By now it should be obvious that the Olympics is held only once every four years because no one wants to watch Greco-Roman wrestling any more often than that. It seems apparent that, if the Greeks had envisioned the inclusion of synchronized diving, handball and dressage as part of their beloved games, they might have chucked the entire idea and invented beach volleyball instead. Seriously, if your sport is broadcast on Telemundo at five in the morning (men's field hockey) or Bravo at midnight (tennis) don't plan to challenge the Superbowl for viewers any time soon.
Actually the Olympics are great. The opening ceremony was breathtaking...if a little long. Memo to the planners for Rio - 2016: If the contingent of athletes from a given country would fit comfortably in a booth at Sizzler, they don't get to march in by themselves. Put them in groups by continent. Everyone wants to root for their country, even if they haven't the first clue what sport they're watching. We chant USA! USA! during water polo while fourteen tall guys tread water and bounce a ball off each others heads. We watch with wonder at fencing where the trick seems to be to figure out which guy/gal in white is from your country before they get "touched". That takes about three nanoseconds. (When I was young, touching for three nanoseconds was called sex.)
NBC is broadcasting as much of the Games as anyone is likely to want. The geeks may complain about streaming and tape delays but most of us want prime time on the big screen. From archery to trampoline it's all there. Naturally NBC has maintained the personality of the various cable stations by scheduling the events on the venues that represent the closest fit. The primary network, regular broadcast NBC, has the MOR stuff: swimming, gymnastics, track and field. MSNBC, the liberal station, has fencing, sailing, badminton. You know, elitist stuff. Telemundo is featuring soccer, weightlifting and cycling; all that foreign stuff. Bravo has judo, wrestling, and synchronized swimming. How very butch!
All of these events spread out over two weeks begs the age-old question: How many of these contests are actually sports? The discussion should properly begin with the Greeks. They got together every four years beginning in 776 B.C. and had a race. ("B.C." That's "Before Costas") The winner's name was inscribed on a tablet which is still visible today. (See also, the Birth of Cybermetrics.) Like the Olympics of today, the Greeks added events to the competition as the Olympic idea gained traction. (Mass Suicide was added briefly by the Spartans but was discontinued due to the difficulty in obtaining veteran coaches.) However, the "sports" that were included tended to be along the lines of war stuff (shooting arrows, throwing spears) and contests that involved running. They also had wrestling but all that groping was mostly for the "light in the sandals" crowd. Any self respecting Greek who suggested table tennis or beach volleyball would have been laughed all the way to Helios. These games endured until about 393 AD when the Roman emperor stopped all pagan rituals...at least ones without name sponsors. (The French tried to reinvigorate the Games during the Revolution in 1796 but competitive head-tossing never caught on.)
The Greeks got the games going again in 1820 but it wasn't until 1896 that the so-called modern games were organized in Athens by Baron Pierre de Coubertin, a Frenchman with a lot of time on his hands. Since then the Games have grown from 571 athletes and 14 countries to 10,500 athletes from 204 nations. The number of events has also grown because the host country is allowed to introduce a new contest as part of the hosting honor. Some, like basketball, have endured. Others, like tug of war and softball, not so much. A few countries have included events that were clearly proposed as a joke. There's no other way to explain rhythmic gymnastics and wishu.
Anyway back to the original question to wit, what constitutes a "sport"? We can all agree that running, jumping (with or without a pole), throwing stuff and fighting are sports. Toss in swimming (running in water) and rowing (running in a canoe), cycling (running on a bike) and even some gymnastics. Rings are just flat-out cool. We can also probably agree that stuff like gymnastic floor exercises, table tennis and dressage are not sports. They might require years of practice and incredible physical conditioning but so does Donkey Kong and tango-dancing. Dedication to perfection is laudable but not always sport. Beyond that, intelligent people can differ.
I'm not sure shooting qualifies as sport unless the contestants were shooting at each other however, if guns were around in 776 BC you can bet the Greeks would have been competing. Also any event where the women's competition is more interesting to watch than the men's should be out. Field hockey, volleyball (beach and otherwise), badminton... gone. You might as well leave sailing in. Absolutely no one pays attention anyway. Any event that awards style points should be shown the door. I'm pretty sure that the Greeks weren't holding up little tablets that said "8.25" over the mangled body of a wrestler who finished second.
It seems clear that the Olympics has, in keeping with Parkinson's Law, expanded to fill the number of cable stations allotted for its coverage. Whether anyone is watching horses dance or pre-pubescent girls endanger their reproductive parts on the uneven bars is very much beside the point. If there's a Team USA competing, NBC is covering. So let's all watch the equestrian events in hopes of seeing Ann Romney's horse's rump. No, not that one. The four-legged one in the Olympics.
No comments:
Post a Comment