OK, I always thought Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends was possessed. Really, only someone controlled by the devil (or maybe Roger Ailes) could sit there day after day with that pedophile smile and spew one blatantly untrue story after another. I mean there just isn't any other explanation, right?
The reason for addressing the subject of exorcism is a story out of the BBC that the archdiocese of Milan is seeing a marked increase in requests for the devil extermination service among its flock. Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, the chief exorcist for the diocese, says he is getting as many as four or five calls a day regarding possession. The Monsignor says that he knows of a priest who was seeing as many as 150 people a day. He must have a booth at the mall. The only places that there are that many possessions is at the talent call-up for American Idol and the US Congress. If you consider that there are about 5 million souls in the archdiocese of Milan and there are about 1.2 billion Catholics worldwide that's, well a lot of people sharing their bodies with the dark one. (No, not Dick Cheney. The other dark one.) Note: Whether Muslims, Hindus, Presbyterians, and Atheists suffer from possession is unknown in that the reporting structure among these groups is not as organized as the RCC. It is, however safe to assume that all Scientologists are possessed.
Anyway, the Monsignor has instituted a hotline that Catholics in Milan can call if and when they feel that old black magic has them in a spell or if their neighbor begins to exhibit odd signs like being able to show off their new haircut without turning their body. The Church in Rome has admitted to training many more priests in the exorcism ritual while continuing to assert that actual possessions are extremely rare. So if possession is rare why not train doctors and shrinks? I profess no specific knowledge in this area but if you think you're possessed and it's only gas, shouldn't the Church recommend Alka-Seltzer rather than a visit from Max VonSydow? There is no epidemic of possessions, just an increase in Catholics spending too much time watching Linda Blair levitate.
The hotline only operates from 2:30 PM to 5:00 PM on weekdays. So if the devil decides your body would be a lovely place to spend the weekend, you're out of luck 'til Monday aft. It was not made clear if possessions are most common on weekday afternoons or if that's just the best time to purge evil spirits. I would have thought first thing in the morning was best, while they're still groggy.
Whether or not possession is on the rise, I find it troubling that the Church isn't taking a more active role in extermination. After all, if they wait to be called all the sneaky devils will go undetected. Take for instance the evil spirit that inhabits Donald Trump's hair. That's just vile. Or the unclean spectre that has made a home in Herman Cain's head. (Hello! 999 -666?) It might not hurt to take a look at Nancy Pelosi and Dennis Kucinich either. And how about Ted Nugent? If he were to undergo an exorcism, all that would remain would be a massively overrated musician.
Sadly I was not able to discover the actual phone number for the hotline. I tried 1-800- POSSESSED, 1-800-LUCIFER and 1-866-HEADSPIN but nothing so far. It's possible that the Church knows that, with truly possessed people, the devil will know the number. Very crafty. Still wouldn't the unclean spirit try to prevent you from calling the holywater hotline? Well, whatever the reason for the increase in possessions we know that the RCC is on the job. Still, if you need them to come to your house make sure you don't live next to any long stairways.
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