Drum roll please!
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. It is with great shame and regret that I present to you the winner (if winner is the word) of The Isitjustme First Annual Asshat of the Year award. I give you Louie Gohmert, Congressman from the First District of Texas. In a year filled with bad actors: Charlie Sheen, the entire Republican presidential candidate field, the captain of the Costa Concordia, Lindsay Lohan, etc., Louie was an easy choice. A man who has pathologically come down on the wrong side of every issue, cannot go unrecognized.
Let's begin with a brief look at the Texas First District. Wedged up against Louisiana in the extreme Eastern part of the state, Texas First District is distinguished primarily for its lack of distinction. It contains no major population centers and, in all, comprises about 651,000 souls none of whom are quite clever enough to get out of East Texas. Once part of Texarkana (wherever that is) the district was gerrymandered into existence in the Great Tom DeLay Debacle of 1983. Our boy Louie came on the scene in 2005 as the first Republican Congressman from that district since Reconstruction. Who says Texans are slow to adapt?
Up until his rise to the national stage, Mr. Gohmert was a promising if unremarkable star in the GOP firmament. Educated at Texas A and M; and Baylor Law, Louie did four years in the JAG Corp. at Fort Benning, GA. Though the legal branch of the Army affords little opportunity for armed combat, Louie nevertheless developed a strange love of firearms. Being from Texas it's easy to write this off to inbreeding but Gohmert has raised a simple firearms fetish to an unholy lust for the smell of gunpowder, presumably, as long as he wasn't the target
Totally unafraid of being labeled a kook or a gun nut, Louie Gohmert has waged a constant campaign for the irrational, incomprehensible and ludicrous idea that there is no problem in America that can't be solved with the use of automatic weapons. That sort of single-mindedness is rare in our society today (Thank God!) Gohmert suggested if the patrons of that movie theater in Aurora, Colorado (where 12 died in a hail of gunfire from James Earl Holmes) had been armed, fewer folks would have died. (I'm assuming Louie has petitioned the State of Texas to arm ticket-takers and candy counter personnel.) Immediately following the horrific shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, only Louie Gohmert stood up and declared that an armed school principal, locked and loaded, would have saved those kids. Can you think of a candidate more deserving of distinction as America's most prominent Asshat?
Actually, Congressman Gohmert's achievements aren't limited to his unconventional views on firearms. Louie was a strong supporter of the Trans-Alaska pipeline as a means to encourage caribou to have more sex. He suggested (with a straight face) that the warm oil flowing through the pipe would invite caribou to "date". This marked the first time in the history of its publishing that The Onion could not think of a single way to create a parody from a story. Naturally Gohmert believes that man-made climate change is a hoax. He supports strong anti-immigration laws and has even uncovered a sinister plot whereby sneaky terrorists are coming to the U.S. to have babies who will be trained to attack America. In his campaign on "terror babies" Louie has been undeterred by the total lack of evidence of such a plot or any explanation as to why terrorists would need to be born here in order to attack us.
Ever vigilant to the ways of evil-doers and bad actors, it was Congressman Gohmert, along with such bright lights as Michele Bachmann, who questioned the patriotism of Huma Abedin, Deputy Chief of Staff at the State Dept. It seems that Ms. Abedin had a brother whose next-door neighbor's barber roomed with the grandson of a member of the Muslim Brotherhood at summer camp. Thank God for the tireless work of witch-hunters like Bachmann and Gohmert who, in their single-minded pursuit of phantoms and red herrings, are never bothered by how foolish they look or how much damage they do.
So bravo to Congressman Louie Gohmert, a man whose devotion to wrong-headedness and gun lunacy is exceeded only by the apathy of the appleheads from East Texas who have returned him to Congress five times. We can only hope that, in the near future, we will open our email and discover that Congressman Gohmert has risen to the pinnacle of gun prominence; namely as a recipient of the Darwin Award for having accidentally shot himself in the nuts.
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