This is all your fault. If you have ever watched an episode of "Survivor, Galapagos Island" it's your fault. If you ever stopped for a minute on "Biggest Loser" to confirm that you are actually thinner than someone, it's your fault. If you tuned into "The Great Race" to see how a couple could possibly escape from South Yemen armed with only a box of raisins and a tube of Aquafresh, it's your fault. You are responsible for Richard Henne, Mayumi Henne, Falcon Henne and the entire moronic sham perpetrated on America by the chronically attention-starved gang from Colorado.
This is where we are, America. We can't read or support a newspaper. Can't think for ourselves. (Why bother when Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh have volunteered to tell us what to think?) Can't concentrate on a film story more complicated than Saw XXVI. And can't get passed the second paragraph of an on-line news feature. We have made it possible for cable television stations to survive with nothing more original than reruns of Wheel of Fortune and faux-reality shows. We have made stars out of Jon Gosselin, Randy Jackson and Richard Hatch; people with no discernible skill or talent save that of appearing on TV cheaply. (BTW if you don't know who any of these people are, there's hope for the planet.)
Why would anyone be surprised that Richard Heene, with a taste of fame from that PBS look-alike "Wife Swap", would involve his family in a tortured scheme to return to the small screen in his very own reality show? Armed with nothing more than three exploitable children and a wife with the IQ of a Phillips screwdriver, Heene developed a scenario whereby all America would breathlessly follow the flight of a flying saucer made from Reynolds Wrap. Can you imagine how disappointed Geraldo Rivera was that he couldn't be at the crash site if only to discover that the balloon was as empty as Al Capone's Vault?
Well, no harm done. OK, so Denver Int'l was shut down for a time. Yes, two helicopters were scrambled to assist in a possible rescue. And law enforcement from all over Eastern Colorado wasted precious time and resources chasing after an inflated Crunch Bar wrapper. At least Mr. Heene got what he wanted...publicity. Tragically, like most reality shop asshats, Mr. Heene didn't think his plan all the way through. He didn't count on scientists calculating that, with the weight of a 37lb boy onboard, the balloon could never have taken off. Or, like W.C. Fields discovered, trying to get children to perform their lines can be a bitch.
If there's a God, Richard Heene and his mostly silent wife will get to refine their attention-getting plans as guests of the Colorado Department of Corrections. Perfect! With any luck, the entire Heene family will serve a few months in the hoosegow, only to be released in time for the fall TV lineup, 2010. If the DOC cooperates, we might even get some live feeds from inside the pen. Who wouldn't want to see Mr. Heene getting a man-part surprise in the shower or Mrs. Heene making an "arrangement" with a guard for a better mattress. That's entertainment.
Face it! If a women can get on TV for having eight children and Anna Nichole Smith can appear in an unscripted show highlighting her talent as a drunk and an opportunist, why shouldn't Richard Heene become the Mr. Wizard of 2009? Perhaps he could instruct children on the art of parlaying a high school knowledge of aviation into a multi-state hoax involving his own kids. Or a cooking show on the Food Network. He could demonstrate how to cook up a dangerous fabricated story that might have resulted in the injury of a rescuer. Given the craven nature of today's audiences and the number of hours of programming required by hundreds of cable outlets the possibilities are limitless.
Just remember as you're shaking your head at the continuing stream of facts coming from the Ft. Collins PD, if you even peek at "America's Got Talent" or "Nanny 911", you are an un-indicted co-conspirator. Believe it!
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