Never has the hand of God been seen more clearly than in the Almighty's attempts to disrupt the Republican National Convention scheduled to begin today in Tampa, FL.
This is not the first time that the Supreme Being has used weather to send a message to the GOP. No one remembers the 2008 Republican Convention for anything except the birth of Sarah Palin (she was born fully formed from the brain of John McCain). What everyone forgets is that there was an attempt at Divine Intervention there as well. The convention was held in St. Paul, MN which as we all know, is not exactly hurricane central. Nevertheless the expected, or unexpected arrival of Hurricane Gustav caused several departures from the original schedule of events.Although the message the Almighty was attempting to convey, "send that moron in the red suit and glasses back to Alaska" went unheeded, he was at least able to keep George W. Bush from speaking live at the convention. (The sigh of relief was audible in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.) Absolutely no one in the GOP wanted the words "George W. Bush" and "hurricane" uttered in the same sentence. Instead "W" addressed the convention via satellite from an undisclosed, secure location. God was apparently satisfied that the Republicans got part of the message and the storm passed several hundred miles to the east.
Now we arrive at the 2012 edition of the Republican National Confab. Having learned exactly nothing from their brush with disaster in '08, the GOP decided to hold this year's party in Tampa, Florida...on the coast...in August. Jeez! Why not the Bermuda Triangle? Well, God knows a gauntlet when one is thrown down and He was ready. This time, in case anyone missed the subtlety, the storm is named Isaac, as in son of Abraham (presumably calling it Yahweh was a bit showy). The Almighty's efforts are having a much more profound impact this time around. The storm has already forced the cancellation of the worst speaker to address a convention since Pat Buchanan told Republicans it was OK to be racist in 1992. Donald Trump is out. (For the love of God, who thought this chowderhead would add anything but derision to the GOP message?)
Rumor has it that Trump attempted to bribe God into sending the hurricane to North Carolina next week but the Almighty wasn't having any (the Dems are convening in Charlotte on Sept 4th).
Everybody's favorite religious asshat, Michele Bachmann, was, as usual, ready to interpret the meteorological message from On-High. Ms. Bachmann has been the GOP's go-to medium for divining God"s messages in storms and various teapot tempests. It was Rep. Bachmann who, in 2011, famously proffered that the east coast earthquake and Hurricane Irene were messages from The Almighty to Washington. "I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of politicians." The possibility that God was telling Republicans to leave National Healthcare alone never crossed her mind. (If a butterfly flapping its wings in Mongolia can cause the Santa Ana winds in Mexico, how much damage must Michele Bachmann's flapping mouth be causing in Asia?)
The prophet from Minnesota's Sixth has delved deep into her crystal and has seen God's metaphorical hand in the weather plaguing Florida this week. Speaking to the Florida Family Policy Council, Michele suggested that "...we are looking at a political hurricane in our land." WOW! Move over Nostradamus. Fortunately for the attendees at the Convention, Rep. Bachmann will get no closer to the speakers rostrum than she is today, which is a parking lot at the Olive Garden. Still, delegates crazy enough to sit in the convention hall throughout Tuesday and Wednesday will suffer speeches from Scot Walker of Wisconsin, Bob McDonald of Virginia, Rick Santorum from Bethlehem, Bobby Jindal from The Big Bang Theory, and Newt Gingrich from The Dating Game. In an attempt at whimsy the GOP plans to schedule Rob Portman, Tim Paulenty and Connie Mack but not announce who will speak when. Delegates will then be quizzed as to which is which. Prizes will be awarded.
The featured speakers will include Chris Christie who will reinforce his credentials to be President at the same time the engineers at the convention reinforce the stage. Nikki Haley, Governor of South Carolina, will speak about life in the craziest state in the Union and Marco Rubio will discuss how his family escaped Castro's Cuba three years before Castro's Cuba actually was Castro's Cuba. (Maybe Michele Bachmann saw Castro's eventual rise in a storm cloud and warned the Rubios.)
Sadly, the real fun-lovers like Sharron Angle, Sarah Palin, Christine O'Donnell, Herman Cain and Todd Akin will be missing from the program. No one wants to be reminded about how batshit this crowd really is. Only serious politicians like Callista Gingrich, Newt's current accessory and Luce Vela, first lady of Puerto Rico are allowed to address the throng. Susana Martinez Governor of New Mexico will also speak, assuming she can prove who she is and how she got here.
So have a ball you Republicans. Nominate Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Have a balloon drop and a party and try to ignore the 500 pound elephant in the room...no, not Chris Christie. The fact is that after four years of vilifying Barack Obama and attempting to pander to the worst of the teabaggers bigotry and hate, you are still the party of old, cranky, white rich people. Blacks hate you, Latinos hate you, women should hate you and kids laugh at you. The Republican party is the best thing to ever happen to John Stewart.
Republicans should heed the words of the Commander of the Host who was chasing Moses across the Red Sea in The Ten Commandments. He said "Let us go from this place. Men cannot fight against a God."
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