It's only January and already there are reasons to move to Europe. To wit:
Item
Dick Cheney is an overwhelming, raging, galactic asshat. (OK it's not as catchy as "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot" but I'm no poet.) This man needs to take his sneering back-seat driving, fear-mongering keester to The Wyoming Home for Presidential Wannabees and wait quietly for the Almighty to call him home. If that sounds harsh, tough. Cheney is causing right thinking Americans to address an issue we thought we'd never say out loud...George W. Bush is behaving like a classy, principled statesman. Ech!
After each and every international incident, our former bucket of warm piss (that's the original John Nance Garner quote) runs directly toward the first open mike to decry the failed policies of Barack Obama. Who is this guy? Jesse Jackson? Listen Mr. Cheney, the only thing in America "less safe" is a President who is being depicted as weak and conciliatory in the face of danger. The folks most receptive to this message are also the inbred survivalists who share two disturbing traits: low IQ's and gun ownership.
If Dick Cheney really cared about America he would return to Mooseshit, Wyoming or wherever he's from, shut his mouth and type out his gripping life story on an old Royal. He can start with his glorious military record.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
If Dick Cheney doesn't have you reaching for your passport, try this... a recent Gallup Poll inquiring as to whom Americans most admire, showed Glenn Beck in the number two spot just behind Nelson Mandela. Hey, I'm as shocked as you. Not that my countrymen admire Glenn Beck. I'm amazed that any of these appleheads know who Nelson Mandela is. They probably think he's some Italian guy or the guy that hosts Deal or No Deal. The survey showed Beck ahead of Bill Gates, Billy Graham and even George W. Bush. They're probably still mad at W for not running for a third term.
Seriously, we thought that young America getting their news from Jon Stewart was a problem. Now we learn that the country is following the guidance of a man who makes Sarah Palin look like Margaret Thacher. It would be OK if Beck's audience understood that he's making it up as he goes along. (There really aren't subliminal communist messages in the friezes adorning Rockefeller Center.) You would be wise however, not to jump to that conclusion. Beck's disciples might not take everything to heart but they do possess a fundamental affinity for the overarching message: namely that America is in the incapable hands of a liberal ideologue who stands in opposition to American Exceptionalism.
In the Gospel According to Beck: showing respect to other world leaders is a sign of weakness, attempting to negotiate disputes with foreign governments is almost traitorous and, supporting healthcare legislation is socialist...or communist...or fascist. (Beck uses these terms interchangeably, secure in the knowledge that his audience will not know the difference...or care.)
The show's logic is compelling as long as no one is available to present a counter argument. All opinions are acceptable if you wrap yourself in the flag. It works like this:
1) Healthcare is bad because it's bad for America and I love America.
2) Obama is trying to backdoor reparations for slavery which is unfair to Americans and, of course, I love Americans.
3) Healthcare will cause older Americans to be lined up and shot which is unfair to older Americans but may possibly provide needed employment for gun owners. Nevertheless I love America.
This claptrap plays well to older, white Americans who somehow feel that Barack Obama wasn't elected by them and doesn't represent them. Change is scary and these people are scared. Beck plays on that fear like a cheap kazoo. He reaffirms the paranoia that every liberal change since Reconstruction is unfortunate. Every new policy is a disguised conspiracy to turn our beloved country over to minorities, illegals and welfare Cadillac drivers. Hell, if some guy showed up on my TV every day and told me what I wanted to hear, I'd admire him too. But wait! Someone does that...Steven Colbert.
___________________________________________________________________
Item
The New York Jets defeated the Cincinnati Bengals 37-0 in the last game to be played in Giants Stadium. What made the event memorable, aside from the obvious, is that the game was dry. This was not a weather related occurrence but a conscious decision by the club not to serve alcohol during the contest. The combined issues of a late start (8 PM) and that it was the last game to be played in that building caused a heroically rational decision by the the club, choosing respect for life over beer revenue. Congratulations to the Jets ownership although I suspect an ulterior motive. Considering the outrageous prices of tickets in the new stadium, the Jets could hardly contribute to the accidental death of anyone crazy enough to pay for them.
Unfortunately, if predictably, not everyone was thrilled with the decision to force Jet fans to get drunk before game time. New Jersey distiller Majorska Vodka expressed outrage at the tea-tottling attitude of the Jets owners. The company urged Jets fans to boycott Johnson & Johnson products (Jets owner Woody Johnson is heir to the J&J fortune) for 24 hours. This is an understandable response in that the similarity between Majorska Vodka and J&J rubbing alcohol is imperceptible. They're practically competitors.
In any event, I'm sure that Jets fans, ingenious as they are, found myriad ways to smuggle a little hooch into Giants stadium Sunday night. After all, who could pass up the opportunity to act the drunken fool in front of a national television audience?
___________________________________________________________________
Item
By the way, in voting for Asshat Of The Year we wouldn't want to leave out our favorite Senator from Connecticut Joe Lieberman. Sadly, I'm all raged out. More tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment