeping for the spring session. Among the docket items was the confirmation of three judges which required legislative approval. One appointee, C.L. "Clay" Athey is a proponent of carrying concealed weapons in public buildings. His approval was semi-automatic. Another appointee was Tracy Thorne-Begland whose public personae was a bit less "good ole boy". Mr. Thorne-Begland was a fighter pilot and Navy officer who challenged the Navy's ban on gay service more than twenty years ago. For his troubles, Mr. Thorne-Begland was honorably discharged...twice. He is currently a prosecutor in Richmond. Mr. Thorne-Begland was rejected by the Virginia House.

Naturally, everyone in Virginia who could see beyond their bigotry and Christian crapology thought Mr. Thorne-Begland would have made a fine judge. Even Governor Bob McDonald, hardly a rainbow activist, was dismayed at this blatant discrimination. (Bob apparently forgot his torpedoing of Verbena Askew, a lesbian judge from Newport News. Bob was a state assemblyman at the time. McDonald's quote in 2003 was "homosexuality raises questions about a person's qualification to be a judge". How quickly we forget.)

Predictably, Thorne-Begland's candidacy was opposed by the Family Foundation whose comments went along the lines of: ... inability to be objective... contrary to tradition..blah...Christian bullshit...blah, blah...right-wing bigotry...sleeping with goats...God's plan...guys kissing guys is icky...blah, blah. These people talk as if they were Amish. Why is progress in technology, science (not climate science, of course) medicine (except stem cells) and every other field of human endeavour acceptable but not progress in how we live together? What possible difference could it make to some baggy-pants legislator from Lynchburg how a judge in Richmond lives his life?

Memo to the Virginia Assembly: Your job is to pass laws and make decisions for the general well-being and prosperity of the residence of the Commonwealth. You were not elected to shove your bigoted religious beliefs up my nose. If I want someone to tell me how to live my life I'll call Dr. Phil. You are not in the Assembly to pass judgement on people who are different from you. We have Bill O'Reilly for that. And lastly, you are most certainly not in the Virginia Assembly to force women to have unnecessary, invasive, costly medical procedures. If your interest in the vagina is so all-consuming, become an OB-GYN. At least your probing will be by invitation.

...or will my Smartphone become self-aware before Newt Gingrich?

Things you don't need to care about and probably don't:

The French are holding an election for President. Because French politics is about as complicated as obtaining a Mexican drivers license (and about as interesting), we care only about the important stuff...like who has the hottest wife. Well, no contest here. Have you seen Carla Bruni, aka Mrs.Nicolas Sarcozy? She attracts a bigger crowd in Paris than the Louvre on "half price painting day". Mr. Sarcozy's opponent, Socialist Francois Hollande isn't even married. His "partner" for seventeen years was Segolene Royal who was defeated for President by Monsieur Sarcozy in 2007. (French politics is like an episode of Dallas without the big hair.) Hollande is currently chateau-ed -up with Valerie Trierweiler, a 47 year-old French journalist. Ms. Royal was 57, so an age upgrade there.

Unlike in the U.S., calling yourself a Socialist in France doesn't automatically consign you to laughing stock status on the debate stage. Should Mr. Hollande win (and he's looking good today) he will hardly be the first Socialist President of La Belle France. Think Francois Mitterrand who had the job for 14 years. Actually, Monsieur Hollande is a last minute replacement for New York's favorite hotel guest Dominique Strauss-Kahn. You may remember Mr. Strauss-Kahn as the gentleman who discovered a new way of expressing his appreciation to the chambermaids for good hotel service.

Anyway, if the Socialists win and the effort to roll back France's welfare state loses steam, France may wish to consider a rearmament of the Maginot Line. The Germans will be none too happy if their only real ally in the fight for European fiscal responsibility begins collaborating with the enemy. The Germans may feel the need to occupy Paris again; this time carrying briefcases.

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Because it's fashionable to complain about the customer service that American consumers receive today, allow me to interject my contrarian two-cents. In the last six months (I can't remember back much farther) I have dealt telephonically with service personal from at least 20+ companies. They range from retailers, insurance companies, the phone company (Verizon), internet providers and the electric co. Since most of the time we are calling to voice a complaint or at least correct a wrong, we are not often aware of the manner in which we are treated. I have discovered to my shock that the attention to service is amazingly high.

Seriously, every phone service person I speak to, Indian accents notwithstanding, is gracious, eager to help and surprising tolerant of my usually crappy attitude. I realize when I'm asked if "they have handled my problem" that the words are scripted but at least someone wrote a script and encouraged the service people to follow it. Even when my issue is beyond their competence, the phone people are solicitous and pleasant. There are a lot of ways to tell someone their request is unreasonable and customer service trainers appear to have hit most of them. I can tolerate being told I'm an asshole (God knows it happens often enough) as long as the revelation results in a resolution of the situation. So the next time you are forced to call Allstate about a claim or HP because your printer won't fax, pay attention to the way you are treated. It might be the least contentious conversation you have all day.