...or are the Republicans reinforcing the axiom that never does a man stand so tall as when he stoops to kick a friend?

Dateline Hawaii...



"We're working out here." So spake the chairman of the Republican party, Michael "the Oreo Cookie" Steele sounding a bit like Ratzo Rizzo of Midnight Cowboy fame. Steele and his GOP brothers (although there was hardly another brother in sight) were meeting in Hawaii last week to craft...well, whatever political parties craft between the luau's and cocktail parties. Hey,no one begrudges the GOP a little celebration. After all they swept the country last week. Well, Massachusetts anyway. Besides it's January and all those Red State hotels in Nebraska and Kansas were probably booked. Note: John Boehner of Ohio did not attend. His skin color frightens most Hawaiians.


The Republicans have recently discovered what the Democrats have been dealing with all summer...the misery of victory. Having scored a noteworthy success in New England, the GOP is trying to leverage this achievement into a national tsunami in November. Unfortunately, because they have no idea how Scott Brown won in Massachusetts, they can't use him as a model for success in the other 49 states. Brown ran as a moderate so the brain-trust in the Republican party has determined that far Right is the way to go. They have proposed a ten point litmus test to determine if a candidate is pure enough to run as a Republican and worthy of financial assistance. Brilliant! The test has ten points but in truth only one is needed. "We oppose anything and everything proposed, suggested, or contemplated by President Barack Obama."

Cap and Trade; we oppose it. Any form of healthcare reform; opposed. Any rational gun restriction; no way. Abortion assistance; you must be kidding. The Republicans are banking on the fact that they don't need a single legislative initiative or idea to improve life in America. Wait! They were in favor of troop increases in Iraq and Afghanistan. And you thought it was all negative.

Apparently the Republicans are convinced that the Tea Party agenda is their key to Congressional numerical superiority in 2010. The problem with this concept is the Tea Party folks (whoever they are) don't feel the need to cozy up to the GOP. One of the TP's main sponsors for their convention this week bailed out over concerns that the movement was being hijacked by the Republicans. Also, Tea-baggers have not shown an ability to get anyone elected to anything. No one believes that a loose association of old white people carrying signs passed out by Fox News, constitutes a movement. Well, maybe Glenn Beck believes it but, he also believes that the friezes on the wall of Rockefeller Center are a communist plot.

Anyway it's useful to know that the 10 point "Real Republican" litmus test, which glorifies the sainted legacy of Ronald Wilson Reagan, could not have been blessed by ... Ronald Wilson Reagan.
Reagan had no policy on gay marriage. He had no policy on pollution hence no notion of Cap and Trade. Reagan never expressed an opinion on immigration or gun rights. Come to think of it, this guy had no opinion on anything! So good luck with that litmus test. I'm guessing most candidates will treat it the way women treat a home pregnancy test.

...or is John McCain a lone voice in the Arizona desert?

President Obama (may his tee shot never find the rough) delivered his first State of the Union speech last night. Among the proposals offered by the President was a re-commitment to abolish the absurd "don't ask, don't tell"rule from the military. It was later noted by whatever pundit occupied my TV at the time that this policy was opposed by John McCain. This begs the question: What are we to make of the conundrum that is John McCain? As a Catholic, I am naturally opposed to conundrums (rim shot!) but McCain is a special case. Just when you think you have him figured out, he says or does something to make you question your conclusion.

McCain is not a fence-straddler (except on the subject of Sweet Sarah Palin) or an equivocator (except on the subject of SSP). When you ask a question, you always get an answer...except (see above). It should be noted that the right-wing ideologue who ran for President with SSP in 2008 bore no resemblance to the current senior Senator from Arizona. Only the names are the same. You have to love a politician who takes a position on almost everything. For the most part his reasoning is logical, rational and well-reasoned. That sort of intelligence in a politician might get you knighted, canonized or at least earn you a wing at the Smithsonian with all of the other extinct creatures. In McCain's case it has earned him a primary challenge from a teabagger named J.D. Hayworth.


If you're running against fruit-loops like the Baggers, logic and intelligence will get you killed. McCain will have to explain why he forged an alliance with legislators of both parties in 2005 to break the logjam in Congress that was preventing the approval of federal appointees. He will have to justify his dalliance with Democrat Russ Feingold and Sometime Democrat Joe Lieberman to craft needed legislation on campaign finance reform (McCain-Feingold) and climate change (Climate Stewardship Act). McCain will be forced to defend his possible position as vice president on the 2004 Kerry ticket (never offered; never sought) and his preference for Joe Lieberman as a running mate in 2008.


Most recently, McCain committed the cardinal sin of meeting with Democrat Evan Bayh (in public, no less) to attempt improvements to President Obama's federal spending freeze. What kind of Conservative Republican seeks compromise over ideology; governance over rhetoric; reason over sound-bites? The kind that gets clobbered by talk show windbags.


For however sick to death we are of the term (thank you SSP), McCain is an actual maverick. He refuses to participate in the stupid, obnoxious pandering that has infected Republican politics since the election of Barack Obama. McCain believes that questioning Obama's citizenship is infantile. He forbade his presidential campaign committee from attacking Obama over the Jeremiah Wright issue. He was a frequent critic of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on the conduct of the Iraq War. He opposes water-boarding and all other forms of "enhanced interrogation". McCain is certainly no Liberal. He is a small government warhawk who believes that earmarks are the root of all evil. Unfortunately, he is a true independent in an age of orthodoxy. Teabaggers don't want thinkers. They want screamers. They don't want legislators. They want true-believers. McCain's brand of Conservatism is as out-of-fashion as a mullet.


McCain could still win in Arizona. He still has a great personal story and the guy who is opposing him has more baggage (tea and otherwise) than Samsonite. Still it's a bit sad to watch a man who has given his life and his family to public service, reduced to explaining how give and take works in the legislative process. In Republican politics today that's like explaining sunrise to blind people.

...or are ACORNs not the only nuts out there?

Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein can go to their graves knowing that their legacy as investigative reporters is in no danger from James O'Keefe. It seems that, in his pursuit of corruption and evil in the Democratic party O'Keefe forgot the first rule of journalism: you are not the story. (Actually this is the second rule. The first rule is: don't get caught.)

You may remember Mr. O'Keefe as the truth seeker who, with the help of his own batgirl, Hannah Giles, attempted to "expose" ACORN for the liberal cheats they are. Disguised as a pimp and his ho (in hindsight, not much of a stretch) O'Keefe appeared at an ACORN office and, with a lot of prodding, got some advice on how to appear legit enough to get a mortgage. (ACORN has a contract with the Feds to facilitate low income mortgages.) The interview was taped and, with the help of the right-wing media and blogosphere, was plastered all over the internet as proof of ACORN's perfidy. Mr. O'Keefe became such a hit with Conservatives that one dingbat Congressman, Pete Olsen of Texas, (big surprise) wanted Congress to honor O'Keefe's achievement. How's that working out for you, Congressman?

Shift to Monday, Jan 25. O'Keefe and his crime fighting buddies were arrested in New Orleans while attempting to bug the offices of Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu. Having been scrupulously trained by watching multiple episodes of Mission Impossible, these geniuses disguised themselves as phone men (page 116 of the Fletch handbook) and requested access to the main phone cabinet. The receptionists, who must have seen the same TV shows, called the FBI and well, our boys are now leaving Mission Impossible and headed for Judge Judy.

While this hardly rises to the level of Watergate, it will be exciting to discover whether this right-wing Ethan Hunt was operating alone or with the help of a Teabag A Team. Four super sleuths were arrested in the operation. No one was carrying a MENSA membership card or answered to the name Mr. T. A ten year prison sentence, while unlikely, might be enough to loosen some tongues. Perhaps a little enhanced interrogation. Conservatives are convinced of the effectiveness so let's give it a try.

The soup gets even spicier with the added ingredient of Robert Flanagan. Mr. Flanagan was arrested with O'Keefe and turns out to be the son of William J. Flanagan, U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Louisiana. While hardly a hotbed of constitutional law, even Louisiana draws the line at wiretapping. After all, it's not like the information would help the Saints in two weeks.

...or is clueless the new black?

"The surge worked" ...unless you own a hotel in Baghdad. Sunni insurgents, unhappy with the Shite-led government, carried out a series of suicide bombing at several high-end hotels on Monday. Sunnis, Shites, al Qaeda, Taliban; America is sick of the whole mess. We need to get our people out of Iraq and Afghanistan now, as in right now. Those countries are as stable as an invading force can make them. News stories about bombing in Iraq need to return to page 10, the same page that carries reports of coups in Somalia, Sri Lanka and Macy's underwear ads.


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But on a happier note... Ilich Ramirez Sanchez aka "Carlos the Jackal" is back in the news. Carlos hasn't let a little thing like multiple life sentences in a French prison keep him from protecting his good name. Through his lawyer/wife Isabelle Coutant-Peyre, Mr. Jackal has filed suit in French court demanding editorial approval of a documentary chronicling his exploits. After all, a man who killed and kidnapped his way across Europe for twenty-five plus years can't afford a blot on his escutcheon.

Ramirez did most of his best work for the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine or PFLP as opposed to the PLF or Palestine Liberation Front. (It was anacronamic distinctions like this that kept the Palestinians throwing rocks at Israeli tanks for 20 years.) His current retirement in La Sante Prison in Paris for the murder of two French agents hasn't kept The Jackal out of the news. He published an autobiography in 2004 (sales were hampered by his inability to appear on Oprah) and last year sent a letter to President Obama presumably requesting a copy of The Audacity of Hope with a hacksaw inside.

We wish Mr. Jackal nothing but success with his lawsuit. After all, if you're not careful the former administration might accuse you of having Osama on your Facebook friend list.


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Our friends the French are once again attempting to deal with the issue of face-covering veils worn by Muslim women. In 2004, a law was enacted prohibiting women from wearing head scarves in schools. As with most rulings involving Muslim sensitivity, street demonstrations were immediately organized. The new definition of nano-second is the time between a Muslim community's indignation and the local domestic unrest. Now the government is trying to ban the veils in public areas such as hospitals and public transportation. President Sarkozy is quoted as calling the veils "unwelcome on French Territory".

Setting aside the desirability of covering some French people Muslim or not, the government is approaching this from the wrong angle. Veils should be banned, not for religious reasons but because they present a safety hazard. Imagine driving a car with a full-face veil over your head. (This might actually improve the driving of some Asian nationals. Just kidding!) If you thought French drivers were scary before, try them with a tarp covering their eyes. Yeah, I know, Muslim women aren't allowed to drive. Well, if you were wearing a 500 thread-count bed sheet on your head I wouldn't let you drive either. Besides, how are you supposed to update your Facebook page while walking down the Rue de Merde if you have an oversized beach towel on your dome? Speaking of Facebook, Muslim women on Facebook must consist of two million friends named Basheera and Jameela with no photos, no school listing and no personal information.

So good luck to the French. If they can't get the veils banned, at least they might get Muslim women to cut eye holes or install visors. If nothing else they wouldn't look so much like Cousin It.

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With the crime rate down and the World Series parade a distant memory, the City of New York and its mayor have returned to their favorite pastime...banning stuff. First it was smoking, then cellphones while driving, then texting while driving a bus, then transfats. Now Mayor Bloomberg has taken aim at the popcorn industry's favorite condiment...salt. In an effort to lower the blood pressure of its citizens, the Mayor has raised the blood pressure of fast food purveyors and manufacturers from Canarsie to Riverdale.


The Mayor wants to reduce the salt content of foods in New York by 50% in ten years. Without transfats and salt, the bill of faire at McDonald's and Taco Bell would be indistinguishable from the cardboard containers that envelope the entre. Apparently throwing salt onto icy roads doesn't offend Mayor Bloomberg's sensitivities. Just don't throw it on your fries. Bloomberg is rewriting the old song lyric. I may be able to make it anywhere but without fat and salt, I can't make it in New York, New York.

Nannyism is everywhere but in New York it's an art form. One should soon expect the demise of such guilty pleasures as comic books (they make you stupid) and pizza (that grease running off the back gets on your clothes and inflates your cleaning bills). Next will be neckties (no practical benefit and, if they get caught in a moving set of rollers, good night nurse.) Other municipalities are legalizing medical marijuana (bless 'em) while the Apple is deciding if apples have too much sugar. How about The Big Brussels Sprout or The Big Celery Stalk? No salt on that celery, please!

...or should we all learn the words to the Herman Hermits song, "Senator Brown you have two lovely daughters"?

How about them Bay Staters?

Politics is a strange animal. One minute you're cannon fodder, running in a hopeless election; the next minute you're answering to "Pardon me Senator, but..." Anyone in the Republican party who says they saw this coming is full of it. If the GOP had the slightest hope of winning in Massachusetts they would never have run a guy with nude magazine photos in his portfolio. Even Scott Brown probably didn't think he could win.

Ah, but in the ever-changing world of electoral politics there will always be constants:

No constituency likes being told who they must vote for.

Local and statewide elections are not national referendums. They are local contests.

Nothing is a sure thing.


If you're a political geek, you care about the "why" more than the "who" of the Massachusetts Miracle. Scott Brown ran a near-perfect campaign. His message would have been well received in California, Kansas or Pennsylvania. He convinced the Independent voters of Massachusetts that the country is moving too fast in a scary direction and that he could slow it down. Healthcare was a part, but not all of the debate. Brown avoided polarizing, third-rail issues. He affirmed a woman's right to chose and the rights of gays to marry in his state (by calling these issues "settled law" Brown avoids having to take a stand). He was skillful and he has Kennedy good looks (always a plus in Massachusetts). Aside from the negativity, Brown was brilliant. Mr. Brown is opposed to everything. No one in the GOP seems to be in favor of anything. No alternate ideas. No new proposals. Cap and Trade; bad. Alternatives; none. Obama healthcare; bad. Better ideas; none. Stim; bad. Better idea; no new taxes. How is that a better idea?

Brown had one more advantage... he was incredibly lucky. Make no mistake, luck is a better weapon than nude photos of your opponent.

Senator Brown was lucky in two ways. First he got to run against the dumbest, most inept candidate since Michael Dukakis. The Democratic cardboard candidate, Martha Coakley won a primary in December, thanked everyone for making her the heiress to the Kennedy legacy and went home to await her coronation in January. By the time she realized that she was about to get thumped it was too late. Barack Obama couldn't save her. Victoria Kennedy couldn't save her. Hell, the ghosts of all four Kennedy brothers couldn't resurrect her. Ms. Coakley is now presumably having a beer with Fred Thompson and Rudy Giuliani at the "What Happened" saloon.

Mr. Brown's second and greatest piece of luck was that he gained popularity so quickly and so close to the election that the Idiot Wing of the Republican Party couldn't get mobilized fast enough to sink his chances. Sarah Palin, who could have been counted on to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory couldn't find Massachusetts on a map. Michael Steele, Chairman of the GOP, wasn't about to detour his celebrity book tour into such hostile territory. Beck, Limbaugh, Hannity, Savage and the rest of the Tea Bag crowd probably saw Brown as insufficiently pure to merit their blessing. Naturally, that hasn't stopped all of them from taking credit for Brown's victory in the name of Anti-Omaba-ites everywhere.

As always, the President of the United States showed himself to be a stand-up guy and a class act. He went to Massachusetts last Sunday knowing that he was burning political capital in a lost cause. Bay Staters might like the President personally but they weren't about to let him sell them this tone-deaf tootsie. When it was all over, the President told Massachusetts that no decision on healthcare would be made until their new senator was seated. Not exactly the Karl Rove playbook.

Thankfully, the elections in New Jersey, Virginia and Massachusetts happened before November 2010. With any luck, Democrats have learned that nothing is for sure. Congressmen and Senators will actually have to make their case to the voters. If healthcare is worth having, it's worth fighting for. This one may actually have to be decided on the issues. Sarah Palin need not apply.

...or are we all resisting the temptation to pray that a building collapses on Rush Limbaugh?

Can there really be a lower form of creature than one who would try to discredit the charity and generosity of an entire country? Is "pond scum" too charitable a term for someone who uses a devastating human tragedy as a pretext to criticize a political leader of whom he disapproves? Must we tolerate a man who clearly has never missed a meal when he attempts to deprive others? Actually, yes, we do. This is America, a country that leads the world in irony. The same system of laws that grants trials to would-be terrorists and demands civil rights for contemptible mass murderers, is the system that allows self-important demigods with a microphone and good Neilson numbers to contaminate our public discourse.


Don't blame Rush Limbaugh. He is merely one of the freaks in the side show; no different from the three-headed dog or the bearded lady. It may be entertaining in a car wreck sort of way but everyone knows it's a fraud. We derive no satisfaction from exposing a bad ventriloquist. Pointing out that professional wrestling is rigged doesn't diminish its entertainment value or commercial success. We retain an empathy for the fool.


We should however, blame the Conservatives and Tea Baggers; people who take great pride in purporting to represent "American Values". These are the people who fancy themselves Real Americans: Average Joes, Anti-intellectual, Anti-elitist, God-fearing, Salt of the Earth, Lunch-pail Heartlanders. People with a endless capacity for compassion. They think of themselves as good neighbors. These are the kind of Americans who say, "I might be opposed to gay marriage but would never refuse charity to a fellow citizen because he's gay". They might disagree with your politics but they will stand beside you in the face of a common enemy. However, these are the people who have remained noticeably silent while one of their most vocal cheerleaders exhorts them to withhold contribution to national charities.


Where is the outrage from Sarah Palin, guest of honor (for a speaking fee of $120,000) at the National Tea Bagger Convention? On the subject of Rush Limbaugh her tweets are silent. How about Glenn Beck? As the man most enriched by the Tea Bag movement, you might expect a small show of compassion for the tens of thousands suffering in Haiti. Surely, just this once, you can closet your inane attacks on Barack Obama and encourage your audience to contribute to the relief effort. Don't hold your breath! Beck has opined that President Obama is dividing the nation by responding quickly to the plight of Haitian citizens. (Haitians who have been without water for seven days might take issue with the term "quick response".) Conservatives have concocted a conspiracy theory around the Presidents response to the tragedy in Haiti and the response to the Christmas Day bombing attempt. Believers are to understand that Obama was quick to react because, after all, "blacks stick together". A slower rescue effort would be anticipated if the earthquake struck Finland.

Sean Hanniy has attempted to marginalize the entire story, instead focusing on the upcoming Massachusetts senate race where, surprise, surprise, the Democrats are in trouble. No one, and I mean no one on the Conservative Right has called a press conference to decry the vile, cynical remarks of Rush Limbaugh.
To his credit, John McCain has labeled Limbaugh's remarks "unhelpful" .


There are two reasons for all this silence. The first is obvious to anyone with eyes. The Tea Bag Movement in America is the most racist organization since the Klu Klux Klan. This mini-army of old white people is threatened by an African American President. It's not about healthcare (which will benefit most of them) or the national deficit (which none of them understands) or even jobs (which most of them have or are retired from). It's about a smiling, well-educated, confident, successful black man running their beloved America. They hate it. Stirred to action by would-be populists like Glenn Beck, these small-minded haters will rally behind any cause, real or imagined, (think: healthcare for illegals or, the President isn't an American citizen) and take to the streets. The only real threat posed by these bigots is, armed with the televised power of Fox News, their movement can appear bigger and more politically powerful than it is. That's a problem.


The other reason for silence on the Right is Rush Limbaugh has a bully pulpit. With a devoted audience of 20 million (scary, eh!), Mr. Limbaugh ensures that no Republican will call him to task, regardless of how outrageous his proclamations. Michael Steele, America's premier Oreo cookie, took a shot and found himself apologizing the next day. Limbaugh gives the impression that he controls Middle America and if you want to get elected. you had better conform.

This is the cruelest joke of all. Limbaugh has exactly zero practical effect on the electoral landscape. In the now forgotten contest to elect a Congressman for New York's 23rd district, Rush's support of the Conservative Doug Hoffman ensured the election of the Democrat, Bill Owens. During the Presidential election of 2008 Rush initially threw his considerable bulk behind Fred Thompson. That campaign lasted about as long as an episode of Law and Order. Unruffled by failure, Limbaugh's next candidate was Mitt Romney. During the later Republican primaries, Limbaugh eviscerated McCain in praise of Romney. How'd that work out? We know how Limbaugh felt about Barack Obama and we know the effect those daily attacks had on the outcome in Nov., 2008.

Limbaugh is a racist and he revels in it. Remember his assertion that Donovan McNabb, quarterback for the Eagles, was coddled because he's black. Or that Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court because he's a racist. And who could forget "Barack the Magic Negro"? Curiously, although millions of Americans absorb a three hour daily dose of Limbaugh bile, few seem willing to drag his dreck to the voting booth. Perhaps those 20 million listeners can discern serious political discourse from buffoonery. Maybe, like pro wrestling, most fans get the joke. You don't have to wear big floppy shoes and a ball on your nose to be identified as a clown. Who would take political guidance from Bozo?

Nevertheless, shame on those who fail to call political commentators to task when they cross the line. Those calling for the head of Muslim clerics who incite violence are slow to apply the same standards to hate mongers in our own country. Republicans, take heart. After all, why would anyone want to be elected to anything by people who follow Rush Limbaugh?...except maybe Sarah Palin.

...or is the catchphrase "I don't want to dwell on the past" an acceptable criminal defense?

The news has been replete lately with public figures who just want to move on. First we had the inflatable Mark McGuire who, unlike his recent self flagellation, told Congress in 2005 "I'm not here to talk about the past". Wise choice in that McGuire's past included a cornucopia of performance-enhancing drugs. Considering McGuire's recent performance for Bob Costas (Mark has obviously traded steroids for botox and #10 pancake) he might have been better off to stay in the medicine closet. His assertion that the drugs he ingested, injected and ran through barefoot had no effect on his home run production sounded as ridiculous as suggesting that air pressure has no discernible effect on the bounce capability of a basketball.

McGuire apparently intended, with his non-testimony before Congress, that he would blithely move on to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Clearly Mr. McGuire's ego was as inflated as his biceps and his hat size. The baseball writers who guard the Hall in Cooperstown with their votes take a dim view of players who owe their statistic excellence to Johnson & Johnson and Merck rather than to Spalding or Hillerich and Bradsby. Mark McGuire's best chance for admission to the Hall of Fame will be if they create a Steroids/HGH wing. Guests will include Sammy(my English fails me under oath) Sosa and Bobby ('roids made me strong as a horse but also made me a horse's ass) Bonds. Naturally the wing will have an inflatable roof.

Our second guest in the "let's not dwell on the past" spotlight is John McCain. The former Republican Presidential Candidate was interviewed this week regarding revelations in the new book "Game Changer". According to sources in the book, McCain knew more about the valet at the Phoenician Hotel than he did about the Kewpie doll he nominated for Vice President. When asked about the appalling lack of vetting regarding Sister Sarah, McCain smiled that "edge of Alzheimer's" smile he has perfected and told Matt Lauer "I'm not going to comment on things that happened over a year ago." There's a 50/50 chance that he won't comment because he can't remember. If you proposed a woman for national office who thinks Morocco is a musical instrument or that Einstein is famous for his bagel recipe, you'd want to forget all about it, too. Unfortunately, the vapid, empty-headed, former Miss Wasilla didn't disappear back into the tundra after the votes were counted. Like that pizza you ate too late at night Ms. Palin has regurgitated all over the American landscape.

Interestingly, McCain doesn't mind living in the past when the past includes his impressive war record or his time as U.S. Senator. His selective amnesia (from August to November, 2008) is no doubt triggered by the grim reminder that Sarah Palin was not Joe Lieberman in drag. She's more like Glen Beck in glasses. If I'd turned Sarah Palin loose on this unsuspecting world, I'd change the subject also.

Anyway, the moral of the story is if you have done something heinous or just stupid and you are called to task, merely indicate that you don't want to dwell on the past. This defense might have served several characters in history quite well. Imagine if George Armstrong Custer had lived to stand trial for incompetence. As he was picking arrows out of his epaulets he might have stood fully erect and proclaimed "Yes I did recklessly lead 208 men to their death along the Little Big Horn River in 1876 but I prefer not to dwell on the sins of the past..." This might even work for Karl Rove, if only we could forget him.

...or should all athletes who want to carry guns be sent to Haiti to prevent looting?

Here in the Nation's Capital we have what must be considered the dreadful collection of sports franchises in America. Aside from the hockey Capitals, Washington teams have finished, or are currently sitting, dead last. The Redskins (still sporting the most despicable and racist name in all sports) have recently finished a pitiful 4-12 and lost every game in their division. They have subsequently fired everybody down to the guy who sells foam fingers. There is some cause for modest hope for the Nationals baseball team but, in that Washington has a long standing tradition of making Thunderbirds into Pintos, don't hold your breath.

Then there's basketball. For 45 years the Washington Wizards were owned by the very smart, very decent Abe Pollin. Pollin, who won his only league championship in 1978, actually changed the name of his team from Bullets to Wizards. He said that Bullets carried a negative connotation in a city with a soaring murder rate. (Washington leads the league in irony.) Pollin died in November, 2009 and many will say it was a blessing. At least he didn't have to watch the stupidity playing out in the locker room and the criminal courts.

Everyone knows by now that Wizards star shooting guard (I told you about that irony) Gilbert Arenas, has been arrested and charged with felony gun possession in connection with a locker room dispute involving fellow baller Jarvis Crittenton. Arenas has been suspended indefinitely by Commissioner David Stern. Stern spends most of his waking hours doing the labor of Sisyphus. His chore is to keep 450 overpaid, pampered basketball players off the front pages and out of jail. Lots of luck, Dave.

There is nothing particularly new about athletes in legal trouble (Commentator Tony Kornheiser calls these stories "Jocks in the Stocks"). The aspect of this particular event that causes head-shaking is Arenas' assertion that when the story first broke, the Wizards organization turned their back on him. No kidding! This would be the same Wizards organization that signed a $111 million contract with "Agent Zero" in 2008. Since then Arenas has played in 34 games out of 164 due to injury. Through two dreadful seasons with Arenas on the bench the Wizards remained patient and considerate. Now that he's finally laced up his Gil Zero sneeks the team still sucks. Where's the love for poor Gil? Where's the loyalty for a player who's given so much? If I were current team owner Ted Leonsis I'd drive the paddy wagon to the poky myself. Then I'd drive to my lawyer's office and have Arenas' contract voided for moral turpitude and felony stupidity.


Frankly, is anyone surprised to hear these stories? Professional basketball recruits teenagers from humble or at best modest origins. Boys who have never held a real job or balanced a checkbook are given millions of dollars, provided with role-models like Alan Iverson and Charles Barkley and turned loose in America's biggest cities all winter.
Seriously, I love Sir Charles but he really should be kept away from children and small pets.

The wonder is that more basketball players don't end up in prison or in hospitals.
We cannot and should not deprive young talented athletes of the opportunity to make big money in sports. That's the American dream. If, however, you insist upon acting the fool and endangering others with a gun or a car or your fists, your punishment may be as outsized as your income. We don't ask much. Play your sport. Fiddle with your X-Box and your ipod. Give inane interviews and try to be a role model to America's street urchins...instead of the other way around.

...or were you surprised to learn that Mrs. Robinson was alive and living in Ireland?

As long as the Irish aren't killing each other, or members of the British military, Americans normally don't follow the sturm and drang of politics in Dublin or Belfast. However nothing gets our hearts racing and our toes tapping like the scent of a good scandal and there's a dilly unfolding in the Old Sod.


Since Our Man Clinton helped broker the Good Friday Accords in April 1998, the Protestant DUP (Democratic Unionist Party) and the Catholic Sinn Fein have been haltingly marching toward maintaining a government that will insure everyone's rights and keep the IRA off the barricades. It's rare to encounter a story about the government in Belfast without seeing the word "fragile". Both sides have compromised and, although the process is contentious, the peace has held.


The next phase is for the police and justice departments in the North to be transferred from London to Belfast. In that the police in Northern Ireland have been viewed by the Catholics as the oppressive arm of the Protestant majority, this is a big deal. Naturally, the Protestants are dragging their feet at the prospect of losing exclusive control of the only armed force in the country. Tempers are running high and resignations are being threatened.


Proving once again that politics and farce are first cousins, the leader of the DUP, Peter Robinson, has been forced to "stand aside" temporally amid a delightful scandal involving his wife Iris and her teenage lover. Mrs.Robinson (the British press is having a field day with the name) was also a member of the DUP and was expelled last week. The issue isn't the impropriety of shtupping a teenager (Mrs. Robinson is 60), but because Mrs. R used a loan to set the young man, Kirk McCampley, up in the cafe business. Apparently the Irish don't care who you sleep with as long as you don't declare the hotel cost as a business expense.


The story is instructive only in that it begs comparison with the recent transgressions among American politicians. In Ireland, any sexual scandal in the family, even if it wasn't the officeholder directly is grounds for resignation. In America, you can boink: 1) Argentine news women, 2) your chief of staff's wife, 3) every hooker in Louisiana or even, 4) the guy in the next stall and blithely show up for work the next day. You can run as the "family values" candidate even if you're single-handedly trying to start multiple families. My Irish is a little rusty so I don't know the words for hypocrite, shame-faced or fraud but I'm guessing they don't have English equivalents.


But I digress. The issue is the tryst in Belfast. No indication has emerged as to the future of the Robinson marriage. (Fortunately, the Prods take a more liberal view of divorce than do the Papists.) Mrs. Robinson has yet to explain why she abandoned the traditional pen and pencil set as a high school graduation present in favor of a south Belfast cafe. Perhaps "it's a little secret. Just the Robinson's affair. Most of all you've got to hide it from the ..press". Cou cou ca cho!

...or will Sarah Palin have a better view of Russia from a seat at Fox News?

Good for Sarah. Having graduated from Twitter and Facebook (although it is an incremental step) our girl Sarah has signed a contract to occasionally, when she's in the mood, when the book tour is over, appear sporadically on some show on Fox News. I know I've marked my calendar. This is a good thing. Not only will we be able to keep an eye on her for the next three years but, now America will have someone to obsess over once Rod Blogojevich goes to prison. The Right can remind themselves why they fell in love with her in the first place and the Left can tear their hair out wondering why anyone would pay attention to a national politician who thinks that Cameroon is a type of coconut cookie.

We wish Sister Sarah all the success in the world. Unless and until Fox hires Katie Couric, it should be smooth sailing.

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On the "Who Gives A S**t" scale for today, the top spot goes to the heartbreaking news that Simon Cowel will be leaving American Idol after this season. Honestly, why would anyone with an IQ in double digits possibly care where this irritating man spends the next 50 years? When one considers the success of shows like American Idol and The Weakest Link the only conclusion is Americans get some perverse pleasure from being abused by almost anyone with a British accent. It's apparently entertaining to tell someone they're a no talent clod as long as you sound like the GEICO gecko. Has anyone asked Simon Cowel to sing? or act? or do anything that doesn't involve tee shirts two sizes too small?

Cowel is said to be contemplating a new show on Fox for 2011. Security is tight but rumor has it that the show will involve Sarah Palin debating a bag of doorknobs. Moderated by Cowel and Mike Huckabee, the majority of the show will be devoted to correcting Ms. Palin's pronunciation of nuclear. The fallback option is "The Real Housewives of Wasilla".


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Because the theme for today appears to be Fox News, we would be remiss not to mentioni the recent comment of retired news anchor Brit Hume. Mr. Hume was participating in a free-for-all editorial discussion, which is to be distinguished from news broadcasts in that no actual facts are permitted. When asked about the current predicament of America's favorite golfer, Mr. Hume donned his clerical collar and allowed that Tiger Woods should embrace the Christian faith. Brit explained that Woods, a nominal Buddhist, would never receive the forgiveness and redemption he needs unless he steps into the Light.

Normally, we would mercilessly eviscerate Mr. Hume for presuming to tell someone that their religion didn't measure up and that Christianity was the only path to salvation. However, in this case we are giving Brit a pass. Mr. Hume lost a son to suicide in 1998 and, according to his later commentary, it was his faith in Christ that got him through his grief. Because I have no frame of reference here, Mr. Hume gets a mulligan.

...or can you really see Russia from Wyoming?

Where was I? Oh, yeah, Joe Lieberman. Maybe it's me but can you really caucus with the Democrats when you oppose almost everything that Democrats were elected to fix? Joe is in favor of the U.S. attacking neutral countries in the Middle East (do you sense a pro Israel bias?), he opposes any form of healthcare (that would be his pro insurance company bias) and, so far as we can tell, is opposed to affirmative action and tort reform. Wow! If he ever changes his position on guns, he'll be to the right of Lindsey Graham. Calling Joe Lieberman a Democrat or an Independent is like calling Bill O'Reilly a Liberal because he's left-handed. In this country you run as an Independent when neither party will tolerate you.



On a related subject my Washington Post reported this week that both John McCain and Joe Lieberman have publicly expressed their support for the use of drones. A quick check of Dictionary.com informs us that a drone is a parasitic loafer or, a dull, monotonous sound. Any questions?.


If, perchance, their frame of reference was military drones, mindless missiles that are guided remotely and strike random targets with no ability to distinguish friend from foe, it is not difficult to understand why McCain and Lieberman would defend one of their own.



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And then there are those who make writing this blog just too easy. Enter Rudy Giuliani. America's Mayor has once again cranked open his large Italian mouth only to insert his Buster Browns. Not content to continue his shameless 9-11 exploitation tour, Rudy is appearing on TV chat shows to opine on the state of security in the U.S. Giuliani operates on the theory that, if you are walking down the street and a piano falls on your head, you are now an expert in Classical music. By this logic Tiger Woods, having had an encounter with a fire hydrant, would be qualified to lecture on the state of Ft. Lauderdale's urban water distribution.


Rudy's recent pronouncement, made to George Stephanopoulos on Good Morning America, was that there were no terrorist attacks during the Bush 43 administration. Now I'm not one to place blame but, technically speaking, George W. Bush was Commander in Chief, at least nominally, on Sept. 11, 2001. Being out to lunch doesn't mean you don't still have the job. Stephanopoulos was so stunned, he didn't ask Rudy to explain 9-11, Richard Reid, aka, the shoe bomber, and several other events which took place between Jan. 2001 and Jan 2009. Perhaps Rudy forgot that it's rude to remind Little George that Dick Cheney was really in charge for those eight years.

The elections of 2010 will be very exciting to be sure but I'm a bit sad at the prospect of races for governor and senator in New York without Rudy Giuliani. This self-important dirtbag has yet to even address the firefighters of his city who feel that his decisions immediately following the World Trade Center bombings cost several lives. Rudy is too cowardly to run for office in New York. To do so would incur the wrath of the state's most vocal and visceral voting block...Rudy's ex-wives.


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If Muslims are at all curious to learn why the non-Muslim world is getting a little fed up with them, forget exploding Fruit of the Looms and focus on Kuala Lumpur. Muslims in Malaysia are protesting/rioting over a High Court decision permitting Malaysian Christians to use the word Allah in print pronouncements. Seriously; the followers of Islam are so touchy that they take to the streets to protect the word Allah. We're not talking Dutch cartoons here, we're talking about their word for God. Pretty soon Muslims will want us to stop talking about beaded taxicab seats.

We all want to be tolerant but, the followers of Allah (sorry!) are trying the world's patience. For the first 1,000 years of its existence, Islam led the world in science, mathematics and culture. While the Irish were throwing mud balls at each other, the scholars of the East were charting the heavens and producing the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. Unfortunately the second millennium has been less productive. Like Christianity, Islam's paranoia has grown along with its popularity. Unlike Christianity, Islam's response to its self-described victimization has been violence and gross overreaction.


Muslims of today want things both ways. They immigrate to non-Muslim countries, demand the right of non-assimilation and, grab their pitchforks and torches at every perceived slight. They're only missing their own Al Sharpton. Maybe I'm a closet bigot but Islam is a religion, an organization built around prayer and devotion to God. Your rights extend only to the door of your mosque. Once you're on the street your rights have obligations. You are obliged to accommodate your religion to your cultural surroundings. If France, The Netherlands or Malaysia offends your religious sensibilities, either get over it or leave. Rioting, skyjacking and incendiary skivvies are not acceptable options. Neither is telling Malaysian Christians which words they can use.


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...or am I the only one who cares where reindeer go in January?

It's only January and already there are reasons to move to Europe. To wit:

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Dick Cheney is an overwhelming, raging, galactic asshat. (OK it's not as catchy as "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot" but I'm no poet.) This man needs to take his sneering back-seat driving, fear-mongering keester to The Wyoming Home for Presidential Wannabees and wait quietly for the Almighty to call him home. If that sounds harsh, tough. Cheney is causing right thinking Americans to address an issue we thought we'd never say out loud...George W. Bush is behaving like a classy, principled statesman. Ech!

After each and every international incident, our former bucket of warm piss (that's the original John Nance Garner quote) runs directly toward the first open mike to decry the failed policies of Barack Obama. Who is this guy? Jesse Jackson? Listen Mr. Cheney, the only thing in America "less safe" is a President who is being depicted as weak and conciliatory in the face of danger. The folks most receptive to this message are also the inbred survivalists who share two disturbing traits: low IQ's and gun ownership.

If Dick Cheney really cared about America he would return to Mooseshit, Wyoming or wherever he's from, shut his mouth and type out his gripping life story on an old Royal. He can start with his glorious military record.

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If Dick Cheney doesn't have you reaching for your passport, try this... a recent Gallup Poll inquiring as to whom Americans most admire, showed Glenn Beck in the number two spot just behind Nelson Mandela. Hey, I'm as shocked as you. Not that my countrymen admire Glenn Beck. I'm amazed that any of these appleheads know who Nelson Mandela is. They probably think he's some Italian guy or the guy that hosts Deal or No Deal. The survey showed Beck ahead of Bill Gates, Billy Graham and even George W. Bush. They're probably still mad at W for not running for a third term.

Seriously, we thought that young America getting their news from Jon Stewart was a problem. Now we learn that the country is following the guidance of a man who makes Sarah Palin look like Margaret Thacher. It would be OK if Beck's audience understood that he's making it up as he goes along. (There really aren't subliminal communist messages in the friezes adorning Rockefeller Center.) You would be wise however, not to jump to that conclusion. Beck's disciples might not take everything to heart but they do possess a fundamental affinity for the overarching message: namely that America is in the incapable hands of a liberal ideologue who stands in opposition to American Exceptionalism.

In the Gospel According to Beck: showing respect to other world leaders is a sign of weakness, attempting to negotiate disputes with foreign governments is almost traitorous and, supporting healthcare legislation is socialist...or communist...or fascist. (Beck uses these terms interchangeably, secure in the knowledge that his audience will not know the difference...or care.)

The show's logic is compelling as long as no one is available to present a counter argument. All opinions are acceptable if you wrap yourself in the flag. It works like this:
1) Healthcare is bad because it's bad for America and I love America.
2) Obama is trying to backdoor reparations for slavery which is unfair to Americans and, of course, I love Americans.
3) Healthcare will cause older Americans to be lined up and shot which is unfair to older Americans but may possibly provide needed employment for gun owners. Nevertheless I love America.

This claptrap plays well to older, white Americans who somehow feel that Barack Obama wasn't elected by them and doesn't represent them. Change is scary and these people are scared. Beck plays on that fear like a cheap kazoo. He reaffirms the paranoia that every liberal change since Reconstruction is unfortunate. Every new policy is a disguised conspiracy to turn our beloved country over to minorities, illegals and welfare Cadillac drivers. Hell, if some guy showed up on my TV every day and told me what I wanted to hear, I'd admire him too. But wait! Someone does that...Steven Colbert.

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The New York Jets defeated the Cincinnati Bengals 37-0 in the last game to be played in Giants Stadium. What made the event memorable, aside from the obvious, is that the game was dry. This was not a weather related occurrence but a conscious decision by the club not to serve alcohol during the contest. The combined issues of a late start (8 PM) and that it was the last game to be played in that building caused a heroically rational decision by the the club, choosing respect for life over beer revenue. Congratulations to the Jets ownership although I suspect an ulterior motive. Considering the outrageous prices of tickets in the new stadium, the Jets could hardly contribute to the accidental death of anyone crazy enough to pay for them.

Unfortunately, if predictably, not everyone was thrilled with the decision to force Jet fans to get drunk before game time. New Jersey distiller Majorska Vodka expressed outrage at the tea-tottling attitude of the Jets owners. The company urged Jets fans to boycott Johnson & Johnson products (Jets owner Woody Johnson is heir to the J&J fortune) for 24 hours. This is an understandable response in that the similarity between Majorska Vodka and J&J rubbing alcohol is imperceptible. They're practically competitors.

In any event, I'm sure that Jets fans, ingenious as they are, found myriad ways to smuggle a little hooch into Giants stadium Sunday night. After all, who could pass up the opportunity to act the drunken fool in front of a national television audience?

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By the way, in voting for Asshat Of The Year we wouldn't want to leave out our favorite Senator from Connecticut Joe Lieberman. Sadly, I'm all raged out. More tomorrow.

...or will America stop being afraid of being afraid?

Have you ever met a germophobe? You know, one of those people who sprays their office phone with Lysol every morning in case the cleaning staff touched it. People who line the toilet seat with tissue to avoid actual contact with the plastic. Folks who are never more than two feet from a bottle of Purel. Admit it; don't you snicker a little when one of these people gets a cold?


Welcome to America 2010. We hate government. We hate government healthcare...except Medicare. We hate government handouts...except Social Security. However, on the subject of air travel, we have devolved into a country that virtually demands the government make each and every citizen 100% safe. A citizenry that decries government involvement in almost everything storms the halls of Congress the first time they perceive a threat. Some have suggested that President Obama cancel his vacation and rush back to Washington. To do what exactly? Inspect bags at Dulles? We are a country held hostage by guys with exploding shoes and incendiary BVD's. For God's sake America...man up!


We need to accept a few facts.

First, we will never be completely safe. Not on an airplane, not in a train, not in a bus and certainly not in a car. Malls and theaters will always be targets. As the most recent occupants of the White House have acknowledged, there is evil in the world. There are people out there who mean us harm. Your government has made and will continue to make, a good faith effort to minimize the risk. That does not mean that everyone who has evil intent will be captured or thwarted. Some will succeed. Gaps in security will be exploited. Government security must be everywhere all the time. A terrorist only has to be in one place and he need only succeed once.


The ham-handed response of Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano notwithstanding, the system worked. The "system" in this case being a watchful passenger. In the case of shoe bomber Richard Reid it was an vigilant flight attendant. We can continue to develop new and better security devices to install at airports but people will ultimately determine whether a plane or a train arrives safely. People who take responsibility for themselves. You are your own best and last security device.


Second, profiling and increasingly invasive security measures are completely acceptable. Remind yourself that flying is a privilege not a divine right. If you are Middle Eastern we apologize for the inconvenience. Sadly, you share many of the characteristics of those who are continually trying to incinerate our transportation system. We will continue to single you out for special consideration. Complain to your congressman. Write a letter to the New York Times. We are sorry that you were born in Bayonne but are being treated like someone from Baghdad. Get over it! The system is trying to protect you also.


If you think that x-ray screening is too invasive, take the bus. If you are offended by being poked, prodded and peered at by TSA employees, tough! As long as there are villains among us you will have to endure the unpleasant prospect of some government functionary leering at you through your Fruit of the Looms. Trust me, they don't like it any more than you do.


Third, no-fly lists will forever be a hit or miss proposition. They depend on considerable global cooperation and, based on the track record of our own FBI/CIA for info-sharing, you should not be optimistic. Blame-gaming about who or what government agency should have informed what other government agency is disingenuous and counterproductive. When the no-fly list is topping out at 500,000 people and false documents are easier to come by than Springsteen tickets, mistakes will be made.


Fourth, we really are safer than we have ever been. The global cooperation among governments and the advances in screening technology have reduced would-be bombers to flammable Nikes and explosive knickers. If they weren't so dangerous they would be comic. The task of keeping the world's craziest zealots from exploding their hats on aircraft or dousing themselves with anthrax-laced talcum powder and attending a Broadway show is beyond formidable; it's herculean. The only success our enemies have seen since 9-11 has been the delight of watching 300 million Americans soil themselves every time someone mentions al qaeda. (Dick Cheney has started wearing Depends.) They're evil and despicable but they're not super human. They may not even be super smart. They have however, figured out how to scare the hell out of the American exceptionalists. Be cautious don't be frightened. Any country that can survive the threat of Vice President Sarah Palin can tolerate a patdown at O'Hare.

...or is a political payoff called pork for a reason?

There's an old adage that the two things you never want to see created are sausage and legislation. That adage was never more true then now, as we watch with horror and awe at the current kielbasa of healthcare legislation being cooked by the 111th Congress. Even the most ardent policy wonks find their eyes glazing over at the mention of public options, single payers and medicare for all. Most of us would be delighted if we lived out our years without ever again hearing the dulcet tones of Chuck Grassley, Olympia Snowe or especially Joe Lieberman. Lieberman should vote for healtthcare if only so he can afford the surgery to repair his vocal chords. Would that they all returned to the purgatory that is C-SPAN.

There may , however, be a silver lining in this laborious legislative cloud. I am hard pressed to recall a time when the legislative process was so public and transparent. Seriously, how many people know how their Senators voted on the "Medicare Part D" bill? (I'll save you a trip to Google. Medicare Part D was the Medicare drug benefit passed in 2003.) Who knows or cares how Hillary Clinton voted on the bank bailout? Love it or hate it, the legislative wrangling on healthcare has been the most public debate in this country since the Constitution was ratified in 1789. One suspects that if cable news were operating in 1789, the ratification might still be in doubt.

Imagine if we could have garnered this much activity during the run-up to the invasion of Iraq. Imagine if we had demanded months of debate . Imagine if the Bush Administration had been required to explain and defend their dissembling and misdirection regarding WMD and Saddam's affiliation with Al-Qaeda. America allowed the Bush White House to use 9-11 as a club to force a wasteful and unnecessary war. Given a choice between the bratwurst production that is healthcare reform and the patriotic misdirection of the Bush cartel, I'll take the brat. If deliberation could have saved 4,300 American lives, what sane person would opt for haste?

At least with the healthcare debate we know where everyone stands. We know how many pieces of silver are demanded by both allies and enemies. All of the dirty deals and back-room bargains that are hidden from public view most of the time but are part of every serious piece of legislation have been made public this time. We all know what Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas was paid in return for her support. (George Bernard Shaw was right. We always knew what you were. We were only haggling over the price.) The public process has revealed how absurd Ben Nelson sounds in a desperate effort to somehow make healthcare a referendum on abortion. The entire country has been treated to the obstructionist tactics of the Republications who have introduced no alternatives, no amendments and have tried everything short of pulling the fire alarm to stop the legislative process. By the way, have you ever noticed that "earmark" is only used in the third person such as "your earmark". In the first person it sounds more like "my vital addition to your bill".

We have also been privileged to watch a White House that understands when to speak and when to shut up. There was never going to be an opportunity for Barack Obama to force any aspect of the healthcare bill down the throats of the Senate Democrats. The President knew that the bill would see more changes than the pediatric ward at Presbyterian St. Luke's. For the administration to hang its reputation on any one aspect of the law would have been foolish. If that one provision had been compromised out, the President looks defeated even if the bill ultimately survives.

The President wants a healthcare bill that will provide more citizens with better coverage than they currently have. If the liberals hate it and the conservatives hate it and even the moderates are tepid, you probably have a law that will work. At least you have a law that you can pass. The country is learning that, even with 60 Senators on your team, no bill is a slam dunk. The term "herding cats" comes to mind. The Administration has done a masterful job of allowing the process to run its course.

It appears that the final, final, final healthcare bill will come up for a vote shortly after Christmas. (If there is a God, the vote will take place on Jan 6 the feast of the Epiphany.) For whatever compromises and amendments are involved, it will be an historic achievement. Of equal significance will be the level of participation by the electorate. From the moronic teabaggers of the summer to the various defections of the liberals in the fall, no legislative issue has generated as much interest or as much action. This is reality television we can believe in.

...or is the best thing about Dec. 26 the internment of reindeer sweaters?

There are no slow news days, just lazy bloggers.

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The City Council of the District of Columbia has approved an ordinance permitting gay couples to marry in the Nation's Capital. Mayor Adrian Fenty is expected to sign the legislation. Unfortunately, City government in Washington exists along the lines of children mounting a play in the backyard. They have free reign provided no one's parents object. The parents, in this case, come in the form of the U.S. Congress. The House and Senate have 30 days to object. While this appears unlikely, one never knows. Even in a city founded on aberrant behavior, gay marriage might be one toke over the line.

The gay marriage ordinance is being hailed as a boon to tourism. Apparently the Washington Monument and the Capital weren't enough of a draw. The city is anticipating 10,000 gay marriages in the first three years. That's 20,000 people who will come for something besides the Spy Museum and the Barack Obama car air fresheners.

Nevertheless, this is a civil rights issue and it is perfectly proper that the city that hosted Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech should outlaw discrimination wherever it exists. Bravo!

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Senator Joseph Lieberman, Irritating Senator from Connecticut, has crafted a new meaning to "going rogue". Determined to singlehandedly sink America's best hope of real healthcare reform, Joe has forgotten MASH's Frank Burns who opined, "Individuality is fine as long as we all do it together." Fifty-nine senators, all of them Democrats, have seen their way to approving the current legislation. Lieberman sees it differently. We would not want to speculate that the Connecticut insurance lobby has Old Joe by his circumcised johnson but let's be real here. Why would any senator who professes to be a social liberal, want to block a bill that will protect the health of millions? The Obama Administration has proposed allowing Maine to annex Connecticut in return for Olimpia Snowe's vote. Unfortunately, Senator Snowe opposes any deal that makes Joe Lieberman a citizen of Maine. Smart lady!

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The death of Oral Roberts at 91 created an interesting conundrum for newspapers. Roberts was a dominant figure in televangelism. His passing demands ink. The trick is to be gracious without being patronizing. In a effort to appear fair, The Washington Post ran several columns on the life and times of Reverend Roberts. They studiously avoided words like, charlatan, huckster, fraud and pseudo-holy man who got really rich by conning the old and gullible. They neglected to mention the hubris of a man so fond of his own name that he put it on a university.



Roberts was a preacher in the Elmer Gantry mode. He railed against dancing and circuses (curious, considering his TV show). He was however, not opposed to the worship of the Almighty Dollar. At the height of his con Roberts was raking in over $100 million a year. Not bad for a poor farmer's son from Bebee, Oklahoma. Anyway, he's with his maker now (or at least his money-maker). I'm thinking that Roberts lived to be 91 because the Lord wasn't that anxious to have him all that close. I trust Reverend Roberts and L. Ron Hubbard will be happy together sharing that great pulpit in the sky.



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After the longest airline delay in recorded history, Boeing has finally begun flight testing the 787 Dreamliner in Everett, Washington. Customers have been waiting for two years while Boeing contended with parts issues, strikes and the painfully slow delivery of those little bags of pretzels. Among it's wonderful new features, the 787 boasts the largest windows in commercial aviation. Frequent flyers will enjoy a breathtaking view of the tarmac as they wait for hours on delayed aircraft. Welcome aboard!



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A group of Native Americans (Indians to you, the unenlightened) is suing the University of North Dakota to require the school to retain the name " The Fighting Sioux". The university had planned to retire the name which is offensive to some of our Native American brothers. Good luck picking a winner in this one. UND has spent years in debate over the school mascot and, having reached this decision, seems unlikely to reverse itself now. Alternative names have been suggested including: "The Peaceful Sioux", "The 'We're Willing To Sign Another Treaty' Sioux" or even "The Boys Named Sioux". One thing is clear. Whatever deal was made with the tribe, I hope they got it in writing.

...or should we tell the typing monkeys to stop work on Hamlet and get busy on climate change?

I was present when my cat had kittens therefore I am a qualified OB-GYN.


I own two cars which makes me an expert on the internal combustion engine.


I recycle so I know all there is to know about climate change and waste disposal.


If any of these quantum leaps in presumption appears egregious, imagine my shock at learning that the 2/3 term former Governor of Alaska has taken it upon herself to lecture the President and the rest of us on the science of climate change. Holy moose turds, batman. Sarah Palin knows as much about the science of climate change as George W. Bush knows about constructing a sentence. This is what happens when you leave computers around where anyone can type on them. OK so no one thinks that Bus-tour Sarah actually wrote the op-ed piece that appeared in Wednesday's Washington Post but it did have her name attached.


Academically, Ms. Palin's credentials in earth sciences extend about as far as high school biology. I'm sure the science teachers at Wasilla High School were thorough and competent however, it seems unlikely that their core curriculum extended to ozone layers and CO2 emissions. Sarah's likely exposure to climate change was the realization that it got pretty cold in January in Alaska.


The five colleges that helped Governor Palin on the road to a baccalaureate degree in Communications, with an emphasis in journalism (where she presumably learned all about how journalists make stuff up) never attempted to steer her toward a career in science. Even the world renowned Matanuska-Susitna College neglected Sarah's obvious scientific aptitude. Her brief career in broadcasting at KTUU-TV and KTVA-TV in Anchorage might have helped her to understand how a weatherperson operates a blue screen but, beyond observing "boy, it's gonna snow tomorrow" opportunities for advanced learning were limited.


Ah, but once she entered politics the world was her scientific oyster. Unfortunately, you are required to open the shell. During three terms as mayor of Wasilla, Sarah busied herself with building a sports complex, rewarding her allies and of course firing those who transgressed. The temperature of the earth never appeared on her radar screen. She did serve on the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission but her title was Ethics Supervisor. No science here either.


As Governor of Alaska one of her top priorities was resource development. In a mineral rich state like Alaska this seems a logical goal. However nothing in the Governor's truncated term in Anchorage ever gave the impression that any actual knowledge ever cluttered her mind. Small wonder considering how much information must be digested by those hockey moms.

Nonetheless, armed with not the slightest whiff of real information or actual facts (Why bother? Her core constituents glaze over at the mere mention of facts), Governor Golly Gosh Palin launched into a data-free tutorial on lying scientists, the conspiracy of climate change advocates and, of course, the misguided policies of President Barack Obama. She proclaimed with great conviction that America ought to boycott the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen this week. This would apparently send a message to those snaky sneaky East Anglia climate scientists. Screw the rest of the world! Gosh darnit this is America. We don't owe other countries a darn thing.

Fortunately, Sarah Palin, like the other "influential" conservatives currently kissing tea-bagger ass, holds no public office and has no real authority (Limbaugh, Beck and [hold your nose] Dick Cheney make up the rest). You may now understand why Sister Sarah packed her snow shoes and skedaddled for the lower 48. Without the burden of an actual administrative job, Sarah is free to opine on any subject without those annoying constituents expressing their unwanted opinions.

Anyway, assuming that the Washington Post volunteers the space, we can look forward to reading Governor Palin's thoughts on: AIDS in Sub Sahara Africa, monetary policy in post- modernist China and perhaps, the rightful place of fighting in professional hockey. Just no more grown-up topics like climate change. Let's leave that to the numbers-fudging pointy heads who actually understand it.

...or will "may I see your invitation" become the new motto of the Secret Service?

Maybe the motto should be "You Can't Make This stuff Up".


In case the healthcare debate is making you ill (and that's a pre-existing condition) and the thought of more troops in Afghanistan sounds like Nixon Redux, you can still enjoy the ongoing saga of Tareq and Michaele Salahi. These two are truly the gift that keeps on giving. The only wonder in the story is why they haven't been sued by Woody Allen for stealing his character in Zelig or by Winston Groom for pilfering Forrest Gump. I was amazed that the Salahis weren't front and center at the United States Military Academy during the President's Afghanistan speech. This may be the first celebrity Ponzi scheme on record.


First, as everyone knows, the Salahis schmoozed their way into the White House and attended the early stages of a formal dinner honoring the President of India. That visit included a photo-op with the Vice President and the Pres. Having been outed and ousted that evening, the press has taken a keen interest in the couple and the discoveries are hilarious. They have been photographed, together and individually with Oprah, who professes not to have ever heard of them, and the Washington Redskins Cheerleader alumni (Michaele not Tareq) although there is no record that she was ever a member (maybe Tareq was the cheerleader). Michaele professes to have been a former Miss USA but, you guessed it, she never was. (Maybe she expressed an opinion on gay marriage and was expunged. That can happen, you know.)


Tareq, not to be outdone, has been touting his ownership of the America's Polo Club which, he claims, has affiliation with The National Polo League. Sadly, no one in the polo community has ever heard of The National Polo League or any teams that are members. One suspects that the Salahi's press agent is Jon Lovitz's Tommy Flanagen.


All of this would be just good fun except that the Salahis have been peddling their bilge under the guise of a charitable foundation. All of the recent press, and possibly a nudge from the pride-damaged Secret Service, has caused both the IRS and the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services to take an interest. (Apparently the Dept. of Agriculture is involved because of all of the horseshit.) Anyway, what has surfaced is 1) a boatload of creditors who were promised payment from various Salahi events and, 2) several charities still waiting for contributions. None of this has matured into a criminal charge (felony obnoxious is only a crime against good taste) but hang on to your mallet. If you think the Godfather's Jack Woltz
"cannot be made to look ridiculous" wait 'til you see your federal government in action. Our newest celebrity can be almost assured a guest spot on Survivor, Leavenworth or The Real Housewives of the District of Columbia Women's Correctional Facility.

...or has it become decidedly chilly in East Anglia?

Nothing is worse for Liberals than to lose the moral high ground. While the Right stands for profit, Liberals stand for compassion. The Conservatives believe in drilling gaping holes in our forests; Lefties stand with the woodland creatures. The Right manufactures fisted gloves. The Left has the olive branch concession. Them, swords; us, plowshares. It was, therefore, a serious blow to our lofty opinion of ourselves to learn that our team, aka, the good guys could be just as devious and underhanded as the other team.

Climate scientists at East Anglia University have been outed as having shaded the truth. Not content to provide honest clinical data as to the man-made effects of greenhouse gases, the boys and girls of the Climate Research Unit at East Anglia University also manipulated data to hide holes in their theories and subverted efforts to publish scientific data that contradicted their opinions. Sort of the scientific equivalent of Fox News.

Except scientists aren't supposed to do that! Forget the Bush Administration's eight year effort to edit and redact every scientific study to conform to their agenda. They're Conservatives! You expect them to cheat. We're the good guys. We tell the inconvenient truth. We print the bad with the good and let the science speak for itself. We don't lose the pages that contradict the findings we were hoping for. Our side doesn't believe that we have all the answers or that, in the wrong hands, contrary findings will be misinterpreted. The other guys do that.

Well, it appears that feet of clay is bipartisan after all. The emails hacked from the scientists at East Anglia establish that, at the end of the day, we're no better than they are. The stolen correspondence doesn't negate the preponderance of evidence that the earth is warming but good luck selling that story now. And so, as the polar ice becomes the surf on Maui and the skiing season at St. Moritz is measured in hours, remember being on the side of the angels doesn't mean it's OK to make a deal with the devil. Or, all that separates us from Michelle Malkin is a really bad make-up job.

...or is Tiger Woods naming his boat "Privacy" similar to Karl Rove calling his "Integerty"? Lofty but probably unattainable.

Tiger! Tiger! Tiger!

Didn't you read the "moral turpitude" clause in your Nike contract? It clearly states "this contract will be null and void in the event your aggrieved spouse takes a three iron to the back window of your Escalade any time after 2:00 AM". Didn't anyone ever remind you of the words of Confucius who wrote "He who wishes to become the idol of millions would do well to keep his putter in his bag". Of course Confucius probably didn't spend much time at Vegas cocktail lounges.

All kidding aside (and that may take some time) this story sucks. A lot of people admired Tiger Woods; me included. For almost 34 years he has been letter perfect. Perfect childhood (so far as we know), perfect golf career, spotless reputation, sponsor's dream and, in a world of dirty laundry, a seemingly focused professional. Tragically, he now appears to have been focused on his next horizontal mambo. And see, that's the tragedy. Sexual dalliance allows for endless ridicule. Jokes about his driver alone could fill a book. It's one thing to have a drug problem or a martini jones. People shake their heads and wish you well in rehab. However, if your particular brand of peccadillo (see, still funny) involves playing hide the mashie with ladies to whom you are not currently married, you quickly become grist for the comedy mill. No one feels sorry for a guy who spends his off hours diddling his way through the western world.

Another impediment to understanding is Tiger's wife is gorgeous. True, the grass is always greener at someone else's country club (sorry!) but most people are baffled as to why Tiger would feel the need to stray from such a beautiful course (Sorry again). This is especially vexing in that a silver dollar would cover all three women. Is the fillet in Vegas better than the filly at home? (OK now I'm embarrassing myself.)

For those who say that this is a private matter between Tiger and his wife (and the bimbos and the lawyers), stop yourself. When you live a public life, when your income is derived from the image you project, you don't get to decide to suddenly become Joe Average American. The price you pay for the privilege of selling Accenture and Nike and Gatorade and Buicks and Gillette shavers is that you are special and worthy of emulation. Tiger isn't the ideal pitchman because he's a great golfer. He's also a great black golfer and good looking and, up until now, appeared to embody the American ideal. And that's why this story sucks. We all thought it was OK to look up to Tiger Woods. Turns out the guy we admired like Jack Kennedy turned out to be all too much like...Jack Kennedy.

...or does Glen Beck look like Porky Pig with a bad crewcut?

Reasons to move to France:

The smiling Salahis, Tareq and Michaele, fresh from their gig as uninvited guests at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., are getting what they always wanted: their 14.5 minutes of fame. In keeping with America's tradition of rewarding moronic behavior, these celebrity wanna-be's will get to make the rounds of the oatmeal circuit and, who knows, maybe Oprah. Forgotten are the myriad Secret Service agents who will certainly be either fired or shipped to Waserastan thanks to these two clowns. Bumper stickers are now being printed for all Secret Service cars which read "A tux and a pretty wife only gets you into the White House if you're elected".

The only possible purpose these nobodies could serve is to waltz into Tiger Woods' gated community and attempt to discover why Tiger's wife smashed the back window of his SUV in an attempt to extricate him from the driver's seat.


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A New York City high school teacher is suing the Board of Ed for injuries sustained as a result of slipping on the free condoms distributed to the students. The lawsuit, filed by Karen Hollender, allows for several lines of inquiry: 1) Should additional class-time be devoted to how condoms are used and disposed of without the use of bananas? 2) Do students believe that condoms and banana peels are similar? or, 3) Is the promiscuity level so high at some schools that, just the distribution of condoms causes a flurry of sexual activity in the hallways? We may never know.


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Much is being made of a "suggestive, overtly sexual" performance rendered by Adam Lambert at the American Music Awards last month. Beyond the usual questions about what is appropriate for network television and how far is too far, one needs to address the key question in the debate...Who the f**k is Adam Lambert?


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Sarah Palin's "memoir" (by this definition Ian Flemming's James Bond books were memoirs) has passed the 500,000 mark in sales. However, before you renew your passport and buy that one-way ticket to Charles de Gaulle Airport, remember that America bought 400,000 copies of Bill Clinton's "My Life" not to mention millions of pet rocks, mood rings and Donna Fargo's "Happiest Girl in the Whole USA". I understand that a copy of Sarah's books will now be given away free with the purchase of "Jingle Bells" as performed by the Barking Dogs. We're such children.



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In for a penny, in for a pound.

Determined to regain their 13th Century status as a temporal power, the Catholic Church in the United States is attempting to use whatever clout they have left to influence the pending healthcare legislation. Unable to persuade American Catholics that: condoms are evil, stem cell research is the devil's business, your living will is irrelevant and, of course, a woman has no right to choose; the Vatican's Men in Black are trying their luck in Congress. We wish them the best of luck.

If successful, the bishops will move on to civil law and attempt to prohibit law suits against pedophile priests.