We have a Pope.
He's a white male over 75. He was elected by 117 Cardinals who were appointed by either John Paul II or Benedict XVI. His views on social issues are well documented. He is conservative enough to run for Congress in any one of six East Texas districts. So, because the election took place around Passover, I am reminded of that famous Seder question "Why is this night different from all others"? Answer; it's not. Aside from the speed with which the Cardinals made a decision there's not much new here. (I am reliably informed that the decision was made urgently what with more than 100 old men forced to share a bathroom.) And after all, Cardinal Bergoglio was runner-up to Benedict XVI in 2005 (It seems that Cardinal Bergoglio was leading, until the tricky talent competition when he dropped his crosier.)
Seriously, Francis I is as likely to bring the Church into this century as Rick Santorum is to marry his mailman. It's mystifying that the election of every pope (I've seen six so far) is followed by a wave of unwarranted expectation for change. Commentators and journalists busy themselves for hours reading the tea leaves for clues as to what steps the new Pontiff might take to improve Catholicism. "He took the bus to work and lived in a modest apartment in Buenos Aires"; "he's a Jesuit, he's never worked in Rome, he has never had his mind warped by that viper's den that is the Roman Curia." Well, pardon my Latin but BFD!
The greatest irony in Catholicism was the sight of nuns weeping openly in Vatican Square when the new Vicar of Christ was announced. I can only guess they're crying over their continued pitiful treatment at the hands of the geezers in the red beanies; a plight that's likely to change around the same time that openly gay priests will be allowed to marry...each other.
Watching the Church deal with its shrinking flock and legal nightmares is like watching the Republicans attempting to fix their issues. The only difference between them is membership. The Church has 1.2 billion. The RNC has 34. (The same number that regularly attend Mass in France.) Before you can fix a problem, you have to admit you have one. The bishops and cardinals in Rome have convinced themselves that issues like child molestation are isolated incidents blown out of proportion by a hostile, secular press. Why does a religion that places such a premium on contrition have such trouble admitting its own sins? When your best defense is that the percentage of priests who are child abusers is about the same as for the population as a whole, you don't need a new pope you need Dr. Phil.
The Catholic Church needs transparency. They don't have to change their policy on married priests (God forbid) but what would it hurt to have a public conversation? No one is expecting a synod of bishops to debate the virginity of Mary but why would it be a problem to have one regarding women priests? At the end of the day at least people would understand the Church's objections. When your answer to every controversy is "Because we say so" you drive Catholics away in droves. This isn't the twelfth century. The good old days days of Tomas de Torcuemada and his creative methods of persuasion are over. The time of rewarding dissent with a trip to the Protestant barbecue pit are done. The Church needs more than threats and fear. They need to respond to a congregation that's educated, logical and less impressed by Roman collars than in generations past.
Francis is a Jesuit and the Jebs are educators with a deep respect for inquiring minds. Perhaps this Pope will treat the Catholics of the 21st century with the intellectual respect they deserve. Hey, it could happen.
Saturday, April 06, 2013
Friday, April 05, 2013
...or are states controlled by Republicans trying to look like North Korea only with better haircuts?
Really, I get the "low taxes, small government" argument. I do. Your Department of Defense wastes 80 billion in cost overruns every year. Both parties spend too much. Congress and the federal government are merely training grounds for lobbyists and corporate spin doctors. The will of the people is thwarted every day by professional politicians more focused on re-election than why they were elected. (See: "lack of action on gun registration.") The Republican Party has a valuable role in curbing the profligate nature of Democrats who often believe that the federal purse is the answer to everything.
However, rather than govern or legislate, Republicans have continued to propose and pass state laws designed exclusively to pander to the dumbest, most reactionary of their constituents. Note: Please , if you can point to one,just one, Democratically controlled statehouse guilty of passing goofy laws like these I'll gladly offer equal time and equal ink. A few of these laws are noted below:
1) The Old Dominion of Virginia is facing a gubernatorial race in November. The leading candidate for the GOP is State Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli. Kenny is a Roman Catholic, tea party zealot who has spent his four year term trying to: 1) prohibit abortions in the state, 2) repeal National Healthcare, 3) block immigration reform, 4) encourage discrimination against gays, 5) discredit climate science. That's one busy asshat!
Cuccinelli has recently filed a petition to uphold Virginia's anti-sodomy law. Laws like this have been deemed unconstitutional for ten years. In 2003 the Court told Texas they had no right deciding who puts what where as long as the players were consenting adults. Apparently Cuch isn't buying what the Supremes are selling. Playing to his Christian friends in Roanoke "Missionary Ken" is determined to be the anti-blowjob candidate. I'm sure his anti-LGTB stance played no part in his position.
2) The great state of North Carolina, not to be outdone, has decided that "the Constitution be damned". Ten state legislators have proposed a law which (are you ready?) would allow North Carolina to establish a state religion. Unfazed by details like the First Amendment, these glue-sniffers think that the federal government has no power over them. Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't we discuss this very issue from 1861 to 1865? I know I read that somewhere. So, even if this passes the legislature in N. Carolina, it's DOA in DC. The only reason for even proposing this is to give the finger to the federal government and look tough to the corn-cobbers in Durham. BTW any guesses as to the religion of choice? Islam? Buddhism?
Again, if you know of a comparable Democratically sponsored bill, tell me.
And then there's South Carolina, ever in a world all its own The Palmetto State is listed here, not because of any legislative turdblossoms but because GOP voters have decided they just can't get enough of that Appalachian Asshat, Mark Sanford. Yes folks, SC's disgraced former governor barely deplaned from Argentina with his hot new South American fiancee (aka the bimbo in Buenos Aires) before announcing his candidacy for the U.S. Congress. Naturally, the good people of the First District, never ones to hold a grudge, said "Sure, why not?" Remember, Sanford only left the governor's mansion in 2011, eighteen months after he was outed as a cad. He will return to Congress as the current recipient of the David Vetter Rehabilitated Swordsman Award given to legislators who, having been caught with their pants down, have survived and prospered. God may forgive sins but the GOP is aces when it comes to forgiving sinners. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord and pass the condoms.
These legislative misdemeanors are only the most recent and egregious missteps by the Republicans and their teabagger minions. Not listed here are the states lining up to suppress voter turnout by demanding photo ID at the polls. (Ten states and counting.) Also unlisted are the states rushing to pass any crazy gun law that looks like an F You to Washington's efforts to curb gun violence. Add in North Dakota and its draconian new abortion law and you get a vivid picture of the tone of governance rampant in states run by teabaggers.
True, Maryland has just eliminated the death penalty, extended social benefits to illegals and severely restricted the sale and possession of firearms but these "liberal" laws do no harm and in fact attempt to do good. (Texas, by the way, has offered to execute Maryland's capital criminals if "Maryland is too woosie to do it themselves") There is no meanness afoot in Maryland as there is across the Potomac. No one in Maryland is trying to force their brand of religion or morals on its citizens. The answer to Newtown, CT and Aurora, CO may not be harsher gun laws but it certainly isn't more guns.
So while the legislatures of states like Virginia, North Dakota and North Carolina continue hissy-fits to rebel against federal authority, let's try to have a little patience. A reckoning is coming. Our Latin brothers are on the rise and on the march. Before too long the legislatures of Georgia and Texas; of Kansas and Arizona will thrill to the refrain "...all in favor of the bill on the floor, please signify by saying 'Si".
However, rather than govern or legislate, Republicans have continued to propose and pass state laws designed exclusively to pander to the dumbest, most reactionary of their constituents. Note: Please , if you can point to one,just one, Democratically controlled statehouse guilty of passing goofy laws like these I'll gladly offer equal time and equal ink. A few of these laws are noted below:
1) The Old Dominion of Virginia is facing a gubernatorial race in November. The leading candidate for the GOP is State Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli. Kenny is a Roman Catholic, tea party zealot who has spent his four year term trying to: 1) prohibit abortions in the state, 2) repeal National Healthcare, 3) block immigration reform, 4) encourage discrimination against gays, 5) discredit climate science. That's one busy asshat!
Cuccinelli has recently filed a petition to uphold Virginia's anti-sodomy law. Laws like this have been deemed unconstitutional for ten years. In 2003 the Court told Texas they had no right deciding who puts what where as long as the players were consenting adults. Apparently Cuch isn't buying what the Supremes are selling. Playing to his Christian friends in Roanoke "Missionary Ken" is determined to be the anti-blowjob candidate. I'm sure his anti-LGTB stance played no part in his position.
2) The great state of North Carolina, not to be outdone, has decided that "the Constitution be damned". Ten state legislators have proposed a law which (are you ready?) would allow North Carolina to establish a state religion. Unfazed by details like the First Amendment, these glue-sniffers think that the federal government has no power over them. Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't we discuss this very issue from 1861 to 1865? I know I read that somewhere. So, even if this passes the legislature in N. Carolina, it's DOA in DC. The only reason for even proposing this is to give the finger to the federal government and look tough to the corn-cobbers in Durham. BTW any guesses as to the religion of choice? Islam? Buddhism?
Again, if you know of a comparable Democratically sponsored bill, tell me.
And then there's South Carolina, ever in a world all its own The Palmetto State is listed here, not because of any legislative turdblossoms but because GOP voters have decided they just can't get enough of that Appalachian Asshat, Mark Sanford. Yes folks, SC's disgraced former governor barely deplaned from Argentina with his hot new South American fiancee (aka the bimbo in Buenos Aires) before announcing his candidacy for the U.S. Congress. Naturally, the good people of the First District, never ones to hold a grudge, said "Sure, why not?" Remember, Sanford only left the governor's mansion in 2011, eighteen months after he was outed as a cad. He will return to Congress as the current recipient of the David Vetter Rehabilitated Swordsman Award given to legislators who, having been caught with their pants down, have survived and prospered. God may forgive sins but the GOP is aces when it comes to forgiving sinners. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord and pass the condoms.
These legislative misdemeanors are only the most recent and egregious missteps by the Republicans and their teabagger minions. Not listed here are the states lining up to suppress voter turnout by demanding photo ID at the polls. (Ten states and counting.) Also unlisted are the states rushing to pass any crazy gun law that looks like an F You to Washington's efforts to curb gun violence. Add in North Dakota and its draconian new abortion law and you get a vivid picture of the tone of governance rampant in states run by teabaggers.
True, Maryland has just eliminated the death penalty, extended social benefits to illegals and severely restricted the sale and possession of firearms but these "liberal" laws do no harm and in fact attempt to do good. (Texas, by the way, has offered to execute Maryland's capital criminals if "Maryland is too woosie to do it themselves") There is no meanness afoot in Maryland as there is across the Potomac. No one in Maryland is trying to force their brand of religion or morals on its citizens. The answer to Newtown, CT and Aurora, CO may not be harsher gun laws but it certainly isn't more guns.
So while the legislatures of states like Virginia, North Dakota and North Carolina continue hissy-fits to rebel against federal authority, let's try to have a little patience. A reckoning is coming. Our Latin brothers are on the rise and on the march. Before too long the legislatures of Georgia and Texas; of Kansas and Arizona will thrill to the refrain "...all in favor of the bill on the floor, please signify by saying 'Si".
Monday, February 18, 2013
or would we all like to know how to say "you can take this job and shove it" in Latin?
Aside from Dan Brown who can hardly wait to twist the Papal resignation into a new vehicle for Tom Hanks, I can't see why all the fuss over the announcement that Joe Ratzinger a.k.a. Benedict XVI is retiring. It's not like he's Tony Bennett. The guy is 85 and looks every day of it. Look, if you can't keep your head up while wearing the papal crown, you should probably take it off. John Paul II waited too long and ended up looking like his neck wasn't attached to his head. (What...too soon?)
Anyway, the charming fact is that the only way the Pope was able to get anyone in America or Western Europe to pay any attention to him was to quit. Prior to his resignation he was as relevant as Paul McCartney who also hasn't produced anything noteworthy in 30 years.
Benedict leaves the Vatican (do you suppose he walks out the gate like Jake Blues leaving prison in the Blues Brothers?) in a terrible mess. Americans attend Mass with the frequency with which they pay their taxes...and with as much joy. Joke: St. Mary's Catholic Church was having a problem with squirrels in the attic. Nothing worked to get rid of them until Father O'Brien had an idea. He had all the squirrels baptised as Catholics. Now they only show up on Christmas and Easter. In Europe, even in ostensibly Catholic countries like Spain and Italy, the average age of the people at Mass on Sunday is AARP+25. If not for tourists many churches would be abandoned. (Did you ever notice that while traveling in Europe you will make it a point to visit every church you see but at home you would never check out a church in say Toledo or Baltimore? Why is that?)
Clearly, people don't feel the need to attend services in a church that doesn't appear to like them or relate to them. When 90% of Catholics practice birth control (the other 10% are either pregnant, infertile, or are dating Donald Trump) you have a disconnect. When the faithful hold moderate views on married priests, women priests and even abortion while the hierarchy and the clergy cling to attitudes made popular during the Middle Ages, you have a disengaged flock. The bishops in Rome are like the teaparty but with sillier hats. It's the reformation of the bored. Catholics just don't find anything in the church that speaks to them although there are many in the pulpit speaking at them.
Then we have the issue of child abuse and the incredibly tone-deaf way the church has dealt (or not dealt) with the aftermath. This issue isn't going away any time soon but a little candor and a lot of compassion might have made Rome look a little less Fagen and a little more like the paragon of morality they profess to be. My old teacher, "Bald" Bill Carney, OSA use to say "you can't claim to have a clean house if you hide the garbage cans under the piano". The church can't do much about the horrific decisions that were made by bishops and cardinals in the 40's and 50's but that can sure as hell make the records public and "out" every predator priest and enabling pastor and bishop. In the process of trying to protect one or two felons the church has sacrificed every bit of good will they had on the altar of obfuscation. As any apartment dweller in Manhattan will tell you, when you see one bug, there are most certainly others.
The cluelessness of the Vatican was never more on display than when the cardinals met in conclave following the death of John Paul II. In fairly short order, they elected to the papacy the one man most responsible for the cloak of secrecy that surrounded their dirty little sin of pederasty. Joseph Ratzinger was rewarded by the College of Cardinals for keeping the biggest scandal since the Borgias as contained as possible. In his role as head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (known in former centuries by its more infamous name, The Inquisition) Cardinal Ratzinger ensured that all reports of pedophile priests and their helpers came to him...and only him. Rome was a bit slow to get the memo that, in 2013, there are no secrets and nothing can be contained for long.
Nevertheless, Joe Ratzinger became Pope. In that capacity he has continued in the pinched footsteps of his predecessor. No, not Torquemada...John Paul II. He has refused to even listen to talk of married priests or a softening of the prohibition on birth control. His response to a call for a greater role for women in the Church has been to censure American nuns who have advocated for change. The Church continues to serve up the same bitter gruel and wonders why no one is asking for seconds. Relevance goes deeper than a Twitter account or being able to buy a hair shirt on RCC.com. If the Cardinals in Rome don't start thinking about ways to connect with developed countries, they will continue to be as anachronistic as nuns in habits.
And, as if the disgraceful handling of the child abuse scandal in the U.S. wasn't already shining a harsh light on the Church in general, we now have the tale of Cardinal Roger Mahony. Mahony was forced to step down as archbishop of Los Angeles when it was learned that he allowed a notorious pedophile priest, Nicolas Rivera, to escape to Mexico in 1988 rather than face charges in the U.S. Cardinal Manony's felonious conduct will, of course, not prevent him from sauntering off to Rome to participate in the election of the new pope. This is a bit like asking Bernie Madoff to help elect the next chairman of the SEC.
And so, beginning on March 15th we will be treated to an army of television journalists standing in St. Peter's Square breathlessly watching for white or black smoke. These are the same reporters who otherwise would be standing around in front of Silvio Berlusconi's house to see how many women were doing the walk of shame on Sunday mornings. When a new pope is chosen we will be treated to the customary appearance on the balcony of the residence while the adoring masses, none of whom have attended Mass in ten yeas will cheer for La Papa. His robes appear heavy and the papal hat always looks too big. The look on his face will show just a trace of embarrassment. Maybe now we know why.
Anyway, the charming fact is that the only way the Pope was able to get anyone in America or Western Europe to pay any attention to him was to quit. Prior to his resignation he was as relevant as Paul McCartney who also hasn't produced anything noteworthy in 30 years.
Benedict leaves the Vatican (do you suppose he walks out the gate like Jake Blues leaving prison in the Blues Brothers?) in a terrible mess. Americans attend Mass with the frequency with which they pay their taxes...and with as much joy. Joke: St. Mary's Catholic Church was having a problem with squirrels in the attic. Nothing worked to get rid of them until Father O'Brien had an idea. He had all the squirrels baptised as Catholics. Now they only show up on Christmas and Easter. In Europe, even in ostensibly Catholic countries like Spain and Italy, the average age of the people at Mass on Sunday is AARP+25. If not for tourists many churches would be abandoned. (Did you ever notice that while traveling in Europe you will make it a point to visit every church you see but at home you would never check out a church in say Toledo or Baltimore? Why is that?)
Clearly, people don't feel the need to attend services in a church that doesn't appear to like them or relate to them. When 90% of Catholics practice birth control (the other 10% are either pregnant, infertile, or are dating Donald Trump) you have a disconnect. When the faithful hold moderate views on married priests, women priests and even abortion while the hierarchy and the clergy cling to attitudes made popular during the Middle Ages, you have a disengaged flock. The bishops in Rome are like the teaparty but with sillier hats. It's the reformation of the bored. Catholics just don't find anything in the church that speaks to them although there are many in the pulpit speaking at them.
Then we have the issue of child abuse and the incredibly tone-deaf way the church has dealt (or not dealt) with the aftermath. This issue isn't going away any time soon but a little candor and a lot of compassion might have made Rome look a little less Fagen and a little more like the paragon of morality they profess to be. My old teacher, "Bald" Bill Carney, OSA use to say "you can't claim to have a clean house if you hide the garbage cans under the piano". The church can't do much about the horrific decisions that were made by bishops and cardinals in the 40's and 50's but that can sure as hell make the records public and "out" every predator priest and enabling pastor and bishop. In the process of trying to protect one or two felons the church has sacrificed every bit of good will they had on the altar of obfuscation. As any apartment dweller in Manhattan will tell you, when you see one bug, there are most certainly others.
The cluelessness of the Vatican was never more on display than when the cardinals met in conclave following the death of John Paul II. In fairly short order, they elected to the papacy the one man most responsible for the cloak of secrecy that surrounded their dirty little sin of pederasty. Joseph Ratzinger was rewarded by the College of Cardinals for keeping the biggest scandal since the Borgias as contained as possible. In his role as head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (known in former centuries by its more infamous name, The Inquisition) Cardinal Ratzinger ensured that all reports of pedophile priests and their helpers came to him...and only him. Rome was a bit slow to get the memo that, in 2013, there are no secrets and nothing can be contained for long.
Nevertheless, Joe Ratzinger became Pope. In that capacity he has continued in the pinched footsteps of his predecessor. No, not Torquemada...John Paul II. He has refused to even listen to talk of married priests or a softening of the prohibition on birth control. His response to a call for a greater role for women in the Church has been to censure American nuns who have advocated for change. The Church continues to serve up the same bitter gruel and wonders why no one is asking for seconds. Relevance goes deeper than a Twitter account or being able to buy a hair shirt on RCC.com. If the Cardinals in Rome don't start thinking about ways to connect with developed countries, they will continue to be as anachronistic as nuns in habits.
And, as if the disgraceful handling of the child abuse scandal in the U.S. wasn't already shining a harsh light on the Church in general, we now have the tale of Cardinal Roger Mahony. Mahony was forced to step down as archbishop of Los Angeles when it was learned that he allowed a notorious pedophile priest, Nicolas Rivera, to escape to Mexico in 1988 rather than face charges in the U.S. Cardinal Manony's felonious conduct will, of course, not prevent him from sauntering off to Rome to participate in the election of the new pope. This is a bit like asking Bernie Madoff to help elect the next chairman of the SEC.
And so, beginning on March 15th we will be treated to an army of television journalists standing in St. Peter's Square breathlessly watching for white or black smoke. These are the same reporters who otherwise would be standing around in front of Silvio Berlusconi's house to see how many women were doing the walk of shame on Sunday mornings. When a new pope is chosen we will be treated to the customary appearance on the balcony of the residence while the adoring masses, none of whom have attended Mass in ten yeas will cheer for La Papa. His robes appear heavy and the papal hat always looks too big. The look on his face will show just a trace of embarrassment. Maybe now we know why.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Or has the Stupid Party decided that stupid actually works for them?
It has been several weeks since Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana took to the podium in Williamsburg, VA and encouraged his Republican brothers to stop acting as if loopy were a requirement for party membership. Thus far his message has gone largely unheeded. Perhaps he should buy some ad time on "Swamp People". Southerners are fond of saying "you can't fix stupid", a condition with which they are all too well acquainted. It would now appear that Governor Jindal is the only member of his party to even recognize the "stupid" problem.
For proof that the message isn't getting through, one need look no farther than the events of this week. To wit:
The face of the GOP has recently morphed from orange to bronze in the person of Florida's Senator Marco Rubio. Senator Rubio was chosen to present the sane Republican response to the President's State of the Union message on Tuesday night. The Stupid-wing Republican rebuttal followed immediately thereafter. That task went to Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky. In this dubious role, Paul was following in the erratic footsteps of such revered statesmen as Herman "9-9-9" Cain, Michele Bachmann of Minnesota and the singing fish from the McDonald's ads. Seriously, if your party can't even chose one person to espouse your beliefs, you had better start making a short list of rebuttal speakers for year 2017 and beyond.
Anyway, Senator Rubio delivered his address in Spanish as well as English. Who said those Republicans aren't reaching out? However, no sooner had Rubio intoned "y que continue bendiciendo a Los Estados de America" than some Republican luddite who missed the memo criticized Rubio for forgetting that English is America's language. No doubt he said it in a dialect no Englishman would understand.
While Senator Rubio was using his prime-time moment to express Republican inclusivity toward a voting block that ruined Election Day for his party, he was a bit slower to represent for another constituency that went against the GOP...women. On Tuesday, as he was putting the finishing touches on his Valentine to Hispanics, Rubio took time to join 22 other Republican Senators in attempting to scuttle a reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act originally past in 1994. Apparently Marco's largess extends just so far. Fortunately, there were 72 other Senators who felt that violence against women was a moral priority, not just an opportunity to show off your language skills. Rubio and the other 22 numskulls in the Senate would be well to remember that women speak English and they heard loud and clear all of those "no" votes.
Because Senators and Congressmen are forbidden to bring explosive devices into Congress for the President's speech, Congressman Steve Stockman of The Peoples Republic of East Texas, bought his own whoopee cushion. Stockman, who represents all that is daffy about the GOP (his next-store neighbor in East Texas is Louie Gohmert) invited Ted Nugent to attend the State of the Union speech. Nugent, who hasn't been a force in music since Hall and Oats were popular, has nevertheless kept busy as an obnoxious spokesman for gun violence in America. Mostly noted for shooting off his mouth Nugent has nonetheless attracted the attention of the Secret Service. It seems that people who mention guns and the President in the same sentence get special attention from law enforcement even when they have the demonstrated intelligence of a guitar pick. Anyway, Nugent sat in the gallery glaring but causing no great fuss and Stockman, his host, just looked foolish.
But looking foolish is what Bobby Jindal was talking about in his speech. Every time a Republican espouses some crackpot idea (guns in church comes to mind) the entire party looks crazy. Like it or not, people tend to take voting seriously. Why is it that only Karl Rove gets this? Folks may complain about Harry Reid or Claire McCaskill but when they close the curtain in the voting booth they tend not to vote for people who appear uninformed, unaware or unhinged. We like our elected representatives to at least appear normal, not on a two day pass from the "home". Conservative die-hards may rail against reporters who ask hard questions of their candidates but bad answers make an impression.
And so when the clown car pulls up in front of the Congressional Office Building, don't be surprised to see all those teabagger Republicans pile out. They're really easy to spot. They will be armed to the teeth, toting Bibles and texts on creationism. They'll be the ones droning-on about how climate science is a hoax and Barack Obama is a socialist Kenyan. But pay them no mind. They will be gone shortly, replaced with a new gaggle of even crazier loons. Texas alone could keep Washington in crackpots for years. So best of luck to Bobby Jindal and Karl Rove. Maybe they can't fix stupid but they can at least quarantine it to East Texas.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
...or should no one be surprised that if you elect constipated conservatives to govern your state, your Capitol will eventually fill up with shit?
Sorry for the unfortunate choice of words but the staggering volume of bad laws working their way through many state legislatures engenders wonder, disgust and the occasional scatological reference. Barack Obama (may his smile never grow a cavity) and the Democrats may have won a few victories in the last general election but the sewer rats who took over 28 state houses in 2010 are the termites eating the presidential platform.
Naturally, most of these evil deeds are coming from the South and the Northern Midwest where disgruntled voters were less than thrilled to learn that Barack H. Obama would be beaming at them from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. for four more years. Well, they may not be able to stop National Healthcare and they couldn't prevent a tax increase for the well-off (which most of them aren't anyway) but by God they can turn back the liberal hoard in other ways. Here are just a few of the new initiatives that are working their way through state houses in the hinterlands: Note, not all of this nonsense is actual law and most of it will never be voted on (thank God) but crazy legislators in many state houses have proposed them and some have been passed by at least one house.
Republicans are sick and tired of losing elections in the electoral college. Actually, most red state shmos don't really even understand the electoral college or how it works. Many think it's a university somewhere in New York City. Nevertheless they are vexed when a large majority of the counties in a given state vote Republican but large population centers turn the state blue. With the winner-take-all system in most states, places like California, New York, Illinois and several others are reliably blue although many of their counties lean radically to the Right. (Nebraska and Maine are different. They have apportioned delegates.) Never mind that in 2012 Barack Obama won both the popular vote in those states and the only time in recent memory that a popular vote winner lost the election was Al Gore in 2000. Lost on the GOP is the fact that they have actually won 9 of the last 16 elections with the current system.
(For a look at how the election of 2012 broke out by county, check RealClearPolitics at:
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/)
Republicans are unmoved by little stuff like the will of the people (in California, Pres. Obama won 60% of the total votes cast). Their attitude is simple, if you can't win on the merits, tilt the playing field. So, several states are trying to change the winner-take-all system and replace it with an apportioned system. Virginia's House of Delegates actually tried to sneak such a bill through the state house while one Democrat was attending the inauguration in January. This is a bad idea on several fronts but mostly because it might come back to bite Republicans on the ass. Georgia, Texas, Arizona and a few others have a growing number of Hispanic citizens who, under the current electoral system are unrepresented in red states. The Dems might trade a few lost votes in Illinois for half of Texas and Georgia. The GOP just might just end up holding the wrong end of the shotgun.
And that brings us to guns. A few of our brother states (those with the lowest IQ and, coincidentally, the highest rate of guns per household) have decided not to wait and see what the hated socialist in the White House is cooking up regarding their right to keep and bear arms. Bastions of intellect like Texas, Missouri, and Mississippi are proposing to nullify any and all laws and executive orders that emanate from Washington which impinge on their sacred right to be armed to the teeth. Those Texas history books that make the news every year apparently don't include the chapters on nullification. None of these loony laws has the slightest chance of being constitutional but that isn't the point. The point is to act defiant in the face of reason; to look stupid when all around you appear rational; to draw a line in the sand with the barrel of your AR-15 and dare those commies in DC to cross it. It makes you wonder why the state motto of Texas isn't "Ignorance=Virtue".
This just in ...Arkansas has joined South Carolina, Louisiana and Wyoming in passing a law (yes, this one is a law) permitting churchgoers to carry loaded, concealed firearms into church. Presumably God knows who's packing. Actually each house of worship will get to decide if guns will be permitted and who can carry one. Henceforth, the term "squeezing one off in church" will have a whole new meaning. Wow, I'll bet those crosses and statues make tempting targets, not to mention long-winded preachers.
Speaking of church...
In case you thought the religious crazies had retreated to their snake-handling warrens, think again. There are new and draconian abortion laws wending their way through no fewer than twelve state houses. By now you could probably list them without help from isitjustme. My personal favorite is the state of New Mexico. The Land of Enchantment isn't usually listed among the wing-nut states. Its two million citizens went for Obama in 2008 and 2012. In spite of its proximity to uber-dopey Arizona, New Mexicans seem at peace with a population that is 30% Spanish speaking. Nevertheless, one state legislator has dreamed up a novel way to curtail abortion in her state.State representative Cathrynn Brown (yes, a woman) has proposed a bill which would make it a felony to have an abortion in the case of rape because (wait for it) the fetus would be evidence in a rape trial. Nifty, eh? Congratulations to Rep. Brown who, with one bill, has managed to make Todd Akin look like Susan Sontag.
Of course abortion isn't the only pet project of the religious right. Don't forget the "caveman riding dinosaurs" world of creationism. Apparently no one heard Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana when he admonished Republicans for being the stupid party. Actually Jindal wasn't even able to make himself heard in Louisiana or inside his own head. Jindal signed the "Louisiana Science Education Act" (irony, thy name is Jindal) which makes public funds available "in science classes" for the promulgation of alternate theories like creationism. It isn't bad enough that Louisiana wants to teach religious claptrap in public schools with state money. They want to do it in science class. That's like teaching pig latin in language labs or rejecting math formulas in favor of counting on your fingers. Jindal wants to change the GOP from the stupid party to the ill-informed party or the "gimmie that ole time religion" party.
Naturally, Jindal is a climate change denier. And why not? The governor of the state that experienced Katrina is the perfect spokesperson for the "man is having no effect whatsoever on the condition of the atmosphere" school of thought. (By the way, why aren't the teabaggers screaming for Bobby {his real first name is Piyush} Jindal's birth certificate? He looks about as American as the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.) As a Catholic, Jindal no doubt would have us pray for the climate to improve. In the meantime, if you're on Bourbon St. next week, expect to see people carrying signs that say, "show us your Smith and Wessons".
Wait, there's more. Robert Marshall, Republican state delegate from Prince William County, Virginia has proposed that Virginia study the possibility of minting its own money. Why? Well, for when the financial apocalypse arrives thanks to Obama's financial insanity, of course. Delegate Marshall thinks that Virginia, the state that gave America the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights, is the perfect place to provide gold and silver coins as legal tender when the zombies or who ever take over the Federal Reserve and the Treasury (if they haven't already). States are prohibited from minting paper money but they can mint commemorative coins which could be used as legal tender. I sincerely hope that the Virginia state house cafeteria avoids serving foods that require the use of a knife.
Again, let me remind you that all, repeat all, of these crackpot ideas are the products of Republican legislatures and governors. If this sort of lunacy occurred when Jimmy Carter or Bill Clinton was elected, I missed it. This is the work of teabaggers and their toadies' people elected to thwart the will of the majority. Small people who, unable to persuade anyone on the national level that their way is the only way, have hijacked local government. Make no mistake, these people are dangerous. They may be wearing tinfoil hats but their guns have real bullets and they're coming for your vote...one way or another.
In fairness, if anyone out there can point to just one similar sin of government perpetrated by the Democrats I will post it. Please don't tell me about National Healthcare or or recess appointments.
Naturally, most of these evil deeds are coming from the South and the Northern Midwest where disgruntled voters were less than thrilled to learn that Barack H. Obama would be beaming at them from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. for four more years. Well, they may not be able to stop National Healthcare and they couldn't prevent a tax increase for the well-off (which most of them aren't anyway) but by God they can turn back the liberal hoard in other ways. Here are just a few of the new initiatives that are working their way through state houses in the hinterlands: Note, not all of this nonsense is actual law and most of it will never be voted on (thank God) but crazy legislators in many state houses have proposed them and some have been passed by at least one house.
Republicans are sick and tired of losing elections in the electoral college. Actually, most red state shmos don't really even understand the electoral college or how it works. Many think it's a university somewhere in New York City. Nevertheless they are vexed when a large majority of the counties in a given state vote Republican but large population centers turn the state blue. With the winner-take-all system in most states, places like California, New York, Illinois and several others are reliably blue although many of their counties lean radically to the Right. (Nebraska and Maine are different. They have apportioned delegates.) Never mind that in 2012 Barack Obama won both the popular vote in those states and the only time in recent memory that a popular vote winner lost the election was Al Gore in 2000. Lost on the GOP is the fact that they have actually won 9 of the last 16 elections with the current system.
(For a look at how the election of 2012 broke out by county, check RealClearPolitics at:
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/)
Republicans are unmoved by little stuff like the will of the people (in California, Pres. Obama won 60% of the total votes cast). Their attitude is simple, if you can't win on the merits, tilt the playing field. So, several states are trying to change the winner-take-all system and replace it with an apportioned system. Virginia's House of Delegates actually tried to sneak such a bill through the state house while one Democrat was attending the inauguration in January. This is a bad idea on several fronts but mostly because it might come back to bite Republicans on the ass. Georgia, Texas, Arizona and a few others have a growing number of Hispanic citizens who, under the current electoral system are unrepresented in red states. The Dems might trade a few lost votes in Illinois for half of Texas and Georgia. The GOP just might just end up holding the wrong end of the shotgun.
And that brings us to guns. A few of our brother states (those with the lowest IQ and, coincidentally, the highest rate of guns per household) have decided not to wait and see what the hated socialist in the White House is cooking up regarding their right to keep and bear arms. Bastions of intellect like Texas, Missouri, and Mississippi are proposing to nullify any and all laws and executive orders that emanate from Washington which impinge on their sacred right to be armed to the teeth. Those Texas history books that make the news every year apparently don't include the chapters on nullification. None of these loony laws has the slightest chance of being constitutional but that isn't the point. The point is to act defiant in the face of reason; to look stupid when all around you appear rational; to draw a line in the sand with the barrel of your AR-15 and dare those commies in DC to cross it. It makes you wonder why the state motto of Texas isn't "Ignorance=Virtue".
This just in ...Arkansas has joined South Carolina, Louisiana and Wyoming in passing a law (yes, this one is a law) permitting churchgoers to carry loaded, concealed firearms into church. Presumably God knows who's packing. Actually each house of worship will get to decide if guns will be permitted and who can carry one. Henceforth, the term "squeezing one off in church" will have a whole new meaning. Wow, I'll bet those crosses and statues make tempting targets, not to mention long-winded preachers.
Speaking of church...
In case you thought the religious crazies had retreated to their snake-handling warrens, think again. There are new and draconian abortion laws wending their way through no fewer than twelve state houses. By now you could probably list them without help from isitjustme. My personal favorite is the state of New Mexico. The Land of Enchantment isn't usually listed among the wing-nut states. Its two million citizens went for Obama in 2008 and 2012. In spite of its proximity to uber-dopey Arizona, New Mexicans seem at peace with a population that is 30% Spanish speaking. Nevertheless, one state legislator has dreamed up a novel way to curtail abortion in her state.State representative Cathrynn Brown (yes, a woman) has proposed a bill which would make it a felony to have an abortion in the case of rape because (wait for it) the fetus would be evidence in a rape trial. Nifty, eh? Congratulations to Rep. Brown who, with one bill, has managed to make Todd Akin look like Susan Sontag.
Of course abortion isn't the only pet project of the religious right. Don't forget the "caveman riding dinosaurs" world of creationism. Apparently no one heard Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana when he admonished Republicans for being the stupid party. Actually Jindal wasn't even able to make himself heard in Louisiana or inside his own head. Jindal signed the "Louisiana Science Education Act" (irony, thy name is Jindal) which makes public funds available "in science classes" for the promulgation of alternate theories like creationism. It isn't bad enough that Louisiana wants to teach religious claptrap in public schools with state money. They want to do it in science class. That's like teaching pig latin in language labs or rejecting math formulas in favor of counting on your fingers. Jindal wants to change the GOP from the stupid party to the ill-informed party or the "gimmie that ole time religion" party.
Naturally, Jindal is a climate change denier. And why not? The governor of the state that experienced Katrina is the perfect spokesperson for the "man is having no effect whatsoever on the condition of the atmosphere" school of thought. (By the way, why aren't the teabaggers screaming for Bobby {his real first name is Piyush} Jindal's birth certificate? He looks about as American as the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.) As a Catholic, Jindal no doubt would have us pray for the climate to improve. In the meantime, if you're on Bourbon St. next week, expect to see people carrying signs that say, "show us your Smith and Wessons".
Wait, there's more. Robert Marshall, Republican state delegate from Prince William County, Virginia has proposed that Virginia study the possibility of minting its own money. Why? Well, for when the financial apocalypse arrives thanks to Obama's financial insanity, of course. Delegate Marshall thinks that Virginia, the state that gave America the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights, is the perfect place to provide gold and silver coins as legal tender when the zombies or who ever take over the Federal Reserve and the Treasury (if they haven't already). States are prohibited from minting paper money but they can mint commemorative coins which could be used as legal tender. I sincerely hope that the Virginia state house cafeteria avoids serving foods that require the use of a knife.
Again, let me remind you that all, repeat all, of these crackpot ideas are the products of Republican legislatures and governors. If this sort of lunacy occurred when Jimmy Carter or Bill Clinton was elected, I missed it. This is the work of teabaggers and their toadies' people elected to thwart the will of the majority. Small people who, unable to persuade anyone on the national level that their way is the only way, have hijacked local government. Make no mistake, these people are dangerous. They may be wearing tinfoil hats but their guns have real bullets and they're coming for your vote...one way or another.
In fairness, if anyone out there can point to just one similar sin of government perpetrated by the Democrats I will post it. Please don't tell me about National Healthcare or or recess appointments.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
...or is Notre Dame just Penn State with a cross over the door?
Come on sing it with me...
Fear, fear for old Notre Dame
Wake up the lawyers, ain't it a shame
Set a smoke screen from on high
Shake down subpeonas from the sky
OK enough of that. It will surprise no one among my circle of acquaintances that I am not a fan of the Golden Domers of Notre Dame. It started in 1971 when Notre Dame stole Fordham University's head basketball coach, Digger Phelps, after he had led the Rams to credibility and a berth in the NCAA tournament. His twenty year career at ND including a trip to the Final Four only deepened my loathing. Yes, I know it's petty but hey, I'm allowed to hold a dumb, 40 year grudge. Besides, why would Notre Dame care about me? They have enough of their own problems.
The myth that is Notre Dame goes all the way back to 1918 and the coaching career of Knute Rockne. Rockne put Notre Dame on the map at a time when the football aspirations of a small Catholic college in Indiana would have been laughed at by the likes of Alabama, USC and Army. Since that magical time, the students, players, coaches and fans (including a legion of Irishmen who have never even seen South Bend, IN) have been trying to recreate those glory years. The football team has been good for many of those intervening years and great for a few. They were national champs four times in the '40's and early '50's and again in the '60's. Their last great season was 1988 under coach Lou Holtz. However, by then the desire to "bring down the thunder" was starting to bring down the sanctions and tarnish the squeaky clean reputation that ND had worked to maintain.
The Irish hired Holtz from Minnesota in 1986. Shortly thereafter Minnosota was censured by the NCAA for rules violations committed, in part, during Holtz's tenure. Hotlz also earned a two year suspension from bowl games at Notre Dame for hedging the rules during recruiting. While it can be safely assumed that all major college football programs cheat a little where NCAA rules are concerned, not all teams play under the watchful eye of "touchdown Jesus" looming over the south end zone. Notre Dame took great pride in its reputation as a clean
A view from the east side of the Notre Dame Stadium showing (from left to right) the Basilica of the Sacred Heart, the Golden Dome atop the Administration Building, and the Hesburgh Library with the mural of "Touchdown Jesus"
program. Unfortunately that reputation has taken a few serious dents in the past couple of years and the Irish have responded like every other major institution: misdirect, deny, obfuscate and ignore.
Notre Dame began its rapid journey toward "Penn State-ness" in 2010. A young freshman at St.. Mary's College, across from Notre Dame, reported being raped by a member of the ND football team. She reported the assault to the campus police who, bizarrely, have jurisdiction over a wide variety of crimes. They did... nothing. While Ms. Seeburg awaited some sort of University action, she began receiving threatening calls and emails from other Notre Dame football players warning her to keep her mouth shut. Ten days after the incident, Lizzy Seeburg took her own life.
In 2011 another female student was driven to the hospital by a friend in the aftermath of another rape allegation. Aware of the Lizzy Seeburg story and after she herself received warnings to stay silent, she declined to report the crime to the police. Case closed.
So now we have Notre Dame with one dead coed who can't talk and one too afraid to come forward. Wow! Can't get luckier than that. I mean what's a university to do? We're talking Notre Dame football here. We have our own TV contract. We have a beloved movie about us. Catholic America roots for us all season. What would NBC think if it got out that our football players were raping students? Well, they did exactly what you would would expect. The University threw up its hands and sold a few more foam fingers saying "We're #1".
Then there was the case of Declan Sullivan. On Oct 27, 2010 the football team was at practice on the South Bend campus. It was an especially windy day with gusts up to 51 mph. The usual routine is to have a student volunteer stand in the cage of a scissor-lift and film the practice. Sullivan, a Notre Dame junior was told (some say ordered) to film the practice in spite of the danger from the wind. During practice the lift toppled over and Declan Sullivan was killed. Although the school piously accepted responsibility no charges were ever filed and no disciplinary action was ever taken: not against Head Coach Brian Kelly, not against Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick, not against any assistant coach. Notre Dame lost a wrongful death suit, wrote a big check and literally buried Declan Sullivan.
But just when the pious Irish thought they had dodged not one but three bullets, along comes Manti Te'o: gifted athlete, beloved American success story but, sleeping with the enigma. The short version of the Te'o story is: sometime during (for the math-impaired, that's four years ago) Manti Te'o, a wonderfully talented linebacker from Oahu, Hawaii, begins an on-line friendship with a woman identified as Lennay Kekua during his freshman year at Notre Dame. The relationship migrates to phone calls in 2010 and by 2011 they are an "item". Various attempts at a face-to-face meeting get sidetracked, postponed, and cancelled. In June, 2012 Lennay tells Manti that she has leukemia. In Sept. Te'o grandmother dies and on the same day Lennay loses her fight with cancer.
This heart-breaking story, "All American Athlete from Storied Program Fights Through the Loss of Two Loved Ones" was too good to pass up. It was apparently also too good to check out. The South Bend Tribune ran the details of Te'o's lovelife for months along with details of the young lovers provided by Te'o's relatives. Peter Thamel of Sports Illustrated ran a cover story "The Full Manti" in the October 1st issue, just as ND was hitting its stride on the field. Ms. Kekua's funereal was held on Sept 22 but Notre Dame was playing Michigan State and Manti had promised his love that he would never miss a game because of her.
OK so this soap opera drips on through the football season until Dec 24th when Manti informs his mother, his friends and ESPN that the whole Lennay Kakua story is a cruel hoax. (At least he got the order right.) Notre Dame learns of the prank on Dec. 26 and launches an investigation to "clear" Te'o. It should be noted that no such "investigation" was ever conducted into the rape allegations; at least none that was ever made public. On Jan 16th, three weeks after the university learned of the incident, the sports website Deadspin published the entire story. That evening Notre Dame's Athletic Director, Jack Swarbrick takes to the podium to reveal that the school has exonerated Te'o. It remains unclear exactly who did this to Te'o and what the university exonerated him from. No crime was committed except maybe felony bad taste.
The point is that Notre Dame waited until after the BCS title game on Jan 7th before allowing any hint of scandal to attach itself to their golden boy. Had Deadspin not broken the story, the university might never have told the world that their star linebacker was a fibber. Te'o is now colossally embarrassed and for all anyone knows, guilty of little more than fudging the truth where a woman is concerned. Wow, that never happens. Meanwhile Notre Dame will continue to treat football and football players as the most important element of life in South Bend, IN. Well, who can blame them? After all, how much money does the Sociology Dept. generate? Who yells "We're #1" in the Geology lab? So what's a little sexual assault now and then?
Fear, fear for old Notre Dame
Wake up the lawyers, ain't it a shame
Set a smoke screen from on high
Shake down subpeonas from the sky
OK enough of that. It will surprise no one among my circle of acquaintances that I am not a fan of the Golden Domers of Notre Dame. It started in 1971 when Notre Dame stole Fordham University's head basketball coach, Digger Phelps, after he had led the Rams to credibility and a berth in the NCAA tournament. His twenty year career at ND including a trip to the Final Four only deepened my loathing. Yes, I know it's petty but hey, I'm allowed to hold a dumb, 40 year grudge. Besides, why would Notre Dame care about me? They have enough of their own problems.
The myth that is Notre Dame goes all the way back to 1918 and the coaching career of Knute Rockne. Rockne put Notre Dame on the map at a time when the football aspirations of a small Catholic college in Indiana would have been laughed at by the likes of Alabama, USC and Army. Since that magical time, the students, players, coaches and fans (including a legion of Irishmen who have never even seen South Bend, IN) have been trying to recreate those glory years. The football team has been good for many of those intervening years and great for a few. They were national champs four times in the '40's and early '50's and again in the '60's. Their last great season was 1988 under coach Lou Holtz. However, by then the desire to "bring down the thunder" was starting to bring down the sanctions and tarnish the squeaky clean reputation that ND had worked to maintain.
The Irish hired Holtz from Minnesota in 1986. Shortly thereafter Minnosota was censured by the NCAA for rules violations committed, in part, during Holtz's tenure. Hotlz also earned a two year suspension from bowl games at Notre Dame for hedging the rules during recruiting. While it can be safely assumed that all major college football programs cheat a little where NCAA rules are concerned, not all teams play under the watchful eye of "touchdown Jesus" looming over the south end zone. Notre Dame took great pride in its reputation as a clean
program. Unfortunately that reputation has taken a few serious dents in the past couple of years and the Irish have responded like every other major institution: misdirect, deny, obfuscate and ignore.
Notre Dame began its rapid journey toward "Penn State-ness" in 2010. A young freshman at St.. Mary's College, across from Notre Dame, reported being raped by a member of the ND football team. She reported the assault to the campus police who, bizarrely, have jurisdiction over a wide variety of crimes. They did... nothing. While Ms. Seeburg awaited some sort of University action, she began receiving threatening calls and emails from other Notre Dame football players warning her to keep her mouth shut. Ten days after the incident, Lizzy Seeburg took her own life.
In 2011 another female student was driven to the hospital by a friend in the aftermath of another rape allegation. Aware of the Lizzy Seeburg story and after she herself received warnings to stay silent, she declined to report the crime to the police. Case closed.
So now we have Notre Dame with one dead coed who can't talk and one too afraid to come forward. Wow! Can't get luckier than that. I mean what's a university to do? We're talking Notre Dame football here. We have our own TV contract. We have a beloved movie about us. Catholic America roots for us all season. What would NBC think if it got out that our football players were raping students? Well, they did exactly what you would would expect. The University threw up its hands and sold a few more foam fingers saying "We're #1".
Then there was the case of Declan Sullivan. On Oct 27, 2010 the football team was at practice on the South Bend campus. It was an especially windy day with gusts up to 51 mph. The usual routine is to have a student volunteer stand in the cage of a scissor-lift and film the practice. Sullivan, a Notre Dame junior was told (some say ordered) to film the practice in spite of the danger from the wind. During practice the lift toppled over and Declan Sullivan was killed. Although the school piously accepted responsibility no charges were ever filed and no disciplinary action was ever taken: not against Head Coach Brian Kelly, not against Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick, not against any assistant coach. Notre Dame lost a wrongful death suit, wrote a big check and literally buried Declan Sullivan.
But just when the pious Irish thought they had dodged not one but three bullets, along comes Manti Te'o: gifted athlete, beloved American success story but, sleeping with the enigma. The short version of the Te'o story is: sometime during (for the math-impaired, that's four years ago) Manti Te'o, a wonderfully talented linebacker from Oahu, Hawaii, begins an on-line friendship with a woman identified as Lennay Kekua during his freshman year at Notre Dame. The relationship migrates to phone calls in 2010 and by 2011 they are an "item". Various attempts at a face-to-face meeting get sidetracked, postponed, and cancelled. In June, 2012 Lennay tells Manti that she has leukemia. In Sept. Te'o grandmother dies and on the same day Lennay loses her fight with cancer.
This heart-breaking story, "All American Athlete from Storied Program Fights Through the Loss of Two Loved Ones" was too good to pass up. It was apparently also too good to check out. The South Bend Tribune ran the details of Te'o's lovelife for months along with details of the young lovers provided by Te'o's relatives. Peter Thamel of Sports Illustrated ran a cover story "The Full Manti" in the October 1st issue, just as ND was hitting its stride on the field. Ms. Kekua's funereal was held on Sept 22 but Notre Dame was playing Michigan State and Manti had promised his love that he would never miss a game because of her.
OK so this soap opera drips on through the football season until Dec 24th when Manti informs his mother, his friends and ESPN that the whole Lennay Kakua story is a cruel hoax. (At least he got the order right.) Notre Dame learns of the prank on Dec. 26 and launches an investigation to "clear" Te'o. It should be noted that no such "investigation" was ever conducted into the rape allegations; at least none that was ever made public. On Jan 16th, three weeks after the university learned of the incident, the sports website Deadspin published the entire story. That evening Notre Dame's Athletic Director, Jack Swarbrick takes to the podium to reveal that the school has exonerated Te'o. It remains unclear exactly who did this to Te'o and what the university exonerated him from. No crime was committed except maybe felony bad taste.
The point is that Notre Dame waited until after the BCS title game on Jan 7th before allowing any hint of scandal to attach itself to their golden boy. Had Deadspin not broken the story, the university might never have told the world that their star linebacker was a fibber. Te'o is now colossally embarrassed and for all anyone knows, guilty of little more than fudging the truth where a woman is concerned. Wow, that never happens. Meanwhile Notre Dame will continue to treat football and football players as the most important element of life in South Bend, IN. Well, who can blame them? After all, how much money does the Sociology Dept. generate? Who yells "We're #1" in the Geology lab? So what's a little sexual assault now and then?
Sunday, January 20, 2013
...or was I sleeping the day Shame left the country for good?
A good friend of mine sent me an email regarding the announced candidacy of Mark Sanford for Congress from South Carolina. Yes, that would be the same Mark Sanford who:
-disappeared from the State House when he was governor,
-flew to Argentina to do the macarena with a local tootsie not his wife,
-famously told his staff that he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail" thereby coining a new euphemism for, well, you know.
This all happened in 2009 not, I remind you, in 1989 or 1985. So, four years after Sanford embarrassed his family, bamboozled the citizens of South Carolina and was forced to stand in front of a microphone and confess to following his johnson all the way across the Equator, he is back running for office. Although his transgressions included using State funds for his dalliance he repaid the treasury and was never prosecuted. He can say with impunity that he was guilty of no more that L'affair de coeur. Whether he can say it with a straight face is another matter. He also had the temerity to finish his term of office. (He was spared impeachment only because the lieutenant governor was a reviled moron who no one wanted to see in the governor's mansion.) Although the time required to rehab a political image varies with the crime and the person (Ted Kennedy killed a woman and still ran for President) it seems that four years is a bit short...even in South Carolina.
And so it would appear that Shame, defined as "the feeling arising from having done something dishonorable, disgraceful or ridiculous" appears to have a shorter life expectancy than a Gillette Pro Glide razor. Disgrace is no impediment to future success. Humiliation is no longer a stumbling block to elected office, celebrity or even respect. This is difficult to comprehend in the era of You Tube and media saturation. At a time when your every sin can be displayed in an endless loop for audiences everywhere we nonetheless allow politicians and public figures to partake of endless bites of the apple. It would appear that fame is all that matters even if you are famous for making a complete horse's ass of yourself.
Exhibit A has to be Bill Clinton. "President Pants Down" spent all of 1998 providing late-night comics with a warehouse full of material about cigars and interns. He became the first president to be impeached. (He was acquitted by a 55-45 vote in the Senate; hardly a ringing endorsement.) Nevertheless, thirteen years after he left office with America still snickering, Bill is the most beloved public figure in the country. He brought the house down at the DNC in 2012 and is considered a major asset in any potential presidential bid by Hillary. His age and physical limitations will probably ensure that his obsession with female genitalia will be confined to the Internet but with Bill one can never be sure. There may be a naked maiden in the closet as yet uncovered.
Exhibit B is D.C.'s own Marion Barry. The former mayor and current city councilman has more scandals attached to his name than the entire state of Illinois. Barry has a drug conviction and file cabinet full of indictments and subpoenas. He continually forgets to file his taxes and has taken more field sobriety tests than Lindsay Lohan. He has worn out three defendants chairs at the DC County Court and has appeared in front of so many judges he has his own parking space at the courthouse. Nevertheless, the good people of the eighth ward continue to return him to the City Council.
The list goes on. Before being arrested in Las Vegas, O.J. Simpson was invited to address the University of Southern California football team. Eliot Spitzer traded in his designation as "Client #9" for a TV show on Current TV. Newt Gingrich, undeterred by a history of serial infidelity, ran a mildly successful campaign to be the Republican Presidential candidate in 2012. This would be unremarkable (we are not a nation of prudes after all) but Gingrich ran a campaign based in part on "family values". Presumably value #1 was: start interviewing your next wife well before dumping your current one. No one will be surprised when David Petraeus begins his reemergence from the septic tank of infidelity to the cleansing light of TV military expert/analyst on CNN. The over/under is one year.
Honorable mention goes to Tiger Woods. No one actually cared that Tiger was cheating on his wife. It was, however, unthinkable and unforgivable for him to bypass Elin Nordegren in favor of a collection of truck-stop waitresses and cocktail lounge bimbos. Tiger has rehabilitated his reputation and,to some degree his game. He is currently appearing in a new Nike ad with Rory Mcllroy whose only sin thus far is being so God damn likable.
Meanwhile, there are the ongoing tales of Lance Armstrong and Manti Te'o. Armstrong first: Thankfully Lance was a cyclist which is just a little below soccer player on the who-gives-a-s**t meter of American sporting interest. Hell, cheating to beat the French carries its own sort of heroism. Also Armstrong has raised millions for cancer through his Lifestrong charity which is like giving Ted Kaczynski a pass for his contribution to increasing Post Office security. Lance will be back in the spotlight fairly quickly because: (1) he has no shame and (2) no one cares what people do on bicycles.
Te'o is different and complicated. His story is unique. How do you evaluate the disgrace level of a guy with an imaginary, dead girlfriend? The only true fact in the "Case of the Fictitious Female" is the reaffirmation that, if you want a doctorate in Shamelessness, Notre Dame is your school. More about these creeps in the next post.
So it can safely be stated that Shame is dead. The time was when having been caught cheating, lying, stealing or philandering your only course was to pack up your stuff and get off the stage. No second chances, no rehabilitation. Public humiliation was a death sentence. But no more. Today, you can perp-walk directly from the courthouse to Fox News. Your confession in front of the cameras, wife dutifully at your side, is now a screen test for your next gig. In a country with the collective attention-span of a collie, people will forget that you are a lying maggot and remember only your nice smile. We can only be grateful that California never let Charlie Manson out of jail. He could have written his own ticket as a motiveational speaker on the 700 Club.
Sirhan Sirhan, when you get out, call me.
-disappeared from the State House when he was governor,
-flew to Argentina to do the macarena with a local tootsie not his wife,
-famously told his staff that he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail" thereby coining a new euphemism for, well, you know.
This all happened in 2009 not, I remind you, in 1989 or 1985. So, four years after Sanford embarrassed his family, bamboozled the citizens of South Carolina and was forced to stand in front of a microphone and confess to following his johnson all the way across the Equator, he is back running for office. Although his transgressions included using State funds for his dalliance he repaid the treasury and was never prosecuted. He can say with impunity that he was guilty of no more that L'affair de coeur. Whether he can say it with a straight face is another matter. He also had the temerity to finish his term of office. (He was spared impeachment only because the lieutenant governor was a reviled moron who no one wanted to see in the governor's mansion.) Although the time required to rehab a political image varies with the crime and the person (Ted Kennedy killed a woman and still ran for President) it seems that four years is a bit short...even in South Carolina.
And so it would appear that Shame, defined as "the feeling arising from having done something dishonorable, disgraceful or ridiculous" appears to have a shorter life expectancy than a Gillette Pro Glide razor. Disgrace is no impediment to future success. Humiliation is no longer a stumbling block to elected office, celebrity or even respect. This is difficult to comprehend in the era of You Tube and media saturation. At a time when your every sin can be displayed in an endless loop for audiences everywhere we nonetheless allow politicians and public figures to partake of endless bites of the apple. It would appear that fame is all that matters even if you are famous for making a complete horse's ass of yourself.
Exhibit A has to be Bill Clinton. "President Pants Down" spent all of 1998 providing late-night comics with a warehouse full of material about cigars and interns. He became the first president to be impeached. (He was acquitted by a 55-45 vote in the Senate; hardly a ringing endorsement.) Nevertheless, thirteen years after he left office with America still snickering, Bill is the most beloved public figure in the country. He brought the house down at the DNC in 2012 and is considered a major asset in any potential presidential bid by Hillary. His age and physical limitations will probably ensure that his obsession with female genitalia will be confined to the Internet but with Bill one can never be sure. There may be a naked maiden in the closet as yet uncovered.
Exhibit B is D.C.'s own Marion Barry. The former mayor and current city councilman has more scandals attached to his name than the entire state of Illinois. Barry has a drug conviction and file cabinet full of indictments and subpoenas. He continually forgets to file his taxes and has taken more field sobriety tests than Lindsay Lohan. He has worn out three defendants chairs at the DC County Court and has appeared in front of so many judges he has his own parking space at the courthouse. Nevertheless, the good people of the eighth ward continue to return him to the City Council.
The list goes on. Before being arrested in Las Vegas, O.J. Simpson was invited to address the University of Southern California football team. Eliot Spitzer traded in his designation as "Client #9" for a TV show on Current TV. Newt Gingrich, undeterred by a history of serial infidelity, ran a mildly successful campaign to be the Republican Presidential candidate in 2012. This would be unremarkable (we are not a nation of prudes after all) but Gingrich ran a campaign based in part on "family values". Presumably value #1 was: start interviewing your next wife well before dumping your current one. No one will be surprised when David Petraeus begins his reemergence from the septic tank of infidelity to the cleansing light of TV military expert/analyst on CNN. The over/under is one year.
Honorable mention goes to Tiger Woods. No one actually cared that Tiger was cheating on his wife. It was, however, unthinkable and unforgivable for him to bypass Elin Nordegren in favor of a collection of truck-stop waitresses and cocktail lounge bimbos. Tiger has rehabilitated his reputation and,to some degree his game. He is currently appearing in a new Nike ad with Rory Mcllroy whose only sin thus far is being so God damn likable.
Meanwhile, there are the ongoing tales of Lance Armstrong and Manti Te'o. Armstrong first: Thankfully Lance was a cyclist which is just a little below soccer player on the who-gives-a-s**t meter of American sporting interest. Hell, cheating to beat the French carries its own sort of heroism. Also Armstrong has raised millions for cancer through his Lifestrong charity which is like giving Ted Kaczynski a pass for his contribution to increasing Post Office security. Lance will be back in the spotlight fairly quickly because: (1) he has no shame and (2) no one cares what people do on bicycles.
Te'o is different and complicated. His story is unique. How do you evaluate the disgrace level of a guy with an imaginary, dead girlfriend? The only true fact in the "Case of the Fictitious Female" is the reaffirmation that, if you want a doctorate in Shamelessness, Notre Dame is your school. More about these creeps in the next post.
So it can safely be stated that Shame is dead. The time was when having been caught cheating, lying, stealing or philandering your only course was to pack up your stuff and get off the stage. No second chances, no rehabilitation. Public humiliation was a death sentence. But no more. Today, you can perp-walk directly from the courthouse to Fox News. Your confession in front of the cameras, wife dutifully at your side, is now a screen test for your next gig. In a country with the collective attention-span of a collie, people will forget that you are a lying maggot and remember only your nice smile. We can only be grateful that California never let Charlie Manson out of jail. He could have written his own ticket as a motiveational speaker on the 700 Club.
Sirhan Sirhan, when you get out, call me.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
...or will Current TV introduce a Project Runway knock-off featuring five women all covered in black?
Al Gore, former Vice President and former almost ex President, was in the news this week. Al and his partner, Joel Hyatt (Hyatt was sort of the legal profession's answer to Earl Schibe) have sold their television station Current TV to Al Jazeera. Al Jazeera is based in and financed by the government of Qatar (impress your friend at cocktail parties by correcting their pronunciation of Qatar as "cutter".) In that Vice President Gore has been the world's most visible and vocal advocate for all things green, he has received a fair amount of gas (greenhouse and otherwise) for selling his broadcast baby to oily oil sheiks. That's a bit like Rupert Murdoch selling Fox News to George Soros. In a spirit of full disclosure it should be reported that I have tried unsuccessfully to sell isitjustme to Hamas, The Symbionese Liberation Army, Shining Path and the La Familia Drug Cartel for what amounts to the cost of a corned beef sandwich and a cream soda. So far, no takers. Before we take up the morality of the sale a few facts should be examined:
What exactly is Al Jazeera? No it is not the name of the guy who owns the falafel stand on Broadway and 52nd St. That's Sal Jazeera. Al Jazeera is a broadcast network based in Doha, Qatar. It is unique in that it is owned by neither News Corp or Disney. Originally the broadcasts were in Arabic but 2006 they launched Al Jazeera English.They are, given that part of the world, reasonably independent. They have been praised by the Index on Censorship for their free exchange of information. Their coverage of the war in Afghanistan and the Egyptian uprising were far superior to Western media. They show the world through the eyes of someone other than Bill O'Reilly or Mickey Mouse. Naturally because they present the world from the point of view of the Middle East they are reviled on Fox where Arab always equals terrorist.
As for Current TV, it was launched in 2002 as the brainchild of Al Gore and Joel Hyatt. Naturally, Mr. Gore presented his offering as an independent news source without bias or agenda. Clearly, the decidedly liberal Mr. Gore who had advocated for left-wing causes for practically all of his life, could expect to be taken at his word...or not. Nothing much happened at Current until two "reporters" from the network were arrested in North Korea for following their GPS device across the border from China. Although it was never made clear what the two planned to do in this frozen armpit of the world. the Koreans made a big deal out of putting them on trial. America sent Mr. "clean-up on aisle four" himself Bill Clinton to secure their release. In that he was returning from his Fortress of Solitude anyway, it was on the way.
In 2011, Gore and Hyatt decided to shake things up. They reformatted the programming, paid for a new logo and hired Keith Olbermann to anchor their prime-time news hour; a move akin to hiring Sasquatch to cut the Hope diamond. Olbermann, fresh from his marathon hissy-fits at MSNBC, was a train wreck from day one. He complained about everything: his driver, his sets, the coffee in the studio, the type size on his office door. Keith's crabbiness was as unprofessional as it was constant. True, he garnered a few more viewers (people smart enough to realize they had Current TV on their satellite and then find it) but the gains were minuscule. March 2012 saw the end of Project Olbermann. Ratings suffered but hey, you can't fall off the floor. At present Current is pulling ratings numbers commensurate with the number of people who are lobbying for a mosque in Vatican City.
Selling Current TV to the oil sheiks of Qatar is a little like selling the cancer wing of your hospital to American Tobacco. (BTW rumors that the Supreme Court tried to prevent Al Gore from selling Current TV have proved unfounded.) There is nothing wrong with Al Jazeera. True, the list of potential advertisers might be shortened (liquor, beer, Victoria Secret and anything fun) but every rose has its thorns. The issue is that Al and Co. look like they sold out; like if Jimmy Buffet moved to New York to run a hedge fund. For Al to take oil money makes him look like an unprincipled, greedy capitalist stooge...like the Koch Brothers' illegitimate cousin. If we wanted to watch an American business person sell his soul to the highest bidder for nothing more than a few bucks and a little bit of instant gratification, we could watch the replay of the Republican Presidential Contest. At least that got ratings.
What exactly is Al Jazeera? No it is not the name of the guy who owns the falafel stand on Broadway and 52nd St. That's Sal Jazeera. Al Jazeera is a broadcast network based in Doha, Qatar. It is unique in that it is owned by neither News Corp or Disney. Originally the broadcasts were in Arabic but 2006 they launched Al Jazeera English.They are, given that part of the world, reasonably independent. They have been praised by the Index on Censorship for their free exchange of information. Their coverage of the war in Afghanistan and the Egyptian uprising were far superior to Western media. They show the world through the eyes of someone other than Bill O'Reilly or Mickey Mouse. Naturally because they present the world from the point of view of the Middle East they are reviled on Fox where Arab always equals terrorist.
As for Current TV, it was launched in 2002 as the brainchild of Al Gore and Joel Hyatt. Naturally, Mr. Gore presented his offering as an independent news source without bias or agenda. Clearly, the decidedly liberal Mr. Gore who had advocated for left-wing causes for practically all of his life, could expect to be taken at his word...or not. Nothing much happened at Current until two "reporters" from the network were arrested in North Korea for following their GPS device across the border from China. Although it was never made clear what the two planned to do in this frozen armpit of the world. the Koreans made a big deal out of putting them on trial. America sent Mr. "clean-up on aisle four" himself Bill Clinton to secure their release. In that he was returning from his Fortress of Solitude anyway, it was on the way.
In 2011, Gore and Hyatt decided to shake things up. They reformatted the programming, paid for a new logo and hired Keith Olbermann to anchor their prime-time news hour; a move akin to hiring Sasquatch to cut the Hope diamond. Olbermann, fresh from his marathon hissy-fits at MSNBC, was a train wreck from day one. He complained about everything: his driver, his sets, the coffee in the studio, the type size on his office door. Keith's crabbiness was as unprofessional as it was constant. True, he garnered a few more viewers (people smart enough to realize they had Current TV on their satellite and then find it) but the gains were minuscule. March 2012 saw the end of Project Olbermann. Ratings suffered but hey, you can't fall off the floor. At present Current is pulling ratings numbers commensurate with the number of people who are lobbying for a mosque in Vatican City.
Selling Current TV to the oil sheiks of Qatar is a little like selling the cancer wing of your hospital to American Tobacco. (BTW rumors that the Supreme Court tried to prevent Al Gore from selling Current TV have proved unfounded.) There is nothing wrong with Al Jazeera. True, the list of potential advertisers might be shortened (liquor, beer, Victoria Secret and anything fun) but every rose has its thorns. The issue is that Al and Co. look like they sold out; like if Jimmy Buffet moved to New York to run a hedge fund. For Al to take oil money makes him look like an unprincipled, greedy capitalist stooge...like the Koch Brothers' illegitimate cousin. If we wanted to watch an American business person sell his soul to the highest bidder for nothing more than a few bucks and a little bit of instant gratification, we could watch the replay of the Republican Presidential Contest. At least that got ratings.
Saturday, January 05, 2013
...or is the debate on guns nothing more than a circular firing squad?
OK so I'm guessing that if your friend complains that they are overweight your first thought isn't to treat them to an all-expense paid trip to Baskin Robbins. If your neighbor's house catches fire you don't arrive with a five-gallon gift basket from Exxon Mobil. So please, for the love of God explain to me why the cure for the atrocity of gun carnage in America is ...more guns.
The statistics border on the ridiculous:
The U.S. has 5% of the world's population and 50% (that's 5-0%) of the world's guns.
290 million guns loose in the U.S., that's a gun-to-person ratio of 84% . The next largest country is Yemen at 54%.
31,000 dead each year, 11,000 of which are homicides. That's 30 times higher than France or Australia.
Now we're told that arming teachers is the path to safety in schools.
It's easy to blame Wayne Lapierre and the survivalist crazies at the NRA but they are just a symptom, like diarrhea is a symptom of dysentery. The real problem is the American gun culture and the concomitant fear that grows from it. A substantial portion of your fellow countrymen are, for some reason, afraid of being disarmed. The idea is as impractical as the notion that we can round up all of our illegal aliens and deposit them in their home countries. However, no gun owner is rational about owning guns.
When Barack Obama was elected there was an immediate shortage of ammunition and a brisk business at gun shows where background checks are not required. I agree with the gun lobby in that I imagine the President would like to see a lot fewer guns available in America but, until recently he had never said so. The idea that "the black liberal is coming for your guns" is a ghost story that gun-crazies tell to their kids. Even without the NRA this sickness about the necessity to be armed has pervaded our culture and poisoned our land.
Somehow, this perversion can be traced to a deep, visceral distrust of the federal government. Young men who have served in the military, saluted the flag, profess to be patriots, accepted GI benefits, pay taxes and vote; still view the fed as some evil destroyer of their personal liberty. They gladly accept government farm subsidies as their right but complain when a Spanish property owner gets emergency room care. They have created a disconnect between the Country and its elected and appointed leaders. They see Washington as infested with liberals who coddle minorities, kiss the asses of America's enemies and dream up new ways to strip "real Americans" of their rights.
The EPA tells these men that they can't pollute the groundwater. The Army Corp of Engineers tells them that they can't drain a swamp or dam a stream. The IRS demands its pound of flesh whether they have the money or not. The Dept of Agriculture won't let them grow certain crops and the Dept of the Interior lets Indians build casinos all over the country. Whites will soon be a minority and all the signs in Wal Mart are in Spanish. "Well, by God there's one thing those commie, ACLU-loving, Christmas-hating atheists in Washington can't have and that's my gun."
Maybe I'm wrong but how else can you explain the increase in gun purchases after Sandy Hook and Aurora, Colo, and the Gabby Gifford shooting? What else accounts for the thousands of rounds that many Americans store in their basement? Why the run on high-capacity magazines after the recent election? Gun love is a sickness and one peculiar to America. Hell, I'm the biggest know-it-all in the East and I haven't a clue as to what to do about this. In my lifetime I've seen Israelis and Egyptians work out a treaty that's lasted 34 years; I've seen Protestants and Catholics disarm in Northern Ireland; I've even seen Bears fans marry Packer fans. Maybe we can change but, whatever the answer is, I know it isn't more guns.
The statistics border on the ridiculous:
The U.S. has 5% of the world's population and 50% (that's 5-0%) of the world's guns.
290 million guns loose in the U.S., that's a gun-to-person ratio of 84% . The next largest country is Yemen at 54%.
31,000 dead each year, 11,000 of which are homicides. That's 30 times higher than France or Australia.
Now we're told that arming teachers is the path to safety in schools.
It's easy to blame Wayne Lapierre and the survivalist crazies at the NRA but they are just a symptom, like diarrhea is a symptom of dysentery. The real problem is the American gun culture and the concomitant fear that grows from it. A substantial portion of your fellow countrymen are, for some reason, afraid of being disarmed. The idea is as impractical as the notion that we can round up all of our illegal aliens and deposit them in their home countries. However, no gun owner is rational about owning guns.
When Barack Obama was elected there was an immediate shortage of ammunition and a brisk business at gun shows where background checks are not required. I agree with the gun lobby in that I imagine the President would like to see a lot fewer guns available in America but, until recently he had never said so. The idea that "the black liberal is coming for your guns" is a ghost story that gun-crazies tell to their kids. Even without the NRA this sickness about the necessity to be armed has pervaded our culture and poisoned our land.
Somehow, this perversion can be traced to a deep, visceral distrust of the federal government. Young men who have served in the military, saluted the flag, profess to be patriots, accepted GI benefits, pay taxes and vote; still view the fed as some evil destroyer of their personal liberty. They gladly accept government farm subsidies as their right but complain when a Spanish property owner gets emergency room care. They have created a disconnect between the Country and its elected and appointed leaders. They see Washington as infested with liberals who coddle minorities, kiss the asses of America's enemies and dream up new ways to strip "real Americans" of their rights.
The EPA tells these men that they can't pollute the groundwater. The Army Corp of Engineers tells them that they can't drain a swamp or dam a stream. The IRS demands its pound of flesh whether they have the money or not. The Dept of Agriculture won't let them grow certain crops and the Dept of the Interior lets Indians build casinos all over the country. Whites will soon be a minority and all the signs in Wal Mart are in Spanish. "Well, by God there's one thing those commie, ACLU-loving, Christmas-hating atheists in Washington can't have and that's my gun."
Maybe I'm wrong but how else can you explain the increase in gun purchases after Sandy Hook and Aurora, Colo, and the Gabby Gifford shooting? What else accounts for the thousands of rounds that many Americans store in their basement? Why the run on high-capacity magazines after the recent election? Gun love is a sickness and one peculiar to America. Hell, I'm the biggest know-it-all in the East and I haven't a clue as to what to do about this. In my lifetime I've seen Israelis and Egyptians work out a treaty that's lasted 34 years; I've seen Protestants and Catholics disarm in Northern Ireland; I've even seen Bears fans marry Packer fans. Maybe we can change but, whatever the answer is, I know it isn't more guns.
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
...or has Fox begun 2013 where it was in 2012...in the sewer of misinformation?
Happy New Year to all.
You will be delighted to learn that 2013 is the first year since 1987 to have four different numbers. Seriously, who notices this stuff? Well, aside from bloggers with too much time on their hands.
But enough of the trivial.
In my own way I love Fox News. They provide focus. Much in the same way that the New York Yankees, the Dallas Cowboys and the Boston Celtics provide an opportunity to really root against something. Any time those teams take the field their opponent is guaranteed an avid new group of fans. No one cheers for the Kansas City Chiefs unless the Cowboys are in town. Toronto barely knows it has a basketball team but when Boston takes the court, Toronto even forgets about the Leafs.
Like those sports teams, Fox can always be counted upon to provide a certain clarity. They are the gold standard of misinformation...the beacon of darkness in an otherwise enlightened world. Face it, you can't spell "full of excrement" without F O X.
Normally, Fox contents itself with garden variety rubbish: "Obamacare is the government take-over of the healthcare industry" "Liberals are waging a war on Christmas" "Obama is a socialist" "Obama is coming for your guns" "ACORN stole our election". They trot out the blond brigade of Laura Ingram, Greta Van Sustern, Gretchen Carlson and the bulimic bombshell, Ann Coulter to remind America of the evils of political compromise and all things Democrat. To their credit, the babes of Fox continually find new lyrics to the same old song. To avoid being accused of making stuff up, Fox can usually find some discredited political operative to "prove" the latest Obama/Democratic atrocity and confirm what their audience already believes; namely that Liberals are un-American scum.
This pseudo-journalism was never more in evidence than last week when Greta Van Sustern interviewed John Bolton former Bush ambassador to the UN. Bush/Cheney showed their cynical contempt for the United Nations by appointing Bolton in August, 2005. It would have been kinder to just send a bag of burning manure to UN headquarters. Oh wait, they did. Bolton, without the slightest vestige of proof or information of any kind, opined that the Secretary of State Hillary Clinton faked her fall and concussion at her home to avoid testifying before the Congress about Benghazi. Ms. Clinton was expected to appear before a Senate committee last week but was forced to cancel when a dizzy spell due to dehydration caused a fall resulting in a concussion and subsequent blood clot. For John Bolton to suggest that this was a ruse to avoid testifying about Benghazi is contemptible and disgraceful. Furthermore Greta knew exactly what he was going to say which makes her complicit.
For Bolton to suggest that Secretary Clinton was dodging the Senate committee is the worst form of slander. For one thing, Ms. Clinton has already accepted full responsibility for the security lapses in Benghazi which claimed four American lives. She will appear before the committee next month after she recovers. Perhaps Mr. Bolton is suggesting that the staff at New York Presbyterian Hospital was in on the conspiracy.
This sort of shabby reporting is Fox's stock and trade. They will backtrack on the story, suggesting that John Bolton made the statement and not one of Fox's talking heads. Roger Ailes, the grand poobha at Fox knows that the retraction will never match the coverage of the original story. Fox will mumble something about everyone being entitled to his or her opinion and move on to the next sham-wow. Hillary Clinton's people at State will spend the next week denying a story that was never a story. Mr. Bolton will retreat to the Dick Cheney Academy of Despicable Public Conduct, there to convene around the cauldron with Karl Rove (still muttering about Ohio), Don Rumsfeld, and the master himself, Richard "call me 'Dick'. everyone does" Cheney. There they will ponder why their toxic political stew is only marketed on one network.
You will be delighted to learn that 2013 is the first year since 1987 to have four different numbers. Seriously, who notices this stuff? Well, aside from bloggers with too much time on their hands.
But enough of the trivial.
In my own way I love Fox News. They provide focus. Much in the same way that the New York Yankees, the Dallas Cowboys and the Boston Celtics provide an opportunity to really root against something. Any time those teams take the field their opponent is guaranteed an avid new group of fans. No one cheers for the Kansas City Chiefs unless the Cowboys are in town. Toronto barely knows it has a basketball team but when Boston takes the court, Toronto even forgets about the Leafs.
Like those sports teams, Fox can always be counted upon to provide a certain clarity. They are the gold standard of misinformation...the beacon of darkness in an otherwise enlightened world. Face it, you can't spell "full of excrement" without F O X.
Normally, Fox contents itself with garden variety rubbish: "Obamacare is the government take-over of the healthcare industry" "Liberals are waging a war on Christmas" "Obama is a socialist" "Obama is coming for your guns" "ACORN stole our election". They trot out the blond brigade of Laura Ingram, Greta Van Sustern, Gretchen Carlson and the bulimic bombshell, Ann Coulter to remind America of the evils of political compromise and all things Democrat. To their credit, the babes of Fox continually find new lyrics to the same old song. To avoid being accused of making stuff up, Fox can usually find some discredited political operative to "prove" the latest Obama/Democratic atrocity and confirm what their audience already believes; namely that Liberals are un-American scum.
This pseudo-journalism was never more in evidence than last week when Greta Van Sustern interviewed John Bolton former Bush ambassador to the UN. Bush/Cheney showed their cynical contempt for the United Nations by appointing Bolton in August, 2005. It would have been kinder to just send a bag of burning manure to UN headquarters. Oh wait, they did. Bolton, without the slightest vestige of proof or information of any kind, opined that the Secretary of State Hillary Clinton faked her fall and concussion at her home to avoid testifying before the Congress about Benghazi. Ms. Clinton was expected to appear before a Senate committee last week but was forced to cancel when a dizzy spell due to dehydration caused a fall resulting in a concussion and subsequent blood clot. For John Bolton to suggest that this was a ruse to avoid testifying about Benghazi is contemptible and disgraceful. Furthermore Greta knew exactly what he was going to say which makes her complicit.
For Bolton to suggest that Secretary Clinton was dodging the Senate committee is the worst form of slander. For one thing, Ms. Clinton has already accepted full responsibility for the security lapses in Benghazi which claimed four American lives. She will appear before the committee next month after she recovers. Perhaps Mr. Bolton is suggesting that the staff at New York Presbyterian Hospital was in on the conspiracy.
This sort of shabby reporting is Fox's stock and trade. They will backtrack on the story, suggesting that John Bolton made the statement and not one of Fox's talking heads. Roger Ailes, the grand poobha at Fox knows that the retraction will never match the coverage of the original story. Fox will mumble something about everyone being entitled to his or her opinion and move on to the next sham-wow. Hillary Clinton's people at State will spend the next week denying a story that was never a story. Mr. Bolton will retreat to the Dick Cheney Academy of Despicable Public Conduct, there to convene around the cauldron with Karl Rove (still muttering about Ohio), Don Rumsfeld, and the master himself, Richard "call me 'Dick'. everyone does" Cheney. There they will ponder why their toxic political stew is only marketed on one network.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
...or is Louie Gohmert the logical product of a marriage between Winchester and a bag of hammers?
Drum roll please!
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. It is with great shame and regret that I present to you the winner (if winner is the word) of The Isitjustme First Annual Asshat of the Year award. I give you Louie Gohmert, Congressman from the First District of Texas. In a year filled with bad actors: Charlie Sheen, the entire Republican presidential candidate field, the captain of the Costa Concordia, Lindsay Lohan, etc., Louie was an easy choice. A man who has pathologically come down on the wrong side of every issue, cannot go unrecognized.
Let's begin with a brief look at the Texas First District. Wedged up against Louisiana in the extreme Eastern part of the state, Texas First District is distinguished primarily for its lack of distinction. It contains no major population centers and, in all, comprises about 651,000 souls none of whom are quite clever enough to get out of East Texas. Once part of Texarkana (wherever that is) the district was gerrymandered into existence in the Great Tom DeLay Debacle of 1983. Our boy Louie came on the scene in 2005 as the first Republican Congressman from that district since Reconstruction. Who says Texans are slow to adapt?
Up until his rise to the national stage, Mr. Gohmert was a promising if unremarkable star in the GOP firmament. Educated at Texas A and M; and Baylor Law, Louie did four years in the JAG Corp. at Fort Benning, GA. Though the legal branch of the Army affords little opportunity for armed combat, Louie nevertheless developed a strange love of firearms. Being from Texas it's easy to write this off to inbreeding but Gohmert has raised a simple firearms fetish to an unholy lust for the smell of gunpowder, presumably, as long as he wasn't the target
Totally unafraid of being labeled a kook or a gun nut, Louie Gohmert has waged a constant campaign for the irrational, incomprehensible and ludicrous idea that there is no problem in America that can't be solved with the use of automatic weapons. That sort of single-mindedness is rare in our society today (Thank God!) Gohmert suggested if the patrons of that movie theater in Aurora, Colorado (where 12 died in a hail of gunfire from James Earl Holmes) had been armed, fewer folks would have died. (I'm assuming Louie has petitioned the State of Texas to arm ticket-takers and candy counter personnel.) Immediately following the horrific shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, only Louie Gohmert stood up and declared that an armed school principal, locked and loaded, would have saved those kids. Can you think of a candidate more deserving of distinction as America's most prominent Asshat?
Actually, Congressman Gohmert's achievements aren't limited to his unconventional views on firearms. Louie was a strong supporter of the Trans-Alaska pipeline as a means to encourage caribou to have more sex. He suggested (with a straight face) that the warm oil flowing through the pipe would invite caribou to "date". This marked the first time in the history of its publishing that The Onion could not think of a single way to create a parody from a story. Naturally Gohmert believes that man-made climate change is a hoax. He supports strong anti-immigration laws and has even uncovered a sinister plot whereby sneaky terrorists are coming to the U.S. to have babies who will be trained to attack America. In his campaign on "terror babies" Louie has been undeterred by the total lack of evidence of such a plot or any explanation as to why terrorists would need to be born here in order to attack us.
Ever vigilant to the ways of evil-doers and bad actors, it was Congressman Gohmert, along with such bright lights as Michele Bachmann, who questioned the patriotism of Huma Abedin, Deputy Chief of Staff at the State Dept. It seems that Ms. Abedin had a brother whose next-door neighbor's barber roomed with the grandson of a member of the Muslim Brotherhood at summer camp. Thank God for the tireless work of witch-hunters like Bachmann and Gohmert who, in their single-minded pursuit of phantoms and red herrings, are never bothered by how foolish they look or how much damage they do.
So bravo to Congressman Louie Gohmert, a man whose devotion to wrong-headedness and gun lunacy is exceeded only by the apathy of the appleheads from East Texas who have returned him to Congress five times. We can only hope that, in the near future, we will open our email and discover that Congressman Gohmert has risen to the pinnacle of gun prominence; namely as a recipient of the Darwin Award for having accidentally shot himself in the nuts.
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. It is with great shame and regret that I present to you the winner (if winner is the word) of The Isitjustme First Annual Asshat of the Year award. I give you Louie Gohmert, Congressman from the First District of Texas. In a year filled with bad actors: Charlie Sheen, the entire Republican presidential candidate field, the captain of the Costa Concordia, Lindsay Lohan, etc., Louie was an easy choice. A man who has pathologically come down on the wrong side of every issue, cannot go unrecognized.
Let's begin with a brief look at the Texas First District. Wedged up against Louisiana in the extreme Eastern part of the state, Texas First District is distinguished primarily for its lack of distinction. It contains no major population centers and, in all, comprises about 651,000 souls none of whom are quite clever enough to get out of East Texas. Once part of Texarkana (wherever that is) the district was gerrymandered into existence in the Great Tom DeLay Debacle of 1983. Our boy Louie came on the scene in 2005 as the first Republican Congressman from that district since Reconstruction. Who says Texans are slow to adapt?
Up until his rise to the national stage, Mr. Gohmert was a promising if unremarkable star in the GOP firmament. Educated at Texas A and M; and Baylor Law, Louie did four years in the JAG Corp. at Fort Benning, GA. Though the legal branch of the Army affords little opportunity for armed combat, Louie nevertheless developed a strange love of firearms. Being from Texas it's easy to write this off to inbreeding but Gohmert has raised a simple firearms fetish to an unholy lust for the smell of gunpowder, presumably, as long as he wasn't the target
Totally unafraid of being labeled a kook or a gun nut, Louie Gohmert has waged a constant campaign for the irrational, incomprehensible and ludicrous idea that there is no problem in America that can't be solved with the use of automatic weapons. That sort of single-mindedness is rare in our society today (Thank God!) Gohmert suggested if the patrons of that movie theater in Aurora, Colorado (where 12 died in a hail of gunfire from James Earl Holmes) had been armed, fewer folks would have died. (I'm assuming Louie has petitioned the State of Texas to arm ticket-takers and candy counter personnel.) Immediately following the horrific shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, only Louie Gohmert stood up and declared that an armed school principal, locked and loaded, would have saved those kids. Can you think of a candidate more deserving of distinction as America's most prominent Asshat?
Actually, Congressman Gohmert's achievements aren't limited to his unconventional views on firearms. Louie was a strong supporter of the Trans-Alaska pipeline as a means to encourage caribou to have more sex. He suggested (with a straight face) that the warm oil flowing through the pipe would invite caribou to "date". This marked the first time in the history of its publishing that The Onion could not think of a single way to create a parody from a story. Naturally Gohmert believes that man-made climate change is a hoax. He supports strong anti-immigration laws and has even uncovered a sinister plot whereby sneaky terrorists are coming to the U.S. to have babies who will be trained to attack America. In his campaign on "terror babies" Louie has been undeterred by the total lack of evidence of such a plot or any explanation as to why terrorists would need to be born here in order to attack us.
Ever vigilant to the ways of evil-doers and bad actors, it was Congressman Gohmert, along with such bright lights as Michele Bachmann, who questioned the patriotism of Huma Abedin, Deputy Chief of Staff at the State Dept. It seems that Ms. Abedin had a brother whose next-door neighbor's barber roomed with the grandson of a member of the Muslim Brotherhood at summer camp. Thank God for the tireless work of witch-hunters like Bachmann and Gohmert who, in their single-minded pursuit of phantoms and red herrings, are never bothered by how foolish they look or how much damage they do.
So bravo to Congressman Louie Gohmert, a man whose devotion to wrong-headedness and gun lunacy is exceeded only by the apathy of the appleheads from East Texas who have returned him to Congress five times. We can only hope that, in the near future, we will open our email and discover that Congressman Gohmert has risen to the pinnacle of gun prominence; namely as a recipient of the Darwin Award for having accidentally shot himself in the nuts.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
...or are we all prepared to accept responsibility for the killings in Newtown, CT?
If you get a chance (and they haven't taken it down by now) check out the National Rifle Association web site. Wayne LaPierre, Exec. VP of the gang is bragging that, in Virginia, an increase of 73% in gun sales has resulted in a decrease of 27% of gun crimes. Let's forget for a minute that these statistics have zero to do with each other. Gun sales in Virginia, the State that gave us Seung-Hui Cho and 32 dead at Virginia Tech, is up 73%. I don't swear much in these rants but, are you fucking kidding me?
I've got statistics for you...
80 dead in mass shooting incidents in this country in 2012 alone.
9,000 gun homicides a year. That doesn't include 51% of the suicides.
20 children dead in a Connecticut grade school eleven days before Christmas.
So, whether you are a conservative or a liberal, please tell me when we stop whining and building monuments and start addressing the problem. I don't need to see my President weeping at the podium. I need to see him on the barricades fighting for gun laws. I have had enough of meaningless eulogies. Hell, we lost 3,000 souls on 9-11 and we declared war on two countries. We lose 9,000 people every year to mindless gun violence and our response is buy more guns. After the massacre at Virginia Tech there were state legislators who advocated for students to carry guns to class. In the wake of the Aurora, Colorado theater shooting, one NRA moron opined that, if more of the theater patrons had been armed the death toll would have been lower. By that logic, we should ensure that all teachers in public schools are packing heat. It's that sort of thinking that will guarantee that incidents like Newtown , CT will continue.
This isn't complicated. We are not hopelessly addicted to killing each other. There can be compromise. The NRA needs to understand that there is no slippery slope to the universal confiscation of guns. You are being lied to by your leadership. We can ban assault rifles without endangering the rights of hunters. We can chemically tag ammunition for identification. We can track the purchase of bullets. Currently, the Dept of Homeland Security knows if you buy any large quantity of ammonium nitrate, the high nitrogen fertilizer that was used in the Oklahoma City blast in 1995. However, anyone can stroll into Walmart and buy enough 9mm ammo to arm a Mexican drug cartel without so much as a ripple appearing on any government radar. Does that make sense to you? Mr. LaPierre I'm talking to you.
You're being laughed at folks. The gun lobby knows that your attention span can be measured in hours. They have your senator and congressman by the balls and they know you are powerless and too lazy to fix it. You can stand in meaningless vigils outside the White House or wherever and, although it might make you feel good, nothing will happen. Go stand vigil at a gun shop or Walmart. (Walmart is the largest seller of guns in America. They actually had a Black Friday gun special.) Pick up a copy of today's paper with the headline about the killings in Connecticut and deliver it to your state representative. Organize a march on Springfield, MA (home of Smith and Wesson) or New Haven, CT (HQ for Winchester Repeating Arms Co.). Tell them that you want them to lobby for sensible gun laws or we'll put them out of business. If we don't get mad and stay mad then we'd better just accept that this crazy gun culture will continue to consume us.
In any event, stop acting like we are in any way innocent of this tragedy. We light our little candles, profess shock and horror and then we go home and wait for the next gun nightmare. Please review the definition of madness. We are living it and we are responsible for it..
I've got statistics for you...
80 dead in mass shooting incidents in this country in 2012 alone.
9,000 gun homicides a year. That doesn't include 51% of the suicides.
20 children dead in a Connecticut grade school eleven days before Christmas.
So, whether you are a conservative or a liberal, please tell me when we stop whining and building monuments and start addressing the problem. I don't need to see my President weeping at the podium. I need to see him on the barricades fighting for gun laws. I have had enough of meaningless eulogies. Hell, we lost 3,000 souls on 9-11 and we declared war on two countries. We lose 9,000 people every year to mindless gun violence and our response is buy more guns. After the massacre at Virginia Tech there were state legislators who advocated for students to carry guns to class. In the wake of the Aurora, Colorado theater shooting, one NRA moron opined that, if more of the theater patrons had been armed the death toll would have been lower. By that logic, we should ensure that all teachers in public schools are packing heat. It's that sort of thinking that will guarantee that incidents like Newtown , CT will continue.
This isn't complicated. We are not hopelessly addicted to killing each other. There can be compromise. The NRA needs to understand that there is no slippery slope to the universal confiscation of guns. You are being lied to by your leadership. We can ban assault rifles without endangering the rights of hunters. We can chemically tag ammunition for identification. We can track the purchase of bullets. Currently, the Dept of Homeland Security knows if you buy any large quantity of ammonium nitrate, the high nitrogen fertilizer that was used in the Oklahoma City blast in 1995. However, anyone can stroll into Walmart and buy enough 9mm ammo to arm a Mexican drug cartel without so much as a ripple appearing on any government radar. Does that make sense to you? Mr. LaPierre I'm talking to you.
You're being laughed at folks. The gun lobby knows that your attention span can be measured in hours. They have your senator and congressman by the balls and they know you are powerless and too lazy to fix it. You can stand in meaningless vigils outside the White House or wherever and, although it might make you feel good, nothing will happen. Go stand vigil at a gun shop or Walmart. (Walmart is the largest seller of guns in America. They actually had a Black Friday gun special.) Pick up a copy of today's paper with the headline about the killings in Connecticut and deliver it to your state representative. Organize a march on Springfield, MA (home of Smith and Wesson) or New Haven, CT (HQ for Winchester Repeating Arms Co.). Tell them that you want them to lobby for sensible gun laws or we'll put them out of business. If we don't get mad and stay mad then we'd better just accept that this crazy gun culture will continue to consume us.
In any event, stop acting like we are in any way innocent of this tragedy. We light our little candles, profess shock and horror and then we go home and wait for the next gun nightmare. Please review the definition of madness. We are living it and we are responsible for it..
Friday, December 14, 2012
or is the fiscal cliff just an excuse to keep us from watching the real news?
Just think of them as Fiscal Cliff notes:
Item
A German man reported that his girlfriend tried to suffocate him when he explained that he was planning to leave her. The victim, Mr. Tim Schmidt told police that when he advised Ms. Franziska Hansen that their relationship was at an end, her response was to restrict his ability to breathe. Because there was no garrott available and pillows were unreliable (though they were in bed at the time), Ms. Hansen proceeded to do the job with her size 38DD breasts. Whoa! Didn't see that coming. Neither apparently did Mr. Schmidt. "She just grabbed my head and pushed it between her breasts with all her force. I thought I was going to die." It probably took him a full minute to realize that this gesture was not so much amorous as felonious. Having confessed to this mammary assault, Ms. Hansen stated "I wanted his death to be as pleasurable as possible." Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor?
__________________________________________________________________________________
Item
Roman Catholics around the world who make it a point never to follow the Pope about anything can now follow him on Twitter... or maybe not follow him on Twitter. Yes folks, the church that is famous for trying to recreate the fourteenth century here in the 21st has gone hi tech. The Papacy, never known for its brevity, will now attempt to reduce Christ's teachings to messages of 140 characters or less. A whole new language of tweet-speak abbreviations will be born:
"YG2H" - you're going to hell;
"missed your . (period)? Don't even think about abortion";
#pedophile;
"ICYMI no bc in cs" - "In Case You Missed It no birth control in catholic schools"
"TL;DR" - "Too Long; Didn't Read" (usually applied to encyclicals)
"BMH" - a variation of SMH-shaking my head. In this case "bowing my head".
Catholics can now follow along with the Pope's daily activities. Tweets like "child abuse in Ireland? maybe, but what about that great music." or "what to get Sandra Fluke for xmas? what about a nice excommunication?" We can find out what the Pope eats for lunch "pasta @ Vatican commissary sucks" We will learn how His Holiness handles the awesome responsibility of infallibility "Newest proclamation...Suspenders can now be worn with a belt" We'll even know what the Pope is reading these days "Started Fifty Shades of Grey. Thought it was a clothing catalog. My bad"
The Pope already has half a million followers and he hasn't even tweeted his first recipe. Thanks to the technology of Twitter, The Holy Father can now be ignored by thousands of Catholics who previously could only disregard his medieval ramblings in newspapers or from the pulpit. Seriously, who wouldn't want to read daily postings from an 85 year old priest who wears a bathrobe and hardly ever leaves the house? Considering that his day consists of three meals and about 400 blessings, Pope Benedict XVI isn't likey to be confused with Russell Brand. Now if someone can hook up Silvio Berlusconi on Twitter, that would be worth reading.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Item
In case you think that Republicans have learned anything from their recent train wreck at the polls, here are a few clues:
The Republicans who run the state of Oklahoma have erected a new monument at the state house...a copy of the Ten Commandments. Haven't we already had this fight?
Marco Rubio was asked in an interview by GQ magazine how old he thinks the earth is. Rather than attempt a scientific answer (4.5 billion years is the current estimate) Rubio stammered out some drivel about not being a scientist and allowing that there are many answers to that question. Presumably one of those "answers" is "considering the Flintstone's celebrate Christmas, I'm thinking 6,000 years".
It would appear that the GOP is not yet ready to step away from the Christian Right. Be prepared to see a continuation of the social issues nonsense that has plagued the Republicans since Reagan. Perhaps their candidate in 2016 will prepare a better concession speech that Romney's. He'll need it.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Item
Cuba has decided to give its citizens a taste of twenth-first century capitalism. Beginning next year Cubans will have the privledge of paying income taxes. One would have thought the Cuban government would wait until its people actually had an income to tax. At this point, taxing the Cubans would be like taxing the homeless. (Taxing the homeless is better known as the Cantor, DeMint Plan)
Item
A German man reported that his girlfriend tried to suffocate him when he explained that he was planning to leave her. The victim, Mr. Tim Schmidt told police that when he advised Ms. Franziska Hansen that their relationship was at an end, her response was to restrict his ability to breathe. Because there was no garrott available and pillows were unreliable (though they were in bed at the time), Ms. Hansen proceeded to do the job with her size 38DD breasts. Whoa! Didn't see that coming. Neither apparently did Mr. Schmidt. "She just grabbed my head and pushed it between her breasts with all her force. I thought I was going to die." It probably took him a full minute to realize that this gesture was not so much amorous as felonious. Having confessed to this mammary assault, Ms. Hansen stated "I wanted his death to be as pleasurable as possible." Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor?
__________________________________________________________________________________
Item
Roman Catholics around the world who make it a point never to follow the Pope about anything can now follow him on Twitter... or maybe not follow him on Twitter. Yes folks, the church that is famous for trying to recreate the fourteenth century here in the 21st has gone hi tech. The Papacy, never known for its brevity, will now attempt to reduce Christ's teachings to messages of 140 characters or less. A whole new language of tweet-speak abbreviations will be born:
"YG2H" - you're going to hell;
"missed your . (period)? Don't even think about abortion";
#pedophile;
"ICYMI no bc in cs" - "In Case You Missed It no birth control in catholic schools"
"TL;DR" - "Too Long; Didn't Read" (usually applied to encyclicals)
"BMH" - a variation of SMH-shaking my head. In this case "bowing my head".
Catholics can now follow along with the Pope's daily activities. Tweets like "child abuse in Ireland? maybe, but what about that great music." or "what to get Sandra Fluke for xmas? what about a nice excommunication?" We can find out what the Pope eats for lunch "pasta @ Vatican commissary sucks" We will learn how His Holiness handles the awesome responsibility of infallibility "Newest proclamation...Suspenders can now be worn with a belt" We'll even know what the Pope is reading these days "Started Fifty Shades of Grey. Thought it was a clothing catalog. My bad"
The Pope already has half a million followers and he hasn't even tweeted his first recipe. Thanks to the technology of Twitter, The Holy Father can now be ignored by thousands of Catholics who previously could only disregard his medieval ramblings in newspapers or from the pulpit. Seriously, who wouldn't want to read daily postings from an 85 year old priest who wears a bathrobe and hardly ever leaves the house? Considering that his day consists of three meals and about 400 blessings, Pope Benedict XVI isn't likey to be confused with Russell Brand. Now if someone can hook up Silvio Berlusconi on Twitter, that would be worth reading.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Item
In case you think that Republicans have learned anything from their recent train wreck at the polls, here are a few clues:
The Republicans who run the state of Oklahoma have erected a new monument at the state house...a copy of the Ten Commandments. Haven't we already had this fight?
Marco Rubio was asked in an interview by GQ magazine how old he thinks the earth is. Rather than attempt a scientific answer (4.5 billion years is the current estimate) Rubio stammered out some drivel about not being a scientist and allowing that there are many answers to that question. Presumably one of those "answers" is "considering the Flintstone's celebrate Christmas, I'm thinking 6,000 years".
It would appear that the GOP is not yet ready to step away from the Christian Right. Be prepared to see a continuation of the social issues nonsense that has plagued the Republicans since Reagan. Perhaps their candidate in 2016 will prepare a better concession speech that Romney's. He'll need it.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Item
Cuba has decided to give its citizens a taste of twenth-first century capitalism. Beginning next year Cubans will have the privledge of paying income taxes. One would have thought the Cuban government would wait until its people actually had an income to tax. At this point, taxing the Cubans would be like taxing the homeless. (Taxing the homeless is better known as the Cantor, DeMint Plan)
Friday, December 07, 2012
...or do some people just get it?
Isitjustme has never reprinted anyone else's work in its entirety before. So why now? Because up until now I never found anything worthy of the honor. Then I saw the Letter of Eric Garland (thank you Mr. Woods).
Eric Garland is an author and, more importantly, a thinker. His "letter" is the single most concise and intelligent explanation as to why the GOP lost and will continue to lose. Enjoy!
Letter to a future Republican strategist regarding white people
To whom it may concern regarding the United States federal elections of 2014, 2016 and beyond:
Allow me to introduce myself to you, the existing (or aspiring!) strategist for the Republican Party. My name is Eric Arnold Garland and I am a White Man. Boy, am I ever – you need sunglasses just to look at my photo!
If I read the news correctly, I fit a profile that is of extreme importance to the GOP, as I embody the archetype that fits your narrative of Real Americans. Just how much should my profile interest you? Are you sitting down?
- My family lineage goes back to the MAYFLOWER, BOAT ONE!!! (Garland family of New England-> John Adams -> John Alden -> Plymouth colony ->KINGS OF MUTHAF***IN’ ENGLAND)
- I am a heterosexual, married to the super Caucasian mother of my two beautiful children who are, inexplicably, EVEN WHITER THAN I AM.
- I am college educated (Master’s degree!) and affluent.
- I am a job creator and small businessman.
- We pay a lot of taxes! Every year!
- I grew up in a rural area and despise laziness!
- Having started my own business, I have complained at length about the insanity of federal, state and local bureaucracy – and its deleterious impact on the innovative small businessman.
- I currently live in the suburbs in a historically Red state.
How can I put this gently? My wife and I are not sensitive to your messaging, nor did we vote for the candidates you proposed for us this past Tuesday.
B-b-but, what? Aren’t we investors, hard-workin’ white folk surrounded by same in a manicured cul-de-sac, scared by a vision of economic collapse amidst the takers in a land of fewer givers? Didn’t Mitt Romney’s strong family, wealth, leadership history and chiseled chin give us the uncontrollable urge to high-five him into the White House?
No.
May I explain why not, purely for your education, such that you might be interested in winning an election on the national level at some point in the future? It bears pointing out that I should be your Low Hanging Fruit, the easy vote to get as opposed to, say, African-Americans, Latinos, or Asians – and you’re not even speaking well to me. The reasons why ought to concern you deeply.
As a Card-Carrying White Male I love expressing my opinion irrespective of whether people care to hear it, so let’s get started.
>>>>>>
Science - One of the reasons my family is affluent is that my wife and I have a collective fifteen years of university education between us. I have a Masters degree in Science and Technology Policy, and my wife is a physician who holds degrees in medicine as well as cell and molecular biology. We are really quite unimpressed with Congressional representatives such as Todd Akin and Paul Broun who actually serve on the House science committee and who believe, respectively, that rape does not cause pregnancy and that evolution and astrophysics are lies straight from Satan’s butt cheeks. These are, sadly, only two of innumerable assaults that the Republican Party has made against hard science – with nothing to say of logic in general. Please understand the unbearable tension this might create between us and your candidates.
Climate - Within just the past 18 months the following events have come to our attention: a record-breaking drought that sent temperatures over 100 degrees for weeks, killing half the corn in the Midwest and half the TREES on our suburban property – AND – a hurricane that drowned not New Orleans or Tampa or North Carolina but my native state of VERMONT. As an encore, a second hurricane drowned lower Manhattan, New Jersey and Long Island. The shouted views of decrepit mental fossil Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma that this is a fraud perpetrated on the American people by evil, conspiring climate scientists is belied by such events and is looking irresponsible to even the most skeptical.
Healthcare - My wife and I are quite familiar with America’s healthcare system due to our professions, and having lived abroad extensively, also very aware of comparable systems. Your party’s insistence on declaring the private U.S. healthcare system “the best in the world” fails nearly every factual measure available to any curious mind. We watch our country piss away 60% more expenditures than the next most expensive system (Switzerland) for health outcomes that rival former Soviet bloc nations. On a personal scale, my wife watches poor WORKING people show up in emergency rooms with fourth-stage cancer because they were unable to afford primary care visits. I have watched countless small businesses unable to attract talented workers because of the outrageous and climbing cost of private insurance. And I watch European and Asian businesses outpace American companies because they can attract that talent without asking people to risk bankruptcy and death. That you think this state of affairs is somehow preferable to “Obamacare,” which you compared ludicrously to Trotskyite Russian communism, is a sign of deficient minds unfit to guide health policy in America.
War - Nations do have to go to war sometimes, but that Iraq thing was pretty bad, to put it mildly. Somebody should have been, I dunno – FIRED for bad performance. Aren’t you the party of good corporate managers or something? This topic could get 10,000 words on its own. Let’s just leave it at: You guys suck at running wars.
Deficits and debt - Whenever the GOP is out of power, it immediately appeals to the imagination of voters who remember the Lyndon Baines Johnson (!) administration and claim that the Republican alternative is the party of “cutting spending” and “reducing the deficit.” The only problem with your claim is that Republican governments throughout my entire 38 year life (Reagan, Bush 41, Bush 43) have failed to cut spending and deficit and debt EVEN ONCE. I hope you understand that your credibility suffers every time you promise one thing for three decades and do the EXACT OPPOSITE. Egads – if you actually were the party of fiscal responsibility – you might win our votes despite your 13th century view of science!
Gay marriage - As the child of Baby Boomers who got divorced (as was the fashion!) in the 80s and 90s, and for whom 50% of my friends had their homes broken by divorce in the critical years before age 18, I sure am unsympathetic to your caterwauling bullshit that “gays will destroy the sanctity of marriage.” Perhaps if everyone in your generation didn’t take the period of 1978 – 1995 to start surreptitiously banging their neighbors and coworkers, only to abandon their kids because “they just weren’t happy,” I would take your defense of marriage more seriously. The institution of Middle Class suburban marriage was broken by the generation of aging white Baby Boomers who populate what is left of the Republican Party, so your defense is wrongheaded and disingenuous. And moreover, as someone who got called “faggot” about 127 times a day from the years 1985 through 1991 – guess what – I grew up to be pretty good friends with actual homosexuals, whose sexual orientation is usually the least significant thing about them. The Republican perseveration on homosexuals as any sort of threat consigns them to history’s trough of intellectual pig dung.
>>>>>>
That’s quite enough for one essay, wouldn’t you say? Now, given my initial description as a wealthy, hard-working, job creating, heterosexual, married suburban White Male – doesn’t your current platform look woefully insufficient to the task of gaining my vote? This doesn’t even get into the demographic tensions that show that people of my exact profile are going away permanently in America. You can’t even win on what you perceive to be “home field advantage.”
Uh oh, wait, I can already hear you through the web browser, dismissing all of my above points because THAT GUY WAS NEVER GONNA BE A REPUBLICAN ANYHOW, CUZ HE’S A LIBRUL WHO HATES AMERICA AND…
All right, let’s do one last point:
Meanness- Your party is really mean, mocking and demonizing everyone who does not follow you into the pits of hell. You constantly imply – as Mitt Romney did in his “47% speech” – that anybody who disagrees with you does so not by logic or moral conviction, but because they are shiftless, lazy parasites who want “free stuff” from “traditional Americans.” Wow, you guys managed to follow up a stunning electoral defeat with insulting the very people you wish to attract for a majority in the political system! Brilliant! You are losing elections because being angry and defensive and just-plain-mean is more important than being smart and winning elections – and thus you deserve everything happening to you.
If you want to know exactly where you failed in 2012, and will continue to fail, here it is. Look you assholes, I’m as traditional an American as it gets, and I do not “want free stuff.” I am a taxpayer, and ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I got my first job – dragging bags of cow manure, horse feed and fertilizer around a farm store – when I was 12. I started my first company when I was 28. I have followed the vast majority of the rules set out for middle class white males (for good and for ill.) And if it weren’t bad enough that your policy positions are a complete clusterfuck for the reasons I lay out in great detail, you manage to follow up the whole exercise with insulting me, my wife, and my friends of every stripe who didn’t vote for your political party – all of whom are hard-working, taxpaying, job creating, law abiding, great AMERICANS of EVERY COLOR AND CREED.
From this white, Mayflower-descended strategic analyst, allow me to offer you the three strategic options you have before you:
1. You drastically moderate your platform to harmonize with the policy positions I present above
2. You disband the party and reorganize it to reflect current realities
3. You kick and scream and stamp your feet and call me and my friends names – and submit to several decades of one party rule
While I do not want a one-party system, I also don’t particularly care which of these options you choose. If you look carefully at the numbers on Tuesday, nobody else cares, either.
Just a word to the wise from one White Man to (presumably) another.
Saturday, December 01, 2012
or is biting the hand that feeds you OK if God told you to?
If you know who Angus T. Jones is you probably watch too much television. I personally have been watching young Mr. Jones in his role as the mentally challenged son of Alan Harper on CBS's Two and a Half Men for about ten years. That roughly coincides with how long the show has been running. During that time Mr. Jones' character Jake has grown from a dim-bulb child of ten-ish into a dim-bulb 19 year old cook in the US Army. Army cooks should call their unoin about defamation. Jake has grown up on the show virtually untouched by education of any kind. Jones is currently an infrequent presence on the show, apparently coinciding with creator Chuck Lorre's feeling that stupid is only funny for so long. Program note: if you feel the need to watch really stupid people saying incredibly stupid things, Fox News has just what you're looking for.
Up until now I was pretty sure that Mr. Jones was merely playing the part of a dolt. That notion evaporated this week when a You Tube video surfaced (don't they always) that has young Angus proclaiming that Two and a Half Men is "filth" and begging his audience not to watch the show. No one should be surprised to learn that this bit of soul searching arose out of an interview with the Forerunner Christian Church, an Alabama sect with presumably fewer adherents than the audience of 2&1/2 Men.
Having just scrubbed off the stink that was Charlie Sheen, the last thing Mr. Lorre and CBS needed was viral abuse from a whelp of an actor who owes his entire professional career (and $350,000 per episode) to them. However, in a flip that would have made Mitt Romney proud, Mr. Jones has recanted. Assured that the Forerunner Church was unwilling and unable to match the $350,000 that CBS provides, Angus released a statement that is sure to make the cover of Ass Kissers of America magazine. " I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference or disrespect and lack of appreciation blah, blah.." He did everything but offer to wash Mr. Lorre's car.
Apparently Mr. Jones isn't as dumb as his character. In spite of the toxic encouragement of the afore-mentioned Charlie Sheen, Angus must have understood that his chances of replicating the Two & 1/2 Men gig was about the same as Mr. Sheen's chances of kicking drugs and booze. (Seriously, when Charlie Sheen tells you to turn left, don't turn right. Exit the vehicle and run away.) Sheen is currently appearing in a Two & 1/2 Men ripoff called Anger Management. His audience approximates the attendance of Sunday services at the Forerunner Christian Church.
So far there has been no comment from CBS or Chuck Lorre Productions. Mr. Lorre also produces "Mike and Molly" and "The Big Bang Theory". At this point he needs Angus T. Jones like Mitt Romney needs an inauguration speech. Lorrie is famous (among those of us with too much time on our hands and a DVR) for publishing small-type screeds at the end of his shows. Whether his next effort will include anything about one-trick actors who forget how quickly Mel Gibson went from leading the Scots in rebellion to talking to a stuffed beaver, is any one's guess. If Angus Jones finds that he is no longer welcome on the set of Two & Half Men he can always find a place on the altar at the Forerunner Christian Church. The pastor can point to him as as example of "pride goeth before the fall".
Up until now I was pretty sure that Mr. Jones was merely playing the part of a dolt. That notion evaporated this week when a You Tube video surfaced (don't they always) that has young Angus proclaiming that Two and a Half Men is "filth" and begging his audience not to watch the show. No one should be surprised to learn that this bit of soul searching arose out of an interview with the Forerunner Christian Church, an Alabama sect with presumably fewer adherents than the audience of 2&1/2 Men.
Having just scrubbed off the stink that was Charlie Sheen, the last thing Mr. Lorre and CBS needed was viral abuse from a whelp of an actor who owes his entire professional career (and $350,000 per episode) to them. However, in a flip that would have made Mitt Romney proud, Mr. Jones has recanted. Assured that the Forerunner Church was unwilling and unable to match the $350,000 that CBS provides, Angus released a statement that is sure to make the cover of Ass Kissers of America magazine. " I apologize if my remarks reflect me showing indifference or disrespect and lack of appreciation blah, blah.." He did everything but offer to wash Mr. Lorre's car.
Apparently Mr. Jones isn't as dumb as his character. In spite of the toxic encouragement of the afore-mentioned Charlie Sheen, Angus must have understood that his chances of replicating the Two & 1/2 Men gig was about the same as Mr. Sheen's chances of kicking drugs and booze. (Seriously, when Charlie Sheen tells you to turn left, don't turn right. Exit the vehicle and run away.) Sheen is currently appearing in a Two & 1/2 Men ripoff called Anger Management. His audience approximates the attendance of Sunday services at the Forerunner Christian Church.
So far there has been no comment from CBS or Chuck Lorre Productions. Mr. Lorre also produces "Mike and Molly" and "The Big Bang Theory". At this point he needs Angus T. Jones like Mitt Romney needs an inauguration speech. Lorrie is famous (among those of us with too much time on our hands and a DVR) for publishing small-type screeds at the end of his shows. Whether his next effort will include anything about one-trick actors who forget how quickly Mel Gibson went from leading the Scots in rebellion to talking to a stuffed beaver, is any one's guess. If Angus Jones finds that he is no longer welcome on the set of Two & Half Men he can always find a place on the altar at the Forerunner Christian Church. The pastor can point to him as as example of "pride goeth before the fall".
or is revisionist history fun to write because all those pesky facts don't get in the way?
Detritus 11/30/12
There's an old joke about a salesman who trudged up four flights of stairs every week to reach the offices of his most obnoxious client. During one trip he was told that the client had died. Nevertheless he continued to march up those stairs every week. Finally the receptionist ask him why he kept coming back. "I told you, he's dead" "I know", said the salesman, "I just like hearing it".
That may explain the fascination that Democrats have with reading and listening to Republican writer and talkers as they attempt to explain away the pounding that Mitt Romney received on Nov 6, 2012. "Well yeah, but..." has been the most oft spoken intro since the Pirates beat the Yankees in 1960. (Just Google it.)
Example: "Well yeah, but the vote was really close." This lament is most often proffered by people who were so concerned about the Constitutional right to keep and bear arms, they missed the part about the electoral college. Popular votes don't mean squat. If they did, former President Gore would be presiding over the inauguration of his new library in Tennessee. Barack Obama won 332 electoral votes out of 538. That's not close. That's not even Secretariat/Belmont Stakes close (more Googling).
Well yeah, but Obama only won because he "gave stuff" to blacks and Latins and poor, lazy people. The take-away here is that apparently black and Latinos and poor, lazy people weren't too lazy to vote. Actually, what President Obama gave to minorities was R-E-S-P-E-C- T. Find out what it means to me. It's not about social programs it's about a social conscience. If we can afford to rebuild Iraq and build Afghanistan we can afford to provide food stamps and a little healthcare to our own people. If the helium-heads on Fox and Friends think that unemployed textile workers and laid-off carpenters are fat and happy on welfare, they should talk to one. Americans want jobs but they need help. If compassion is pandering than indifference to suffering must be tough love. Good luck selling that to anyone but the Koch Bros.
Well yeah but Obama sat on the Patraeus story and lied about the killings in Benghazi. Well, somebody smarter than me wrote that Benghazi is a tragedy looking for a scandal and Patraeus is a scandal looking for a tragedy. Seriously, No one but Fox and John McCain thinks that the administration should share every bit of intel as soon as they learn it. Ask yourself what Don Rumsfeld or Dick Cheney would have told you. "Either way I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to" God bless Col. Nathen Jessup. Benghazi was CIA start to finish and when things went south truth was probably the first casualty. Blaming Susan Rice for the early "explanation" as to what happened is like blaming the weatherman when it rains.
Petraeus is just a late night punchline. Nothing to see here.
So, my friends, as we revel in op-ed pieces like Stuart Stevens in today's Washington Post http://tinyurl.com/bqv7pxp or Dan Henninger in the Wall Street Journal http://tinyurl.com/bp8e67m let us stop and give thanks that the GOP has apparently learned exactly nothing from "Decision 2012". Like Karl Rove they are are still disputing the call in Ohio.
There's an old joke about a salesman who trudged up four flights of stairs every week to reach the offices of his most obnoxious client. During one trip he was told that the client had died. Nevertheless he continued to march up those stairs every week. Finally the receptionist ask him why he kept coming back. "I told you, he's dead" "I know", said the salesman, "I just like hearing it".
That may explain the fascination that Democrats have with reading and listening to Republican writer and talkers as they attempt to explain away the pounding that Mitt Romney received on Nov 6, 2012. "Well yeah, but..." has been the most oft spoken intro since the Pirates beat the Yankees in 1960. (Just Google it.)
Example: "Well yeah, but the vote was really close." This lament is most often proffered by people who were so concerned about the Constitutional right to keep and bear arms, they missed the part about the electoral college. Popular votes don't mean squat. If they did, former President Gore would be presiding over the inauguration of his new library in Tennessee. Barack Obama won 332 electoral votes out of 538. That's not close. That's not even Secretariat/Belmont Stakes close (more Googling).
Well yeah, but Obama only won because he "gave stuff" to blacks and Latins and poor, lazy people. The take-away here is that apparently black and Latinos and poor, lazy people weren't too lazy to vote. Actually, what President Obama gave to minorities was R-E-S-P-E-C- T. Find out what it means to me. It's not about social programs it's about a social conscience. If we can afford to rebuild Iraq and build Afghanistan we can afford to provide food stamps and a little healthcare to our own people. If the helium-heads on Fox and Friends think that unemployed textile workers and laid-off carpenters are fat and happy on welfare, they should talk to one. Americans want jobs but they need help. If compassion is pandering than indifference to suffering must be tough love. Good luck selling that to anyone but the Koch Bros.
Well yeah but Obama sat on the Patraeus story and lied about the killings in Benghazi. Well, somebody smarter than me wrote that Benghazi is a tragedy looking for a scandal and Patraeus is a scandal looking for a tragedy. Seriously, No one but Fox and John McCain thinks that the administration should share every bit of intel as soon as they learn it. Ask yourself what Don Rumsfeld or Dick Cheney would have told you. "Either way I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to" God bless Col. Nathen Jessup. Benghazi was CIA start to finish and when things went south truth was probably the first casualty. Blaming Susan Rice for the early "explanation" as to what happened is like blaming the weatherman when it rains.
Petraeus is just a late night punchline. Nothing to see here.
So, my friends, as we revel in op-ed pieces like Stuart Stevens in today's Washington Post http://tinyurl.com/bqv7pxp or Dan Henninger in the Wall Street Journal http://tinyurl.com/bp8e67m let us stop and give thanks that the GOP has apparently learned exactly nothing from "Decision 2012". Like Karl Rove they are are still disputing the call in Ohio.
...or is the need for exorcisms increasing with the expansion of Fox News?
OK, I always thought Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends was possessed. Really, only someone controlled by the devil (or maybe Roger Ailes) could sit there day after day with that pedophile smile and spew one blatantly untrue story after another. I mean there just isn't any other explanation, right?
The reason for addressing the subject of exorcism is a story out of the BBC that the archdiocese of Milan is seeing a marked increase in requests for the devil extermination service among its flock. Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, the chief exorcist for the diocese, says he is getting as many as four or five calls a day regarding possession. The Monsignor says that he knows of a priest who was seeing as many as 150 people a day. He must have a booth at the mall. The only places that there are that many possessions is at the talent call-up for American Idol and the US Congress. If you consider that there are about 5 million souls in the archdiocese of Milan and there are about 1.2 billion Catholics worldwide that's, well a lot of people sharing their bodies with the dark one. (No, not Dick Cheney. The other dark one.) Note: Whether Muslims, Hindus, Presbyterians, and Atheists suffer from possession is unknown in that the reporting structure among these groups is not as organized as the RCC. It is, however safe to assume that all Scientologists are possessed.
Anyway, the Monsignor has instituted a hotline that Catholics in Milan can call if and when they feel that old black magic has them in a spell or if their neighbor begins to exhibit odd signs like being able to show off their new haircut without turning their body. The Church in Rome has admitted to training many more priests in the exorcism ritual while continuing to assert that actual possessions are extremely rare. So if possession is rare why not train doctors and shrinks? I profess no specific knowledge in this area but if you think you're possessed and it's only gas, shouldn't the Church recommend Alka-Seltzer rather than a visit from Max VonSydow? There is no epidemic of possessions, just an increase in Catholics spending too much time watching Linda Blair levitate.
The hotline only operates from 2:30 PM to 5:00 PM on weekdays. So if the devil decides your body would be a lovely place to spend the weekend, you're out of luck 'til Monday aft. It was not made clear if possessions are most common on weekday afternoons or if that's just the best time to purge evil spirits. I would have thought first thing in the morning was best, while they're still groggy.
Whether or not possession is on the rise, I find it troubling that the Church isn't taking a more active role in extermination. After all, if they wait to be called all the sneaky devils will go undetected. Take for instance the evil spirit that inhabits Donald Trump's hair. That's just vile. Or the unclean spectre that has made a home in Herman Cain's head. (Hello! 999 -666?) It might not hurt to take a look at Nancy Pelosi and Dennis Kucinich either. And how about Ted Nugent? If he were to undergo an exorcism, all that would remain would be a massively overrated musician.
Sadly I was not able to discover the actual phone number for the hotline. I tried 1-800- POSSESSED, 1-800-LUCIFER and 1-866-HEADSPIN but nothing so far. It's possible that the Church knows that, with truly possessed people, the devil will know the number. Very crafty. Still wouldn't the unclean spirit try to prevent you from calling the holywater hotline? Well, whatever the reason for the increase in possessions we know that the RCC is on the job. Still, if you need them to come to your house make sure you don't live next to any long stairways.
The reason for addressing the subject of exorcism is a story out of the BBC that the archdiocese of Milan is seeing a marked increase in requests for the devil extermination service among its flock. Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, the chief exorcist for the diocese, says he is getting as many as four or five calls a day regarding possession. The Monsignor says that he knows of a priest who was seeing as many as 150 people a day. He must have a booth at the mall. The only places that there are that many possessions is at the talent call-up for American Idol and the US Congress. If you consider that there are about 5 million souls in the archdiocese of Milan and there are about 1.2 billion Catholics worldwide that's, well a lot of people sharing their bodies with the dark one. (No, not Dick Cheney. The other dark one.) Note: Whether Muslims, Hindus, Presbyterians, and Atheists suffer from possession is unknown in that the reporting structure among these groups is not as organized as the RCC. It is, however safe to assume that all Scientologists are possessed.
Anyway, the Monsignor has instituted a hotline that Catholics in Milan can call if and when they feel that old black magic has them in a spell or if their neighbor begins to exhibit odd signs like being able to show off their new haircut without turning their body. The Church in Rome has admitted to training many more priests in the exorcism ritual while continuing to assert that actual possessions are extremely rare. So if possession is rare why not train doctors and shrinks? I profess no specific knowledge in this area but if you think you're possessed and it's only gas, shouldn't the Church recommend Alka-Seltzer rather than a visit from Max VonSydow? There is no epidemic of possessions, just an increase in Catholics spending too much time watching Linda Blair levitate.
The hotline only operates from 2:30 PM to 5:00 PM on weekdays. So if the devil decides your body would be a lovely place to spend the weekend, you're out of luck 'til Monday aft. It was not made clear if possessions are most common on weekday afternoons or if that's just the best time to purge evil spirits. I would have thought first thing in the morning was best, while they're still groggy.
Whether or not possession is on the rise, I find it troubling that the Church isn't taking a more active role in extermination. After all, if they wait to be called all the sneaky devils will go undetected. Take for instance the evil spirit that inhabits Donald Trump's hair. That's just vile. Or the unclean spectre that has made a home in Herman Cain's head. (Hello! 999 -666?) It might not hurt to take a look at Nancy Pelosi and Dennis Kucinich either. And how about Ted Nugent? If he were to undergo an exorcism, all that would remain would be a massively overrated musician.
Sadly I was not able to discover the actual phone number for the hotline. I tried 1-800- POSSESSED, 1-800-LUCIFER and 1-866-HEADSPIN but nothing so far. It's possible that the Church knows that, with truly possessed people, the devil will know the number. Very crafty. Still wouldn't the unclean spirit try to prevent you from calling the holywater hotline? Well, whatever the reason for the increase in possessions we know that the RCC is on the job. Still, if you need them to come to your house make sure you don't live next to any long stairways.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)