...or is the world composed of miracles and mysteries?

Things I don't understand:

Exactly what is a Kardashian and what benefit do they provide to the common good?

If religion is so important in the explanation of the shootings at Fort Hood, why don't we know the religious beliefs of the Columbine killers or whether David "Son of Sam" Berkowitz was a practicing Jew? Did Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh's Christianity influence his actions?

How did an obnoxious pair of celebrity wannabes like Tareq and Michaele Salahi waltz past the toughest security net in existence and into a photo-op with the President?

How does the Catholic Church send the entire College of Cardinals to help bury Teddy Kennedy then tell Patrick Kennedy to stay away from the altar rail when Communion is distributed?

Am I the only person on God's earth who doesn't care which college football team is declared No. 1 or how that honor is bestowed? Have a playoff or don't have a playoff. Just shut up about it!

How did Alex Rodriguez begin the baseball year as a lying steroid user and finish it under tons of confetti in the Canyon of Heroes?

How are state universities allowed to discriminate against their own in-state students in favor of out-of-staters who pay full tuition?

Even in the Land of Constant Irony, how is it possible that Black Americans, victims of 400 years of slavery and another 100 of Jim Crow, would become the voice of discrimination against the rights of Gay Americans?

If you think Americans are confused about the Country's plan for victory in Iraq and Afghanistan, ask someone why we are spending hundreds of millions supporting the International Space Station.

Why is every male rock singer anyone will pay serious money to see, about 97 years old? Bono is probably the youngest at 49. Also, how is it that considering all the drug use, most of the sixties rockers are still alive?

Has anyone ever actually read anything useful or interesting on Twitter?

...or is Thanksgiving just a conspiracy to get people to eat cranberrys?

People you should be thankful for:

Rudy Giuliani.

As Rudy "did I mention 9/11" Giuliani agonizes over which New York State election to lose, the rest of us can only be thankful that we will continue to have Rudy to kick around for a little longer. America's Mayor remains undeterred by the fact that no former New York City Mayor has ever risen to higher office. (Unless you count Boss Tweed's election to president of the Stamp Club at Sing Sing.) Rudy is debating a run for Governor against whomever the Democrats get to oust current Governor David Patterson. The Democrats are hoping that his poor eyesight will prevent his realizing he's not on the ballot. Giuliani is leaning away from the Governor's race because: 1) Losing to Anthony Cuomo would suck and 2) Being Governor of New York would suck even more.

Rudy's other option is a run for the Senate against appointed incumbent Kirsten Gillibrand. The ink is barely dry on her website and already she's in a contest against the Michelle Wie of New York politics (lots of press...one win). All of this is happening while Rudy's former top cop, Bernard Kerik is facing a truckload of jail time as a small time grafter with big time ambitions. Kerik is the gift that keeps on giving. Rudy endorsed Kerik for head of Homeland Security. Kerik repaid the favor by lying to the vetting officers in Washington. Bernie's new home is the Westchester Correctional Facility where, sadly for Rudy, he will not be able to vote.

Whichever way Rudy jumps we can look forward to an entertaining election cycle filled with references to how being mayor when terrorists struck is germaine to handling New York's money problems.

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Sarah Palin

We could clear cut the entire State of Alaska and still not create enough paper to meet the needs of the Sarah Palin Experience. Between the book (500,000 sold...none read) and the reaction to her book/preelection tour, no tree is safe. Democrats are at wits end. The woman is wearing a teflon corset! No amount of logic, fact checking or literary criticism has made the slightest dent in her polling numbers or her marketability. Why would it? All that sniping is coming from the Eastern Media Elite. They're all Obama people. Socialists. What do they know about "real Americans" like us?


Running as the anti-intellectual is not only popular it's easy-breezy. No need to study intelligence briefings or learn where Russia actually is on a map. That stuff's for Harvard wonks. Forget learning the names of the Scandinavian countries. Who am I, Amergo Vespucci? Sarah's strength is her cluelessness. Her appeal is to the reality show watching, WalMart shopping, "Real Americans". Most of them treat stupid like a family member. They feel that the country has been hijacked by Eastern Liberals and minorities. Rather than respect people with educations and a little wisdom, they're resentful.


Sarah Palin is the perfect "style over substance" candidate. It would be a mistake to write her off as a fad with good legs. Her fans are loyal and they will do what she tells them. Remember, our friends in California elected Arnold Schwarzenegger and they're suppose to be sophisticated. If you don't believe that alienated, disenfranchised voters can elect an anti-candate, ask Jesse "The Body" Ventura.



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Governor Mark Sanford



The man who gave the world the euphemism "hiking the Appalachian Trail" has been charged with 37 ethics violations by the South Carolina Senate Ethics Committee. (I was surprised as anyone to learn that, not only were their "ethics" in South Carolina but, they have a committee to investigate them.) Governor Hot Pants has offered in his defense the assertion that the violations were "technical". Voters of the Palmetto State were relieved to learn that flying repeatedly to South America to canoodle a TV journalist was a technicality. Of course Sanford was technically married at the time, technically lied to everyone about his wilderness activities and was technically not authorized to use state funds to enhance his sex life. We can only hope that a South Carolina judge will help The Gov. trade his soul mate for a cellmate. There he will be free to ponder the ramifications of following his johnson across state and international borders..at taxpayer expense.


Happy Thanksgiving!

...or does eating clowns make your mouth taste funny?

Things of interest to no one but me:

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Sarah Palin, the doyen of style over substance, is in the news again this week. Well OK she's in the news every week. This week she's on the front page. Proving that old saw that monkeys with word processors could eventually turn out Hamlet, Sarah Palin has written a book. Ya gotta love celebrities who have written more books than they've read. The hardcover edition contains 413 pages but if the print was any bigger, your optometrist could use it for the top of his eye chart. To suggest that the book is light on substance is to say that reality television is light on script. Readers downloading to Kindles report that entire chapters have floated into the ether before reaching their device.

The book is however, heavy on invectives, long on backbiting and, chock full of recipes on how to botch a presidential campaign. According to Palin, her instincts were right more of the time and, had the stuffed shirts in the McCain campaign let her alone, she and John would have been pageant-walking down Pennsylvania Ave. on Jan 20, 2009. Of particular interest is her take on the Katie Couric interview. At no time can Sarah offer any explaination for her colossally clueless answers. We still don't know what she reads.

If Sarah wants to know what not to do in a race for President, she might try a few chapters of Going Rogue. She might even recognize some of the characters.

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And on the subject of the Republicans in 2012, I have the perfect candidates. How about

PALIN - PREJEAN 2012

All that hair with nothing underneath. These are the candidates made in heaven (assuming Mattel has a factory there). Imagine two women constructed entirely of platitudes and cliches. Because they don't actually stand for anything they can't be attacked for their views. Like wind blowing through bridge cables. They can attend rallies all over America. Unencumbered by all those annoying policy wonks and speech-writers, these gals can manage with just a good wardrobe consultant, a makeup artist and a guy who's really good with a comb and brush. They could run their entire campaign through guest appearances on the View...and,of course, Fox News.

So be on the lookout for the "Don't Vote For Me Because I'm Pretty" tour followed by Carrie Prejean's new book "Why Fill Your Mind With Useless Facts When You Can Fill Your Sweater With Useful Silicone".
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The most disgraceful name in all of professional sports has survived a court challenge and will probably not be changed in the near future. The Washington Redskins will continue to remind America that it's OK to denigrate a minority as long as that minority isn't powerful enough to resist.

The actual lawsuit was filed and rejected by the the Supreme Court (care to check how many are season ticket holders?) based on copyright law. I suspect the bad press was intended to coerce the Redskins into reconsidering their mascot name. Anyone who thought that would happen didn't know Jack Kent Cooke, former owner of the team. Anyway, if more people would express revulsion at this racist slur something might happen. If not, America should bombard Dan Snyder, current owner, with alternative names as a way of highlighting the offensiveness of the current one. The Potomac Pollacks, The Capital Kikes, The Federal Faggots, or even The District Darkies all have a certain ring. To be fair, they tried using The Washington Whoremongers for a while but members of Congress were offended. Who knew that was even possible?

...or is state-sponsored execution just a very late term abortion?

I still don't know how to feel about the death penalty. The topic has been in the news a lot lately. Virginia executed John Allen Mohammed, the notorious DC sniper who, with help from Lee Boyd Malvo, shot at least ten people from the modified trunk of his car. The U.S. Attorney in Texas has indicated that, before there's even an indictment, he will most likely seek the death penalty for Major Nidal Malik Hasan who shot and killed 13 people at Fort Hood. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is about to stand trial in New York which may result in a rare execution in that state.

These are nice, clean cases. The killers are bad guys. Like they say in Texas: "They needed killin'." They either freely admitted their crime (Khalid), were seen doing it (Maj. Hasan) or, the evidence was overwhelming (John Allen). The usual cry for cowboy justice was raised and few prosecutors would have risked public ire by considering a lighter sentence. Can you imagine the outrage if the New York DA suggested a life sentence for Khalid Sheikh Mohammed?

If our capital punishment statutes were limited to senseless, multiple murders where the evidence left no doubt as to guilt, there might be less concern about executing criminals. Sadly, America's criminal justice system is much too free with state sponsored executions. You've seen the numbers: 37 executions in the U.S. in 2008; 45 so far this year; Texas, the lethal cocktail capital of the world, accounted for 48% last year and 46% this year. (Whoa! Is someone in Austin going soft on crime?) Since 1976, 1,081 of the 1,181 executions in America took place in the South. That's 91%.

I'm not sure what any of this means but I'm pretty sure that the South doesn't account for 91% of the population or 91% of the serious crimes. They might have 91% of the cops who think it's OK to arrest the first person (usually the first black or Spanish person) who happens by the scene of the crime and pack him off to death row. They might have 91% of the District Attorneys who, lest they appear to be coddling criminals, are more than happy to demand death sentences at every possible opportunity. They might even have 91% of the country's jurors who figure "if the cops arrested the bum, he must be guilty".

We need a National Death Penalty Review Board. If we are determined to continue to be the only civilized society to condone state sponsored executions let's at least make sure the son-of-a-bitch actually did it. This panel would look at all aspects of the crime and the trial. Without the media's harsh glare and the pressure to convict someone to soothe public sentiment, a review board would at least ensure that "driving while black" near the scene of a crime didn't continue to be a capital offense. We have plenty of retired judges who, appointed for life, would meet once a year to decide on the justice of capital cases. No liberals need apply. Each appointee must be willing to approve the will of a jury if the situation warrants.

I wish that more public institutions were troubled by this deadly quirk in the American psyche. Not a single religious organization lobbies actively against capital punishment. The condemnation of executions by the Pope, while tepid, represents the only Christian voice in protest. Most American Christians are happy with "an eye for an eye" regardless of the blinding effect. Executions will continue in America because America demands that they continue. If Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is the new face of the death penalty in this country so be it. But like heaven, death row should be reserved for only a select few. You should really have to earn a spot.

...or should KSM visit NYC for a well-deserved ASS-kicking?

To begin with, I refuse to refer to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as KSM. He's not JFK, LBJ or even GWB. We didn't confer "initial" status on Ted Bundy or Charlie Manson. We didn't call John Wayne Gacy "JWG". That's all Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is after all; a cold-eyed mass murderer. He's not a creepy intellectual like Hannibal Lecter. Not a brilliant psycho in the mold of Lex Luthor. He isn't even scary to look at, although that arrest photo makes you glad he's not sitting next to you on the subway. Take away the flowing robes, the Islamic rhetoric and the al Qaeda mystique and he's just another thug with a bomb.



And what do we do with murderers like Mohammed here in the good old U.S. of A.? You're damn right. We give 'em a fair trial and hang 'em. Why then are we so afraid of giving Mohammed a trial in New York? What terrible evil do we imagine he might reign down on Manhattan? Hell, he's already killed 3,000 people and destroyed several square blocks of real estate. I'm guessing he's already taken his best shot.



Nevertheless, the hand-wringing over the Justice Department's decision to try Mohammed in New York has been disturbing. Rudy Giuliani, desperate for any, and I mean any, issue that might possibly resonate with voters, any voters, has voiced his disapproval. He feels, as many do, that Mohammed is a terrorist. Terrorist is a fuzzy word meant to strike fear in the hearts of our citizens, like the bogey man. According to Republicans, a terrorist is any person unworthy of a trial or status as a prisoner of war. According to Giuliani, terrorists should be locked away forever without trial, without rights, without access to a defense. Presumably, Mr. Giuliani would accord Maj. Hasan of recent Ft. Hood fame the same status. Certainly his actions were those of a terrorist. In his slide toward obscurity and irrelevance, poor Rudy is grasping at any issue that might earn him a line or two in the press. This assertion that New York City isn't up to a trial will do nothing to improve voter turnout should he be deluded enough to run for Governor or Senator.



Michael Mukasey, the last of George Bush's Attorneys' General, feels that a trial in New York is just too hard. He thinks that the trial might make New York a target. Holy 9-11 Batman! Don't we think that horse is already out of the barn? Of course N.Y. is a target. That's why they hit us there. New York's vulnerability won't be lessened if we change the venue to Tupelo.

Mukasey also speculates that security in New York might not be up to the challenge. Honestly? New York has 36,000 police officers. They might take umbrage at the notion they can't lock down one scruffy Arab. Where does Mr. Mukasey think the trial could be held? Apalachicola? Reno? Fairbanks?



We have also heard from that noted constitutional scholar John Yoo, formerly of the Bush Dungeons and Dragons Justice Department. Mr. Yoo will be forever remembered for the memos that showed how the Founding Fathers specifically encouraged torturing people we don't like. Yoo disapproves of the New York trial of Mr. Mohammed on the grounds that testimony and cross examination will reveal details of America's intelligence apparatus.He thinks some stealthy, star-chamber prosecution is the answer. Mr. Yoo is currently lecturing at UC Berkeley using balloon folding to show how to manipulate the Constitution.



Seriously, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is a murderer; nothing more. His crime might have been noteworthy, but he isn't. Every time some bed-wetting politician attempts to curry favor with conservative America by excessively demonizing him, it only enhances his status among his followers. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed should be tried in New York because that is where the crime was committed. He should sit in shackles in an orange jumpsuit and be tried. (Possibly not by a jury of his peers.) He should get a fair trial, be judged and, if guilty, be sentenced. This is America. We are not afraid of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. He is not bigger than two hundred years of Constitutional Law. The justice that he and his followers deny to others will be the justice that does him in. We are not doing this because of who Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is. We're doing it because it's who we are.

...or if you lie down with dogs do you get fleas?

The nostalgia wing of the Roman Catholic Church is a busy place. Ever since the misguided days of Vatican II, the folks in Rome have relentlessly charted a course toward a new renaissance...by attempting to reestablish the old Renaissance. The years since Pope John XXIII attempted to enlarge the Catholic tent, Rome has been winding back the clock. Mass in Latin has been reinstated. Prohibitions against birth control, married priests and women priests have been reinforced. Attempting to undo the English Reformation, the Church has reached out to disaffected Episcopalians. Now, the Church in Rome is attempting the grandest coup of all: namely, to reassert itself as a temporal power.

So this week the Archdiocese of Washington has threatened the D.C. City Council, should the Council adopt an amendment permitting gay marriage. In return for this presumed heresy the Church has vowed to close all of their social service facilities including their homeless shelters. Beautiful! The Archbishop Donald Wuerl, takes exception to the end of discrimination against gays and decides to take his ball and go home. To hell with the 68,000 people currently receiving aid from the Church. Screw the homeless! Close those shelters. Imagine how Archbishop Wuerl would have responded to the Emancipation Proclamation? Would he have moved the Church to South Africa?

The ecclesiastical fig leaf being used as cover by the RCC is that, if the law passes, they might be required to extend employee benefits to gay spouses. Please! The Catholic Church is attempting to use its financial muscle to block a change in D.C. law to which they take exception. Oddly, they haven't threatened to close their schools. They have requested an exemption from extending benefits to same sex couples. In other words, please let us continue to discriminate because we don't like your life style.

Fortunately, the D.C. City Council sees this for what it is: the Catholic Church's attempt to force it's outmoded and discriminatory will on the City of Washington. Councilman Phil Mendelson has labeled the Church's threat as a religious attempt to write civil law. He categorizes that as a dangerous idea. No such threat has been made in Massachusetts, Vermont or New Hampshire but those areas haven't had the training in arm-twisting that is the hallmark of political life in Washington. By Christmas, gays will have the right to marry in the District of Columbia.


Meanwhile in the Archdioceses of New York, Archbishop Timothy Dolan, eager to turn water into whine, has taken to the blogoshere to protest perceived shabby treatment at the hands of the (Jewish-owned) New York Times. In a Sunday op-ed piece by Maureen Dowd, the RCC was taken to task for its treatment of women, especially nuns. Archbishop Dolan wrote a rebuttal which those Christ-killers at the Times refused to print. Dolan's point is that the Catholic Church receives undo criticism that would never be tolerated were it directed at Muslims or Jews. The pedophile scandal of recent years is dismissed as having been perpetrated by a "tiny minority of priests". Presumably, had it been ignored by the press, it would have solved itself.


If Rome wants to play in the political arena in the United States they should expect to be treated like any other political entity. You cannot attempt to influence the secular world by supporting or condemning politicians and their actions, then hide behind your status as a religion when the spotlight shines back on you. Jews are treated as a religion because they act like one. (Anyone who believes that Muslims are receiving deferential treatment is delusional.) The Catholic Church is actively lobbying for social change. They are trying to use their power to influence law.
OK, that's fair. However when you wade into a fight with your fists up, don't complain if you get a bloody nose...even if you are wearing a dress.

...or is Twitter taxing your attention span?

More items shamelessly pilfered from other places...or just made up.

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The President has signed a law granting citizenship to Gen. Casimir Pulaski, Polish hero of the Revolutionary War.

Fox News has attacked this gesture as another example of the President's wrong-headed attitude regarding illegal aliens. Lou Dobbs of CNN fumed that after being in America for 230 years you would think Gen. Pulaski could have managed the time to apply for citizenship without Presidential mollycoddling. Gretta van Sustern wondered aloud if the General would now be eligible for social security and, if Congress has its way, healthcare. Michelle Malkin added that this was another example of Obama's fawning over Europeans while ignoring red-blooded Americans right here at home."This Polack already has a skyway and a day named for him. And what have we named for great Americans like Karl Rove...nothing." Other Fox News critics suggest that, because Pulaski carried a sabre into battle, he was probably anti-gun.



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Well, you know it's Christmas time. The air is a little crisper; the days are shorter and your television is aglow with an unending series of Kay Jewelers ads. Can't we petition Amnesty International or the Geneva Conventions to have these ads declared a form of torture? Seriously, every kiss may begin with K(ay) but they end with H1N1.



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Andre Agassi has recently published a tell-all autobiography in which, among other revelations, he admits to having hated tennis for all the years he was winning major tournaments.


In a related story former President George W. Bush is about to complete his own memoir in which he confesses to have hated drinking for all the years up to the time his wife read him the "it or me" speech around his 40th birthday. "I never liked the taste much" the former Commander-in-Chief admits. "If it wasn't for the buzz I would have preferred Fresca". Who knew?



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One hundred days into their imprisonment, the three American hikers arrested on the Iraq-Iran border in July have released a statement. While heart-warming, the communication makes no mention of how anyone could be stupid enough to go for a stroll in possibly the most dangerous part of the world. Were flights to Darfur all booked?


Naturally, we all hope that these knuckleheads get back safely but a condition of their release should be that their travel be restricted to Disneyworld and, for any sexual liaisons, the Appalachian Trail.

...or is Antonin Scalia the most powerful man in America?

Some debates I get. People can have differing opinions about issues like abortion and both sides can claim the moral high ground; a woman's rights over her own body vs. the sanctity of a life not your own. The argument over healthcare can be made and disputed with each opinion having merit. I cannot, however, understand the debate that will occupy the Supreme Court this week over whether teenagers can be sentenced to life in prison for crimes in which no one was killed.



According to the New York Times (who presumably does not have a dog in the fight) there are 107 people in the United States serving life sentences who were convicted and sentenced as juveniles. As you can imagine, no other western society has any. Shocker! Of these prisoners, 77 are in Florida and it is a Florida case that the Supremes will hear. The Sunshine State is also a leader in executions. All those old people are cranky!



Florida got serious about incarcerating children, and just about everyone else, back in the 1990's when violent crime among juveniles was at an all-time high. All that mayhem was not only scaring the pensioners, it was causing all those German vacationers to consider going somewhere more sedate, like Beirut. In 2005 the High Court ruined everyone's good time by forbidding the execution of anyone under the age of 18. Clearly those bleeding hearts in Washington don't understand the need to set a good example for all that Eurotrash. Anyway, just because the good citizens of Florida can't fry high school sophomore doesn't mean that they can't lock 'em up and throw away the key.



The particular cases to be argued involve two tykes who were working on their rap sheet merit badges from an early age. Neither is a person you want living in the house next door. Terrence Graham committed a violent armed robbery while out on parole for another felony. Joe Sullivan raped a 72 year old woman. No one is suggesting that these two slimeballs be sent to bed without their supper. However, life without parole, or LWOP, can't be the only option.



Naturally, adherents to the hang-'em-high school point to a drop in juvenile crime in the last several years but, considering that we're only talking about 77 inmates it appears unlikely that those criminals would have accounted for all that crime. Anyone who asserts that these stiff sentences are a deterrent is just playing to a frightened constituency. Crime stats go up and down for all sorts of reasons.



This is a decision that needs to be made from 10,000 feet. It's not about one horrific crime that cries out for harsh justice. It's about who we are and what we're becoming. We already condone state-sponsored killings in all but twelve states. We have more people in prison per capita than any other country. District attorneys who run on get-tough platforms are never around to discuss the cost of housing all those offenders. We have to be smart enough to devise a punishment system that includes a little compassion and a little hope. Why does it take a Supreme Court ruling to tell the country what we should already know? When no deaths are involved, a lengthy prison sentence can be imposed but there should be a limit on years. Forever is a long time, especially when you're 16 or 17. Immaturity and stupidity aren't always forever. Neither should the punishments they demand.

...or does Fox News exist solely to make the rest of us feel smarter?

Well, now that "Decision 2009" is over, we can safely say all the important questions have been answered. Was the election in the frozen tundra of New York's 23rd Congressional District a referendum on Conservatives vs Moderates in the Republican Party? Ask Fox. Was the never-in-doubt Governor's race in Virginia a rebuke of Barack Obama? Ask MSNBC. Was the not-as-close-as-you-thought defeat of Jon Corzine a repudiation of men who foppishly dropped the "h" from their first name? CNN knows. Was the closer-that-expected election for mayor in New York affected by a six game World Series? Inquire at ESPN.

The answer to the burning question as to what we learned from the governors' races in New Jersey and Virginia, the answer is ...nothing. Jersey first. Corzine was wildly unpopular long before the President proposed healthcare. He was losing his grip on power well before the tea-baggers showed on Fox News. No one in the Garden State trudged to the polls on Tuesday to express an opinion on Barack Obama. They voted against Jon Corzine. The happy beneficiary of that sentiment was Chris Christie who happened to be a Republican. Had the party labels been reversed, the result would have remained the same: incumbent out...new guy in.

Virginia is a bit different. Bob McDonnell defeated Creigh Deeds because Deeds ran the single most inept campaign since John McCain. McDonnell is a social neocon of the first magnitude. He's one of the last of the "bare-foot and pregnant" crowd. The choice should have been one guy walking upright; the other, not so much. Sadly, Deeds never bothered to tell anyone who he was. Having somehow beaten Terry McCauliffe in a primary, he apparently felt the fight was over. The voters of Virginia felt otherwise. If you wish to draw a conclusion fror this contest draw this one: if you run a crumby campaign you will likely be the one making the early concession speech to an empty ballroom.

With regards to the imperial election in New York, you can't help but wonder; if $85 million only buys you 51% of the vote, what would a landslide cost? Michael Bloomberg laid out $152 for every New Yorker that circled his name. For that money you could almost buy a ticket to a Yankee game. Still, New Yorkers take exception to having their term limits laws ignored even by a mayor as reasonably popular as Little Mikey. In the future Mayor Bloomberg would be advised to try for something less stressful... like Eliot Spitzer's press agent.

And now we come to the Land That Time Forgot...New York's chilly 23rd Congressional District. This place is so far upstate that snow is considered a natural resource. It's also home to some of the country's most rock-ribbed conservatives. The 23rd hasn't voted for a Democrat practically since the Erie Canal opened. It was impossible for the GOP to lose this seat when the President nominated Congressman John McHugh to be Secretary of the Army. Ah, but no one ever went broke underestimating the ineptitude of the Republican Party. The party locals nominated Dede Scozzafava to run in a special election. But wait! Ms. Scozzafava is pro gay. She's pro choice. She's (dare we say it) moderate. That would never do.

Determined to cause a problem where none existed, the neocon purists decided to abandon sweet Dede in favor of a "true" conservative, Doug Hoffman. Never mind that he didn't actually live in the district or understand what issues mattered to the locals, he had his social ducks in order. Apparently Alaska's own Sarah Palin assumed that anyone with frost in their ears was her kind of people. After all, the populations are almost identical: 600,000 or so people trying to keep warm. Sarah lent her 1,000 watt smile and her lower wattage brain to the contest. This sort of carpetbagging went over like a Jello snow shovel. The Republicans were able to turn a sure victory into another Congressional vote for the Blue team. These guys couldn't get a Muslim elected in Iran.

So, what have we learned from "America goes to the Polls, 2009"? From Jon Corzine we learned that incumbency is it's own punishment. From Creigh Deeds we discovered that campaigning isn't really underrated. From Mike Bloomberg we find out that the third time isn't always the charm or three strikes and you're out. And from the "defeat from the jaws of victory" crowd in New York's 23rd district we learned that up state New Yorkers can smell manure even under all that Alaska snow.

...or is your plagiarism, my research?

Things shamelessly stolen from other media (sort of like CNN.com).

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No doubt you've read about the Fairfax, Virginia man who was arrested for standing in front of his kitchen window au natural. The Fairfax cops showed up in full gear brandishing a taser (one can only imagine where it was pointed) and placed the pervert, Eric Williamson, in cuffs. In that Mr. Williamson had no criminal record and no complaints had ever been filed, why didn't the cops let him go with a slap on the wrist (or some other more appropriate body part)? The answer might be that the initial complaint was made by a cop's wife. Why she felt the need to stare into Mr. Williamson's kitchen window with her 7 year old son is unclear. Had the sexes been reversed the window gawker would certainly have been arrested as a peeper.


Fortunately, the Fairfax County prosecutor appears reluctant to prosecute. That's good for Mr. Williamson in that he would face a year in jail as well as a permanent scarlet letter as a sex offender. On the plus side, he would save a fortune in candy come Halloween.



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Explain to me again why police officers are required to carry their sidearms off duty.

A Baltimore cop was arrested last week for pointing his gun at a costumed Halloween character in a haunted house. Sgt. Eric Janik (presumably now "former" Sgt. Eric Janik) drew and aimed his off duty pistol at Michael Morrison who was dressed as a character from the Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Mr. Morrison was armed with a chainless chain saw. Witnesses said that Sgt. Janik appeared to be extremely drunk. Shocker!

Authorities strongly advise anyone cruising Baltimore in late November dressed as a turkey to avoid the Janik neighborhood.



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Several large stores withdrew an offensive Halloween costume from the shelves this year but for the life of me I can't understand why. The costume, called illegal alien, consisted of a space alien mask, a prison jump suit and a green card. Honestly, some people have no sense of humor.



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An Italian couple sued the owners of a cruise line for $4,500 claiming they had not been told that the cruise they booked was designed entirely for gay couples. One wonders exactly when they figured it out. Didn't they notice all the matching luggage? As the only straight couple on board (no mention was made as to the sexual proclivity of the crew), the pair felt "uncomfortable and embarrassed". Anyway it wasn't a total loss. The couple developed a real taste for Barbara Streisand.

...or is it only everyone else's Congressman who needs to go?

What will the Democrats do about Charlie Rangel? The Harlem Congressman has generated more tax violations than the rest of Washington, D.C. combined, including Marion Barry. The IRS has reserved an entire wing of its building to the Rangel paperwork. Wikipedia has 2 1/2 pages on Charlie called "2008-2009 Ethics and Tax Controversies" and 2009 isn't even over. Rangel may be a fixture in the House of Representatives and the Chairman of the "powerful" House Ways and Means Committee (the committee's name never appears without the word "powerful" as a prefix) as well as a decorated veteran of the Korean War, but seriously...



Charlie Rangel is the embodiment of the American success story. Poor NY upbringing, worked all kinds of jobs, law school at night, served in the war, blah, blah, blah. The man he replaced in the House of Representatives was the legendary ACP. (That's Adam Clayton Powell to those west of the Hudson.) Powell was ousted by Congress for an inability to remember which money was his and which was the government's. Powell was immensely popular in Harlem and were it not for the scandal (and his death in 1971) he would still be in the House. How fitting that Charlie Rangel, elected through a scandal, should fall victim to the same issue.

Taken separately, Rangel's tax transgressions don't amount to much. Failure to report a de facto gift by his landlord in allowing Rangel to rent space in Harlem at a much reduced rent. Failure to report as income the rental of a beachfront property he owns in the Dominican Republic. Storing his old Mercedes in a congressional storage facility in violation of the rules. Providing tax cover to a company called Nabors Industries whose CEO donated $1 million to the City College of New York for the Charles B. Rangel Center for Public Service and the Charles Rangel Library. (This last issue might merit a bit more scrutiny if only because of the hubris involved.)

Collectively, however, Rangel's cavalier attitude regarding the reporting of income represents the blatant arrogance of a Congressman who clearly assumes that the laws don't apply to him. The bad press that emanates from petty criminals like Rangel not only distracts from the bigger issues facing Congress, it allows America's bigots to dismiss minority representatives as just another safe-seat, black politician stuffing his pockets. His constituents are painted as too stupid to throw the bum out.


Rangel needs to go or, at least step down from his Ways and Means Committee chairmanship. Failure to clean their own House makes Democrats look no better than the Tom DeLay Republicans, gerrymandering Texas districts. Barack Obama was elected to attempt change in government. How is an ethics committee expected to censure John Ensign? My old English teacher, Fr. Bill Carney use to say "You can't have a clean house if you store the garbage cans under the piano". (Maybe it sounded better when he said it.) President Obama might not be able to clear all corruption from Washington but he can at least encourage his own party to purge the low hanging fruit. The fruit doesn't get much lower than Charlie Rangel.

...or is ice cream a dish best served cold?

Today boys and girls, we try a new subset of isitjustme called "How'd that work out for you?" The purpose of these vignettes (aside from filling space in my empty life) will be to examine the unintended consequences of poorly thought-out actions. To wit:


Meleanie Hain gained fame and praise from the National Rifle Assoc. for openly toting a Glok 26 automatic pistol to her daughter's soccer game in Sept. 2008. She was seen by the gun-happy champions of the Second Amendment as a shining example of every American's right to bear arms. Ms. Hain made the news again last week, as the victim of a murder-suicide by firearm. Hain was found dead along with her estranged husband Scott who is the presumed shooter. The couple had three children. Comment from the NRA is apparently lost in the mail.



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Recently in the news was Luis Armando Pena Soltren, who turned himself in to authorities and confessed to his role in the 1968 hijacking of Pan Am flight 281 to Cuba. Although the arrival of his flight in Havana was cheered by Fidel & Co., his celebrity was short lived. For his troubles, Mr. Soltren got to spend the next 40 years as a field hand. Do those commies know how to say thanks or what? Soltren volunteered that next time he hijacks a plane he will fly it to Alaska and sell it on ebay.

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A father in Peoria, Arizona was troubled that his 20-year daughter was becoming "too westernized" and not living her life according to the family's Iraqi traditions. To emphasize his concerns, Mr. Falah Hassan Almaleki approached his daughter, Noor Falah Almaleki, and her friend in a parking lot with his Jeep Grand Cherokee and ran them over. The daughter is in critical condition and the friend is serious. Mr. Almaleki is at large but authorities are anxious to ask him how he thought the grill of a sport utility vehicle would instill Islamic values in his wayward daughter. Of equal importance is why he would relocate to a country whose values and lifestyle make him a homicidal moron?

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Playboy Magazine, in a last desperate effort to reverse its slide into irrelevancy, has announced that its Christmas issue will feature a cover illustration of Marge Simpson au natural. All attempts to elicit comment from Betty Boop and Olive Oil have thusfar gone for naught. Should this pathetic cry for renewed hipness fail, the magazine will proceed with plan B which includes: a nude pictorial of The Women of Medicare and, a photo spread of Hugh Heffner's latest party at the mansion featuring Heff having sex with the donut dollies of WWII

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People seeking self-actualization, contact with their inner child or any other self-help claptrap would be well advised to steer clear of "The Sweat Lodge of James Arthur Ray". The death of Liz Neuman, guest at Mr Ray's $9,000, two day spiritual retreat brings to three the number who have died at the hands of the Sedona, Arizona, self help wizard. It seems that the victims were crammed into the sweat lodge in order to purge their bodies. The unfortunate three had their bodies purged of their lives.

There's nothing funny about the tragic deaths of three human beings but seriously, what's wrong with us? We could fill a concert hall with the Deepak Chopra's and M Scott Peck's; all self-help millionaires just bursting to tell you how to fix yourself. Ever wonder why all those guys are smiling? They know that P.T. Barnum was wrong. There's a sucker born every ten seconds. This is not to suggest that the three sad souls in Arizona deserved what they got or, that groups like ALANON and AA don't do fantastic work. This is only to suggest that, before you put your emotional, spiritual or financial well-being in the hands of some capped-tooth, fast talking con man you saw on TV maybe you should 1) talk to a friend, 2) talk to a parent or 3) talk to a priest. Hell, unless your problem is alcohol, talk to a bartender. At least he won't put you in a sweat lodge.

...or is Christianity about to see a reconcillation bigger than Jon & Kate?

" And he said to them, follow me and I will make you fishers of men."

Matthew (chapter IV, v. 19)


The Roman Catholic Church has recently decided that, rather than trolling for converts one at a time (expensive and inefficient), they would, instead, cast a wider net. After all, there are only so many pagan babies left in the world. The target is the Anglican Communion which includes the 2.3 million members of the U.S. Episcopal Church. The Anglicans have been engaged in a civil war with themselves since the 70's when, horror of horrors, they began to ordain women as priests. Predictably the best argument for an all-male clergy (aside from the hassle of creating a girls locker room for the seminary basketball program) was that well, there had never been women priests before. There had also never been air conditioning in the rectory but that installation didn't seem to cause an ecclesiastical furor.

As if ordaining women wasn't blasphemous enough, the consecration of Eugene Robinson as the first openly gay bishop in 2003 was, as the Irish say, beyond the beyond. Robinson was elected Bishop of his New Hampshire diocese by a council of both clergy and lay people. There is no single head of the Anglican or Episcopal Churches so there is no one to whom the conservatives/reactionaries can appeal. The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, is the symbolic head of the Anglican Church worldwide but the title is mostly honorary (think Harry Reid in the Senate and Derek Jeter on the Yankees). Williams has been dealing with a virtual schism between conservatives and progressives within the Church ever since dioceses and parishes started defecting. Ironies abound.

In 1534 everybody's favorite English king, Henry VIII, decided that he could run the Church in England better than the Pope in Rome. His decision resulted in: a windfall of revenue from Church lands, a divorce from his then wife Katherine and, a considerable number of headless and barbecued English Catholics who expressed a contrary opinion. Breaking from Rome was all the rage in the 16th century (Lutherans, Calvinists, etc.)although Rome took umbrage at this decentralization.

Anyway, aside from the replacement of the Pope with Henry (Actually the Archbishop of Canterbury became functional head of the Church in England. Once Henry got the money and his divorce, he lost interest.) the Catholic liturgy of the English church remained mostly intact. Since Henry, England has had several brief dalliances with a Roman reconciliation. Henry's daughter Mary tried as did Charles I but, alas, it was not to be. Naturally the Popes in Rome applied their usual velvet glove approach, promising eternal damnation to anyone who swore religious allegiance to the King. While this concept gained some traction, keeping one's bowels inside one's body trumped the potential loss of one's soul. More recently Pope John Paul had attempted a gentler approach, emphasizing the commonality shared by both Churches.


Owing to the expansion of the British Empire the Anglican Church has a considerable flock. There are 80 million Anglicans worldwide making them the third largest Christian group behind the Catholics and the Eastern Orthodox Catholics. Ironically, (I promised irony) many American Catholics are flocking to the kinder, gentler Episcopal Church. After all, if you're going to ignore the constant stream of doctrines and prohibitions coming from your pope and bishops, why not do it from the pews of a Church that actually wants you. It's simple: Catholic Church - exclusive...Episcopal Church - inclusive.

As the name suggests, the Anglican Communion is a loose coalition of national/regional churches. Each country's Church functions independently. The name "Anglican" is derived from the Latin Ecclesia Anglicana meaning Church of England but the bonds are loose. The Anglican Church in Nigeria (Africa is the fastest growing region for Anglicans and Catholics) may object to gay clergy in America but they are powerless to reverse the trend.

However, cognizant of the desires of many Anglicans in America to return to the 15th century, where men were men and women were chattel, the Church in Rome is having a special. For a limited time (my words not theirs) disgruntled Anglicans may return to the Church that Henry forced them to leave all those years ago...and they get to bring their married priests with them. A document called The Apostolic Constitution will clear the way for entire congregations of Anglicans to join the Catholic Church.


In that the liturgy, rituals and sacraments are the same, most Anglicans won't notice much difference. How the transfer of Church buildings and property will be handled is a detail. Because the text of the Constitution hasn't been made public (at least not to Wikipedia or Google), how this reconciliation will come to pass is a bit mysterious. One thing is certain, Anglicans will have to start listening to the Pope in Rome. Ironically, (I told you) American Catholics listen to the dictates of the Pope about as often as they obey speeding laws. Henceforth we may have a situation where the Anglicans are more Catholic than the Catholics.

The effect might well be Three Anglican Churches instead of the two that are currently forming. We will have the Catholic Anglicans, the Non-catholic Conservative Anglicans (mostly in the South) and the Liberal Episcopalians. Something for everyone. Why this matters, I couldn't say. What I can say is that, while conservatives in the Anglican Church might side with Rome on homosexuality and women clergy, wait until they hear the phrase made famous by St. Augustine "Roma locuta causa finita est" or "Rome has spoken and that settles the matter". Maybe gay bishops aren't so bad after all.

...or has there ever been any "reality" in reality television?

This is all your fault. If you have ever watched an episode of "Survivor, Galapagos Island" it's your fault. If you ever stopped for a minute on "Biggest Loser" to confirm that you are actually thinner than someone, it's your fault. If you tuned into "The Great Race" to see how a couple could possibly escape from South Yemen armed with only a box of raisins and a tube of Aquafresh, it's your fault. You are responsible for Richard Henne, Mayumi Henne, Falcon Henne and the entire moronic sham perpetrated on America by the chronically attention-starved gang from Colorado.

This is where we are, America. We can't read or support a newspaper. Can't think for ourselves. (Why bother when Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh have volunteered to tell us what to think?) Can't concentrate on a film story more complicated than Saw XXVI. And can't get passed the second paragraph of an on-line news feature. We have made it possible for cable television stations to survive with nothing more original than reruns of Wheel of Fortune and faux-reality shows. We have made stars out of Jon Gosselin, Randy Jackson and Richard Hatch; people with no discernible skill or talent save that of appearing on TV cheaply. (BTW if you don't know who any of these people are, there's hope for the planet.)

Why would anyone be surprised that Richard Heene, with a taste of fame from that PBS look-alike "Wife Swap", would involve his family in a tortured scheme to return to the small screen in his very own reality show? Armed with nothing more than three exploitable children and a wife with the IQ of a Phillips screwdriver, Heene developed a scenario whereby all America would breathlessly follow the flight of a flying saucer made from Reynolds Wrap. Can you imagine how disappointed Geraldo Rivera was that he couldn't be at the crash site if only to discover that the balloon was as empty as Al Capone's Vault?

Well, no harm done. OK, so Denver Int'l was shut down for a time. Yes, two helicopters were scrambled to assist in a possible rescue. And law enforcement from all over Eastern Colorado wasted precious time and resources chasing after an inflated Crunch Bar wrapper. At least Mr. Heene got what he wanted...publicity. Tragically, like most reality shop asshats, Mr. Heene didn't think his plan all the way through. He didn't count on scientists calculating that, with the weight of a 37lb boy onboard, the balloon could never have taken off. Or, like W.C. Fields discovered, trying to get children to perform their lines can be a bitch.

If there's a God, Richard Heene and his mostly silent wife will get to refine their attention-getting plans as guests of the Colorado Department of Corrections. Perfect! With any luck, the entire Heene family will serve a few months in the hoosegow, only to be released in time for the fall TV lineup, 2010. If the DOC cooperates, we might even get some live feeds from inside the pen. Who wouldn't want to see Mr. Heene getting a man-part surprise in the shower or Mrs. Heene making an "arrangement" with a guard for a better mattress. That's entertainment.

Face it! If a women can get on TV for having eight children and Anna Nichole Smith can appear in an unscripted show highlighting her talent as a drunk and an opportunist, why shouldn't Richard Heene become the Mr. Wizard of 2009? Perhaps he could instruct children on the art of parlaying a high school knowledge of aviation into a multi-state hoax involving his own kids. Or a cooking show on the Food Network. He could demonstrate how to cook up a dangerous fabricated story that might have resulted in the injury of a rescuer. Given the craven nature of today's audiences and the number of hours of programming required by hundreds of cable outlets the possibilities are limitless.

Just remember as you're shaking your head at the continuing stream of facts coming from the Ft. Collins PD, if you even peek at "America's Got Talent" or "Nanny 911", you are an un-indicted co-conspirator. Believe it!

...or will newspapers be safe as long as the world needs birdcage liners?

Things you missed or saw but ignored:

Item

Rush Limbaugh, consummate showman and antagonist extraordinaire has withdrawn/been pushed out of a bid by Dave Checketts to purchase the St. Louis Rams football team. Limbaugh was to have been a silent partner (Insert snarky comment here!). Limbaugh was painted as a "distraction" by the Checketts group. That's code for " Limbaugh's seemingly racist comments over the years made him radioactive to the NFL and its players, 70% of whom are black". Few tears will be shed for Rush who has made the "love him or hate him" numbers of Howard Cossell look like Mahatma Gandhi.

Nevertheless, there is a principal involved and it's the sort of principal that keeps the ACLU in business. (The prospect of the ACLU defending Rush Limbaugh is enough to cause Glen Beck and Chris Mathews to have a simultaneous orgasm.) Why should Mr. Limbaugh be prohibited from owning a football team purchased with the revenues from his radio programs? You might not like his opinions but his popularity among his many fans is unquestioned. Should he be denied the opportunity to flush millions of dollars down an NFL toilet merely because we don't like his politics?

Let's remember the NFL comes by its probity somewhat recently. Tim Mara, former owner of the NY Football Giants and founding member of the NFL, was a bookmaker by trade. Edward DeBartolo, former owner of the San Francisco 49er's, once pled guilty in connection to a fraud and bribery case involving Edwin Edwards of Louisiana. If likability was a prerequisite for membership, few owners would make the grade. Everyone except Texans thinks that Jerry Jones is a loud-mouth jerk. Dan Snider, owner of the Redskins, is a guy with too many dollars and too little football sense. Rush Limbaugh should fit right in.

There is, however, a certain irony to a situation in which a man who refuses to acknowledge the existence of racism and prejudice should become one of its victims. Perhaps the next time Rush launches into one of his rants about the politically correct society in which we live, he might pause to reflect on how it feels to be excluded from a club for reasons other than merit.
When pigskins fly!
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Admit it! It hurts to look at Olympia Snowe. If that bun were any tighter, she'd look like an astronaut in a 5G simulator.
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...and while we're on the subject, please explain why our healthcare legislation is being decided by Blue-dog senators from states with fewer actual people than attend an Ohio State football game on Saturday? The offenders include: Max Baucus, Montana; Tom Carper, Delaware; Kent Conrad, North Dakota; Mary Landrieu, Louisiana; Blanche Lincoln, Arkansas; the aforementioned Ms. Snowe of Maine and everyone's favorite pain-in-the-ass, Joe Lieberman, Connecticut. Do the math. These seven states represent 13.7 million citizens or 4% of the population. Even if you include Bill Nelson of Florida, you only get to 10%. I don't know about you but I prefer my legislation to be crafted by legislators who have some skin in the game. Montana mountain goats don't need much health care. Louisiana gators have almost no use for a public option. And for leadership we turn to Harry Reid, Nevada, pop. 2.6 million. Let's just have the whole healthcare bill drafted by Eni Fa'aua'a Hunkin Faleomavaega, Jr., non-voting delegate from American Samoa; population 65,000. Now we're cookin'.

...or does irony really go well with herring?

We all need to stop picking on the Norwegians. Their choice of the sainted Barack Obama (may his burgers always arrive medium rare) may contain more wisdom than was originally believed. After all, they almost never get to honor anyone that anyone ever heard of. They award prizes in Physics, Medicine, Chemistry (actually the President should have nailed that one, too) and Economics to a deserving but largely anonymous group of academics. Even the Literature prize invariably goes to some third world scribbler who sells fewer books in a career than Dan Brown does at lunch on a Tuesday in Spokane. Seriously, in the last fifty years the Nobel Prize in Literature was awarded to exactly six people you ever heard of: John Steinbeck, Jean-Paul Sartre (he was too depressed to accept), Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, Saul Bellow, Toni Morrison and Harold Pinter. Maybe Samuel Beckett. Other notables include Nadine Gordimer, Orthan Pamuk and Naguib Mahfouz. Really? The entire list reads like the 1934 graduating class from Ellis Island.


Who can blame the electors in Stockholm for choosing a famous person for the Peace Prize? How else will Thorbjorn Jagland, Chairman of the Nobel Committee ever get Fox News to mispronounce his name? Face it, you're not going to appear on the front page of The New York Times (above the fold) for naming Rigoberta Menchu Tum, winner in 1992, to anything except his work on stomach acid.



Everyone knows that the Nobel Prize was named, and paid for, by Alfred Nobel the inventor of dynamite. That's akin to naming a congeniality award for Dick Cheney. In the true spirit of Mr. Nobel, the electors of the Prize decided to blow something up, namely the collective craniums of Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Sean Hannity and the entire editorial staff at The Wall Street Journal. Norway hasn't made that much noise since Knute Rockne showed Notre Dame how to fling a football.

Naturally, in the spirit of Cub fans who disdainfully reject home run souvenirs hit by opposing clubs, the wingnuts of the conservative right have virtually insisted that President Obama reject the Prize. William Kristol, linchpin writer for the Weekly Standard has affirmed that, because the President hasn't produced anything of value, he is unworthy of acclaim. Mr. Kristol may wish to remember his own words in the unlikely event that the Pulitzer committee comes calling.

Others, like Michelle Malkin of Fox News, suggest the $1.5 million-ish monetary prize that accompanies the Nobel medal be donated to the families of servicemen killed in the Iraq/Afghanistan Wars. How fitting that the network at the forefront of American aggression in the world also comfortably participates in the distribution of donations to those who have suffered most as a result of their bellicose rhetoric. No doubt Ms. Malkin will remember this expression of generosity the next time she receives a check for one of her speaking engagements.

Forgotten in all of the furor over The Obama Award is the one man with a genuine axe to grind: Bill Clinton. The man who brokered the Good Friday Accords in Ireland and worked tirelessly to bring peace to the Middle East (including sitting for days next to the soap-and-toothpaste-averse Yasser Arafat) has once again been passed over. Mr. Clinton has a case. Like Al Gore(2007), Jimmy Carter (2002) and Barack Obama, he too is "not George W. Bush". He can justifiably point to the fact that the Nobel Committee has kissed every Democratic ass short of Chuck Shumer in the last fifteen years. In 1994 the Nobel Committee honored everybody involved in the Middle East peace talks except the guy who catered the dinner. Still, no Bill Clinton.

Sadly,Bill may be doomed to share the historical shadows with Mohandas K. Gandhi, Pope John Paul II and Eleanor Roosevelt, all of whom were passed over by the Norwegians. (Gandhi was nominated five times. Apparently the Norwegians were concerned about the fashion issues involved with white tie and loin cloth.) President Clinton will have to draw solace from the knowledge that, with or without a Nobel Peace Prize, he still isn't George W. Bush. Thank heaven for small blessings.

...or should army generals be more like umpires, doing their best work invisibly?

What do we make of Lt. General Stanley McChrystal? This is a tough one. Like General Patraeus, McChrystal is no poster boy for "kill 'em all and let God sort them out". He is intelligent, well educated, thoughtful & media savvy. His appearance on 60 Minutes was a clear and well presented statement of our goal in Afghanastan. He did not attempt to convince anyone of the righteousness of America's role in the region. He merely explained how he intended to proceed with the mission as he understood it. Seven years of Bush/Cheney and nine months of Obama/Biden have been less successful at explaining what we are trying to accomplish in this moonscape of a country. We were impressed.


Nevertheless, it was General McChrystal who was the pentagon pointman for the most disgraceful saga of the Bush Administration's pursuit of the absurd, obscene war in East Asia; the whitewash and cover-up of the death of Pat Tillman. As most people, know Pat Tillman was a highly regarded professional football player for the Arizona Cardinals who, in response to the attacks of 9-11, left a $3.6 million contract on the table to enlist in the Army Rangers. After two tours in Iraq and Afghanistan he was killed on April 22,2004.


Initially, Tillman's death was presented by the Army and the White House as the tragic loss of a true American patriot killed in the line of duty. This was six months before the presidential election and the Bush people were in the fight of their lives. A war hero was just what the doctor ordered. (Dr. Karl Rove, that is.) The White House had McChrystal and General John Abizaid, head of U.S. Army Central Command, award Tillman a Silver Star and posthumous promotion. A later investigation by General Gary Jones learned that Tillman was killed by friendly fire, possibly even intentionally. Subsequent investigations prove that both Abazaid and Gen. McChrystal knew of the circumstances of Tillman's death and proceeded with the cover-up and the awards. McChrystal actually wrote the details of the purported firefight that killed Tillman, singling him out for valor.



At Tillman's funeral, broadcast on national TV, senior military officers were told to lie to the Tillman family as were the attending members of Tillman's unit. Were it not for the tenacity of the Tillman family, determined to get the truth, the Army and the Bush White House might have succeeded with the whitewash. Pat Tillman was a true American hero. He didn't need the liars and spinmasters of the Bush White House to provide fake medals and bogus awards.



As for Stanley McChrystal, he wouldn't be the first good soldier to do a bad thing. He appears to understand what's needed in Afghanistan. We need a way out. We don't need "Wag the Dog".

...or is stalking really the sincerest form of flattery?

During the 3+ year existence of isitjustme (the anniversary was July 26 in case you wish to write it down), there has never been the need for a retraction or apology. (Unless you count the apology for comparing Dick Cheney to a flatulent baboon. We apologized to the baboon.) The reason for this hubris might be that isitjustme is never wrong. A more likely explanation is that I don't remember what was written from one day to the next and therefore can't recall the reason for the apology. Nevertheless, before I forget the reason for this mea culpa, allow me to elaborate.



In a posting dated 9/28/09 I opined that the US government certainly had better things to do than pursue a 76 year old film maker on a 31 year old statutory rape conviction. It was suggested that Roman Polanski should be left to live out his remaining years sipping chardonnay, munching camenbert and wondering what the French see in Jerry Lewis. This ill-considered position was taken merely as a response to the fanfare arrest in Switzerland and the knee-jerk reaction of the French. Now, like the French, I too, must reconsider.

In 1978, nine years after the tragic murder of his wife at their Beverly Hills home, Polanski drugged and seduced a 13 year old girl at the home of Jack Nicholson. Not a 17 year old starlet who looked 22. Not even a willing 15 year old. The child was drunk and doped with half a quaalude. The original charges included: rape with the use of drugs, sodomy, and lewd and lascivious acts upon a child under 14. Polanski admitted the crime when he was arrested and rather than be tried and sentenced to 10 or so years in Soledad prison, he pled guilty to a lesser charge of "engaging in unlawful sex with a minor". How that differs from statutory rape, you will have to ask the legislators of California. Fearing that his plea bargain would be ignored by the presiding judge, Polanski beat feet for England then France where, as a French citizen, he could avoid extradition.

Now that the Swiss have handcuffed Polanski to a giant cuckoo clock awaiting a one way trip to the good old USA, the Hollywood community has rushed to the defense of one of their own. Whoopie Goldberg, who has one daughter and two grand daughters, had the colossal chutzpah to suggest that "it wasn't rape-rape". Apparently, in the confused mind of Ms. Goldberg, if the attacker doesn't jump out of the bushes and beat the hell out of the victim, it's not rape. Really? Would that be true if the perp hadn't directed Chinatown?

In another world-turned-upside-down moment, Woody Allen has weighed in as a supporter of the "free Roman" movement. Woody, who subscribes to the tenet that, when it comes to seducing young people there's no place like home, has added his name to the more than 100 Hollywood heavies who believe that Polanski has suffered enough. Clearly, waiting til Monday for Sunday's Times and denied the joy of watching the Dodgers in person is a cross too terrible to bear. Death, where is thy sting? When Woody Allen is the guy defending your morals, you had better have a good lawyer.

Movie mogul Harvey Weinstein, the person circulating the petition to free Polanski, has opined that poor Roman has served his time. He accuses the US government of criminal conduct for reneging on the plea agreement in 1979. He asserts that the "so-called crime" pales in comparison to the unequalled oeuvre amassed by this great artist. Jesus, where is the blacklist when you really need it?

Just in case you are on the fence about this (old crime...victim who forgives the perp...old man...great director) remember the interview that Polanski gave in 1979 to Martin Amis. He said (pardon the language) "...if I had killed someone, it wouldn't have had so much appeal to the press, you see. But fucking and the young girls...everyone wants to fuck young girls". Even if that were true, most people wouldn't feel justified in including champagne and quaaludes in the seduction. But then most of us aren't great artists, thank God.

...or am I forever doomed to be the guy who brings beer goggles to a wine tasting?

Things of which I am officially sick:

1) The health care debate.
As if "debate" was even what is happening in the country today. If the colossally ill-informed people of white middle-America want to live out the remainder of their days in fear of what a family medical emergency might do to them and their finances; fine. If they have forgotten every horror story they ever heard from the next door neighbor about Aunt Harriet who was diagnosed with whatever and couldn't get Aetna or Blue Cross to cover the treatment; great. If they imagine that a government run health plan will be any more odious than the private, for-profit insurance companies currently conspiring to deny coverage for any specious reason; terrific. After a year of patiently explaining the facts of health care to these mopes, I'm done. If we pass it; great. If we don't; fine. Let Max Baccus and Chuck Grassley explain to their constituents why bankruptcy and welfare are viable alternatives to the public option.
I'm done.

2) The reintroduction of Michael Vick into pro football.
Please! If Michael Vick were a steamfitter would anyone care of he went back to his job after a term as a guest of the federal penal system? It's not as though he was a child molester applying for his old teaching job at the local grammar school. I mean how many dogs is he likely to encounter on your average gridiron? The man did his time (and a lot of time it was). Let him play.

3) Steroids in baseball.
We are attacking this from the wrong angle. We should permit, even encourage, professional athletes to take as many performance enhancing drugs as their swollen bodies will tolerate. Admit it. We all want to see baseballs fly over the walls. Is there anyone in America who, having seen Sammy Sosa balloon from a skinny Dominican (fifteen homers in his first year in the Bigs) to a bulky, uniform-tearing killer who bashed 60 home runs for three consecutive years, didn't know he was juicing? Did anyone care? If these guys want to destroy their bodies and shrivel their johnsons for the chance to make a few million in pro ball, let 'em. Athletes believe they are immortal so why not give them a chance to test the theory? Wrestlers do it all the time and no one bats an eye. I say, bring out the juice and if one of our diamond heroes should explode while rounding second base, the ground crew is more than capable of dealing with the clean-up.
Play ball.

4) The bizarre arrest of Roman Polanski in Switzerland.
Well, I guess now that the guardians of liberty in the federal government have arrested Najibullah Zazi and his band of merry bomb-makers, they are free to apprehend some real criminals. In a deal worked out with the Swiss, who apparently also have a lot of law-enforcement time on their hands, Polanski was arrested last Saturday in Zurich while traveling to a film festival. Yes, Polanski is a bit of a sleaze and he did have sex with a thirteen year-old (statutory not forcible) but seriously, the original arrest warrant was issued in 1978. It has more dust on it than George Bush's copy of the Constitution. Polanski is 76. He has lived through Nazi Germany and the horrific murder of his wife and unborn son. His exile from the United States has deprived him of the joy of Netflix, drive-through liquor stores and the rapturous excitement of voting for George W. Bush...twice. The man has suffered enough!

5) Anything to do with the death of Michael Jackson.
Given that the 24 hour news cycle requires constant nourishment, one can sympathize with the media's need to cover every story as if it were WWII. Nevertheless, Michael Jackson wasn't Gandhi, Kennedy or John Paul II. His death, while tragic, was not historically significant. His final resting place is grist for an obit, not the front page of the Washington Post. The investigation of his death should be followed on Entertainment Tonight not Meet The Press. The headline "I Had Michael Jackson's Third Child" should remain in supermarket checkout lines and never, ever show up in the Magazine section of the New York Times. Dignity, people!

6) All things revealed to Oprah.
Hey, Oprah's OK. She's non-confrontational and mildly entertaining. (Not that I would ever watch the show.) However, sleeping with your father (Mackenzie Phillips), abuse as a child (Rosie O'Donnell), or how you crack-smoked away a flourishing career (Whitney Houston) should never be more than one day stories. Celebrities screwing up their lives is about as novel as politicians cheating on their wives. Of course, if the politician is a family-values, anti-gay Republican I fully anticipate and applaud the miscreant's wife flogging her new tell-all book...on Oprah.

...or were we a little hasty in letting all of the Southern States back in the Union?

Pardon my indelicate phraseology but, WTF is wrong with South Carolina? For a state whose primary contribution to society is South of the Border and a few pretty good golf courses, South Carolina has been nothing but trouble. Hell, even the coach of the university's football team is a jerk.

In the debates at the Continental Congress it was South Carolina's Edward Rutledge, then the youngest delegate, who insisted on removing the clause from the Declaration of Independence that condemned slavery. Throughout the first fifty years of the Republic, Congressmen and Senators from the Palmetto State did all they could to disrupt the Federal Government. Most notable among the troublemakers was John C. Calhoun. As a senator and twice vice president, Calhoun forced his brand of states' rights, including every man's right to own other men, on a country conflicted. SC has been a carbuncle on the behind of the body politic since 1861 when it was the first state to secede from the Union. We should have let it go.

To judge by the conduct of South Carolina politicians since 1865, you might be confused as to who finished second in the War Between the States. SC has sent a bellicose if unremarkable succession of nullifiers and obstructionists to both Houses of Congress. Most recently we had Strom Thurman, a man so determined to deny civil rights to African Americans that he changed parties rather than support Johnson's Civil Rights Act of 1964. Thurmond was quoted in 1948 saying "There's not enough troops in the army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigra race into our theaters..." Naturally, the people of South Carolina continued to send Senator Thurmond back to Congress every six years in spite of his failing mental health. I guess it was hard to tell.

Now we have Jim DeMint and Joe Wilson. DeMint has been in the Senate since 2005 and although still in his first term, has managed to piss on every good-government campfire since he arrived. DeMint carries a full bag of Rightwing Conservative claptrap. He's opposed to abortion, hates gays, blah blah blah. He was one of only two Senators to oppose Hillary Clinton's appointment to be Secretary of State. (The other was David "I have all my hookers on speed dial" Vetter.)

Then we come to the primary reason for this screed, Joe Wilson. Wilson earned his white sheet while working as an aide to Strom Thurmond in the early 60's. His unremarkable rise to pseudo prominence in South Carolina politics has been...unremarkable. The only impression he is likely to leave on the legislative process is the stain he left last night. Achieving a new high in low, Rep. Wilson proved that there is a species in South Carolina even farther down the food chain than Mark Sanford. By interrupting the President of The United States with the cat-call "you lie", Wilson proved that the Republican response to the President's leadership on healthcare is nothing more than bad manners. FYI, the President's assertion that the healthcare bill makes no provision for illegals has been fully vetted by factcheck.org. One can only be reminded of the quote by Joseph Welsh during the Army-McCarthy hearings in 1954, "Have you no sense of decency sir?"

Happily, no one thus far has rushed to defend Joe Wilson. (No doubt Fox News will find a silver lining.) John McCain called the outburst "totally disrespectful". Wilson has apologized but it's too early to know how sorry he may actually be. He won his district in 2008 by the slimmest margin so far and last night's performance has already fattened the war-chest of his opponent in 2010.

Tragically, Wilson although despicable, is more a symptom than a disease. The visceral reaction of southerners to a black liberal in the White House is leaking all over American politics. It seems that any breech of etiquette, any secession of civility, any deplorable conduct is to be understood because "that guy" is in the White House. Barack Obama is far from sainthood (although he can see it from where he's standing) but he is The President. Regardless of the damage done to the office by the Bush/Cheney cabal, we still expect our elected leaders to shut up and let the man talk.

Anyway one can't help feeling sorry for South Carolina. When all anyone remembers about a visit to your state is the cheese grits in Charleston, or the 12th hole at Tradition Golf Club, we can feel your pain. However let this be a warning: we of the other 49 will only tolerate your boorishness for so long. Shape up! Toss out your unzipped governor and start electing people who don't eat with their fingers. If you don't fix yourselves, we might just trade you back to Great Britain for Monserrat and an island to be named later. You'll have no one but Joe Wilson to blame.